ARGH Why do I have cramps?? I haven't had a period in three and a half years!
Oh wait... probably because I've eaten nothing but Dairy for two days. And Dairy hates me. The feelign is mutual.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Monday, 26 October 2009
Kore wa dame desu
Translation: This is bad. (yes it's pretty lame but it's the first Japanese sentence I've managed to put together on my own that wasn't found or taught as a generic "helpful phrase.")
But yeah. I'll update you more tomorrow but right now I'm still in a state of disbelief over the bullshit of last night. My brain is full of all manner of whatthefuckery.
Hope you're all doing well.
V
But yeah. I'll update you more tomorrow but right now I'm still in a state of disbelief over the bullshit of last night. My brain is full of all manner of whatthefuckery.
Hope you're all doing well.
V
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Best Thing Ever
(With regard to my previous post about being antisocial I finally plucked up the motivation to write back to my best-friend-since-we-were-6, D, who would be the perfect gay best friend if he were into fashion, beauty, or shopping AT ALL, but as it is he's one of only two or three people who understand my completely jaded, misanthropic, antisocial view of the world, so he'll do.)
Anwyay, I just got an email back from D, and the closing line was "On that note I should go to bed because it is 4:30. Crap, it's 4:30. You are a tremendous distraction."
What does it say about me that that last line is probably one of the best compliments I've received in ages?
Anwyay, I just got an email back from D, and the closing line was "On that note I should go to bed because it is 4:30. Crap, it's 4:30. You are a tremendous distraction."
What does it say about me that that last line is probably one of the best compliments I've received in ages?
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Mmm
Just had a call from a client who just moved back home to Australia and had some questions on transferring his pension... And he had a super sexy accent. Yum yum, yes please!
I so badly need to get laid.
I so badly need to get laid.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Preview: Chapter Uno
This is a random, non-food-related post. Sorry, I don't have time to post much of actual interest today (work is intense and I'm going straight to the hospital when I finish here), but I wanted so share a piece of me with you, so here is a copy-and-pasted pasted Chapter One of my masterpiece. I'll post it for a day or two and then take it down, because I'd hate for Google's trawlers to find it, then one of my friends google a sentence and find it crossposted here and at my Writing.com account.
It's not very good, it's a bit all-over-the-place, and I've scrapped it four times so far and started from scratch... but it's mine and I'm (mostly) proud of it so far. One day, it'll be published, and all of you will get a shoutout in the credits.
One day...
Let me know in comments (leave an email address or something?) if you missed it and want to read, I'll send you a link to my writing.com account.
It's not very good, it's a bit all-over-the-place, and I've scrapped it four times so far and started from scratch... but it's mine and I'm (mostly) proud of it so far. One day, it'll be published, and all of you will get a shoutout in the credits.
One day...
REMOVED
Let me know in comments (leave an email address or something?) if you missed it and want to read, I'll send you a link to my writing.com account.
Monday, 3 August 2009
Ugh
Full post to come later because I need to fit a nap in before I go back to visit my aunt at the hospital in a few hours (after waiting five hours for her to go into surgery at noon today >.<)
But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.
But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.
Friday, 31 July 2009
Christmas in July?
Kind of.
At work today one of the supervisor-consultant dudes (who is a wicked egomaniac sometimes and very competitive, by the way) brought up the topic of our Christmas party. Rather than having a party at the office or whatever, it's up to each team to organize what they want to do, and usually the company will give each team a budget of £5-10 per head towards it.
Well, Consultant dude (for the sake of continuity we'll call him C1) has decided he wants to do what another team are doing and book our team in at this hall... It's formal with jazz music and carriage rides and stuff. But the food sounds terrible (not to mention there are 2 vegetarians in my team and no vegetarian dinner options), it's £35 a head... and, to put it lightly, nobody in my team is the "formal" type. I can dress up and act polite and ladylike if I want to, or have to, but I'd rather go somewhere where we're comfortable and I won't get glared at for swearing or bursting into hysterical laughter at an unintentional double entendre (which I am very apt to do). But mostly that these aren't people that are capable of being civilized for longer than 5 minutes. Hell, our last team-do was semi-formal and one of the guys spent the night pretending to take photos of everyone, when really he was taking close-up shots of everyone's cleavage. Which was hella fun, but I can see C1 being a stick in the mud and expecting us to keep it toned down.
On top of all of that, I'm not even here on the date it would be on (December 11th) as I'm in Cancun for two and a half weeks from the 7th of December. So, I said my opinion is that if we plan it before then, I'm in, if not, I don't really care where they book since I won't be involved.
So, he's sent the information sheet around the team asking for other suggestions, as this fancy party went down like a lead balloon. So, everyone wrote a ton of suggestion on it (I just added that I don't particularly mind when it's booked, as if it happens when I'm not here, my input is kind of void anyway, and asked them to try to get it before I go away) and passed it back to him. And he just whined about how all of the suggestions were crap and if he doesn't get to go to the place he wants he'll "be very pissed off."
While we were talking about it earlier, he got his panties in such a twist, it was hilarious. He was like "so what, if we just do a generic team meal out or something, everyone will fuck off at 6 and that's the end of that" and was in a proper huff. I get where he's coming with - he wants a proper Christmas party, and that would rock - but it was hilarious and he was so over the top with it.
So yeah, nothing is resolved at all right now haha. But it's given us some amusement. I think he's going to go on the other team's Christmas party anyway, just so he can go where he wants to without us lol.
At work today one of the supervisor-consultant dudes (who is a wicked egomaniac sometimes and very competitive, by the way) brought up the topic of our Christmas party. Rather than having a party at the office or whatever, it's up to each team to organize what they want to do, and usually the company will give each team a budget of £5-10 per head towards it.
Well, Consultant dude (for the sake of continuity we'll call him C1) has decided he wants to do what another team are doing and book our team in at this hall... It's formal with jazz music and carriage rides and stuff. But the food sounds terrible (not to mention there are 2 vegetarians in my team and no vegetarian dinner options), it's £35 a head... and, to put it lightly, nobody in my team is the "formal" type. I can dress up and act polite and ladylike if I want to, or have to, but I'd rather go somewhere where we're comfortable and I won't get glared at for swearing or bursting into hysterical laughter at an unintentional double entendre (which I am very apt to do). But mostly that these aren't people that are capable of being civilized for longer than 5 minutes. Hell, our last team-do was semi-formal and one of the guys spent the night pretending to take photos of everyone, when really he was taking close-up shots of everyone's cleavage. Which was hella fun, but I can see C1 being a stick in the mud and expecting us to keep it toned down.
On top of all of that, I'm not even here on the date it would be on (December 11th) as I'm in Cancun for two and a half weeks from the 7th of December. So, I said my opinion is that if we plan it before then, I'm in, if not, I don't really care where they book since I won't be involved.
So, he's sent the information sheet around the team asking for other suggestions, as this fancy party went down like a lead balloon. So, everyone wrote a ton of suggestion on it (I just added that I don't particularly mind when it's booked, as if it happens when I'm not here, my input is kind of void anyway, and asked them to try to get it before I go away) and passed it back to him. And he just whined about how all of the suggestions were crap and if he doesn't get to go to the place he wants he'll "be very pissed off."
While we were talking about it earlier, he got his panties in such a twist, it was hilarious. He was like "so what, if we just do a generic team meal out or something, everyone will fuck off at 6 and that's the end of that" and was in a proper huff. I get where he's coming with - he wants a proper Christmas party, and that would rock - but it was hilarious and he was so over the top with it.
So yeah, nothing is resolved at all right now haha. But it's given us some amusement. I think he's going to go on the other team's Christmas party anyway, just so he can go where he wants to without us lol.
After some research...
I looked into it, and it sounds like I couldn't go to Japan to teach English even if I wanted to - a university degree is required for a Working Visa. And even where an employer will sponsor you for a Visa, in most cases THEY require a Bachelor degree too. Bleghghghgh. Oh well, I dunno what I'm getting my panties in a twist over, it's not like I'd up and leave now anyway.
Although I do long to one day live there...
Completely Fucking Random
Sometimes I think my brain dies when I go to sleep and in its oxygen-deprived state these visions happen. Otherwise known as "dreams".
Last night I had two random dreams. I can't remember the exact specifics of them, but they were weird.
The first one was that I was living in Tokyo and staying with a friend. This friend of mine in the dream is a J-pop/Japanese Variety show idol that I adore, but whom I obviously don't actually KNOW. I mean, I think she's adorable and cool and if I were a guy I would have a huge crush on her but mostly I just want to hug her. Anyway, in this dream I was living with her at her apartment and were just doing stuff around town together. And we were talking about what kind of presents we'd need to buy eachother and I was all, I already know what you like (since I read the English translation of her blog, which is also why I adore her, she's so REAL and self-conscious and insecure, instead of a fake plastic celebrity. Hell she doesn't even see herself as a celebrity. But I'm digressing). So I listed off some stuff and she started at me with shock asking how I knew, and I said dude, I read your blog. And she was like, but you don't speak Japanese what? And I said about the English translations on the fansite of the company she used to work for... And she burst into tears over the fact that she had so many western fans. Then I must have been coming home because I was heading to the airport (which was right behind her apartment building, even though I hadn't heard ANY NOISE AT ALL while living there). Then I woke up.
I long to go to Japan. If I knew I could make it, I would consider going there to teach English...
Anyway. The second dream was totally random. I dreamed I was getting married and I was... somewhere with my granny rushing to finish getting ready because I was running late. No idea who the shit I was marrying since there are ZERO prospects on the horizon. I don't even KNOW any single straight men. My dress was some weird pink for some reason. And my grandmother kept bitching at me to do stuff, and that I was going to be late for my wedding, and I remember mumbling "this isn't MY wedding, it's YOUR wedding for me." Then I was doing my makeup, but left the eyeshadows I wanted somewhere else, so we went next door. And... the chick whose house it was... I think it was meant to be my aunt's friend who owns a salon, because she was a hairdresser, but the actual person living there was a character I'd created years ago for a story, and she looked exactly like Eliza Dushku. What the fuck is this about? Then I started putting eyeshadow on, and then panicked because I COULD NOT FIND MY PRIMER POTION OR PAINT POTS FOR A BASE OH NO.
At this point I woke up and went what the FUCK?
Last night I had two random dreams. I can't remember the exact specifics of them, but they were weird.
The first one was that I was living in Tokyo and staying with a friend. This friend of mine in the dream is a J-pop/Japanese Variety show idol that I adore, but whom I obviously don't actually KNOW. I mean, I think she's adorable and cool and if I were a guy I would have a huge crush on her but mostly I just want to hug her. Anyway, in this dream I was living with her at her apartment and were just doing stuff around town together. And we were talking about what kind of presents we'd need to buy eachother and I was all, I already know what you like (since I read the English translation of her blog, which is also why I adore her, she's so REAL and self-conscious and insecure, instead of a fake plastic celebrity. Hell she doesn't even see herself as a celebrity. But I'm digressing). So I listed off some stuff and she started at me with shock asking how I knew, and I said dude, I read your blog. And she was like, but you don't speak Japanese what? And I said about the English translations on the fansite of the company she used to work for... And she burst into tears over the fact that she had so many western fans. Then I must have been coming home because I was heading to the airport (which was right behind her apartment building, even though I hadn't heard ANY NOISE AT ALL while living there). Then I woke up.
I long to go to Japan. If I knew I could make it, I would consider going there to teach English...
Anyway. The second dream was totally random. I dreamed I was getting married and I was... somewhere with my granny rushing to finish getting ready because I was running late. No idea who the shit I was marrying since there are ZERO prospects on the horizon. I don't even KNOW any single straight men. My dress was some weird pink for some reason. And my grandmother kept bitching at me to do stuff, and that I was going to be late for my wedding, and I remember mumbling "this isn't MY wedding, it's YOUR wedding for me." Then I was doing my makeup, but left the eyeshadows I wanted somewhere else, so we went next door. And... the chick whose house it was... I think it was meant to be my aunt's friend who owns a salon, because she was a hairdresser, but the actual person living there was a character I'd created years ago for a story, and she looked exactly like Eliza Dushku. What the fuck is this about? Then I started putting eyeshadow on, and then panicked because I COULD NOT FIND MY PRIMER POTION OR PAINT POTS FOR A BASE OH NO.
At this point I woke up and went what the FUCK?
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Girl Confessions - another survey
Because I can't think of anything else to blog about right now. Stolen from MATILDA This was a total waste of time but at least now I'm 20 minutes closer to going home.
1. Do you sleep in your bra?
No
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
If my feet are cold! Usually if it’s super cold I fill up my hot water bottle though
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
It depends on whether that someone else is a bed hog or snores loudly. Generally, someone else though. Although I haven’t snuggled up in bed in SO LONG
4. Do you enjoy drama?
I’ve had way too much of it, I don’t want anymore.
5. Are you a girly girl?
I can be. I’m a stranger hybrid.
6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My cousin R, who has Downs Syndrome and gives the sloppppiest kisses on the cheek ever!
7. Small or large purses?
I want to say small but the one I have now is huge and full of junk. Me needs to downsize!
8. Are you short?
I’m on the shorter side of average I guess, around 5’5.
9. Do you like somebody?
Nope
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Nope!
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Yes! Ew, crusty dirty sockses?
12. Do you think you’re conceited?
Definitely not. Sometimes I can come off as a narcissist but the truth is I’m wicked insecure.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I want to. Last time I did was probably… like three years ago when we hit up the local gaybar/drag joint. And even then it was kinda halfassed.
14. Are you double jointed?
No
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Nowhere weird really. Bed, couch, car, airplane… I once fell asleep in Math class in highschool for about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t count.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
No.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Not that I know of *shiftyeyes*
18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Just old teachers, even though I graduated 5 years ago. When I asked some old teachers for a reference when I applied for university, it was weird. In fact, I added my old physics teacher to facebook and he wrote to say hi and when I wrote him back it was so weird to not write Mr Lastname. So I just didn’t address him by name haha.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions?
I’d like to hope that the few guys who do read my blog aren’t that lame. They’ll read it because I’m FASCINATING of course.
[x] i do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[xx] I think Johnny Depp is sexy
[x] I love to laugh.
[x [some] ] I like death/grind/black metal
[ ] I like rap.
[ ] like techno
[ ] like country
[x] I carry a purse.
[x] i'd be lost without my computer.
[x] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own a Britney Spears CD. READ BELOW
[x] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[x] Think guys are confusing
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is the bra your wearing?
Black with green and other coloured things on it.
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Not sure. Dark hair looks nice with like bright blue or green eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve even had a crush that I’m not sure.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Not A boy, just every boy. Or more accurately, with myself.
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Make me laugh and really mean it.
5. Do you have a best friend?
I have a couple.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah, there was that whole incident when the man I’d lived with for a year and a half left me for another woman who he married a year later.
7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Constantly. I think when I lose weight I might have a boob job (not implants, they’re big enough, but a lift or something)
8. Do you like your life?
Not usually. Sometimes.
10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy from you?
I wasn’t friends with her, so no.
11. Have you ever jumped into a pool with your clothes on?
Nope
12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
I tend to get along better with guys, but I think it’s probably a pretty equal split, being that I don’t have any many friends. I get along with chicks who are similar to me.
13. How long have you had a Facebook?
About.. 3 years?
14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
I punched a guy in the face once at school and made his nose bleed. I think I was 12. He started crying so I made a big fuss of how it was an accident and I was just stretching. Haha.
15. What are your biggest fears?
Spiders, being alone, “big things under deep water”
16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More than I’d like to admit.
17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yeah. It didn’t help that he continued to sleep with me for 3 months after we split up and pretended like we were still best friends.
18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yep. I knew my ex had cheated on his wife but convinced myself it was different because he didn’t really LOVE her. But, in the end he proved my original beliefs correct.
19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yeah
20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
I used to. Sometimes. Kind of.
21. Are you currently missing someone?
Not really.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE
Cowboy or Gangster?
Gangster
Preppy or Punk/Goth?
Punk!
Face or Body?
Face… because it’s a shame when a guy has a hot bod but looks like the ass-end of an elephant in the face. Yeah, I’m shallow. But I couldn’t go with anyone OMGHUGGGEEEWHUT either.
Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good cook.
Sweet or Sexy?
I gotta go with both. I love sweetness, but sexiness is important too…
Armani or Abercrombie?
No preference =P
Contacts or Glasses?
Either, it depends on how his glasses look on him. Sometimes, glasses can be sexy!
01. Eyeliner or Mascara?
Both. If I had to have only one though, I’d have to say mascara since I have BLONDE eyelashes. But my eyes look weird without eyeliner.
02. Louis vuitton or dooney & bourke
I’ve never heard of Dooney & Bourke so I’ll say LV since I like bags.
03. American eagle or Hollister?
Dude I’ve never been in an American Eagle OR a Hollister
04. Pumps or flats?
Both, don’t make me choose!
05. Skirts or pants?
I wish I had the legs for skirts. I LONG for skirts. But as it is, pants.
06. Socks or leggings?
Socks
07. Hoodies or jackets?
I love hoodies, but if it’s too cold I need a nice jacket. Which reminds me, I need to find a cute bomber jacket when I go to Canada
08. Heels or sneakers?
Booth. I love heels but I have a major soft spot for skatershoes.
10. Hoop or dangling earrings?
Danglies mostly.. aahh I like both
11.Do you think your pretty, honestly?
I’m a huge fucking whale, but I think I’m okay looking (in the face department)
12.Boots or Flip Flops?
=/ Heeled boots in autumn and winter. Flip flops when its hot. Although since this is England, Flip-Flops are a gamble even in August. For example, it’s the end of July and RAINED ALL DAY.
13. White or black?
As in like clothes and stuff? Black
14. Victoria’s secret or bath and body works?
Neither of those stores exist in my country. But I’ll say VS since I need a decent bra.
15. Smoothies or lattes?
Frappucinno?
16. Diet or regular sodas?
Diet!
17. Water or daiquiris?
hmm.. Daiquiris. I love me some cocktails, even if they’re calorific =/
18. Pearls or diamonds?
Diamonds baby
19. Lemonade or iced tea?
Iced Tea
20. Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen?
Hmm. I personally think Ashley is prettier… maybe it’s just the blonde hair… But MK is the ED-Goddess so I dunno.
21. Will you get drunk when you celebrate your birthday of this question number?
”your birthday of this question number?” That’s lame. I’m already 23, but no, I didn’t get drunk on my 21st. I was still with my ex, who was a non-practicing Muslim who decided he was going to stop drinking alcohol after we’d been together for 5 months.
22. iPod or cell phone?
Oh god. I can’t choose! I HAVE to have music, but I’d be lost without texting and being able to read blogs on my phone =[
23. Friends or family?
I dunno. My family situation is pretty fucked up most of the time, but I love my aunt to death so just for her I’ll say Family. But they’re both important.
24. Lip gloss or lip stick?
Glosssss. I like both together, but in a rush I’ll throw on some gloss and I’m good to go.
25. Manicure or pedicures?
Mani.. I’m a bit weirded out by the idea of letting strangers touch my feet.
26. Would you rather shop with one best friend or go bowling with lots of friends?
I don’t have “lots of friends” so my 2-3 times monthly shopping trips with S are rockin.
27. Tank tops or beaters?
I’m not entirely sure what the difference is.
28. Tiffany’s or Chanel?
I want both. I own nothing from either but I want a Chanel bag, and the gorgeous silver-and-red-laquer bracelet from Tiffany
29. love or peace?
Love
30. Sunglasses or purses?
Purses… I physically can’t live without one…
IN A GUY...
Funny or Serious?
Both. He needs a great sense of humor, but has to be able to take things seriously when he needs to.
Romantic or Daredevil?
Hmm.. I lean toward romantic
Dark Eyes or Light Eyes?
It depends on the guy ^.^
Long Hair or Short Hair?
Medium / shaggy
Curly Hair or Straight Hair?
Again, depends on the guy
Clean-cut or Rough?
I dunno. I’m not big on facial hair but sometimes a little stubble is sex
Basketball Player or Football Player?
Hm. I dunno, I don’t have a preference.
Smoker or Non-smoker?
NOONNNN
Drunk or Sober?
Sober. Alcohol is alright sometimes but when it gets into alcoholism and dependency I can’t deal with it. I grew up with too much of the alcoholic around me, I don’t need it now.
Druggie or Clean?
CLEAN
Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car?
Well. I like motorcycles (I have a super hot jacket and helmet for when I ride on my aunt’s!) but he needs a car too. It doesn’t need to be sporty though.
Player or Loyal?
LOYAL!
Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
I can’t remember doing it, no, but it sounds like the kind of think I’d do haha
Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Somehow I doubt it since he’s gay. And we’ve been best friends since we were 6, so it’d be fucked up to do that. Also, I’m not interested in him that way anyway.
If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, would you do it?
Hmm. I’m against drugs, but I think it depends on how I’m feeling at the time. Sometimes I don’t give two shits whether I live to see another day or not.
If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
I want to say yes (dude they’re my favourite movies!) but it depends on the situation. I mentally put myself in the victims’ places sometimes and there is NO WAY IN HELL. I could do what Amanda did though, cut a key out of some dude’s intestine.
When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with friends?
I haven’t been in a photo booth in YEARRRSS. But S and her boy L and I took a load of pics of ourselves when we went out on the town a month or two ago.
On average what do you think you cry about the most?
Everything. Seriously. I cry because I’m depressed about my love life or my family or just my life in general. And I also cry because I’m a fat fucking cow.
Who was the last guy you talked to?
One of the dudes I work with.
Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Not really. Although you can make new ones. That sounds contradictory but I dunno how to explain it really. My best friend V and I are still tight, but she still lives in Canada. Now I’m also best buddies with S, but it doesn’t mean that she’s “replaced” V.
Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
I’m going to assume that the last person I held hands with was the boyfriend I had after the Ex Who Left Me For That Bitch, since there hasn’t been any romance at all since then. And OH MY GOD FUCK NO! EEEWW
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Yeah, I helped my ex pay off his debt and then tadaaah, he left me. Also probably my mom since she had me when she was 17, haha
What friends do you tell the most?
You guys.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Probably my aunt…
Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
At work?
Are you going anywhere next summer?
I think we’re planning to go to Canada next September (and S and L might be coming with, that would ROCK)
Are you waiting for anyone's call or text right now?
Waiting to see if K texts me back (K is an ED-buddy)
Are you shy?
Sometimes
Are you talkative?
Yeah, if I’m not in my shy-mode
Do you secretly like someone?
Nope
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, although often people can tell if something’s wrong. Or they accuse me of being a bitch or shout “What’s wrong with you!?” when I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m hopelessly depressed and trying not to cry. Thanks for the support.
How is life going for you right now?
My work life is okay. My home life is average. But overall not fabulous.
Do you trust people easily?
Ahahah. No
Do you give out second chances easily?
No.
Do you smile a lot?
I smile all the time, even though inside I’m often upset. Even when I’m not feeling great or have a headache, I find myself smiling and joking around at work. It’s funny, a friend of mine said to me via Facebook recently that I’m always so happy, even though while I was in high school with him I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I guess I give off the happy vibe because I’m a joker and laugh a lot.
One thing you're looking forward to.
Having time off work, coming BACK from Canada, seeing my friends and mom/bro/sis in Canada, going to Cancun this December, LOSING WEIGHT!
How do you feel about change?
My life is constantly changing, but I deal.
Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes
Are you happy?
Right now I’m completely apathetic and indifferent.
Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself?
It depends, most of the time recently I prefer to be left alone. And then I want to cancel plans I have with people (like shopping with S). But then once I make myself go out there, I enjoy myself.
*** Re: the Britney Spears CD. This is a lame story, but here goes. I’ve never been into Britney (although her more recent stuff isn’t too bad). But for my 16th birthday my mom bought me the Oops, I Did It Again single. Yeah. I don’t actually have it anymore, but I thought it was a funny story.
1. Do you sleep in your bra?
No
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
If my feet are cold! Usually if it’s super cold I fill up my hot water bottle though
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
It depends on whether that someone else is a bed hog or snores loudly. Generally, someone else though. Although I haven’t snuggled up in bed in SO LONG
4. Do you enjoy drama?
I’ve had way too much of it, I don’t want anymore.
5. Are you a girly girl?
I can be. I’m a stranger hybrid.
6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My cousin R, who has Downs Syndrome and gives the sloppppiest kisses on the cheek ever!
7. Small or large purses?
I want to say small but the one I have now is huge and full of junk. Me needs to downsize!
8. Are you short?
I’m on the shorter side of average I guess, around 5’5.
9. Do you like somebody?
Nope
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Nope!
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Yes! Ew, crusty dirty sockses?
12. Do you think you’re conceited?
Definitely not. Sometimes I can come off as a narcissist but the truth is I’m wicked insecure.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I want to. Last time I did was probably… like three years ago when we hit up the local gaybar/drag joint. And even then it was kinda halfassed.
14. Are you double jointed?
No
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Nowhere weird really. Bed, couch, car, airplane… I once fell asleep in Math class in highschool for about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t count.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
No.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Not that I know of *shiftyeyes*
18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Just old teachers, even though I graduated 5 years ago. When I asked some old teachers for a reference when I applied for university, it was weird. In fact, I added my old physics teacher to facebook and he wrote to say hi and when I wrote him back it was so weird to not write Mr Lastname. So I just didn’t address him by name haha.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions?
I’d like to hope that the few guys who do read my blog aren’t that lame. They’ll read it because I’m FASCINATING of course.
[x] i do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[xx] I think Johnny Depp is sexy
[x] I love to laugh.
[x [some] ] I like death/grind/black metal
[ ] I like rap.
[ ] like techno
[ ] like country
[x] I carry a purse.
[x] i'd be lost without my computer.
[x] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own a Britney Spears CD. READ BELOW
[x] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[x] Think guys are confusing
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is the bra your wearing?
Black with green and other coloured things on it.
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Not sure. Dark hair looks nice with like bright blue or green eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve even had a crush that I’m not sure.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Not A boy, just every boy. Or more accurately, with myself.
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Make me laugh and really mean it.
5. Do you have a best friend?
I have a couple.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah, there was that whole incident when the man I’d lived with for a year and a half left me for another woman who he married a year later.
7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Constantly. I think when I lose weight I might have a boob job (not implants, they’re big enough, but a lift or something)
8. Do you like your life?
Not usually. Sometimes.
10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy from you?
I wasn’t friends with her, so no.
11. Have you ever jumped into a pool with your clothes on?
Nope
12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
I tend to get along better with guys, but I think it’s probably a pretty equal split, being that I don’t have any many friends. I get along with chicks who are similar to me.
13. How long have you had a Facebook?
About.. 3 years?
14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
I punched a guy in the face once at school and made his nose bleed. I think I was 12. He started crying so I made a big fuss of how it was an accident and I was just stretching. Haha.
15. What are your biggest fears?
Spiders, being alone, “big things under deep water”
16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More than I’d like to admit.
17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yeah. It didn’t help that he continued to sleep with me for 3 months after we split up and pretended like we were still best friends.
18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yep. I knew my ex had cheated on his wife but convinced myself it was different because he didn’t really LOVE her. But, in the end he proved my original beliefs correct.
19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yeah
20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
I used to. Sometimes. Kind of.
21. Are you currently missing someone?
Not really.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE
Cowboy or Gangster?
Gangster
Preppy or Punk/Goth?
Punk!
Face or Body?
Face… because it’s a shame when a guy has a hot bod but looks like the ass-end of an elephant in the face. Yeah, I’m shallow. But I couldn’t go with anyone OMGHUGGGEEEWHUT either.
Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good cook.
Sweet or Sexy?
I gotta go with both. I love sweetness, but sexiness is important too…
Armani or Abercrombie?
No preference =P
Contacts or Glasses?
Either, it depends on how his glasses look on him. Sometimes, glasses can be sexy!
01. Eyeliner or Mascara?
Both. If I had to have only one though, I’d have to say mascara since I have BLONDE eyelashes. But my eyes look weird without eyeliner.
02. Louis vuitton or dooney & bourke
I’ve never heard of Dooney & Bourke so I’ll say LV since I like bags.
03. American eagle or Hollister?
Dude I’ve never been in an American Eagle OR a Hollister
04. Pumps or flats?
Both, don’t make me choose!
05. Skirts or pants?
I wish I had the legs for skirts. I LONG for skirts. But as it is, pants.
06. Socks or leggings?
Socks
07. Hoodies or jackets?
I love hoodies, but if it’s too cold I need a nice jacket. Which reminds me, I need to find a cute bomber jacket when I go to Canada
08. Heels or sneakers?
Booth. I love heels but I have a major soft spot for skatershoes.
10. Hoop or dangling earrings?
Danglies mostly.. aahh I like both
11.Do you think your pretty, honestly?
I’m a huge fucking whale, but I think I’m okay looking (in the face department)
12.Boots or Flip Flops?
=/ Heeled boots in autumn and winter. Flip flops when its hot. Although since this is England, Flip-Flops are a gamble even in August. For example, it’s the end of July and RAINED ALL DAY.
13. White or black?
As in like clothes and stuff? Black
14. Victoria’s secret or bath and body works?
Neither of those stores exist in my country. But I’ll say VS since I need a decent bra.
15. Smoothies or lattes?
Frappucinno?
16. Diet or regular sodas?
Diet!
17. Water or daiquiris?
hmm.. Daiquiris. I love me some cocktails, even if they’re calorific =/
18. Pearls or diamonds?
Diamonds baby
19. Lemonade or iced tea?
Iced Tea
20. Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen?
Hmm. I personally think Ashley is prettier… maybe it’s just the blonde hair… But MK is the ED-Goddess so I dunno.
21. Will you get drunk when you celebrate your birthday of this question number?
”your birthday of this question number?” That’s lame. I’m already 23, but no, I didn’t get drunk on my 21st. I was still with my ex, who was a non-practicing Muslim who decided he was going to stop drinking alcohol after we’d been together for 5 months.
22. iPod or cell phone?
Oh god. I can’t choose! I HAVE to have music, but I’d be lost without texting and being able to read blogs on my phone =[
23. Friends or family?
I dunno. My family situation is pretty fucked up most of the time, but I love my aunt to death so just for her I’ll say Family. But they’re both important.
24. Lip gloss or lip stick?
Glosssss. I like both together, but in a rush I’ll throw on some gloss and I’m good to go.
25. Manicure or pedicures?
Mani.. I’m a bit weirded out by the idea of letting strangers touch my feet.
26. Would you rather shop with one best friend or go bowling with lots of friends?
I don’t have “lots of friends” so my 2-3 times monthly shopping trips with S are rockin.
27. Tank tops or beaters?
I’m not entirely sure what the difference is.
28. Tiffany’s or Chanel?
I want both. I own nothing from either but I want a Chanel bag, and the gorgeous silver-and-red-laquer bracelet from Tiffany
29. love or peace?
Love
30. Sunglasses or purses?
Purses… I physically can’t live without one…
IN A GUY...
Funny or Serious?
Both. He needs a great sense of humor, but has to be able to take things seriously when he needs to.
Romantic or Daredevil?
Hmm.. I lean toward romantic
Dark Eyes or Light Eyes?
It depends on the guy ^.^
Long Hair or Short Hair?
Medium / shaggy
Curly Hair or Straight Hair?
Again, depends on the guy
Clean-cut or Rough?
I dunno. I’m not big on facial hair but sometimes a little stubble is sex
Basketball Player or Football Player?
Hm. I dunno, I don’t have a preference.
Smoker or Non-smoker?
NOONNNN
Drunk or Sober?
Sober. Alcohol is alright sometimes but when it gets into alcoholism and dependency I can’t deal with it. I grew up with too much of the alcoholic around me, I don’t need it now.
Druggie or Clean?
CLEAN
Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car?
Well. I like motorcycles (I have a super hot jacket and helmet for when I ride on my aunt’s!) but he needs a car too. It doesn’t need to be sporty though.
Player or Loyal?
LOYAL!
Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
I can’t remember doing it, no, but it sounds like the kind of think I’d do haha
Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Somehow I doubt it since he’s gay. And we’ve been best friends since we were 6, so it’d be fucked up to do that. Also, I’m not interested in him that way anyway.
If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, would you do it?
Hmm. I’m against drugs, but I think it depends on how I’m feeling at the time. Sometimes I don’t give two shits whether I live to see another day or not.
If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
I want to say yes (dude they’re my favourite movies!) but it depends on the situation. I mentally put myself in the victims’ places sometimes and there is NO WAY IN HELL. I could do what Amanda did though, cut a key out of some dude’s intestine.
When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with friends?
I haven’t been in a photo booth in YEARRRSS. But S and her boy L and I took a load of pics of ourselves when we went out on the town a month or two ago.
On average what do you think you cry about the most?
Everything. Seriously. I cry because I’m depressed about my love life or my family or just my life in general. And I also cry because I’m a fat fucking cow.
Who was the last guy you talked to?
One of the dudes I work with.
Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Not really. Although you can make new ones. That sounds contradictory but I dunno how to explain it really. My best friend V and I are still tight, but she still lives in Canada. Now I’m also best buddies with S, but it doesn’t mean that she’s “replaced” V.
Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
I’m going to assume that the last person I held hands with was the boyfriend I had after the Ex Who Left Me For That Bitch, since there hasn’t been any romance at all since then. And OH MY GOD FUCK NO! EEEWW
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Yeah, I helped my ex pay off his debt and then tadaaah, he left me. Also probably my mom since she had me when she was 17, haha
What friends do you tell the most?
You guys.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Probably my aunt…
Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
At work?
Are you going anywhere next summer?
I think we’re planning to go to Canada next September (and S and L might be coming with, that would ROCK)
Are you waiting for anyone's call or text right now?
Waiting to see if K texts me back (K is an ED-buddy)
Are you shy?
Sometimes
Are you talkative?
Yeah, if I’m not in my shy-mode
Do you secretly like someone?
Nope
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, although often people can tell if something’s wrong. Or they accuse me of being a bitch or shout “What’s wrong with you!?” when I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m hopelessly depressed and trying not to cry. Thanks for the support.
How is life going for you right now?
My work life is okay. My home life is average. But overall not fabulous.
Do you trust people easily?
Ahahah. No
Do you give out second chances easily?
No.
Do you smile a lot?
I smile all the time, even though inside I’m often upset. Even when I’m not feeling great or have a headache, I find myself smiling and joking around at work. It’s funny, a friend of mine said to me via Facebook recently that I’m always so happy, even though while I was in high school with him I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I guess I give off the happy vibe because I’m a joker and laugh a lot.
One thing you're looking forward to.
Having time off work, coming BACK from Canada, seeing my friends and mom/bro/sis in Canada, going to Cancun this December, LOSING WEIGHT!
How do you feel about change?
My life is constantly changing, but I deal.
Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes
Are you happy?
Right now I’m completely apathetic and indifferent.
Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself?
It depends, most of the time recently I prefer to be left alone. And then I want to cancel plans I have with people (like shopping with S). But then once I make myself go out there, I enjoy myself.
*** Re: the Britney Spears CD. This is a lame story, but here goes. I’ve never been into Britney (although her more recent stuff isn’t too bad). But for my 16th birthday my mom bought me the Oops, I Did It Again single. Yeah. I don’t actually have it anymore, but I thought it was a funny story.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Little Battles
I had no idea what to title this, so forgive me.
Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.
Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.
A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.
But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.
The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.
But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.
So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.
And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.
And people, I refuse to fail. =]
Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.
Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.
A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.
But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.
The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.
But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.
So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.
And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.
And people, I refuse to fail. =]
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
A little mid-morning introspection (and more about me than you ever wanted to know)
I don't know exactly what triggered this inward discussion. But on the weekend, I started thinking about myself, prying inside my own mind. And I... I don't even know how to put this into words so that it makes sense... So expect much nonsensical rambling.
Basically, I'm... largely unable to articulate my emotions. I can't say what I feel. And a lot of that has to do with being so bound and oppressed for so long that I no longer feel comfortable doing so. It's hard for me to say how I feel. On here is one thing, because it's anonymous and I can say what I really think without fear of backlash. But reality is another issue altogether.
Growing up for me was hard. I didn't have a particularly happy childhood, and I know that same thing can go for a lot of people in this community, too. I had to grow up at a young age, and before I was a teenager I was playing the adult. At the time there was nothing odd about this, it was just how my life was. But looking back, I never really got to experience a real childhood, to live life the way every other teenager does.
My mom was only 17 when she had me, and I hate to say this but I think she was too young, and somewhat ill-equipped for the job of motherhood. She married my father when I was a couple months old, but they divorced before I was 2. My father could be abusive, and one of my earliest memories is of hiding underneath a table while my dad choked my mom in the kitchen - then, my mom crying and getting me to go stay with my grandparents.
When the marriage eventually and inevitably ended, we lived with my grandparents and my aunt. I may have mentioned this before, but my aunt was only 14 when I was born, and maybe that relatively small age gap is one of the reasons we're so close. And also because she played a big role on my childhood.
Almost immediately after divorcing my father, my mom started seeing who is now my stepfather. I have very few memories of my early life - I remember getting horrific sunburn on my back when I was living with my grandmother, around the age of 3 or 4. I remember a drawer at my dad's house that I used to keep a ton of stuffed animals in - a parrot in particular - although I don't remember my dad's house or my weekends there with him. I do remember playing Uno with him, and riding on the back of his motorcycle with my fingers tucked into his beltloops.
I don't remember much. But I remember always hating my stepfather.
Maybe my life would have been a little different if he had stuck around, but I honestly don't think so, nor do I like to waste my time on the "maybe"s and "what if"s. To make a long story short, the last time I saw my dad was on my 6th birthday, when he turned up to tell my mom he didn't want to see me anymore. By this time we were already living with my stepfather and my half-sister had been born.
My grandmother constantly tries to push me to get back into contact with him, but I don't actually want to. I don't see the point. She professes that probably my stepfather threatened him to stay away or something. But in the years following, my dad still did some pretty shitty things that can't be blamed on anyone else but him. For example, when I had to apply for a new passport when I was 12 or so before I came to England for the summer. My dad had to sign the application form, and when my mom called to ask him to, he laughed and refused. Until my mom told him that if he didn't, she would be suing him for all the child support he hadn't paid since I was 6. Stuff like that.
I never really thought about him over the years, until I found out when I was 16 or 17 that he had adopted my cousin, who was a girl the same age as me. Suddenly, all the feelings came flooding forward. Because it wasn't just that he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to have a daughter who was a teenager already at his age. It was that he didn't want me.
But I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. How, ten years later I was finally feeling the sting of his abandonment. Because by this time, I had already learned how to master and suppress my emotions, to a fault. I didn't know how to let myself feel it or vent it.
I should skip back a little and explain. When I was a kid, I used to tell my grandmother everything. I used to spend weekends at her house and we used to talk through the night about everything and nothing at all. I used to vent to her about all of the shit going on at home - my stepfather is an abusive asshole and always had been.
I vividly remember him screaming and shouting at me, just because I was there. My brother and sister had been fighting and of course I would ALWAYS get pulled into the crossfire, even if I wasn't at home when the reason for his rage had happened. And he ALWAYS overreacted to a ridiculous degree. I remember that he used to threaten to give us away, tell us to pack our bags because he was going to call child welfare to take us away because he didn't want us. I remember actually keeping a tally chart hidden behind one of the small posters by my lower-level bunk bed in the room I shared with my sister, of the number of times he made this threat.
The tally had reached 13 in the space of a few weeks by the time I gave up.
I remember being so completely terrified of him that I would shut down, I couldn't think or talk or move, could only cover my face with my hands and sob and tremble uncontrollably, hyperventilating until I felt faint. But of course, if I cried I got screamed at more, got slapped because I "needed a reason to cry".
My stepfather stopped hitting for the most part by the time I was a teenager. Me, anyway. He used to use whatever was around to hit my brother and sister, and I used to tell my mom and she would yell at him. My mom always said that she believed in corrective smacking - but NOT in hitting your hid with an object or anything other than an open hand. I actually can't remember my mom ever so much as slapping me. I never gave her a reason to.
My stepfather however, grew up in a house of alcoholics, where his father used to beat him with leather belts and his mom used to hit him with wire coathangers. My stepfather is an alcoholic with serious rage issues, and he used to take that out on anyone around him. The doorframe around his bedroom door broke, and he kept a large, long piece of wood to hit my brother and sister with, until I told my mom and she made him break it and throw it away. I even remember one afternoon where my stepdad was shouting at my brother over something trivial, and he called him a "fucking cocksucker" and picked him up by the throat and threw him onto the living room couch.
He used to lock our dog in the basement when we went out or while he was at work and we were at school - for HOURS at a time. And then he used to beat and kick the shit out of that dog when he got home from work and he had pooped on the floor.
I was SO GLAD when that dog ran away.
I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't hate him with my entire being.
Before my mom married him, when I was maybe 8 years old, I remember taking her aside and asking her not to marry him, begging her not to marry him. Of course, I was ignored. Maybe, if she'd listened to me, I would have been able to save her life.
When I was in high school, things just got worse. When I was 10 or 12, my grandparents and aunt moved back to England, leaving us, in a sense, alone. I remember having to work on the weekends at my mom's place washing dishes just so I would have enough money to replace the single pair of black trousers that I had to wear to school, in which a huge hole had worn through the inner thigh. I remember being in high school and having to walk to school through hip-deep snow in -50 degree weather in the winter, with shoes that barely had the soles hanging onto them. I remember coming home from school having not eaten anything all day, and having nothing in the cupboards - having to wait until my mom got home at 9:30 at night so we could have something to eat when she brought fast food home with her from her job.
Because buying beer and marijuana and making sure my stepfather had everything he wanted was much, much more important.
When I was in 10th grade, the shit hit the fan with force. By this time, I had shut down. I lived in my basement bedroom and spent as much time away from the house as I could. I stayed at my friends' house on the weekends, and if my stepfather was on the day shift, I would go to work with my mom if she was working evenings. I used to sit in the back and do dishes, even if I wasn't getting paid for it, because by god, it was better than being at home without my mom acting as a buffer from her husband. When she wasn't around he was always worse, and would almost always bitch at us ABOUT HER. As if her numerous failings and incompetencies (as numbered by him) were a direct result of our existence.
One night in particular, I'd gone to work with mom. My stepdad had stopped by for something to eat around 6 and was in a good enough mood, then. But when he picked us up after work around 9:45, it was immediately obvious he was in a mood. He tore off before my mom's door was even shut and ignored her when she cheerfully greeted him. Speeding dangerously home, he suddenly started shouting at me, saying I was not to leave the house until he told me it was okay. That I was grounded and would not be going to work with my mom again.
I had NO IDEA what I had done. But I was unsurprised.
When we got home, I went to my room and cried silently in the way I had learned long ago. To this day, I can't have a proper cry, I can't sob. All I can do is sit quietly as the tears roll rapidly down my cheek.
The house was tense and we all walked on eggshells. Which was, again, nothing new. For years, whenever he was on the night shift, more nights than not I would be woken up when he came home at 4 in the morning, slamming the door, stomping around, and then bashing through the kitchen so noisily I expected to find the entire living and kitchen area destroyed when I finally got up. I was always SO terrified that he was going to come wake me up - he had been known to wake everyone up to yell at us in this manner before.
For so, SO long, all I wanted was to die.
But anyway, a few days after the after-work incident.. it was a Friday. Fridays, my brother and sister's school finished at 12ish, and my high school got out around 2. So we were all at home in the afternoon. Mom and Him were at work, both due home around 6:30. I'd filled the sink with dishes and soapy water, and my brother and sister were in the living room playing (I'd been babysitting them since I was around 9 years old), when someone knocked on the door. My brother ran down to answer it (he was around 10 or 11 at this time) and next thing a woman walked into the kitchen.
Turns out my sister had told her guidance counsellor at school what had happened That Night, and she had in turn called child welfare, who had in turn called the police - about an hour later two police officers turned up.
That Night, my brother had gone to a friend's house after school. My stepfather told him to come home at 7, but he didn't. My stepfather called several times and my brother refused to come home. So he drove there. He physically dragged my brother out to the car, where he hit him several times, both open and closed-fisted. When they got home, he pulled off his belt and hit him again. So hard that the leather snapped and he left a huge welt on one side of my brother's ass. When the belt snapped, he picked up my brother's hockey stick and hit him with that.
Yeah. If I had known what had happened, I would have called the fucking police myself.
My brother and sister gave statements and my mom cried and glared accusingly at my stepfather - it was the first she'd heard of what had happened. He'd told my mom he's "smacked" my brother, but not that he'd beat him with fists, a belt, and a hockey stick.
After that, my stepfather had a huge vendetta against my sister. He would overreact and scream at her more than usual over any little thing. That summer, he made her stay at a friend's house for a week so he wouldn't have to see her. Even now, my sister blames herself for all of the shit that ensued in the family. My stepfather blamed her - but she had done the right thing!
In the end, he got off with a suspended sentence and community service OR a fine. He paid the fine, and bitched at my brother and sister and I because he couldnt' afford it and it was our fault he had to pay it.
I remember before the trial, my mom taking me aside and saying "if the judge wants to talk to you and ask about what kind of a person is, please tell her he's a good father etc etc." To keep the peace. YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT. In the end, because I wasn't present when it happened and had no knowledge of it, I had no part in it at all. And I kind of wish I had.
That was when I decided I needed to get the fuck away. That's why, when the opportunity presented itself to MOVE to England instead of just going to stay for six months, I fucking leapt.
All of this is to say that I was forced from a relatively young age to shut down and not show my emotions. I couldn't tell people what I thought or felt because I had to "keep the peace". Lord only knows what would have happened if I had actually stood up to His Assholishness. It took me years to work through some of those barriers, but a lot are still in place.
The year I moved here, I was talking to a friend over the phone and we were joking around when I realized I couldn't even LAUGH properly. I'd laugh closed-throated, so there was barely a sound. It was more of a kept-inside snicker. And I had to physically make myself stop doing that. Because it was okay!
I still can't cry properly. Even after my ex left me for another woman and my world came crashing down around me, when everything hurt so much worse than it ever had in my life before, I couldn't give myself over to the breakdown that wanted to happen. That probably NEEDED To happen so that I could move on a lot sooner than I did.
And I can't say what I feel. I can't say I love you unless it's already been said. I can't tell someone when they make me angry. I can't tell someone when something they've done has upset me. Because in the past if I ever did, there was always a backlash. Even telling my ex that I was upset by something, he used to get mad at me for crying and say I was stupid for getting upset for some stupid reason.
And I can't bring myself to tell someone when what they're doing is hurting / annoying / whatever-ing me. Because I've got some deep-rooted survival instinct that stops me from doing it. Deep down I always expect there to be some huge backlash everytime I say something. Whether it's going to come or not, I can't help it.
This is a lot, lot longer than I was anticipating. It was originally meant to just be an explanation of my emotional ineptitude - actually, that's not right. I'm a very emotional person, I'm pretty moody, I get irritated easily and I can cry over anything. I guess what I mean is just my inability to show it or say it. But in order to explain that I felt like I had to give some background information as to why that barrier is there.
Maybe one day I'll get past it, but I don't know.
Also, I want to add that writing this was painful. Because it felt a lot like reliving it. And writing about my mother's husband made my chest constrict with such a high level of anxiety as I haven't felt in a long time.
Oh yeah, I'm so looking forward to visiting my mom and her husband at the end of August. =/
**PS: although I said that "maybe if she had listened I would have been able to save her life" I want to clarify that my mom is alive - but she has no "life" to speak of. He's crushed her down so far that she no longer feels worth anything. She doesn't bother to take care of herself because she's not worth the effort. She has only one or two friends, who she rarely sees, and she does absolutely nothing but sit at home and take care of his needs.
Basically, I'm... largely unable to articulate my emotions. I can't say what I feel. And a lot of that has to do with being so bound and oppressed for so long that I no longer feel comfortable doing so. It's hard for me to say how I feel. On here is one thing, because it's anonymous and I can say what I really think without fear of backlash. But reality is another issue altogether.
Growing up for me was hard. I didn't have a particularly happy childhood, and I know that same thing can go for a lot of people in this community, too. I had to grow up at a young age, and before I was a teenager I was playing the adult. At the time there was nothing odd about this, it was just how my life was. But looking back, I never really got to experience a real childhood, to live life the way every other teenager does.
My mom was only 17 when she had me, and I hate to say this but I think she was too young, and somewhat ill-equipped for the job of motherhood. She married my father when I was a couple months old, but they divorced before I was 2. My father could be abusive, and one of my earliest memories is of hiding underneath a table while my dad choked my mom in the kitchen - then, my mom crying and getting me to go stay with my grandparents.
When the marriage eventually and inevitably ended, we lived with my grandparents and my aunt. I may have mentioned this before, but my aunt was only 14 when I was born, and maybe that relatively small age gap is one of the reasons we're so close. And also because she played a big role on my childhood.
Almost immediately after divorcing my father, my mom started seeing who is now my stepfather. I have very few memories of my early life - I remember getting horrific sunburn on my back when I was living with my grandmother, around the age of 3 or 4. I remember a drawer at my dad's house that I used to keep a ton of stuffed animals in - a parrot in particular - although I don't remember my dad's house or my weekends there with him. I do remember playing Uno with him, and riding on the back of his motorcycle with my fingers tucked into his beltloops.
I don't remember much. But I remember always hating my stepfather.
Maybe my life would have been a little different if he had stuck around, but I honestly don't think so, nor do I like to waste my time on the "maybe"s and "what if"s. To make a long story short, the last time I saw my dad was on my 6th birthday, when he turned up to tell my mom he didn't want to see me anymore. By this time we were already living with my stepfather and my half-sister had been born.
My grandmother constantly tries to push me to get back into contact with him, but I don't actually want to. I don't see the point. She professes that probably my stepfather threatened him to stay away or something. But in the years following, my dad still did some pretty shitty things that can't be blamed on anyone else but him. For example, when I had to apply for a new passport when I was 12 or so before I came to England for the summer. My dad had to sign the application form, and when my mom called to ask him to, he laughed and refused. Until my mom told him that if he didn't, she would be suing him for all the child support he hadn't paid since I was 6. Stuff like that.
I never really thought about him over the years, until I found out when I was 16 or 17 that he had adopted my cousin, who was a girl the same age as me. Suddenly, all the feelings came flooding forward. Because it wasn't just that he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to have a daughter who was a teenager already at his age. It was that he didn't want me.
But I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. How, ten years later I was finally feeling the sting of his abandonment. Because by this time, I had already learned how to master and suppress my emotions, to a fault. I didn't know how to let myself feel it or vent it.
I should skip back a little and explain. When I was a kid, I used to tell my grandmother everything. I used to spend weekends at her house and we used to talk through the night about everything and nothing at all. I used to vent to her about all of the shit going on at home - my stepfather is an abusive asshole and always had been.
I vividly remember him screaming and shouting at me, just because I was there. My brother and sister had been fighting and of course I would ALWAYS get pulled into the crossfire, even if I wasn't at home when the reason for his rage had happened. And he ALWAYS overreacted to a ridiculous degree. I remember that he used to threaten to give us away, tell us to pack our bags because he was going to call child welfare to take us away because he didn't want us. I remember actually keeping a tally chart hidden behind one of the small posters by my lower-level bunk bed in the room I shared with my sister, of the number of times he made this threat.
The tally had reached 13 in the space of a few weeks by the time I gave up.
I remember being so completely terrified of him that I would shut down, I couldn't think or talk or move, could only cover my face with my hands and sob and tremble uncontrollably, hyperventilating until I felt faint. But of course, if I cried I got screamed at more, got slapped because I "needed a reason to cry".
My stepfather stopped hitting for the most part by the time I was a teenager. Me, anyway. He used to use whatever was around to hit my brother and sister, and I used to tell my mom and she would yell at him. My mom always said that she believed in corrective smacking - but NOT in hitting your hid with an object or anything other than an open hand. I actually can't remember my mom ever so much as slapping me. I never gave her a reason to.
My stepfather however, grew up in a house of alcoholics, where his father used to beat him with leather belts and his mom used to hit him with wire coathangers. My stepfather is an alcoholic with serious rage issues, and he used to take that out on anyone around him. The doorframe around his bedroom door broke, and he kept a large, long piece of wood to hit my brother and sister with, until I told my mom and she made him break it and throw it away. I even remember one afternoon where my stepdad was shouting at my brother over something trivial, and he called him a "fucking cocksucker" and picked him up by the throat and threw him onto the living room couch.
He used to lock our dog in the basement when we went out or while he was at work and we were at school - for HOURS at a time. And then he used to beat and kick the shit out of that dog when he got home from work and he had pooped on the floor.
I was SO GLAD when that dog ran away.
I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't hate him with my entire being.
Before my mom married him, when I was maybe 8 years old, I remember taking her aside and asking her not to marry him, begging her not to marry him. Of course, I was ignored. Maybe, if she'd listened to me, I would have been able to save her life.
When I was in high school, things just got worse. When I was 10 or 12, my grandparents and aunt moved back to England, leaving us, in a sense, alone. I remember having to work on the weekends at my mom's place washing dishes just so I would have enough money to replace the single pair of black trousers that I had to wear to school, in which a huge hole had worn through the inner thigh. I remember being in high school and having to walk to school through hip-deep snow in -50 degree weather in the winter, with shoes that barely had the soles hanging onto them. I remember coming home from school having not eaten anything all day, and having nothing in the cupboards - having to wait until my mom got home at 9:30 at night so we could have something to eat when she brought fast food home with her from her job.
Because buying beer and marijuana and making sure my stepfather had everything he wanted was much, much more important.
When I was in 10th grade, the shit hit the fan with force. By this time, I had shut down. I lived in my basement bedroom and spent as much time away from the house as I could. I stayed at my friends' house on the weekends, and if my stepfather was on the day shift, I would go to work with my mom if she was working evenings. I used to sit in the back and do dishes, even if I wasn't getting paid for it, because by god, it was better than being at home without my mom acting as a buffer from her husband. When she wasn't around he was always worse, and would almost always bitch at us ABOUT HER. As if her numerous failings and incompetencies (as numbered by him) were a direct result of our existence.
One night in particular, I'd gone to work with mom. My stepdad had stopped by for something to eat around 6 and was in a good enough mood, then. But when he picked us up after work around 9:45, it was immediately obvious he was in a mood. He tore off before my mom's door was even shut and ignored her when she cheerfully greeted him. Speeding dangerously home, he suddenly started shouting at me, saying I was not to leave the house until he told me it was okay. That I was grounded and would not be going to work with my mom again.
I had NO IDEA what I had done. But I was unsurprised.
When we got home, I went to my room and cried silently in the way I had learned long ago. To this day, I can't have a proper cry, I can't sob. All I can do is sit quietly as the tears roll rapidly down my cheek.
The house was tense and we all walked on eggshells. Which was, again, nothing new. For years, whenever he was on the night shift, more nights than not I would be woken up when he came home at 4 in the morning, slamming the door, stomping around, and then bashing through the kitchen so noisily I expected to find the entire living and kitchen area destroyed when I finally got up. I was always SO terrified that he was going to come wake me up - he had been known to wake everyone up to yell at us in this manner before.
For so, SO long, all I wanted was to die.
But anyway, a few days after the after-work incident.. it was a Friday. Fridays, my brother and sister's school finished at 12ish, and my high school got out around 2. So we were all at home in the afternoon. Mom and Him were at work, both due home around 6:30. I'd filled the sink with dishes and soapy water, and my brother and sister were in the living room playing (I'd been babysitting them since I was around 9 years old), when someone knocked on the door. My brother ran down to answer it (he was around 10 or 11 at this time) and next thing a woman walked into the kitchen.
Turns out my sister had told her guidance counsellor at school what had happened That Night, and she had in turn called child welfare, who had in turn called the police - about an hour later two police officers turned up.
That Night, my brother had gone to a friend's house after school. My stepfather told him to come home at 7, but he didn't. My stepfather called several times and my brother refused to come home. So he drove there. He physically dragged my brother out to the car, where he hit him several times, both open and closed-fisted. When they got home, he pulled off his belt and hit him again. So hard that the leather snapped and he left a huge welt on one side of my brother's ass. When the belt snapped, he picked up my brother's hockey stick and hit him with that.
Yeah. If I had known what had happened, I would have called the fucking police myself.
My brother and sister gave statements and my mom cried and glared accusingly at my stepfather - it was the first she'd heard of what had happened. He'd told my mom he's "smacked" my brother, but not that he'd beat him with fists, a belt, and a hockey stick.
After that, my stepfather had a huge vendetta against my sister. He would overreact and scream at her more than usual over any little thing. That summer, he made her stay at a friend's house for a week so he wouldn't have to see her. Even now, my sister blames herself for all of the shit that ensued in the family. My stepfather blamed her - but she had done the right thing!
In the end, he got off with a suspended sentence and community service OR a fine. He paid the fine, and bitched at my brother and sister and I because he couldnt' afford it and it was our fault he had to pay it.
I remember before the trial, my mom taking me aside and saying "if the judge wants to talk to you and ask about what kind of a person is, please tell her he's a good father etc etc." To keep the peace. YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT. In the end, because I wasn't present when it happened and had no knowledge of it, I had no part in it at all. And I kind of wish I had.
That was when I decided I needed to get the fuck away. That's why, when the opportunity presented itself to MOVE to England instead of just going to stay for six months, I fucking leapt.
All of this is to say that I was forced from a relatively young age to shut down and not show my emotions. I couldn't tell people what I thought or felt because I had to "keep the peace". Lord only knows what would have happened if I had actually stood up to His Assholishness. It took me years to work through some of those barriers, but a lot are still in place.
The year I moved here, I was talking to a friend over the phone and we were joking around when I realized I couldn't even LAUGH properly. I'd laugh closed-throated, so there was barely a sound. It was more of a kept-inside snicker. And I had to physically make myself stop doing that. Because it was okay!
I still can't cry properly. Even after my ex left me for another woman and my world came crashing down around me, when everything hurt so much worse than it ever had in my life before, I couldn't give myself over to the breakdown that wanted to happen. That probably NEEDED To happen so that I could move on a lot sooner than I did.
And I can't say what I feel. I can't say I love you unless it's already been said. I can't tell someone when they make me angry. I can't tell someone when something they've done has upset me. Because in the past if I ever did, there was always a backlash. Even telling my ex that I was upset by something, he used to get mad at me for crying and say I was stupid for getting upset for some stupid reason.
And I can't bring myself to tell someone when what they're doing is hurting / annoying / whatever-ing me. Because I've got some deep-rooted survival instinct that stops me from doing it. Deep down I always expect there to be some huge backlash everytime I say something. Whether it's going to come or not, I can't help it.
This is a lot, lot longer than I was anticipating. It was originally meant to just be an explanation of my emotional ineptitude - actually, that's not right. I'm a very emotional person, I'm pretty moody, I get irritated easily and I can cry over anything. I guess what I mean is just my inability to show it or say it. But in order to explain that I felt like I had to give some background information as to why that barrier is there.
Maybe one day I'll get past it, but I don't know.
Also, I want to add that writing this was painful. Because it felt a lot like reliving it. And writing about my mother's husband made my chest constrict with such a high level of anxiety as I haven't felt in a long time.
Oh yeah, I'm so looking forward to visiting my mom and her husband at the end of August. =/
**PS: although I said that "maybe if she had listened I would have been able to save her life" I want to clarify that my mom is alive - but she has no "life" to speak of. He's crushed her down so far that she no longer feels worth anything. She doesn't bother to take care of herself because she's not worth the effort. She has only one or two friends, who she rarely sees, and she does absolutely nothing but sit at home and take care of his needs.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Also..
My motherfucking nails keep peeling and it is pissing me off. I've been using this nail strengthener gel for the past 6 weeks or so and they are STILL PEELING. The worst part is that it peels down below the nailbed so I can't just clip off the peeley part and let it grow back. I'm hacking them all off tonight and see what happens. God damn it.
I mean, I know this is due to a vitamin deficiency. Must remember to take vitamins...
I mean, I know this is due to a vitamin deficiency. Must remember to take vitamins...
On Shooting Yourself In The Foot
Damnit.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Okay, so I lied
One more post today.
Just to complain that Blogger needs to have a more user-friendly interface when it comes to viewing comments. I'm trying to find one specific comment that led me to somebody's blog, and from the Dashboard I can't for the life of me remember which blog it was to begin with, so I'm having to load up every single post in its own window (work's computer's do not have tabbed browsing) to skim through the comments.
And jesus, girls, I write a LOT.
I also noticed I say the word "digress/ing" at least twice in every other post. Repetition is bad. Find some synonyms, Vee!
Ehehehehehe.
Random giggle.
There's this guy that works up the office from me. I've never spoken to him in my life or anything. But now when I see him I giggle. It's all because one of the men in my team pointed out that he looks like Mr Tumnis from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe (Holy long title, Batman!) (...I also use a lot of parentheses) and he walks with a weird gait that makes him look like he's walking on goat legs. Disappointingly today though, he shaved his weird jawline-following-almost-a-beard-thing so he looks less Fawn-ey than usual.
Still, giggle inducing!
Fuck, I keep reading things online and I'm so behind on my work and I'm leaving in an hour and a half. I need to kick myself in the ass. Although, an hour and a half is probably ample time to get the 4 pieces of work out that are still on my desk to do. Hmm. Whatever, I need to stop killing time.
Although... the whole reason I opened this to begin with is because of work haha. I was just finishing up a letter and I need to include with it a booklet that gives details of some bonus rates (I work in pensions, it's all very boring) and when I went to search for it in my work email, the fucking email client froze. So I thought, while I wait for it to find what I want, I'll post a little blog entry. But before I did that I was looking through my comments. And now I'm rambling again because I rock out loud. And my email client is STILL frozen, because the systems in this place are fuckin' fantastic.
Bleh, I guess this means I have to restart. Which will take around 12 minutes. Huzzah.
I'm tired, I just want to go home at this point. Tummy is feeling empty but no hunger pains or growliness. Instead of being happy about this I am now at the point of craving the feeling of hunger. Bring it!
Vee xox
Just to complain that Blogger needs to have a more user-friendly interface when it comes to viewing comments. I'm trying to find one specific comment that led me to somebody's blog, and from the Dashboard I can't for the life of me remember which blog it was to begin with, so I'm having to load up every single post in its own window (work's computer's do not have tabbed browsing) to skim through the comments.
And jesus, girls, I write a LOT.
I also noticed I say the word "digress/ing" at least twice in every other post. Repetition is bad. Find some synonyms, Vee!
Ehehehehehe.
Random giggle.
There's this guy that works up the office from me. I've never spoken to him in my life or anything. But now when I see him I giggle. It's all because one of the men in my team pointed out that he looks like Mr Tumnis from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe (Holy long title, Batman!) (...I also use a lot of parentheses) and he walks with a weird gait that makes him look like he's walking on goat legs. Disappointingly today though, he shaved his weird jawline-following-almost-a-beard-thing so he looks less Fawn-ey than usual.
Still, giggle inducing!
Fuck, I keep reading things online and I'm so behind on my work and I'm leaving in an hour and a half. I need to kick myself in the ass. Although, an hour and a half is probably ample time to get the 4 pieces of work out that are still on my desk to do. Hmm. Whatever, I need to stop killing time.
Although... the whole reason I opened this to begin with is because of work haha. I was just finishing up a letter and I need to include with it a booklet that gives details of some bonus rates (I work in pensions, it's all very boring) and when I went to search for it in my work email, the fucking email client froze. So I thought, while I wait for it to find what I want, I'll post a little blog entry. But before I did that I was looking through my comments. And now I'm rambling again because I rock out loud. And my email client is STILL frozen, because the systems in this place are fuckin' fantastic.
Bleh, I guess this means I have to restart. Which will take around 12 minutes. Huzzah.
I'm tired, I just want to go home at this point. Tummy is feeling empty but no hunger pains or growliness. Instead of being happy about this I am now at the point of craving the feeling of hunger. Bring it!
Vee xox
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Headache!
Bleh.
First things first: no weigh in today. Or tomorrow, probably.
Last night, around 10-10:30ish I was on my computer chatting to a good friend of mine. I'm running out of abbreviations here. I can't call him J because J is my aunt's partner and I can't call him D because D is my best guyfriend back home. So we'll call him J2. And also the "J that has a penis"
So anyway. We were chatting and being generally bitchy and irritated with the world at large, which is kind of our thing. He may or may not be losing his job due to his regional managers being gay retards (he manages a store) and the fact that they do not like that he is a human being to his staff. GOD FORBID. THAT IS BAD. Although, as I told him last night:
"So basically you're maybe losing your job because you're NOT an asshole who shits on people for fun? Well no, technically you ARE an asshole, just not to peoples' faces. So that doesn't count."
Anyway, suddenly I started getting the odd random lights flashing in front of my eyes. I just call them "flashies" but I guess the current scientific/medical term is a "migraine aura" or something. My aunt gets them nearly every time she's about to get a migraine. I do not get them often at all. I think in the past 17++ years of suffering from migraines, I've had flashies maybe half a dozen times?
Anyway for me, "flashies" mean bad times. I only ever get them if I'm going to get a more horrendous migraine than usual, and you may think "horrendous" and "migraine" are synonyms already and using them together is redundant, and ordinarily you would be right. But migraine attacks preceded by flashies are, for me, something I would gladly trade for a night in the woods with a serial killer. Or maybe an embolism?
So, bad times, I popped some painkillers and went to bed. I've got a headache today but not a proper attack, and I keep getting the occasional flash of light on my periphery. Unfortunately, guess what, NO MIGRAINE MEDS STILL.
The migraine meds I take are not strictly prescription-only (I think they were back in Canada but here if you go to a pharmacy and ask for them and tell them you've had them before they'll give them to you) so I can buy them over the counter at any pharmacy. My doctor tells me to take them, refuses to give me a prescription for something stronger, so I just keep buying them. J (not to be confused with J2 With A Penis)'s doctor has given her a prescription for them, so she just gets it refilled that way.
Now, here's where it gets retarded.
My doctor didn't give me a prescription for THESE ones because the standard cost of prescriptions here is more expensive than standard-size of these anyway. My aunt's partner however has a prescription for the double-size boxes so she essentially gets twice as many pills for nearly the same cost.
Obviously my doctor is an idiot. The reason I don't have any migraine meds right now is because I can't afford to buy them, and also my aunt and J took my last half-dozen pills. Rockin'.
Speaking of my doctor. Two years ago I had some blood tests done. My ex had just left me for another woman and I'd had to move out of our home together and back in with my grandparents. And the stress of it all and the utter heartbreak and depression was taking a huge toll on me. I was being sick every day, had no appetite, couldn't sleep AT ALL, and this feeling of nausea and dizziness was constant, for months. Of course, my doctor assumed off the bat that of course I must be pregnant, even though I told her that A: I'm on the pill and B: my ex CAN NOT HAVE KIDS BECAUSE HIS BODY DOES NOT PRODUCE SPERM. But she was all "hey, anything can happen."
Of course, that came back negative so she decided to do a batch of blood tests to rule out anything scary causing my symptoms - and of course, did another pregnancy test to be sure (and for those weeks my grandmother pissed me off relentlessly by saying EVERY DAY "I think you're pregnant, you know" fuck off please?).
Things came back mostly okay, I didn't have any diseases and wasn't diabetic or anything. I personally thought maybe I'd be anaemic, because I had most of the signs, most specifically the CONSTANT FUCKING FATIGUE. I was surprised to find out my problem was the opposite - my RBC, Haemoglobin and Platelet counts were all marginally too HIGH rather than too low, which it was I was expecting to hear.
My doctor said they weren't so far out of whack as to be panicking or anything (even though all of these things can be signifiers of bigger problems) but said she'd redo the tests in 3 months to see if things are back to normal/have balanced out, or are the same - and to check things aren't getting worse.
I haven't been back to my doctor since, there isn't even a note on my file to say that I should go have tests done. When I called a couple months ago to order a repeat prescription of my BCP, there was nothing, and I'm fucking not about to invite myself over for a blood test that nobody knows anything about.
Wow, I'm rambling so much lately.
Anyway the actual point of this post is just that my head hurts and I want to go home but instead I am stuck at work and it is only 9:30 in the morning. I've been here for an hour but it feels like three. I'm leaving at 4:30 and it can not come fast enough. That's six hours from now. I might actually die of old age before I get to leave.
I'm such a drama queen, I know.
I didn't have time to find a container to put my blueberries in this morning, so instead I've brought a coffee SlimFast for lunch. And, this is probably gross and too much info, but everytime I have coffee slimfast shakes, it makes my pee smell like coffee. And not yummy sweet starbucks coffee either, like really horrible cheap 4p-a-jar instant freeze-dried coffee. From Netto.
First things first: no weigh in today. Or tomorrow, probably.
Last night, around 10-10:30ish I was on my computer chatting to a good friend of mine. I'm running out of abbreviations here. I can't call him J because J is my aunt's partner and I can't call him D because D is my best guyfriend back home. So we'll call him J2. And also the "J that has a penis"
So anyway. We were chatting and being generally bitchy and irritated with the world at large, which is kind of our thing. He may or may not be losing his job due to his regional managers being gay retards (he manages a store) and the fact that they do not like that he is a human being to his staff. GOD FORBID. THAT IS BAD. Although, as I told him last night:
"So basically you're maybe losing your job because you're NOT an asshole who shits on people for fun? Well no, technically you ARE an asshole, just not to peoples' faces. So that doesn't count."
Anyway, suddenly I started getting the odd random lights flashing in front of my eyes. I just call them "flashies" but I guess the current scientific/medical term is a "migraine aura" or something. My aunt gets them nearly every time she's about to get a migraine. I do not get them often at all. I think in the past 17++ years of suffering from migraines, I've had flashies maybe half a dozen times?
Anyway for me, "flashies" mean bad times. I only ever get them if I'm going to get a more horrendous migraine than usual, and you may think "horrendous" and "migraine" are synonyms already and using them together is redundant, and ordinarily you would be right. But migraine attacks preceded by flashies are, for me, something I would gladly trade for a night in the woods with a serial killer. Or maybe an embolism?
So, bad times, I popped some painkillers and went to bed. I've got a headache today but not a proper attack, and I keep getting the occasional flash of light on my periphery. Unfortunately, guess what, NO MIGRAINE MEDS STILL.
The migraine meds I take are not strictly prescription-only (I think they were back in Canada but here if you go to a pharmacy and ask for them and tell them you've had them before they'll give them to you) so I can buy them over the counter at any pharmacy. My doctor tells me to take them, refuses to give me a prescription for something stronger, so I just keep buying them. J (not to be confused with J2 With A Penis)'s doctor has given her a prescription for them, so she just gets it refilled that way.
Now, here's where it gets retarded.
My doctor didn't give me a prescription for THESE ones because the standard cost of prescriptions here is more expensive than standard-size of these anyway. My aunt's partner however has a prescription for the double-size boxes so she essentially gets twice as many pills for nearly the same cost.
Obviously my doctor is an idiot. The reason I don't have any migraine meds right now is because I can't afford to buy them, and also my aunt and J took my last half-dozen pills. Rockin'.
Speaking of my doctor. Two years ago I had some blood tests done. My ex had just left me for another woman and I'd had to move out of our home together and back in with my grandparents. And the stress of it all and the utter heartbreak and depression was taking a huge toll on me. I was being sick every day, had no appetite, couldn't sleep AT ALL, and this feeling of nausea and dizziness was constant, for months. Of course, my doctor assumed off the bat that of course I must be pregnant, even though I told her that A: I'm on the pill and B: my ex CAN NOT HAVE KIDS BECAUSE HIS BODY DOES NOT PRODUCE SPERM. But she was all "hey, anything can happen."
Of course, that came back negative so she decided to do a batch of blood tests to rule out anything scary causing my symptoms - and of course, did another pregnancy test to be sure (and for those weeks my grandmother pissed me off relentlessly by saying EVERY DAY "I think you're pregnant, you know" fuck off please?).
Things came back mostly okay, I didn't have any diseases and wasn't diabetic or anything. I personally thought maybe I'd be anaemic, because I had most of the signs, most specifically the CONSTANT FUCKING FATIGUE. I was surprised to find out my problem was the opposite - my RBC, Haemoglobin and Platelet counts were all marginally too HIGH rather than too low, which it was I was expecting to hear.
My doctor said they weren't so far out of whack as to be panicking or anything (even though all of these things can be signifiers of bigger problems) but said she'd redo the tests in 3 months to see if things are back to normal/have balanced out, or are the same - and to check things aren't getting worse.
I haven't been back to my doctor since, there isn't even a note on my file to say that I should go have tests done. When I called a couple months ago to order a repeat prescription of my BCP, there was nothing, and I'm fucking not about to invite myself over for a blood test that nobody knows anything about.
Wow, I'm rambling so much lately.
Anyway the actual point of this post is just that my head hurts and I want to go home but instead I am stuck at work and it is only 9:30 in the morning. I've been here for an hour but it feels like three. I'm leaving at 4:30 and it can not come fast enough. That's six hours from now. I might actually die of old age before I get to leave.
I'm such a drama queen, I know.
I didn't have time to find a container to put my blueberries in this morning, so instead I've brought a coffee SlimFast for lunch. And, this is probably gross and too much info, but everytime I have coffee slimfast shakes, it makes my pee smell like coffee. And not yummy sweet starbucks coffee either, like really horrible cheap 4p-a-jar instant freeze-dried coffee. From Netto.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Boredom is gnawing away at me
I'm at work. I just finished 8.34 hours worth of work in 2.41 hours.
Which means that I can take the rest of the day relatively easy if I want to. Once I finish the rest of the work that I've got lined up for the day, I'll have done 12.18 hours of work in an 8 hour day.
My job could not be easier. I need to stop bitching about it.
That said, though, I'm bored and wish I had something interesting to occupy my time. I think I'm up to date on blog reading, and I can't afford to shop online, so I don't know what to do with myself now.
Only 5 and a half more hours until I can go home. Bring it on, baby.
Which means that I can take the rest of the day relatively easy if I want to. Once I finish the rest of the work that I've got lined up for the day, I'll have done 12.18 hours of work in an 8 hour day.
My job could not be easier. I need to stop bitching about it.
That said, though, I'm bored and wish I had something interesting to occupy my time. I think I'm up to date on blog reading, and I can't afford to shop online, so I don't know what to do with myself now.
Only 5 and a half more hours until I can go home. Bring it on, baby.
Friday, 1 May 2009
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
I just got home from work. I feel like I'm going to die, be sick, or my head is going to explode. Probably all three.
I just drank a shitton of salty ass water, thank god for the lemon juice - it REALLY helps, girls!
Once the show is over, I'm going to consume some carbs as per some useful advice from a fellow migraine sufferer, and hope that it manages to bring said migraine down from a scream to a whisper.
Meanwhile, I am ransacking the house searching in vain to see if my aunt's partner has any long-forgotten migraine meds stashed somewhere.
I'm guessing not, since she took MY last two pills last week.
Wish me luck.
Also, wondering why I just got home from work, realized I hadn't taken The Pill this morning, swallowed it and then chased it with saltwater. Obviously, explosive.. evacuation.. or orifices... is not conducive to actually absorbing the hormones.
Whatever, it's not like I've been laid in over a fucking year anyway.
Yes, really.
But that's a whole nother story.
Excuse me whilst I go writhe in pain for a while.
I just drank a shitton of salty ass water, thank god for the lemon juice - it REALLY helps, girls!
Once the show is over, I'm going to consume some carbs as per some useful advice from a fellow migraine sufferer, and hope that it manages to bring said migraine down from a scream to a whisper.
Meanwhile, I am ransacking the house searching in vain to see if my aunt's partner has any long-forgotten migraine meds stashed somewhere.
I'm guessing not, since she took MY last two pills last week.
Wish me luck.
Also, wondering why I just got home from work, realized I hadn't taken The Pill this morning, swallowed it and then chased it with saltwater. Obviously, explosive.. evacuation.. or orifices... is not conducive to actually absorbing the hormones.
Whatever, it's not like I've been laid in over a fucking year anyway.
Yes, really.
But that's a whole nother story.
Excuse me whilst I go writhe in pain for a while.
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