Contemplating Change

After all the time I've bitched about my job, especially the stress that's been added lately, it's clearly past time to make a change. I've accepted the fact that the next month or monthS will be spent applying for a thousand jobs that pay barely more than half what I'm bringing home now, going on interviews or never hearing back before I finally found something. I'm resigned to the fact that the only other alternative is hating my job and letting it make me near-suicidally depressed in my home life too.

But, I've been thinking about alternatives. One of the dudes who works in my old team told me last week that he's leaving. He's going back to university (he already has a degree which he has never and will never use) and is going to work for his dad in the meantime. We had a very brief email exchange at work early last week, and it's gotten me thinking.

I told him that, if there was something that really interested me, I would go to university. That the only reason I'm not at school right now is that I don't know "what I want to be when I grow up."

But, is that entirely true?

I told my aunts ages ago that I was looking into Japanese Studies courses. I'm fascinated by Japanese culture and want to learn the language badly. But at the time the only means of studying not-on-my-own was a £660/week private tutor. That's more than half the money I'm bringing home right now, whatthefuck. So I put it off.

But tonight whilst randomly searching the internet, I stumbled across a website for a school in Japan that will sponsor foreign students for a 2 year student Visa to live and study Japanese at their school.

And then I happened to discover that one of our two Universities right here in the city - the same University, in fact, that I applied to two years ago and would have been accepted and offered a place at had I attended the open day and not withdrawn my application - does, in fact, have a Japanese Studies course. In fact, it has several combined courses, ranging from Japanese Studies with *insert other language here* to more practical applications like business classes.

I find myself sitting here seriously considering my options. Just a couple of weeks ago, my aunt asked me if I didn't want to be studying right now. She said "Now's the time to do it, while you're living with family and don't have a mortgage or anything to pay for."

Regardless of which school I applied to, if I were accepted the school tuition/facility/etc fees would be between £10,000-15,000. (A two year course at the school in Tokyo is around £10,000 plus room and board and money to spend, and the one here is a 4-year-course-with-one-year-study-in-Japan and the tuition is £3,225 a year)

If I had money lying around I would do it. As it is, I'm terrified that I'll apply and get rejected. Or that I'll apply, get accepted, be declined for bursaries because they're decided on your "household income" and J is on the same wage I am right now, and my aunt is bringing in ten grand a year more than either of us. Or that I'll get accepted and wind up not getting approved for student loans because of my nearly £5,000 of credit card debt (although my credit can't be THAT bad since my bank randomly appear to have increased my credit limit by £1,400 two weeks ago).

I think what this boils down to is fear.

Fear of independence.
Fear of being out in the world on my own.
Fear of failure.
Fear of change.

Just fear in all its forms.

But more and more lately I've been thinking that this is something I really want to do. I want to become fluent in the Japanese language, I want to learn its history and all about its culture and its people. And more recently I've been thinking that, one day I would really actually love to LIVE there.

But I'm also scared that this is a phase. It's something that I've been very into for the past year, but what if suddenly I wake up and it's just a passing fancy? Like every other fucking hobby or interest I've had in my life. Even my writing - the book I wanted so badly to get published before I'm 30... Well, it's still an ambition I have but I haven't written more than a several-page generic email in the past God only knows how long.

I don't want to take a risk and make a jump and wind up wasting it and regretting it.

But maybe this is fate, if you believe in fate. I've finally found something that - right now at least - I really, really want to do. And in the same breath I'm thrust into a position at work that I would almost rather cease to exist at all than remain in. I'm basically being forced out of the career I've had for the past four years, and my choices at this point are find another full time admin job, or get something part-time and go to fucking school already.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't make big decisions on my own, yet at the same time I'm the only one who CAN make this decision for me. Even my decision to move halfway around the world was made completely on impulse - an impulse I haven't regretted, mind, but impulse all the same.

Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe what I need to do is just... leap. Jump into the unknown, and if it falls apart, I'm no worse off (except a little older and more in debt.)

Fuck me. I don't know what to do.

Gross but Good (warning: talk of poop)

My stomach has been ridiculously upset the past several days. I think it's a mixture of anxiety and that I may be coming down with a bug. But I'm kind of glad. Example: dinner tonight, I had a mouthful of rice and a couple tablespoons worth of mashed potatoes, and then a couple scoops of ice cream. Luckily it was all pretty rank so I didn't finish what I did put on my plate. Not twenty minutes later I had rather explosive diarrhoea, and everything I ate was flushed completely out of me (that was apparent by the whole undigested pieces of coconut from the ice cream that was visible... after). Honestly I'm surprised my family hasn't noticed the amount I've been eating... I've been taking a small amount of food to start with, then eating less than half and leaving it. I've been expecting comments, but nobody's said a thing, so I'm not sure they've noticed.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I've got mixed feelings. I'm looking forward to seeing my kitties and catching up with S and L, and most of all sleeping in my own bed. And of course, having more control over the food that I'm eating, since right now everything is catered and there's not a huge variety. Rice and various fish-cooked-in-some-manner-of-sauce, vegetables and meats coated in sauces and gravies. Ugh, my stomach is squirming just thinking about it. Once I get home I can settle back into my own routines, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I think at this point I'm going to start ABC on New Year's Day. I'll restrict before then but plunge right back in at the start of the new year. It seems like a nice way to start the year - after all, they say that however New Year's Day goes, sets the precident for the rest of the year. Anybody with me? =]

Thank you all for your comments on my Exercise Tips, that's a great idea. I've already "obtained" a few Yoga DVDs that I'm going to burn when I get home.

But I've got another question for you: Pro Ana bracelets. I want one. I have for a while, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm having trouble finding something I really like. I mean I found one, but since I apparently have expensive tastes, it's a silver Tiffany & Co bangle with a red enamel inlay. Gorgeous, but somewhere in the region of £300.

I'd love to make my own but I'm tres uncreative and tend not to finish creative projects that I start. Which is bad, but whatever. I started making one in different shades of red and black thread, Friendship-Bracelet style, but I didn't like it so I stopped making it..

So the question is, do you have one? If so, where did you get it?

Thanks again, I hope you're all doing well and had a great weekend.

Vee xox

Tips Please?

What are your favourite / the best ways to exercise at home with minimal (read: basically none unless improvised from household objects) or no equipment?

Help??

So, this weekend (or possibly next) I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with my good friend S.

S used to be anorexic, and says she's still very aware of the feelings toward food, but that she pushes through and ignores them. That said, she's tiny and makes me feel like a huuuge whale when I'm around her - she's about 5'3" and a UK size 10 (a US 6?) - and is constantly saying she wants to lose weight. She used to weigh 6 and a half stone, which is around 90lbs, and laments the loss of her skinny days. Although even now she only weighs around 120ish. So I wouldn't necessarily say that she's completely recovered, but that she tries to eat normally so that her fiancee and her family won't worry (apparently if she's out all day and doesn't eat at home, her grandmother will have a go and automatically assume she hasn't eaten while she's out, or makes a deal if S doesn't eat everything put on her plate at mealtimes, even though her grandmother really packs it on etc). So, all of that is to say that I don't think she's completely "recovered" but that she loves her some sweet food and eating out in new restaurants.

Anyway. S doesn't know about my issues... She knows I'm trying to lose weight and "behave myself" and whatever, but whenever we go out to eat (which is once or twice a month after shopping or something) it's usually to somewhere "bad". Last time was to Chiquito, a Mexican restaurant here, where about the healthiest thing on the menu was the pork enchiladas with Mexican rice. I didn't gain, but it wasn't great either.

So, upon deciding where to go next, I told her that I wanted to go somewhere a bit healthier this time, and she agreed. But then we couldn't think of anywhere. Buuut then she said if we go for spicy food, it's not so bad - since spicy food increases your metabolic rate for up to 3 hours after you've eaten (or so I've read in a few places). So, I agreed, figuring spicy food is good and I can try to find something lower in calories as well.

Now, we're planning to go to this Indian restaurant in town, that I've heard is really nice. My only problem is that my ONLY experience with Indian food to date has been chicken korma, which I know is very bad.

So, I guess what I'm asking for here is advice. What is something healthier that I'll be able to order? Some manner of Indian food that has less fat/calories, and is "safer" than a korma and rice? I want to have some ideas in mind, otherwise I'll get there and start panicking =/

Thanks for your advice loves

Vee xox

PS: their menus are HERE if that helps

Advice Time v2.0

I want to get a pedometer/step counter. But I'm torn between two.

Do I get the standard everyday one that calculates steps, distance, and calories, and switches into "Aerobic mode" once you've been walking a decent speed for more than 10 minutes (I think that's for more accurate calorie counting)? (£11)

Or the better model that does the above and also calculates your metabolism and has an exercise mode that calculates intensity in METs, records your exercise "units" (the equivalent of one MET-hour = 1 Exercise unit) and gives you a weekly goal of 21 exercise units, and keeps track of your progress toward the goals (£22)

Which would you go for?

Poll!

Hey guys

So, I have a migraine and have just spent the past 15 minutes being sick. My throat is raw and I feel like ass. I'm completely exhausted and passed out for 20 minutes while trying to watch a movie on TV and felt so disoriented when I woke up. And it wasn't until I woke up that I thought, woah, I am going to be sick. Ughhh, my throat!

And only 10 more hours until I have to leave for work. Awesome.

Anyway, this is really just a quick post before I go curl up and die somewhere, to say that I've put a poll in the sidebar. As soon as I move, and everything is organized in my room, I am buying some manner of fucking work out equipment. Problem is, I'm torn. Bike? Elliptical? Treadmill? Dumbells? I mean I'll probably get the weights as well as the cardio equipment but I wanted another option and couldn't think of anything else.

So, vote in the poll and tell me what you think. Feel free to post a comment if you prefer something not on the list, or to elaborate on why you prefer that particular piece of equipment (more versatile, burns more calories, better cario, whatever).

Thanks for your help =]

Goodnight and sweet dreams darlings.

Xoxo
Vee

Laptop Advice?

So. I'm bored and looking at laptops online. But I am also indecisive so I want your advice, ladies.

I want to get a laptop toward the end of the year, which means I'm going to spend the next six months researching laptops, probably. All the same, I'd like your input as to what YOU would get if you could / what you have and why you love it.

I'm currently debateing between:

A white MacBook, even though I have never used a Mac computer in my life (not counting junior high because I do not even remember those computers). The pluses? It's SO PRETTY. I've heard good things about them and did I mention they're gorgeous? And have a great built-in webcam which is good.

A Dell of some description, maybe their new one that comes in six colours. The plus here is that it is cheaper.

Maybe a Sony Vaio? I do not know.

Which should I go for? Ignore the fact that I'm not buying RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I still like to make my decisions before I spend half a year second-guessing them =]