5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.
I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.
On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.
Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.
So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.
This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.
Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.
So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.
Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.
I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?
Whatever.
Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.
Vee xox
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Of Flukedom?
I was right when I said that yesterday’s random 4lb drop was a fluke. Today, I’m the same weight, no gains or losses, not even in the decimals. Which I guess makes yesterday’s fluke less of a fluke. 4lbs over 2 days is much more reasonable than 4lbs overnight, right? So hopefully it’ll stick and the loss will continue tomorrow.
Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.
Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.
In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.
Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.
Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.
In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
38
Sorry I haven't been posting, my dears. I keep meaning to, I really do. I miss blogging and commenting on yours. But I've been having difficulty finding the time. Or, indeed, the motivation. I just feel so apathetic all the time. Or at least, when I'm not feeling depressed.
38.
This is the number of days between today and the day I step foot on a plane headed for my hometown in Canada. 38 Days until I see my friends and family for the first time in nearly a year, a good 15-20lbs heavier than I was back then. 38 Days until I call my biological father and make a date to meet up and go for dinner. To see him for the first time in eighteen years.
This is also my deadline. I have to restrict as hard as I possibly can to lose the maximum amount of weight possible. I have to try to make myself blog, even when I can't find it in me to care about myself enough to even wonder if anybody else cares enough to read the drivel I write here.
I can NOT go to Canada at my current weight. Were I to gain 7lbs I would be at the threshold at which I always told myself "if I ever reach this weight, I will kill myself."
The good point I suppose, if there IS any, is that today marks the first day (again) of the previously mentioned Milk And Yogurt diet, which is surgeon-approved, I might add. My aunt and I were talking this weekend and she said she was going to do it again and suggested I do it with her. I can't drink milk, it makes me physically sick, so I won't be drinking the 3 pints of milk. I will have the 2 fat-free yogurts a day, and maybe supplement with a slimfast (or half of one) if my aunt does wind up having a go that I'm not having anything else with the yogurt (she'll be getting additional "calories/nutrients" from the milk she's drinking all day every day).
The bad news is that it's my best friend S's 20th birthday this weekend and she's having a barbeque and copious amounts of alcohol. My only solace is that I tend to lose weight when I've had a lot to drink rather than gain. I know it's only water weight through dehydration from the alcohol, but it's better than nothing. But I'm not giving myself a free pass. I'm setting myself an 800 calorie limit for Saturday.
I feel so, so tired. In part because I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was stressing about work, then freaking myself out over nothing, then got a song stuck in my head that just wouldn't let my body shut down. Woke up this morning aching from head to toe like you do after a massive gym session - or when you're on Day Three of the worst flu of your life.
Also in part because I've eaten less than 200 calories today.
Small successes.
Baby steps.
38.
This is the number of days between today and the day I step foot on a plane headed for my hometown in Canada. 38 Days until I see my friends and family for the first time in nearly a year, a good 15-20lbs heavier than I was back then. 38 Days until I call my biological father and make a date to meet up and go for dinner. To see him for the first time in eighteen years.
This is also my deadline. I have to restrict as hard as I possibly can to lose the maximum amount of weight possible. I have to try to make myself blog, even when I can't find it in me to care about myself enough to even wonder if anybody else cares enough to read the drivel I write here.
I can NOT go to Canada at my current weight. Were I to gain 7lbs I would be at the threshold at which I always told myself "if I ever reach this weight, I will kill myself."
The good point I suppose, if there IS any, is that today marks the first day (again) of the previously mentioned Milk And Yogurt diet, which is surgeon-approved, I might add. My aunt and I were talking this weekend and she said she was going to do it again and suggested I do it with her. I can't drink milk, it makes me physically sick, so I won't be drinking the 3 pints of milk. I will have the 2 fat-free yogurts a day, and maybe supplement with a slimfast (or half of one) if my aunt does wind up having a go that I'm not having anything else with the yogurt (she'll be getting additional "calories/nutrients" from the milk she's drinking all day every day).
The bad news is that it's my best friend S's 20th birthday this weekend and she's having a barbeque and copious amounts of alcohol. My only solace is that I tend to lose weight when I've had a lot to drink rather than gain. I know it's only water weight through dehydration from the alcohol, but it's better than nothing. But I'm not giving myself a free pass. I'm setting myself an 800 calorie limit for Saturday.
I feel so, so tired. In part because I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was stressing about work, then freaking myself out over nothing, then got a song stuck in my head that just wouldn't let my body shut down. Woke up this morning aching from head to toe like you do after a massive gym session - or when you're on Day Three of the worst flu of your life.
Also in part because I've eaten less than 200 calories today.
Small successes.
Baby steps.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Bring on the Weekend!
Last night failed. I was so fucking exhausted that I burst into tears when my aunt slammed the bathroom door and woke me up for the third time. (We have very thin walls and the bathroom is attached to my room so, however loud the goddamn thing was at the old house, it’s exponentially worse here. And they both seem to have forgotten how to turn the handle to stop the click-bang-walltremble since we moved). I was so damned exhausted and every time I’d just dozed off they woke me up. Rage!
Anyway I finally managed to get to sleep and woke up feeling like a zombie. Saw some chick on the bus who DEEPLY OFFENDED ME. Hah, she had on this foundation that was at least 5 shades too dark for her and wasn’t blended at all and it looked like she’d smeared terra-cotta coloured mud all over her face. It caused me physical pain to look at.
Got into work 25 minutes late (luckily my manager didn’t care), but I have to stay an hour later than usual tonight. I hate Wednesdays, I always have to work an extra hour on Wednesday.
BUT on the upside, I managed to book tomorrow off work which means I now have a FIVE day weekend to look forward to. Which is a little bit epic. And even better, it means that to make up the hours I’m going to have to work through lunch four out of five days a week for the next several weeks, which means I’m free to sit at my desk and have nothing but my allocated yogurt – the girls I lunch with always make a huge deal about how little I’m eating, even though they’re all skinny bitches who can eat what they want yet still look like Ana’s dream (one in particular, who I kind of hate, but more because she’s irritating as hell than her magic metabolism).
Then, I got a call this morning from some company trying to trace a client’s pension, and nobody else she spoke to could find it and our tracing department were supposed to look into her but never called her back. So I Got her to fax me what limited details she had (a pension scheme reference that I don’t have access to and a letter we sent back in 2007 that had NO policy info on it). And I managed to find the team that deal with it and it is all good now, huzzah. So I’m feeling a little bit smug that my detective abilities have sorted this out.
It’s 11:30, which means I have another 5 and a half hours at work, but since I’ve got five days off to look forward to, it’s all good. Going food shopping tonight which means I can start this yogurt diet asap, and my aunts are going to the caravan tomorrow night until Monday, so I can eat (or rather, not eat) all I want – save for Sunday, since apparently my grandpa is picking me up and I’m going to theirs for a roast dinner. Luckily granny makes a LOAD of veggies so I’ll eat lots of them instead of the meat.
I had something I really wanted to write about, and lots more than this to say. But just as I started typing the first paragraph my phone rang and I had to deal with some woman who isn’t all that bright. So I can’t remember. More later if it comes back to me =]
Anyway I finally managed to get to sleep and woke up feeling like a zombie. Saw some chick on the bus who DEEPLY OFFENDED ME. Hah, she had on this foundation that was at least 5 shades too dark for her and wasn’t blended at all and it looked like she’d smeared terra-cotta coloured mud all over her face. It caused me physical pain to look at.
Got into work 25 minutes late (luckily my manager didn’t care), but I have to stay an hour later than usual tonight. I hate Wednesdays, I always have to work an extra hour on Wednesday.
BUT on the upside, I managed to book tomorrow off work which means I now have a FIVE day weekend to look forward to. Which is a little bit epic. And even better, it means that to make up the hours I’m going to have to work through lunch four out of five days a week for the next several weeks, which means I’m free to sit at my desk and have nothing but my allocated yogurt – the girls I lunch with always make a huge deal about how little I’m eating, even though they’re all skinny bitches who can eat what they want yet still look like Ana’s dream (one in particular, who I kind of hate, but more because she’s irritating as hell than her magic metabolism).
Then, I got a call this morning from some company trying to trace a client’s pension, and nobody else she spoke to could find it and our tracing department were supposed to look into her but never called her back. So I Got her to fax me what limited details she had (a pension scheme reference that I don’t have access to and a letter we sent back in 2007 that had NO policy info on it). And I managed to find the team that deal with it and it is all good now, huzzah. So I’m feeling a little bit smug that my detective abilities have sorted this out.
It’s 11:30, which means I have another 5 and a half hours at work, but since I’ve got five days off to look forward to, it’s all good. Going food shopping tonight which means I can start this yogurt diet asap, and my aunts are going to the caravan tomorrow night until Monday, so I can eat (or rather, not eat) all I want – save for Sunday, since apparently my grandpa is picking me up and I’m going to theirs for a roast dinner. Luckily granny makes a LOAD of veggies so I’ll eat lots of them instead of the meat.
I had something I really wanted to write about, and lots more than this to say. But just as I started typing the first paragraph my phone rang and I had to deal with some woman who isn’t all that bright. So I can’t remember. More later if it comes back to me =]
Monday, 29 March 2010
Manic!
Wow, sorry I haven't had the time to update my blog =/ I am still here, things have just been hectic and insane, and I'm feeling completely bipolar right now. I'm going straight from feeling deeply, horribly depressed, to feeling absolutely great. It's probably the lack of real food, since my descent into restriction has been going pretty well. I'm making a point of not weighing myself right now though, because I want to concentrate on restricting numbers and not scale numbers, lest I obsess to much and just depress myself even more.
But, there's a bit of a change of plan. My 40 day plan isn't going to be going ahead right now, I'm changing it up instead. My aunt is, once again, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, but on the weekend she mentioned that she's going to do the milk-and-yogurt diet that she did presurgery to see if she can lose some damn weight. So I said, I'd do it with her, but supplement a Slimfast shake in, since I physically cannot stomach drinking milk, and she was completely fine with it.
The actual diet calls for 2 fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk a day, and nothing else aside from whatever sugarfree beverages you want - ie: water and diet pop and not much else. So to begin with I said I'd do it with 2 yogurts and 3 Slim-fast shakes (I had no intention of actually having 3 shakes in a day, but have to "keep up appearances") and my aunt actually said "I don't think you even need three, one or two is fine). So, okay. I'm in.
Essentially, this means that the calories will be around 500 ish a day, and there will be NO solid food involved. The diet is to last ten days, at which point I'm going to try to get in a "fast" day (with the ever watchful women in the house, this seems harder and harder, so I'm looking forward to their two weeks away in May), and then I'll decide what to do from there. I still want to do 2468, but I might see if I can get away with doing the 10 day milk-yogurt diet again without drawing TOO much suspicion. I mean hey, her surgeon even said "normal people" - those who aren't undergoing weight loss surgery - can do the diet for the results. So I mean, a doctor has basically said it's totally fine and even healthy to do this. Which makes it seem bizarre, like it's cheating, even though at 500 calories a day, it is still classified as a Starvation Diet. And one without any solid food at all.
I know, I keep changing my plan, but with my family being so effing watchful I have to be careful and do what I can. At least with this diet my aunt seems totally down for me doing it with her, so it's a step. I just need to go shopping tonight or tomorrow for supplies. Until I get a stock of yogurts and SlimFast drinks, I'm going to be on low-calorie soups for all of my meals. 10 calorie soup for lunch. 100 calorie cup soup for dinner.
I find it retarded though, that if I were to have cup soups or something I'd get told I'm not eating enough, yet it's perfectly fine to have a SlimFast and two yogurts and nothing else.
Whatever. More later, I need to tell you about my night out on Friday. I thought it was gonna suck but it was awesome in the end, which is probably why I've been in such a great, upbeat mood all weekend. =]
Stay beautiful my lovelies!
Vee xox
But, there's a bit of a change of plan. My 40 day plan isn't going to be going ahead right now, I'm changing it up instead. My aunt is, once again, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, but on the weekend she mentioned that she's going to do the milk-and-yogurt diet that she did presurgery to see if she can lose some damn weight. So I said, I'd do it with her, but supplement a Slimfast shake in, since I physically cannot stomach drinking milk, and she was completely fine with it.
The actual diet calls for 2 fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk a day, and nothing else aside from whatever sugarfree beverages you want - ie: water and diet pop and not much else. So to begin with I said I'd do it with 2 yogurts and 3 Slim-fast shakes (I had no intention of actually having 3 shakes in a day, but have to "keep up appearances") and my aunt actually said "I don't think you even need three, one or two is fine). So, okay. I'm in.
Essentially, this means that the calories will be around 500 ish a day, and there will be NO solid food involved. The diet is to last ten days, at which point I'm going to try to get in a "fast" day (with the ever watchful women in the house, this seems harder and harder, so I'm looking forward to their two weeks away in May), and then I'll decide what to do from there. I still want to do 2468, but I might see if I can get away with doing the 10 day milk-yogurt diet again without drawing TOO much suspicion. I mean hey, her surgeon even said "normal people" - those who aren't undergoing weight loss surgery - can do the diet for the results. So I mean, a doctor has basically said it's totally fine and even healthy to do this. Which makes it seem bizarre, like it's cheating, even though at 500 calories a day, it is still classified as a Starvation Diet. And one without any solid food at all.
I know, I keep changing my plan, but with my family being so effing watchful I have to be careful and do what I can. At least with this diet my aunt seems totally down for me doing it with her, so it's a step. I just need to go shopping tonight or tomorrow for supplies. Until I get a stock of yogurts and SlimFast drinks, I'm going to be on low-calorie soups for all of my meals. 10 calorie soup for lunch. 100 calorie cup soup for dinner.
I find it retarded though, that if I were to have cup soups or something I'd get told I'm not eating enough, yet it's perfectly fine to have a SlimFast and two yogurts and nothing else.
Whatever. More later, I need to tell you about my night out on Friday. I thought it was gonna suck but it was awesome in the end, which is probably why I've been in such a great, upbeat mood all weekend. =]
Stay beautiful my lovelies!
Vee xox
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Explanation?
After the string of previous posts on here, I’m pretty sure none of this is going to come as a surprise to you, and you’ve probably already guessed, but the whole reason I was away for so long was because of how depressed I was.
Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.
Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.
I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.
So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.
But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.
That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.
What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.
Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.
So here I am.
Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.
I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.
This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.
And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.
I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.
Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.
Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.
Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.
I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.
So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.
But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.
That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.
What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.
Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.
So here I am.
Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.
I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.
This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.
And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.
I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.
Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.
Monday, 4 January 2010
Commentorizing / Update
Phantasmagorical Delusion: (Holy crap I love your username!) I love them too =] So tasty and sweet and like you said, totally guilt-free. I haven’t had them in ages though since I kept forgetting to buy Splenda (I don’t use sugar in anything else at home). I’ve never tried them microwaved though! I didn’t bring the apple to work this morning since I was running late and it was icy as hell outside, so I might try it for dessert when I get home tonight. I’m looking forward to trying it now lol.. Being positive is hella hard, but I keep telling myself that negativity isn’t going to get me anywhere faster so I might as well try to be a little bit more upbeat. But then, pretending to be happier and more upbeat than I am sometimes bites me in the ass (I’m pretty sure my new manager thinks I love it here, since I’m not bitching all the time and am trying to be nice instead of complaining about how miserable I am every 5 minutes)… Also, I’ve followed your blog now =]
Dot: Yay, you sorted out your comments box <3 I’ll read your blog properly tonight. The background isn’t that bad now either, so ignore my bitching before, lol. I can read it fine today for some reason, must’ve been tired eyes yesterday. Haha, Genki <3 I’m trying anyway! The thumb is mostly ok now thanks, although it feels like I have reptile scales on it instead of my usually fairly-soft skin ^.^
Hanz: That’s a really good idea. Actually, I told myself ages ago that I was going to do just that, save money that otherwise would have been spent on bingeing or food, but never got around to it (I’m really bad for planning and never following through =/). But I think I might make a point of starting putting the money aside. Next time my aunts ask if I want to order pizza, I’ll put £15 aside lol.
Ana’s Girl: I agree, I’m the same way. I always comment on blogs and then either forget I’ve commented or just forget to check back to see if there are replies. I do it all the time lol.
Also, I’ve done so well today so far. It’s 2:15 in the afternoon and I’ve had 0 calories. I forgot my apple this morning because I was running late and didn’t get a chance to enter the kitchen before I left for work. Then figured I might as well skip the 10kcal soup for lunch. I’m just having one of those days where I’m not in the MOOD for food. Thank god, I need a no/little food day!
So tiredddd, but I need to get back to work so I’ll write more later when I’m at home =]
Dot: Yay, you sorted out your comments box <3 I’ll read your blog properly tonight. The background isn’t that bad now either, so ignore my bitching before, lol. I can read it fine today for some reason, must’ve been tired eyes yesterday. Haha, Genki <3 I’m trying anyway! The thumb is mostly ok now thanks, although it feels like I have reptile scales on it instead of my usually fairly-soft skin ^.^
Hanz: That’s a really good idea. Actually, I told myself ages ago that I was going to do just that, save money that otherwise would have been spent on bingeing or food, but never got around to it (I’m really bad for planning and never following through =/). But I think I might make a point of starting putting the money aside. Next time my aunts ask if I want to order pizza, I’ll put £15 aside lol.
Ana’s Girl: I agree, I’m the same way. I always comment on blogs and then either forget I’ve commented or just forget to check back to see if there are replies. I do it all the time lol.
Also, I’ve done so well today so far. It’s 2:15 in the afternoon and I’ve had 0 calories. I forgot my apple this morning because I was running late and didn’t get a chance to enter the kitchen before I left for work. Then figured I might as well skip the 10kcal soup for lunch. I’m just having one of those days where I’m not in the MOOD for food. Thank god, I need a no/little food day!
So tiredddd, but I need to get back to work so I’ll write more later when I’m at home =]
Friday, 18 December 2009
Viva La Mexico
Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.
But anyway. Here's my vast update.
Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.
Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.
When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.
That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.
Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.
I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.
I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.
It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.
So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.
God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.
I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.
Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.
Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.
Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!
Vee xoxoxox
But anyway. Here's my vast update.
Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.
Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.
When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.
That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.
Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.
I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.
I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.
It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.
So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.
God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.
I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.
Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.
Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.
Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!
Vee xoxoxox
Monday, 26 October 2009
Kore wa dame desu
Translation: This is bad. (yes it's pretty lame but it's the first Japanese sentence I've managed to put together on my own that wasn't found or taught as a generic "helpful phrase.")
But yeah. I'll update you more tomorrow but right now I'm still in a state of disbelief over the bullshit of last night. My brain is full of all manner of whatthefuckery.
Hope you're all doing well.
V
But yeah. I'll update you more tomorrow but right now I'm still in a state of disbelief over the bullshit of last night. My brain is full of all manner of whatthefuckery.
Hope you're all doing well.
V
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Yay!
Whoo! Down 1.5 for the week. Yeah, it's not a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction right?
Hope you're all having a nice weekend. Today was a fabulous day in spite of the rain and the lunch with S. I'm in such a good mood =]
Going for dinner at my granny' house tomorrow. The upside is that she usually makes like 4 different veggies so I can get away with eating a ton of brussel sprouts and broccoli and like one slice of meat. So it shouldn't be too bad. She's stopped serving dessert since my aunts had surgery too which is a total bonus.
Totally going to enjoy the extra hour in bed thanks to the time change tonight too. I was so tired this morning I did not want to get out of bed, even though I went to bed at midnight last night and didn't set my alarm to go off until 10 this morning. I've been more ridiculously tired than usual this week though (hell last Sunday night I got less than 3 hours of sleep) so I think I definitely needed to catch up. When it went off this morning though my first reaction was "...REALLY!?" and I thought I'd set it for work time (6:30/7am) by mistake.
Ugh. Going to go find something to do, I'm bored out of my damn mind!
Love ya!
Vee
Hope you're all having a nice weekend. Today was a fabulous day in spite of the rain and the lunch with S. I'm in such a good mood =]
Going for dinner at my granny' house tomorrow. The upside is that she usually makes like 4 different veggies so I can get away with eating a ton of brussel sprouts and broccoli and like one slice of meat. So it shouldn't be too bad. She's stopped serving dessert since my aunts had surgery too which is a total bonus.
Totally going to enjoy the extra hour in bed thanks to the time change tonight too. I was so tired this morning I did not want to get out of bed, even though I went to bed at midnight last night and didn't set my alarm to go off until 10 this morning. I've been more ridiculously tired than usual this week though (hell last Sunday night I got less than 3 hours of sleep) so I think I definitely needed to catch up. When it went off this morning though my first reaction was "...REALLY!?" and I thought I'd set it for work time (6:30/7am) by mistake.
Ugh. Going to go find something to do, I'm bored out of my damn mind!
Love ya!
Vee
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Update, Drama, Depression, and Plans
Quick update.
I’m hoping to get back into the swing of my daily or more-than-five-times-a-day updates. My internet at home isn’t entirely sorted out but it seems to be working better on my desktop now than it has been on my laptop. This is what I get for getting a Dell, if it keeps it up I’m going to have to complain =/ Sigh.
Anyway. I haven’t been doing fabulous but I haven’t been doing shit either. I’ve been maintaining – which, let’s be honest, is not really good enough is it?
We’ve been having a notgreat time lately and I’ve been stress eating. Even while I recognize the fact that I’m doing it, it’s been hard to stop. Luckily, it hasn’t been to bingey proportions, so my weight is stable, even though I’m still pretty close to where I was when I came back from Canada. I’m going to TRY to just do a weekly weigh in to help calm my stress levels (we all know how those levels jump sky high once you see a higher number on the scale) and seeing weekly decreases might be more motivating than the ups-and-downs that occur from day to day. We’ll see.
So.. yeah. There’s been drama back in Canada, although not to the extent that it usually is. Drama here has been insane. My aunt went back to work a couple of weeks ago, following her surgery recovery time off. I’m sure I’ve written before about this, but for those who don’t know, my aunt suffers from very severe depression, and her psychologist thinks she’s bipolar as well. Because of the way the NHS works with mental illnesses over here though, means that because she was diagnosed and treated as Borderline Personality Disorder back when she was in her teens in Canada, the doctors here have latched onto that label and are basically turning a blind eye to anything else. So instead of being treated specifically for bipolar disorder, they’re still acting under the assumption she’s Borderline, which may not actually be the case.
She was going through a better period after her surgery, she was all around acting happier and seemed to be on the rise. However, after going back to work her mood has plummeted. There have been some major changes in the structure of the area she works in (she’s a manager in a unit that is home to adults with learning disabilities, and works for the NHS/City Council), and since she went back to work it’s been non-stop stress. Although she was told that they wanted her to go back to work on a phased return (which means starting work at only 4 hours or less per day and working back up to full time), they immediately threw her in and she’s been working an hour or so extra every day. In fact her first day back she got a text saying one of her staff members wanted to talk to her and she had to stay for half an hour to listen to this staff member bitch at her. Nice way to say welcome back no?
So she’s been going downhill and hasn’t been dealing great. Then about a week and a half ago, we found out my grandparents (her parents, obviously) were fighting. It was a huge exorbitant battle in which both parties were threatening to leave, and both parties were constantly calling my aunt to bitch about the other. And then the fight stopped being about what their actual issues were, and became about my aunt. My granny dragged my aunt into things and that just set her off worse. I haven’t seen my aunt cry in a LONG time, but my grandmother made her.
Then the icing on the cake was this past Sunday, when my great-aunt (the one who has uncurable blood cancer) held her little family get together. Both of my grandparents were there and acting as if nothing had happened. My aunt and I spoke to my grandfather and he said granny’s been acting absolutely fine with him again now and the whole thing had blown over. My grandmother is of the belief that she is the warm, happy centre of the universe. So, because she’d let it go, everyone else must as well and be happy happy happy again. My aunt, however, is pissed off at the way granny behaved with her and dragged her into their battles when she had more than enough of her own shit going on. But of course, my grandmother never ever thinks to apologise to somebody else, so there’s still tension there.
And of course it was fucking depressing being there on Sunday and seeing my great-aunt and how she’s gone downhill. I have no idea how long she’s got left, except that she’s still having blood transfusions and the doctors had said she should be gone within six months of them stopping. When they stop, I have no clue.
I’ve been depressed as well, but I’ve been hiding it well. For the first time since I moved here I’ve been questioning whether I made the right decision. My trip to Canada was fabulous and a lot more awesome than I was expecting it to be, and I didn’t want to come home yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come home at all. And now that I’m here, it’s just the same old crap day and day out. But I know that if I’d stayed in Canada, I’d be tearing my hair out after an extra week or two, and that living here IS for the best. It just strongly affected me hanging out with my best girlfriend and my best guyfriend and his family. I didn’t want it to end. But right now, I couldn’t live there, not when it means having to deal with all the bullshit and drama constantly going on with my immediate family. I just could not do it. I am, however, going to make a more conscious effort to go out there once a year to see everyone and keep my ties strong.
Life isn’t all bad. I complain about work a lot but I realize I should be thankful. They pay me decently and for the most part my job is easy. But there are times when it’s super busy or I get something really complicated and shitty that I have to sort out, that I hate it. But at least I’ve got a job and I don’t have to work in fast food for minimum wage, right?
I don’t know. I’m trying very hard to see the positive side of things right now, although I readily admit that I often fail at this. Deep down, I’m just not a very optimistic and positive person.
This quick update turned into quite a ramble hm?
Anyway. The plan for this week is as follows:
Eat as little as possible.
That’s it, haha.
Today I’m skipping lunch and having something not too calorific for dinner. Tomorrow no lunch again and we’re going to the cinema tomorrow night so I can probably get away with a small bag of popcorn and nothing else (the last time I had just a little popcorn to eat I dropped a pound and a half, but it was probably a fluke). Saturday I’m going out with S for lunch and a catch up. We’re supposed to be going to an Italian restaurant which probably means pasta, but I’ll go for something with seafood or veggies and not finish it. And then of course, nothing at night at home. Sunday I’m planning on doing as little as possible, just sleeping in and hanging out (I’ve been busy every weekend since I got back from Canada so it’ll be nice to have some downtime) and will keep the calories low. I’m not sure yet whether we’re supposed to be having a family dinner on Sunday, but since it’s the weekend before payday I’m assuming not. I’ve still got some 220-cal meals in the freezer, so it should all be good.
Whoo. Back to business babes.
I missed you!
I’m hoping to get back into the swing of my daily or more-than-five-times-a-day updates. My internet at home isn’t entirely sorted out but it seems to be working better on my desktop now than it has been on my laptop. This is what I get for getting a Dell, if it keeps it up I’m going to have to complain =/ Sigh.
Anyway. I haven’t been doing fabulous but I haven’t been doing shit either. I’ve been maintaining – which, let’s be honest, is not really good enough is it?
We’ve been having a notgreat time lately and I’ve been stress eating. Even while I recognize the fact that I’m doing it, it’s been hard to stop. Luckily, it hasn’t been to bingey proportions, so my weight is stable, even though I’m still pretty close to where I was when I came back from Canada. I’m going to TRY to just do a weekly weigh in to help calm my stress levels (we all know how those levels jump sky high once you see a higher number on the scale) and seeing weekly decreases might be more motivating than the ups-and-downs that occur from day to day. We’ll see.
So.. yeah. There’s been drama back in Canada, although not to the extent that it usually is. Drama here has been insane. My aunt went back to work a couple of weeks ago, following her surgery recovery time off. I’m sure I’ve written before about this, but for those who don’t know, my aunt suffers from very severe depression, and her psychologist thinks she’s bipolar as well. Because of the way the NHS works with mental illnesses over here though, means that because she was diagnosed and treated as Borderline Personality Disorder back when she was in her teens in Canada, the doctors here have latched onto that label and are basically turning a blind eye to anything else. So instead of being treated specifically for bipolar disorder, they’re still acting under the assumption she’s Borderline, which may not actually be the case.
She was going through a better period after her surgery, she was all around acting happier and seemed to be on the rise. However, after going back to work her mood has plummeted. There have been some major changes in the structure of the area she works in (she’s a manager in a unit that is home to adults with learning disabilities, and works for the NHS/City Council), and since she went back to work it’s been non-stop stress. Although she was told that they wanted her to go back to work on a phased return (which means starting work at only 4 hours or less per day and working back up to full time), they immediately threw her in and she’s been working an hour or so extra every day. In fact her first day back she got a text saying one of her staff members wanted to talk to her and she had to stay for half an hour to listen to this staff member bitch at her. Nice way to say welcome back no?
So she’s been going downhill and hasn’t been dealing great. Then about a week and a half ago, we found out my grandparents (her parents, obviously) were fighting. It was a huge exorbitant battle in which both parties were threatening to leave, and both parties were constantly calling my aunt to bitch about the other. And then the fight stopped being about what their actual issues were, and became about my aunt. My granny dragged my aunt into things and that just set her off worse. I haven’t seen my aunt cry in a LONG time, but my grandmother made her.
Then the icing on the cake was this past Sunday, when my great-aunt (the one who has uncurable blood cancer) held her little family get together. Both of my grandparents were there and acting as if nothing had happened. My aunt and I spoke to my grandfather and he said granny’s been acting absolutely fine with him again now and the whole thing had blown over. My grandmother is of the belief that she is the warm, happy centre of the universe. So, because she’d let it go, everyone else must as well and be happy happy happy again. My aunt, however, is pissed off at the way granny behaved with her and dragged her into their battles when she had more than enough of her own shit going on. But of course, my grandmother never ever thinks to apologise to somebody else, so there’s still tension there.
And of course it was fucking depressing being there on Sunday and seeing my great-aunt and how she’s gone downhill. I have no idea how long she’s got left, except that she’s still having blood transfusions and the doctors had said she should be gone within six months of them stopping. When they stop, I have no clue.
I’ve been depressed as well, but I’ve been hiding it well. For the first time since I moved here I’ve been questioning whether I made the right decision. My trip to Canada was fabulous and a lot more awesome than I was expecting it to be, and I didn’t want to come home yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come home at all. And now that I’m here, it’s just the same old crap day and day out. But I know that if I’d stayed in Canada, I’d be tearing my hair out after an extra week or two, and that living here IS for the best. It just strongly affected me hanging out with my best girlfriend and my best guyfriend and his family. I didn’t want it to end. But right now, I couldn’t live there, not when it means having to deal with all the bullshit and drama constantly going on with my immediate family. I just could not do it. I am, however, going to make a more conscious effort to go out there once a year to see everyone and keep my ties strong.
Life isn’t all bad. I complain about work a lot but I realize I should be thankful. They pay me decently and for the most part my job is easy. But there are times when it’s super busy or I get something really complicated and shitty that I have to sort out, that I hate it. But at least I’ve got a job and I don’t have to work in fast food for minimum wage, right?
I don’t know. I’m trying very hard to see the positive side of things right now, although I readily admit that I often fail at this. Deep down, I’m just not a very optimistic and positive person.
This quick update turned into quite a ramble hm?
Anyway. The plan for this week is as follows:
Eat as little as possible.
That’s it, haha.
Today I’m skipping lunch and having something not too calorific for dinner. Tomorrow no lunch again and we’re going to the cinema tomorrow night so I can probably get away with a small bag of popcorn and nothing else (the last time I had just a little popcorn to eat I dropped a pound and a half, but it was probably a fluke). Saturday I’m going out with S for lunch and a catch up. We’re supposed to be going to an Italian restaurant which probably means pasta, but I’ll go for something with seafood or veggies and not finish it. And then of course, nothing at night at home. Sunday I’m planning on doing as little as possible, just sleeping in and hanging out (I’ve been busy every weekend since I got back from Canada so it’ll be nice to have some downtime) and will keep the calories low. I’m not sure yet whether we’re supposed to be having a family dinner on Sunday, but since it’s the weekend before payday I’m assuming not. I’ve still got some 220-cal meals in the freezer, so it should all be good.
Whoo. Back to business babes.
I missed you!
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Internet Fail
Just posting so you guys know I'm still alive!
I'm having MAJOR internet issues right now though. To the point where, our internet usually goes down COMPLETELY by 8pm each night. I'm getting so fed up! Agh.
But I am here and I will post when I can.. but for now I want to get this up before I lose my connection AGAIN =/
I'm having MAJOR internet issues right now though. To the point where, our internet usually goes down COMPLETELY by 8pm each night. I'm getting so fed up! Agh.
But I am here and I will post when I can.. but for now I want to get this up before I lose my connection AGAIN =/
Monday, 21 September 2009
Monster Update
Hey again everyone!
Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.
First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.
My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.
I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.
So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.
Lulz.
The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!
Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:
· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!
My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!
It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.
The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!
Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!
As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).
Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.
Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!
Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.
First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.
My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.
I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.
So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.
Lulz.
The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!
Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:
· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!
My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!
It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.
The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!
Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!
As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).
Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.
Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Back!
I'll write about Calgary when I get some more time, I'm still really jet-lagged right now...
As for weight... not as bad as I was expecting. As of today, I'm only up 5.8 since the day before I left, which is remarkable since every day was basically a binge day while I was away (my mom and my friends' families insisting on feeding me and taking me out for dinner and lunches constantly).
It was higher yesterday but I'm down 2 as of today, although I think part of it is food weight. Since I've been really jetlagged I've spent the past two days mostly in bed, and have only had a couple pieces of toast and a 220 cal frozen dinner each day. The best part is that since I've been in bed all day and dozing for most of it, I haven't even been hungry, which rocks out loud.
Back to work tomorrow, although I think I'm going to be a zombie. I slept from 1 until 8 this afternoon which means I'll probably be up all night again like I was last night. Sigh. Two working days until the weekend.
Sigh. I kind of miss it. I wasn't expecting to... I didn't last time I went there. =/
As for weight... not as bad as I was expecting. As of today, I'm only up 5.8 since the day before I left, which is remarkable since every day was basically a binge day while I was away (my mom and my friends' families insisting on feeding me and taking me out for dinner and lunches constantly).
It was higher yesterday but I'm down 2 as of today, although I think part of it is food weight. Since I've been really jetlagged I've spent the past two days mostly in bed, and have only had a couple pieces of toast and a 220 cal frozen dinner each day. The best part is that since I've been in bed all day and dozing for most of it, I haven't even been hungry, which rocks out loud.
Back to work tomorrow, although I think I'm going to be a zombie. I slept from 1 until 8 this afternoon which means I'll probably be up all night again like I was last night. Sigh. Two working days until the weekend.
Sigh. I kind of miss it. I wasn't expecting to... I didn't last time I went there. =/
Friday, 21 August 2009
That's more like it!
I've been super good tonight. I was tempted at one point but I trudged ahead and had nothing, so the two nibbles at work is all I ate today at all!
And my aunt wasn't on food nazi mode tonight. Instead they were on "bitch about me behind my back when they think I can't hear them" mode. Yeah. It pisses me off because the shit they were bitching about was wrong too.
I heard my aunt downstairs say "whose dishes are those?" and I remembered that my two plates from last night I put in the sink in the water with some of their dishes, went upstairs to do something, and forgot to go back downstairs to wash them. So yeah, that was my bad. Excepy, J turns about and says "They're ALL Vee's from last night." which is bullshit. Bull. Shit. Then I hear my aunt claim that she did dishes already last night and today and why is there my stuff just sitting in the sink. Then I hear them bitching that if "people" are going to eat upstairs the dishes must come down right after, and not be left in there.
Fine. BUT I DID NOT LEAVE MY SHIT UPSTAIRS and it's completely bullshit that my aunt claims to have done dishes today when the large plate and small plate I put in the sink LAST NIGHT are there now?
Then she started bitching because she "wouldn't mind if there was something of HERS there but why should she do it when it's not hers?" and I was thinking dude, what the fuck. I do her dishes all the fucking time. The other night when I decided to have pasta for dinner and The Migraine started, I had to come in, wash dishes and put them away, and even throw out rotting banana skins on the counter next to the stove. So why the fuck is it okay one way but not another?
I'm getting so sick of the god damn double standards here. When I get back from my holidays and pay them off I need to start saving to get the fuck out.
So that all left me feeling pissed off. I was up in my room laying down because I was still in agony and felt sick, and I didn't want to go downstairs to call them on their BS because I don't like confrontation. But I wanted to cry. And it's not the first time (I've mentioned in here before how they both were talking about having to cook group meals, and at the time they were bitching about other stuff, and how they were allocating me certain days in which I can do my laundry instead of hey, I can do it when I need to et al.)
But I'm trying to be positive. I just went for a shower and before I got in I weighed myself, and it read an even 204lbs. Which is MUCH more like the 206 that was on there this morning what the hell.
Of course it probably helps that I've had maybe 200 calories today. But, that's good becase hopefully I'll be down at least a little bit more before I have to go for sushi tomorrow. =]
And my aunt wasn't on food nazi mode tonight. Instead they were on "bitch about me behind my back when they think I can't hear them" mode. Yeah. It pisses me off because the shit they were bitching about was wrong too.
I heard my aunt downstairs say "whose dishes are those?" and I remembered that my two plates from last night I put in the sink in the water with some of their dishes, went upstairs to do something, and forgot to go back downstairs to wash them. So yeah, that was my bad. Excepy, J turns about and says "They're ALL Vee's from last night." which is bullshit. Bull. Shit. Then I hear my aunt claim that she did dishes already last night and today and why is there my stuff just sitting in the sink. Then I hear them bitching that if "people" are going to eat upstairs the dishes must come down right after, and not be left in there.
Fine. BUT I DID NOT LEAVE MY SHIT UPSTAIRS and it's completely bullshit that my aunt claims to have done dishes today when the large plate and small plate I put in the sink LAST NIGHT are there now?
Then she started bitching because she "wouldn't mind if there was something of HERS there but why should she do it when it's not hers?" and I was thinking dude, what the fuck. I do her dishes all the fucking time. The other night when I decided to have pasta for dinner and The Migraine started, I had to come in, wash dishes and put them away, and even throw out rotting banana skins on the counter next to the stove. So why the fuck is it okay one way but not another?
I'm getting so sick of the god damn double standards here. When I get back from my holidays and pay them off I need to start saving to get the fuck out.
So that all left me feeling pissed off. I was up in my room laying down because I was still in agony and felt sick, and I didn't want to go downstairs to call them on their BS because I don't like confrontation. But I wanted to cry. And it's not the first time (I've mentioned in here before how they both were talking about having to cook group meals, and at the time they were bitching about other stuff, and how they were allocating me certain days in which I can do my laundry instead of hey, I can do it when I need to et al.)
But I'm trying to be positive. I just went for a shower and before I got in I weighed myself, and it read an even 204lbs. Which is MUCH more like the 206 that was on there this morning what the hell.
Of course it probably helps that I've had maybe 200 calories today. But, that's good becase hopefully I'll be down at least a little bit more before I have to go for sushi tomorrow. =]
Oh GOD Make it stop
Seriously, my abdomen/general stomach area hurts so much right now. What is going on? I feel like my insides are trying to explode out.
Also, to address a comment from Pi (HI by the way =]), I don't *think* it's PMS related. Although I never know anymore.
Too much info warning =]
See, I don't get periods. It's not ED-related or anything, it's just because of the birth control pill I'm on (I mean, as of today I haven't had sex in NINETEEN MONTHS, I shit you not, but I still take the pill a: just in case and b: no periods!). But, I think I still get the bloating and the random water weight gain and the hormonal emotional basketcaseism.
The thing is, because I haven't had a period since October 2006 (and I use the term period in that instance VERY loosely), I have no idea when my usual cycle would be. Over the past three years I've completely lost track, even though my cycle used to be exactly 4 weeks, like clockwork. So, emotional craziness and bloating and weight gain is entirely random, and I never quite know if it's due to my cycle or just because I'm a psycho.
This pain isn't cramps though. Honestly, and this is gross, but I think it's mostly down to constipation and severe wind all up in there and grumbling around. I wish I could just poke myself with a pin and deflate (and then be skinny and gorgeous forever, Amen).
I'm rambling as usual =]
Bleh, I feel like shit. It's abating VERY slightly right now but about an hour or so ago it felt like I was dying. Like that scene from Alien when the thing RIPS out of the dude's stomach. That's me, only about ten minutes earlier.
Food wise it's gone okay. I'm being strong strong strong! One of the temps in my team is leaving on Monday to go work in our call centre in a permanent position, and since it's her last day she brought in some nibbles (read: sweet things) and all I had was a mini-muffin and some manner of tiny cake thing. Total couldn't be more than 200 calories, if that. Yay!
It helps that my bloatey horribleness is making me wary of consuming anything at all for fear of making it worse. AND, if it keeps up (or, to be fair, even if it doesn't) I have an excuse to shower, straighten my hair, and go to bed without having to eat anything when I get home, even if my aunt is in foodnazi mode =]
Seven days til I go to Canada too, I'm starting to get excited now ^-^
Also, to address a comment from Pi (HI by the way =]), I don't *think* it's PMS related. Although I never know anymore.
Too much info warning =]
See, I don't get periods. It's not ED-related or anything, it's just because of the birth control pill I'm on (I mean, as of today I haven't had sex in NINETEEN MONTHS, I shit you not, but I still take the pill a: just in case and b: no periods!). But, I think I still get the bloating and the random water weight gain and the hormonal emotional basketcaseism.
The thing is, because I haven't had a period since October 2006 (and I use the term period in that instance VERY loosely), I have no idea when my usual cycle would be. Over the past three years I've completely lost track, even though my cycle used to be exactly 4 weeks, like clockwork. So, emotional craziness and bloating and weight gain is entirely random, and I never quite know if it's due to my cycle or just because I'm a psycho.
This pain isn't cramps though. Honestly, and this is gross, but I think it's mostly down to constipation and severe wind all up in there and grumbling around. I wish I could just poke myself with a pin and deflate (and then be skinny and gorgeous forever, Amen).
I'm rambling as usual =]
Bleh, I feel like shit. It's abating VERY slightly right now but about an hour or so ago it felt like I was dying. Like that scene from Alien when the thing RIPS out of the dude's stomach. That's me, only about ten minutes earlier.
Food wise it's gone okay. I'm being strong strong strong! One of the temps in my team is leaving on Monday to go work in our call centre in a permanent position, and since it's her last day she brought in some nibbles (read: sweet things) and all I had was a mini-muffin and some manner of tiny cake thing. Total couldn't be more than 200 calories, if that. Yay!
It helps that my bloatey horribleness is making me wary of consuming anything at all for fear of making it worse. AND, if it keeps up (or, to be fair, even if it doesn't) I have an excuse to shower, straighten my hair, and go to bed without having to eat anything when I get home, even if my aunt is in foodnazi mode =]
Seven days til I go to Canada too, I'm starting to get excited now ^-^
That Bloated Feeling
Bleh. Today, I'm in a pretty good mood, but unfortunately I feel physically shit.
Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).
But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!
But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.
Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.
Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.
Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]
Hope you're all having a good day!
Stay strong,
Vee xox
Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).
But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!
But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.
Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.
Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.
Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]
Hope you're all having a good day!
Stay strong,
Vee xox
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Sidebar Update
I've added a nifty Cast of Characters, to keep everyone straight. Probably more helpful to new followers of my blog, since I explained in older posts who everyone is when I mentioned them already. Also, because there are a couple people with the same letter pseudonym (three M's!) I might have gotten a couple backwards before, but this is the order they will all be in from now on. I think S2 used to just be S but since the "new" S is one of my BFFs and I talk about her more, she got to take it over. ^.^
42 Hours
That's how long my fast lasted in total. I had to break at lunch because I was feeling really horrible and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing at all. I got the lasagne from the canteen, but there was barely any cheese so it was mostly just some overcooked pasta with meat and some tomato sauce, so I don't think it was near as bad as it could have been, and the portion wasn't big either. Still, I'm going to err on the side of overestimation so I'm going to say maybe it was 400 cals.
Hopefully I'll be able to get away with just having that today, but my aunts are unpredictable. Sometimes they don't notice or say a thing about how I'm eating, other times my aunt practically interrogates me and demands to know EXACTLY what I'd eaten. So, if she does, to get her off my back I might make some rice, have a couple bites for show, and throw the rest away or something. I'm racking my brain trying to think of what I have at home that's low cal enough to keep me under 500 for the day, but I'm struggling.
I have some cans of tuna (no idea), some ramen noodles (400cals per pack), some Weight Watcher's brand frozen meals (ranging in calories from 250 to about 400, not good enough).. Oh! I have some low-calorie cans of soup I think, so I COULD have half a can of soup, and it should be between 100 and 150 cals? Ideally I'll be able to get away with a 10-calorie soup and nothing else, but my aunt's wise to the fact that they're super low-cal and will likely hassle me to have something else with it. Unless I go upstairs with a box of ritz crackers and tell her I'm having them with it. Or take the crackers upstairs with a jar of peanut butter and throw them both out after claiming they're empty?
Hmm. I dunno, I'll see when I get home and can test the waters. It might just be a case of, she's not in interrogation mode, so I might be able to get away with it.
Also, I have to say that, after being completely empty for over 40 hours, I'm not liking the feeling of having so much food in my stomach at all.
Hah, I just had to wander off for ten minutes because I saw LW coming back from lunch and didn't want to be collared for another hour of being-talked-at, and now I forgot what I was going to write about. So I'll leave it there.
And good luck to everyone who is getting their results today!
xx
Hopefully I'll be able to get away with just having that today, but my aunts are unpredictable. Sometimes they don't notice or say a thing about how I'm eating, other times my aunt practically interrogates me and demands to know EXACTLY what I'd eaten. So, if she does, to get her off my back I might make some rice, have a couple bites for show, and throw the rest away or something. I'm racking my brain trying to think of what I have at home that's low cal enough to keep me under 500 for the day, but I'm struggling.
I have some cans of tuna (no idea), some ramen noodles (400cals per pack), some Weight Watcher's brand frozen meals (ranging in calories from 250 to about 400, not good enough).. Oh! I have some low-calorie cans of soup I think, so I COULD have half a can of soup, and it should be between 100 and 150 cals? Ideally I'll be able to get away with a 10-calorie soup and nothing else, but my aunt's wise to the fact that they're super low-cal and will likely hassle me to have something else with it. Unless I go upstairs with a box of ritz crackers and tell her I'm having them with it. Or take the crackers upstairs with a jar of peanut butter and throw them both out after claiming they're empty?
Hmm. I dunno, I'll see when I get home and can test the waters. It might just be a case of, she's not in interrogation mode, so I might be able to get away with it.
Also, I have to say that, after being completely empty for over 40 hours, I'm not liking the feeling of having so much food in my stomach at all.
Hah, I just had to wander off for ten minutes because I saw LW coming back from lunch and didn't want to be collared for another hour of being-talked-at, and now I forgot what I was going to write about. So I'll leave it there.
And good luck to everyone who is getting their results today!
xx
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
24 Hours
As of right now it's been 24 hours since I last ate. I'm going to keep going until tomorrow, unsure whether I'll go until noon or 6pm, but we'll see. I'm aiming for 6 so it'll be a full 48 hours, though.
Yay! =]
Update: according to my scale I've lost 0.4lbs so far today, and I'm usually a couple pounds higher at night than I am when I weigh in the next morning. So excited!
Yay! =]
Update: according to my scale I've lost 0.4lbs so far today, and I'm usually a couple pounds higher at night than I am when I weigh in the next morning. So excited!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
