Damnit.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Monday, 27 July 2009
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Bleghghghhgghgh
...Shit, I forgot what I even wrote about yesterday, let me go check.
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Another Early Night
I'm so tired so I'm going to bed soon. I'm also suffering from the munchies even though I'm not actually hungry. And sleeping = less temptation to find something to eat.
I made Braised Lettuce today, although it was much more of a Lettuce Soup than anything else. And it was delicious, far far better than I was expecting it to taste. I added some celery and spring onions and green pepper and a dash of tobasco, but fucked up and put in too much stock so it was SUPER salty. Now, I love love love salty food, which is one of my problems, but this stock was too salty even for me. But the stuff in it was amaaazing.
I'm going to give it another try tomorrow. Mmmm. And for less than around 50 calories I'm ahead of where I originally wanted to be today =]
It feels like cheating though because I'm very full [I put more water into it than I should have, which in turn filled me up faster] even though I didn't actually eat anything other than that.
Oh.. crap. Yeah I also had two Innocent smoothies. Which total around 500 calories. I know a lot of people don't usually count their liquid calories unless it's something dumb like a McDonald's Milkshake or lots and lots of beer, but those smoothies have knocked me back. That happy high from earlier? I'm not happy anymore. Especially when I think about how much fruit is in those smoothies. Which is good because yay fruit! and nothing extra. But bad because holy calories!
Shit. Shit shit shit. I don't know if I should be mad at myself or not.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. Tomorrow is going to be my sushi pack for lunch at work and maybe some more Braised Lettuce when I get home. Depends on whether or not I can be bothered making it. It was good and easy to make but right now crushing garlic and chopping onions and green peppers and celery is sounding like a lot of work.
Anyway. I'm going to bed.
And yes, my life really is this boring. No wonder I'm so fucking depressed.
I made Braised Lettuce today, although it was much more of a Lettuce Soup than anything else. And it was delicious, far far better than I was expecting it to taste. I added some celery and spring onions and green pepper and a dash of tobasco, but fucked up and put in too much stock so it was SUPER salty. Now, I love love love salty food, which is one of my problems, but this stock was too salty even for me. But the stuff in it was amaaazing.
I'm going to give it another try tomorrow. Mmmm. And for less than around 50 calories I'm ahead of where I originally wanted to be today =]
It feels like cheating though because I'm very full [I put more water into it than I should have, which in turn filled me up faster] even though I didn't actually eat anything other than that.
Oh.. crap. Yeah I also had two Innocent smoothies. Which total around 500 calories. I know a lot of people don't usually count their liquid calories unless it's something dumb like a McDonald's Milkshake or lots and lots of beer, but those smoothies have knocked me back. That happy high from earlier? I'm not happy anymore. Especially when I think about how much fruit is in those smoothies. Which is good because yay fruit! and nothing extra. But bad because holy calories!
Shit. Shit shit shit. I don't know if I should be mad at myself or not.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. Tomorrow is going to be my sushi pack for lunch at work and maybe some more Braised Lettuce when I get home. Depends on whether or not I can be bothered making it. It was good and easy to make but right now crushing garlic and chopping onions and green peppers and celery is sounding like a lot of work.
Anyway. I'm going to bed.
And yes, my life really is this boring. No wonder I'm so fucking depressed.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
(037) 188.2lbs - Start of a bad day
So all in all, yesterday was a good day. I burned 400 calories at the gym, and stuck to my 400 day (maybe went over 20-50, I’m not 100% sure). I didn’t have anything big to eat when I got home, just a 99 calorie bag of Special K Mini Breaks, which was insanely yummy by the way. They taste a bit like chocolate Teddy Grahams to me. Mmm. Must not buy teddy grahams…
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
(036) - Goal One Achieved
So… my plan was to be down to 190lbs this morning, at a best. I figured I’d be down at least to 191, but was hoping and hoping for 190lbs. I wanted to hit that first goal again as soon as possible.
And ladies, I have succeeded in breaking it. I am in SUCH a good mood today it is ridiculous. I live for those ecstatic moments when you step on a scale and those lower-than-yesterday numbers pop up. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the day brings. As long as those numbers are lower, I can basically call it a “good day”. It sets up my mood for the rest of the day. If those numbers are higher, I will undoubtedly be mopey and depressed. If they’re lower, I’ll likely still be mopey and depressed, but maybe a little less so, and at least I’ll have that half-minute of supreme happiness to start the day with.
My scales this morning said 188.6lbs. I dropped 2.8lbs in 24 hours. I am unbelievably happy right now!
I’m psyched up to go to the gym again, even though my body is exhausted, I’ve got a headache, and my throat feels swollen. I plan to drink a load of water, so if it’s dehydration (I didn’t drink near as much as I should have yesterday), it should help. Although one of the guys I work with, has been working with someone who has Mumps, so there’s a chance he’s brought it in and given it to us all – at least two of us have the same symptoms right now. Swollen, sore throat, physically exhausted, couldn’t sleep last night because we felt SO HOT and kept tossing and turning. And that’s not like me. I am ALWAYS cold.
But I digress. 188.6! If I can lose a pound a day, I can reach my goal weight of 130… by the end of April. How amazing is that? I know it’s not likely that I will lose a pound a day, it’ll be up and down, but I can hope that it averages out. We’ll see I guess!
Anyway, I need to get some work done and try to stay awake, which is definitely going to be a challenge today. It’s a 400 day on ABC and I’m torn between restricting hard like I did yesterday, and giving myself some real food. I’ll have my broth for lunch, and see how I feel when I get home. If I’m super ravenous, I’ll have a 250 calorie frozen meal, which will still put me more than 100 calories under today.
Burn goal at the gym is at least 300, which is what I burned yesterday. I can probably do more if I stick to the treadmill for a full hour, which in itself should burn approximately 400+. Unfortunately, I can’t run. Sigh. My physical fitness level right now is such that I can jog-run on a treadmill for 3 minutes maximum before I need to slow down to a walking speed again, or risk passing out.
That’s another goal of mine. Increase my fitness level so that I can run at least 15 minutes at a stretch without having to pause. I’ll get there eventually, but I need to build up from speed-walking to jogging to running.
Right, gotta head off for now, more later tonight. Have a great day, ladies, and I hope you’re all feeling as amazing as I am right now =]
Stay beautiful, my darlings.
Love you all,
Vee xoxox
PS: If I do wind up sick again, I'm going to keep restricting this time. The roller coaster last time around was way too much and I refuse to fuck up and ever be over 190 again, now that I'm finally firmly in the 180s.
And ladies, I have succeeded in breaking it. I am in SUCH a good mood today it is ridiculous. I live for those ecstatic moments when you step on a scale and those lower-than-yesterday numbers pop up. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the day brings. As long as those numbers are lower, I can basically call it a “good day”. It sets up my mood for the rest of the day. If those numbers are higher, I will undoubtedly be mopey and depressed. If they’re lower, I’ll likely still be mopey and depressed, but maybe a little less so, and at least I’ll have that half-minute of supreme happiness to start the day with.
My scales this morning said 188.6lbs. I dropped 2.8lbs in 24 hours. I am unbelievably happy right now!
I’m psyched up to go to the gym again, even though my body is exhausted, I’ve got a headache, and my throat feels swollen. I plan to drink a load of water, so if it’s dehydration (I didn’t drink near as much as I should have yesterday), it should help. Although one of the guys I work with, has been working with someone who has Mumps, so there’s a chance he’s brought it in and given it to us all – at least two of us have the same symptoms right now. Swollen, sore throat, physically exhausted, couldn’t sleep last night because we felt SO HOT and kept tossing and turning. And that’s not like me. I am ALWAYS cold.
But I digress. 188.6! If I can lose a pound a day, I can reach my goal weight of 130… by the end of April. How amazing is that? I know it’s not likely that I will lose a pound a day, it’ll be up and down, but I can hope that it averages out. We’ll see I guess!
Anyway, I need to get some work done and try to stay awake, which is definitely going to be a challenge today. It’s a 400 day on ABC and I’m torn between restricting hard like I did yesterday, and giving myself some real food. I’ll have my broth for lunch, and see how I feel when I get home. If I’m super ravenous, I’ll have a 250 calorie frozen meal, which will still put me more than 100 calories under today.
Burn goal at the gym is at least 300, which is what I burned yesterday. I can probably do more if I stick to the treadmill for a full hour, which in itself should burn approximately 400+. Unfortunately, I can’t run. Sigh. My physical fitness level right now is such that I can jog-run on a treadmill for 3 minutes maximum before I need to slow down to a walking speed again, or risk passing out.
That’s another goal of mine. Increase my fitness level so that I can run at least 15 minutes at a stretch without having to pause. I’ll get there eventually, but I need to build up from speed-walking to jogging to running.
Right, gotta head off for now, more later tonight. Have a great day, ladies, and I hope you’re all feeling as amazing as I am right now =]
Stay beautiful, my darlings.
Love you all,
Vee xoxox
PS: If I do wind up sick again, I'm going to keep restricting this time. The roller coaster last time around was way too much and I refuse to fuck up and ever be over 190 again, now that I'm finally firmly in the 180s.
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