Tuesday, 27 January 2009

014: Back on the Bandwagon

It’s been a bad few days.

The past week or so, I’ve had a fairly bad flu, I haven’t felt this horrible in quite a long time. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday, and still don’t feel up to par today. But, today I had to go back to work because to stay off any longer I would need a sick note from my doctor, and I can’t get into my doctor. Even to get antibiotics for my sinus infection, so I'm dosing up on decongestants to see if that will clear them out. Ugh.

I made the (probably stupid) decision to come off ABC for a few days to try to get past this. I’ve still been restricting and staying well under 700 calories a day, but I figured I needed to get some more nutrients than I have been. On the weekend I also went and bought some multivitamins, and some more calcium supplements, as I know I’ll need them to proceed with ABC and restricting – I already have a low immune system and I don’t want to wind up making myself sick again because I’m not getting vitamins and crap.

Anyway, I don’t know why I bothered. I woke up Wednesday morning at around 194lbs. After being horrifically sick on Wednesday, Thursday morning I woke up feeling exhausted and wonderfully weak and down to 191.5lbs, give or take a tenth or so. Then I managed to gain back a pound and a half over the weekend. At first I couldn’t understand why I had gained a little, when I’ve been eating under 700 calories a day. But then, on the other hand, I’ve been doing nothing but laying in bed feeling miserable for the past several days, so it’s probably the utter lack of activity that did it.

As of today I’m jumping back into ABC on Day 6 (a 200 day). I still feel like an absolute ball of shit, but if I’m not getting any better I don’t see the point in pulling away from ABC at all. I was going to restart the whole thing but I don’t want to have the 500 days right now. So the 200 day today is perfect. I have no food at all at work to eat, so I’ll be having nothing but green tea and water until I get home. And then I might have either part of a 300 calorie frozen meal, or a 200 calorie slimfast, and go to bed early.

Being so sick over the weekend, and my aunts being busy decorating, I didn’t get a chance to move the treadmill into my bedroom, so hopefully this coming weekend we’ll be able to. Either way, once I’m not sick, I’m going to start hitting the gym again, and to do some working out in my bedroom every night. I LOVE the burning feeling that those leg-lift crunches give me <3

In other news, my aunts are on the anti-diet right now. One got a referral for gastric bypass surgery yesterday and should get an appointment to meet with a surgeon in the main in the next month or so. My aunt figured out she needs to gain 16lbs to reach the target BMI of 50 to qualify. So all weekend they’ve been eating total crap, my aunt is eating WELL over 3,000 calories a day (After work last night she had at least 3,000 in a single sitting), trying to put on the weight by this Friday. Watching them devour total junk all the time makes me feel sick. And only strengthens my resolve.

I’m determined to lose my own weight before they do, and without any damned surgery to do it.

I have the willpower that they lack.

I miss that wonderful weak and shaky feeling. I’m hoping that now that I’m back on ABC I can get it back.

Keep chasing the dream!

Also, thanks for your comments and support. I truly appreciate it =]

Vee xx

Thursday, 22 January 2009

009: A Day off from ABC

So, I am so sick right now it's fucking ridiculous. I feel worse today than I did yesterday. I slept maybe a total of two hours in ten to fifteen minutes stints last night. It was agonizing, beign SO tired and feeling SO ubershitty, but being completely and totally unable to get to sleep. I spent half of today in bed, still not sleeping, finally got up to go online and realized I didn't have the energy or will to find something to do. I went downstairs while a friend of ours came over, and that's about it.

I feel horrible.

Although, I DID wake up 191.6lbs - down 9.8lbs since when I started this journey, so yay.

I think I need to take a day or two off from ABC. I KNOW I'm not going to get over this flu or whatever it is unless I'm eating at least a little more than I have been. The worst part is, I'm not even hungry. I've had a pack of Roast Chicken Fridge Raiders, and two little Weight Watcher's cakes, so I've had just over around 300 calories today, and I'm not hungry. On a normal day, I would leave it at that.

My housemates are going for Chinese though, and I might get some fried rice. Comfort food to make me feel better and also a few extra nutrients to help boost my immune system. Which reminds me I forgot my Vitamin C this morning, not good.

I'll be back on ABC tomorrow or the day after, once this feels like it's starting to try to begin lifting, but right now I don't want to make myself sicker by eating nothing.

Stay stronger than me, beautiful ladies,

Vee xxx

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

008.2: Cutting Through Just Like Champagne Petals

I can’t concentrate on anything. I’ve literally been sat here staring at nothing for a while. I have three more pieces of work to do and I might blitz them out of the way and drop them later so I can chill for a while this afternoon, and it still looks like I’ve done work steadily all afternoon.

I hate being sick. My energy reserves are tenuous at the best of times, and right now I feel entirely wiped. And, if possible, I feel worse now than when I woke up this morning. My throat hurts all the time now, instead of just while moving, talking, swallowing or god forbid yawning. I can feel the swollen gland on the left side throbbing constantly. My inner ear canals are sore and they itch, and the itching is driving me crazy. I’m starting to feel sick just from the mucous in my nose and possibly chest. My green tea is giving me heartburn. Well no, it’s not really the green tea, but the water in our drink machines always gives me acid for some reason. Don’t ask, because I have no idea how either.

The good side to all of this is that I’m nowhere near hungry. The thought of eating doesn’t make my mouth water and my stomach tingle in anticipation as it once would have. Right now, the thought of eating revolts me. The lady next to me at work has just opened a cheese and onion sandwich, and the smell of it is making me feel nauseous. My head is spinning. I feel tremendously horrible.

All I want to do right now is go home, run a steaming hot bath and lay in it for an hour, and then go straight to bed. Unfortunately, I know this isn’t going to happen.

I ran into my manager when she was coming out of the bathroom at the end of our wing and she asked how I was doing, then immediately frowned and said “Not good huh?” So I told her about the sinuses and the horrificness and the glands. (incidentally: Glandular is an awesome word) She told me if it’s still bad tomorrow to go to the doctor. So at least I know she’s understanding if I do wind up calling in sick tomorrow. I really don’t want to, but we’ll see how tonight goes, how I feel when my alarm wakes me at 7 tomorrow morning.

Once again though, I’d rather wait until after I’ve had my review to go off sick. Or not go off sick at all.

I might need to see my doctor anyway, though. I called for a repeat prescription of my BCP, and the receptionist woman told me it’s not on my repeat prescription list. She said the doctor had taken it off but hadn’t left any notes. So she’s requested it, but I have to wait until it goes to my doctor to be printed and signed to see whether or not I can get it. She said the doctor might need to see me – I know they’re supposed to be monitoring my blood pressure while I’m on this pill, and the last time my doctor took my blood pressure was probably over a year ago. So I have to wait for the doctor to call to set up an appointment, or pick up the prescription on Friday. Or, get someone else to, since I’m supposed to be working 8:30-5 on Friday. I gave the receptionist my mobile number, since the number they have on file for me is my grandmother’s home number, and I haven’t lived there in eight months. Granny would pass on the note but I’d rather just talk to them myself instead of messing around and having to call back to try to get an appointment that is less than three weeks from now. I only have a week and a half’s worth of pills left.

Sorry, I’m just rambling on and on and on, but I felt like I needed to do something other than sit and stare at a blank computer screen for an hour.

008: Day 5 of ABC. Just as bad as yesterday

I feel like shit.

I managed my 400 day yesterday without too much of a problem, I went over by like 6 cals but I’m glad I managed to stay at the 400 mark.

I did some crunches, some leg lifts, some inverted crunches, and some leg-lift crunches (kind of hard to explain but you lift and move your legs to work your lower abs – they absolutely KILL me, because my fitness level is nonexistent) last night.

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning feeling super sick. I don’t really have nausea, but everything else is checked off the list. Sigh.

I ache all over, possibly in part to the working out. Everytime I cough my abs SCREAM in agony. I’ve had issues with my sinuses the past couple weeks but today they are EXPONENTIAL. I have a sinus headache and all my sinuses hurt and I can SMELL the infection, and I won’t go into the details about mucous and stuff but TRUST ME, it is not good. I keep coughing and have a buildup of phlegm. My ears feel clogged and swollen and achey, which I think is due to my glands.

Right now my glands are the worst part. They are so swollen that my entire neck aches. If I talk or yawn or swallow or even MOVE MY HEAD they hurt. So much.

All I want to do is go back to bed and sleep, but my year-end review is tomorrow afternoon, and I can’t afford time off right now. My last sick day was in Mid-November (before that it was like September ’07, over a year before, but that is seriously not the point), and I don’t want it to look bad at my review that I’ve had time off within a couple months of each other. I was sicker in November, but I used my holidays to cover those other two days so it doesn’t show as sickness on my record.

I’m still irritated with my fucking bus company. And tomorrow and Friday I have to walk to the bus stop (which will be a good 20 minutes, uphill, in the dark, on icy streets). On the one hand I was looking forward to it because hey, it’s extra working out! But right now I just feel so sick and horrible that I physically don’t know if I have the energy to walk from the car to my front door and up the stairs when I get home. Ugh, the worst part is, I need to wash my hair tonight. The last thing I need is to come into my review looking like a grunge, ew. Although to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t stand walking around with greased-up hair anyway. The worst part though, is that it takes me no less than an hour (every other night) to dry and straighten my hair. Stupid not-straight-but-not-curly frizzy hair.

But I digress. Right now I’m contemplating whether it’s worth it to walk to the bus stop, or if I should take another route. The other route will cost me probably twice as much to get to work, but it means I can use my usual bus stop. This morning there was another bus in front of my bus, that stops at my usual stop near my house, takes a detour, and then meets back up on MY bus’s route in town. If I take that to town I can catch my usual bus at the same stop and take that one to work.

Ugh I really don’t know what I want to do right now. Decisiveness is not my strong suit even when I’m perfectly healthy.

On another note, this weekend I’m moving a treadmill into my bedroom. My aunt bought it like two years ago, I think she’s used it like once. And since I moved in last May, it’s been gathering dust in their garage. And I figured out that I have just enough space to put it in my room, provided it’s folded up and just folded out while it’s in use. It’s going to make my room look tiny and like I have no space at all, but guess what – my room ALREADY looks tiny and like I have no space at all. So I might as well stick a workout medium up in there.

Not that I’m going to be using it if I still feel like this. I feel so weak, letting this cold-slash-infections get me down, but I haven’t felt THIS sick in a while. Ugh. Everything is so fuzzy, my head is so stuffed up it’s unbelievable. And my concentration is almost zilch today. I’m actually rather astonished that this isn’t written in three-year-old.

In other news, I dropped one pound since yesterday, so the ABC is working. Today is a 100 day and I thought I would be struggling and dying. But it’s just after 10am and I don’t feel hungry. I feel too horrific to want to put any food inside me. I actually feel like, if I do try to eat this fruit, I’ll just make myself violently sick. It’s not worth it to eat anything right now. YAY. Green tea, however, is fair game. Even if it is like seventy steps to get to the drinks machine for my hot water. Not that I’ve been counting or anything.

I need to get some dumbbells to do a little more work on my arms. My armflab is ridiculous. I have bingo-wings, yuck. That will simply not do. All these things require money. Money that I do not have. I might wait until I’ve put another couple hundred away for my Canada trip. Saying that, I’ve got £200 saved up (I’ve had to take out £250 to pay bills and fund Boxing Day Shopping Excursions), I’m getting just under £200 as a year-end bonus, which will all be put away, and can probably manage to put away another couple hundred out of my usual wages. So all in all, I shouldn’t be too bad. In total I want to save at least £1,500 before September, so if I can get up to £600 at the end of this month, I’ll be set.

I do, however, need to invest in some multivitamins. I’m thinking that might be one reason why this horrific sickness has come on, and literally overnight. I haven’t been taking any supplements (I even forgot to take my Calcium the other day, which is something I need with or without fasting/restricting), and I know I need to. So I’m going to buy some as soon as I get paid next week.

I’m seriously just rambling now so I’m going to go and try to actually get some work done.

Much love, my skinny bitches.

Counting the seconds until I can go home and go to bed,



Tuesday, 20 January 2009

007: Day 4 of ABC. Also: the WORST DAY EVER

It is not even 10am yet, but already this is the worst day ever. Today could not have been a worse day had God himself decided to smite me in my sleep and I woke up this morning dead and decaying all over my beautiful bedding.

Last night, exhausted and bored, I went to bed around 9:30. Maybe the hunger was getting to me? Although to be perfectly honest, I didn’t actually feel hungry, I felt just fine. I was proud of the fact that I wasn’t hungry. But I was tired and went to bed early. I woke up, wiiide awake, convinced that it would of course only be a few minutes before my alarm was due to go off, because with me that is always the way. A glance at my phone, however, proved it was only 2:22 in the morning. Score! I could go back to sleep for a whole four and a half extra hours. Of course, I was WIDE awake and it took ages to fall back to sleep… Next thing I knew, I was 7:00, my alarm was going off and I had to get up. And now I was exhausted.

I got ready for work, gathering all the extra crap I needed. I even remembered to get my fruit salad, peach, and 10cal pot of jell-o (it’s not Jell-O brand because England doesn’t have Jell-O, but I feel weird calling the stuff “Jelly”) AND a spoon to eat it with! I was dropped off at my bus stop. And waited.

And waited.

Then I saw my bus up the street, about the turn onto the roundabout. I walked to the edge of the road to wait for it to come down. And it didn’t. It went straight across the roundabout. I was pissed. I went back and waited.

And waited.

And then I saw another bus. And once again, it went straight across the roundabout. By this time, I had been waiting at the bus stop for over half an hour. Everyone got on the next bus, after asking me what was up with my bus, and I said I had no idea. In the end I called the local Traveline, and asked the operator. She said they didn’t have anything on their system about the bus route being revised, and gave me the number to call my bus company’s office direct. So I did, and he told me that yes, it wasn’t coming down this way due to road works on the area where it comes back out onto the main road again. Wonderful. It would have been nice for someone to TELL US that. I told the man on the phone this and he said that there should have been notices on the bus.

Well I wouldn’t know would I? I’m not ON the fucking bus! I also told him that nobody I’d spoke to had seen any notices (and for the record, when I finally DID get on the bus? NO NOTICES)

So, fine, I decided to walk up to the next stop. Of course, since the bus was bypassing no fewer than six stops, the next available stop was a ways up the road, and up a hill. And let me make this clear to you all: I am wearing heels. Sometimes, I wear flat shoes or sneakers on the way to work and change into heels when I get there, but today, I figured I had a ride to the bus stop and I had a ride home at the end of the day, so I should be okay in the heels. However, the hill I had to walk up to get to the bus stop, it was covered in ice, and I nearly let my face hit the pavement about eighty times on the way. My leg muscles hurt from tensing up so much to try to keep my balance.

I was almost at the stop when TWO buses came in a row, but of course I could hardly run to catch them, not without breaking my face and/or ass. So I walked, and had to wait AGES for the next one to come. I didn’t get into work until nearly 9:30, a full two hours after I originally got to the bus stop, and more than an hour after I usually get into work (8:20 or thereabouts). NOT HAPPY.

And might I add that my fucking hairband is hurting my head and irritating the living hell right out of me.

Okay, now that that rant is over with, I’ll get back on topic. Sigh.

This morning, I weighed exactly 195.0lbs. Down 6.4lbs since last Wednesday yay!

Today I’ve already eaten my apple (cut into chunks and shaken in a sandwich bag with a teaspoon of splenda and some ground cinnamon), and I’m doing okay. I’ve also got:

A fruit salad: 30 raspberries and 30 blueberries: 53
One small peach: 31
One medium banana: 105
One medium orange: 62
One Jello cup: 10

Whatever I don’t eat at work today I’m going to take home and have with a 100kcal yogurt.

It’s Day 4 of ABC and that makes it a 400 calorie day. My total with all of the above comes to: 361

Which leaves me open for maybe a small salad with some nonfat vinaigrette or something later if I’m really hungry, and still under 400 calories.

So excited, this shouldn’t be a problem. That seems like a ton of fruit.


Stay Beautiful, Ladies

Vee x

PS, I’m also out of Splenda so have to wander up to Tesco at lunch to buy some. Ughh.

Monday, 19 January 2009

006: I Guess It Could Be Worse

So Today is Day Six of my Restricting and shizz.

I apologise in advance, I'm not feeling very wordy and creative today so this entry will probably suck hard.

Yesterday was not a good day. First of all I woke up with a monster headache, though not quite a migraine, and it didn't go away until I went to bed after midnight. Bad times. I knew in advance that I was going to have to eat the so-yummy-but-so-fatty Sausage Bake that one of my housemates was making. I also thought it would be a good idea to eat a load of Salt and Vinegar Pringles at the cinema. So all in all I was expecting to gain today to a certain extent.

So, it could have been worse: I woke up today weighing only 0.8lbs heavier than yesterday. As of this morning, I weighed 196.4, which is still five whole pounds lighter than when I started this last Wednesday. So I can't really complain.

Today was a better day.

I slept in way later than I should have, but I had today off work, so it didn't really matter. I had about five frozen grapes first thing, and that was it until tonight. My aunt and I went to buy our cats some new collars, and then went to visit my granny. LUCKILY she was in a MUCH better mood than she has been recently, so it wasn't painful to be there today.

I had a salad tonight. And by salad I mean three lettuce leaves torn up and with 50mls of fat free vinaigrette. With a couple sliced mushrooms on top but I didn't eat all of them. Then I had a Weight Watchers' Chocolate Mousse dessert thing, so in total my calorie intake for the day was only 155.

Not bad at all, right? =]

So tomorrow I'm getting back into the ABC diet, and I'll be on Day 4 - a 400 calorie day. I've already got my food planned out up to 360 - lots of fruit and a 100cal yogurt. I'm confident that I'll be able to stick to it tomorrow. Fruit is kind of my saviour when it comes to this restricting... I can eat a load of raspberries, feel sated, and still only have had like 30cals.

Anyway, I should head off because I need to get ready for work tomorrow morning, and I'm way tired - although I have more energy than I should considering I've had less than 200cals today.

Keep strong ladies, and stay beautiful.



Saturday, 17 January 2009

004: Do You Ever Feel Like...

You just can't do ANYTHING right?

Last night basically went to hell after I'd posted. I'd managed to have 4 cups of green tea with splenda, 4 cups of strawberry-raspberry-loganberry tea with splenda, and a 295cal frozen dinner. And that was it. I was feeling very proud of myself.

Then, my aunt got home from work and we all left to the cinema. My plan was to get a Coke Zero and check out the calorie content of the ice cream bars and things they sold there. Of course, My Bloody Valentine started last night and the place was absolutely PACKED. Even the express extra-special lineup for we Unlimited Card holders was HUGE. In the end, my aunts decided we'd go out to eat instead.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I couldn't get out of it. We were THERE already. And my aunts know that I'm dieting and when my aunt got home from work she was bragging that all she'd eaten yesterday was some soup and one slice of bread. She's not ED, she's just... weird. And manic-depressive so sometimes her eating habits are way out there. But anyway. She was carrying on as if nobody in the history of ever had had so little to eat and oh woe is her I must feel bad. So I made the mistake of saying "Well I had a lot of green tea at work and was on a green tea buzz so I wasn't hungry until I got home so all I'VE HAD was my frozen meal." Trying to shut her up.

So of course, they assumed I must be hungry, even though I had SAID I wasn't even hungry in spite of that. And they traipsed over to the restaurant across the parking lot place thing. Got seats. And I spent ages agonizing over the menu. My aunts ordered their starters and I said I didn't want one, and then they made a big deal about BUT LOOK THEY HAVE GARLIC BREAD - and people, I'm a garlic bread addict, if there was a Garlicaholics Anonymous, I'd be the chairperson. So I had to order that, although I didn't finish it. I was going to get a fish dish because I know it would be the healthiest, but unfortunately I still can't physically bring myself to eat fish, after a serious bout of food poisoning caused by fish two years ago. Long time to hold a grudge, I know, but I HAVE NEVER been that sick in my entire life.

So, I ordered chicken and mashed potatoes. Didn't finish either of them. And made a big deal about how sick I was feeling afterward. Which wasn't a lie. I stated previously that I have no problem with people who are mia but I personally don't purge because I'm like OCD about my teeth. My paranoia is intense. But last night at the restaurant, I was just about to excuse myself to the toilets to see if anyone was in there, when my aunt piped up that her stomach was upset. She spent the next 10 minutesin the only bathroom while her partner ate her dessert - and as soon as she got back, we left. And when I got home, I physically could not be sick. I have never been more pissed off at myself as I was in that moment.

So, I went over my 500 calorie limit for yesterday by maybe an extra 500, ugh. To compensate, I'm making today a Fast Day.

In addition to that, one of my housemates had also bought all the ingredients to make her Infamous Sausage Bake. Which is totally yummy, but EXTREMELY fattening. It's like, condensed cream of tomato soup with paxo stuffing with gravy with mashed potatoes with like twenty fatty pork sausages and fuck knows what else. The problem is, this has been my favourite food for like the past ten years, and I've only had it a handful of times. The last time she made it was when I first moved to England, which is more than four years ago now. And she's already bought the ingredients. I can't not eat it, I can't tell her I don't want it. Ugh. This was an upside to the year and a half I didn't eat pork: no fatty sausages!

So, today is a fast day, tomorrow I'll have to have some sausage bake, but I'll keep my portions small, and then fast again on Monday to make up for it. Then I'll pick up the ABC on Tuesday, on Day 4 (the day after the "scheduled" fast day anyway) and take it from there.
The only upside to all of this is that I dropped 0.8lbs since yesterday (even with the Restaurant ordeal), and as of this morning I've lost exact 4lbs in 3 days, and am at 197.4lbs right now. I'm approaching that half-stone mark and I'm excited.

In other news, we went to visit my grandmother today. And I feel like shit and am trying not to hate her.

We walked in and she was like "Hey, give me £5 for a book of raffle tickets I'm selling to raise money" And I'm like "WHAT five pounds? I have no money right now" and my aunts were saying the same thing. It's a really bad time for money right now. We asked what the prizes were out of interest, and my grandmother replied as if she were telling us they were the CROWNED MOTHERFUCKIN' JEWELS themselves. "A ticket to see Sheffield Wednesday Play. And second prize is Scuba Diving".

First of all, it needs to be said that I was a Season Ticket Holder for Sheffield United for two years. When I give two shits about football, I support Sheffield Wednesday's ANTICHRIST. I did say to her that No, that's not exactly a prize I would cherish. And I can be pretty claustrophobic so I doubt I could do scuba diving. I also have a MAJOR phobia of like, swimming in deep water and knowing there are big things under me. Like a whale or a fucking sunken ship. I would have a HEART ATTACK.

So anyway, I told her I have no money. It's six week between paydays because we got paid early at Christmas. I've already had to take two HUNDRED pounds out of my savings account this month. That money was supposed to be half of my flight to visit Canada this year. And she says "Well its for a good cause!!" and I was like I have to look after my own cause right now. I have bills to pay. Transport to work, food to buy.

And she got all pissed off and basically told me to "Shove it" and nevermind, and stormed off to put her tickets away. So then my aunt was saying she was just joking (she'd said some stuff as well about no money and she can't afford tickets for shit prizes or whatever) and my grandmother turned and glared at me and was like "Yeah but then SHE* started!"

Like it's my fault I have no money and don't want to waste £5 on a fucking raffle ticket, to win a prize to see the ONE FOOTBALL TEAM that I would never go to see because they are the archrivals of my team. She made me feel like a huge bitch and then basically ignored me the rest of the time we were there. And when we said we'd take the tickets and pay her the money when we had it later, she refused to give them to us: even though earlier it was her idea that we could do that.

SHE IS SO GOOD with guilt trips. I can never do anything right, especially not by this woman.

Oh, get this. She noticed I'd lost a little weight (nothing major but 4lbs is 4lbs I guess) and I told her four pounds, all happy. And then she looked at me sternly and was like "How, you're not starving yourself, are you?"

I didn't know what to say. I told her no, I wasn't. Which to be honest is true: with all the drama of the past week and the fucking takeout food and restaurants, I haven't really. But trust her to basically tell me that hey, the only way I could conceivably lose any weight in any period of time is to just stop eating altogether. WAY TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

I am so pissed right now it's not even funny. I wanted to burst into tears and just stalk out.

Anyway before I head off, I want to ask you to keep your fingers crossed for me. This fast day is going mostly okay. It's 5pm and I did have to break it to eat nine grapes. But I was so pissed off and upset by the deal at my grandmother's house (it might not sound like a lot but this woman makes me fucking crazy upset) I just wanted to come home and comfort eat. So I just ate the rest of the grapes I'd bought that wouldn't fit into the plastic container in the freezer (I'm freezing them as a crunchy snack). So 9 grapes. I have a Sprite Zero to take to the cinema, and that's all I'm planning on having. Wish me luck

Stay Beautiful xxx

Friday, 16 January 2009

003: Day One, 500. And some ranting about piercings

Okay, so, today is Day One of the ABC diet. This means I have a daily allocation of 500 calories. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to be all that hard to be honest. When I was dieting before I was keeping below 600cals a day anyway, and at one point was having to find extra things to eat to hit the 600 mark. So this shouldn’t be TOO hard. Although I think it might be difficult when I hit the 100 and 200 calorie days. And the fast days, I can’t remember the last time I went a whole day without eating anything. But the feeling of accomplishment is amazing.

Yesterday I was thinking about starting the ABC diet, as I was under 500 cals by the time I got home from work. But I’m still feeling sick and don’t think I could have made it through the night without stuffing my face if I didn’t have SOMEthing to eat when I got home last night. So, I admit, I had some leftover KFC chicken. Call me fat if you want to, but I still LOST 2.2lbs! That’s right. I think it’s because I still managed to keep my calorie count down yesterday in spite of the chicken (small pieces are the way to go, good thing the small wings are my favourite pieces).

So that means I have managed to lose a total of 3.2lbs. As of this morning I am 198.2, down from 201.4 on Wednesday morning. Not a bad start, especially with the goddamned KFC chicken up in there. I’m still gargantuan but at least it’s a start, and 3lbs in 2 days is nothing to sniff at, especially not when you’re my size and every FRACTION of a pound counts in a big, big way. That’s why I count the .2, and am glad that my scale registers in tenths of a pound.

After the food, I went straight to bed. So I was in bed by 8:30, probably asleep by 9. I think I caught an earring on my pillow in my sleep because I vaguely remember being woken up in the middle of the night and when I put my head down, my second piercing in my right earlobe was screaming at me. I had to keep adjusting so that it didn’t sting, but then finally fell back asleep. It’s a bit raw and sore today but not too bad thank god. Lord knows I’ve already had more than my share of piercing related issues.

Like, the first time I got them pierced, as a small kid. And a family member decided to change the piercing studs and put in these plastic ones before they had healed properly, closed them too tight, and the skin started growing over the backs and got super infected. They healed over. Then I was 12 and my aunt paid to get them done for cheap at the local market. Why did either of us think that would be a good idea? They wound up getting infected, and the woman had pierced them crooked so I took them out and let them heal after two weeks. Then, when I was eighteen I got them re-pierced again so I could wear earrings for grad. No word of a lie, it took at least six MONTHS for my piercings to heal up, rather than the suggested six WEEKS. By graduation time I had only had them pierced for around two or three weeks. I knew they weren’t healed but by god I was going to wear these super nice earrings to my grad banquet (we didn’t have a “prom” so I guess it was our school’s shitty substitute). So, I coated the posts with Neosporin to promote good healing, went out, and when I got home it took a good twenty minutes to get one of my piercing studs back in. It was so painful, and because they weren’t healed and were possibly a bit infected, it was all gooshy and hard to find the exit hole in the back. Ughghh.

Then a year later I got a second set pierced in my earlobes. They took ages to heal but I put some gold earrings in and just didn’t change them, so they weren’t so traumatizing. But the same day I got the upper cartilage of my ear pierced, and that was a nightmare. I wound up with a little ball of infection next to the ring on the front side of the ear, and it took months to heal. In fact, it never healed until all of the infection had been forcibly squeezed out, which let me tell you, hurt like a motherfucker. We had to keep squeezing that thing every night for weeks and then coating the ring and my ear with pure alcohol spray (bactine was doing nothing) before it finally healed.

I kind of want to get my tongue pierced but the ordeals I’ve had so far have put me way off. Infection of the mouth doesn’t sound like a fun time. I totally thought my tattoo would react badly, but that healed perfectly fine in a couple of weeks. Go figure.

Anyway, that got ridiculously off-topic. Onto my ABCs!

This morning, I was starving. My meal allocation for today is as follows:

Fat Free Yogurt (100)
Light Cereal Bar (70)
Weight Watcher’s Frozen Meal (295)

This altogether totals 465 calories, which means I’m still under.

But, I got to work, made some green tea (3 cals per cup total with one and a half teaspoons of splenda) and some strawberry-raspberry-loganberry tea (5 cals per cup total with one and a half teaspoons of splenda. The tea itself is 2 cals/cup). I’ve had two cups of each so far, and have one of each on my desk waiting to be drunk. Drank? I’m not sure what the proper syntax is in this situation. But anyway. That means I’ve had sixteen calories so far, with eight more to go, which is 24 calories in those six cups.

And I’m not hungry anymore. It’s looking more and more likely that I won’t have that yogurt and cereal bar. We’ll see how the afternoon goes because I know I can eat those two without feeling guilty over it. But if I’m not hungry I’m not going to eat them just for the sake of it.

Right now I’m not hungry at all. Even thinking about my chicken curry and rice tonight isn’t making my mouth water, which it usually does. All I can think about is going shopping to get a lot of fruit and low-cal food. I’m going to see if I can find some of those 10cal instant soup mixes that I’ve heard people talking about. They’d be perfect for lunches at work.

So today is a 500 day, as is tomorrow. Sunday, however, is a fast day. So I need to remember to bring my box of green tea home tonight so I have something warm to sip that has flavour. Wish me luck!

Stay Beautiful!

Vee xxx

ps: cross-posting this to my other blog because I can’t think of any way to write all that in a different way, or something different to update with =P

Thursday, 15 January 2009

002: The Calm *After* The Storm

Yesterday turned out to be a bad day. Things were going very swimmingly until I left work. I managed to get until 5pm on just the slimfast breakfast bar and half a slimfast shake. I was feeling great and was totally proud of myself. But when I stepped in the door last night, I was greeted by KFC. I didn’t even want it, but it was there, and my roommates had bought extra specifically so I could have some. One of my housemates is a relative as well, so it’s difficult to just say “oh hey thanks but no”. So I thought I’d have to push this back ANOTHER DAY. I was not happy. I said "my diet was supposed to start today" but they were like "It can wait one more day!" (They know I'm trying to lose weight, nothing beyond that)

I didn’t overeat or anything but I still felt sick. All day I was loving the hollow, empty feeling in my stomach, and then suddenly having a proper hot meal in there made me feel nauseous. It was even worse that I had a too-hot bath and once I lay down in the hot water, the feeling in my stomach just got worse for some reason. I have to admit I thought for a bit about purging, but I’m paranoid and obsessive about my teeth, so I didn’t. But I was still half-hoping the sick feeling in my stomach would do the job for me anyway.

I went to bed early last night because I was exhausted. I’m tired a lot, sometimes I wonder if I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or an under-functioning thyroid or something. I just have no energy 80% of the time. So I went to bed early, and slept straight through until my alarm went off. And I still feel like I haven’t slept at all.The good news though, is that even with the whole crap with the KFC yesterday (probably around 900 ADDITIONAL calories, ugh), I still dropped 1lb last night. So thank christ for that!

I discovered this ABC group on livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/anabootcamp - and once I’ve adjusted to a much lower daily calorie intake, I’m going to try the 50 day ABC plan and see how that goes. It looks promising! I’ll keep you updated.

Okay onto today’s tally! I’ve just had breakfast, and it’s not yet 10 in the morning. I’m so tired!

Two-thirds of a pot of 100cal fat-free yogurt: estimating 75cals as I dunno the exact portions
Two mini sausage rolls (131 cals each): 262cals (ugh)

Remaining half of yesterday’s Slim-fast shake: 106cals
Dinner:Weight Watcher’s Chicken Curry: 295cals

Snack: (potential)
Mini muffin: 125cals

If I stick to that plan AND have the muffin, my overall total is 863cals. That still feels so high. I really need to stock up on fruit so I won’t be tempted to snack on pastries that the people at work bring in.Anyway, I need to get some stuff done, so I’ll update later/tomorrow.


Wednesday, 14 January 2009

001: Fighting Food To Find Trascendence

As yesterday was my last night of freedom, I allowed myself a treat. I convinced myself that I was only eating it so as not to waste food, and so that it would not tempt me later in the week. Which I, at the same time, realized was an utter load of bull. But, it was a final treat, I suppose.Yesterday’s consumption, minus a calorie-count for the evening because I am too physically exhausted to do the calculations necessary to figure out how many calories were in my food.

Slim-Fast snack bar – 206
Slim-Fast Shake (Coffee) – 210
Fat Free Yogurt - 100
Mashed potatoes
½ Sachet stuffing
Doritos nachos
Melted Red Leicester cheese

It was going well in the morning, but as the mashed potatoes weren’t prepared by me I have no idea how much butter/margarine or milk was put into them. The stuffing isn’t very high in calories so it probably wasn’t TOO bad a meal. But I know those nachos pushed me over the edge. Red Leicester cheese is very high in calories and fat. I’m not going to punish myself for eating them, because I chose to. It isn’t like I snapped and binged until I felt sick. It was day one, which became Day The Last.

Today is day one.

Because I need to stock up on some fruit and have none in the house, my breakfast apple has been replaced with another Slim-Fast Bar, at 206 calories. I’d have been much happier with 100cals but I’m already starving and I need to start slow. I’ll have half of my slim-fast shake for lunch, leaving half for an afternoon snack if I need one. I brought a yogurt with me, but I might save that for dessert.

Dinner tonight is a frozen chicken curry meal at around 295 calories. If I can stick to this, including the yogurt, my calorie intake for the day will be around 813. Which is low for more purposes, and I should probably drop maybe half a pound by tomorrow morning – depending on how my metabolism is working, it’s been super messed up the last couple of months, even eating pretty normally.

My goal right now is to keep under 1,000 calories a day consistently and see how that works. I know that it can be really easy to keep your calorie count down. For me previously, the key was to eat a lot of fruit. You can eat as many blueberries and raspberries as it takes to feel full, and they’re still only one calorie apiece. My apple-and-cinnamon for breakfast used to last me until beyond the usual lunch time, and the perk was that eating an apple for breakfast every day, I was more awake and had more energy than at almost any other point in my life. It’s true what they say: eating an apple will definitely wake you up better than drinking a cup of coffee.
Don’t get me wrong, though, I love coffee. And the bonus is that it doubles as an appetite suppressant. The problem is that I like my coffee sweet and can’t drink it black. But the solution to that issue is: Splenda. Just as sweet as if using actual sugar, but there are only about two calories per teaspoon of the stuff. Anyway, at one point I was having to find things to eat to get my calorie count up. I wasn’t hungry, even on around 400 calories in a day, but I didn’t want my metabolism to shut down, so I’d have to find a couple hundred extra calories to boost the numbers a little bit. That was the most frustrating part.

But anyway, I’m getting off topic. Here is where we begin.


ps: I suppose as a starting point I should provide a weigh-in. It pains me to say that as of this morning I was 201.4lbs. My lightest was 130lbs, but I let things get WILDLY, horrifically out of control. I feel physically sick just thinking about it. Just looking at myself. Don't lecture me, because I already know.

Right now, that 130 mark is my goal. Beyond that depends on how this goes, but I would like to be a fair bit under that. I don't yet have a goal date though, because I don't know how fast this is going to come off. Goals will be set when I've got a time scale to compare.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

The Beginning

Well. Here it goes. Waving my red flag. Wish me luck.