Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Point Six

That's how much I'm down FINALLY, again. which makes it 5.6lbs lost to date, which isn't too bad I guess.

I'm absolutely fucking freezing. The air conditioning in this place is turned up high. And someone in the team across from me has decided to turn on the fluorescents over our banks of desks. So now, I also have a motherfucking headache.

My grandparents are coming over tonight to see me before I go away, and to give me some clothes to take over for my nephew. I’m tired, I can’t be bothered, and I *really* need to pack tonight.

Busy times.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009


So. I’m not thinking that I’m going to reach the goal by Friday. After the weekend I’ve lost a total of 5lbs, and have managed to lose exactly nothing since yesterday. Even if I could miraculously lose a pound today and tomorrow, it still only brings my total loss to 7lbs, which is only 2/3 of the way there.

On the one hand, I’m pissed off with myself. I should have done what it took instead of giving in and going out with friends and family to eat, to places where there was basically nothing “safe” on the menu. That I should have done more exercise in spite of the fact that I am exhausted all the time already. That this? This is not good enough.

But on the other hand, at least I’ve made progress. 5lbs in two weeks is still more than is considered “normal” and at least it’s five whole pounds that were there two weeks ago that now are not.

Going to Canada is going to be hard. It’s going to be hard to restrict, or indeed just to keep myself from bingeing the entire time I’m there. But the way I’m trying to look at it is that those two weeks are a grace period. I’m not allowed to be a bingey monster, but I can’t expect myself to stick to a 300-calorie a day “diet” while I’m there either. But when I get back, this shit is getting kicked up into high gear, and I will do what it takes to achieve an acceptable level of weight loss before I’m bathing-suit-bound in December.

So, unrelated to that (or maybe related, in a roundabout way), I’ve been feeling horrible lately. Not really sick per se. I think I’m in the process of entering a depressed period right now, and if what I’m suspecting is true, then it could be either good or bad that I’m going away for a couple of weeks now.

I’ve been feeling really antisocial lately. I want to cancel all of my plans because I can’t be bothered, even though I DO want to see S and L every weekend. I go to work all day and when I get home I usually make something to eat while talking to my aunt and/or her partner, go up to my bedroom to eat, watch tv or blog for a while, then sometimes have a nap. Then I shower and go to bed. So exciting.

I feel guilty for being antisocial, for holing myself up in my room and having to force myself to make a conscious effort to hang out with my aunts. But then when I do, I don’t see the point either. I’ll go downstairs to talk to them and get shushed by my aunt because she’s trying to watch tv. Or she’ll be on her own computer or my granny’s borrowed laptop playing farming games on Facebook all night. Very little actual conversation happens anyway. So I retreat back to my room for some quiet solitude.

I’m tired ALL the time. Which I know you already know, but for the amount of time I spend in bed when I can, I should not be this tired. Right now I’m physically exhausted and am having a hard time not passing out at my desk. And when I get on my bus home, I always have to fight not to fall asleep. In spite of my insomnia waking me up a thousand times in the night, I still try to go to bed in time to have eight solid hours in bed (though not necessarily asleep), and yet I often find it necessary to nap for up to three hours after work, and even then I usually don’t want to get up.

The smallest things are irritating me and last night when my aunt was joking with me, it was just pissing me off instead.

I know everyone irritates everyone sometimes, that although my aunt is my best friend and I love her more than maybe anyone else in this world, she sometimes winds me up. But last night she cracked a joke and I just wanted to tell her to get out of my room, which isn’t like me.

So maybe I do need some time away, to regroup and just not be around her all the time I guess. To be in a different place around different people for a while maybe.

On the other hand, it could wind up being the worst thing I’ve ever done. Last time I went to Canada, I couldn’t wait to come home. I cried every night the first week I was there and just wanted to leave. And then even when my ex had come to join me and meet my family and see my hometown, my stepdad was still kicking off about every little fucking thing.

So yeah, I have mixed feelings. I just don’t want to feel like this. Like I’m withdrawing into myself, which is NOT what I want to be doing. I want to be me, not the antisocial zombie asleep upstairs at 4 in the afternoon. I need a good kick in head and to stop being such a whiney little douchebag.

Monday, 24 August 2009

I'd say good morning, but it's not

Shit things are shit.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad, except that I had to go out for dinner with my aunts. I had planned on going for some fish or something but all they had in fish was some gross sounding fishcake or battered, deep-fried fish. Un-awesome. So I went for ravioli instead, didn’t eat the bread that came with it, and skipped the amazing looking desserts.

Unfortunately, my scale registered another half pound gain this morning, which means I’m only down 5lbs and I’ve only got 4 days left to lose. So, for the rest of the week I’m staying under 300 calories a day. Today will be a 220 calorie frozen meal, as will tomorrow. Wednesday will be 250, and I’m going to try to get away with fasting on Thursday but knowing my luck my aunts will make a “family meal” because I’m going away the next day. We shall see!

Wish me luck, I’ll need it.

Sunday, 23 August 2009

The Fat Song

I love and the Foamy The Squirrel videos <3 I've spent the past couple of days going back and watching all of them, and some of the lyrics to this song are actually kind of great, and it's also funny so I wanted to share.

"So it's time to take the twinkie out of your lips
It's gone to your thighs and straight to your hips
Stop eating now, before it's too late
Just have a salad and a couple of grapes."

Not too bad!

This morning: 204.4 (should probably note that my scale seems only to deal in even tenths and not odd, so technically it COULD be 204.3 or 204.5 but whatever). So I've only gained half a pound since yesterday, which is EASILY lost again =] so I'm not concerned.

Thanks to those of you that commented yesterday, I appreciate it. And I'm feeling much better and more positive than I was when I wrote my last entry.

I'll write more later, I've got to head out to the shop. Have a good one! =]

A Little Bit Basket-Case

I tend to get myself upset and/or worked up over absolutely nothing. That happened tonight.

I went onto facebook, and saw that my sister had tagged me in some new photos of my nephew. Whenever she or my brother upload photos of him, they tag me in them to make sure I see them. So I was going through the pictures and thinking, wow, I'm finally going to be able to see him in less than a week!

And then it kind of hit me that... he'll be 2 years old in November and I've never seen or spoken to him, I've never been able to play with him or hug him or kiss him and tell him that I love him.

And BOY OH BOY did the waterworks turn themselves on. I'm still a little teary now, but not as bad.

I just felt so shitty that, this kid is nearly two and I missed all of the baby and early-toddler stages. I missed the teething and the first smiles and the learning to walk and the first words. I missed so much, and it's really upset me. I feel like I should have made more of an effort and gone to see him sooner. I feel guilty for not being there. For being the absentee auntie.

The thing is, he was born about a month after The Big Breakup and I was a complete trainwreck of a mess for months afterward, so I couldn't really have gone if I'd wanted to. And I couldn't afford it or get time off work until now. But the guilt is still there, in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my throat like acid.

My aunt is probably the best friend I have ever had and ever will have. Our bond is stronger than most people are with their parents. But, I grew up sharing a house with her for several years and saw her pretty frequently growing up until I was about 12, when she moved back to England. I always wanted to be THAT aunt. To be the fun, cool aunt that my neices or nephews could have fun with and joke around with, who would take care of them and be there for them and listen if they wanted to talk, to be the person they felt they *could* talk to. Like my aunt is to me.

But I'm not there. I'll get to see him a handfull of times in the next few weeks, but then I come back to England and it'll be a full year before I can see him again. And I'll just have missed MORE.

So yeah, tonight has randomly been hard. But I want to thank pokerface for being there and listening as I stressed out and for being the voice of reason that helped to calm me down somewhat and see a little more clearly, to realize that the chance to be that person has not passed. I've said it before, but this guy is great and you should all go read his blog.

Hopefully we'll be back to your completely random, rambley, nonsensical, un-seriousness tomorrow. Until then, have a nice night. And give a hug to the people you love because, even though they drive you crazy, they love you, and you shouldn't take that for granted.

Saturday, 22 August 2009

6 down, 3 to go

I Started writing this post this morning as I was getting ready to go out, but of course my laptop decided to restart about half a sentence in, to install updates. Fuck you, Vista. Fuck. YOU.

So yesterday's random huge post-fast gain was indeed a fluke, as when I weighed myself this morning the scales showed 203.8, which means as of this morning I've managed to lose exactly 6lbs since last Friday, in six days. I've got until this coming Friday (August 28th) to lose another 4, which I think is achievable if I keep it up.

In the end the two small "treats" at work was all I ate yesterday so that probably helped a little bit.

Today, after getting my hair done (I love it, it's not super different but she cut off like 4 inches and really shortened my layers and chopped it much shorter and layered around the front, and blonderized me again), I met up with S and L and we went for lunch, as planned. Instead of sushi, though, we went to a Japanese noodle bar restaurant (that S and I have gone to before), since L can't stand sushi. He's a plain-fried-rice-with-chicken kind of guy and refuses to touch sushi at all.

Food consisted of a shared order of duck gyoza (dumplings), rice with breaded chicken and some manner of Oriental curry Sauce, and a couple scoops of coconut ice cream. All in all, I don't think it was *too* bad, and it probably helps that it's all I'm having to eat today. Still, I'll probably back up a little bit tomorrow. But, anything quickly gained can be lost quickly, too. That's how I try to think of it anyway.

Anyway, how is your weekend going? Drop me a comment and let me know what you've been up to if you want =] I'll probably post a photo of The New Hair when I get a chance, I really love it, even though I've been trying to grow it and now BOOM half my hair on the shop foor. Oh well. <3

It's just after 9:30 at night here and I'm totally restless. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm craving ice cream or something sweet but luckily we don't have anything sweet in the house. And the truth is, although I'm craving it I'm not actually in the mood to eat it, even though I realize that's a total contradiction.

Haha random interruption. My cat just walked into my bedroom, looked at me and went "Meow-ow-ow." So cute. She's so vocal and random and always talks to me. In this case, she was announcing her presence and demanding that I Scratch her neck, haha.

Anyway. I just really don't think I could even be bothered by the preparation of food at this point, even if I hadn't had the big lunch today.

I'm going to go try to find something to do, which is probably nothing aside from read and channel surf. Fun!

Oh yeah I just remembered, I got a book to read on the plane: Battle Royale (yep, the book the movie was based on! If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it, it's awesome and violent and was apparently banned in Japan for being so controversial and political when it first came out) So I can't wait to start reading it!

Friday, 21 August 2009

That's more like it!

I've been super good tonight. I was tempted at one point but I trudged ahead and had nothing, so the two nibbles at work is all I ate today at all!

And my aunt wasn't on food nazi mode tonight. Instead they were on "bitch about me behind my back when they think I can't hear them" mode. Yeah. It pisses me off because the shit they were bitching about was wrong too.

I heard my aunt downstairs say "whose dishes are those?" and I remembered that my two plates from last night I put in the sink in the water with some of their dishes, went upstairs to do something, and forgot to go back downstairs to wash them. So yeah, that was my bad. Excepy, J turns about and says "They're ALL Vee's from last night." which is bullshit. Bull. Shit. Then I hear my aunt claim that she did dishes already last night and today and why is there my stuff just sitting in the sink. Then I hear them bitching that if "people" are going to eat upstairs the dishes must come down right after, and not be left in there.

Fine. BUT I DID NOT LEAVE MY SHIT UPSTAIRS and it's completely bullshit that my aunt claims to have done dishes today when the large plate and small plate I put in the sink LAST NIGHT are there now?

Then she started bitching because she "wouldn't mind if there was something of HERS there but why should she do it when it's not hers?" and I was thinking dude, what the fuck. I do her dishes all the fucking time. The other night when I decided to have pasta for dinner and The Migraine started, I had to come in, wash dishes and put them away, and even throw out rotting banana skins on the counter next to the stove. So why the fuck is it okay one way but not another?

I'm getting so sick of the god damn double standards here. When I get back from my holidays and pay them off I need to start saving to get the fuck out.

So that all left me feeling pissed off. I was up in my room laying down because I was still in agony and felt sick, and I didn't want to go downstairs to call them on their BS because I don't like confrontation. But I wanted to cry. And it's not the first time (I've mentioned in here before how they both were talking about having to cook group meals, and at the time they were bitching about other stuff, and how they were allocating me certain days in which I can do my laundry instead of hey, I can do it when I need to et al.)

But I'm trying to be positive. I just went for a shower and before I got in I weighed myself, and it read an even 204lbs. Which is MUCH more like the 206 that was on there this morning what the hell.

Of course it probably helps that I've had maybe 200 calories today. But, that's good becase hopefully I'll be down at least a little bit more before I have to go for sushi tomorrow. =]

Oh GOD Make it stop

Seriously, my abdomen/general stomach area hurts so much right now. What is going on? I feel like my insides are trying to explode out.

Also, to address a comment from Pi (HI by the way =]), I don't *think* it's PMS related. Although I never know anymore.

Too much info warning =]

See, I don't get periods. It's not ED-related or anything, it's just because of the birth control pill I'm on (I mean, as of today I haven't had sex in NINETEEN MONTHS, I shit you not, but I still take the pill a: just in case and b: no periods!). But, I think I still get the bloating and the random water weight gain and the hormonal emotional basketcaseism.

The thing is, because I haven't had a period since October 2006 (and I use the term period in that instance VERY loosely), I have no idea when my usual cycle would be. Over the past three years I've completely lost track, even though my cycle used to be exactly 4 weeks, like clockwork. So, emotional craziness and bloating and weight gain is entirely random, and I never quite know if it's due to my cycle or just because I'm a psycho.

This pain isn't cramps though. Honestly, and this is gross, but I think it's mostly down to constipation and severe wind all up in there and grumbling around. I wish I could just poke myself with a pin and deflate (and then be skinny and gorgeous forever, Amen).

I'm rambling as usual =]

Bleh, I feel like shit. It's abating VERY slightly right now but about an hour or so ago it felt like I was dying. Like that scene from Alien when the thing RIPS out of the dude's stomach. That's me, only about ten minutes earlier.

Food wise it's gone okay. I'm being strong strong strong! One of the temps in my team is leaving on Monday to go work in our call centre in a permanent position, and since it's her last day she brought in some nibbles (read: sweet things) and all I had was a mini-muffin and some manner of tiny cake thing. Total couldn't be more than 200 calories, if that. Yay!

It helps that my bloatey horribleness is making me wary of consuming anything at all for fear of making it worse. AND, if it keeps up (or, to be fair, even if it doesn't) I have an excuse to shower, straighten my hair, and go to bed without having to eat anything when I get home, even if my aunt is in foodnazi mode =]

Seven days til I go to Canada too, I'm starting to get excited now ^-^

That Bloated Feeling

Bleh. Today, I'm in a pretty good mood, but unfortunately I feel physically shit.

Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).

But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!

But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.

Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.

Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]

Hope you're all having a good day!

Stay strong,
Vee xox

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Sidebar Update

I've added a nifty Cast of Characters, to keep everyone straight. Probably more helpful to new followers of my blog, since I explained in older posts who everyone is when I mentioned them already. Also, because there are a couple people with the same letter pseudonym (three M's!) I might have gotten a couple backwards before, but this is the order they will all be in from now on. I think S2 used to just be S but since the "new" S is one of my BFFs and I talk about her more, she got to take it over. ^.^

42 Hours

That's how long my fast lasted in total. I had to break at lunch because I was feeling really horrible and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing at all. I got the lasagne from the canteen, but there was barely any cheese so it was mostly just some overcooked pasta with meat and some tomato sauce, so I don't think it was near as bad as it could have been, and the portion wasn't big either. Still, I'm going to err on the side of overestimation so I'm going to say maybe it was 400 cals.

Hopefully I'll be able to get away with just having that today, but my aunts are unpredictable. Sometimes they don't notice or say a thing about how I'm eating, other times my aunt practically interrogates me and demands to know EXACTLY what I'd eaten. So, if she does, to get her off my back I might make some rice, have a couple bites for show, and throw the rest away or something. I'm racking my brain trying to think of what I have at home that's low cal enough to keep me under 500 for the day, but I'm struggling.

I have some cans of tuna (no idea), some ramen noodles (400cals per pack), some Weight Watcher's brand frozen meals (ranging in calories from 250 to about 400, not good enough).. Oh! I have some low-calorie cans of soup I think, so I COULD have half a can of soup, and it should be between 100 and 150 cals? Ideally I'll be able to get away with a 10-calorie soup and nothing else, but my aunt's wise to the fact that they're super low-cal and will likely hassle me to have something else with it. Unless I go upstairs with a box of ritz crackers and tell her I'm having them with it. Or take the crackers upstairs with a jar of peanut butter and throw them both out after claiming they're empty?

Hmm. I dunno, I'll see when I get home and can test the waters. It might just be a case of, she's not in interrogation mode, so I might be able to get away with it.

Also, I have to say that, after being completely empty for over 40 hours, I'm not liking the feeling of having so much food in my stomach at all.

Hah, I just had to wander off for ten minutes because I saw LW coming back from lunch and didn't want to be collared for another hour of being-talked-at, and now I forgot what I was going to write about. So I'll leave it there.

And good luck to everyone who is getting their results today!


Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

I am such a god damn idiot.

I just went to the drinks machine like a good little girl to get two cups of cold water and one of hot water with which to make coffee.


Fuck my life.

My left wrist hurts and is slightly burny-feeling so I probably scalded it a bit and the edge of my hoodie sleeve cuff thing is damp and has gone all cold. I also managed to spill down my left thigh, luckily NOT the general crotch area! - and then further down near my ankle. The ankle-spill didn't touch skin so no biggie, but the thigh-spill is uncomfortable although I did manage to soak most of the water out of my trousers with some conveniently-supplied paper towels.

Fucksakes. Even water is my god damn enemy.

Shit yes!

Before I went to bed last night I weighed myself again (I'm not obsessive AT ALL) and it was up to 206. BUT this morning when I woke up it was back down to 204.8 exactly, so I'm down 3lbs since yesterday!

I think it's safe to say that my little fast definitely did its job!

It's nearly 9am and I haven't eaten anything aside from water, Pepsi Max, and black coffee (with zero-cal sweeteners) since 6pm on Tuesday. And it feels great.

I am exhausted, and the hunger really set in about midnight last night when I was trying to get to sleep (and it took FOREVER to get to sleep because it was so effing hot as well) but today my stomach is not registering any hunger at all. I'm craving a couple different things, but I'm not actually physically hungry. Which is as bewildering as it is annoying. I mean, I'm kind of glad because ifI'm not hungry I have no valid REASON to eat, but on the other hand I LIKE the feeling of hunger, of my stomach rumbling and digesting itself.

Anyway, I'm going to see how today goes, I'm feeling a little lightheaded already (I'm such a lightweight, I know) so I may need *something* to keep myself going until I get home tonight around 5:30.

Have a great one!!

Vee xox

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Dude, For Serious??

Before I had a shower tonight, I hopped on the scale again. And it said 204.8.

Yeah, this morning it said 207.8 - so already tonight it's showing a loss of 3lbs??

I sure hope this sticks!

24 Hours

As of right now it's been 24 hours since I last ate. I'm going to keep going until tomorrow, unsure whether I'll go until noon or 6pm, but we'll see. I'm aiming for 6 so it'll be a full 48 hours, though.

Yay! =]

Update: according to my scale I've lost 0.4lbs so far today, and I'm usually a couple pounds higher at night than I am when I weigh in the next morning. So excited!


Okay, I THINK I've managed to reply to all of my comments, and as usual they're replies in my own comments instead of spamming up your comment sections (except you, pokerface, but you've already seen my reply so whatever! Incidentally, you guys need to go read his blog if you haven't already. This guy rocks out loud, he's adorable and his blog is written in such a way that you just want to KEEP READING.)

Anyway that's just my heads-up so you know to look for comments. If you would PREFER that I reply to your comments on your own blog, let me know and I'll oblige though!

Heck Yes

My blog post titles are random and meaningless. I need to be more creative.

But anyway. My positive-day continues. So far so good with the fast. It's now 2:30 in the afternoon and nothing but a cup of black coffee has passed through my lips. Which means that, yet again, I'm doing a shit job of keeping hydrated. I must remind myself to bring my water bottle to work again tomorrow. It was easier when I had a bottle of water to drink on my desk instead of having to get up to get a cup of water from the machine when I wanted one, since most of the time I don't even realize that I'm not drinking or that I should be thirsty. But if my water bottle is there, I see it and it reminds me to take a sip.

It's 2:30 and I've finished all my work for the day, plus an extra one because I'm awesome, so I've got an hour and a half to kill. It amazes me that I'm the most productive member of my team, when I blatantly slack half the day. I really don't get it. How do I put out more work faster than everyone else? Are they really THAT shit at their job? Can they really slack off THAT much more than I do? And if they are, how in the hell are they still here?? I do not get it at all.

I was going to write about something else too but I can't remember what it was, so I'm going to go get a drink instead and hope I remember.

Oh yeah... about an hour ago I went to the bathroom and saw this really huge Asian (Chinese/Korean/Vietnamese/Something) girl wearing a miniskirt. WHY do huge people wear short skirts? I mean she was easily half again my size, and I'M not exactly skinny. I wouldn't wear a knee-length skirt to work (or a skirt at all anywhere unless I had to), nevermind a miniskirt. They should not make small clothing in huge sizes. It is just wrong =/

New Poll Up!

Yep, that was fast! I thought of a new poll topic faster than I was expecting lol.

So this week's poll is: How do you measure your weight loss?

This is a multiple-answer one, so choose as many as you want to, and as always, feel free to elaborate in the comments if you want! Especially if you choose "other" because I'm curious =]

I personally go more for weight (as in the number on the scales) and clothing sizes going down. I need to do measurements too but I can't find my tape measure - and I NEVER see my weight loss in the mirror so that's almost completely pointless. Although I will admit that when I got down to 170 after The Breakup, I could kind of see it and that was nice.

How about you?

Poll Results!

It's about time I get around to posting the results of last week's poll!

The question was: what's an acceptable level of calorie restriction for you?

The results are in:

Total votes: 32 - holy shit, 32? I can't believe that many people actually come here, even though I currently have 78 followers. That number is simply staggering!

400-500: 21% (7 votes)
500-600: 18% (6 votes)
1000-1200: 15% (5 votes)
Under 400: 15% (5 votes)
600-800: 12% (4 votes)
800-1000: 9% (3 votes)
Above 1200: 6% (2 votes)

Wow, we got a decent number of votes under each category. It's interesting to see that so many people have such a different approach to restricting, isn't it?

Anyway, good luck to you all and keep up the great work! I'll have a new poll up for you soon!

Fasting: The Halfway Point

It's exactly noon here in sunny old England, and so far so good. I just went to get a cup of black coffee with some sweeteners in it for my "lunch". I love coffee, but only if it's super sweet - back in my teens I used to have fresh brewed coffee with like six spoons of sugar in it. No wonder I got so fucking fat, right?

But it's all going well so far. Yesterday when I ate it couldn't have been later than 6, so as of right now I've gone 18 hours without any food. My fast is stretching through today and I'll probably have something for lunch tomorrow, so in total it will be another 24 hours from now. So in total my fast will have lasted 42 hours. Which is kind of making me want to push it until 6pm tomorrow night and just make it a nice, round 48.

I might just do that. I've been trying to justify getting lasagne from work's canteen tomorrow (Canteen food is pretty shit but their lasagne is actually really nice) but I really shouldn't. Especially as it's not a guarantee that I'll be able to get away with eating nothing tomorrow night. So, we'll see, I'll probably push the fast to tomorrow night at 6 and then just have a 300 calorie frozen meal when I get home from work and let that be it for the day.

Hooray for success and determination and motivation!


Today is a good day.

I woke up having lost the extra weight I've put on over the weekend/early this week/whenever, so my total loss since last Friday is back to 1.5lbs. Which is by no means exorbitant, but it will do. I worked an extra hour and a quarter at the beginning of the week so I decided to come in late today to use the extra time (now, since work has changed the way our "work-time" works, we can't work extra hours and take a day off, and if we've worked any extra at the end of the month, it's lost, it doesn't get paid as overtime and we can't use it to come in late the next month so all gains and deficits need to be evened out as soon as we can, basically). So I got to stay in bed until 8 (although I was awoken by the sunshine streaming into my room just ater 4) and for some reason, although I still didn't sleep fabulously last night, I feel... motivated and less zombie-like than usual.

Maybe it's a starvation high finally hitting? I mean I know I ate last night but I purged most of it, so it's possible. But I just feel so much more positive today. Plus, I'm zooming through my work. I've already done half a day's worth and I've only been in the office for just over an hour ;) It's 11:05 right now and I'm here til 4, and if I can finish all of my work for the day before say, 1, I can close them slowly throughout the afternoon and spend the afternoon on the internet and reading blogs instead and just take it easy.

I love days like this!

The fasting is going well too. I mean, it's only 11, and I've got that "I'm so hungry!" shaky feeling going on (entirely different from yesterday's "ohmygodi'mgoingothaveapanicattack" shakiness) which is kind of nice because it lets me KNOW my body is doing what I want it to do! I'm not even tempted to have anything to eat or whatever right now. Again, the downside is that I'm not hydrating - I only just realized I haven't had anything to drink in 12 hours =/ - so I need to go get some water.

And like I said before, my aunts will be out until at least 8ish tonight, so I can get away with having nothing at home =]

Such a good mood day. It's totally random but I'm liking it.

Anyway, off to finish the rest of these letters that need to be done. Hope you're all having a fabulous day too!

Vee xox

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Confession (graphicness warning!)

Tonight was kind of bad. Not as bad as it could have been but just bad.

I was really down this evening, still. And for some reason I decided to make it worse and have a handful of Doritos instead of soup or anything. Only a handful turned into more than I should have eaten. So then I Started freaking out and felt really sick and dizzy and went and purged as much as I could. Only, because I'd barey had anything to drink all day, the stuff at the bottom was all dry and horrible and thick and SCRAPED up my throat and I thought I was going to choke to death on it. And then afterward I just felt really sick and dizzy and headachey and horrible and had a lot to drink and went to bed and just passed out for like 2 or 3 hours.

Everytime I purge (whether I make myself do it or it happens "on its own" so to speak) I always feel terrible. All night I've felt really sick like I've got a ridiculous cold and just all around yickiness. I think I have a fever since I'm super hot, which is not like me - I am ALWAYS cold. But this just backs up the fact that I could never, ever give over to Mia and live my life with her. To me, it's not worth feeling like this.

Anyway, tomorrow will be my scheduled fast day as my aunts won't be home until around 8 (maybe later) tomorrow so I can definitely get away without having anything at all. And I am damn well going to stick to it.

It totally helps that the idea of eating anything right now turns my stomach =P

Night folks, hope you've had a good one!

15:07 and all is well

Sorry for the random, pointless updates. I'm feeling the need to blog to keep my head straight. The day is going well but I'm still feeling weird and shakey and... all those other words I used before to try to explain it. So I'm blogging. Because yeah, that makes total sense.

Current Calorie Count: 25 - added 15 cals for a spoon of Options hot chocolate in some hot water, for a hot chocolate to warm me up.

Now I'm just crossing my fingers that my aunt won't say anything when I just have a 10-cal soup for dinner. Maybe I'll tell her there was lasagne in the canteen and I had that for lunch so not really hungry when I get home. Sounds like a plan, batman.

13:25 and all is well

Yep, it's nearly 1:30 in the afternoon and so far, so good.

The good side:
--only 10 calories consumed so far, and in liquid form.

The bad side:
--those 10 calories of liquid is also the only thing I've had to drink today. Must hydrate!

Best Thing Ever

(With regard to my previous post about being antisocial I finally plucked up the motivation to write back to my best-friend-since-we-were-6, D, who would be the perfect gay best friend if he were into fashion, beauty, or shopping AT ALL, but as it is he's one of only two or three people who understand my completely jaded, misanthropic, antisocial view of the world, so he'll do.)

Anwyay, I just got an email back from D, and the closing line was "On that note I should go to bed because it is 4:30. Crap, it's 4:30. You are a tremendous distraction."

What does it say about me that that last line is probably one of the best compliments I've received in ages?


I'm a bit all over the place right now, which is why I haven't commented back to most comments yet, and for that I apologise. I will get around to it tonight, I promise. I always feel like such a flake when I don't reply back right away. Which is another reason why I'm going to stick to replying to comments within my/your comments instead of doing comment posts... because I tend to post more than once a day and don't comment back every day (like I should) it gets a little mixed up and convoluted... So, comments will remain in-comments.

I will reply to every one (eventually) so if I haven't commented on your blog, it'll be in my own comments <3

Anyway, as to my "all over the place". It's so weird, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and a manic episode at the same time. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm ready to burst out of myself, like my inside is thrumming and giddy and trembling with anticipation. Anticipation for what, I have no idea, since nearly everything is shit-tastic right now.

I feel excited and ridiculously depressed at the same time. And I realize that makes no sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm going to burst out into a hysterical giggling fit at any given moment, yet at the same time I still feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going crazy.

How is it possible to be pissed off and depressed, and yet still be in a quazi-good mood? Once again, my own physiology confuses me. I bet I'd be a prize subject for science to study.

Bleh, I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I just feel like there's so much in my life that is a mess and that I need to work on and improve, but I don't know where to start and I'm not even sure I have the motivation to do it. Take, for example, my impending trip back over the Atlantic.

On the one hand, I'm looking forward to visiting Canada. Mostly, I'm looking forward to shopping at Sephora and getting some REAL cowboy boots (which, by my research, will cost between $150-200, by the way), and seeing a couple of friends and my mom and brother and sister and nephew. I'm looking forward to having some time off work.

But I'm not looking forward to seeing friends at the same time. Because I'm huge. The last time I went to Canada was just over three years ago, and I was about 10lbs lighter than I am now. The past couple of months my weight has exploded and I'm struggling to get it back under control. My two-week personal challenge started off great, dropping 1.4lbs in the first 24 hours. But then on the weekend, I didn't lose at all, and last night I managed to GAIN half a pound back, due to snacking on ritz crackers and peanut butter.

I fail. At everything.

Because the worst part is that I'm looking forward to Canadian food, like poutine and my mom's beef dip. I know I'm going to have to restrict and be very careful if I want to NOT gain anything while I'm there, but it's going to be so hard not to binge. Luckily I'm bringing my laptop with me and will be able to check in every day, and having to post stats here will be more likely to keep me under control.

That, and the fact that money I don't spend on eating out can be spent on that MUFE HD Foundation I want so badly instead, and a new pair of leather, four-inch block-heeled rubber(ish?) soled boots!

Which brings me to an aside, in that a lot of England's footwear sucks. Don't get me wrong, Schuh sells some amazing stilettos and hooker-heels and skater-shoes and Rocket Dog flats. But boots. I love me some heeled leather boots. When I lived in Canada I had a nice pair that had a block-heel with rubber soles that had a decent level of gripping in there, and were perfect for trudging through the snow and stopping my clumsy ass from breaking my face on the ice all over the place in the winter. But when I finally had to get rid of them, I was never able to find a decent substitute. The only decent pair of boots I have right now are some leather Hush Puppies with a heel, but they are in no way suitable for wear during winter and in ice.

So anyway. I need to not eat so that I can instead shop. Which is true for my day-to-day life also, to be fair.

Also, I'm in a kind of antisocial period right now. I don't know why but I've been slacking on my email and IM correspondence with friends back home, and little things are really getting under my skin. I can only assume it's because I'm depressed at my physical situation, and the fact that I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER now that I've paid my trip to Cancun on my credit card. Oh GOD, I really, really, need to lose all this lard before I go to Mexico..

It's weird, after writing all of this I feel a little bit more placcid. I still feel that shakiness inside but it's not AS bad. I feel more like... I CAN get control of myself.

Which brings me to today's plan.

Two 10-calorie soups.

That is it. It's 11:45 in the morning right now, and around 1 I think I'll go get some hot water for the first one. Second one when I get home.

And. AND. Tomorrow I am planning a fast-day =] My aunts will be at their "Fat Club" when I get home, and shouldn't be home until around 8, at which point I can hop in the shower and spend the rest of the night taming my wild tresses and go straight to bed. I haven't done a fast day in SO long, so tomorrow will be it!

Fingers crossed these two days will get my weight-loss jumpstarted again.

Also, I really need to start working out. I've been so lazy lately, but I still haven't been sleeping so it's been hard to find any energy reserves at all to do anything.

Thanks for listening darlings. I love you all!



I need to sort my life out.

Monday, 17 August 2009

More Weekend Plans

Sigh. This 10lbs in 14 days challenge is going to be hard. I didn't see S this weekend but we're meeting up this coming Saturday to hang out one last time before I'm Canada-Bound for two weeks. And, of course, this means going out to eat. Why must we always eat? I guess in this case it's so we have something to do... I mean, I have no money to shop, I'm saving shopping for Canada, and I already told her I can't afford to go out clubbing (either the money or the excess calories because all of my favourite drinks are ridiculously non-ED-friendly) so we cancelled that part.

So, we're going for sushi. And oh god, do I love sushi. I just have to remind myself not to overdo it. 500 cals, 500 cals, 500 cals! I might restrict further than 500 this week just so if I slip up a little on Saturday I've already covered myself.

Right now, I'm craving bananas =/ And celery dipped in peanut butter.

Still, it's 11 and I haven't eaten anything yet. I dunno what I want to do for lunch. Go get some fresh crisp lettuce and maybe make a little salad, or get some wafer-thin chicken (9 cals per slice!) and roll them up with the lettuce? I'm not in the mood for my 10-calorie soup, which sounds bad but is the truth. I don't know if I can be bothered to go up to Tesco though. And it's probably best I don't as I've been known to lose myself in there and buy a ton of snack foods like croissants and fridge raiders (cold chicken bites) and stuff, and I can't afford to do that right now. So I'll probably just settle in for a plain baked potato from the canteen instead.

I'd buy a banana from the canteen but they're expensive and always super brown and yucky.

The Weekend of Suck

This weekend was made of fail. Mostly because it was made of migraines.

It started off okay - woke up Saturday morning 1.4lbs lighter than I had on Friday! Score! Went to the mall and a craft shop to pick up some things I needed, and managed to get my hands on two new Dean Koontz books. Double-Score!

But halfway through our trek through the mall, my head started pounding ominously. And it only got worse. I drank two bottles of fruit juice hoping it was dehydration or something, but no dice. So I got a small bag of crisps and had most of them, hoping the salty goodness would stave off the migraine if it was due to lack of food. Again, no dice.

By the time we got home I was nearly in tears. I had a little pasta to eat, still praying that carbs would do the job (although I ate pasta, I didn't go over much for the day, my total was around 600 with the crisps so it's not TOO bad). But I couldn't even finish eating because the headache was making me feel ridiculously sick - and my migraine pills weren't doing anything. So I lie in bed trying not to be sick - and all the while thinking how great it would be if my migraine DID make me sick, because no calories and technically it wasn't making myself sick - and took some more painkillers. By 9 at night the migraine had centred over... well, the entire right half of my head. But it wasn't as bad as it had been, so I went down to talk to my aunts for a while. But, it reared right back up as soon as I got out of bed, so I soon wandered back and stayed there for the night.

Around 6 yesterday morning, I woke up and my head was killing me still/again. I got up and took some more migraine pills, but immediately started feeling sick and had to take out my retainer so I could sit in the bathroom for 15 minutes and wait for the sick feeling to pass. It didn't, but I wound up getting a wash cloth and soaking it in very cold water, before going back to bed. In the end, I put the cloth - water and all - on one of my pillows, pressed my face into the pillow so the cold water was bathing the section over my brow that was throbbing the worst, and finally managed to fall asleep. BUT then around 11 my grandparents turned up and I had to get up and get dressed. More painkillers and two and a half hours later and I went back to bed until 5.

Last night it was finally starting to ease up, although it's still throbbing a bit in the same spot today. At least it's not a full on migraine.

In the end, even though I didn't go over calories yesterday, I still didn't lose any today. Sigh.

So total loss so far is 1.4lbs - which isn't TOO bad I suppose since it still averages to half a pound a day, right?

Oh yeah, and it was my mom's birthday yesterday and when I spoke to her on the phone in the evening she was depressed and in tears. My grandmother had forgot her own daughter's birthday, and nobody over there was acting like they gave half a shit. She had to go out and buy stuff to cook dinner for her husband and my brother. My stepdad went out to get her a card while I was on the phone with her. No presents.

Yeah, happy fucking birthday.

I hope you guys had a better weekend than I did =/

Vee xox

Friday, 14 August 2009


Rachel B and Hanz have decided to join in on the 10lbs-in-14-days challenge. Good luck to you both =] <3

So far today has gone well. 2 cups of green tea, two cups of water (I'm bad at trying to stay hydrated, SIGH), and a plain baked potato with a tiny amount of low-fat spread and some salt. Salt makes you retain water, but I have to admit I love salty food and have it on very nearly everything. And it was so nice. Usually the potatoes here are horrible and hard but today it was cooked and nice and soft so it was like guilt-free mashed potato (as in, no milk and butter lol).

So that's about 170 calories. Which leaves me 330. Minus 220 for my frozen meal when I Get home, I have 110 to play with. I'll probably have some strawberries for a little dessert.


This little challenge has totally helped me out, I feel so much more motivated today than I have in ages (a couple nights ago, I turned into a total bingey monster, and gained a pound yesterday morning. But this morning that pound was gone thank god!). And I'm actually enjoying this again. The feeling of hunger is hurting so good.

Best of luck to all the bodacious babes who are taking part in this with me and K. =]

10lbs in 2 Weeks

Made a pact with my friend K that we're going to restrict together (sub500) and drop 10lbs by the 28th (which is when I go to Canada). 10lbs in 14 days. We can do this.

I need to try to set myself more short-term goals, it's more motivating to go for a week and hit a small goal than try to hit that big goal and it taking ages to get there, which sucks.

So I WILL be back under 200 by the time I leave for Canada!

Anyone else want to join in on the fun? =]

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Replies To Comments

It's been so long that instead of going through my comments and replying there, I'm going to reply here to make sure y'all see it haha. Also, I've seen others using this format and I think I like it.

So, here goes. Sorry if it's confusing, I'm replying to everyone's comments at once so I hope you remember what you said ^.^

EDIT: OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY. Sorry. Just so you know I'm replying in reverse order, in paragraph-form. I hope that helps keep things straight, this is turning into a mess lol. This is what I get for neglecting comments for two weeks =/

@xthinforever: My aunt is doing well, thanks! She's started driving already, wheras J had to take a good few weeks off. She's healing a lot better than J did so far. Still bad news on the fluorescents, although they're off today thank fuck!

Haha dude, I have such a high libido, it's ridiculous. But I haven't gotten any in over a year and a half >.<

Luckily my stress over my aunt at the hospital was unfounded. It turns out her fever is just from her generic all-the-time night-sweats so it was nothing to be concerned about. But, I tend to stress out over absolutely nothing, it's not a good thing.

Ugh starting a day off immediately being pissed off is not good. My whole day sucked after that.

@Dot: Haha yeah the "more rest" never happened. Migraines at work at just making my sleeping situation even worse right now.

Haha if he calls. Also, he's just moved BACK to Australia so I'm kinda doubting that he'll be around anytime soon =/

Thanks hun, luckily my aunt is doing okay. But unfortunately the weight hasn't dropped off like I'd hoped. When I stress out my weight loss slows for some retarded reason, and like I said in my previous post I upped my calorie intake a little, which meant I basically just stayed the same. Damnit. It'll be gone soon though! =]

Ooh, I will email you the link as soon as I finish with this =]

Measurements are definitely coming soon! Once I find my measuring tape! Now is probably a good time to post it too because right now I'm pretty high so it'll be a good starting-point to measure my progress against.

FOAM CUPS ARE MADE OF FAIL. Seriously, that one little thing made me not even want to go out, it was so horrible. I DEFINITELY need a shopping spree, but I've been putting it off until I go to Canada. Only, now it's looking like I'll have barely lost anything so I'm not convinced it's worth buying a load of clothes there that will (hopefully) be too big for me in a couple of months. Although I'll probably buy something like a really nice pair of jeans in a couple sized smaller and make it my goal to fit into them by the time I go to Cancun ^.^ Haha girl, I love the rain too, just not when it's ALL THE TIME. We literally just had about 3 days where it was really nice and sunny out, and now it's back to rain. So seriously, I get 3 days of summer haha. And then people wonder why I'm so god damn pale! (although I LIKE being pale and people don't get that).

I just realized that I already commented back to that last one Dot, sorry haha. YOU GET MOAR.

@Samantha: Haha that's so random. Clearly, I have some kind of intense psychic ability... to inflict others with my badness lol.

@Ana's Girl: The Aussie accent was totally hot. I mean, I live in England so there are accents all over the place, but because I live in Yorkshire a lot of people have really broad, horrible, hobo-sounding acents and it is not goooood =///

Being on the phone suuucks. Luckily I've only got one more Phone day before I go to Canada for two weeks. So, next Thursday, if you call a pension company in the UK and get a girl with an American-sounding accent, it's probably me ;]

Haha thanks about the writing dealie... When I first wrote it I loved it but now I'm not so sure, it seems a little slow and all-over-theplace. We'll see ^.^

@skinnybysiness: Thanks for the comment on my writing ^.^ Hopefully I'll get some time to actually work on it...

@Carmen: Honestly, I think you're right. I tend to get caught up in descriptions and character-introspection that I can tend to forget to "keep the ball rolling" haha. Definitely something I'll need to work at.

@sadhana: Well, if you get a chance to read it let me know what you think =] I'm always looking for constructive criticism. And, as to my blogs, this is probably the best one to follow. Champagne Petals is kind of a side-project where I'm trying to compile a compendium of ED-Friendly cooking and recipes and foods. It's slow-going right now but when I get the time I've got a ton to add on to it.

@SophiaRuins: Luckily the "family meals" thing isn't being enforced now. My aunt said to J that I'll be "doing my own thing" with my diet and if we do have a group meal it'll only be every once in a while. That's something I can live with, more than "every day we take turns." Eff that.


I also had two comments from a new follower who told me she was reading my blog from the start. HI TO YOU! Sorry I didn't reply to your comments here, because I'm an idiot I approved the comments before I checked where they were at and now I can't find the posts to reply. I'm going to have a look and see if I can find them now though haha.


Time, Rolling Along With The Waves

So, once again I need to apologise for not being around much. Work has been ridiculously busy, and isn't aided by the fact that a girl in my team (we'll call her LW) has started talking to me, but when she does she DOES NOT EVER STOP.

I was a little ahead of my work, I went to print my last letter of the day at 3:15, leaving me a good 45 minutes to blog and catch up before I could go home. Except, she picked up a letter from the printer at the same time and started talking. I kept trying to interject to say "Well, I'd better get back to work" but it just didn't happen. Until 3:55 when I finally said "Dude, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, I've gotta go."

Then yesterday, I'd literally just brought up my web browser and she came over to my desk to chat for another 45 minutes. It might have been longer actually, I don't remember. It's a wonder we didn't get shouted at (I mean, my stats are great, so I guess I wouldn't really get in trouble anyway). When I move to the new desk, there's a strong chance it will be worse, as she'll be sitting directly behind me but up one desk - so diagonally kind of. Right now, she's at the opposite end of the office. Lord help me.

She's really nice and I like her (and my GOD is she skinny, she is total fucking thinspo every damn day) but my goodness the girl can talkkkk haha.

Anyway, onto updates.

In the past week (or, god, has it been nearly 2??) I've manged to gain another pound, and am down half a pound today. So I'm still a little up, but it could be worse. I'm getting down because I've lost like NO weight so I'll still be a huge fucking cow when I go to Canada, and suddenly I'm notsomuch looking forward to shopping (except I WILL be doing clothes-hair-skincare-etc shopping with N). Sigh. This past week has been random. I upped my calorie intake a little to keep my metabolism running, but stayed under 1000 every day. Yet still gained a pound (which is now down to a half, thank god). But, I tend to plateau when I'm stressed, and the past week I've been stressed to hell. Work, home, being absolutely fucking exhausted...

I now have to walk home from my bus stop after work (so after a total of two to two-and-a-half hours bus journey to and from, plus 7-9 hours at work), which is good and bad. Good because it is exercise but bad because it's always right after I've spent a good hour trying not to fall asleep on my bus. I swear to god I actually dozed off yesterday and was jolted awake when the driver slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting some little retard. And the walk is 20-25 minutes, uphill the entire way. My calves ache like hell this morning from the walk, which is mostly a good thing, except that the right on is also cramping and that is bad. I'm already so tired right now, the weather is shit, my back and all of the muscles in my neck are aching from stress and exhaustion, I can seriously barely keep my eyes open right now and it's 10:45 in the morning... And I know I have that walk ahead of me.

And girls, right now it feels so daunting. All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I can't. I can't relax. There's always something.

At least it's forcing my lazy ass to get some exercise though, right?

Food plan right now is, from today, pushing lower again. Lunch is a 10 calorie soup, and to be honest I don't even particularly want it right now. I feel like most of me is still asleep, including my digestive system, and it doesn't want to be woken up. But I should probably get something to drink at some point anyway and it might as well be chicken flavoured. Tonight I'll have my 220 calorie Shepherd's Pie and that should be it for the day.

Although realistically, I could just go home and straight to bed and try to relax and get some fucking sleep. We'll see.

Sidenote: at the cinema on Monday night (we went to see Orphan - SO GOOD, although nearish to the beginning I had an inkling of what the surprise would be, and was glad that I was half-right but that they did it REALISTICALLY instead of throwing bullshit all over the place like most movies do), my aunt was stressing about how she thinks she's overeating. To put this in perspective, what she had all day:

Breakfast: 1/2 a weetabix with a little milk
Lunch: 100 calorie tomato cup-a-soup
Dinner: A bowl of some manner of soup that J made for them.
Snack: a handful of Ritz crackers

I was like " are not overeating. If that's all I ate in a day you would shout at me."

I think because she's had a different surgery from J and H, and it's more possible for her to overeat, she's therefore convinced that she IS overeating. And I'm like... chill.

I dunno, anyway, I need to get back to work. And try not to pass out. I AM SO TIRED, and I'm so sore all over. My sore neck is making my head hurt >.<

Thursday, 6 August 2009


Ugh my head is hurting so might right now. All the fluorescent lights have been turned on above me and I can't turn them off. My head is throbbing and my eyes are bleary and most of all I feel sick and nauseous and super hot. An hour and 20 minutes to go. Home free.

My aunt's at home now.

Sorry for the sporatic posting this week. It's just been hectic and I've been exhausted with the long days and hospital visits. Now that she's home and I can go straight home and sleep instead of having to go to a hospital until 9pm I should have a little more gusto to get shit done and therefore have some free time to blog it up.

Wishing you all the best!

Comments-back to follow

Vee xox

Wednesday, 5 August 2009


Just had a call from a client who just moved back home to Australia and had some questions on transferring his pension... And he had a super sexy accent. Yum yum, yes please!

I so badly need to get laid.

Bad times

I'm on fucking phones at work today and it's irritating me already. I hadn't even logged onto the system when someone handed me my first call from someone else's phone, and I had to deal with that. Started getting on with my first piece of actual work and the phone rang again - someone from our Indian contact centre with a client on the line who was super pissed off... so I had to ask two other people to find an answer to the question, finally figured it out and came back - and the person had hung up on me. AWESOME. So I just wasted 20 minutes, instead of actually getting some of my own work done.

Also was stressed this morning because my aunt is still in the hospital and yesterday she was running a fever and she said her stomach felt like it was swelling a little bit. I wasn't too highly concerned, the doctors were going to look into the fever and deal with it. But this morning J was telling me about how, when her dad went into the hospital to have a botched hip replacement redone, he was running a fever and his stomach was swelling. And then it turned out the swollen stomach was due to a ruptured intestine and he was vomiting fecal matter. And a few days later HE FUCKING DIED.

So then all morning I've been stressed to all hell, but I've just texted J to ask how my aunt is doing and she said "better this morning, hopefully coming home tomorrow. going to try her on a light meal today" (she hasn't eaten yet, just liquids since the surgery). So, all seems well now.

My stress plus having to eat at the hospital meant that my intake was way over what it should have been the past two days and as a result of that and probably late gain from the weekend, I'm up 2lbs. Which I expected after Saturday anyway so I'm not TOO depressed over it. Getting back into business today though so I will be back down soon. On the upside, my stress today is making me feel sick which is making the idea of food make me even more nauseous so huzzah!

Um. Thanks for your comments about my story. I'm going to take it down but if anyone wants to read it, leave me a comment with a way to contact you and I'll email you my account address.

God, I'm so all over the place today I can't even remember what the shit I was going to write about. I've got to try to get something done before the phone goes again so I'll write more later, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'm doing mostly okay but I am stressed the shit out.

Love you all,
Vee xox

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Preview: Chapter Uno

This is a random, non-food-related post. Sorry, I don't have time to post much of actual interest today (work is intense and I'm going straight to the hospital when I finish here), but I wanted so share a piece of me with you, so here is a copy-and-pasted pasted Chapter One of my masterpiece. I'll post it for a day or two and then take it down, because I'd hate for Google's trawlers to find it, then one of my friends google a sentence and find it crossposted here and at my account.

It's not very good, it's a bit all-over-the-place, and I've scrapped it four times so far and started from scratch... but it's mine and I'm (mostly) proud of it so far. One day, it'll be published, and all of you will get a shoutout in the credits.

One day...


Let me know in comments (leave an email address or something?) if you missed it and want to read, I'll send you a link to my account.

Monday, 3 August 2009


Full post to come later because I need to fit a nap in before I go back to visit my aunt at the hospital in a few hours (after waiting five hours for her to go into surgery at noon today >.<)

But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.

Sunday, 2 August 2009

Fuck That


I'm in my room putting on my makeup and I can hear my aunts talking downstairs. They're planning on the three of us taking turns buying ingredients and cooking for everyone. I'm sorry, but fuck that. I'm not coming home and having a fully cooked family meal every day. I am on a "diet" which they well know, so I will be coming home and having a low-calorie Weight Watcher's meal or a cup of soup or some fruit or something. They can not fucking force me to have to have a meat-and-veggies cooked meal every night. If they want it, then fine they can do it for themselves, but as it is, I already pay for my own food and and have my own thing. They're saying doing it their way makes it more "fair" because the food costs are more evenly split. But I ALREADY buy my own food separate from theirs, and it's only once in a very rare while that I eat anything they've bought (like when J's bro and sis-in-law came for dinner and she decided to cool a stew-casserole-thing for everyone).

If they try to push this on me I might actually lose my shit.


Dot mentioned to me last night that I should do measurements... I used to, in my own little diary, which I haven't written in in MONTHS, haha, and I do intend to again. This time I'll post it here - kind of a more permanent record of my losses. BUT FIRST I need to find my fucking tape measure. Seriously, I can't find anything since we moved. SIGH.

But yes, that is to come soon also!

Hellzyeah v2.0

All hope is not lost!

Weighed myself this afternoon (it's 2 now, I stayed in bed until noon and then went downstairs to chill with my aunts until about half an hour ago haha) and I am exactly 205.8 - so no gain this weekend! How fucking awesome is that?

I was fully expecting to be up like 2lbs after last night. I mostly behaved myself with dinner (only small amounts of rice, ate the lamb out of the main course but left the sauce etc) but I still thought I would gain between that and the alcohol and many cocktails last night. But I'm the same! It feels like a miracle haha. I haven't lost this weekend, but I'm so happy to have not gained, so none of my work this week has been undone. I'm positively euphoric today!

I think we're going to visit my granny in a while (yay I can pick up my package!) and then my aunt's got to go have some pre-op injection into her belly at 5. We're taking her to the hospital and waiting with her until she goes through into the operating theatre tomorrow morning (earlllly) and then J has to go to town I think so if it's not raining we'll go there. She wants to hit Starbucks so I might get a small skinny mocha frappucinno or something. We shall see.

Not much else to write about right now, really. S and L and I aren't going to the cinema tonight. S sent me a text-message this morning asking if it's ok to cancel and I said I'm down with that, since I really can't be bothered. Plus no pressure to get nachos or popcorn or anything with them. So that's an upside.

Short work week this week huzzah! Off tomorrow since my aunt's going in for surgery, and then I'll be in late Tues since my orthodontist appointment is midmorning. Love it!

26 days until I go to Canada. I still have mixed feelings about it, but I'm getting excited for the time off work at the very least =]

Right, I've gotta go get ready to venture out into the outside world, and then I'll get replying back to your comments.

Love ya! And I hope you all had a fabulous weekend too <3

Vee xox


I love S and L. Even when I'm not in the mood to have to deal with or be around other people, they always make me have fun.

Went to eat (I had Lamb Dopiaza with a little rice and shared naan bread with L), but instead of sticking to low-cal drinks, cocktails were involved. Although, I can't see them being toooo bad, since they were just like... pineapple juice plus alcohol and such things. I had an alcoholic cherry coke with dinner, which had a shot of amaretto in it. So nice. I know I'll be paying for this for the next few days, but I think it was worth it. I needed a night out.

Especially after the shitty evening I had before. Getting ready to go out was crap. At first it seemed to go well. I finally found my plain black flats, and the jeans I wanted to wear were cleaned and ironed so that was good. But then I couldn't find the top I wanted to wear. And when I did and put it on, I got SO frustrated. The chestal area has like foam cups inserted in between the fabric, and when it's been washed you have to fuck around to straighten out the foam cup things because they get all bunched up. But it was worse than usual this time and I wound up tearing the top off and throwing it on the floor before tearing through my closet. Except, I have absolutely nothing to wear. Everything is either too big or slightly too small for me right now. So I spent a good ten minutes fixing my top.

Then, I did my makeup and then decided I wanted to wear false lashes. I love false lashes <3 Except for tonight. The fucking glue would NOT stick to the lashes, just got all up on my lid instead and dried but sans lash. So three times I tried to stick the lash on my left eye, and three times I had to struggle to get all of the glue off and out of my eyelashes where it had somehow managed to wad up (usually I do not have these issues with false lashes, it's just been one of those nights). It pulled off all of my liquid eyeliner, and some eyeshadow, and my eyelashes were all clumped together. Plus I somehow managed to get the glue into my eye so it was stinging and watering up and blurry as all fuck and then my eyelids were sticking together when I blinked (even though the glue was just put above my top lashes ugh).

By this time I didn't have time to take off my makeup and start over so I wound up using a Q-Tip soaked with makeup remover to take off the liner and mascara and then peeled off as much of the glue as I could and reapplied in the bare area. It didn't look too bad in the end but I was SO frustrated and really did not want to go out.

Then, although my aunt asked me earlier in the afternoon what time I needed to be at my bus stop for, by the time I had to leave she was in bed napping, and since it hadn't been agreed really that she was going to drive me, I didn't want to wake her up. So, I grabbed my stuff and headed out. Of course, my umbrella didn't want to open properly so I had to fight with that for a while before it would open fully, as it was PISSING IT DOWN as usual. Ten feet outside my back door and my flats were full of water. AWESOME.

Twenty minutes of speedwalking and I got to my bus stop. Tired and frustrated as hell (although at least it was some extra exercise!) Didn't have to wait long for my bus, but I think the driver thought I was drunk because I stepped on the bus and then kind of stumbled sideways and I was trying to unfold my weekly ticket, and he kind of nodded at me bemusedly. So when I got off I made sure to say a cheery, clear "Thanks!!" haha.

There were a ton of people in town doing their marketing surveys or trying to sell shit or get donations, so I pretended to be on my phone while I walked to our meeting place haha.

We went to eat and then headed out to do a little bar hopping. It never ceases to amaze me what idiots go out... Morbidly obese chicks in miniskirts, huge guys with skinheads wandering around like they think they're all that and checking out all the skinny hot chicks as if they stand half a chance. But the woooorst is the 50+ year old women who dress in teeny, short outfits (whether they still have a half decent body or not) and trowel on the makeup. It's horrible!

We only stayed out til 11:30 - after eating and alcohol we were all tired haha. I got home about an hour and a half ago. The downside is that the food soaked up the alcohol we had, so I'm not even feeling the slightest buzz, which means the full feeling in my stomach from cocktails and shots doesn't seem worth the discomfort. Sigh.

It'll be ok though. We walked quite a bit tonight, plus I've got time to get rid of any extra gain.

We're going to see The Proposal tomorrow afternoon, after I stop by to visit my granny (and pick up my PunkyPinz mystery package yay!)

Ohh yeah. While we were out, L went to get some cash out while S and I waited in one of the bars for him, and he went to get some money for S too while he was out there. He came back and seemed a bit concerned - apparently he got S's money out fine but after he put in his card and pin and requested money, the machine spit his card out then froze for a few minutes before showing an error message saying "Your card has been retained. Please call your bank" - although it had just given his card back. So he was concerned maybe it was some kind of scam (although surely if someone had managed to bug the machine somehow they'd save the pin numbers AND keep the cards?) and S was stressing because she's currently got like 20 grand in her account, waiting for a check to come out (I think it's the deposit for the house they're buying right now). So, L called the emergency fraud-stolen-card-etc line on the back of his card, to ask for advice, as to whether he should be concerned and to ask if they should cancel their cards or whatever. But halfway through explaining what happened, the fuck at the bank hung up on him! So he's going to call back tomorrow to find out what he needs to do and also put in a complaint about the cock he was on the phone with.

Anyway. I'm going to go to bed... I must be getting old, it's only 1 in the morning and I'm completely exhausted. To the point where I can't really be bothered to go take my makeup off and brush my teeth and stuff before bed. But, because I HAVE to put my retainer in, I'll make myself do it. Sigh.

I've got my three-month retainer review at my orthodontist on Tuesday morning at 10, though, and I'm hoping he'll tell me I don't have to wear it EVERY night anymore. Every other night would be awesome, but we'll see. I know I'll have to wear it for the rest of my life at least once or twice a week, but being able to cut out a couple of nights would be nice. Although, I have to take off makeup/wash face and brush teeth before bed every night anyway so I guess it doesn't really make a difference... we'll see.

I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, and reply to all your comments in the morning too. I've read them already, I just don't have the energy to reply right now without passing out haha.

Also, in case you didn't notice, I reply to all of your comments in my comments... instead of spamming up your entries with my own comments haha. I feel bad going to comment back to your entries, with something entirely unrelated to what you just blogged about, so I do it here instead. ^.^

Goodnight my darlings and happy weekend!

Vee xox

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Small Successes

So it's now 2:30 in the afternoon, and after having nothing to eat all morning and then 15 minutes of sporatic running/walking on my treadmill at the highest resistance (there are only 8 levels - and dude, I am SO out of shape, those 15 minutes were a struggle!) I'm back down to 206.2. So I'm only 0.4 up from yesterday right now which is not bad =]

Not meeting S and L until 7, and I'm not hungry at all, so it's looking good!

It Could Be Worse, I Guess

So, I weighed myself, and I'm back up 1lb. So, I guess it could be worse, except that I know I'll probably put on another pound tonight and there goes half the week's progress. I have to keep telling myself that fast gains are also fast losses. Plus, I think a large part of that is food weight. My body's been nearly empty for the past week and now I've still got some food working its way through the digestive track. So it's not TOO bad I guess.

Jeez... I can't remember what else I was going to write about. My aunt came in and started talking in screechy baby talk to my cat, and I just woke up half an hour ago and oh GOD shut up. She's gone now but she killed my brain while she was here and I can't remember what I wanted to say. So, I'll leave it at that for now. My posts will probably be slightly fewer than during the week, but if I think of anything I'll get my laptop out and post for you.

My aunts are going out to get paint now (they're repainting the old house, because right now it is a vibrant forest green and the estate agents think it might be turning off potential buyers, so they're buying paint and paying one of their friends to repaint it for them in a more neutral colour. I was hoping for a medium-light grey, but they're doing it boring beige instead.) so I might get dressed and hit the treadmill for a bit. I have a headache this morning, again, but it needs to be done.

I suck at motivating myself for exercise haha.

Maybe I'll go burn one of those Zumba DVDs I downloaded and do that instead.

Stay Strong my loves and have a great one!
Vee xox