Sorry I haven't been posting, my dears. I keep meaning to, I really do. I miss blogging and commenting on yours. But I've been having difficulty finding the time. Or, indeed, the motivation. I just feel so apathetic all the time. Or at least, when I'm not feeling depressed.
38.
This is the number of days between today and the day I step foot on a plane headed for my hometown in Canada. 38 Days until I see my friends and family for the first time in nearly a year, a good 15-20lbs heavier than I was back then. 38 Days until I call my biological father and make a date to meet up and go for dinner. To see him for the first time in eighteen years.
This is also my deadline. I have to restrict as hard as I possibly can to lose the maximum amount of weight possible. I have to try to make myself blog, even when I can't find it in me to care about myself enough to even wonder if anybody else cares enough to read the drivel I write here.
I can NOT go to Canada at my current weight. Were I to gain 7lbs I would be at the threshold at which I always told myself "if I ever reach this weight, I will kill myself."
The good point I suppose, if there IS any, is that today marks the first day (again) of the previously mentioned Milk And Yogurt diet, which is surgeon-approved, I might add. My aunt and I were talking this weekend and she said she was going to do it again and suggested I do it with her. I can't drink milk, it makes me physically sick, so I won't be drinking the 3 pints of milk. I will have the 2 fat-free yogurts a day, and maybe supplement with a slimfast (or half of one) if my aunt does wind up having a go that I'm not having anything else with the yogurt (she'll be getting additional "calories/nutrients" from the milk she's drinking all day every day).
The bad news is that it's my best friend S's 20th birthday this weekend and she's having a barbeque and copious amounts of alcohol. My only solace is that I tend to lose weight when I've had a lot to drink rather than gain. I know it's only water weight through dehydration from the alcohol, but it's better than nothing. But I'm not giving myself a free pass. I'm setting myself an 800 calorie limit for Saturday.
I feel so, so tired. In part because I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was stressing about work, then freaking myself out over nothing, then got a song stuck in my head that just wouldn't let my body shut down. Woke up this morning aching from head to toe like you do after a massive gym session - or when you're on Day Three of the worst flu of your life.
Also in part because I've eaten less than 200 calories today.
Small successes.
Baby steps.
Showing posts with label calorie counting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label calorie counting. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Friday, 1 January 2010
Happy New Year! & Day One
So, back into the ABC world I go.
But before I get into that, last night!
Last night was pretty awesome. My makeup looked fabulous, but my camera wouldn't take a decent picture, nevermind the fact that my face looked effing HUGE in all of them. Sigh.
But anyway. At first I was really not looking forward to going out. I was exhausted and I'm already basically broke and payday isn't for another 3-4 weeks. Plus, the place H and S2 decided to go was horrible. For some reason, before heading to the gayclub that was the night's destination, they decided they wanted to start off in this really grungy area full of hobos and chavs and dirty old men. The first pub we went into had karaoke on, and a group if about 6 uber-chavvy guys and this woman who wasn't quite all there mentally kept trying their best to DESTROY THE WORLD with their vocals. It was horrible but kind of amusing. Who knew the chav-dance was derived from the ever-terrible dad-dance?
From there we went to another pub, which was more of the same crap, but less karaoke and more dirty old men and Motown music that kept skipping.
Finally got to the gayclub and in the end it was a decent night out. A friend's partner somehow managed to get me cage-dancing with her at one point. Apparently my aunt got it on video, BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I hit my Most New Year's Kisses last year... Two lesbian friends of ours, H's husband, and some random gay dude I have never met. This adorable drag queen came over to give me a hug too, and she was so sweet. She looked good, unlike a lot of bad crossdressers that tend to frequent that place, but seemed really shy and quiet and was mostly sat on her own. She danced with us for a while before we left.
It was a night of revelations too. While we were sitting with some drinks after the dancing and just before leaving, my aunt turned to me and asked "V, what's your opinion on men dressed in women's clothes?" And I just shrugged, you know, to each their own. I don't care. I'm friends with drag queens, my best guyfriend is gay, and my sister is marrying a crossdresser. It's all good. Well apparently our buddy S2, H's hubby, occasionally cross-dresses. And I guess he was scared about how we would take it. He told my aunts after much hesitation but in the end he couldn't bring himself to tell me and got my aunt to do it. Which is weird, I suppose maybe he wasn't sure how we'd react and what I'd think. Pff, whatever.
Of course now we've got plans to take him out on the town in full regalia and I'm on Makeup Artist duties. Which actually sounds like a shitton of fun.
The downside is he has better legs than any of the women in the club. Bastard.
So, we got home maybe around 2? And had something to eat (a cheese toastie each made in these handy toaster packet things) before bed. And it was absolutely fucking freezing, so I grabbed my hot water bottle and put the kettle on to fill it up and make J a cup of coffee. Only, while I was filling the hot water bottle, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (I can't even blame it on intoxication as I was only slightly inebriated and hangover-free) and poured boiling water all over my thumb. The damage is concentrated mostly on the top hanlf, only a little bit of scalding extending below the joint. But fuckshit it hurt like a mother.
In the end I didn't get to sleep until after 5:30 because the pain was so intense. I wound up with an ice pack on it, but after a while that wasn't cold enough anymore, so I got a face cloth and a mug of cold-cold water and kept dipping the cloth in water and wrapping it around my thumb. The only problem is, once the heat had transferred and the cloth wasn't icy anymore, it started burning all over again so I had to repeat. It took forever to get to sleep and a corner of my bed is still damp from the wet cloths.
In the end I managed to get to sleep though - after I decided that cutting off the blood flow to the burned area might make it hurt less / at least stop throbbing, so I wrapped a hair elastic several times around under the knuckle. Sure enough, as the blood flow slowed, the burning sensation mostly went away and I was able to pass out. OF COURSE this probably wasn't the best idea. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't feel my thumb at all and when I took the elastic band off, there was a deep mark in my skin where it had bitten into the flesh for several hours, and it looked pretty bruised from the pressure. Oops!
Whatever though, at least I got some fucking sleep!
It's still sore today but not really burny-throbby thank goodness, so at least I didn't sear the flesh off or anything, ew.
Upside to today, is that I'm down 2lbs from yesterday. Which gives me a net weight loss of 4.8lbs since we got home from Mexico. Granted, that was a week and a half ago, but progress is progress, right? I'm not comfortable enough with my numbers to post them here yet, but once I manage to get back into the 100's (i'm not THAT far above but still self-conscious about it) I will. In the meantime I'm keeping track in a spreadsheet.
So today is Day 1 of my ABC. I might wind up a little over, as I couldn't get out of going to McDonald's for lunch. Had a burger, a couple of fries (literally only a couple, I gave the rest to J), and a Sprite to drink, and the calories are 510 according to an online source. I felt really sick and thought I was going to vomit before we left, but I didn't and I have mixed feelings. Throwing up = involuntary purging which means no calories but I don't have to feel guilty about inducing a purge and turning to Mia's "dark side." On the other hand, purging is purging and I hate being sick and hoping for an "involuntary" purge still makes it Mia, doesn't it?
So, I kept it down. It's nearly 4pm and I'm 10 calories over my limit for today, but that's not so bad. My aunt knows I felt sick earlier though so I can probably quite easily get out of eating anything else for the rest of the day. So Day 1 is mostly a success, I think, as long as I can keep away from food for the rest of the day =]
Day 2 tomorrow is another 500 day which should be easy enough - I'm going out with S and maybe L tomorrow and we're meeting for coffee, so I might just get a plain coffee with skimmed milk and splenda, eat nothing and when I get home I can tell my aunt that we went to lunch and I stuffed myself so I'm not hungry for anything to eat for dinner.
Day 3 on Sunday is going to be difficult though. It's a 300 calorie day, but I've got my grandparents coming over for Sunday Dinner with turkey-etc. I'll probably wind up going a little over, but I figure my aunts know "I'm on a diet" so whatever is served to me I do not need to feel obligated to finish it at all, and shouldn't get a lot of hack for leaving food on my plate. I think what I might do it just eat like, half of what's served to me. The calories shouldn't be TOO bad - we are having turkey, Stovetop Stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy, but the rest is just veggies like cabbage and maybe cauliflower. It will probably still be over 300 though. I'll just have to compensate on Monday and cut my calories down a bit further I guess.
Anyway, that's the plan for the next few days. Today I'm still super tired, but I need to sort my room out. I still haven't unpacked, haha, so it looks so cluttered in here!
Happy New Year to you all! What are your resolutions? Beside the obvious lol.
My resolutions are to:
1. Lose at least 50lbs by the time I go to Canada in the summer (that's a conservative 10lbs a month and that should be doable, right?)
2. Continue my Japanese learning and use at least one medium each day (Rosetta Stone, DS Game, Kana flashcards)
3. Draw up a list of weight loss rewards and stick to it!
4. Join a gym and go at least 3 times every week for an average of 2 hours a day. Ideally more but this will be my minimum.
5. See ABC through to the very end!
6. Find someone to love
There was more that I wanted to definitely accomplish this year, but now that it comes to writing it out, I can't quite remember what they were =/
Anyway I'm going to go for a nap! Have a great one, skinnies!
Vee xox
But before I get into that, last night!
Last night was pretty awesome. My makeup looked fabulous, but my camera wouldn't take a decent picture, nevermind the fact that my face looked effing HUGE in all of them. Sigh.
But anyway. At first I was really not looking forward to going out. I was exhausted and I'm already basically broke and payday isn't for another 3-4 weeks. Plus, the place H and S2 decided to go was horrible. For some reason, before heading to the gayclub that was the night's destination, they decided they wanted to start off in this really grungy area full of hobos and chavs and dirty old men. The first pub we went into had karaoke on, and a group if about 6 uber-chavvy guys and this woman who wasn't quite all there mentally kept trying their best to DESTROY THE WORLD with their vocals. It was horrible but kind of amusing. Who knew the chav-dance was derived from the ever-terrible dad-dance?
From there we went to another pub, which was more of the same crap, but less karaoke and more dirty old men and Motown music that kept skipping.
Finally got to the gayclub and in the end it was a decent night out. A friend's partner somehow managed to get me cage-dancing with her at one point. Apparently my aunt got it on video, BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I hit my Most New Year's Kisses last year... Two lesbian friends of ours, H's husband, and some random gay dude I have never met. This adorable drag queen came over to give me a hug too, and she was so sweet. She looked good, unlike a lot of bad crossdressers that tend to frequent that place, but seemed really shy and quiet and was mostly sat on her own. She danced with us for a while before we left.
It was a night of revelations too. While we were sitting with some drinks after the dancing and just before leaving, my aunt turned to me and asked "V, what's your opinion on men dressed in women's clothes?" And I just shrugged, you know, to each their own. I don't care. I'm friends with drag queens, my best guyfriend is gay, and my sister is marrying a crossdresser. It's all good. Well apparently our buddy S2, H's hubby, occasionally cross-dresses. And I guess he was scared about how we would take it. He told my aunts after much hesitation but in the end he couldn't bring himself to tell me and got my aunt to do it. Which is weird, I suppose maybe he wasn't sure how we'd react and what I'd think. Pff, whatever.
Of course now we've got plans to take him out on the town in full regalia and I'm on Makeup Artist duties. Which actually sounds like a shitton of fun.
The downside is he has better legs than any of the women in the club. Bastard.
So, we got home maybe around 2? And had something to eat (a cheese toastie each made in these handy toaster packet things) before bed. And it was absolutely fucking freezing, so I grabbed my hot water bottle and put the kettle on to fill it up and make J a cup of coffee. Only, while I was filling the hot water bottle, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (I can't even blame it on intoxication as I was only slightly inebriated and hangover-free) and poured boiling water all over my thumb. The damage is concentrated mostly on the top hanlf, only a little bit of scalding extending below the joint. But fuckshit it hurt like a mother.
In the end I didn't get to sleep until after 5:30 because the pain was so intense. I wound up with an ice pack on it, but after a while that wasn't cold enough anymore, so I got a face cloth and a mug of cold-cold water and kept dipping the cloth in water and wrapping it around my thumb. The only problem is, once the heat had transferred and the cloth wasn't icy anymore, it started burning all over again so I had to repeat. It took forever to get to sleep and a corner of my bed is still damp from the wet cloths.
In the end I managed to get to sleep though - after I decided that cutting off the blood flow to the burned area might make it hurt less / at least stop throbbing, so I wrapped a hair elastic several times around under the knuckle. Sure enough, as the blood flow slowed, the burning sensation mostly went away and I was able to pass out. OF COURSE this probably wasn't the best idea. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't feel my thumb at all and when I took the elastic band off, there was a deep mark in my skin where it had bitten into the flesh for several hours, and it looked pretty bruised from the pressure. Oops!
Whatever though, at least I got some fucking sleep!
It's still sore today but not really burny-throbby thank goodness, so at least I didn't sear the flesh off or anything, ew.
Upside to today, is that I'm down 2lbs from yesterday. Which gives me a net weight loss of 4.8lbs since we got home from Mexico. Granted, that was a week and a half ago, but progress is progress, right? I'm not comfortable enough with my numbers to post them here yet, but once I manage to get back into the 100's (i'm not THAT far above but still self-conscious about it) I will. In the meantime I'm keeping track in a spreadsheet.
So today is Day 1 of my ABC. I might wind up a little over, as I couldn't get out of going to McDonald's for lunch. Had a burger, a couple of fries (literally only a couple, I gave the rest to J), and a Sprite to drink, and the calories are 510 according to an online source. I felt really sick and thought I was going to vomit before we left, but I didn't and I have mixed feelings. Throwing up = involuntary purging which means no calories but I don't have to feel guilty about inducing a purge and turning to Mia's "dark side." On the other hand, purging is purging and I hate being sick and hoping for an "involuntary" purge still makes it Mia, doesn't it?
So, I kept it down. It's nearly 4pm and I'm 10 calories over my limit for today, but that's not so bad. My aunt knows I felt sick earlier though so I can probably quite easily get out of eating anything else for the rest of the day. So Day 1 is mostly a success, I think, as long as I can keep away from food for the rest of the day =]
Day 2 tomorrow is another 500 day which should be easy enough - I'm going out with S and maybe L tomorrow and we're meeting for coffee, so I might just get a plain coffee with skimmed milk and splenda, eat nothing and when I get home I can tell my aunt that we went to lunch and I stuffed myself so I'm not hungry for anything to eat for dinner.
Day 3 on Sunday is going to be difficult though. It's a 300 calorie day, but I've got my grandparents coming over for Sunday Dinner with turkey-etc. I'll probably wind up going a little over, but I figure my aunts know "I'm on a diet" so whatever is served to me I do not need to feel obligated to finish it at all, and shouldn't get a lot of hack for leaving food on my plate. I think what I might do it just eat like, half of what's served to me. The calories shouldn't be TOO bad - we are having turkey, Stovetop Stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy, but the rest is just veggies like cabbage and maybe cauliflower. It will probably still be over 300 though. I'll just have to compensate on Monday and cut my calories down a bit further I guess.
Anyway, that's the plan for the next few days. Today I'm still super tired, but I need to sort my room out. I still haven't unpacked, haha, so it looks so cluttered in here!
Happy New Year to you all! What are your resolutions? Beside the obvious lol.
My resolutions are to:
1. Lose at least 50lbs by the time I go to Canada in the summer (that's a conservative 10lbs a month and that should be doable, right?)
2. Continue my Japanese learning and use at least one medium each day (Rosetta Stone, DS Game, Kana flashcards)
3. Draw up a list of weight loss rewards and stick to it!
4. Join a gym and go at least 3 times every week for an average of 2 hours a day. Ideally more but this will be my minimum.
5. See ABC through to the very end!
6. Find someone to love
There was more that I wanted to definitely accomplish this year, but now that it comes to writing it out, I can't quite remember what they were =/
Anyway I'm going to go for a nap! Have a great one, skinnies!
Vee xox
Thursday, 30 July 2009
I was wrong!
Haha so the current weight I posted yesterday was wrong. I put down 107.8 instead of 106.8. So the latter is where I really was. Obviously yesterday is a long day, if I didn't even know where I was.
Today is still down, not a huge amount, but still another 0.4, so nearly half a pound. Total loss so far is 4lbs, so I'm definitely on target to be down 5lbs total by Sunday =]
Thanks for all your comments last night, it was great coming online and seeing SEVEN new comments waiting for me. Love you all! I'll get replying back today, once I've got enough work done to take another break.
So, plan for today:
Breakfast
30 grapes (90calories)
Lunch
Skip
Dinner
10-cal soup (10 calories)
Daily total: 100
Bring it on!
Today is still down, not a huge amount, but still another 0.4, so nearly half a pound. Total loss so far is 4lbs, so I'm definitely on target to be down 5lbs total by Sunday =]
Thanks for all your comments last night, it was great coming online and seeing SEVEN new comments waiting for me. Love you all! I'll get replying back today, once I've got enough work done to take another break.
So, plan for today:
Breakfast
30 grapes (90calories)
Lunch
Skip
Dinner
10-cal soup (10 calories)
Daily total: 100
Bring it on!
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Roundup
So. Starting weight this morning: 207.8 - yep, that's really where I'm at right now, and it's shit =/ But at least the number is dropping!
Calore intake was as originally outlined, but I also had a handful of little pretzels, so I'm going to tack on an estimate of say 70 calories? Not too bad.
So total for the day comes to.. 453. Which is higher than yesterday but still perfectly acceptable =]
I still can't believe how well this week has gone so far - the shitty sleeping issues aside of course. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up.
Tomorrow I'm aiming for more of the same... but I might go the extra mile and just have a 10 calorie soup for dinner instead. I'm aiming to keep my intake under 100 tomorrow with 2 ten calorie soups and a handful of grapes at work. Wish me luck!
Calore intake was as originally outlined, but I also had a handful of little pretzels, so I'm going to tack on an estimate of say 70 calories? Not too bad.
So total for the day comes to.. 453. Which is higher than yesterday but still perfectly acceptable =]
I still can't believe how well this week has gone so far - the shitty sleeping issues aside of course. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up.
Tomorrow I'm aiming for more of the same... but I might go the extra mile and just have a 10 calorie soup for dinner instead. I'm aiming to keep my intake under 100 tomorrow with 2 ten calorie soups and a handful of grapes at work. Wish me luck!
Morning!
I'll comment back to my comments a little later, I've got to be in a meeting in 20 minutes so I've got to make this quick.
After weigh-in this morning, I'm down 0.6lbs since yesterday. Which... I should be happy, but it tastes a lot like failure. I just have to keep telling myself at least it's a loss - I can't reasonably EXPECT to lose 1-2lbs per day consistently. I think the faster loss before is probably due to food and water weight, but at least right now I'm down 3.6lbs from last Thursday. Which, by all means, should be totally acceptable.
I'm not really disappointed in the lower loss, but I'm not ecstatic either. I'm kind of indifferent, if that makes sense.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the 100 cal bag of popcorn last night FELT like a huge binge, even though it totally wasn't, so that set me up to feel like crap today. God, how lame is that?
Anyway. Plan for today:
Breakfast
26 Grapes : 76 calories
(I just pulled off three small bunches and counted them as I ate, so the number is totally random)
Lunch
10-cal soup : 10 calories
Dinner
Frozen meal : 294 calories
Total for the day: 380
Totally acceptable. =]
I AM craving ice cream to a ridiculous degree right now - but I don't have access to any and even if I do go to buy cat food and litter tonight, I won't buy any food unless it's fruit. If I can keep it up I may allow myself a scoop on Sunday as a reward, but can't overdo it, and won't have any until then. I really wish frozen yogurt was common here, it would make this so much easier. As it is, I might just see if they've got some lemon sorbet this weekend instead, the one I had from Tesco wasn't very caloriffic.
I can't believe how... easy this week has been. But, I've got to print off a load of documents and get ready for this meeting, so I'll save that for another post
Lots of Love
Vee xox
After weigh-in this morning, I'm down 0.6lbs since yesterday. Which... I should be happy, but it tastes a lot like failure. I just have to keep telling myself at least it's a loss - I can't reasonably EXPECT to lose 1-2lbs per day consistently. I think the faster loss before is probably due to food and water weight, but at least right now I'm down 3.6lbs from last Thursday. Which, by all means, should be totally acceptable.
I'm not really disappointed in the lower loss, but I'm not ecstatic either. I'm kind of indifferent, if that makes sense.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the 100 cal bag of popcorn last night FELT like a huge binge, even though it totally wasn't, so that set me up to feel like crap today. God, how lame is that?
Anyway. Plan for today:
Breakfast
26 Grapes : 76 calories
(I just pulled off three small bunches and counted them as I ate, so the number is totally random)
Lunch
10-cal soup : 10 calories
Dinner
Frozen meal : 294 calories
Total for the day: 380
Totally acceptable. =]
I AM craving ice cream to a ridiculous degree right now - but I don't have access to any and even if I do go to buy cat food and litter tonight, I won't buy any food unless it's fruit. If I can keep it up I may allow myself a scoop on Sunday as a reward, but can't overdo it, and won't have any until then. I really wish frozen yogurt was common here, it would make this so much easier. As it is, I might just see if they've got some lemon sorbet this weekend instead, the one I had from Tesco wasn't very caloriffic.
I can't believe how... easy this week has been. But, I've got to print off a load of documents and get ready for this meeting, so I'll save that for another post
Lots of Love
Vee xox
Monday, 27 July 2009
Roundup!
Whoo, so today has wound up being a good day foodwise.
Lunch:
soup : 10 calories
Dinner:
6.5 canned hot dogs: 295 (I miscalculated before =[)
1 small of thin-sliced wholemeal bread: 50ish
Total for the day: approx 360 calories.
More than I'd originally thought it would be, but still decent, methinks =]
Fingers crossed the scale will reflect it tomorrow.
I'm going (back) to bed now so I'll talk to you all tomorrow
Vee xox
Lunch:
soup : 10 calories
Dinner:
6.5 canned hot dogs: 295 (I miscalculated before =[)
1 small of thin-sliced wholemeal bread: 50ish
Total for the day: approx 360 calories.
More than I'd originally thought it would be, but still decent, methinks =]
Fingers crossed the scale will reflect it tomorrow.
I'm going (back) to bed now so I'll talk to you all tomorrow
Vee xox
Friday, 12 June 2009
Going Strong!
Totally making up for yesterday big time!
It's currently 3:30 in the afternoon here in Sunny ol' England (and it actually IS sunny here for a change what the shit?) and I'm leaving work at 4. And so far I have consumed 5 calories, in the form of a 500ml bottle of 7-Up Free.
My stomach was grumbling and hungry between 10 and 11ish, but I made myself wait until after 12 to make my 10-calorie soup. I plunged on with my work instead, and the next thing I knew it was nearly 2pm, and I wasn't even hungry anymore. Still am not, in fact.
So, fabulousness.
After a 10-kcal soup at home, and another bottle of 7-Up Free, my total intake will be exactly 20 calories.
As an aside, this right here is why I'm not sure it's worth me doing the ABC diet. Technically speaking, today would have been a 500 calorie day, but I'm strong and doing it well anyway. But that said, is it worth doing ANY plan at all? I spent all of yesterday agonizing that I needed a structure, but yet here I am doing it on my own and ignoring what structure dictates.
Something to think about, I guess.
Have a nice weekend dolls! Hopefully my internet will be hooked up soon, so I can post when I'm not at work =/
Vee xox
It's currently 3:30 in the afternoon here in Sunny ol' England (and it actually IS sunny here for a change what the shit?) and I'm leaving work at 4. And so far I have consumed 5 calories, in the form of a 500ml bottle of 7-Up Free.
My stomach was grumbling and hungry between 10 and 11ish, but I made myself wait until after 12 to make my 10-calorie soup. I plunged on with my work instead, and the next thing I knew it was nearly 2pm, and I wasn't even hungry anymore. Still am not, in fact.
So, fabulousness.
After a 10-kcal soup at home, and another bottle of 7-Up Free, my total intake will be exactly 20 calories.
As an aside, this right here is why I'm not sure it's worth me doing the ABC diet. Technically speaking, today would have been a 500 calorie day, but I'm strong and doing it well anyway. But that said, is it worth doing ANY plan at all? I spent all of yesterday agonizing that I needed a structure, but yet here I am doing it on my own and ignoring what structure dictates.
Something to think about, I guess.
Have a nice weekend dolls! Hopefully my internet will be hooked up soon, so I can post when I'm not at work =/
Vee xox
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Confessional
So far, so good.
Last night I stuck to my guns and just had a 10 calorie chicken flavoured soup for dinner. Add two mugs of Dr Pepper Zero, and that was it last night. Added to the cereal-soymilk-yogurt at work and my daily total was 199 =]
So pleased with myself. Even moreso because my daily weigh in registered a drop of FIVE POUNDS since yesterday. Because of that, I'm feeling more comfortable admitting the current state of affairs. This morning I was 199.4lbs. I'm still in denial and can't bring myself to post the number that turned up yesterday, but I'm sure you can all do the simple math. And that is why I felt like a failure. I weighed MORE yesterday than I did when I started this blog.
But progress has been made and the big cut to my calorie intake seems to have done the job. I will readily admit that at least half of it is probably water weight, and some of the weigh in yesterday might have been water and bowel weight - but regardless of the reason for the numbers, the one that turned up yesterday was simply unacceptible.
Today I am planning more of the same. I've had my cereal, I've got another fat free yogurt for lunch, and I've got the 10-calorie soups in the cupboard at home. So all going according to plan today should be 199 calories again.
We may or may not be going to the cinema tonight. J wants to see the new Star Trek movie before she has her surgery (tomorrow) and my aunt said we'd go last night to get it in before the big surgery date. Of course, when I got home from work last night my aunt professed to being too tired and said we'd go tonight instead. J said she had a lot to do (getting all her things together for the hospital, and they're bringing the big TV from the old house tonight too) and wasn't sure we'd have time. Then my aunt was like "Well we don't have to go if you don't want to" and I really wanted to laugh. I wanted to say "J is the one that WANTS to go, you're the one making excuses not to" - especially since they just sat at home and watched tv until 11 anyway, so we might as well have gone to see the movie.
But, I'm digressing. All that is to say that we're planning to go to see it tonight, but then they're not sure it'll happen. We'll see.
Tomorrow will be a busy day. I've got the day off work, and we're going with J to the hospital in the morning. She has to be there at 7. Ordinarily I would be near suicidal at that idea, because I am so desperately not a morning person. But since we moved into the new house my sleeping problems have grown more severe (fucking lack of decent curtains!!) so every day since we moved I've been awake between 5 and 5:30. So it's not really a big deal to have to leave around 6 tomorrow morning.
Then, I need to see if I can get my aunt to take me to the mall or to town or something because I need to pick up a couple things. It was my friend S's birthday last Friday and I'm going out with her on Saturday (shopping and planning our trip to Manchester next week and getting out free Starbucks and we're supposed to be lunching at Nandos, which is definitely going to be a challenge) so I need to pick up a card and a present. And I'm at a total loss. I've only known S since like October of last year, but she's quickly become one of my best friends (and I'm pretty sure she used to have an eating disorder because the last time we went out we were discussing diets and my aunts' surgery and she said "Just try the not-eating diet. I did that, and I used to weigh 6 stone until I met L (her boyfriend-now-fiancee)") But again, I'm digressing.
I'm not sure what to get for her. I know she's into Urban Decay makeup but I don't know what she already has and I don't want to buy her something she's already got. Ditto with cookbooks (specifically baking ones). So I might just buy her a leather wallet with butterflies on it that she saw when we went to River Island a couple of weeks ago. She'll probably expect it, because as she was agonizing over whether to get it or not I asked her then and there if she wanted me to get it for her birthday. But at least I know it's something she wants.
And then, I also need to get something for my grandmother. Christ, I can't remember if I blogged about this yesterday or if it was just in the email I sent S in the afternoon. Let me check, haha. Okay, no I didn't.
A couple of months ago I bought a few pairs of Rocket Dog flats. And I love them (I bought 2 each of 2 different styles, and the one style fit awesomely but the other style fits snug so I don't wear them often, even though they're nicer than the others). And, so does my grandmother. So I was going to get her a pair for cheap off of Ebay (where I got 3 of my 4 pairs from") for her birthday. They'd be perfect for summer, if we ever get a summer here.
Of course, then we moved, and I haven't had the internet for a week and a half. I was under the impression we'd have our broadband hooked up a couple of days after moving, but that's not the case. The old broadband was still hooked up, I think it's being disconnected today, and AOL said they couldn't hook theirs up until the old one was cut off. So, fun times. Anyway, now it's too late to order some in time for granny's birthday, since it's this Friday. So I'll probably get her a gift set from Lush or something.
I am queen of the cop-out gifts, it seems.
Anyway, I need to get some work done so I'll talk to you later.
Love you lots!
Vee xox
This is my new leaf. Watch me turn it over.
Last night I stuck to my guns and just had a 10 calorie chicken flavoured soup for dinner. Add two mugs of Dr Pepper Zero, and that was it last night. Added to the cereal-soymilk-yogurt at work and my daily total was 199 =]
So pleased with myself. Even moreso because my daily weigh in registered a drop of FIVE POUNDS since yesterday. Because of that, I'm feeling more comfortable admitting the current state of affairs. This morning I was 199.4lbs. I'm still in denial and can't bring myself to post the number that turned up yesterday, but I'm sure you can all do the simple math. And that is why I felt like a failure. I weighed MORE yesterday than I did when I started this blog.
But progress has been made and the big cut to my calorie intake seems to have done the job. I will readily admit that at least half of it is probably water weight, and some of the weigh in yesterday might have been water and bowel weight - but regardless of the reason for the numbers, the one that turned up yesterday was simply unacceptible.
Today I am planning more of the same. I've had my cereal, I've got another fat free yogurt for lunch, and I've got the 10-calorie soups in the cupboard at home. So all going according to plan today should be 199 calories again.
We may or may not be going to the cinema tonight. J wants to see the new Star Trek movie before she has her surgery (tomorrow) and my aunt said we'd go last night to get it in before the big surgery date. Of course, when I got home from work last night my aunt professed to being too tired and said we'd go tonight instead. J said she had a lot to do (getting all her things together for the hospital, and they're bringing the big TV from the old house tonight too) and wasn't sure we'd have time. Then my aunt was like "Well we don't have to go if you don't want to" and I really wanted to laugh. I wanted to say "J is the one that WANTS to go, you're the one making excuses not to" - especially since they just sat at home and watched tv until 11 anyway, so we might as well have gone to see the movie.
But, I'm digressing. All that is to say that we're planning to go to see it tonight, but then they're not sure it'll happen. We'll see.
Tomorrow will be a busy day. I've got the day off work, and we're going with J to the hospital in the morning. She has to be there at 7. Ordinarily I would be near suicidal at that idea, because I am so desperately not a morning person. But since we moved into the new house my sleeping problems have grown more severe (fucking lack of decent curtains!!) so every day since we moved I've been awake between 5 and 5:30. So it's not really a big deal to have to leave around 6 tomorrow morning.
Then, I need to see if I can get my aunt to take me to the mall or to town or something because I need to pick up a couple things. It was my friend S's birthday last Friday and I'm going out with her on Saturday (shopping and planning our trip to Manchester next week and getting out free Starbucks and we're supposed to be lunching at Nandos, which is definitely going to be a challenge) so I need to pick up a card and a present. And I'm at a total loss. I've only known S since like October of last year, but she's quickly become one of my best friends (and I'm pretty sure she used to have an eating disorder because the last time we went out we were discussing diets and my aunts' surgery and she said "Just try the not-eating diet. I did that, and I used to weigh 6 stone until I met L (her boyfriend-now-fiancee)") But again, I'm digressing.
I'm not sure what to get for her. I know she's into Urban Decay makeup but I don't know what she already has and I don't want to buy her something she's already got. Ditto with cookbooks (specifically baking ones). So I might just buy her a leather wallet with butterflies on it that she saw when we went to River Island a couple of weeks ago. She'll probably expect it, because as she was agonizing over whether to get it or not I asked her then and there if she wanted me to get it for her birthday. But at least I know it's something she wants.
And then, I also need to get something for my grandmother. Christ, I can't remember if I blogged about this yesterday or if it was just in the email I sent S in the afternoon. Let me check, haha. Okay, no I didn't.
A couple of months ago I bought a few pairs of Rocket Dog flats. And I love them (I bought 2 each of 2 different styles, and the one style fit awesomely but the other style fits snug so I don't wear them often, even though they're nicer than the others). And, so does my grandmother. So I was going to get her a pair for cheap off of Ebay (where I got 3 of my 4 pairs from") for her birthday. They'd be perfect for summer, if we ever get a summer here.
Of course, then we moved, and I haven't had the internet for a week and a half. I was under the impression we'd have our broadband hooked up a couple of days after moving, but that's not the case. The old broadband was still hooked up, I think it's being disconnected today, and AOL said they couldn't hook theirs up until the old one was cut off. So, fun times. Anyway, now it's too late to order some in time for granny's birthday, since it's this Friday. So I'll probably get her a gift set from Lush or something.
I am queen of the cop-out gifts, it seems.
Anyway, I need to get some work done so I'll talk to you later.
Love you lots!
Vee xox
This is my new leaf. Watch me turn it over.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Good? Maybe.
This weekend was a shittalicious weekend. I mean I didn't overeat (aside from the bag of popcorn at the cinema on Saturday night, but I haven't had cinema popcorn in over a year and a half and I needed to get it out of my system. And after all the popcorn kernel skin crap that got all up in my gums, I'm kind of getting sick of it already) so it wasn't bad in THAT sense.
But it was bad in the sense that I managed to weigh myself and then nearly dropped dead right there in my bathroom.
I can't even bring myself to type or say it. I'm in denial. But this has forced me to really need to do something about it. I mean, the need has been there for a while but I let myself become complacent. Saying, hey, I've eaten more than I should but it's still less than a "normal person" so it's ok. But it isn't okay.
So, back to basics, baby.
Today has been a good day so far.
For breakfast I brought cereal to work. I found this awesome gadget at Morrison's this weekend that is like two pots that screw together. The bottom one has a gel lining and you put it in the freezer (like those plastic cups you get in summer with gel in it and you freeze it so it keeps your drinks cold?) and you put your milk in it and it keeps your milk cold. The top part you put the cereal into, then screw it on top of the milk part, pop it in a bag and you're good to go. The lid even has a foldy spoon in it. Super handy.
So, I bought some unsweetened soymilk. My aunts spent all last night bitching about how horrible soymilk is and yick. But honestly, I couldn't really tell a difference between that and the semiskimmed/2% they usually buy for cereal. Although, I don't like milk anyway so it all tastes just as nonyummy to me I guess.
So I had:
Half a cup of Special K cereal = Around 60 kcals (I'm going off the guidelines for Red Berries, which is slightly more than the one I bought)
Around 100mls of unsweetened Soymilk = Around 29kcals (I'll need to check the carton and do exact calcs when I get home)
That was breakfast. Then for lunch I just had a fat-free vanilla yogurt for 100 calories.
Total so far? 189. Yay, under 200!
Last night for dinner I had a Weight Watcher's Shepherd's pie. And you know what, it was pretty damn good, and only 220 calories. Which is MUCH better than some of the frozen meals out there. I don't think I've got another at home so it'll either be a salmon-broccoli-wedge-melt (around 290?) or a Slimfast Shake (219). Depending on how I feel when I get home I might actually up the ante a little and just have another 100-kcal yogurt
So... That makes my max at under 500, which is live-with-able. But I'm going to aim for that Yogurt because having sub-300 would just feel amazing.
OH SNAP. I just remembered I picked up some 10-calorie soups! Ignore all of the above, I'm having 10-calorie soup for dinner.
Total: 199 Calories.
Fuck. Yes.
We can do this ladies. Fuck yes we can.
Vee xox
But it was bad in the sense that I managed to weigh myself and then nearly dropped dead right there in my bathroom.
I can't even bring myself to type or say it. I'm in denial. But this has forced me to really need to do something about it. I mean, the need has been there for a while but I let myself become complacent. Saying, hey, I've eaten more than I should but it's still less than a "normal person" so it's ok. But it isn't okay.
So, back to basics, baby.
Today has been a good day so far.
For breakfast I brought cereal to work. I found this awesome gadget at Morrison's this weekend that is like two pots that screw together. The bottom one has a gel lining and you put it in the freezer (like those plastic cups you get in summer with gel in it and you freeze it so it keeps your drinks cold?) and you put your milk in it and it keeps your milk cold. The top part you put the cereal into, then screw it on top of the milk part, pop it in a bag and you're good to go. The lid even has a foldy spoon in it. Super handy.
So, I bought some unsweetened soymilk. My aunts spent all last night bitching about how horrible soymilk is and yick. But honestly, I couldn't really tell a difference between that and the semiskimmed/2% they usually buy for cereal. Although, I don't like milk anyway so it all tastes just as nonyummy to me I guess.
So I had:
Half a cup of Special K cereal = Around 60 kcals (I'm going off the guidelines for Red Berries, which is slightly more than the one I bought)
Around 100mls of unsweetened Soymilk = Around 29kcals (I'll need to check the carton and do exact calcs when I get home)
That was breakfast. Then for lunch I just had a fat-free vanilla yogurt for 100 calories.
Total so far? 189. Yay, under 200!
Last night for dinner I had a Weight Watcher's Shepherd's pie. And you know what, it was pretty damn good, and only 220 calories. Which is MUCH better than some of the frozen meals out there. I don't think I've got another at home so it'll either be a salmon-broccoli-wedge-melt (around 290?) or a Slimfast Shake (219). Depending on how I feel when I get home I might actually up the ante a little and just have another 100-kcal yogurt
So... That makes my max at under 500, which is live-with-able. But I'm going to aim for that Yogurt because having sub-300 would just feel amazing.
OH SNAP. I just remembered I picked up some 10-calorie soups! Ignore all of the above, I'm having 10-calorie soup for dinner.
Total: 199 Calories.
Fuck. Yes.
We can do this ladies. Fuck yes we can.
Vee xox
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Fuck
Last night I received the final bit of motivation I needed to get back on track fully.
After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.
Embarassing and pissed-off-making.
I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.
But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.
So, that was that.
Today my meal plan is as follows:
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch
At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]
If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.
The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.
I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.
Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.
Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.
Did I mention I fucking hate moving?
But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.
And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.
Pros:
Exercise! YAAAAAY!
Cons:
Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Rain
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty
I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.
But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.
Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!
Oh also, more excitedness!
Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!
Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.
I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)
Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox
After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.
Embarassing and pissed-off-making.
I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.
But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.
So, that was that.
Today my meal plan is as follows:
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch
At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]
If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.
The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.
I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.
Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.
Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.
Did I mention I fucking hate moving?
But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.
And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.
Pros:
Exercise! YAAAAAY!
Cons:
Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Rain
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty
I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.
But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.
Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!
Oh also, more excitedness!
Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!
Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.
I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)
Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox
Friday, 1 May 2009
The Update You've Been Waiting For
So it seems yesterday was a craptastic day for nearly everyone. What is it about the end of the month that sends us crazy? We'll probably never know, but I gotta say, almost EVERYbody I know (which means people "in person" as well as internet friends and bloggers) had a crappy day yesterday.
Suddenly I don't feel so alone in my shittaliciousness.
So, last night.
I got a text message from my aunt just after 4 yesterday afternoon, telling me that we were meeting some friends for dinner. I was supposed to be working overtime until 6:30, which I had told her the night before (but, I won't pretend she actually remembers ANYthing that I say to her, so I can't honestly say I'm surprised). So, I immediately texted back asking what time we were meeting, because I was supposed to work late.
No answer. So I tried calling the house, no answer (they both had appointments with their surgeons about the gastric bypass surgery, and were still at the hospital. My aunt's was a kind of preop, her partner's was basically just to find out if the doctor would agree to do it. Both went well for them, incidentally). Called my aunt's mobile phone, it was turned off. Called her partner's phone, no answer.
So I was at work thinking, well this is fucking great. Springing on me that we're going out, without telling me when or where, without giving me a god damn chance to find out if I can even get off work. I hate it when she does this, she always just assumes I can leave whenever I want to. A couple of weeks ago she called me at 4pm to say "I'm outside to pick you up" so I had to rush to get out. Nevermind that leaving before 5 is supposed to be agreed with your manager here. And that I was supposed to do an hour and a half fucking overtime. Sigh.
So last night was more of the same. It wasn't a case of "we're going out to dinner, and you can come if you really want to" it was a "we're meeting S and H for dinner tonight" meaning, I'm expected to be there.
So FINALLY she texted back saying I had to be home by 6, which meant I had to take off at 5. I knew I could skip out an hour earlier because one hour of the overtime I was doing was for another team entirely and I just emailed them to say I can't do it. MY team, however... my manager had already put through my hour and a half of overtime onto the HR overtime system. Which meant, it was definitely going to be paid in May's pay, whether I worked it or not. And if I didn't, I'd be in shit and probably not allowed to do overtime anymore. And I really need the money.
Luckily, my manager is awesome. To be honest, the last two managers I've had have been amazing and wonderfully friendly people. So I just told him I had to leave, and asked if I could make up the extra half hour tomorrow (today), and he was nice and basically said yep that was perfectly okay. SO I'm safe, and just finished doing that half hour about 4 minutes ago.
So, I got home, had a chance to change my shoes and fix my makeup, and we were off to the restaurant. And by restaurant, what I really mean is pub.
I got a large diet coke and drank half of it before the meal, trying to fill up on fluids before we ordered. Everyone else was having a carvery so, two kinds of meat plus yorkshire puddings, stuffing, veggies and gravy. I *could* conceivably have gotten away with filling up on veggies and leaving the meat, but the last time we went there I had the carvery and it was fucking disgusting. I mean, who has fucking MUSHY PEAS with roast beef and gravy!?
Of course, I don't like mushy peas (or really, any kind of peas) at the best of times.
So, I thought I'd order a salad or a fish dish. Exept, when we got there I quickly realized, this is a PUB not a swanky restaurant where they'll have grilled tuna salad on the menu. They had fish and chips and breaded prawns and that kind of crap, but everything was deep fried. And the salads were horrendous. Bad times.
So in the end I ordered some roast chicken, because it was probably the healthiest, not-fried-in-fat thing on the menu. And some garlic bread, which I admit right off the bat was bad, but I was craving it and couldn't say no.
When the food came, it wasn't too bad... I gave my aunt half the garlic bread and nibbledon mine. Picked apart the chicken and ate some of the meat. Had a couple pieces of carrots and forkfuls of mashed potato.
BUT, I think I overdid it with the chicken, and felt really sick after I'd eaten. I haven't eaten much proper food in the past week, and my stomach wasn't used to the feeling. It almost hurt, even though I know I didn't overstuff myself or anything.
I have no excuses. I ate too much chicken and I shouldn't have had garlic bread. So it was my own fault, and I felt really shitty for it yesterday. After we ate, S (my aunt's work-mate's husband, who we're all good buddies with) kept pestering me to get dessert. And dessert at this place isn't "two scoops of fat-free vanilla ice cream" or "three scoops of mango sorbet". Dessert at this place consists of the most fat-filled chocolate-monstrosities of cakes. The last time we went there, I will admit that I had dessert, but I was in a bingeful period at the time. It was a chocolate fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. And that was probably the healthiest thing on the dessert menu, I shit you not. You should have seen the cake my aunts had that time. A big chocolate cake, covered in tons of icing, with maltesers, flakes, bits of broken up mars bars and curly wurlies, and fuck knows what else.
I couldn't eat that even on a fat day.
Eventually I told S to fuck off, I'd already "ruined my diet" and did not need more shit in my body, and he finally shut up.
I Felt really sick and had to excuse myself to the bathroom, thinking I was going to throw it back up again. I thought it was probably a mental reaction to eating mashed potatoes - I've felt sick after eating them ever since I made some creamy ones several weeks ago and immediately threw up more forcefully than I have ever thrown up (except that time I had bad food poisoning from fish, bad times). Luckily, I managed to keep it down. Starving myself is fine and almost enjoyable and as I said before brings a euphoric feeling. But I refuse to let Mia into my life, so I struggled to hold my shit together even though I was genuinely feeling nauseous, and not just sticking my fingers down my throat.
When we got home I immediately went to bed. I was exhausted and I felt sick.
But this morning I woke up and it is a new day. Yesterday is a complete write-off, and I'm up a full pound from yesterday morning. I was expecting it though, expecting worse, so I'm not as upset about it as I probably should be. Today is a new day, and I'm happy to spend a day undoing yesterday's damage.
That said, today is a fast day. Water, strawberry tea, and maybe some coke zero, are all that is on the menu. And when I get home tonight, I'm going to try another saltwater flush, but with more sea salt this time. Hopefully it works this time =/
All that aside, I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I have light blonde highlights and should have had my roots done like six weeks ago, so I'm going for a touch-up and a cut (and by cut I really mean a slight trim and some more added layers). If my stylist (and another one of my aunt's friends, who owns her own salon, so it's awesome and she's pretty cheap =]) has the time, I might get a full colour done to lighten up my "base" colour a little and then have highlights done on top of it. We'll see.
I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about, but I can't remember. So, more later.
Love you girls. And I know a lot of us fucked up yesterday, but today is a new day, a new month. Let's use May to kick some serious ass.
Vee xox
ps: I've ordered a book called "Hungry Girls: 200 recipes under 200 calories" from Amazon along with my ED books and tarot cards. Once it comes I'll start cross-posting the recipes onto my foodblog =] So there will be a lot more content over there soon!
Suddenly I don't feel so alone in my shittaliciousness.
So, last night.
I got a text message from my aunt just after 4 yesterday afternoon, telling me that we were meeting some friends for dinner. I was supposed to be working overtime until 6:30, which I had told her the night before (but, I won't pretend she actually remembers ANYthing that I say to her, so I can't honestly say I'm surprised). So, I immediately texted back asking what time we were meeting, because I was supposed to work late.
No answer. So I tried calling the house, no answer (they both had appointments with their surgeons about the gastric bypass surgery, and were still at the hospital. My aunt's was a kind of preop, her partner's was basically just to find out if the doctor would agree to do it. Both went well for them, incidentally). Called my aunt's mobile phone, it was turned off. Called her partner's phone, no answer.
So I was at work thinking, well this is fucking great. Springing on me that we're going out, without telling me when or where, without giving me a god damn chance to find out if I can even get off work. I hate it when she does this, she always just assumes I can leave whenever I want to. A couple of weeks ago she called me at 4pm to say "I'm outside to pick you up" so I had to rush to get out. Nevermind that leaving before 5 is supposed to be agreed with your manager here. And that I was supposed to do an hour and a half fucking overtime. Sigh.
So last night was more of the same. It wasn't a case of "we're going out to dinner, and you can come if you really want to" it was a "we're meeting S and H for dinner tonight" meaning, I'm expected to be there.
So FINALLY she texted back saying I had to be home by 6, which meant I had to take off at 5. I knew I could skip out an hour earlier because one hour of the overtime I was doing was for another team entirely and I just emailed them to say I can't do it. MY team, however... my manager had already put through my hour and a half of overtime onto the HR overtime system. Which meant, it was definitely going to be paid in May's pay, whether I worked it or not. And if I didn't, I'd be in shit and probably not allowed to do overtime anymore. And I really need the money.
Luckily, my manager is awesome. To be honest, the last two managers I've had have been amazing and wonderfully friendly people. So I just told him I had to leave, and asked if I could make up the extra half hour tomorrow (today), and he was nice and basically said yep that was perfectly okay. SO I'm safe, and just finished doing that half hour about 4 minutes ago.
So, I got home, had a chance to change my shoes and fix my makeup, and we were off to the restaurant. And by restaurant, what I really mean is pub.
I got a large diet coke and drank half of it before the meal, trying to fill up on fluids before we ordered. Everyone else was having a carvery so, two kinds of meat plus yorkshire puddings, stuffing, veggies and gravy. I *could* conceivably have gotten away with filling up on veggies and leaving the meat, but the last time we went there I had the carvery and it was fucking disgusting. I mean, who has fucking MUSHY PEAS with roast beef and gravy!?
Of course, I don't like mushy peas (or really, any kind of peas) at the best of times.
So, I thought I'd order a salad or a fish dish. Exept, when we got there I quickly realized, this is a PUB not a swanky restaurant where they'll have grilled tuna salad on the menu. They had fish and chips and breaded prawns and that kind of crap, but everything was deep fried. And the salads were horrendous. Bad times.
So in the end I ordered some roast chicken, because it was probably the healthiest, not-fried-in-fat thing on the menu. And some garlic bread, which I admit right off the bat was bad, but I was craving it and couldn't say no.
When the food came, it wasn't too bad... I gave my aunt half the garlic bread and nibbledon mine. Picked apart the chicken and ate some of the meat. Had a couple pieces of carrots and forkfuls of mashed potato.
BUT, I think I overdid it with the chicken, and felt really sick after I'd eaten. I haven't eaten much proper food in the past week, and my stomach wasn't used to the feeling. It almost hurt, even though I know I didn't overstuff myself or anything.
I have no excuses. I ate too much chicken and I shouldn't have had garlic bread. So it was my own fault, and I felt really shitty for it yesterday. After we ate, S (my aunt's work-mate's husband, who we're all good buddies with) kept pestering me to get dessert. And dessert at this place isn't "two scoops of fat-free vanilla ice cream" or "three scoops of mango sorbet". Dessert at this place consists of the most fat-filled chocolate-monstrosities of cakes. The last time we went there, I will admit that I had dessert, but I was in a bingeful period at the time. It was a chocolate fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. And that was probably the healthiest thing on the dessert menu, I shit you not. You should have seen the cake my aunts had that time. A big chocolate cake, covered in tons of icing, with maltesers, flakes, bits of broken up mars bars and curly wurlies, and fuck knows what else.
I couldn't eat that even on a fat day.
Eventually I told S to fuck off, I'd already "ruined my diet" and did not need more shit in my body, and he finally shut up.
I Felt really sick and had to excuse myself to the bathroom, thinking I was going to throw it back up again. I thought it was probably a mental reaction to eating mashed potatoes - I've felt sick after eating them ever since I made some creamy ones several weeks ago and immediately threw up more forcefully than I have ever thrown up (except that time I had bad food poisoning from fish, bad times). Luckily, I managed to keep it down. Starving myself is fine and almost enjoyable and as I said before brings a euphoric feeling. But I refuse to let Mia into my life, so I struggled to hold my shit together even though I was genuinely feeling nauseous, and not just sticking my fingers down my throat.
When we got home I immediately went to bed. I was exhausted and I felt sick.
But this morning I woke up and it is a new day. Yesterday is a complete write-off, and I'm up a full pound from yesterday morning. I was expecting it though, expecting worse, so I'm not as upset about it as I probably should be. Today is a new day, and I'm happy to spend a day undoing yesterday's damage.
That said, today is a fast day. Water, strawberry tea, and maybe some coke zero, are all that is on the menu. And when I get home tonight, I'm going to try another saltwater flush, but with more sea salt this time. Hopefully it works this time =/
All that aside, I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I have light blonde highlights and should have had my roots done like six weeks ago, so I'm going for a touch-up and a cut (and by cut I really mean a slight trim and some more added layers). If my stylist (and another one of my aunt's friends, who owns her own salon, so it's awesome and she's pretty cheap =]) has the time, I might get a full colour done to lighten up my "base" colour a little and then have highlights done on top of it. We'll see.
I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about, but I can't remember. So, more later.
Love you girls. And I know a lot of us fucked up yesterday, but today is a new day, a new month. Let's use May to kick some serious ass.
Vee xox
ps: I've ordered a book called "Hungry Girls: 200 recipes under 200 calories" from Amazon along with my ED books and tarot cards. Once it comes I'll start cross-posting the recipes onto my foodblog =] So there will be a lot more content over there soon!
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Failure v2.0
So, I hate myself.
Someone at work brought me a plate of various munchies... Everyone at work is always pressuring people to fucking eat something, everyone in my team is a god damn pig, I swear. And I caved and had a couple of things from the plate. Mostly since I thought "it'll be okay to have a couple things, it's not going to kill you or anything".
Sigh. I just did a tally of the few things I did eat, and the total is 655kcals. Including the yogurt this morning, that brings my total up to 757 calories.
I'm not a purge-er but I have to admit I did just try to get rid of some of it.. I know not everything came back out but at least some of it did so the damage won't be quite as high.
I hate purging but when I found out there were THAT many calories I couldn't help myself. Ugh.
I didn't even eat that much but there is more calories in that shit than I thought there would be. Fucking supermarket brands and their calorie-badness.
So, I'm sorry you guys. But I'm going to do a full tea-and-water fast tomorrow to make up for it. No braised lettuce for me tonight. =[
Someone at work brought me a plate of various munchies... Everyone at work is always pressuring people to fucking eat something, everyone in my team is a god damn pig, I swear. And I caved and had a couple of things from the plate. Mostly since I thought "it'll be okay to have a couple things, it's not going to kill you or anything".
Sigh. I just did a tally of the few things I did eat, and the total is 655kcals. Including the yogurt this morning, that brings my total up to 757 calories.
I'm not a purge-er but I have to admit I did just try to get rid of some of it.. I know not everything came back out but at least some of it did so the damage won't be quite as high.
I hate purging but when I found out there were THAT many calories I couldn't help myself. Ugh.
I didn't even eat that much but there is more calories in that shit than I thought there would be. Fucking supermarket brands and their calorie-badness.
So, I'm sorry you guys. But I'm going to do a full tea-and-water fast tomorrow to make up for it. No braised lettuce for me tonight. =[
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Only four hours left to go
Ugh. Working ten hours a day to rack up two and a half of overtime really bites.
But on a lighter note. Today started off really shitty, I was so tired I nearly fell asleep after my alarm went off, and was depressed and had no motivation - and to make matters worse I woke up convinced it was Thursday. Unfortunately, I am not that day closer to the weekend, and it ruined my day. Also, it was foggy and trying to rain and the weather was doing everything in its power to look like stereotypical Britain from a movie made by people who had never set foot in this country yet still decided to set it in London - which we ALL know is the only place in England. /sarcasm.
But now it's not so bad. I've had my sushi, and it was yummier than any other sushi I have ever had before, it was so wonderful. I feel guilty for eating it despite having lost less than half a pound last night, but at least I'm eating it earlier, yes? The sun is also shining outside, which is awesome but also sucks because I'm stuck in an office until 6:30 tonight, by which time it will probably be raining and windy as hell. The morning went by pretty quickly and I spent my first hour at work reading a couple blogs and ordering some books from Amazon. A new tarot/oracle card deck, two tarot books, and about twelve books on eating disorders. I need something new to read and unsuprisingly, this is what I would rather read right now. Though I do have to remind myself that my two favourite authors (Koontz and Palahniuk) both have new books coming out in not such a long time, so I'll need to make space for them.
I'll probably have to find an extra hour or two of overtime to AFFORD the books and the tarot cards, but it's cool. Maybe I'll stay at work til 7 instead of 6:30 tomorrow.
No, no I won't.
I'm rambling now so I'll stop and probably write something else later.
Calorie consumption so far today:
Strawberry Tea with Splenda Sweeteners: 1.8
Sushi: 395 - yeah, it's more than I thought but still not HUGE.
Now the big question. Do I make the braised lettuce when I get home? Or do I go without? I want to skip it but at the same time I can't make it tomorrow because I'm doing the saltwater flush. And I don't want my half-onion and cut-apart green pepper to go off, because again, I can't afford to waste any money.
I wish there was an ED-Friendly Supermarket that sold teeny portions so things wouldn't be wasted. Like single servings of like 1/4 cups of cereal, 1/4 of skim or soymilk, peppers and onions and tomatoes by the quarter and bananas by the half. Ice-cube packaged servings of ice cream. Celery by the stalk and individual berries and grapes. Half-size cans of soup.
Maybe I'm getting carried away now. Anyway, I'll talk to you guys later.
Vee xox
But on a lighter note. Today started off really shitty, I was so tired I nearly fell asleep after my alarm went off, and was depressed and had no motivation - and to make matters worse I woke up convinced it was Thursday. Unfortunately, I am not that day closer to the weekend, and it ruined my day. Also, it was foggy and trying to rain and the weather was doing everything in its power to look like stereotypical Britain from a movie made by people who had never set foot in this country yet still decided to set it in London - which we ALL know is the only place in England. /sarcasm.
But now it's not so bad. I've had my sushi, and it was yummier than any other sushi I have ever had before, it was so wonderful. I feel guilty for eating it despite having lost less than half a pound last night, but at least I'm eating it earlier, yes? The sun is also shining outside, which is awesome but also sucks because I'm stuck in an office until 6:30 tonight, by which time it will probably be raining and windy as hell. The morning went by pretty quickly and I spent my first hour at work reading a couple blogs and ordering some books from Amazon. A new tarot/oracle card deck, two tarot books, and about twelve books on eating disorders. I need something new to read and unsuprisingly, this is what I would rather read right now. Though I do have to remind myself that my two favourite authors (Koontz and Palahniuk) both have new books coming out in not such a long time, so I'll need to make space for them.
I'll probably have to find an extra hour or two of overtime to AFFORD the books and the tarot cards, but it's cool. Maybe I'll stay at work til 7 instead of 6:30 tomorrow.
No, no I won't.
I'm rambling now so I'll stop and probably write something else later.
Calorie consumption so far today:
Strawberry Tea with Splenda Sweeteners: 1.8
Sushi: 395 - yeah, it's more than I thought but still not HUGE.
Now the big question. Do I make the braised lettuce when I get home? Or do I go without? I want to skip it but at the same time I can't make it tomorrow because I'm doing the saltwater flush. And I don't want my half-onion and cut-apart green pepper to go off, because again, I can't afford to waste any money.
I wish there was an ED-Friendly Supermarket that sold teeny portions so things wouldn't be wasted. Like single servings of like 1/4 cups of cereal, 1/4 of skim or soymilk, peppers and onions and tomatoes by the quarter and bananas by the half. Ice-cube packaged servings of ice cream. Celery by the stalk and individual berries and grapes. Half-size cans of soup.
Maybe I'm getting carried away now. Anyway, I'll talk to you guys later.
Vee xox
Thursday, 19 February 2009
(037) 188.2lbs - Start of a bad day
So all in all, yesterday was a good day. I burned 400 calories at the gym, and stuck to my 400 day (maybe went over 20-50, I’m not 100% sure). I didn’t have anything big to eat when I got home, just a 99 calorie bag of Special K Mini Breaks, which was insanely yummy by the way. They taste a bit like chocolate Teddy Grahams to me. Mmm. Must not buy teddy grahams…
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Were they always that big??
That blog title sounds a little dirty, doesn't it? Especially when I expand upon it to make "Since when was six inches SO HUGE?!"
Ehehehe. If only what you were all thinking was true. The truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. BIG SURPRISE. But anyway, that's SO not what I'm talking about. The minute my dry spell is over I will be dishing details, but until then this blog post is about...
Subway.
I'm on a 400 day on the ABC plan, and I decided I wanted to treat myself to something yummy for lunch. Even though, after I went and bought it and was walking back to work, I wasn't even hungry. I've been craving chips and gravy (or even better, a poutine with yummy cheese curd melting all over), but I happen to know that there is no way I could fit it in. The chips in our canteen are all deep fried and horrible, and the gravy is greasy and comprised of like 96% animal fat.
Ew.
So, instead I went to Subway. The sub I had in total came out to... 350 calories, give or take. Didn't finish all the bread =].
Anyway, it was weird for me. All I "ate" yesterday was 200mls of chicken-broth-water worth a whole seventeen calories, so I thought I'd be physically STARVING and would never be able to sate that hunger. But I wasn't hungry as I began eating, and now I feel fuller than I have been in a long time. I remember a time when I could eat a footlong meatball sub with cheese and lots of lettuce, have a cookie, and sometimes STILL be hungry.
To that end, at least this past month of ABC (on and off as it was for the first couple of weeks) has accomplished one thing: Reducing my appetite. I mean, in total I've now lost 12.8lbs since January 14th, which is a feat in and of itself, especially considering the random gains and plateaus at the end of last month. But I hate feeling full, and if eating normal portions is going to make me feel like this, well, it's just more incentive to restrict harder.
The weird things is, I haven't even gone over for the day. After I get home from the gym I'm having my 19 calorie broth, so I'll still be grossing low for the day. But I still feel really full. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd gone for a sushi pack from tesco. BUT then I'd just wind up having a larger frozen meal after the gym, and I always feel sick if I eat a lot after working out. So I guess it's for the best. Plus I'm having my "larger meal" at lunchtime and have more time to burn it off before bedtime.
God, I ramble a lot, don't I?
Anyway. I just wanted to share those random thoughts, but now I need to get some more work done. I'm leaving the office in three hours so I need to get SOMEthing done.
Stay beautiful and think thin
Vee xoxox
ps: I wonder if that guy will be at the gym again tonight...? =]
Ehehehe. If only what you were all thinking was true. The truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. BIG SURPRISE. But anyway, that's SO not what I'm talking about. The minute my dry spell is over I will be dishing details, but until then this blog post is about...
Subway.
I'm on a 400 day on the ABC plan, and I decided I wanted to treat myself to something yummy for lunch. Even though, after I went and bought it and was walking back to work, I wasn't even hungry. I've been craving chips and gravy (or even better, a poutine with yummy cheese curd melting all over), but I happen to know that there is no way I could fit it in. The chips in our canteen are all deep fried and horrible, and the gravy is greasy and comprised of like 96% animal fat.
Ew.
So, instead I went to Subway. The sub I had in total came out to... 350 calories, give or take. Didn't finish all the bread =].
Anyway, it was weird for me. All I "ate" yesterday was 200mls of chicken-broth-water worth a whole seventeen calories, so I thought I'd be physically STARVING and would never be able to sate that hunger. But I wasn't hungry as I began eating, and now I feel fuller than I have been in a long time. I remember a time when I could eat a footlong meatball sub with cheese and lots of lettuce, have a cookie, and sometimes STILL be hungry.
To that end, at least this past month of ABC (on and off as it was for the first couple of weeks) has accomplished one thing: Reducing my appetite. I mean, in total I've now lost 12.8lbs since January 14th, which is a feat in and of itself, especially considering the random gains and plateaus at the end of last month. But I hate feeling full, and if eating normal portions is going to make me feel like this, well, it's just more incentive to restrict harder.
The weird things is, I haven't even gone over for the day. After I get home from the gym I'm having my 19 calorie broth, so I'll still be grossing low for the day. But I still feel really full. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd gone for a sushi pack from tesco. BUT then I'd just wind up having a larger frozen meal after the gym, and I always feel sick if I eat a lot after working out. So I guess it's for the best. Plus I'm having my "larger meal" at lunchtime and have more time to burn it off before bedtime.
God, I ramble a lot, don't I?
Anyway. I just wanted to share those random thoughts, but now I need to get some more work done. I'm leaving the office in three hours so I need to get SOMEthing done.
Stay beautiful and think thin
Vee xoxox
ps: I wonder if that guy will be at the gym again tonight...? =]
(036) - Goal One Achieved
So… my plan was to be down to 190lbs this morning, at a best. I figured I’d be down at least to 191, but was hoping and hoping for 190lbs. I wanted to hit that first goal again as soon as possible.
And ladies, I have succeeded in breaking it. I am in SUCH a good mood today it is ridiculous. I live for those ecstatic moments when you step on a scale and those lower-than-yesterday numbers pop up. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the day brings. As long as those numbers are lower, I can basically call it a “good day”. It sets up my mood for the rest of the day. If those numbers are higher, I will undoubtedly be mopey and depressed. If they’re lower, I’ll likely still be mopey and depressed, but maybe a little less so, and at least I’ll have that half-minute of supreme happiness to start the day with.
My scales this morning said 188.6lbs. I dropped 2.8lbs in 24 hours. I am unbelievably happy right now!
I’m psyched up to go to the gym again, even though my body is exhausted, I’ve got a headache, and my throat feels swollen. I plan to drink a load of water, so if it’s dehydration (I didn’t drink near as much as I should have yesterday), it should help. Although one of the guys I work with, has been working with someone who has Mumps, so there’s a chance he’s brought it in and given it to us all – at least two of us have the same symptoms right now. Swollen, sore throat, physically exhausted, couldn’t sleep last night because we felt SO HOT and kept tossing and turning. And that’s not like me. I am ALWAYS cold.
But I digress. 188.6! If I can lose a pound a day, I can reach my goal weight of 130… by the end of April. How amazing is that? I know it’s not likely that I will lose a pound a day, it’ll be up and down, but I can hope that it averages out. We’ll see I guess!
Anyway, I need to get some work done and try to stay awake, which is definitely going to be a challenge today. It’s a 400 day on ABC and I’m torn between restricting hard like I did yesterday, and giving myself some real food. I’ll have my broth for lunch, and see how I feel when I get home. If I’m super ravenous, I’ll have a 250 calorie frozen meal, which will still put me more than 100 calories under today.
Burn goal at the gym is at least 300, which is what I burned yesterday. I can probably do more if I stick to the treadmill for a full hour, which in itself should burn approximately 400+. Unfortunately, I can’t run. Sigh. My physical fitness level right now is such that I can jog-run on a treadmill for 3 minutes maximum before I need to slow down to a walking speed again, or risk passing out.
That’s another goal of mine. Increase my fitness level so that I can run at least 15 minutes at a stretch without having to pause. I’ll get there eventually, but I need to build up from speed-walking to jogging to running.
Right, gotta head off for now, more later tonight. Have a great day, ladies, and I hope you’re all feeling as amazing as I am right now =]
Stay beautiful, my darlings.
Love you all,
Vee xoxox
PS: If I do wind up sick again, I'm going to keep restricting this time. The roller coaster last time around was way too much and I refuse to fuck up and ever be over 190 again, now that I'm finally firmly in the 180s.
And ladies, I have succeeded in breaking it. I am in SUCH a good mood today it is ridiculous. I live for those ecstatic moments when you step on a scale and those lower-than-yesterday numbers pop up. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the day brings. As long as those numbers are lower, I can basically call it a “good day”. It sets up my mood for the rest of the day. If those numbers are higher, I will undoubtedly be mopey and depressed. If they’re lower, I’ll likely still be mopey and depressed, but maybe a little less so, and at least I’ll have that half-minute of supreme happiness to start the day with.
My scales this morning said 188.6lbs. I dropped 2.8lbs in 24 hours. I am unbelievably happy right now!
I’m psyched up to go to the gym again, even though my body is exhausted, I’ve got a headache, and my throat feels swollen. I plan to drink a load of water, so if it’s dehydration (I didn’t drink near as much as I should have yesterday), it should help. Although one of the guys I work with, has been working with someone who has Mumps, so there’s a chance he’s brought it in and given it to us all – at least two of us have the same symptoms right now. Swollen, sore throat, physically exhausted, couldn’t sleep last night because we felt SO HOT and kept tossing and turning. And that’s not like me. I am ALWAYS cold.
But I digress. 188.6! If I can lose a pound a day, I can reach my goal weight of 130… by the end of April. How amazing is that? I know it’s not likely that I will lose a pound a day, it’ll be up and down, but I can hope that it averages out. We’ll see I guess!
Anyway, I need to get some work done and try to stay awake, which is definitely going to be a challenge today. It’s a 400 day on ABC and I’m torn between restricting hard like I did yesterday, and giving myself some real food. I’ll have my broth for lunch, and see how I feel when I get home. If I’m super ravenous, I’ll have a 250 calorie frozen meal, which will still put me more than 100 calories under today.
Burn goal at the gym is at least 300, which is what I burned yesterday. I can probably do more if I stick to the treadmill for a full hour, which in itself should burn approximately 400+. Unfortunately, I can’t run. Sigh. My physical fitness level right now is such that I can jog-run on a treadmill for 3 minutes maximum before I need to slow down to a walking speed again, or risk passing out.
That’s another goal of mine. Increase my fitness level so that I can run at least 15 minutes at a stretch without having to pause. I’ll get there eventually, but I need to build up from speed-walking to jogging to running.
Right, gotta head off for now, more later tonight. Have a great day, ladies, and I hope you’re all feeling as amazing as I am right now =]
Stay beautiful, my darlings.
Love you all,
Vee xoxox
PS: If I do wind up sick again, I'm going to keep restricting this time. The roller coaster last time around was way too much and I refuse to fuck up and ever be over 190 again, now that I'm finally firmly in the 180s.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
(035) - Updateage
I need to start updating this thing again. Lately all my posts have been on an ABC community on LJ, and in my Livejournal blog. I do need to make an effort to keep this one updated too, though… after all, it was created before I joined Livejournal =/
Anyway. Quickish update.
I gained over the weekend due to Valentine’s Day Pasta. I didn’t think the pasta would be all that bad, since most of the calories would be in the pasta and I didn’t have a great deal of it. But I sat and calculated everything out, and the pasta dish was over 800 calories. Jesus. Effing. Christ.
Then I somehow managed to gain on Sunday too. So it was a shit bad weekend.
BUT. Yesterday I got by on 99 calories (150 day on ABC, but I wanted to keep as low as possible. I only had two cups of broth (meaning two stock cubes with hot water)) and a few slices of wafer thin chicken). I also went to bed at like 7:30 because I was insanely exhausted yesterday. I’m still a bit tired today, probably from OVER sleeping, but I feel better than I have in a long time right now.
Today’s plan: (it's a 200 day on ABC)
Work.
Only had 1 cup of broth (17 calories) (just finished this)
Drink lots of water and green tea
After work:
Go to the gym from 4:30 until 6 or just after.
Pray that I don’t miss the last bus home just after 6.
Have a hot bath and relax!
Another cup of broth (19 calories).
POSSIBLY have some wafer-thin-chicken-slices-wrapped-in-a-lettuce-leaf (for four of these puppies it’s 44 calories). Depends on how I feel when I get home. Hoping to not have it but if I’m starving and dying after the gym, I’ve got it in the daily budget.
Watch a movie on my pc, and burn a copy of The Tale Of Two Sisters for a girl at work to borrow.
Get my gym stuff ready for tomorrow.
Take measurements and record them in my diary. (I’ve lost 10lbs SURELY I must have lost even part of an inch right? Sigh, I hope so)
Go to bed early.
That is the plan anyway.
Hopefully I’ll manage to lose the other 2lbs that I’d gained over the weekend (Down 2 today from yesterday so halfway there) and then I can get started on some “fresh” weight loss. And the bonus: I’ll be back in the 180s!
Which is still ridiculously high but after yo-yoing in the 190s and even spending a brief while in the low 200s, the 180s are a breath of fresh air and SO SUPER MOTIVATING to lose the rest of it!
As of this morning I’m 191.4, so I think it’s plausible to be down to 189 by tomorrow. More likely the day after tomorrow, but a girl can dream, right?
Right, that’s my update for now, I’ll try to be more regular about updating this puppy =]
Stay beautiful, ladies!
Vee xxx
Anyway. Quickish update.
I gained over the weekend due to Valentine’s Day Pasta. I didn’t think the pasta would be all that bad, since most of the calories would be in the pasta and I didn’t have a great deal of it. But I sat and calculated everything out, and the pasta dish was over 800 calories. Jesus. Effing. Christ.
Then I somehow managed to gain on Sunday too. So it was a shit bad weekend.
BUT. Yesterday I got by on 99 calories (150 day on ABC, but I wanted to keep as low as possible. I only had two cups of broth (meaning two stock cubes with hot water)) and a few slices of wafer thin chicken). I also went to bed at like 7:30 because I was insanely exhausted yesterday. I’m still a bit tired today, probably from OVER sleeping, but I feel better than I have in a long time right now.
Today’s plan: (it's a 200 day on ABC)
Work.
Only had 1 cup of broth (17 calories) (just finished this)
Drink lots of water and green tea
After work:
Go to the gym from 4:30 until 6 or just after.
Pray that I don’t miss the last bus home just after 6.
Have a hot bath and relax!
Another cup of broth (19 calories).
POSSIBLY have some wafer-thin-chicken-slices-wrapped-in-a-lettuce-leaf (for four of these puppies it’s 44 calories). Depends on how I feel when I get home. Hoping to not have it but if I’m starving and dying after the gym, I’ve got it in the daily budget.
Watch a movie on my pc, and burn a copy of The Tale Of Two Sisters for a girl at work to borrow.
Get my gym stuff ready for tomorrow.
Take measurements and record them in my diary. (I’ve lost 10lbs SURELY I must have lost even part of an inch right? Sigh, I hope so)
Go to bed early.
That is the plan anyway.
Hopefully I’ll manage to lose the other 2lbs that I’d gained over the weekend (Down 2 today from yesterday so halfway there) and then I can get started on some “fresh” weight loss. And the bonus: I’ll be back in the 180s!
Which is still ridiculously high but after yo-yoing in the 190s and even spending a brief while in the low 200s, the 180s are a breath of fresh air and SO SUPER MOTIVATING to lose the rest of it!
As of this morning I’m 191.4, so I think it’s plausible to be down to 189 by tomorrow. More likely the day after tomorrow, but a girl can dream, right?
Right, that’s my update for now, I’ll try to be more regular about updating this puppy =]
Stay beautiful, ladies!
Vee xxx
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
014: Back on the Bandwagon
It’s been a bad few days.
The past week or so, I’ve had a fairly bad flu, I haven’t felt this horrible in quite a long time. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday, and still don’t feel up to par today. But, today I had to go back to work because to stay off any longer I would need a sick note from my doctor, and I can’t get into my doctor. Even to get antibiotics for my sinus infection, so I'm dosing up on decongestants to see if that will clear them out. Ugh.
I made the (probably stupid) decision to come off ABC for a few days to try to get past this. I’ve still been restricting and staying well under 700 calories a day, but I figured I needed to get some more nutrients than I have been. On the weekend I also went and bought some multivitamins, and some more calcium supplements, as I know I’ll need them to proceed with ABC and restricting – I already have a low immune system and I don’t want to wind up making myself sick again because I’m not getting vitamins and crap.
Anyway, I don’t know why I bothered. I woke up Wednesday morning at around 194lbs. After being horrifically sick on Wednesday, Thursday morning I woke up feeling exhausted and wonderfully weak and down to 191.5lbs, give or take a tenth or so. Then I managed to gain back a pound and a half over the weekend. At first I couldn’t understand why I had gained a little, when I’ve been eating under 700 calories a day. But then, on the other hand, I’ve been doing nothing but laying in bed feeling miserable for the past several days, so it’s probably the utter lack of activity that did it.
As of today I’m jumping back into ABC on Day 6 (a 200 day). I still feel like an absolute ball of shit, but if I’m not getting any better I don’t see the point in pulling away from ABC at all. I was going to restart the whole thing but I don’t want to have the 500 days right now. So the 200 day today is perfect. I have no food at all at work to eat, so I’ll be having nothing but green tea and water until I get home. And then I might have either part of a 300 calorie frozen meal, or a 200 calorie slimfast, and go to bed early.
Being so sick over the weekend, and my aunts being busy decorating, I didn’t get a chance to move the treadmill into my bedroom, so hopefully this coming weekend we’ll be able to. Either way, once I’m not sick, I’m going to start hitting the gym again, and to do some working out in my bedroom every night. I LOVE the burning feeling that those leg-lift crunches give me <3
In other news, my aunts are on the anti-diet right now. One got a referral for gastric bypass surgery yesterday and should get an appointment to meet with a surgeon in the main in the next month or so. My aunt figured out she needs to gain 16lbs to reach the target BMI of 50 to qualify. So all weekend they’ve been eating total crap, my aunt is eating WELL over 3,000 calories a day (After work last night she had at least 3,000 in a single sitting), trying to put on the weight by this Friday. Watching them devour total junk all the time makes me feel sick. And only strengthens my resolve.
I’m determined to lose my own weight before they do, and without any damned surgery to do it.
I have the willpower that they lack.
I miss that wonderful weak and shaky feeling. I’m hoping that now that I’m back on ABC I can get it back.
Keep chasing the dream!
Also, thanks for your comments and support. I truly appreciate it =]
Vee xx
The past week or so, I’ve had a fairly bad flu, I haven’t felt this horrible in quite a long time. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday, and still don’t feel up to par today. But, today I had to go back to work because to stay off any longer I would need a sick note from my doctor, and I can’t get into my doctor. Even to get antibiotics for my sinus infection, so I'm dosing up on decongestants to see if that will clear them out. Ugh.
I made the (probably stupid) decision to come off ABC for a few days to try to get past this. I’ve still been restricting and staying well under 700 calories a day, but I figured I needed to get some more nutrients than I have been. On the weekend I also went and bought some multivitamins, and some more calcium supplements, as I know I’ll need them to proceed with ABC and restricting – I already have a low immune system and I don’t want to wind up making myself sick again because I’m not getting vitamins and crap.
Anyway, I don’t know why I bothered. I woke up Wednesday morning at around 194lbs. After being horrifically sick on Wednesday, Thursday morning I woke up feeling exhausted and wonderfully weak and down to 191.5lbs, give or take a tenth or so. Then I managed to gain back a pound and a half over the weekend. At first I couldn’t understand why I had gained a little, when I’ve been eating under 700 calories a day. But then, on the other hand, I’ve been doing nothing but laying in bed feeling miserable for the past several days, so it’s probably the utter lack of activity that did it.
As of today I’m jumping back into ABC on Day 6 (a 200 day). I still feel like an absolute ball of shit, but if I’m not getting any better I don’t see the point in pulling away from ABC at all. I was going to restart the whole thing but I don’t want to have the 500 days right now. So the 200 day today is perfect. I have no food at all at work to eat, so I’ll be having nothing but green tea and water until I get home. And then I might have either part of a 300 calorie frozen meal, or a 200 calorie slimfast, and go to bed early.
Being so sick over the weekend, and my aunts being busy decorating, I didn’t get a chance to move the treadmill into my bedroom, so hopefully this coming weekend we’ll be able to. Either way, once I’m not sick, I’m going to start hitting the gym again, and to do some working out in my bedroom every night. I LOVE the burning feeling that those leg-lift crunches give me <3
In other news, my aunts are on the anti-diet right now. One got a referral for gastric bypass surgery yesterday and should get an appointment to meet with a surgeon in the main in the next month or so. My aunt figured out she needs to gain 16lbs to reach the target BMI of 50 to qualify. So all weekend they’ve been eating total crap, my aunt is eating WELL over 3,000 calories a day (After work last night she had at least 3,000 in a single sitting), trying to put on the weight by this Friday. Watching them devour total junk all the time makes me feel sick. And only strengthens my resolve.
I’m determined to lose my own weight before they do, and without any damned surgery to do it.
I have the willpower that they lack.
I miss that wonderful weak and shaky feeling. I’m hoping that now that I’m back on ABC I can get it back.
Keep chasing the dream!
Also, thanks for your comments and support. I truly appreciate it =]
Vee xx
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