Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Bring on the Weekend!

Last night failed. I was so fucking exhausted that I burst into tears when my aunt slammed the bathroom door and woke me up for the third time. (We have very thin walls and the bathroom is attached to my room so, however loud the goddamn thing was at the old house, it’s exponentially worse here. And they both seem to have forgotten how to turn the handle to stop the click-bang-walltremble since we moved). I was so damned exhausted and every time I’d just dozed off they woke me up. Rage!

Anyway I finally managed to get to sleep and woke up feeling like a zombie. Saw some chick on the bus who DEEPLY OFFENDED ME. Hah, she had on this foundation that was at least 5 shades too dark for her and wasn’t blended at all and it looked like she’d smeared terra-cotta coloured mud all over her face. It caused me physical pain to look at.

Got into work 25 minutes late (luckily my manager didn’t care), but I have to stay an hour later than usual tonight. I hate Wednesdays, I always have to work an extra hour on Wednesday.

BUT on the upside, I managed to book tomorrow off work which means I now have a FIVE day weekend to look forward to. Which is a little bit epic. And even better, it means that to make up the hours I’m going to have to work through lunch four out of five days a week for the next several weeks, which means I’m free to sit at my desk and have nothing but my allocated yogurt – the girls I lunch with always make a huge deal about how little I’m eating, even though they’re all skinny bitches who can eat what they want yet still look like Ana’s dream (one in particular, who I kind of hate, but more because she’s irritating as hell than her magic metabolism).

Then, I got a call this morning from some company trying to trace a client’s pension, and nobody else she spoke to could find it and our tracing department were supposed to look into her but never called her back. So I Got her to fax me what limited details she had (a pension scheme reference that I don’t have access to and a letter we sent back in 2007 that had NO policy info on it). And I managed to find the team that deal with it and it is all good now, huzzah. So I’m feeling a little bit smug that my detective abilities have sorted this out.

It’s 11:30, which means I have another 5 and a half hours at work, but since I’ve got five days off to look forward to, it’s all good. Going food shopping tonight which means I can start this yogurt diet asap, and my aunts are going to the caravan tomorrow night until Monday, so I can eat (or rather, not eat) all I want – save for Sunday, since apparently my grandpa is picking me up and I’m going to theirs for a roast dinner. Luckily granny makes a LOAD of veggies so I’ll eat lots of them instead of the meat.

I had something I really wanted to write about, and lots more than this to say. But just as I started typing the first paragraph my phone rang and I had to deal with some woman who isn’t all that bright. So I can’t remember. More later if it comes back to me =]

Monday, 29 March 2010

Daddy Issues

God. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had half a minute to sit down and listen to myself think.

I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.

After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.

I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.

He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.

He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.

He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.

I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.

I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.

For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.


Wow, sorry I haven't had the time to update my blog =/ I am still here, things have just been hectic and insane, and I'm feeling completely bipolar right now. I'm going straight from feeling deeply, horribly depressed, to feeling absolutely great. It's probably the lack of real food, since my descent into restriction has been going pretty well. I'm making a point of not weighing myself right now though, because I want to concentrate on restricting numbers and not scale numbers, lest I obsess to much and just depress myself even more.

But, there's a bit of a change of plan. My 40 day plan isn't going to be going ahead right now, I'm changing it up instead. My aunt is, once again, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, but on the weekend she mentioned that she's going to do the milk-and-yogurt diet that she did presurgery to see if she can lose some damn weight. So I said, I'd do it with her, but supplement a Slimfast shake in, since I physically cannot stomach drinking milk, and she was completely fine with it.

The actual diet calls for 2 fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk a day, and nothing else aside from whatever sugarfree beverages you want - ie: water and diet pop and not much else. So to begin with I said I'd do it with 2 yogurts and 3 Slim-fast shakes (I had no intention of actually having 3 shakes in a day, but have to "keep up appearances") and my aunt actually said "I don't think you even need three, one or two is fine). So, okay. I'm in.

Essentially, this means that the calories will be around 500 ish a day, and there will be NO solid food involved. The diet is to last ten days, at which point I'm going to try to get in a "fast" day (with the ever watchful women in the house, this seems harder and harder, so I'm looking forward to their two weeks away in May), and then I'll decide what to do from there. I still want to do 2468, but I might see if I can get away with doing the 10 day milk-yogurt diet again without drawing TOO much suspicion. I mean hey, her surgeon even said "normal people" - those who aren't undergoing weight loss surgery - can do the diet for the results. So I mean, a doctor has basically said it's totally fine and even healthy to do this. Which makes it seem bizarre, like it's cheating, even though at 500 calories a day, it is still classified as a Starvation Diet. And one without any solid food at all.

I know, I keep changing my plan, but with my family being so effing watchful I have to be careful and do what I can. At least with this diet my aunt seems totally down for me doing it with her, so it's a step. I just need to go shopping tonight or tomorrow for supplies. Until I get a stock of yogurts and SlimFast drinks, I'm going to be on low-calorie soups for all of my meals. 10 calorie soup for lunch. 100 calorie cup soup for dinner.

I find it retarded though, that if I were to have cup soups or something I'd get told I'm not eating enough, yet it's perfectly fine to have a SlimFast and two yogurts and nothing else.

Whatever. More later, I need to tell you about my night out on Friday. I thought it was gonna suck but it was awesome in the end, which is probably why I've been in such a great, upbeat mood all weekend. =]

Stay beautiful my lovelies!
Vee xox

Friday, 19 March 2010


Yesterday was a success.

In that, I stayed under the 1300. Although, to be totally honest, I wanted to stay further below. As it is, I had a 6 calorie buffer between Calories Allowed and Calories Consumed.

Actually, I think that the actual calories is lower. Because I used the calorie content for Saltine crackers when I calculated everything, but when I got home and checked the calories on the Saltine-like crackers I actually ate, there was a huge difference (the ones I ate were a lot lower yay). But now that I’m updating my spreadsheet – yes, I am THAT organized – I can’t remember the actual content, so I’m going to go with the Saltine ones and know that it’s a bit of an overestimation.

Yesterday I had a 94 calorie yogurt for breakfast.

Lunch consisted of cheese and crackers. As did dinner. Together Lunch and Dinner are just under 1200 calories. So under 1300 for the day =]

Today’s plan is as follows:

Breakfast: Yogurt – 97 calories
Lunch: French Onion cup soup – 95 Calories (these are AMAZING)
Snack: Yogurt – 94 calories
Dinner: Soup – <400

I can’t remember which kinds of soup I have at home, but I do remember that when I bought them I ensured that they all had under 400 calories. So, score.

Total will then be under 686, with a daily allowance of 1200. This number makes me feel good and positive. And it still seems like a decent amount of food. Having two yogurts and instant soup for lunch doesn’t feel like restricting at all, but the calorie count is still decent.

I’ve got a load of really crappy work to do (some idiot set up a couple of pensions wrong last summer and I’ve now got to fix it and call the financial adviser to tell them I’ve fixed it, and she’s likely going to bitch me the fuck out because she was NOT happy about it yesterday…) so I’ll update later when I’ve got another free minute or eight.

Stay beautiful!
Vee xox

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Action Plan

So I’ve got a new plan, to help get me into the swing of things.

I saw somebody mention a Staircase Diet somewhere. I can’t remember where for the life of me, but when I saw it, I thought it would be a good way to ease myself back into restricting, and the varying calories will be great for the metabolism. So I took the basic idea and turned it into a 40 day plan.

Basically it involves starting on 1300 calories and reducing your intake by 100 each day until you hit 0 – fast day – and then work your way back up again. The one that I saw was more varied on the “upswing” but I’ve modified it to make it easier to remember, if nothing else.

What I plan on doing is start on my 1300 today, work down, have a fast day, work back up, have a fast day, and then work back down to 100. This constitutes the 40 day plan. After this, I’ll have another fast day, and then start on the 2-4-6-8 diet. I haven’t yet incorporated any definite fast days into that yet, but I’ll modify the plan later. 2-4-6-8 will last until May 9th. May 10th and 11th I will fast, and 12th I have allocated myself 1000 calories. Because it’s my birthday and I’ll probably be going to lunch with my grandparents or my best friend. If I can fast for the two days before this, I’ll be able to have a “free pass” for my birthday without too much guilt. It should be fairly easy to fast during this time, because my aunts will be away in Spain for the two weeks around my birthday, so there’s nobody around to “keep and eye on me.”

After this, I’m not sure where to go, but for now I’m going to stick to this plan and hopefully it’ll give me the results I need.

I realize that 1300 calories is high, but I’m not aiming to eat exactly the number of calories allowed for each day, that’s just the upper cap. And because my eating has been so up and down and whatever for the past while, I’m allowing myself a decent variance to wade back in as it were.

SO there you have it! Here are the dates and totals all laid out for you =]

March 18th 1300
March 19th 1200
March 20th 1100
March 21st 1000
March 22nd 900
March 23rd 800
March 24th 700
March 25th 600
March 26th 500
March 27th 400
March 28th 300
March 29th 200
March 30th 100
March 31st 0
April 1st 100
April 2nd 200
April 3rd 300
April 4th 400
April 5th 500
April 6th 600
April 7th 700
April 8th 800
April 9th 900
April 10th 1000
April 11th 1100
April 12th 1200
April 13th 1300
April 14th 0
April 15th 1200
April 16th 1100
April 17th 1000
April 18th 900
April 19th 800
April 20th 700
April 21st 600
April 22nd 500
April 23rd 400
April 24th 300
April 25th 200
April 26th 100
April 27th 0
April 28th 200
April 29th 400
April 30th 600
May 1st 800
May 2nd 200
May 3rd 400
May 4th 600
May 5th 800
May 6th 200
May 7th 400
May 8th 600
May 9th 800
May 10th 0
May 11th 0
May 12th 1000

SO, that’s the plan as I see it, from today until my birthday. =] Some of the figures seem too lenient but I just keep reminding myself that it's a starting point to get me into 2468. I'll re-evaluate then.

There’s more drama with my father, but I’ll write about that later..

Until later, stay beautiful my darlings

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

The ball's in my court...

But I'm not even sure whether I want to play.

Can Open. Worms Everywhere.

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.

I just messaged my father back on Facebook.

In case you're not sure what the hell I'm on about, I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 6 years old, when he told my mother he didn't want anything to do with me. Then out of the blue, he sent me a message back in November just saying "Hi. I just joined today and there you are." and nothing else. After much deliberation over how to react – should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I tell him to fuck off? – I sent a completely neutral message back, just saying “I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you.”

Neutral. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, letting him say whatever it is he wants to say, yet holding my own cards to my chest and not reacting either positively or negatively.

He didn’t reply. Which pissed me off but whatever.

For some reason, today I was fucked off more than usual. So, I opened up the old message, and replied to it with the following:

“Wow, I'm so glad you contacted me for this most fulfilling conversation.

If you have something to say to me, then just man up and say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Next time you get the urge to waste my time - say, in another 18 years or so? - do us both a favour and don't bother.

I can't believe I actually thought maybe you had some kind of interest, but hey I guess that's my bad. I accepted a hell of a long time ago that I'll never have a father, that the word "dad" might as well be a word from a foreign language that I'll never use, so feel free to go back to pretending you don't have a daughter.

-[my real name]”

I wasn’t expecting anything back, but immediately he sent a new message as response. What did it say?

“You are right”

That is it. You are right. I know I’m fucking right.

So rather than just leaving things as they are, I have to go and open that can of worms even further by demanding to know “So, what do you want from me? Why bother messaging me in the first place?”

The truth is, I don’t know if I even care. I’m so out of touch with my own emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. To me, it feels like nothing. But any normal person would be feeling something. Wonder. Trepidation. Anger. Upset. But all I feel is a mixture of nothing, and being fucked off at being fobbed off. I’m not anxious as to what his answer might be. I don’t know if I’m even curious, I’m just pissed off at his non response.

He hasn’t replied yet, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t. I don’t need another asshole loser non-father in my life. I have more than my share in my mother’s husband. I wish I hadn’t bothered answering him to begin with.

It was like trying to punch someone in the face for being a jerk, but then slipping on the backswing and banging your own head against the ground.


After the string of previous posts on here, I’m pretty sure none of this is going to come as a surprise to you, and you’ve probably already guessed, but the whole reason I was away for so long was because of how depressed I was.

Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.

Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.

I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.

So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.

But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.

That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.

What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.

Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.

So here I am.

Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.

I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.

This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.

And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.

I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.

Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.

Monday, 15 March 2010

I'm Back

And good lord how I've missed you.