“I just took my rent money out, should we just go blow it on alcohol?”
”Hell yes we should!”
”I’ll be all ‘yeah I just took my drug money out and..’ bahahaha drug money?! What the fuck??”
“That’s what the money’s REALLY for isn’t it? The truth just SLIPS OUT THERE!”
”Nonono, ok seriously. So, I got mugged and they stole my drug money—GOD DAMNIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”
“Hahahahaha”
”No ok seriously, I’m doing this yogurt diet with my aunt and the utter lack of solid food is playing games with my head.”
”Really? I couldn’t not eat. Aw bless, you’re so tired! Can’t you have like, a weight watcher’s meal or something? One meal a day?”
”My one meal a day is the SlimFast, haha.”
”Oh man, I couldn’t do that, if I were on FIRE and I was hungry, I’d have to get something to eat first and then sort out the damage from the flames later.”
”Hahah. Ok so ANYWAY, I’ll say I just took my drug money… AAGHHHHH!”
Random conversation. There’s a JM that I work with and he’s pretty epic. (He's also gorgeous and gay and skinny without even trying and I hate him just a little bit) We just had to go up to Tesco at lunch to get another girl/friend in our team at work a birthday present from our workmates. On the way back, the above conversation happened. And I almost died laughing. For whatever reason, I couldn’t say “rent money” and it kept coming out “drug money” about eight times. And I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, haha. So funny.
So, I’ve told a few friends about this yogurt diet I’m doing with my aunt. It’s funny, actually, because the “diet” itself is sanctioned by a surgeon, even though I’m only taking in between 200-500 calories a day (depending on whether I actually HAVE the slimfast, which I didn’t yesterday), it’s completely okay. My aunt actually suggested I do it with her. Yet earlier in the day she told me not to starve myself to lose weight.
Um, okay.
But yeah… it seems that, as long as something is said to be okay by some manner of medical professional, it’s totally alright and nobody will question that I’m eating nothing but two yogurts a day for days on end. I find that hypocritical, but on the other hand I’m glad about it.
Because right now I don’t actually have to HIDE how little I’m eating. I can be as open as I want to be and admit that I’m craving pineapple in a huge way but can’t have any. I can crack jokes when the girl next to me at work asks me to pass her the biscuit tin, knowing full well I won’t and can’t have a single one. I can be honest about how tired I am and that I’ve got a massive headache from low blood sugar.
But it’s encouraged by weight loss surgeons so it’s okay, don’t worry about me!
You know what though… the absolute BEST part about today (apart from the random 4lb weight loss, which I’m not completely expecting to stick because it’s likely 80% water weight) is that I’m not hungry at all. I’m craving random things, but I’m not giving in, and at least the things I’m craving are healthy things. But I don’t see the point in eating when I’m not hungry anyway, regardless of diets and eating disorders. I’m starving, but I don’t feel hunger. I have no hunger pains. The only negative thing I felt in the abdominal area was tummy ache from the milk products making my stomach upset, and even that’s subsided now.
I’ve had 97 calories and I’m not even hungry!
I am very thirsty though so I’ma go get a drink and get some work done.
Ridin’ the starvation high baby!
Showing posts with label thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thinking. Show all posts
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Update
Whew.
So, I've come to a decision kind of.
I'm definitely going to apply for the Japanese Studies course here. But I'm going to wait until the next application period instead of doing it now. The deadline for this period is in around two weeks, which doesn't give me time to get everything in line and get references from old teachers from my high school back in Canada. And I'd like to be able to go to an open day and speak to people in the department, and won't have the option in the next couple weeks.
However, the timing kind of coincides nicely and gives me some options.
My good buddy S told me before I went away that her department is hiring at the moment. Not on a permanent basis, for a one year contract with the company. It's actually the same company I work for now, but in a different department and a different building. Instead of pensions, which I work in now, she works in Health Care. But anyway. If I apply for one of those jobs and get it, it gives me a year to work and try to save up as much money as I can for when I won't be in full time employment. This should take me up to at least next February - which is when my sister's wedding is over in Canada. Since I'll be working / finishing employment, I don't have to worry about taking two weeks away from school to go over there for it. Then the school term runs from October I believe. Which gives me 7 months, during which time I'm sure I can find something else, or the company may extend my contract for an additional 6 months.
(Note: The comany we work for works that way. When I stopped temping and applied to work for the company directly, I was given a one year contract. Which was then extended by six months and then another six months before I was finally given a permanent contract with the company. The same happened with S when she moved to the HC branch. She was given a four month contract, which was extended for another four months and then they offered her a permanent position. A year to eighteen months is all I need to fill, provided I get into University next year)
This is still something I definitely want to persue, and I'll continue using my own digital aids to try to learn the language as I can in my own time. But the year gives me more time to prepare, more time to save up money that I'll need and pay off my credit card debt so I have a clean slate before I start getting student loans. It gives me a little bit of security in the time leading up to re-entering fulltime education. But it also gives me one year to make sure that this is NOT just a phase and a passing fancy. If I can keep this up for another full year and my interest and passion hasn't faded, then I know I'm making the right decision and going to university for something that is not just a whim, if that makes sense.
So, that's where I stand right now. I think if the application period were a couple of months from now and I had a little more time to prepare, I would go for it, but as it is I only have two weeks and that is not nearly enough time to get everything in order, especially since my case isn't as straightforward as it is for most people who enter University each year. I have the whole difference in the education systems between Canada and England to contend with, and when I last applied I was urged to get my application and information in as early as possible, and to contact the head of admissions in my chosen department to let him know of my circumstances. So January is just too close.
I'm hoping they might have a Spring term that starts though. I think the program I applied for before had two application periods, one for classes starting in October, and one for classes starting in March or April. Which would be ideal, but I can't find any reference to that for the Japanese Studies program. Which, again, is another reason to speak with someone at the University.
That was fairly longwinded, but right now I'm pretty happy with my decision. And even though I'm absolutely fucking dreading going back to work on Tuesday, I feel a little happier now that I've made some plans for the future and have somewhere to set my focus and my gaze. I'm not just staggering blindly through the dark trying to find a job that may someday become a career or figuring out what I want out of life. At least now I've got a plan for the next five years. And since the program includes one year of study in Japan, I'll get to experience living there for the year and will either love it or hate it and decide to move there or come back here. But at least now I feel like I have options. I have a mother fucking FIVE YEAR PLAN.
So, I've come to a decision kind of.
I'm definitely going to apply for the Japanese Studies course here. But I'm going to wait until the next application period instead of doing it now. The deadline for this period is in around two weeks, which doesn't give me time to get everything in line and get references from old teachers from my high school back in Canada. And I'd like to be able to go to an open day and speak to people in the department, and won't have the option in the next couple weeks.
However, the timing kind of coincides nicely and gives me some options.
My good buddy S told me before I went away that her department is hiring at the moment. Not on a permanent basis, for a one year contract with the company. It's actually the same company I work for now, but in a different department and a different building. Instead of pensions, which I work in now, she works in Health Care. But anyway. If I apply for one of those jobs and get it, it gives me a year to work and try to save up as much money as I can for when I won't be in full time employment. This should take me up to at least next February - which is when my sister's wedding is over in Canada. Since I'll be working / finishing employment, I don't have to worry about taking two weeks away from school to go over there for it. Then the school term runs from October I believe. Which gives me 7 months, during which time I'm sure I can find something else, or the company may extend my contract for an additional 6 months.
(Note: The comany we work for works that way. When I stopped temping and applied to work for the company directly, I was given a one year contract. Which was then extended by six months and then another six months before I was finally given a permanent contract with the company. The same happened with S when she moved to the HC branch. She was given a four month contract, which was extended for another four months and then they offered her a permanent position. A year to eighteen months is all I need to fill, provided I get into University next year)
This is still something I definitely want to persue, and I'll continue using my own digital aids to try to learn the language as I can in my own time. But the year gives me more time to prepare, more time to save up money that I'll need and pay off my credit card debt so I have a clean slate before I start getting student loans. It gives me a little bit of security in the time leading up to re-entering fulltime education. But it also gives me one year to make sure that this is NOT just a phase and a passing fancy. If I can keep this up for another full year and my interest and passion hasn't faded, then I know I'm making the right decision and going to university for something that is not just a whim, if that makes sense.
So, that's where I stand right now. I think if the application period were a couple of months from now and I had a little more time to prepare, I would go for it, but as it is I only have two weeks and that is not nearly enough time to get everything in order, especially since my case isn't as straightforward as it is for most people who enter University each year. I have the whole difference in the education systems between Canada and England to contend with, and when I last applied I was urged to get my application and information in as early as possible, and to contact the head of admissions in my chosen department to let him know of my circumstances. So January is just too close.
I'm hoping they might have a Spring term that starts though. I think the program I applied for before had two application periods, one for classes starting in October, and one for classes starting in March or April. Which would be ideal, but I can't find any reference to that for the Japanese Studies program. Which, again, is another reason to speak with someone at the University.
That was fairly longwinded, but right now I'm pretty happy with my decision. And even though I'm absolutely fucking dreading going back to work on Tuesday, I feel a little happier now that I've made some plans for the future and have somewhere to set my focus and my gaze. I'm not just staggering blindly through the dark trying to find a job that may someday become a career or figuring out what I want out of life. At least now I've got a plan for the next five years. And since the program includes one year of study in Japan, I'll get to experience living there for the year and will either love it or hate it and decide to move there or come back here. But at least now I feel like I have options. I have a mother fucking FIVE YEAR PLAN.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Trying to Stay Motivated
This morning I woke up exactly the same as I did yesterday. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I'm so stressed out and depressed right now, it's stupid. I don't even have a real reason to be stressed out and depressed, so maybe I'm just going through a bit of a downer phase. The very thought of trying to find space to unpack all of my shit makes me want to pass out. Honestly, I have SO MUCH SHIT. And I can't even think of anything to get rid of. Because damn it, I spent good money on accumulating this shit, and the minute I throw it away is the minute I'll need it again.
I'm such a damn pack rat.
I have so much art "stuff". Sketch books and artist pencils and charcoal and fine-tipped pens for inking in line art. But the sad truth is that I haven't touched a sketch book in... well. Over a year at least, I haven't touched any of it since I moved in with my aunts. I love to draw, but my perfectionism outweighs the level of my talent and whenever I try, I just get pissed off. It doesn't help that ALL I can draw are cartooney figures. And even then, only chicks. So really, what's the point, right?
And yet, I keep it. I've always been very creative and artistic, and even though I haven't touched any of it in over a year, it feels like a sin to get rid of it.
Ditto with my guitar. I wanted a guitar for YEARS. When I moved here, the first year I was here, on November 12th 2004, my aunt bought me a second-hand acoustic from a cash converters place. Early Christmas present. And I was SO excited. I printed off guitar tabs from the internet and set to work trying to learn, well, anything.
That was nearly five years ago, and I can only play one song. I can fumble through another VERY, retardedly, slowly. I almost never try. It feels like a lost cause because I've been learning so god damn slowly, don't know where to start.
This has given me a little bit of insight into my too-ready-to-give-up nature. And realizing it makes me more determined than ever to prove myself wrong and reach ONE of my god damn goals. Every other goal I've set just never happened.
Learn to play guitar.
Learn to speak Japanese (still in progress, though)
Get a university degree to be proud of, and then a "real job".
Finish writing my book before I'm 25.
That last one makes me both want to laugh and cry.
I started writing it in high school. Scrapped it and restarted it like four times so far. Right now, I'm 23 years old, and I have nine pages in a word document. Nine. Fucking. Pages. And everytime I go to write more, I have no motivation, no level of creativity, I don't know what to write. When I force myself to write another paragraph, two paragraphs, a page, I wind up deleting it because the beginning of the story flows and reads okay, but everything I add on reads so dumb and fucking redundant.
But the goal to hit 120lbs? I will fucking damn well get there. Today is a set back, in that my weight is the exact same, down to the tenth of a pound, as it was yesterday. But I'll get there. I have to.
So, today's planning. I had to deviate from what I wrote yesterday because I forgot to put my milk-cooler-thing into the freezer last night.
Morning Weigh-In: 203.6lbs
ABC Day: 3
Calorie Cap: 300
Breakfast Plan: Vitality Probiotic Drink
Breakfast Calories: 67
Lunch Plan: Vanilla Muller Light Yogurt
Lunch Calories: 100
Dinner Plan: Chicken 10-Calorie Soup
Dinner Calories: 10
Snack Plan: Strawberry Muller Light Yogurt
Snack Calories: 100
Total: 277 calories
The snack is provisional. I'm not banking on having it, but I'm making it an option if I feel like I need something else. I'd rather fill up on 100 calories worth of yogurt than grap a maple syrup granola bar or something. Anyway, it's there if I really want something else in the evening.
God, I'm so tired. Wish me luck for today, I'll need it just to stop from falling asleep at my desk.
Vee xox
I'm such a damn pack rat.
I have so much art "stuff". Sketch books and artist pencils and charcoal and fine-tipped pens for inking in line art. But the sad truth is that I haven't touched a sketch book in... well. Over a year at least, I haven't touched any of it since I moved in with my aunts. I love to draw, but my perfectionism outweighs the level of my talent and whenever I try, I just get pissed off. It doesn't help that ALL I can draw are cartooney figures. And even then, only chicks. So really, what's the point, right?
And yet, I keep it. I've always been very creative and artistic, and even though I haven't touched any of it in over a year, it feels like a sin to get rid of it.
Ditto with my guitar. I wanted a guitar for YEARS. When I moved here, the first year I was here, on November 12th 2004, my aunt bought me a second-hand acoustic from a cash converters place. Early Christmas present. And I was SO excited. I printed off guitar tabs from the internet and set to work trying to learn, well, anything.
That was nearly five years ago, and I can only play one song. I can fumble through another VERY, retardedly, slowly. I almost never try. It feels like a lost cause because I've been learning so god damn slowly, don't know where to start.
This has given me a little bit of insight into my too-ready-to-give-up nature. And realizing it makes me more determined than ever to prove myself wrong and reach ONE of my god damn goals. Every other goal I've set just never happened.
Learn to play guitar.
Learn to speak Japanese (still in progress, though)
Get a university degree to be proud of, and then a "real job".
Finish writing my book before I'm 25.
That last one makes me both want to laugh and cry.
I started writing it in high school. Scrapped it and restarted it like four times so far. Right now, I'm 23 years old, and I have nine pages in a word document. Nine. Fucking. Pages. And everytime I go to write more, I have no motivation, no level of creativity, I don't know what to write. When I force myself to write another paragraph, two paragraphs, a page, I wind up deleting it because the beginning of the story flows and reads okay, but everything I add on reads so dumb and fucking redundant.
But the goal to hit 120lbs? I will fucking damn well get there. Today is a set back, in that my weight is the exact same, down to the tenth of a pound, as it was yesterday. But I'll get there. I have to.
So, today's planning. I had to deviate from what I wrote yesterday because I forgot to put my milk-cooler-thing into the freezer last night.
Morning Weigh-In: 203.6lbs
ABC Day: 3
Calorie Cap: 300
Breakfast Plan: Vitality Probiotic Drink
Breakfast Calories: 67
Lunch Plan: Vanilla Muller Light Yogurt
Lunch Calories: 100
Dinner Plan: Chicken 10-Calorie Soup
Dinner Calories: 10
Snack Plan: Strawberry Muller Light Yogurt
Snack Calories: 100
Total: 277 calories
The snack is provisional. I'm not banking on having it, but I'm making it an option if I feel like I need something else. I'd rather fill up on 100 calories worth of yogurt than grap a maple syrup granola bar or something. Anyway, it's there if I really want something else in the evening.
God, I'm so tired. Wish me luck for today, I'll need it just to stop from falling asleep at my desk.
Vee xox
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Seeking Structure. Also a rant on Motivation VS Criticism.
I think I need to find a new plan to follow. At least until I can devise my own.
It's not that I've been doing badly, it's just that I seem to work better than I have a firm structured plan to follow. Something that is precise and exact and won't bend or sway just because I want it to. It's all well and good setting a calorie-specific goal for myself, but I need a plan, not just a take-it-as-it-comes lifestyle.
I dunno. Back when I first did the ABC diet... I'll admit there were a few days when I went over. But overall I lost quite a bit of weight. I think I dropped 6lbs or something in the first week. Which isn't exorbitant to any stretch of the imagination, but damnit it was something, it was good.
I originally backed away from ABC in favour of a more personal diet plan with a friend. Then, we were both busy with personal things and fell out of contact for a while. K and I have resumed our textual relationship now, and she mentioned today she's going back on ABC. And I'm tempted to join her.
At the time, ABC seemed almost too harsh and restricting, and I dreaded the fast days. In retrospect, I think I panicked over nothing. The restricting was kind of the entire point of it and I think after a while I lost sight of that. The enforced fast days were dreaded because they always fell on days when I just couldn't bring myself to do it; wheras on more than one 500 day I went by on 12 calories instead.
What I need to remember is that, while the calorie caps are firm and not to be fucked with, I can still change off the fast days if it's just not going to happen. I'd rather switch out a fast day and do it a couple of days later, than cheat and just not do it at all.
I found, though, that the ABC community we were a part of, had a very harsh and vindictive side to them that I wasn't expecting. That is not to say, by any means, that everyone on an ABC or ED community is like that. The wonderful people far outnumbered the random bitches. But, as we all know, the bad affects us more than the good does. One bad experience will sit in your mind heavier than ten good ones.
One day of weight gain makes you obsessive and moody and upset even if it's preceded and followed by ten days of straight losses.
Nobody was negative directly to me, but some of the comments being thrown around at others really did get to me. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that, the very same people who flooded into these communities for support and understanding, were turning around and insulting and criticizing other people who had done the same. And for the stupidest reasons. If someone hadn't been severely underweight, some people would tell them they were wannarexics and should fuck off elsewhere. These very same people who sought out a community of people in the same situation as them, couldn't find it in them to realize that not every eating disordered woman is a 68lb waif. The disorders are far much more mental, emotional, and psycholigical than physical.
Or, if someone couldn't handle their fast day and had 25 calories, they were told that they should just start over because they had failed.
Like I said, the encouraging comments were much more abundant, but when one person is calling you a fat fuckup, it doesn't matter much what the other 20 are saying. That one negative voice sounds louder and louder than the others, echoes around your head and in your mind and destroys the way you feel for longer than you'd think, longer than you'd like to let it.
All of this is to say, I'm wary of getting back into the ABC diet. Even though I don't have any intention of getting into any forums or communities, my plan is to stay right here, there's still that stigma attached to the ABC plan for me now. And I think a part of me will always associate it with hypocrisy and vindictive, unnecessary cruelty.
Let me say right now that I know some people out there might say "the negative comments are encouragement too!" and I would be lying if I said I didn't understand where you were coming from. On the one hand, it's wrong to call somebody a fuck up, especially to someone who firmly believes that she IS one. On the other hand, can it really do much help to someone by telling them it's okay to eat as much fatty food as they want?
But really, at the end of the day, I think positive encouragement is less damaging than negative criticism. What girls in this community want are people who understand the fact that people fuck up from time to time. But fucking up once or twice, or a dozen times does not make YOU a fuck-up! We all do it. This lifestyle is not a choice, but it IS a struggle. We struggle with what we want and what we need. And sometimes those things don't always fall into line.
I guess this post has kind of come off the rails. Rather than just being about my desire for a structured plan to follow, it's turned into a tirade, and for that I apologise. I just think it's important for me to get this out, because I think what I have to say *is* important, even though you might not.
The message I guess I'm trying to get across is that people in the Eating Disordered community have enough negativity in themselves already. They don't need someone else calling them a failure and a fuck up, because the truth is that inside they're already berating themselves and thinking far worse things about themselves.
The best thing you can do when you hear or read that someone did something they shouldn't** have done - whether that be bingeing and purging, going over their calorie cap, skipping a day at the gym, or even just eating that piece of cake that was shoved in their face - is to tell them that it's okay. That they can move past it and do better, and that one setback is not going to run their goals and their progress. And not to tell them how badly they've done and that it's not okay and they're a failure.
Because you know what? Calling somebody a fat failure of a fuckup? You're just reinforcing what they probably already think of themselves. And if a person keeps hearing over and over again that they are a fat failure of a fuckup, there's always that chance that they'll give up. They'll ask what the point is, if they keep failing anyway.
And then you will have helped that girl to be the thing she fears the most.
But if you tell her she's strong and beautiful and fully capable of reaching her goals? Maybe, just maybe, she'll start to believe in it. To believe in herself. To stop looking in the mirror and seeing a ghastly, ugly face staring back. Maybe she'll realize that she *can* do it, that she isn't alone, and we can do it together.
And then... Well, then you will have helped that girl to be everything she's always dreamed.
Stay beautiful, my strong, skinny darlings,
Vee xox
** - "shouldn't" is, in this case, entirely subjective. I'm talking "shouldn't" as in from that person's point of view, and not what you, or the community, or the general public think they "shouldn't have done". I just wanted to clarify this point.
It's not that I've been doing badly, it's just that I seem to work better than I have a firm structured plan to follow. Something that is precise and exact and won't bend or sway just because I want it to. It's all well and good setting a calorie-specific goal for myself, but I need a plan, not just a take-it-as-it-comes lifestyle.
I dunno. Back when I first did the ABC diet... I'll admit there were a few days when I went over. But overall I lost quite a bit of weight. I think I dropped 6lbs or something in the first week. Which isn't exorbitant to any stretch of the imagination, but damnit it was something, it was good.
I originally backed away from ABC in favour of a more personal diet plan with a friend. Then, we were both busy with personal things and fell out of contact for a while. K and I have resumed our textual relationship now, and she mentioned today she's going back on ABC. And I'm tempted to join her.
At the time, ABC seemed almost too harsh and restricting, and I dreaded the fast days. In retrospect, I think I panicked over nothing. The restricting was kind of the entire point of it and I think after a while I lost sight of that. The enforced fast days were dreaded because they always fell on days when I just couldn't bring myself to do it; wheras on more than one 500 day I went by on 12 calories instead.
What I need to remember is that, while the calorie caps are firm and not to be fucked with, I can still change off the fast days if it's just not going to happen. I'd rather switch out a fast day and do it a couple of days later, than cheat and just not do it at all.
I found, though, that the ABC community we were a part of, had a very harsh and vindictive side to them that I wasn't expecting. That is not to say, by any means, that everyone on an ABC or ED community is like that. The wonderful people far outnumbered the random bitches. But, as we all know, the bad affects us more than the good does. One bad experience will sit in your mind heavier than ten good ones.
One day of weight gain makes you obsessive and moody and upset even if it's preceded and followed by ten days of straight losses.
Nobody was negative directly to me, but some of the comments being thrown around at others really did get to me. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that, the very same people who flooded into these communities for support and understanding, were turning around and insulting and criticizing other people who had done the same. And for the stupidest reasons. If someone hadn't been severely underweight, some people would tell them they were wannarexics and should fuck off elsewhere. These very same people who sought out a community of people in the same situation as them, couldn't find it in them to realize that not every eating disordered woman is a 68lb waif. The disorders are far much more mental, emotional, and psycholigical than physical.
Or, if someone couldn't handle their fast day and had 25 calories, they were told that they should just start over because they had failed.
Like I said, the encouraging comments were much more abundant, but when one person is calling you a fat fuckup, it doesn't matter much what the other 20 are saying. That one negative voice sounds louder and louder than the others, echoes around your head and in your mind and destroys the way you feel for longer than you'd think, longer than you'd like to let it.
All of this is to say, I'm wary of getting back into the ABC diet. Even though I don't have any intention of getting into any forums or communities, my plan is to stay right here, there's still that stigma attached to the ABC plan for me now. And I think a part of me will always associate it with hypocrisy and vindictive, unnecessary cruelty.
Let me say right now that I know some people out there might say "the negative comments are encouragement too!" and I would be lying if I said I didn't understand where you were coming from. On the one hand, it's wrong to call somebody a fuck up, especially to someone who firmly believes that she IS one. On the other hand, can it really do much help to someone by telling them it's okay to eat as much fatty food as they want?
But really, at the end of the day, I think positive encouragement is less damaging than negative criticism. What girls in this community want are people who understand the fact that people fuck up from time to time. But fucking up once or twice, or a dozen times does not make YOU a fuck-up! We all do it. This lifestyle is not a choice, but it IS a struggle. We struggle with what we want and what we need. And sometimes those things don't always fall into line.
I guess this post has kind of come off the rails. Rather than just being about my desire for a structured plan to follow, it's turned into a tirade, and for that I apologise. I just think it's important for me to get this out, because I think what I have to say *is* important, even though you might not.
The message I guess I'm trying to get across is that people in the Eating Disordered community have enough negativity in themselves already. They don't need someone else calling them a failure and a fuck up, because the truth is that inside they're already berating themselves and thinking far worse things about themselves.
The best thing you can do when you hear or read that someone did something they shouldn't** have done - whether that be bingeing and purging, going over their calorie cap, skipping a day at the gym, or even just eating that piece of cake that was shoved in their face - is to tell them that it's okay. That they can move past it and do better, and that one setback is not going to run their goals and their progress. And not to tell them how badly they've done and that it's not okay and they're a failure.
Because you know what? Calling somebody a fat failure of a fuckup? You're just reinforcing what they probably already think of themselves. And if a person keeps hearing over and over again that they are a fat failure of a fuckup, there's always that chance that they'll give up. They'll ask what the point is, if they keep failing anyway.
And then you will have helped that girl to be the thing she fears the most.
But if you tell her she's strong and beautiful and fully capable of reaching her goals? Maybe, just maybe, she'll start to believe in it. To believe in herself. To stop looking in the mirror and seeing a ghastly, ugly face staring back. Maybe she'll realize that she *can* do it, that she isn't alone, and we can do it together.
And then... Well, then you will have helped that girl to be everything she's always dreamed.
Stay beautiful, my strong, skinny darlings,
Vee xox
** - "shouldn't" is, in this case, entirely subjective. I'm talking "shouldn't" as in from that person's point of view, and not what you, or the community, or the general public think they "shouldn't have done". I just wanted to clarify this point.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Update
First of all, thanks to everyone who's voted in my poll so far. Cross-Trainer is where I was leaning too as well, but it's always nice to get everyone's input! And thanks to Pasco and Ana who left comments with their reasoning on my previous entry. You girls rock!
So a brief update.
Last night I was violently sick and went to bed with a migraine, hoping I'd sleep it off and feel better. No dice. My alarm went off at 7 this morning and I physically could not move because every tiny motion made my head scream and feel like it was trying to tear apart. I reset my alarm for 8:30 and tried to go back to sleep. Woke up at 8:30 and called work to tell them I won't be coming in. I'm kind of stressing because I need to leave work at 4 on Friday so I have time to finish doing the last bits of laundry and vacuum the stairs and stuff before my aunts come home on Saturday. But, not going to work today means I'll be getting 7 hours added on for sick pay but I usually work 8.5 hours, so I'm going to be down on my hours by that hour and a half... More if I do leave early on Friday. So to make up I think I might have to work until 7 tomorrow, and how much does that bite? Sigh.
Still, I can't be slacking off and stuff and just prove to my manager HEY I totally didn't deserve that raise you just gave me because now I'm 2 hours down at the end of the four week work period and! I've had a sick day. (to be fair I think my last sick day was back in like November or December so it could be worse)
I have a friend at work who tells me to just go home if I'm tired or feeling a bit under the weather or have a cold or the slightest headache. I generally persevere unless it's really severely bad. And she always tells me "You're being stupid, nobody thinks better of you for coming in when you're not well" - and I can see her point, but on the flip-side, people DO think WORSE of you for NOT coming in.
I mean in the team I was in previously there's a guy who takes a ton of sick time. I mean we're talking at least once a month for anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. And everyone jokes about it. "That man has more time off than Santa" or "Aw, looks like [namehere] has another runny nose" (I mean to be fair it probably exacerbates the issue that he admitted that he takes so much time off because he hates his job and cant be bothered but STILL)
I don't want to be known as "that girl who takes a ton of time off" so I push through it.
Today was one of those days where even the thought of getting up to pee felt like climbing Everest stark naked in the middle of winter. My head still hurts a lot now, not as bad as it was earlier but it's still definitely there. And I feel disoriented and kind of dizzy because of it. And I should probably take tomorrow off work too, only... I'd feel too shitty about it to just sit at home and relax. Too anxious. And too worked up about how I'm going to make up those 3 hours before the weekend. Sigh.
We'll see.
Love you ladies
xoxo Vee
So a brief update.
Last night I was violently sick and went to bed with a migraine, hoping I'd sleep it off and feel better. No dice. My alarm went off at 7 this morning and I physically could not move because every tiny motion made my head scream and feel like it was trying to tear apart. I reset my alarm for 8:30 and tried to go back to sleep. Woke up at 8:30 and called work to tell them I won't be coming in. I'm kind of stressing because I need to leave work at 4 on Friday so I have time to finish doing the last bits of laundry and vacuum the stairs and stuff before my aunts come home on Saturday. But, not going to work today means I'll be getting 7 hours added on for sick pay but I usually work 8.5 hours, so I'm going to be down on my hours by that hour and a half... More if I do leave early on Friday. So to make up I think I might have to work until 7 tomorrow, and how much does that bite? Sigh.
Still, I can't be slacking off and stuff and just prove to my manager HEY I totally didn't deserve that raise you just gave me because now I'm 2 hours down at the end of the four week work period and! I've had a sick day. (to be fair I think my last sick day was back in like November or December so it could be worse)
I have a friend at work who tells me to just go home if I'm tired or feeling a bit under the weather or have a cold or the slightest headache. I generally persevere unless it's really severely bad. And she always tells me "You're being stupid, nobody thinks better of you for coming in when you're not well" - and I can see her point, but on the flip-side, people DO think WORSE of you for NOT coming in.
I mean in the team I was in previously there's a guy who takes a ton of sick time. I mean we're talking at least once a month for anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. And everyone jokes about it. "That man has more time off than Santa" or "Aw, looks like [namehere] has another runny nose" (I mean to be fair it probably exacerbates the issue that he admitted that he takes so much time off because he hates his job and cant be bothered but STILL)
I don't want to be known as "that girl who takes a ton of time off" so I push through it.
Today was one of those days where even the thought of getting up to pee felt like climbing Everest stark naked in the middle of winter. My head still hurts a lot now, not as bad as it was earlier but it's still definitely there. And I feel disoriented and kind of dizzy because of it. And I should probably take tomorrow off work too, only... I'd feel too shitty about it to just sit at home and relax. Too anxious. And too worked up about how I'm going to make up those 3 hours before the weekend. Sigh.
We'll see.
Love you ladies
xoxo Vee
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Revelation?
Hm, I just re-read my previous two posts and... maybe... I'm losing my shit and stressing out BECAUSE things are going so well?
I'm used to things breaking down and hitting rock bottom the instant that my life starts going well. So maybe... Things are going so well right now and I'm expecting another huge setback to fuck me up, somewhere around the corner. I don't know if I could deal with it.
So maybe I'm making myself stress out because I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop as it were.
I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I've never taken a psych class, I need to shut the fuck up.
I feel like such a screwup.
I'm used to things breaking down and hitting rock bottom the instant that my life starts going well. So maybe... Things are going so well right now and I'm expecting another huge setback to fuck me up, somewhere around the corner. I don't know if I could deal with it.
So maybe I'm making myself stress out because I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop as it were.
I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I've never taken a psych class, I need to shut the fuck up.
I feel like such a screwup.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Dream of Freedom
I've just been chatting over MSN to a friend of mine, who we shall call R. Because it is his first initial and I'm pretty sure we don't have an R in our story yet =]
Anyway. He's... I don't want to say a hippie type but it's probably the best way to describe him. He's all dreadlocks and political opinions and reefer. But that isn't all he is. He's very intelligent and very wise beyond his years, even though he's only a year older than I am. I find there are very few people these days that I can actually have a real, meaningful conversation with, and even fewer people that I can be my completely real self around. So many people don't appreciate certain sides of my personality and sometimes, although I still consider myself an individual and don't really care much what people think of me, I find myself editing out the pieces I know people don't appreciate. Like the swearing or the constant sarcasm or the fact that I'm a mean, nihilistic, cynical bitch who has zero faith or respect in humanity, and laughs her ASS off at dead baby jokes.
R gets all of these parts of my personality and I think that's why we get along so well; in many ways, we're pretty similar people.
We met when he came into my team at work as a temp a little over a year or so ago, and I made up some training notes for him and the other new person to use. We didn't talk a GREAT deal at the time, because I was pretty new to the team myself and can be introverted and shy when the mood strikes me, and he's the same way. He told me later that he's the kind of person who wraps up who they really are and doesn't really let himself loose around people he doesn't know. Ironically, it was his last day here, the day before he left to go into a much better job that his immense artistic talent was much more suited for, that those walls broke down. We talked and we joked and it was awesome. We clicked like old friends. And then, of course, he left.
We have kept in touch though, talking on occasion over facebook but more often by chatting on MSN. Our conversations vary between meaningless chatter about our day or a video game, to more deeper, introspective stuff that forces us to really think. And it's nice to have that variety, you know?
But one major difference between R and myself is that he is so much more free, so much more... independent. He sees what he wants and he charges ahead to get it. And I respect him SO much for that, I don't think he realizes.
He's planning on moving to Korea, and just now told me that he'll have to put it off for a while because when you land in Korea they do blood tests, and he said he would be deported as soon as they found traces of cannabis in his system. This in and of itself is a huge deal, and a step I wish I was brave enough to take. He's moving to Korea ON HIS OWN. I could never just take a leap and move to a completely foreign country all alone. Yes, I moved from Canada to England once I turned eighteen, but that is so not the same thing. I had a firm support net here, and moved in with family immediately. My family supported and continue to help support me. If I didn't have them here, I would not have moved, it's that simple.
But while he's waiting to go to Korea, he's going hitch-hiking and backpacking around Europe. On his own. And again, that is something I really admire about R. That he's fearless and just goes ahead and does these things. Sometimes he feels much wiser and more worldly than I am and I feel embarassed, because he's only one year older than me. And surely that one year doesn't make THAT big of a difference, does it?
R is an old soul. That's the only way I can think to describe him.
Anyway. He asked if I'd like to go along with him, and you know what? I would, very much. I would love to drop everything and get a bag of stuff and just leave. To see the world (Europe at least) and not from a tourist-in-a-hotel perspective. It's so much more REAL to do the backpacking trip instead of spending several thousand on booking a hotel and first-class flights. It's something I would love very much to do.
But I can't. I have so many other things holding me back, strings tied around me and anchoring me here. To my home and to my job. Things I can't just drop, not without a lot of planning in advance. I'd like to think that if I didn't have so many obligations and things I need to do in the next six months, I'd just go. But the truth is, I don't know if I would, if I could LET myself. Maybe it's not my life and my plans and obligations, but myself that holds me back.
He's said he might be screwed because if things don't go well he has no home or job to come back to, but I've told him I've got a spare bed he's more than welcome to if he needs somewhere to sleep, he could probably get a temp job back here again. But I have every faith that he'll be just fine, that things will be amazing and he'll have the trip and experiences of a lifetime.
So right now, I guess I'm a little sad. I'm wishing him all the best on his trip and hope he stays in touch. But right now I find myself mourning that little piece inside of me that maybe I never had to begin with. That piece that is ready, able, and willing to embrace freedom and just let go of all the restraints holding it back.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person.
Anyway. He's... I don't want to say a hippie type but it's probably the best way to describe him. He's all dreadlocks and political opinions and reefer. But that isn't all he is. He's very intelligent and very wise beyond his years, even though he's only a year older than I am. I find there are very few people these days that I can actually have a real, meaningful conversation with, and even fewer people that I can be my completely real self around. So many people don't appreciate certain sides of my personality and sometimes, although I still consider myself an individual and don't really care much what people think of me, I find myself editing out the pieces I know people don't appreciate. Like the swearing or the constant sarcasm or the fact that I'm a mean, nihilistic, cynical bitch who has zero faith or respect in humanity, and laughs her ASS off at dead baby jokes.
R gets all of these parts of my personality and I think that's why we get along so well; in many ways, we're pretty similar people.
We met when he came into my team at work as a temp a little over a year or so ago, and I made up some training notes for him and the other new person to use. We didn't talk a GREAT deal at the time, because I was pretty new to the team myself and can be introverted and shy when the mood strikes me, and he's the same way. He told me later that he's the kind of person who wraps up who they really are and doesn't really let himself loose around people he doesn't know. Ironically, it was his last day here, the day before he left to go into a much better job that his immense artistic talent was much more suited for, that those walls broke down. We talked and we joked and it was awesome. We clicked like old friends. And then, of course, he left.
We have kept in touch though, talking on occasion over facebook but more often by chatting on MSN. Our conversations vary between meaningless chatter about our day or a video game, to more deeper, introspective stuff that forces us to really think. And it's nice to have that variety, you know?
But one major difference between R and myself is that he is so much more free, so much more... independent. He sees what he wants and he charges ahead to get it. And I respect him SO much for that, I don't think he realizes.
He's planning on moving to Korea, and just now told me that he'll have to put it off for a while because when you land in Korea they do blood tests, and he said he would be deported as soon as they found traces of cannabis in his system. This in and of itself is a huge deal, and a step I wish I was brave enough to take. He's moving to Korea ON HIS OWN. I could never just take a leap and move to a completely foreign country all alone. Yes, I moved from Canada to England once I turned eighteen, but that is so not the same thing. I had a firm support net here, and moved in with family immediately. My family supported and continue to help support me. If I didn't have them here, I would not have moved, it's that simple.
But while he's waiting to go to Korea, he's going hitch-hiking and backpacking around Europe. On his own. And again, that is something I really admire about R. That he's fearless and just goes ahead and does these things. Sometimes he feels much wiser and more worldly than I am and I feel embarassed, because he's only one year older than me. And surely that one year doesn't make THAT big of a difference, does it?
R is an old soul. That's the only way I can think to describe him.
Anyway. He asked if I'd like to go along with him, and you know what? I would, very much. I would love to drop everything and get a bag of stuff and just leave. To see the world (Europe at least) and not from a tourist-in-a-hotel perspective. It's so much more REAL to do the backpacking trip instead of spending several thousand on booking a hotel and first-class flights. It's something I would love very much to do.
But I can't. I have so many other things holding me back, strings tied around me and anchoring me here. To my home and to my job. Things I can't just drop, not without a lot of planning in advance. I'd like to think that if I didn't have so many obligations and things I need to do in the next six months, I'd just go. But the truth is, I don't know if I would, if I could LET myself. Maybe it's not my life and my plans and obligations, but myself that holds me back.
He's said he might be screwed because if things don't go well he has no home or job to come back to, but I've told him I've got a spare bed he's more than welcome to if he needs somewhere to sleep, he could probably get a temp job back here again. But I have every faith that he'll be just fine, that things will be amazing and he'll have the trip and experiences of a lifetime.
So right now, I guess I'm a little sad. I'm wishing him all the best on his trip and hope he stays in touch. But right now I find myself mourning that little piece inside of me that maybe I never had to begin with. That piece that is ready, able, and willing to embrace freedom and just let go of all the restraints holding it back.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
(037) 188.2lbs - Start of a bad day
So all in all, yesterday was a good day. I burned 400 calories at the gym, and stuck to my 400 day (maybe went over 20-50, I’m not 100% sure). I didn’t have anything big to eat when I got home, just a 99 calorie bag of Special K Mini Breaks, which was insanely yummy by the way. They taste a bit like chocolate Teddy Grahams to me. Mmm. Must not buy teddy grahams…
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Were they always that big??
That blog title sounds a little dirty, doesn't it? Especially when I expand upon it to make "Since when was six inches SO HUGE?!"
Ehehehe. If only what you were all thinking was true. The truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. BIG SURPRISE. But anyway, that's SO not what I'm talking about. The minute my dry spell is over I will be dishing details, but until then this blog post is about...
Subway.
I'm on a 400 day on the ABC plan, and I decided I wanted to treat myself to something yummy for lunch. Even though, after I went and bought it and was walking back to work, I wasn't even hungry. I've been craving chips and gravy (or even better, a poutine with yummy cheese curd melting all over), but I happen to know that there is no way I could fit it in. The chips in our canteen are all deep fried and horrible, and the gravy is greasy and comprised of like 96% animal fat.
Ew.
So, instead I went to Subway. The sub I had in total came out to... 350 calories, give or take. Didn't finish all the bread =].
Anyway, it was weird for me. All I "ate" yesterday was 200mls of chicken-broth-water worth a whole seventeen calories, so I thought I'd be physically STARVING and would never be able to sate that hunger. But I wasn't hungry as I began eating, and now I feel fuller than I have been in a long time. I remember a time when I could eat a footlong meatball sub with cheese and lots of lettuce, have a cookie, and sometimes STILL be hungry.
To that end, at least this past month of ABC (on and off as it was for the first couple of weeks) has accomplished one thing: Reducing my appetite. I mean, in total I've now lost 12.8lbs since January 14th, which is a feat in and of itself, especially considering the random gains and plateaus at the end of last month. But I hate feeling full, and if eating normal portions is going to make me feel like this, well, it's just more incentive to restrict harder.
The weird things is, I haven't even gone over for the day. After I get home from the gym I'm having my 19 calorie broth, so I'll still be grossing low for the day. But I still feel really full. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd gone for a sushi pack from tesco. BUT then I'd just wind up having a larger frozen meal after the gym, and I always feel sick if I eat a lot after working out. So I guess it's for the best. Plus I'm having my "larger meal" at lunchtime and have more time to burn it off before bedtime.
God, I ramble a lot, don't I?
Anyway. I just wanted to share those random thoughts, but now I need to get some more work done. I'm leaving the office in three hours so I need to get SOMEthing done.
Stay beautiful and think thin
Vee xoxox
ps: I wonder if that guy will be at the gym again tonight...? =]
Ehehehe. If only what you were all thinking was true. The truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. BIG SURPRISE. But anyway, that's SO not what I'm talking about. The minute my dry spell is over I will be dishing details, but until then this blog post is about...
Subway.
I'm on a 400 day on the ABC plan, and I decided I wanted to treat myself to something yummy for lunch. Even though, after I went and bought it and was walking back to work, I wasn't even hungry. I've been craving chips and gravy (or even better, a poutine with yummy cheese curd melting all over), but I happen to know that there is no way I could fit it in. The chips in our canteen are all deep fried and horrible, and the gravy is greasy and comprised of like 96% animal fat.
Ew.
So, instead I went to Subway. The sub I had in total came out to... 350 calories, give or take. Didn't finish all the bread =].
Anyway, it was weird for me. All I "ate" yesterday was 200mls of chicken-broth-water worth a whole seventeen calories, so I thought I'd be physically STARVING and would never be able to sate that hunger. But I wasn't hungry as I began eating, and now I feel fuller than I have been in a long time. I remember a time when I could eat a footlong meatball sub with cheese and lots of lettuce, have a cookie, and sometimes STILL be hungry.
To that end, at least this past month of ABC (on and off as it was for the first couple of weeks) has accomplished one thing: Reducing my appetite. I mean, in total I've now lost 12.8lbs since January 14th, which is a feat in and of itself, especially considering the random gains and plateaus at the end of last month. But I hate feeling full, and if eating normal portions is going to make me feel like this, well, it's just more incentive to restrict harder.
The weird things is, I haven't even gone over for the day. After I get home from the gym I'm having my 19 calorie broth, so I'll still be grossing low for the day. But I still feel really full. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd gone for a sushi pack from tesco. BUT then I'd just wind up having a larger frozen meal after the gym, and I always feel sick if I eat a lot after working out. So I guess it's for the best. Plus I'm having my "larger meal" at lunchtime and have more time to burn it off before bedtime.
God, I ramble a lot, don't I?
Anyway. I just wanted to share those random thoughts, but now I need to get some more work done. I'm leaving the office in three hours so I need to get SOMEthing done.
Stay beautiful and think thin
Vee xoxox
ps: I wonder if that guy will be at the gym again tonight...? =]
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
008.2: Cutting Through Just Like Champagne Petals
I can’t concentrate on anything. I’ve literally been sat here staring at nothing for a while. I have three more pieces of work to do and I might blitz them out of the way and drop them later so I can chill for a while this afternoon, and it still looks like I’ve done work steadily all afternoon.
I hate being sick. My energy reserves are tenuous at the best of times, and right now I feel entirely wiped. And, if possible, I feel worse now than when I woke up this morning. My throat hurts all the time now, instead of just while moving, talking, swallowing or god forbid yawning. I can feel the swollen gland on the left side throbbing constantly. My inner ear canals are sore and they itch, and the itching is driving me crazy. I’m starting to feel sick just from the mucous in my nose and possibly chest. My green tea is giving me heartburn. Well no, it’s not really the green tea, but the water in our drink machines always gives me acid for some reason. Don’t ask, because I have no idea how either.
The good side to all of this is that I’m nowhere near hungry. The thought of eating doesn’t make my mouth water and my stomach tingle in anticipation as it once would have. Right now, the thought of eating revolts me. The lady next to me at work has just opened a cheese and onion sandwich, and the smell of it is making me feel nauseous. My head is spinning. I feel tremendously horrible.
All I want to do right now is go home, run a steaming hot bath and lay in it for an hour, and then go straight to bed. Unfortunately, I know this isn’t going to happen.
I ran into my manager when she was coming out of the bathroom at the end of our wing and she asked how I was doing, then immediately frowned and said “Not good huh?” So I told her about the sinuses and the horrificness and the glands. (incidentally: Glandular is an awesome word) She told me if it’s still bad tomorrow to go to the doctor. So at least I know she’s understanding if I do wind up calling in sick tomorrow. I really don’t want to, but we’ll see how tonight goes, how I feel when my alarm wakes me at 7 tomorrow morning.
Once again though, I’d rather wait until after I’ve had my review to go off sick. Or not go off sick at all.
I might need to see my doctor anyway, though. I called for a repeat prescription of my BCP, and the receptionist woman told me it’s not on my repeat prescription list. She said the doctor had taken it off but hadn’t left any notes. So she’s requested it, but I have to wait until it goes to my doctor to be printed and signed to see whether or not I can get it. She said the doctor might need to see me – I know they’re supposed to be monitoring my blood pressure while I’m on this pill, and the last time my doctor took my blood pressure was probably over a year ago. So I have to wait for the doctor to call to set up an appointment, or pick up the prescription on Friday. Or, get someone else to, since I’m supposed to be working 8:30-5 on Friday. I gave the receptionist my mobile number, since the number they have on file for me is my grandmother’s home number, and I haven’t lived there in eight months. Granny would pass on the note but I’d rather just talk to them myself instead of messing around and having to call back to try to get an appointment that is less than three weeks from now. I only have a week and a half’s worth of pills left.
Sorry, I’m just rambling on and on and on, but I felt like I needed to do something other than sit and stare at a blank computer screen for an hour.
I hate being sick. My energy reserves are tenuous at the best of times, and right now I feel entirely wiped. And, if possible, I feel worse now than when I woke up this morning. My throat hurts all the time now, instead of just while moving, talking, swallowing or god forbid yawning. I can feel the swollen gland on the left side throbbing constantly. My inner ear canals are sore and they itch, and the itching is driving me crazy. I’m starting to feel sick just from the mucous in my nose and possibly chest. My green tea is giving me heartburn. Well no, it’s not really the green tea, but the water in our drink machines always gives me acid for some reason. Don’t ask, because I have no idea how either.
The good side to all of this is that I’m nowhere near hungry. The thought of eating doesn’t make my mouth water and my stomach tingle in anticipation as it once would have. Right now, the thought of eating revolts me. The lady next to me at work has just opened a cheese and onion sandwich, and the smell of it is making me feel nauseous. My head is spinning. I feel tremendously horrible.
All I want to do right now is go home, run a steaming hot bath and lay in it for an hour, and then go straight to bed. Unfortunately, I know this isn’t going to happen.
I ran into my manager when she was coming out of the bathroom at the end of our wing and she asked how I was doing, then immediately frowned and said “Not good huh?” So I told her about the sinuses and the horrificness and the glands. (incidentally: Glandular is an awesome word) She told me if it’s still bad tomorrow to go to the doctor. So at least I know she’s understanding if I do wind up calling in sick tomorrow. I really don’t want to, but we’ll see how tonight goes, how I feel when my alarm wakes me at 7 tomorrow morning.
Once again though, I’d rather wait until after I’ve had my review to go off sick. Or not go off sick at all.
I might need to see my doctor anyway, though. I called for a repeat prescription of my BCP, and the receptionist woman told me it’s not on my repeat prescription list. She said the doctor had taken it off but hadn’t left any notes. So she’s requested it, but I have to wait until it goes to my doctor to be printed and signed to see whether or not I can get it. She said the doctor might need to see me – I know they’re supposed to be monitoring my blood pressure while I’m on this pill, and the last time my doctor took my blood pressure was probably over a year ago. So I have to wait for the doctor to call to set up an appointment, or pick up the prescription on Friday. Or, get someone else to, since I’m supposed to be working 8:30-5 on Friday. I gave the receptionist my mobile number, since the number they have on file for me is my grandmother’s home number, and I haven’t lived there in eight months. Granny would pass on the note but I’d rather just talk to them myself instead of messing around and having to call back to try to get an appointment that is less than three weeks from now. I only have a week and a half’s worth of pills left.
Sorry, I’m just rambling on and on and on, but I felt like I needed to do something other than sit and stare at a blank computer screen for an hour.
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