Gross but Good (warning: talk of poop)

My stomach has been ridiculously upset the past several days. I think it's a mixture of anxiety and that I may be coming down with a bug. But I'm kind of glad. Example: dinner tonight, I had a mouthful of rice and a couple tablespoons worth of mashed potatoes, and then a couple scoops of ice cream. Luckily it was all pretty rank so I didn't finish what I did put on my plate. Not twenty minutes later I had rather explosive diarrhoea, and everything I ate was flushed completely out of me (that was apparent by the whole undigested pieces of coconut from the ice cream that was visible... after). Honestly I'm surprised my family hasn't noticed the amount I've been eating... I've been taking a small amount of food to start with, then eating less than half and leaving it. I've been expecting comments, but nobody's said a thing, so I'm not sure they've noticed.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I've got mixed feelings. I'm looking forward to seeing my kitties and catching up with S and L, and most of all sleeping in my own bed. And of course, having more control over the food that I'm eating, since right now everything is catered and there's not a huge variety. Rice and various fish-cooked-in-some-manner-of-sauce, vegetables and meats coated in sauces and gravies. Ugh, my stomach is squirming just thinking about it. Once I get home I can settle back into my own routines, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I think at this point I'm going to start ABC on New Year's Day. I'll restrict before then but plunge right back in at the start of the new year. It seems like a nice way to start the year - after all, they say that however New Year's Day goes, sets the precident for the rest of the year. Anybody with me? =]

Thank you all for your comments on my Exercise Tips, that's a great idea. I've already "obtained" a few Yoga DVDs that I'm going to burn when I get home.

But I've got another question for you: Pro Ana bracelets. I want one. I have for a while, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm having trouble finding something I really like. I mean I found one, but since I apparently have expensive tastes, it's a silver Tiffany & Co bangle with a red enamel inlay. Gorgeous, but somewhere in the region of £300.

I'd love to make my own but I'm tres uncreative and tend not to finish creative projects that I start. Which is bad, but whatever. I started making one in different shades of red and black thread, Friendship-Bracelet style, but I didn't like it so I stopped making it..

So the question is, do you have one? If so, where did you get it?

Thanks again, I hope you're all doing well and had a great weekend.

Vee xox

Viva La Mexico

Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.

But anyway. Here's my vast update.

Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.

Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.

When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.

That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.

Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.

I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.

I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.

It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.

So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.

God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.

I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.

Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.

Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.

Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!

Vee xoxoxox

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Like the first monkey shot into space.

Quote from Fight Club. I was going to use a different quote to title this post, one about insomnia, but *this* quote speaks to me a lot more. Because it's not just about not being able to sleep and feeling like a fictional zombie all the time - but this is a quote that could be the title of the soundtrack to my life. And I'm betting a lot of you out there see the same.

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.

And it's true. And this is exactly why we do what we do. Because we have to, or we have nothing.

But anyway, I'm getting off topic, as I am so often wont to do. The reason the original quote I wanted to use was about insomnia because oh my god you guys, I have not been this tired in SO GOD DAMN LONG. My eating has still been borderline normal - and it's been hard not to turn into a bingey mess because my aunt has been ordering takeout all week. She's got her surgery date (August 3rd) and is starting her ten-day milk-and-yogurt-diet tomorrow. So today is the last day that there will be any temptation at all in my house. Aside from that which I create for myself. But I'm determined that I'll be able to stick to my guns now. I can't be tempted by the ice cream they're buying, or the pizza they want to order, or the fish and chips they're going to get on the way home from work.

And I am so excited! It's so weird, this giddy feeling inside, knowing that I won't have to come home to my aunt telling me she bought us fatty four-cheese tortellini for dinner and asking me to make it for us with garlic bread. I am so looking forward to the starvation high.

But I am still SO tired. I've has issues with insomnia on and off since I was in my early teens. Lately it hasn't seemed as bad - but the sleep I am getting is of such a low quality that I feel as though I haven't slept at all. The other night, my cat escaped just as I was going to bed, and because I can't sleep with my door open (my aunts noise plus light from the rest of the house keeps me awake), J said she'd let the cat in my room when she came in/before she went to bed. I went to bed just before midnight and I was completely lost to the world when J let the cat in around 1:30. This is so unlike me and when I woke up the next morning an hour before my alarm, I thought - AWESOME. I'd managed to sleep a good six hours straight without interruption, and now I had another hour to doze before I had to get ready for work. But - and this is a huge but - although I'd slept like a rock for six hours, I felt like I hadn't slept in days.

This morning, I feel jet-lagged. I can't think straight. I got to work an hour ago and have done nothing yet because I can't concentrate on anything. And I know there are other big things going on in my life right now (see my previous post), but I don't think that's the cause of this. This is just my fucked up physiology telling me that no, nothing in my life will ever be easy, because I do not deserve easy. So even though I'd finally managed to get a full night's sleep, it had no effect at all. I woke up the other morning feeling worse than when I'd gone to bed.

And then last night I barely slept at all - hence the jet-lagged feeling, I guess. I'm so sick to death of this, but there's nothing I can do. Over the counter sleep aids do nothing to help me sleep. And my doctor took me off prescription sleeping pills because they weren't helping me sleep, but they WERE making me sick and feel hungover. I hate milk, so warm milk is out of the question (I just gagged a little while envisioning a pot of milk on the stove, haha). I don't know. I don't think this post really has much of a purpose other than to whine about being tired and that my aunt's surgery is coming up in a couple weeks yay.

I feel like I really just need some time off work, some time on my own, to just... god, I don't know. Relax, I guess. My job is not generally stressful or anything, I just feel like I could do without HAVING to do anything. Maybe if I have nothing to do or think about, I can figure out who I am again, who I want to be. Random profound statement, right there. I also really need to re-join a gym, except that I can't afford to, so the treadmill in my room will have to suffice for now. Except that my room is now once again crammed with boxes and trash bags full of STUFF that needs to be sorted out (the last bits from the old house were brought over this week and dumped in my room, and I haven't had the energy to do much of anything with it yet), so I have to create room again to pull the treadmill out.

Also, I think I have the only cat in the world who goes outside all evening, comes inside to take a shit in her litter box, and then demands to be let outside again.

Akahsdjahs. I'm all over the place today and I can't make my mind focus on a particular topic, and it's frustrating me. So I'll finish off on this note.

My great-aunt and uncle are coming to my granny's for lunch on Saturday (they're getting fish and chips - in a "show of solidarity" for my aunts who cannot eat any of it, I'll be skipping the lunch) and I think my second-cousin (the one with Down's Syndrome) is staying at my grandmother's house for the weekend. So we're taking him to see the new Harry Potter movie in the afternoon, and at least I'll get to see my great-aunt for the first time since the cancer news broke.

From my reasearch though, her condition sounds like Thalassemia (that might be spelled wrong) - but thalassemia isn't actually cancer, it's a genetic blood disease. So I need to find out what it is that she has this weekend, so I can research properly.

Anyway I need to try to get some work done. All I want to do is curl up under my desk and die. At least then maybe I'd get some decent sleep.

Vee xox

Cancer: Not The Crab

I mentioned in my previous post of bad times about cancer in the family. So, for those who are interested, here’s the full story.

Near the end of last year, my grandma’s sister (my great-aunt) was pretty sick. She had a bunch of tests done and her doctor said she had some condition that could potentially be a precursor to leukaemia. She had been undergoing treatment for that.

Now, though, my grandmother had told us that my great-aunt HAS cancer. I need to do some research to find the name and implications, but it’s essentially the opposite of Leukaemia – in that, her body is not producing white blood cells.

She can’t have a bone marrow transplant because her doctor said point-blank, it would kill her.

She’s currently having blood transfusions to keep her going. However, her doctor said she can have twenty of these – after 20 transfusions, they will be doing more harm than good to her body and would slowly kill her over time anyway.

So far in her treatment, she has had 8. Next month she has another 2. That leaves 10 transfusions, which is maybe 5 months if she’s having one every fortnight.

After the transfusions have stopped, there is some drug that she MIGHT be able to take, an injection into the spine. The injections, if she takes them, will eventually render her paralyzed below the waist.

The injections are administered monthly. Each one costs £1,000. And they are NOT covered by the NHS. My great-uncle has already been paying privately for her treatment; he’s now having to put their (super, super nice!) house up for sale now to try to get the money for the injections.

He has a friend in Dubai who owns a company that is the equivalent of Boots (or, I guess, like a Shopper’s Drug Mart in North America?) – that is to say, it deals in pharmaceuticals and prescriptions. He’s going to see if he can get the medication cheaper for them.

But, here’s the stinker. It’s not a guarantee that she’ll be able to take this medication. Even if she does, the cost is exorbitant, and will paralyze her. And they might not work.

If she can’t get them, or they don’t work… well, once the transfusions have stopped, she has six months to live.

Bad times.

Perhaps the saddest part is that she's planning a party in October - a big get-together, so she can have her family all together and see everyone one last time.

And the part that makes ME the saddest, is that my mom isn't coming.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming

So. Bad things have been going on.

Work is mostly okay, it’s just been busy.
My grandfather read the title sticker on one of my Amazon purchases and apparently went on a tirade to my aunt demanding to know why I’m buying books about eating disorders (I’ve had to try to lay low for a while until this blows over. Honestly though, I’m a fucking whale, how could anybody look at me and honestly think I have an ED?)
J has been moody as all hell and I have no idea what her problem is.
My aunt’s mood has been up and down but she has her surgery date now (August 3rd) so hopefully she’ll be able to chill a little.
My own mood is trying to inch closer and closer to rock bottom.
My grandmother’s sister (my favourite great-aunt) has cancer. It is the opposite of Leukaemia, but I can’t remember the name. Something to do with her body not producing white blood cells, I think. Chances are good that she will be dead this time next year. I’ll write a separate post about this later.
Shit keeps going down back in Canada. My mom called this weekend in tears because shit had hit the fan again. Long story short, my brother threw a tantrum over something dumb, his father got into a fight with him (a physical fight, not a screaming-match fight), my brother isn’t living at home, and now his ex-girlfriend has told my mom she’s not allowed to see my nephew. So my mom is taking this to mean she is a bad mother and is upset because she is VERY sensitive on this point. And it makes my heart ache that I can’t say “You’re not a bad mother” and really, truly mean it.
I bought a juicer so I could do my first juice-fast, all natural, and the fucking thing does not work. Now I have a SHITTON of fruit in my kitchen threatening to go bad, so I think I’m on a three-day fruit diet. By shitton of fruit I mean eight apples, six pears, a punnet of strawberries, two punnetts of cherries, a bag of grapes, seven bananas and a quarter of a watermelon.

Mostly it’s been little stresses, but some of the bombs are huge (read: cancer). But it’s been burying me, and I’ve had to take some time to myself. To be honest, I haven’t had the motivation to come and write here. Even though I need the outlet, all I’ve been wanting to do is curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep every night.

Except I can’t even cry.

And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I CAN NOT make myself restrict. I keep going into a binge mode. It’s not that I’m eating a huge amount, I’m eating “normally” or sub-normal even. But my head goes into that state of mind where you physically can’t stop. It’s like you’re outside watching your body on auto pilot and there’s nothing you can do about it. Stress and depression are making me crazy right now, and my inability to get control over my eating and drop some fucking weight is making it so much worse. I haven’t been eating enough to gain, but I’ve been unable to lose for weeks and I’m still a fucking monster. But I’m not giving up the fight and until I manage to get my eating completely under control.

All this is to say, I’m sorry I’ve been gone again. But I’m back. And I’m really going to need your support and motivation to get my head working right again. Right now I don’t even know who I am.

I Fucking Hate It

...when I'm doing well, I feel strong, and then The Universe throws a headache at me. Threatening me to eat something that I don't even want, or suffer a migraine.

I have to weigh the pros and cons.

Stick to my guns and have ONLY the 2 10-calorie soups for lunch/dinner today and nothing else.

Pros:
--Probably drop a pound and a half, especially if I have time to do half an hour on the treadmill before bed.

--Feel good about myself. Strength is motivating, baby!

--I'm already tired and lack of food might make me tired enough to sleep for longer than 3 hours tonight.

Cons:
--Possible consequences in the form of a full-on migraine attack


Or.. Find something edible for lunch and then do the 10 calorie soup for dinner.

Pros:
--Possible total aversion of migraine

Cons:
--Means eating additional calories, possibly up to 200 depending on what my canteen has in stock.

--Additional calories = less weight loss, or even weight gain

--No guarantees that it WILL stop a migraine - this might be completely unrelated to no-food-in-system


Hmm. According to that list, I should just not eat. But the pain in my head is screaming otherwise.

But I managed to gain a pound yesterday, and I need to not go there.

I'm going to be honest with you, even though I'm ashamed.

Yesterday, after going to the hospital and waiting for J to go through for her surgery, my aunt and I went to the mall. On the way out I downed a cup of water from the water cooler, completely parched and dehydrated. It was so cold and soothing and tasted yummy. Awesome.

At the mall I picked up some birthday cards, a present for my grandma from Lush, a new perfume (Harajuku Lovers - Music. I love it, it's fruity and sweet and warm), a face mask. Nothing exciting. Except for when we were in the card store.

See... I am not a morning person. And I don't just mean that in the sense that I am grumpy and grounchy if I wake up early. I mean that my body doesn't even function properly. I can't eat breakfast before leaving the house because if I do, my body will reject it and I will wind up with explosive diarrhoea for the rest of the day, sometimes into the next. Yes, my body is entirely fucked right up.

And yes, that goes for drinking anything, too.

On the drive to the mall I was okay but my stomach felt a bit weird and I knew I'd probably need to use the toilet as soon as we got home, but nothing insane was happening. After going to the bank and then to Lush and to the card store, though, it suddenly became very clear I could not wait. So I hurried to buy my cards, told my aunt I'd meet her by the escalators, and took off.

The main toilets were shut, but I forgot that until I got to the entrance, and then had to turn and walk all the way back to find another one. And at this point I was seriously praying that I would make it in time. I realize this is probably too much information and I apologise, but oh. my. god. it was excruciating. I was on the verge of complete panic and practically ran.

I won't give you gross details haha. But when I met up with my aunt afterward, I was completely shaking and both severely dehydrated and feeling faint. So on the way out I grabbed a sandwich bagel thing, after spending no less than ten minutes of reading the labels on every sandwich in the display. Total calories were around 300 but at that point I doubt I would have been able to walk to the car. I also got a bottle of strawberry flavoured water (7 calories for the whole bottle) and downed it in one go before eating the bagel.

Things were okay, I started to feel better and my body was calming down. Or so I thought. Until we got home and I had to run to the toilet to... uh, evacuate the remains of the bagel, I guess. After that, I went to bed for an hour.

After an hour, I woke up feeling even more exhausted than I had before I went to bed. But, I had to get up because J was out of surgery and was awake and we had to go visit her. So we spent around three hours there sitting and talking to her, before we headed home. As we stepped outside, my aunt asked what I wanted for dinner. I just shrugged noncommittally and got into the car, because I'd already planned to try the onion flavoured 10-calorie soup (the chicken ones are mucho nice, for real). But she banged on about how we don't have any "real food" in the house and we need to either go to Morrisson's to pick something up or hit McDonald's or something. Of course I said "well if we go to Morrisson's we can pick up some salads" because they have this awesome salad bar thing. There's a lot of crap in it, like pasta and potato salads and stuff, which my aunt likes, but they have generic salad stuff too. And the cherry tomatoes look awesome.

However, the weather was INSANE. Parts of the city were flooding and traffic was horrendous. At one point we were stuck at a red light for over fifteen minutes, no exaggeration. By the time we got to Chapeltown, my aunt had decided she couldn't be bothered messing around in Morrisson's and stopped at the KFC near our house instead.

I dutifully ordered a small meal, ate the fries and shared the chicken with the cats (the cats are total pigs, which is probably a good thing lol). And then went upstairs for my shower.

You can see where this is going.

I turned on the water, laid some toilet paper in the bottom of the toilet bowl, and stuck the end of my toothbrush down my throat until I'd brought up as much as I could. I felt shakey but the empty feeling was back and that was good.

The thing is, I felt SO ashamed. I do not feel an ounce of shame about not eating or starvation. Starving makes me feel strong and proud. Purging, whether I've "binged" or not, makes me feel like a failure. And it's something I wasn't going to admit here.

Until I realized, if I can't admit it here, where the fuck can I? The only people in the world who understand are right here.

Don't get me wrong. I have to reiterate that Bulimia is NOT my friend. I pull back every time that bitch Mia tries to wrap her arms around my gut and force me to heave. Shame aside, my teeth are far too important to me. That's probably a really dumb and vain reason, but it's my motivation to not let Mia take over.

But yesterday I felt so helpless. My aunt wasn't backing down, telling me I'd been up since 5:30 and had only had a bagel and I needed to eat something more than just soup or whatever. So I did as I was told like a good little fucking subservient. And I had to do something about it.

The panic I felt while I was slowly dividing the chicken between small bites for me and larger pieces for the cats, rivalled the feeling of panic in those moments at the mall when I honest to God thought I wasn't going to make it to the bathrooms in time. So I did the only thing I could think of.

Looking at myself in the mirror after, with my mascara smudged all around my eyes and dripping in wet streams down both cheeks, from my eyes watering from the force of vomiting, I was disgusted with myself. Reminding myself that this can't happen again. That not eating, regardless of the familial consequences, is better than this. Anything else is better than this. Anything.

So I got in the shower and washed it away.

And still woke up a pound heavier today.

Mia is unreliable.

Ana is dependable.

... I think my story just successfully talked myself out of eating today. It's just really, really, not worth it.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I just got home from work. I feel like I'm going to die, be sick, or my head is going to explode. Probably all three.

I just drank a shitton of salty ass water, thank god for the lemon juice - it REALLY helps, girls!

Once the show is over, I'm going to consume some carbs as per some useful advice from a fellow migraine sufferer, and hope that it manages to bring said migraine down from a scream to a whisper.

Meanwhile, I am ransacking the house searching in vain to see if my aunt's partner has any long-forgotten migraine meds stashed somewhere.

I'm guessing not, since she took MY last two pills last week.

Wish me luck.

Also, wondering why I just got home from work, realized I hadn't taken The Pill this morning, swallowed it and then chased it with saltwater. Obviously, explosive.. evacuation.. or orifices... is not conducive to actually absorbing the hormones.

Whatever, it's not like I've been laid in over a fucking year anyway.

Yes, really.

But that's a whole nother story.

Excuse me whilst I go writhe in pain for a while.

An Unfortunate Development

I suffer from migraines. Migraines that are a bitch. I get them for various reasons. Like really strong coffee or super strong scents over a long period of time. Feta Cheese. Cigarette smoke in large doses. These are a few triggers that I know of.

I also get migraines for no reason. Yay! /sarcasm

Low blood sugar is sometimes one of them, although usually I just get really fatigued, which I can deal with, because I'm exhausted a good 96% of the time and I am not even kidding.

Whatever the reason, I'm not feeling well right now. What started out as a nagging headache over one eye (that I presumed was just a dehydration headache, or from staring at my computer screen at work or something) is now getting more severe. The telltale sign that it's trying to turn into a migraine though? The nausea. When I get a migraine I also get really sick, sometimes to the point of vomiting. Right now, I feel sick and dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurts. All of these are symptoms preceding a migraine attack for me.

I know it's bad for you, but I've popped 3 paracetimols on an empty stomach hoping that it will get rid of it, but I do not have high hopes. I'm out of migraine meds and can't pick up some more until I go to Tesco this weekend. I am so very, utterly screwed.

Part of me wants to eat something to try and boost my blood sugar levels and hope that stops this turning into a full blown, face-eating attack. But I want to stay strong. At this point, I don't know if I'll be able to last the whole day on no food at all.

I'm in so much pain, I wish I could just curl up and pass out and wait for it to pass.