Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Mocha Calorie Revision

Also, apparently the 37 calories per cup I said that the coffee-hot-chocolate concoction in a recent post, was off. The 37 calories is for THREE teaspoons of the hot chocolate powder. Using only one brings your total down to 12 =]



My stomach feels so empty this morning that I just drank a cup (maybe 200mls) of cold water from work's water cooler and now I feel sick and my stomach is crampy and hurts.

Makes no sense whatsoever since I had some beef jerky right before going to bed last night and my stomach should not feel empty.

Good news as I think I'm down slightly from yesterday, but still way up on the whole.

Today should be a fast day on ABC, but J's brother and sis-in-law are coming for dinner tonight so need to fast tomorrow instead.

Today's plan is a small amount of the food J is making, but nothing at work and no extras.

Personal note: must remember to buy that juicer if we ever go back to that supermarket. I am feeling the need for a juice-fast/detox.

Weekend update will come later. Started typing it yesterday but had a lot of shit to do in the afternoon, so need to finish it up. Nothing TERRIBLY exciting, but still.

Later loves, hope you're all doing well.

Vee xox

Monday, 22 June 2009

I told him to just back up off my Kool-Aid because I ain’t tryin’ to hear that, G.‏

God, this weekend zooooomed by.

I’ve got a lot to write about the weekend. Non-food-related posts. More “things I did and shit” posts. Assuming any of you are interested.

But I’m at work and I need to whine about work right now instead. I still don’t have the internet at home so my weekend catchup will probably have to wait until tomorrow, depending.

Anyway, work.

Right now we’ve got two weeks to get our hours evened out. Up until now, the company I work for used to run on a flexible working schedule. In that, you were contracted to 140 hours per four-week cycle, and you could more or less work those hours however you wanted, so long as you stuck to the “core hours”. Core hours here were 10-12 and 2-4. Meaning you could come in late and/or leave early up to those times (assuming it’s okay’d by a manager of course) and take up to a 2 hour lunch in between.

We also worked up for “flex days” – which is basically a case of working an “extra” 7 hours and then being able to take a paid day off without using a holiday. Because really, you’ve already worked the hours for the day you’re taking off. We were allowed up to 2 of these per 4-week cycle and it rocked. Because I like time off.

I’ve gotten into the habit of working extra hours toward these days off. Generally speaking I work 8:30 – 5 and don’t take a lunch, which equates to 8.5 hours a day, making up an hour and a half per day.

Of course, from the start of next month, they’re abolishing the flexible working schedule and the days off that go along with it. Which SUCKS.

I had assumed that, since our company’s working hours are changing from 9-5 to 8-6, that the “core hours” would be abolished and people would be able to work varying schedules. Like 8-4 (or even 3 if they don’t take a lunch hour) or whatever.

But such is not the case. I asked my manager if I’d be able to work 8:30 – 3:30 and he basically told me I need to be working 9-5 and if I come in early I need to take a longer lunch to compensate for that or I’ll lose the hours. Which is essentially working for free. And fuck that, I’m not working an hour and a half and not getting paid for it.

I’m in the habit of working through lunch. Primarily because there’s nothing to do at lunch. My closest friend in this country and the only person I’d really like to go out to sit in a park for an hour and chat with, doesn’t work in the same building as me. Well, she might be coming back here but we’ll find that out this week hopefully. So what the hell else am I going to do at lunch?

8:30 is convenient for me. I get up, I leave the house at the same time as J, and she drops me off at my bus stop as she drives past. Of course, J had her surgery and hasn’t been working for the past two weeks, so my aunt’s been taking me instead, even getting up early on her day off to drive me so I could catch the train to Manchester on Friday.

This morning though, I walked to the stop. And I have no idea how far it is but it took around 15 minutes to get to my bus stop, which isn’t too bad. And I guess it’s a nice jump start to the morning. The extra walking is free exercise, so that’s how I’m looking at that. It was nice this morning. I was pissed off that my aunt didn’t bother to TELL ME she wasn’t driving me this morning, because then I would have gotten up a little earlier to make it to work for the same time so I could get my stuff unpacked at my new desk. But whatever. It’s all good.

But this lunch thing. I’m not sure what to do.

Do I bring a book and read at my desk? The problem with that is, if I’m at my desk, whether I’m clocked out or not, people will ask me about work. And if it’s my day on the phone, I can’t sit at my desk and let it ring and expect someone else to come pick it up. So go sit and read in the canteen? I’m sorry, but is that image not just the saddest thing ever? =/ Go read in the park? That I could do, but then it’s prone to raining here oh, I dunno, almost ALL OF THE TIME.

So I thought of going to the gym.

I don’t want to get roped into an expensive contract, though. The gym across from work is the gym I used to go to – and didn’t use during the winter months because it was a hassle and it was dark and whatever. Now that it’s warm, I want to go again, and if I took a 2 hour lunch everyday I’d have time for an hour of workout plus half an hour to shower and change and still have half a hour to kill.

The problem is convenience VS money though.

The gym’s 12-month-contract membership runs at around £55 per month, including my company’s corporate discount. But if I got the flexible one that can be cancelled with 30 days notice, no contract, is more. Probably £65+. And I’m trying to SAVE money, no spend it.

So I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe go for a walk at lunch or read or something. The gym membership isn’t worth it in the grand scheme of things, not when the gym (crappy looking, but still a gym!) a couple miles from my house is only £26.50 or something a month. BIG difference.

I dunno, all of this would be easier if I could switch to an 8-3 work schedule – but that’s not going to happen =/

I’m done whining. I should get some work done now that the fucking systems actually look like they’re working.

Oh, which reminds me. When my manager drew up the new seating plan for when we moved to the new area of the office, he’d put me in the middle somewhere. I asked to be put in a window seat because the fluorescents glare and give me a headache, which isn’t so bad if I’ve got natural light behind me instead. So he switched my seat with someone else, huzzah. Except now that I’ve moved, there is no window. The window that WAS here has been boarded over and the air cooling duct is in there somewhere. So, no window.

Need I say, my head is killing me?

Later chicks.

Oh also, Friday and Saturday showed me 200.0. Sunday was 201.8, showing the big lunch we had at the Hard Rock CafĂ© on Saturday. I was up slightly today too, but I can’t remember the number. No big deal, I’ll get past it. Wednesday is supposed to be the first ABC fast day, and I think I’m going to make tomorrow a fast day too. Two in a row, baby!

Vee xox

Ps: thanks for your comments girls, I love it! I’ll try to reply back when I get a chance =]

Thursday, 18 June 2009

A Buzz-Induced Post of Ramblings

I'm feeling so productive.

I'm still on a constant caffiene high from the fairly-strong Brazilian coffee I've been drinking all morning. Only 5 cups, really? I thought it was more than that. I am seriously buzzing. I feel a little shakey, whether that be from coffee or no food at all today so far, I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't matter, either way it's not a bad thing.

I've got so much stuff done today. It's just turned 2pm here, and I've finished a full eight-and-a-half hours' worth of work in five and a half. Which means I've now got three hours worth of time to kill and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've got my novel-in-progress in a word document on my work computer, but I'm not convinced caffiene-shakes will let me concentrate hard enough to not suck. My work, well, I just go on autopilot, but writing requires actual cohesive thought and creativity. We'll see.

I tend to shop online when I've got a spare hour, but I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on makeup in the past two weeks so I need to cut back. Or rather, I've cut myself off. I'm not allowed to buy any makeup between now and the start of August, unless I run completely out of mascara or liquid eyeliner (hey man, those are staples that I need every damn day!)

I'm so bored it's ridiculous. I could do MORE work but why? I've replied to all my emails from S, to which each reply is pages long, I might add. I don't even know what else to blog about. I guess I could price up ellipticals and dumbbell sets and pedometers online. I still haven't decided on one from my last advice post, sigh. It doesn't matter since I'm not allowed to buy one right now ayway. On payday next week I might order one, but I'm not sure yet. I need to save money.

I have all my spending money for Canada tied up neatly in my savings account. Unfortunately, the makeup money was spent on my credit card, which I won't be able to pay off until after I've paid for my trip to Cancun in September. My goal right now is to get the £1300 I need saved up so I can pay it off before I go to Canada at the end of August (although August payday is the day before I leave, and I'm working that day, so it'll be a stretch to get to the travel agents.) I might have to withdraw the money and give it to my grandmother to pay off for me. I don't even know what name our trip is under. I mean, I know my granny's friend organized it but I don't even know her last name.

June, July, and August paydays should get me up to the 1500 mark so I should be okay to pay it off in September. And after that I can pay off the full balance of my credit card. I want to note that the balance of my card is NOT all makeup, either, because that sounds very bad. I bought my tickets to Canada online and used my card to pay it off, so that's on there too =]

So excited and dreading tomorrow at the same time. I'm meeting S at the train station around 8:45 to catch a train at 9:11, which means I'll have to get up around 7 to get there on time. Earlier if I have to walk to my bus stop, which will take around half an hour. I'm also praying it doesn't rain because THAT IS ALL WE NEED. Damn you, English "summertime". I curse you!

Dreading it because of three things.

1. Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. It's looking like a lot of it is greasy meats, although the chicken fajita might not be too bad without sour cream and stuff. =/
2. Shakeaway. S has been raving about Shakeaway, which is a place that basically does any flavour milkshake you can think of (Ferero Rocher anyone?) so we're supposed to be hunting one of them down.
3. Krispy Kremes - enough said, I think. I told her about Krispy Kreme doughnuts aaaages ago and there happens to me one in the area we're going to in Manchester. One plain glazed doughnut is 217 calories. The cruller I want is, I think, 257.

Methinks Saturday's going to have to be a fast day.

Wish me luck!

Vee xox

Computer Camp Love

I'm sorry, this is ridiculously off-topic but I have this song stuck in my head.

The best line?

"Tell me more, did you get in her pants?
She's not that kind of a girl, booger!
Why, does she have a penis?"

Second favourite is probably:

"Not with that dirty tramp!
She's not a tramp, her name is Judy!
That's a nice name."


Love on a stick, baby.

Datarock - Computer Camp Love


So finally I've managed to drop some weight! FINALLYYYY.

First of all, last night I was terrified because when I weighed myself at around 10, it read 207. TWO OH SEVEN. And I know, I know, you're not supposed to weigh yourself at night because you're lightest in the morning, weight fluctuates, blah blah. Usually I'm only around 2lbs heavier at night than in the morning though, so when I saw that number I almost screamed.

But this morning the scale read an even 203, so that 0.6 is officially gone.

My stomach is grumbling and feeling very hungry and it's awesome! So today is going to be mostly just liquids. No food, just lots of coffee and water at work to keep me full. It's a 400 day on ABC, so tonight when I get home (around 6ish tonight) I might have a 220-calorie frozen dinner or something, but that's my lot for the day.

Yesterday was a little bit... sorry, someone at work was just making fun of (rather, trying to imitate) my accent and I've lost my train of thought now, haha.

Oh, right. Yesterday I actually got some shit done. And by "some shit" I mean I unpacked two big boxes of books finally! And even organized them how I wanted them on my shelf, leaving space for some other ones I know I've got packed away somewhere. I also realized, I have a serious book problem. I have like 40 Dean Koontz books, no lie. And I even discovered I have THREE OF THE SAME BOOK. One in the oldschool cover, one in the pretty new white covers all his books seem to be released with now, and one under his old pen name of Leigh Nichols when it was originally published back in the 80s. The last one I knew I was buying a duplicate, but I bought it anyway because of the pen name deal and it was rare. But I had no idea I already owned two copies before that! Jeez.

Of course, me being the book hoarder that I am, I won't be getting rid of any of them. This is coming from the same chick who purposely bought two copies of Chuck Palahniuk's "Haunted" just because they had different covers (one was preordered here in the UK, the other I bought in Canada). I have two copies each of The Shining and at least two other Stephen King books.

I refuse to get a library card because that means I have to give the books back after I've read them. Instead of reading a book for free, I'd rather spent £8 on one and keep it forever. I've only lived here for five years but in that time I've accumulated well over two hundred books.

Anyway, I'm rambling again, I think my homemade-mocha is kicking in WHOO!

Bad news for the day:
- I've been awake since 4:20. Which means I've had less than 4 hours of sleep. But what the fuck else is new, right?
- I've got to take our team's phone line today. I fucking hate taking the phones =/
- I have to stay until 5 today, I've gotten used to leaving at 4 the past couple of days and beating the traffic/busy buses.
- I have to get up early tomorrow to meet S at the train station around 8:45 tomorrow morning. On my day off.

Good news for the day:
- YAY Weight loss!
- Although I have to get up early tomorrow, I'm still looking forward to Manchester IF I can get some decent sleep tonight =/

Bleh, I've got to go log my phone into our line, talk to you later chickadees.

Vee xox

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Poll: Round Three

This time I wanted to try to do something positive, although now that I've posted it, I think it could make people more depressed because it means thinking about your body and what you like (and, on the flipside I guess, makes you look at what you don't like) about it. If it does, I apologise.

Rather than asking what your problem areas are, this week's poll is asking which part of your body are you the HAPPIEST with?

First, I wanted this to be positive reinforcement, so I took out the "Nothing" category. There has to be ONE thing that you're even marginally happier with than other areas.

I want to clarify also that "happiest with" does not directly translate to "perfectly amazingly ecstatic with" at all. I know that there are very few women out there, especially in this particular community, that are perfectly happy with any part of themselves. But I want to force us all to focus on what we like, even if it's just a little bit.

My answer, unfortunately, is face. I feel like a pretty girl trapped in a cow's body. There is nothing about my body I like. My ass is huge, my thighs are huge, my arms and stomach are flab, my breasts are decent sized but way too saggy for a 23 year old, and even my back needs its own ZIP code. But my face is something I'm happy with MOST of the time. I just wish I had a body to match.

Even today, on a day where I'm feeling altogether down, I still find myself looking into the mirror and thinking "Damn, that new eye makeup looks amazing" - maybe it's vain of me, but it's the one thing I don't hate ALL of the time.

There you have it. What's yours? And again, feel free to comment here and elaborate, I love hearing more details and stories from you girls.

Hugs and love,
Vee xox

Poll Results: Round Two

I forgot to record the results of my first poll because I suck and don't think that far ahead BOOYAH!

Still coffee-buzzing, sorry.


The question was:

What's your favourite way to work out?

1. Outside (Running, etc): 9 Votes (60%)
2. Classes (aerobics, spinning, yoga, etc): 5 Votes (33%)
2. Pushups, crunches etc at home.: 5 Votes (33%)
4. At the gym, using lots of different equipment: 3 Votes (20%)
4. Swimming: 3 Votes (20%)
4. Using home gym equipment: 3 Votes (20%)
7. Workout DVDs at home: 1 Vote (6%)
7. Other: 1 Vote (6%)

I know the percentages add up to 198% or something stupid like that, but that's only because I allowed multiple ticks in the voting so some people ticked more than one box =]

Woot! A lot of people go running, damn! I wish I could. The sad truth is, I'm not fit enough to run, it would be a lengthy and embarassing walk-jog. I also have bad knees and weak ankles so running out on the pavement is a hazard to everyone's health. Especially the ankles. Treadmills for me are easier because there's nothing to trip over (although I totally have been known to fall over absolutely nothing). Maybe when I get my fitness level back up to something decent I'll start jogging after work...

Also, I'm missing my aerobics classes =[

Vee xox

New poll coming soon!

Awesome Treat

Mug or Cup of hot water
1-2 teaspoons of decent quality instant coffee (like Colombian or Brazilian)
1 level teaspoon of Options Belgian Chocolate hot chocolate powder.

Mix together and enjoy, baby!

Only 37 calories a cup ;] Less if you use less hot chocolate. But the coffee adds a nice boost to your metabolism to boot.

Tastes like a nice mocha, and the hot chocolate is already nice and sweet and gives a kind of creamy consistency so no real need for milk or coffee whitener. I like my coffee very sweet though so added a splenda sweetener tab for 0.2kcals.

Heaven in a cup.

All credit to my friend K, who is a whiz. I was actually talking to someone at work yesterday about coffee plus hot chocolate but for some reason it never clicked that it might actually taste halfway decent. Duh!

I think they key is to get good coffee though.

One cup and I'm already buzzing.

Also, when I went to Tesco to buy the coffee and hot chocolate, it was raining rather hard, and I nearly left my umbrella there, sigh. The dude was chatty and nice and was talking about the crappy weather and asked how my week is going and I said way too slow. Need. COFFEE. And I'd bought some green tea too. And he was all "I love green tea, I drink way too much of it. But I'm scared I'm drinking TOO much because I've already got an insanely high metabolism so I want to eat all the time!" and I was like yeah, and you'll get the shakes! But god damn it, why do WOMEN never get the super-high-metabolism-must-eat-eighteen-thousand-calories-in-a-day-or-will-die-from-skeletonitis gene?

Fucking men.

I even said "Damn, I wish I could that" and he was like "no you don't, you'd just want to eat everything!"


Another post later. I need to let my buzz wear off or my thoughts will not be organized.

Trying to Stay Motivated

This morning I woke up exactly the same as I did yesterday. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I'm so stressed out and depressed right now, it's stupid. I don't even have a real reason to be stressed out and depressed, so maybe I'm just going through a bit of a downer phase. The very thought of trying to find space to unpack all of my shit makes me want to pass out. Honestly, I have SO MUCH SHIT. And I can't even think of anything to get rid of. Because damn it, I spent good money on accumulating this shit, and the minute I throw it away is the minute I'll need it again.

I'm such a damn pack rat.

I have so much art "stuff". Sketch books and artist pencils and charcoal and fine-tipped pens for inking in line art. But the sad truth is that I haven't touched a sketch book in... well. Over a year at least, I haven't touched any of it since I moved in with my aunts. I love to draw, but my perfectionism outweighs the level of my talent and whenever I try, I just get pissed off. It doesn't help that ALL I can draw are cartooney figures. And even then, only chicks. So really, what's the point, right?

And yet, I keep it. I've always been very creative and artistic, and even though I haven't touched any of it in over a year, it feels like a sin to get rid of it.

Ditto with my guitar. I wanted a guitar for YEARS. When I moved here, the first year I was here, on November 12th 2004, my aunt bought me a second-hand acoustic from a cash converters place. Early Christmas present. And I was SO excited. I printed off guitar tabs from the internet and set to work trying to learn, well, anything.

That was nearly five years ago, and I can only play one song. I can fumble through another VERY, retardedly, slowly. I almost never try. It feels like a lost cause because I've been learning so god damn slowly, don't know where to start.

This has given me a little bit of insight into my too-ready-to-give-up nature. And realizing it makes me more determined than ever to prove myself wrong and reach ONE of my god damn goals. Every other goal I've set just never happened.

Learn to play guitar.

Learn to speak Japanese (still in progress, though)

Get a university degree to be proud of, and then a "real job".

Finish writing my book before I'm 25.

That last one makes me both want to laugh and cry.

I started writing it in high school. Scrapped it and restarted it like four times so far. Right now, I'm 23 years old, and I have nine pages in a word document. Nine. Fucking. Pages. And everytime I go to write more, I have no motivation, no level of creativity, I don't know what to write. When I force myself to write another paragraph, two paragraphs, a page, I wind up deleting it because the beginning of the story flows and reads okay, but everything I add on reads so dumb and fucking redundant.

But the goal to hit 120lbs? I will fucking damn well get there. Today is a set back, in that my weight is the exact same, down to the tenth of a pound, as it was yesterday. But I'll get there. I have to.

So, today's planning. I had to deviate from what I wrote yesterday because I forgot to put my milk-cooler-thing into the freezer last night.

Morning Weigh-In: 203.6lbs

ABC Day: 3

Calorie Cap: 300

Breakfast Plan: Vitality Probiotic Drink

Breakfast Calories: 67

Lunch Plan: Vanilla Muller Light Yogurt

Lunch Calories: 100

Dinner Plan: Chicken 10-Calorie Soup

Dinner Calories: 10

Snack Plan: Strawberry Muller Light Yogurt

Snack Calories: 100

Total: 277 calories

The snack is provisional. I'm not banking on having it, but I'm making it an option if I feel like I need something else. I'd rather fill up on 100 calories worth of yogurt than grap a maple syrup granola bar or something. Anyway, it's there if I really want something else in the evening.

God, I'm so tired. Wish me luck for today, I'll need it just to stop from falling asleep at my desk.

Vee xox

Tuesday, 16 June 2009


Okay, babycakes!

Day one went alright. I went over but I don't think it was by much. I lost 0.2 since yesterday, I think I'm still retaining water weight from the massive alcohol-induced dehydration on the weekend. I feel bloated, which is different from fat. We'll see I guess. I haven't been drinking near enough water so it's possible my body is going "what the fuck dude" and retaining a lot of what I do drink so I don't pass out from lack of water? Can that even happen? I'm the one who fucking took Biology and Chem classes in high school instead of taking stupid-level-just-plain-science.

Something about seeking homeostasis. I eat a lot of salt and don't drink enough water. Ergo; I am bloated because of the salt and dehydrated due to lack of water in my actual body cells - because the salt in the bloodstream draws water out of the body cells to seek balance. Or maybe I have this backwards, maybe the sodium goes into the body cells and draws the water from the bloodstream into the body which would induce bloating, and also dehydration within the bloodstream.

The latter sounds more likely but I honestly can't remember if it works both ways around. I think it does. I need to do research because this is going to bother me now.

I'm such a fucking dork.

Anyway, this post is about planning!

I'm excited that Erika is doing ABC at the same time as me. Doing it with someone (ooh, naughty!) gives that little extra motivation! I was going to do this with my good friend K but she started while I was still pondering whether or not to do the plan again, so I'm a few days behind her. Erika and I both started yesterday though, so yay!

So. Today is day 2. Which means that it is a 500 calorie day.

Morning Weigh In: 203.6lbs *I want to note here that I weighed myself before bed last night and it read 202 even. Usually I'm 1-3lbs lighter in the morning, so clearly I'm fucked up right now*

Daily Calorie Cap: 500

Breakfast: Sausage Sandwich. My reasoning here is that I'm migraine-al and want something with a good amount of meat in it (protein) to try to beat it off. I think the headache could also be due to salt intake (I probably consume on a daily basis twice as much as is the recommended max for an adult =/) so I'm also going to buy a bottle of water and down it, and TRY to refill it and drink in total 3 bottles of water at work. I had to take home the water bottle I bought from Paperchase because the water from the drinks machine at work made it grow Algae. What. The. Shit?

Breakfast Calories: Approx 360. I'm overestimating with the meat a little bit because I don't know how much fat that shit is cooked in.

Lunch: Skip

Lunch Calories: 0

Dinner: Fat-Free Strawberry Yogurt

Dinner Calories: 100

Daily Total Intake: 440

That's a number I'm comfortable with, only because it's under my cap for the day. I also feel like having the larger "meal" in the morning will help jumpstart my metabolism and give me longer to burn it off, instead of eating right before bedtime and going to sleep with food in my stomach.

The downside is that there are still hella boxes in my room and I can't get the damn treadmill out to use yet. Upside is that my aunt finally moved some boxes around in the spare room so we could set up my bookshelf last night so I can get my books unpacked, and a few other things that usually go on there (um yeah, I keep my hot rollers, my jewellery box, a bag of extra skincare stuff, my digital camera etc on the bottom shelf) AND I can finally move my computer into the spare room too, and unload another box of "Shit that goes on my desk" like blank CDs, some stationery and drawing pencils and notebooks, video games, magazines, etc etc.

That should get rid of the bigger box in my bedroom at least, the smaller one I can probably shove into the spare room - I can't unpack it until I get some kind of storage unit in place for my skincare and miscellaneous items. I own too much makeup/skincare / stationery.

I'm aiming to get all my books unpacked tonight at the very minimum, which should clear out about five half-filled boxes and two fully-filled boxes from the spare bedroom, which is a decent start!

Anyway, I've also planned out tomorrow, so I'll add that here too. I'll repost it tomorrow with my new weigh-in and that too.

ABC Day: 3

Calorie Cap: 300

Breakfast: Special K with Soymilk

Breakfast Calories: 89

Lunch: Fat-Free Yogurt

Lunch Calories: 100

Dinner: Fat-Free Yogurt

Dinner Calories: 100

Total: 289

I'm pretty sure there was something else I wanted to address here too, but I can't remember so it'll come later, if and when I can remember what I was.

Monday, 15 June 2009

Day One

So I've decided to take the plunge and do ABC again. Looking back at the daily calorie caps, I have no idea why I was so stressed and thinking they were too low before. I honestly remember them being a lot lower, what the hell? I guess it just shows how you get pulled further and further down into this mindset.

So, day one is 500 calories. Seems a bit high but whatever. What I'm going to do is switch out today for Friday so I have 500 calories to spend at the Hard Rock, and 100 is my cap for today. Which means, my 10 calorie soup only day is still on.

Give a little, take a little.

So today is going to be a 100-Calorie-Max Day One instead.

I had some decent success last time around - when I managed to stick to it, that is. 9lbs in the first week I think? I'll have to look back at my older posts to see, but it was something like that.

Wish me luck!

Vee xox

Fucked-Off and Fabulous

Bad times, you guys, bad times.

But also good times.

I'll start with the bad so that I can cheer myself up by the end of my post. If I Start with the good and end with the bad, I'll just be super pissed off and depressed and ruin the goodness of the day.

So the bad news is that I gained two and a half pounds since yesterday. Had I known I was going to gain so much anyway I might have given in to the urge to binge yesterday. But I guess it's best that I didn't. I'm trying to placate myself with the knowledge that the gain was probably not from yesterday but from Saturday, and the weight loss yesterday was just a fluke before the alcohol calories took over. Easy on, easy off. HAH! Whatever. I'm having a single 10 calorie soup tonight and that is all. I need to get out of the Danger Zone. I NEED TO DO IT.

Bleh. Ok, that's the bad. Here comes the good.

The first is that Saturday was amazing. I met up with my good buddy S around noonish at the mall. We had lunch at Nandos (Starter: Humous with pitta bread. Main: Portobello mushroom and halloumi cheese wrap. Dessert: Strawberry Frozen Yogurt. Let it be known this is the first time I have heard of Frozen Yogurt existing here. It was amazing, but made me long for a chocolate Yogen Fruz with 0 calories. Sigh) and then we headed back into the main mall area to shop. In total we were there around four hours. Then we headed back downtown to meet her boyfriend and get some Starbucks (Strawberries and Cream Frapp) and chat for a couple of hours.

We also decided to go out on the town, whoo! Well, more like her boyfriend L texted me the night before asking if I wanted to go out for some drinks with the two of them, as nobody responded when he asked all their friends out to celebrate her birthday. Then it turned into a night of pub crawling, and they invited a ton of other people but it turned out to just be the three of us.

I had... not a TON to drink, but more than I have in a while. Vodka and redbull. Double archer's and lemonade (Sprite for the non-Brits). Tiger Lily cocktail. Six various shots, plus a straight shot of Tia Maria (I'd never had it before and HOT DAMN!). Jager Bomb. Is that it? I can't remember any more. Oh yeah there was some Southern Comfort and lemonade involved at one point. Hmm.

Anyway, I was pretty drunk, but then before we had the last couple of shots we went to find something to eat. The three of us shared a portion of chips and cheese and donner/kebab/donair meat. I didn't eat a lot but it sobered me up quite a bit and by the time we left I was just feeling tipsy. It was a great night, though. We didn't get to spend enough time dancing in the 80's club, though. And we left before they played Pour Some Sugar On Me, which I requested. But still, it was a good night.

Surprisingly I got ID'd at every pub/bar/club we went into. Except for one. One of the bouncers just asked how old I was and then told me I didn't look 23 as he looked for the DOB on my passport.

In the end I wasn't hungover at all yesterday, which is good (lol S said she was quite hung over after our epic night out). I was really tired and a little dehydrated, but before I went to bed I took two painkillers and a TON TON TON of water, and I think that helped lessen the effects a bit. Thank god. I love going out and I love drinking but I hate hangovers =/ Luckily I've only ever really been hung over three times in my life.

I'm pretty convinced S used to be Ana. At one point we were discussing diets and how we've put on weight since living with family. Mine is with my aunts "family meals" and takeout, which are now a thing of the past. Hers is staying with her grandmother and not having any control over portion size. She'd mentioned before that she used to weigh 6.5 stone (which I calculated out to 91lbs, and she's about 5'3 tall - she's currently a size 10 and looks great, so 2 stone ago I can only imagine how skinny she was. Colour me jealous!). When she was talking about her grandmother feeding her since she's moved back in - she and L are staying with her granny until the sale goes through and they can move into their new house - she said "because I used to have.. problems with my weight... if I don't finish everything that's put on a plate in front of me, people make a big deal about me not eating right." I only half-jokingly said "Jeez people, piss off, I'll starve myself if I want to!" and she just laughed and nodded.

I Was telling her about the milk-yogurt diet J did before surgery and how she lost a stone in 10 days, and her boyfriend said he wanted to do it. And then S asked him "Can I do it? I want to lose a stone" and he told her she's dumb and her ass is fabulous etc, but she can if she wants to. Which again makes me think she's got a history.

I don't want to ask her outright. S is my best friend and I Wish I could confess to her. But I don't want to be wrong and wind up fucking up our relationship. So, I'll just ride the waves and see where they go I guess.

The other piece of good news also involves S, and that she might be coming back to work with me! Right now we work for the same company, but in different departments in different buildings doing different stuff. But she told me on the weekend her contract in the other department is only until July, and it's on a "take it from there" basis, but that she'd prefer to come back here to work with me. Which would be, quite frankly, fucking awesome. So I told her I'd ask my manager / her old manager about it.

I wasn't very subtle about it, I didn't know how to bring it up lol.

"So uh.. Do we have a need for another already-trained member of staff?" he looked at me questioningly, but before he could respond yet I proceeded with "Because S wants to come back"

And almost immediately he said "Yes, tell her we'll have her back!"

He needs to check it by his manager and see what the budget is, if they can pay her a salary, but he said it's a tentative yes and he'll give me a definite answer for her by the end of the day. Fuckin' Awesome!

It would be great to work with her again, it'd give me something to do. The two of us never shut up when we're in the same room. Hell, our internal email conversations stretch on for pages in a single reply.

I think it should be ok to go through... because, when she was a temp here, they offered her a permanent job then. Except, the other department/building had already made her an offer that same morning and she'd accepted it, not knowing this place wanted her too. And by the time her manager here offered, it was too late to go back on the other offer, without looking like a flake. But basically since she left, she's been wanting to come back, and now that her contract is coming to an end in the next few weeks, hopefully it'll all go through. I can't wait.

I mean, I see her outside of work and text/email her all the time, but it'll be great having her back here. And hell, we can "diet" together, since she did say she wants to lose a stone, and I want to lose like, eighty.

So yeah. I'm fucked off because Saturday seems to have caught up with me and the weight gain is very, very unwelcome. But I've got until Friday to starve off a couple pounds. Friday S and I are off to Manchester for the day and we're hitting the Hard Rock cafe, but it shouldn't be TOO bad. After that we don't have any plans for eating out, just things like bowling and going to the cinema, so it should be okay.

I'm trying to stay positive. Whoo, go me.

Hope you had a nice weekend, ladies!

Vee xoxo

ps: sorry for the random ass post yesterday. I was trying to do an update on my mobile phone but the text field for the actual post itself wasn't working. Fucking thing. I want an iPhone. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on my current contract and can't upgrade until next May. Suckage.

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Friday, 12 June 2009

Going Strong!

Totally making up for yesterday big time!

It's currently 3:30 in the afternoon here in Sunny ol' England (and it actually IS sunny here for a change what the shit?) and I'm leaving work at 4. And so far I have consumed 5 calories, in the form of a 500ml bottle of 7-Up Free.

My stomach was grumbling and hungry between 10 and 11ish, but I made myself wait until after 12 to make my 10-calorie soup. I plunged on with my work instead, and the next thing I knew it was nearly 2pm, and I wasn't even hungry anymore. Still am not, in fact.

So, fabulousness.

After a 10-kcal soup at home, and another bottle of 7-Up Free, my total intake will be exactly 20 calories.

As an aside, this right here is why I'm not sure it's worth me doing the ABC diet. Technically speaking, today would have been a 500 calorie day, but I'm strong and doing it well anyway. But that said, is it worth doing ANY plan at all? I spent all of yesterday agonizing that I needed a structure, but yet here I am doing it on my own and ignoring what structure dictates.

Something to think about, I guess.

Have a nice weekend dolls! Hopefully my internet will be hooked up soon, so I can post when I'm not at work =/

Vee xox

No Excuses

I'm up another pound today. Which means that as of right now, I am once again back at my old starting weight: 201.4lbs. How. Fucking. Shameful.

In the end I had to eat something at lunch, so I got a panini from the canteen at work and had some of that. And also a piece of garlic baguette. Garlic is definitely one of my weaknesses and dare I say, might actually be the first"trigger" food I've figured out so far. The panini wasn't too bad, but it wasn't until after I devoured the garlickey baguette bread (not a whole baguette, just a piece of one, and it was weird, not sliced, it was just coated on the outside with the garlic), that I Realized DUH garlickey bread = garlic BUTTER you dumb cow!

Sigh. Then I planned to behave for the rest of the day, go me.

Until my aunt picked me up from work.

This is a total side-note. But no fewer than six times on Wednesday my aunt confirmed that she was to pick me up at 5. "What time are you finishing?" "5" "Okay see you tonight" "Yep, at 5" etc. At 4:27 I got a text saying "I'm outside when you're ready" to which I replied that I can't leave until 5. Other people already left at 4 and I had to stay until 5. She then replied "You should have told them you're visiting your aunt in hospital and had to leave at 4"

Wait. What?

I'm sorry but I'm not a fucking mind reader. I would have, if she'd said "I'll pick you up at 4" but she told me 5, so I didn't ask if I could go early which means the floor was open for most other people to leave at 4, which they did.

But anyway. On the way home my aunt told me she picked up a cheese breadstick thing for me at the supermarket. I didn't want one, but she knows I love them, so when we got home she was saying how they're fresh and warm and if I don't eat it tonight it'll probably be stale by tomorrow (today). So, to not have wasted her money, I had the corner off that. Nothing too major. Then threw it out.

And then... the cinema. Movie theatre popcorn is one of my bigger weaknesses. And after having not had it in a year and a half, my body switches into binge mode the instant I smell it. But I wasn't going to get anything to eat, I just wanted to get a big cup of icy coke zero to fill me up. And also, I was ridiculously dehydrated yesterday. I need to fucking stop it with the not-drinking-enough bs. But my aunt wanted popcorn so I bought some for her while she went to get seats in the cinema. And while watching the movie I ate some of that popcorn without even thinking or realizing what I Was doing. Until finally I caught myself and told her I didn't want any more.

It was so strange, like my body was on auto pilot. I was completely immersed in the movie, and literally did not realize what I was doing at first. So, now I know that the cinema is a dangerous place, even if I'm not buying snacks. I think next time I'll bring my own. Like a Special K bar or, I dunno. Something to snack on that isn't caloriffic.

At least the cinema we go to doesn't put butter on their popcorn, just salt. Although salt=water retention, which explains the pound gain. There's no way in hell I ate 3,500 more calories than I expended. I need to stop trying to rationalize =]

I'm just pissed off with myself because it's two days in a row. But today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I have a 10-calorie soup next to me on my desk for lunch. I'll have another when I get home. And nothing else. AND tonight I think I'm going to buy that juicer I wanted so I can make some healthy juice.

I wonder if celery juice is negative-cal like just celery is? Hmm.

I need to get the internet at home again soon... then I can go through the little book of juicer recipes and plug them into a calorie calculator.

Anyway, off to do some work, ciao!

Vee xox

ps: J is coming home from the hospital today, which essentially means no more fast food in the house. My aunt doesn't think it's fair to eat shitty food in front of J, which means she won't suprise me with pizza when I get home or anything. Yay! And then she'll be having her op this summer too =]

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Seeking Structure. Also a rant on Motivation VS Criticism.

I think I need to find a new plan to follow. At least until I can devise my own.

It's not that I've been doing badly, it's just that I seem to work better than I have a firm structured plan to follow. Something that is precise and exact and won't bend or sway just because I want it to. It's all well and good setting a calorie-specific goal for myself, but I need a plan, not just a take-it-as-it-comes lifestyle.

I dunno. Back when I first did the ABC diet... I'll admit there were a few days when I went over. But overall I lost quite a bit of weight. I think I dropped 6lbs or something in the first week. Which isn't exorbitant to any stretch of the imagination, but damnit it was something, it was good.

I originally backed away from ABC in favour of a more personal diet plan with a friend. Then, we were both busy with personal things and fell out of contact for a while. K and I have resumed our textual relationship now, and she mentioned today she's going back on ABC. And I'm tempted to join her.

At the time, ABC seemed almost too harsh and restricting, and I dreaded the fast days. In retrospect, I think I panicked over nothing. The restricting was kind of the entire point of it and I think after a while I lost sight of that. The enforced fast days were dreaded because they always fell on days when I just couldn't bring myself to do it; wheras on more than one 500 day I went by on 12 calories instead.

What I need to remember is that, while the calorie caps are firm and not to be fucked with, I can still change off the fast days if it's just not going to happen. I'd rather switch out a fast day and do it a couple of days later, than cheat and just not do it at all.

I found, though, that the ABC community we were a part of, had a very harsh and vindictive side to them that I wasn't expecting. That is not to say, by any means, that everyone on an ABC or ED community is like that. The wonderful people far outnumbered the random bitches. But, as we all know, the bad affects us more than the good does. One bad experience will sit in your mind heavier than ten good ones.

One day of weight gain makes you obsessive and moody and upset even if it's preceded and followed by ten days of straight losses.

Nobody was negative directly to me, but some of the comments being thrown around at others really did get to me. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that, the very same people who flooded into these communities for support and understanding, were turning around and insulting and criticizing other people who had done the same. And for the stupidest reasons. If someone hadn't been severely underweight, some people would tell them they were wannarexics and should fuck off elsewhere. These very same people who sought out a community of people in the same situation as them, couldn't find it in them to realize that not every eating disordered woman is a 68lb waif. The disorders are far much more mental, emotional, and psycholigical than physical.

Or, if someone couldn't handle their fast day and had 25 calories, they were told that they should just start over because they had failed.

Like I said, the encouraging comments were much more abundant, but when one person is calling you a fat fuckup, it doesn't matter much what the other 20 are saying. That one negative voice sounds louder and louder than the others, echoes around your head and in your mind and destroys the way you feel for longer than you'd think, longer than you'd like to let it.

All of this is to say, I'm wary of getting back into the ABC diet. Even though I don't have any intention of getting into any forums or communities, my plan is to stay right here, there's still that stigma attached to the ABC plan for me now. And I think a part of me will always associate it with hypocrisy and vindictive, unnecessary cruelty.

Let me say right now that I know some people out there might say "the negative comments are encouragement too!" and I would be lying if I said I didn't understand where you were coming from. On the one hand, it's wrong to call somebody a fuck up, especially to someone who firmly believes that she IS one. On the other hand, can it really do much help to someone by telling them it's okay to eat as much fatty food as they want?

But really, at the end of the day, I think positive encouragement is less damaging than negative criticism. What girls in this community want are people who understand the fact that people fuck up from time to time. But fucking up once or twice, or a dozen times does not make YOU a fuck-up! We all do it. This lifestyle is not a choice, but it IS a struggle. We struggle with what we want and what we need. And sometimes those things don't always fall into line.

I guess this post has kind of come off the rails. Rather than just being about my desire for a structured plan to follow, it's turned into a tirade, and for that I apologise. I just think it's important for me to get this out, because I think what I have to say *is* important, even though you might not.

The message I guess I'm trying to get across is that people in the Eating Disordered community have enough negativity in themselves already. They don't need someone else calling them a failure and a fuck up, because the truth is that inside they're already berating themselves and thinking far worse things about themselves.

The best thing you can do when you hear or read that someone did something they shouldn't** have done - whether that be bingeing and purging, going over their calorie cap, skipping a day at the gym, or even just eating that piece of cake that was shoved in their face - is to tell them that it's okay. That they can move past it and do better, and that one setback is not going to run their goals and their progress. And not to tell them how badly they've done and that it's not okay and they're a failure.

Because you know what? Calling somebody a fat failure of a fuckup? You're just reinforcing what they probably already think of themselves. And if a person keeps hearing over and over again that they are a fat failure of a fuckup, there's always that chance that they'll give up. They'll ask what the point is, if they keep failing anyway.

And then you will have helped that girl to be the thing she fears the most.

But if you tell her she's strong and beautiful and fully capable of reaching her goals? Maybe, just maybe, she'll start to believe in it. To believe in herself. To stop looking in the mirror and seeing a ghastly, ugly face staring back. Maybe she'll realize that she *can* do it, that she isn't alone, and we can do it together.

And then... Well, then you will have helped that girl to be everything she's always dreamed.

Stay beautiful, my strong, skinny darlings,
Vee xox

** - "shouldn't" is, in this case, entirely subjective. I'm talking "shouldn't" as in from that person's point of view, and not what you, or the community, or the general public think they "shouldn't have done". I just wanted to clarify this point.

I Fucking Hate It

...when I'm doing well, I feel strong, and then The Universe throws a headache at me. Threatening me to eat something that I don't even want, or suffer a migraine.

I have to weigh the pros and cons.

Stick to my guns and have ONLY the 2 10-calorie soups for lunch/dinner today and nothing else.

--Probably drop a pound and a half, especially if I have time to do half an hour on the treadmill before bed.

--Feel good about myself. Strength is motivating, baby!

--I'm already tired and lack of food might make me tired enough to sleep for longer than 3 hours tonight.

--Possible consequences in the form of a full-on migraine attack

Or.. Find something edible for lunch and then do the 10 calorie soup for dinner.

--Possible total aversion of migraine

--Means eating additional calories, possibly up to 200 depending on what my canteen has in stock.

--Additional calories = less weight loss, or even weight gain

--No guarantees that it WILL stop a migraine - this might be completely unrelated to no-food-in-system

Hmm. According to that list, I should just not eat. But the pain in my head is screaming otherwise.

But I managed to gain a pound yesterday, and I need to not go there.

I'm going to be honest with you, even though I'm ashamed.

Yesterday, after going to the hospital and waiting for J to go through for her surgery, my aunt and I went to the mall. On the way out I downed a cup of water from the water cooler, completely parched and dehydrated. It was so cold and soothing and tasted yummy. Awesome.

At the mall I picked up some birthday cards, a present for my grandma from Lush, a new perfume (Harajuku Lovers - Music. I love it, it's fruity and sweet and warm), a face mask. Nothing exciting. Except for when we were in the card store.

See... I am not a morning person. And I don't just mean that in the sense that I am grumpy and grounchy if I wake up early. I mean that my body doesn't even function properly. I can't eat breakfast before leaving the house because if I do, my body will reject it and I will wind up with explosive diarrhoea for the rest of the day, sometimes into the next. Yes, my body is entirely fucked right up.

And yes, that goes for drinking anything, too.

On the drive to the mall I was okay but my stomach felt a bit weird and I knew I'd probably need to use the toilet as soon as we got home, but nothing insane was happening. After going to the bank and then to Lush and to the card store, though, it suddenly became very clear I could not wait. So I hurried to buy my cards, told my aunt I'd meet her by the escalators, and took off.

The main toilets were shut, but I forgot that until I got to the entrance, and then had to turn and walk all the way back to find another one. And at this point I was seriously praying that I would make it in time. I realize this is probably too much information and I apologise, but oh. my. god. it was excruciating. I was on the verge of complete panic and practically ran.

I won't give you gross details haha. But when I met up with my aunt afterward, I was completely shaking and both severely dehydrated and feeling faint. So on the way out I grabbed a sandwich bagel thing, after spending no less than ten minutes of reading the labels on every sandwich in the display. Total calories were around 300 but at that point I doubt I would have been able to walk to the car. I also got a bottle of strawberry flavoured water (7 calories for the whole bottle) and downed it in one go before eating the bagel.

Things were okay, I started to feel better and my body was calming down. Or so I thought. Until we got home and I had to run to the toilet to... uh, evacuate the remains of the bagel, I guess. After that, I went to bed for an hour.

After an hour, I woke up feeling even more exhausted than I had before I went to bed. But, I had to get up because J was out of surgery and was awake and we had to go visit her. So we spent around three hours there sitting and talking to her, before we headed home. As we stepped outside, my aunt asked what I wanted for dinner. I just shrugged noncommittally and got into the car, because I'd already planned to try the onion flavoured 10-calorie soup (the chicken ones are mucho nice, for real). But she banged on about how we don't have any "real food" in the house and we need to either go to Morrisson's to pick something up or hit McDonald's or something. Of course I said "well if we go to Morrisson's we can pick up some salads" because they have this awesome salad bar thing. There's a lot of crap in it, like pasta and potato salads and stuff, which my aunt likes, but they have generic salad stuff too. And the cherry tomatoes look awesome.

However, the weather was INSANE. Parts of the city were flooding and traffic was horrendous. At one point we were stuck at a red light for over fifteen minutes, no exaggeration. By the time we got to Chapeltown, my aunt had decided she couldn't be bothered messing around in Morrisson's and stopped at the KFC near our house instead.

I dutifully ordered a small meal, ate the fries and shared the chicken with the cats (the cats are total pigs, which is probably a good thing lol). And then went upstairs for my shower.

You can see where this is going.

I turned on the water, laid some toilet paper in the bottom of the toilet bowl, and stuck the end of my toothbrush down my throat until I'd brought up as much as I could. I felt shakey but the empty feeling was back and that was good.

The thing is, I felt SO ashamed. I do not feel an ounce of shame about not eating or starvation. Starving makes me feel strong and proud. Purging, whether I've "binged" or not, makes me feel like a failure. And it's something I wasn't going to admit here.

Until I realized, if I can't admit it here, where the fuck can I? The only people in the world who understand are right here.

Don't get me wrong. I have to reiterate that Bulimia is NOT my friend. I pull back every time that bitch Mia tries to wrap her arms around my gut and force me to heave. Shame aside, my teeth are far too important to me. That's probably a really dumb and vain reason, but it's my motivation to not let Mia take over.

But yesterday I felt so helpless. My aunt wasn't backing down, telling me I'd been up since 5:30 and had only had a bagel and I needed to eat something more than just soup or whatever. So I did as I was told like a good little fucking subservient. And I had to do something about it.

The panic I felt while I was slowly dividing the chicken between small bites for me and larger pieces for the cats, rivalled the feeling of panic in those moments at the mall when I honest to God thought I wasn't going to make it to the bathrooms in time. So I did the only thing I could think of.

Looking at myself in the mirror after, with my mascara smudged all around my eyes and dripping in wet streams down both cheeks, from my eyes watering from the force of vomiting, I was disgusted with myself. Reminding myself that this can't happen again. That not eating, regardless of the familial consequences, is better than this. Anything else is better than this. Anything.

So I got in the shower and washed it away.

And still woke up a pound heavier today.

Mia is unreliable.

Ana is dependable.

... I think my story just successfully talked myself out of eating today. It's just really, really, not worth it.

100 Posts!

Wow. I write a lot of BS, don't I? =]

First of all, hi to my new followers!

Second, this is just a quick post. I know, a 100th post should be profound and meaningful or at least fun to read. But I'm at work and I feel like I'm jet-lagged and exhausted and I can't get my brain to work properly to actually come up with something to write about.

So, just a quick update to say that J's surgery went well yesterday and she'll be coming home tomorrow. Having someone in the house who is physically unable to eat or drink anything aside from water and clear soups is great motivation to not buy food. On top of self-motivation, the guilt factor is immense. Yay!

But yeah, I'll try to write more later. I was composing a long ass post in my head while I was trying to get to sleep last night, and now I can't remember what it was even about. So I'll post again when / if I remember. I hope you're all okay and doing well!

Love and Light

Vee xox

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Okay, so I lied

One more post today.

Just to complain that Blogger needs to have a more user-friendly interface when it comes to viewing comments. I'm trying to find one specific comment that led me to somebody's blog, and from the Dashboard I can't for the life of me remember which blog it was to begin with, so I'm having to load up every single post in its own window (work's computer's do not have tabbed browsing) to skim through the comments.

And jesus, girls, I write a LOT.

I also noticed I say the word "digress/ing" at least twice in every other post. Repetition is bad. Find some synonyms, Vee!


Random giggle.

There's this guy that works up the office from me. I've never spoken to him in my life or anything. But now when I see him I giggle. It's all because one of the men in my team pointed out that he looks like Mr Tumnis from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe (Holy long title, Batman!) (...I also use a lot of parentheses) and he walks with a weird gait that makes him look like he's walking on goat legs. Disappointingly today though, he shaved his weird jawline-following-almost-a-beard-thing so he looks less Fawn-ey than usual.

Still, giggle inducing!

Fuck, I keep reading things online and I'm so behind on my work and I'm leaving in an hour and a half. I need to kick myself in the ass. Although, an hour and a half is probably ample time to get the 4 pieces of work out that are still on my desk to do. Hmm. Whatever, I need to stop killing time.

Although... the whole reason I opened this to begin with is because of work haha. I was just finishing up a letter and I need to include with it a booklet that gives details of some bonus rates (I work in pensions, it's all very boring) and when I went to search for it in my work email, the fucking email client froze. So I thought, while I wait for it to find what I want, I'll post a little blog entry. But before I did that I was looking through my comments. And now I'm rambling again because I rock out loud. And my email client is STILL frozen, because the systems in this place are fuckin' fantastic.

Bleh, I guess this means I have to restart. Which will take around 12 minutes. Huzzah.

I'm tired, I just want to go home at this point. Tummy is feeling empty but no hunger pains or growliness. Instead of being happy about this I am now at the point of craving the feeling of hunger. Bring it!

Vee xox

A Moment of Strength

God, I'm so fucking upbeat and positive today that I kind of want to scream. Remember when I wrote ages ago about starvation = euphoria? It's still fucking true. I've missed this. It's an amazing feeling.

Just now I went to the little book stall set up outside my work's canteen, and picked up a birthday present for S - a dessert cookbook. And it cost me £4. Regular price? £20. Score! So I shall just need to get a card and wrap it up nicely and it's good to go. Although in retrospect we're now going to have to carry it around the mall on Saturday. Oh well =]

I also picked up a little Juice recipe book set. It's so cute, the box that the three little books are in is shaped like a mini juice/milk carton (That just made me think, do we have milk cartons over here? I know we have the bottles but I can't remember seeing any cardboard cartons. Trippy! Screw cartons, England needs to discover the good ol' Milk In A Bag that we had back in Canada, ehehe. Ok ok, I'm off topic already). The three books are for Vegetable juices, Fruit juices, and Smoothies respectively.

I figure this will be good because I've been wanting a juicer and to be able to do some juice-fasts every now and again, and the book will give me a little inspiration and I'll be able to try something new rather than eating and drinking the same boring shit every day. It'll be... interesting. The problem right now is that I don't actually HAVE a juicer. There's one on sale in the Morrison's near my new house that has one on sale for £9.98, and I was going to buy it, but then J said her sister in law gave them one ages ago and its in their garage. Which is ok but do I really want a juicer that's been sitting in their spider-infested garage for the past 2+ years? Probably not. I think I'll buy the juicer when I go shopping this weekend. And also make a mental note to buy some fruits and vegetables to try a couple of the juices out.

Honestly, I'm so excited about this. More than I should be, haha.

Jeez... I've posted SIX times already today? I have issues...

Moving on.

Like I said, the book stall was outside work's canteen. I went in to get a Pepsi Max, because I need something other than lukewarm-water-that-gives-me-heartburn to drink, and the drinks machine near where my desk is doesn't have a SINGLE diet beverage in it. And although that Lilt would have tasted amazing, it wasn't worth the 60 calories for a 500ml bottle.

Anyway, I was SO tempted to buy something to eat. First I looked at the yogurts, but I already had a yogurt at my desk. Then I looked at the fruit, but they looked like they were in a state of suspended decay. Then I looked at the sandwiches and so very very nearly picked up a cheese-and-pepperoni panini. And then I saw the mushroom stroganoff with rice, and a voice inside said "You did so well yesterday, having that for lunch today isn't going to kill you, you know" - but I fought it down and let that other voice take over instead. The one that was telling me "What's the point in doing so well yesterday to begin with if you're going to turn around and fuck it right up again on day two? Are you really so god damn weak that you can't handle two days in a row without stuffing yourself full of greasy food like the fat pig you don't want to be?"

I turned away, internally screaming at the voice that dared to tell me it was okay. Because it was not okay at all. I could do this, I wasn't even really hungry, I just wanted it because it was THERE and it would taste okay for the entire ten minutes it would take me to eat it. But then were would I be? So I smiled and I turned away and went to pay for my bottle of pop.

Then, I was interrupted when the lady from the security desk in reception turned to me and said hi. Told me I looked different, good-different with blonde hair and she didn't recognize me at first. She told me I looked "fab" and I wanted to hit her. I do not look fab. The last compliment she paid me was the last time I ran into her about a year ago, when she told me "My god, you've lost a load of weight, you look fantastic!" - which she couldn't say to me today because here I am, 30lbs heavier than I was back then.

Funny, isn't it? A compliment means nothing unless it's a comment about how much weight you've lost, how slim and skinny you look.

All the same, I'm still in a great mood. I came back to my desk and ate my yogurt and I can honestly, truly say that I feel full. I'm not just talking sated and not-hungry but actually full. Which just reinforces the fact that I don't actually, really, need to eat more. If I'd bought food from the canteen, I'd have eaten it just for the sake of it, I would have regretted it and felt like shit and gained weight. And I wasn't even hungry.

I love these moments. The times I make the right decisions. They seem way too few and far between, but when they happen I feel elated.

Haha ok I'm going to try not to write any more random posts today, lord knows I've already spammed up my followers' dashboard bloglist enough.

No posts tomorrow as I'm off work and the home internet isn't up yet. But I'll be thinking of you! xxx

Calorie Counting Bracelets

I've just been randomly skimming the internet and stumbled across the Calorie Counting Bracelet phenomenon. Maybe not so much a phenomenon as they aren't exactly widely available or anything, but I'm still loving the idea.

It's essentially a beaded bracelet with a charm that hooks onto it. Each bead represents a certain number of calories (all the ones I've seen so far work on a 1 bead = 100 kcals basis, but I'd be more interested in a double-stranded one where the first strand is 10 calories per bead and the second strand has fewer beads and measures in hundreds) and you move your charm over to keep track of how many calories you're on.

I love it and I really want one.

I've found THIS website that sells some two-stranded (20 beads total) calorie-counter bracelets, as well as pretty single-stranded beaded bracelets in various semiprecious stones (garnet for Ana, amethyst for Mia, etc) and with meaningful charms attached. I might buy one of each, but I need a wrist measurement first, and I'm at work so that's kinda not going to happen here.

Anyway, enjoy! <3

Advice Time v2.0

I want to get a pedometer/step counter. But I'm torn between two.

Do I get the standard everyday one that calculates steps, distance, and calories, and switches into "Aerobic mode" once you've been walking a decent speed for more than 10 minutes (I think that's for more accurate calorie counting)? (£11)

Or the better model that does the above and also calculates your metabolism and has an exercise mode that calculates intensity in METs, records your exercise "units" (the equivalent of one MET-hour = 1 Exercise unit) and gives you a weekly goal of 21 exercise units, and keeps track of your progress toward the goals (£22)

Which would you go for?

New Poll!

Just because I'm a nosey bitch =]

This one is just about your favourite way to work-out. I've got another one in mind, which will be about restriction, I think, but that can wait until this one has been done.

Feel free to comment here and elaborate if you want to, I love reading your posts and comments!

About Me

I just realized I've never posted a real kind of introduction here. I was going to write something on the sidebar but it turned out WAY too long. Some of this stuff you guys already know - and I realize it's ridiculously vain of me to assume anybody even cares. But here it is anyway.

Obviously I have a life outside of the world of food and weight obsession. I'm a 23 year old Canadian girl living in England with extended family. I have dual nationality. I'm bottle blonde, blue-eyed, and fat fat fat. Sometimes I think I'm pretty, but that is all. I recently had braces taken off and am far more pleased with the resulting smile than I was anticipating.

I have a love-hate relationship with my immediate family. Except where my mother's husband is concerned. His is just a hate-hate-hate. I love my mother but I have very, very little respect for her and the choices she has made, as a person and as a mother. My sister seems to be finally trying to get her life together; I wish my brother would do the same. I have a nephew, who was born in November 2007, who I haven't met yet as he lives in Canada with the rest of my immediate family.

I can be a geek sometimes; I've been toying with the idea of going to University and taking Genetics & Microbiology classes. However, half the time I come off as an absolute retard. I can also be pretty ignorant about major current events. Politics bore me to hell; I should pay attention, but I can't find it in myself to do so.

I love video games. My favourite are the Silent Hill series, followed probably by Final Fantasy, Harvest Moon, and The Sims. Like I said, geekalicious.

I'm very passionate about music, and my tastes are eclectic. Primarily I listen to a lot of rock music, of varying subgenres - some of my favourite bands can be found in a recent post. I'm a huge movie buff and love going to the cinema. My favourite director is Tim Burton, I think the man is a GOD. I watch all genres, but I particularly love comedies (in the style of Jim Carrey, Will Farrell, Ben Stiller, etc) and horror movies. I love being scared, but most horror movies of today tend to disappoint. I also love me some gore. Like Hostel, or Saw. <3

I'm also a huuuge bookworm. I'm always reading, and usually have more than one book going at a time. I'll read anywhere. At work at my desk during lunch, in a bubble bath, in bed, while watching TV. I used to read in the car, too, but I get super super carsick if I do that now. Hell, I get carsick if I send a text message in a moving vehicle, or look in a glove compartment for a CD.

My favourite authors are Dean Koontz and Chuck Palahniuk. Stephen King also rocks out loud. I'm constantly on the hunt for a new amazing author to discover, so any recommendations will be taken on board and added to my list.

I have a very strong interest in all things related to the paranormal / supernatural / metaphysical / occult / whatever you want to call it. I read tarot cards (or rather, I try to), I have crystals, pendulums, all that fun stuff. A friend of ours keeps referring to me as a witch, but I wouldn't say that's necessarily accurate. I'm just... openminded. And entirely fascinated. I would absolutely LOVE to stay in a haunted hotel or hospital for a night.

This might get a few peoples' backs up, but I don't believe in organized religion. I generally fail to see the difference between any popular (or unpopular) cults and Catholicism or Christianity. I believe that people should be free to believe what they want to, and to not have to stick those beliefs into a very small, specifically-tailored box. That said, I fully respect that some people are religious, and that's fine. I won't preach at them, as long as they extend me the same courtesy. To each his own, is how I feel.

I can be pretty strongly opinionated, and also a moody bitch-cow, which will probably be reflected in my blog, if it hasn't been already. And I'm pretty sure it has ;]

I'm going to cut off here because this is going on forever. But, there's a brief glimpse into who I am outside of the ED-World.


So far, so good.

Last night I stuck to my guns and just had a 10 calorie chicken flavoured soup for dinner. Add two mugs of Dr Pepper Zero, and that was it last night. Added to the cereal-soymilk-yogurt at work and my daily total was 199 =]

So pleased with myself. Even moreso because my daily weigh in registered a drop of FIVE POUNDS since yesterday. Because of that, I'm feeling more comfortable admitting the current state of affairs. This morning I was 199.4lbs. I'm still in denial and can't bring myself to post the number that turned up yesterday, but I'm sure you can all do the simple math. And that is why I felt like a failure. I weighed MORE yesterday than I did when I started this blog.

But progress has been made and the big cut to my calorie intake seems to have done the job. I will readily admit that at least half of it is probably water weight, and some of the weigh in yesterday might have been water and bowel weight - but regardless of the reason for the numbers, the one that turned up yesterday was simply unacceptible.

Today I am planning more of the same. I've had my cereal, I've got another fat free yogurt for lunch, and I've got the 10-calorie soups in the cupboard at home. So all going according to plan today should be 199 calories again.

We may or may not be going to the cinema tonight. J wants to see the new Star Trek movie before she has her surgery (tomorrow) and my aunt said we'd go last night to get it in before the big surgery date. Of course, when I got home from work last night my aunt professed to being too tired and said we'd go tonight instead. J said she had a lot to do (getting all her things together for the hospital, and they're bringing the big TV from the old house tonight too) and wasn't sure we'd have time. Then my aunt was like "Well we don't have to go if you don't want to" and I really wanted to laugh. I wanted to say "J is the one that WANTS to go, you're the one making excuses not to" - especially since they just sat at home and watched tv until 11 anyway, so we might as well have gone to see the movie.

But, I'm digressing. All that is to say that we're planning to go to see it tonight, but then they're not sure it'll happen. We'll see.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I've got the day off work, and we're going with J to the hospital in the morning. She has to be there at 7. Ordinarily I would be near suicidal at that idea, because I am so desperately not a morning person. But since we moved into the new house my sleeping problems have grown more severe (fucking lack of decent curtains!!) so every day since we moved I've been awake between 5 and 5:30. So it's not really a big deal to have to leave around 6 tomorrow morning.

Then, I need to see if I can get my aunt to take me to the mall or to town or something because I need to pick up a couple things. It was my friend S's birthday last Friday and I'm going out with her on Saturday (shopping and planning our trip to Manchester next week and getting out free Starbucks and we're supposed to be lunching at Nandos, which is definitely going to be a challenge) so I need to pick up a card and a present. And I'm at a total loss. I've only known S since like October of last year, but she's quickly become one of my best friends (and I'm pretty sure she used to have an eating disorder because the last time we went out we were discussing diets and my aunts' surgery and she said "Just try the not-eating diet. I did that, and I used to weigh 6 stone until I met L (her boyfriend-now-fiancee)") But again, I'm digressing.

I'm not sure what to get for her. I know she's into Urban Decay makeup but I don't know what she already has and I don't want to buy her something she's already got. Ditto with cookbooks (specifically baking ones). So I might just buy her a leather wallet with butterflies on it that she saw when we went to River Island a couple of weeks ago. She'll probably expect it, because as she was agonizing over whether to get it or not I asked her then and there if she wanted me to get it for her birthday. But at least I know it's something she wants.

And then, I also need to get something for my grandmother. Christ, I can't remember if I blogged about this yesterday or if it was just in the email I sent S in the afternoon. Let me check, haha. Okay, no I didn't.

A couple of months ago I bought a few pairs of Rocket Dog flats. And I love them (I bought 2 each of 2 different styles, and the one style fit awesomely but the other style fits snug so I don't wear them often, even though they're nicer than the others). And, so does my grandmother. So I was going to get her a pair for cheap off of Ebay (where I got 3 of my 4 pairs from") for her birthday. They'd be perfect for summer, if we ever get a summer here.

Of course, then we moved, and I haven't had the internet for a week and a half. I was under the impression we'd have our broadband hooked up a couple of days after moving, but that's not the case. The old broadband was still hooked up, I think it's being disconnected today, and AOL said they couldn't hook theirs up until the old one was cut off. So, fun times. Anyway, now it's too late to order some in time for granny's birthday, since it's this Friday. So I'll probably get her a gift set from Lush or something.

I am queen of the cop-out gifts, it seems.

Anyway, I need to get some work done so I'll talk to you later.

Love you lots!
Vee xox

This is my new leaf. Watch me turn it over.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Good? Maybe.

This weekend was a shittalicious weekend. I mean I didn't overeat (aside from the bag of popcorn at the cinema on Saturday night, but I haven't had cinema popcorn in over a year and a half and I needed to get it out of my system. And after all the popcorn kernel skin crap that got all up in my gums, I'm kind of getting sick of it already) so it wasn't bad in THAT sense.

But it was bad in the sense that I managed to weigh myself and then nearly dropped dead right there in my bathroom.

I can't even bring myself to type or say it. I'm in denial. But this has forced me to really need to do something about it. I mean, the need has been there for a while but I let myself become complacent. Saying, hey, I've eaten more than I should but it's still less than a "normal person" so it's ok. But it isn't okay.

So, back to basics, baby.

Today has been a good day so far.

For breakfast I brought cereal to work. I found this awesome gadget at Morrison's this weekend that is like two pots that screw together. The bottom one has a gel lining and you put it in the freezer (like those plastic cups you get in summer with gel in it and you freeze it so it keeps your drinks cold?) and you put your milk in it and it keeps your milk cold. The top part you put the cereal into, then screw it on top of the milk part, pop it in a bag and you're good to go. The lid even has a foldy spoon in it. Super handy.

So, I bought some unsweetened soymilk. My aunts spent all last night bitching about how horrible soymilk is and yick. But honestly, I couldn't really tell a difference between that and the semiskimmed/2% they usually buy for cereal. Although, I don't like milk anyway so it all tastes just as nonyummy to me I guess.

So I had:

Half a cup of Special K cereal = Around 60 kcals (I'm going off the guidelines for Red Berries, which is slightly more than the one I bought)

Around 100mls of unsweetened Soymilk = Around 29kcals (I'll need to check the carton and do exact calcs when I get home)

That was breakfast. Then for lunch I just had a fat-free vanilla yogurt for 100 calories.

Total so far? 189. Yay, under 200!

Last night for dinner I had a Weight Watcher's Shepherd's pie. And you know what, it was pretty damn good, and only 220 calories. Which is MUCH better than some of the frozen meals out there. I don't think I've got another at home so it'll either be a salmon-broccoli-wedge-melt (around 290?) or a Slimfast Shake (219). Depending on how I feel when I get home I might actually up the ante a little and just have another 100-kcal yogurt

So... That makes my max at under 500, which is live-with-able. But I'm going to aim for that Yogurt because having sub-300 would just feel amazing.

OH SNAP. I just remembered I picked up some 10-calorie soups! Ignore all of the above, I'm having 10-calorie soup for dinner.

Total: 199 Calories.

Fuck. Yes.

We can do this ladies. Fuck yes we can.

Vee xox

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Long Weekend!

So. Today? Not a good day. Not the worst day ever, but definitely a bad one.

Last night I moved some stuff around in my bedroom and unpacked a couple of boxes, started putting makeup and clothes and things away. The room already looks a ton bigger and I've only taken out three boxes. But anyway, I'm glad progress is finally being made. After work yesterday we had to hit the mall to see the people at the Sky counter set up there to go about signing up for a new package at the new house (the dude there told us just to cancel the old one and sign up at the new house under J's name instead, and we're getting a free Sky plus box, a free standard box for my bedroom, free installation next Wednesday, and our subscription is free for the first 3 months, normally £56, woot) and we didn't get back until after 9 so I was going to just go to bed. After I'd gotten ready to go to bed, I was going to watch an episode of something on my computer and then go to sleep, but at the last minute I had a burst of energy (completely unexpected) so I unpacked instead. Yay!

Of course, today yet again, I was wide awake at 5 and feel like I haven't slept at all. I'm hoping once the treadmill is freed from it's boxed-in corner and I can properly workout, my body will be tired enough to actually sleep through a fucking night. We'll see, but fingers are crossed.

So, I got out some of my old work trousers. And that's where the bad times start.

I bought these trousers probably the first couple of months I lived in England, so we're talking Summer 2004 when I was at my highest weight ever. At the time, they were very tight and I was in fucking denial and refused to buy the next size up. I'm amazed they've lasted, seriously.

Anyway, at the end of 2007 when I broke up with my ex, I had a terribly bad time that did wonders for my figure. I had no appetite and I was being sick every time I ate anything at all - mostly it was entirely involuntary but I will admit that more than once or twice while brushing my teeth in the morning I'd stick the brush back a little further than it needed to go to help matters along. This went on from October until probably May in varying degrees. Between the end of October and Christmas I'd lost 30lbs, just over 2 stone. And I felt amazing. It got to the point where these work trousers were literally falling off. I wasn't skinny by any means, I still weighed around 172lbs, but I was a lot thinner than I had been in years (my weight has been a struggle, always up and down, but usually hovering above 180 since I was 16, which is when it was packed on in the first place). It was to the point where, whenever I walked to the printer from my desk at work, I would have to hold them up, because every step made them shimmy down just a little more.

Eventually I had to buy some a size smaller, and even they were loose. Of course, now they fit okay instead of being loose, not too tight but definitely not how they were (at the time I could fit into the next size down but they were a bit tight and uncomfortable so I had to get the size up, which was just one size down instead of two). It was that "new" pair that split the other night. So last night I got out the older ones, a size bigger.

And they fucking fit the same as the old ones do. I am so fucking depressed because of this, it's unreal. I mean my UK size 18 trousers fit me like my UK size 16s do. How the fuck does that make sense? I know for a fact these trousers are bigger than the other ones, because I purposely bought some that fit tighter.

So I can only assume that I'm even fatter than I thought I was, that the size 16s fit the same as the 18s do because they've been gradually stretched the fuck out by my fat ass.

My mood is completely shit right now and I'm more determined than ever. I will see 175 by the end of summer, so help me God. Ana will help me. She will take my hand and guide me. And she will finally help me to find my smile again.


Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Summer Challenge 2009

I'm a bit late on this one, since the challenge officially started back on May 10th, but so much has been going on I haven't really gotten around to it. I'm not going to make excuses either, and I know I'm gained weight. Probably more than I thought I had. I dread to think what my scale is going to say.

And that's one reason this Challenge is a fantastic idea! Motivation, motivation, motivation. And it's something to be done as a GROUP too.

So, here's my stats:

Age: 23
Current Weight: Last KNOWN weight was 198lbs. I'll update once I know for sure.
Goal Weight Loss: 30lbs
Personal Goal: Do either 30+ minutes on the treadmill or Zumba workout at least 6 nights a week (one night a week allowed off to allow for possible migraine interference). Also to complete Level 1 and half of Level 2 of my computer Japanese course.
Biggest Challenges: Work - avoid the canteen at all costs. Going to Manchester on June 19th and there will probably be eating out involved. So the biggest challenge is going to be forcing myself to keep to the game even when I'm out with friends.
Anything else you want to add: Nothing really at this point. I'm just posting this as a starting point, since I don't think I ever really got around to it yet.

You can join in anytime before June 10th by going HERE

Pic Not Related

I need to stop using lame random internet phrases completely out of context.

What I mean is, this entry is unrelated to the usual subject matter of my blog. Although technically I guess my blog isn't about any one thing in particular, just me... which is predominantly my struggles with food. But I'm digressing. Getting off topic on an off topic post, how much do I rock?

So basically I want to know what your favourite music is! Your favourite bands or artists, your favourite fad-songs of the moment and the old faves you just can't turn away from and keep going back to time and again. I also want your guilty pleasures! What are you embarassed to admit to secretly loving? Or what otherwise unbearable music has wormed its way into your heart?

I ask because, well, music is something I'm passionate about, even though I'm kind of a musictard. I generally have no idea what's out and "hip" now because I don't watch much (if any) TV, and I never listen to the radio. So the music I listen to can tend to just be the same stuff, or new stuff by the same artists. Unless somebody recommends something awesome to me.

So, my favourite bands (along with some of my favourite songs by them), not necessarily in any particular order:

--Muscle Museum, Map of the Problematique, Stockholm Syndrome

--Protege Moi, Nancy Boy, Lady of the Flowers, Post Blue, Infra-Red. They also re-recorded their single Without You I'm Nothing with David Bowie. Bowie wrote a harmony to go with the song and they recorded it together and it's fucking amazing.

AFI (A Fire Inside)
--Summer Shudder, This Time Imperfect, Silver And Cold, Girl's Not Grey, Love Like Winter, Miss Murder

Blaqk Audio
--Stiff Kittens, Snuff on Digital, Bitter For Sweet, (the whole album is phenomenal)

Billy Talent
--Nothing To Lose, Devil In A Midnight Mass, Surrender, Pins And Needles

Death Cab For Cutie
--Summer Skin, Movie Script Ending, Title And Registration, Tiny Vessels

Le Tigre
--DECEPTACON (one of my favourite songs ever), TKO, Hot Topic, Fake French, I'm So Excited (cover of the "classic" song)

Marilyn Manson
--The Nobodies, Heart-Shaped Glasses, We're From America, Leave A Scar, Sweet Dreams, This Is The New Shit

Green Day
--Good Riddance, American Idiot, Hitchin' A Ride, Brain Stew, Boulevard Of Broken Dreams, Wake Me Up When September Ends

Martin Grech
--Open Heart Zoo (if you're a fan of Tim Burton movie soundtracks / Danny Elfman's music, listen to this), Here It Comes, Erosion & Regeneration

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
--Maps, Gold Lion, Black Tongue, Tick

Michael Jackson (I was obsessed with him when I was a kid and it wouldn't be fair not to include him in this list. Let's face it, he might be a total whack-job, but the man is fucking legendary)

My Guilty Pleasures:

Savage Garden - Another band I was obsessed with in my teens. In fact, I'm pretty sure their second album Affirmation was the first CD I ever bought (purchased at the same time as I bought the Sailor Moon Series 1 Soundtrack, haha)

J-Pop - Yeah. Sugary Japanese pop music aimed primarily at kids. I can't help it, it's catchy and it's cute, and they're all gorgeous and skinny. Particular groups of note: Mini Moni, W (two members of Mini Moni), Yaguchi Mari (Ex-Leader of Mini Moni). I swear to god. Youtube any song by Mini Moni and you will be ready to have me committed. My current favourite is the song "Samidare Koi Uta" by the band W (Double You). Honestly, youtube it right now. I'm already wincing in anticipation.

Hanson - Not old-school MmmBop Hanson (I bet I've just ruined your day by even mentioning that song). A few years ago they came out with an album called This Time Around, where they were trying to put off a more rock-and-roll persona and taking themselves very seriously. At the time I was in either Junior High or High School and I was in LOVE with Taylor Hanson. I still get a couple of the songs stuck in my head every so often now. Songs of note are A Song To Sing and Save Me

Danny Elfman - You might not know that you know who Danny Elfman is, but if you've ever seen a movie by Tim Burton (such as Edward Scissorhands or Sweeney Todd) you've heard his work. Danny Elfman is a composer who does the soundtracks to I think EVERY Tim Burton movie (Yes, including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). He also did the theme song for The Simpsons. Yep. Anyway, I'm completely in love with his style. It's so eerie and dark and beautiful at the same time. His music completely MADE The Nightmare Before Christmas, in my opinion. This isn't really a GUILTY pleasure since it's general knowledge that I love Danny Elfman and Tim Burton, but it didn't really fit under Favourite Bands, either. I've got the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack on my iPod and listened to the whole thing on the bus this morning. And it put such a smile on my face, I bet the other people thought I was listening to prank phone calls or animal porn.

This has also reminded me that I'll be putting a playlist around somewhere. I don't really have any thinspo songs like a lot of you girls do, so it'll just be music that is close to my heart and that I want to share with you =].


Last night I received the final bit of motivation I needed to get back on track fully.

After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.

Embarassing and pissed-off-making.

I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.

But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.

So, that was that.

Today my meal plan is as follows:

1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch

At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]

If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.

The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.

I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.

Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.

Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.

Did I mention I fucking hate moving?

But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.

And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.

Exercise! YAAAAAY!

Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty

I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.

But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.

Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!

Oh also, more excitedness!

Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!

Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.

I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)

Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox