Wednesday, 30 December 2009


Just a short, super quick post while I’m sitting at work waiting for calls and for my manager to announce they’re letting people go early today. My rant will come, oh yes it will. But the short version of the story is that I had to work til my usual time yesterday, while my manager took off at 2. Grr.

Anyway, I wanted to reply to a couple recent comments. I was going to do ALL of the comments I got lately but I’ve replied to some over on your blogs, and it seems like a lot of effort to go through now. So, if I haven’t already replied to your comments, I’ll do so in my own comments section k?

I want to get back to replying to comments here, to make sure y’all see them, so here’s the most recent edition =]

Ana’s Girl: Yeah, the thing is I’m having trouble coming up with rewards lol. There are so many things I want but I don’t want to OVERspend, so I think I’m going to have to set aside money specifically for decent rewards, or else I’ll just wind up spending it on something stupid I don’t need haha. I’m starting the new year off with ABC so Day 1 will be Friday Jan 1st =] You’re more than welcome to join me! I’m actually really looking forward to having a strict plan to follow again, I wish the new year would just hurry up and get here already.

Dot: Yay, I’m so glad you’re back Dot! I’ve missed your blog! I am really seriously excited about studying Japanese, and the year’s study over there seems too good to be true. I wish I could do it now but there’s not enough time to get everything together, but I’m really looking forward to it. I just need to settle on a course now. There’s Japanese Studies on its own but then also dual majors that I *might* look into, since another degree would give me an extra step up in Careersville. <3

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

A Quickie Before Bed

So, no weight change again today. Sigh. If this continues to happen next week when I'm back into ABC fully, I'm going to kick my own ass so hard...

Today wasn't too bad for food. I knew we were going out to eat again tonight so I didn't have anything to eat during the day at work. And the interesting thing is that I wasn't hungry either, nor was I craving food. My manager gave me a chocolate selection box that every member of staff got from the company, and I wasn't tempted at all to have one. In fact, the idea of eating chocolate makes me feel a little ill.

Thank the lord and His Noodly Appendages! R-amen!

Anyway. Dinner tonight I got a Cottage pie... It came with chips and veggies but I only have a few chips, no veggies (I hate cooked carrots unless they're cooked until they're almost mooshy, and I despiiiise peas unless they're raw from the pod). Didn't eat all of the cottage pie either. And no dessert. So huzzah!

I think I've decided on a course of action to make this a little less obvious to prying eyes. Maybe not right from the get-go but soon. My aunt's been talking about the milk-and-yogurt diet that she was on before she had her weight loss surgery, and how she might go back on it. Her surgeon told her that "normal people" can do that diet, but supplement the three pints of milk for Slim-fast shakes instead.

Now that's still around 1200 calories a day depending on the shake you get (I think they average around 300kcals each?) which is way too much for me. However, on the PRETENSE of being on this diet I can have nothing for breakfast or lunch at work and get away with publically eating a yogurt and part of a Slimfast shake instead, which is a fairly easy way to get only 250 calories in a day without looking TOO suspicious. The only problem is that it's only supposed to be done for a 10 day stretch and I think my aunt would have something to say about me continuing on this faux diet for longer than that. But if I do it for ten days here and there, she'll think I'm taking in more than I am, and since her surgeon and dietician TOLD HER it is an okay diet for people to follow, she can't have a go at me. In fact, I'm expressed an interest in giving it a try and she's been for it, saying she might do it too.

But my first plan of action is to do ABC. I might bash the two together and use the milk-and-yogurt diet as a way to hit the low calorie restrictions without looking too suspicious but ideally I'd like to be able to stick out the ABC period and then switch to the M.A.Y. diet afterward, which gives me a good two month plan.

Now obviously, I don't think any of us knows anyone who has managed to stick out ABC all the way through to the end, and though I am mostly a cynical realist, I'm trying to be optimistic here. My own negativity will not be my downfall, so rather than expecting to fail at some point in the next several weeks and being okay with that, I'm expecting myself to succeed as far as I possibly can. And I'll do my damndest to make it all the way.

Just think. 60 days of ABC/MAY could equal up to a 60lb weight loss! I mean again that's probably really over optimistic, but just imagine. I think if I managed to lose 60lbs in two months I'd have no motivation whatsoever to ever eat again.

As they say: nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

So, that's my plan of attack for the coming couple of months, taking me to the beginning of March.

Oh, I'm also drawing up a reward system (it goes to show you how my mind works, that rather than typing "reward" my fingers spelled out "retard" the first time and I had to go back and edit that). Rewards and positive reinforcement are good and help you to succeed. The problem is, most of what I want I already cave and buy anyway. Can we say £100+ a month on makeup? Sigh. But there are some things that I'm after that I haven't bought, so I'm going to make a list and stick to it.

Like, no more lipsticks until I've dropped 10lbs.
I'll go get my eyelashes tinted after I've dropped 20.

I've also been toying with the idea of getting false nails. I probably won't because I hate how they destroy your natural nails, and I've heard tales of your nails being RIDICULOUSLY painful once they're taken off because they're so thin and damaged. But damn, they look so nice, and I'm so fed up of how brittle my nails are. They keep peeling and breaking, and lately I've had three tear in a little at the side below the start of the nailbed, and I've had to be careful about trying to peel off the part that's trying to break off without tearing out half my nailbed.

Anyway I'm rambling off on completely unrelated tangents now.

I have another work-bitch but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write that one up tomorrow. Another Tale Of A Selfish Manager. Sigh.

Stay strong, skinnies!

Vee xox

Monday, 28 December 2009

No Change

Weight remains the same. Sigh. Another outing tomorrow night but I don't want to go. As I mentioned before, the place we're going has horrible food anyway so that's a plus - I won't WANT or be TEMPTED to eat anything. Another diet coke, if you please!

I'm super tired so I'm going to go to bed... I'm stressed about going back to work tomorrow and it's making me fidgetey and weird, so I doubt I'll get much, but damnit I need to try. I'm sick of feeling so terrible. I hope my old manager is in tomorrow so I can tell him I'm looking for other work when I go grab the girls for "lunch" (my lunch being half a SlimFast shake). My new manager... I'm going to wait until I've gotten an interview or something. I'm such a retard that I feel bad for looking for other work, as if he's going to take it personally and get upset because I don't want to work for him.

Talk to you tomorrow

Vee xox

Sunday, 27 December 2009



So, I've come to a decision kind of.

I'm definitely going to apply for the Japanese Studies course here. But I'm going to wait until the next application period instead of doing it now. The deadline for this period is in around two weeks, which doesn't give me time to get everything in line and get references from old teachers from my high school back in Canada. And I'd like to be able to go to an open day and speak to people in the department, and won't have the option in the next couple weeks.

However, the timing kind of coincides nicely and gives me some options.

My good buddy S told me before I went away that her department is hiring at the moment. Not on a permanent basis, for a one year contract with the company. It's actually the same company I work for now, but in a different department and a different building. Instead of pensions, which I work in now, she works in Health Care. But anyway. If I apply for one of those jobs and get it, it gives me a year to work and try to save up as much money as I can for when I won't be in full time employment. This should take me up to at least next February - which is when my sister's wedding is over in Canada. Since I'll be working / finishing employment, I don't have to worry about taking two weeks away from school to go over there for it. Then the school term runs from October I believe. Which gives me 7 months, during which time I'm sure I can find something else, or the company may extend my contract for an additional 6 months.

(Note: The comany we work for works that way. When I stopped temping and applied to work for the company directly, I was given a one year contract. Which was then extended by six months and then another six months before I was finally given a permanent contract with the company. The same happened with S when she moved to the HC branch. She was given a four month contract, which was extended for another four months and then they offered her a permanent position. A year to eighteen months is all I need to fill, provided I get into University next year)

This is still something I definitely want to persue, and I'll continue using my own digital aids to try to learn the language as I can in my own time. But the year gives me more time to prepare, more time to save up money that I'll need and pay off my credit card debt so I have a clean slate before I start getting student loans. It gives me a little bit of security in the time leading up to re-entering fulltime education. But it also gives me one year to make sure that this is NOT just a phase and a passing fancy. If I can keep this up for another full year and my interest and passion hasn't faded, then I know I'm making the right decision and going to university for something that is not just a whim, if that makes sense.

So, that's where I stand right now. I think if the application period were a couple of months from now and I had a little more time to prepare, I would go for it, but as it is I only have two weeks and that is not nearly enough time to get everything in order, especially since my case isn't as straightforward as it is for most people who enter University each year. I have the whole difference in the education systems between Canada and England to contend with, and when I last applied I was urged to get my application and information in as early as possible, and to contact the head of admissions in my chosen department to let him know of my circumstances. So January is just too close.

I'm hoping they might have a Spring term that starts though. I think the program I applied for before had two application periods, one for classes starting in October, and one for classes starting in March or April. Which would be ideal, but I can't find any reference to that for the Japanese Studies program. Which, again, is another reason to speak with someone at the University.

That was fairly longwinded, but right now I'm pretty happy with my decision. And even though I'm absolutely fucking dreading going back to work on Tuesday, I feel a little happier now that I've made some plans for the future and have somewhere to set my focus and my gaze. I'm not just staggering blindly through the dark trying to find a job that may someday become a career or figuring out what I want out of life. At least now I've got a plan for the next five years. And since the program includes one year of study in Japan, I'll get to experience living there for the year and will either love it or hate it and decide to move there or come back here. But at least now I feel like I have options. I have a mother fucking FIVE YEAR PLAN.

Contemplating Change

After all the time I've bitched about my job, especially the stress that's been added lately, it's clearly past time to make a change. I've accepted the fact that the next month or monthS will be spent applying for a thousand jobs that pay barely more than half what I'm bringing home now, going on interviews or never hearing back before I finally found something. I'm resigned to the fact that the only other alternative is hating my job and letting it make me near-suicidally depressed in my home life too.

But, I've been thinking about alternatives. One of the dudes who works in my old team told me last week that he's leaving. He's going back to university (he already has a degree which he has never and will never use) and is going to work for his dad in the meantime. We had a very brief email exchange at work early last week, and it's gotten me thinking.

I told him that, if there was something that really interested me, I would go to university. That the only reason I'm not at school right now is that I don't know "what I want to be when I grow up."

But, is that entirely true?

I told my aunts ages ago that I was looking into Japanese Studies courses. I'm fascinated by Japanese culture and want to learn the language badly. But at the time the only means of studying not-on-my-own was a £660/week private tutor. That's more than half the money I'm bringing home right now, whatthefuck. So I put it off.

But tonight whilst randomly searching the internet, I stumbled across a website for a school in Japan that will sponsor foreign students for a 2 year student Visa to live and study Japanese at their school.

And then I happened to discover that one of our two Universities right here in the city - the same University, in fact, that I applied to two years ago and would have been accepted and offered a place at had I attended the open day and not withdrawn my application - does, in fact, have a Japanese Studies course. In fact, it has several combined courses, ranging from Japanese Studies with *insert other language here* to more practical applications like business classes.

I find myself sitting here seriously considering my options. Just a couple of weeks ago, my aunt asked me if I didn't want to be studying right now. She said "Now's the time to do it, while you're living with family and don't have a mortgage or anything to pay for."

Regardless of which school I applied to, if I were accepted the school tuition/facility/etc fees would be between £10,000-15,000. (A two year course at the school in Tokyo is around £10,000 plus room and board and money to spend, and the one here is a 4-year-course-with-one-year-study-in-Japan and the tuition is £3,225 a year)

If I had money lying around I would do it. As it is, I'm terrified that I'll apply and get rejected. Or that I'll apply, get accepted, be declined for bursaries because they're decided on your "household income" and J is on the same wage I am right now, and my aunt is bringing in ten grand a year more than either of us. Or that I'll get accepted and wind up not getting approved for student loans because of my nearly £5,000 of credit card debt (although my credit can't be THAT bad since my bank randomly appear to have increased my credit limit by £1,400 two weeks ago).

I think what this boils down to is fear.

Fear of independence.
Fear of being out in the world on my own.
Fear of failure.
Fear of change.

Just fear in all its forms.

But more and more lately I've been thinking that this is something I really want to do. I want to become fluent in the Japanese language, I want to learn its history and all about its culture and its people. And more recently I've been thinking that, one day I would really actually love to LIVE there.

But I'm also scared that this is a phase. It's something that I've been very into for the past year, but what if suddenly I wake up and it's just a passing fancy? Like every other fucking hobby or interest I've had in my life. Even my writing - the book I wanted so badly to get published before I'm 30... Well, it's still an ambition I have but I haven't written more than a several-page generic email in the past God only knows how long.

I don't want to take a risk and make a jump and wind up wasting it and regretting it.

But maybe this is fate, if you believe in fate. I've finally found something that - right now at least - I really, really want to do. And in the same breath I'm thrust into a position at work that I would almost rather cease to exist at all than remain in. I'm basically being forced out of the career I've had for the past four years, and my choices at this point are find another full time admin job, or get something part-time and go to fucking school already.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't make big decisions on my own, yet at the same time I'm the only one who CAN make this decision for me. Even my decision to move halfway around the world was made completely on impulse - an impulse I haven't regretted, mind, but impulse all the same.

Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe what I need to do is just... leap. Jump into the unknown, and if it falls apart, I'm no worse off (except a little older and more in debt.)

Fuck me. I don't know what to do.

Saturday, 26 December 2009

ED-Friendly Foodblog Update

I know I've been saying I'd do it for like, the past year, but I've finally gotten around to typing out recipes from the Hungry Girl: 200 Under 200 book. Just posted the first one up over at my other blog: Champagne Petals. The recipe is for a 126-calorie cinnamon roll with cream cheese icing =] Nutritional stats are at the top of the post too.

There are other foodlists there, like "foods under 50 calories" and I hope to expand these lists in the near future. I'll also be posting more from this book and other low-cal recipes I happen to find along the way. So, go follow it if you haven't already.

I'm also taking suggestions/submissions, so if you want to contribute your favourite low-cal/"safe" foods, drop me an email at =]

Anyway, more to come soon and I hope you guys will check it out!

Vee xox

A Christmas Miracle?

Somehow I'm down 1.5lbs from yesterday morning.

Of course, I'm still suffering from Upset Stomach Everytime I Eat Or Drink Anything. And my antibiotics are making me feel so nauseous that it would be so so so easy to purge if I wanted to... Aside from the fact that it would render my antibiotics completely useless, I fucking hate purging and have no desire to do so anyway. But still.

So, Christmas roundup!

I got exactly the bracelet I thought I was from my aunts! I would take photos to post here right now, but I'm downloading like eighteen JPop music videos and trying to rip the audio from them so my computer is RIDICULOUSLY slow so it's not happening right this minute! But, it's a silver one with like Mayan faces on each of the circular silver links on it. Not the kind of bracelet I'm after (sigh, again the Tiffany's one. But I think I may have found a knockoff online for $15+shipping!) but it's really nice and a perfect souvenir. Since, I didn't bother to buy souvenirs for myself while I was in Mexico. I bought makeup and perfume and a ring and earrings but nothing that can be considered a souvenir. But I'm digressing, again.

A pair of pretty silver earrings to match the ring/earrings I bought before we left. They have tanzanite, cubic zirconia, and the same blue-green opal that the other jewellery has.

A REALLY soft but very thin (like cotton-t-shirt thin but it feels like fucking cashmere, even though it isn't) scarf from Debenhams from my great aunt. Too cold to switch out my wool scarf right now but it's very nice

A set of mini body-bath products. Lavender and Rose scented shower gels and a lavender body lotion. A white showercap with hot pink polkadots. This was from my aunt and I facepalm'd when I opened it. It's an inside joke that goes back to me as a child, when my grandparents used to have a ton of shower caps around from their various hotel-stays between here and England. And for some reason I used to always wear these shower caps in the bath. And then wondered why my hair still got wet when I laid down in the water. Yeah.

A "magic!" facecloth thing that is in the shape of Nemo (yes, THAT nemo) and when you put it into water it transforms into a cute cloth, I guess.

A box of oreos (which were binged upon since yesterday's entry, I will admit. Luckily, England's "packet of Oreos" isn't a huge thing with eight hundred cookies in it. Instead we're talking a dozen, which is still shitty. But fuck, I'm still down a pound and a half).

Uh, I think that's it. It was a small Christmas this year, but it was still nice. Of course everyone broke the rules and instead of "Secret Santa" and just buying one £30 for one person each, we all bought something for everyone. My granny had my aunt's partner for her SS and she bought me the earrings. I had my granny and bought my aunts both a little Lush box of bath products. My aunt had me and bought my granny and J something. Etc. So, it was a surprise on Christmas morning lol, each of us thought we were the only ones breaking the rules.

Right now, I'm going to continue getting these mp3s ripped so I can finally update my iPod - might I add that I ripped my new GaGa CD the day before I went to Mexico and transferred Four CDs of music to my iPod before we left, but it didn't actually update. So pissed. Now that I'm back it's like Bad Romance overload! And I'm also updating my Chococat 2010 Diary from Wal-Mart in Mexico, to include the ABC calorie limits starting on the 1st of Jan. I'm actually really looking forward to this. If you read my blog from the beginning, you'll see that I did ABC before, way back last year. And I had some decent success with it. Even with taking a week off to get over illness and a couple family meals out, I still managed to drop several pounds in a few weeks. So I'm excited to do it. It feels right, and it's a good way to kick my ass back into shape from the get-go. I'm still restricting as far as I can at the moment, but not as far as I *should* which is why I'm looking forward to having some structure to adhere to =]

Incidentally, if any of you are into Japanese Pop Music - or even if you're not - you should listen to "Hangry & Angry - Angelia." I just heard it for the first time about an hour ago and it was instant love, I've got it stuck hard in my head right now. Try as I might I just can't stop listening to it right now. In fact, I love it so much I'm going to make it easy for you and embed the video here for y'all =]

PS: Am I the only one who is totally fucking in love with Harajuku fashion? I swear to god, when I'm skinny and fabulous I want to move to Japan and be a Harajuku style icon. And maybe teach English on the side so I can AFFORD said fashions.

Friday, 25 December 2009


I joined an online dating site because I was so god damn fed up of being alone and unloved and missed being in a relationship. I've had a ton of messages from interesting parties but I'm too self conscious about what a fucking whale-monster I am that I've declined every invitation to go on a date. So I closed my account instead of agreeing to meet a single one of the many, many cute guys I had messaging me.

No wonder I'm still fucking single.

Merry Christmassss (or insert other holiday or nonholiday you celebrate here)

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Today's Christmas dinner didn't go too badly. Christmas is almost always a cheat day, so I'm trying not to feel guilty but damnit it's hard. I didn't eat too much, and most of it was vegetables (like carrots and brussel sprouts, and is it weird that I fucking LOVE sprouts, when they're cooked til they're soggy and barely need chewing and eaten with a lot of salt and basically no other nutritional value left?), but there were also mashed potatoes, one roast potato piece, one piece of roast parsnip, a little stuffing and a slice and a half of turkey crown. Dessert was ice cream, which only added about 80 calories on top. Everyone else was devouring Christmas pudding with tons of cream and brandy butter and thick ass custard, but just looking at it made me feel ill. Blech.

But. I have to do it all again tomorrow. I can't remember if I blogged about this in the past couple days but it completely slipped my mind today that my granny is doing Christmas dinner tomorrow at her house, since my aunt missed it today. So, we're talking the full works all over again. =/

And then Sunday my aunts and I are going out for a Christmas meal with some mutual friends (H and S2) and they booked this well before we went away but I completely fucking blanked. And then we're supposed to be going out for dinner again at this restaurant near home that I absolutely detest - all it has is fatty foods, even the two salads on the menu have a ton of shit in them, fuck - and I do not remember agreeing to this one but of course I'm obligated to go. I'm not even sure who is going but I think it's my aunt's work folks?

Then Friday is new year's eve and we're going out... New Year's Eve is also H's birthday, so we're supposed to be hitting town. Which means alcohol. Maybe I'll get so drunk on spirits (like, vodka and diet coke) that I'll be hungover for the rest of the weekend and therefore have an excuse to ditch the New Year's Meal Slash Sunday Dinner J is cooking for my grandparents to come over next Sunday? In either case, I'm starting ABC on Jan 1st, so it'll be a 500 day. I can get through a family dinner on a 500 day, I'm sure. And, plus my aunts know full well I'm trying to lose weight.

In fact my aunt actually criticized me over it while we were away. I was telling her I'm going to "start taking dieting very seriously come the new year and need to see how much cash I have so I can rejoin my gym and everything" and being really positive. I wanted to make it clear that I have a set "start date" as it were so come the new year when my aunts are suggesting ordering pizza or hitting McDonald's on the way home from the cinema, I can just say "dude no, I'm losing weight remember? I can't eat that and you know it" - kind of a means to pre-empt their interference with my plans to restart ABC.

But anyway, what she said to me was "Make sure you do because I don't want you to wind up like me. I kept putting it off and making excuses for gaining weight and just never went ahead and lost it and then realized, how the fuck did I Get so fat?"

And I was thinking, thanks for being supportive, fuck. But then I realized, that kind of criticism is EXACTLY what I need right now. Fuck complacency and apathy. Tell me I'm fat and I'll prove you wrong. Granted I haven't shifted the weight I gained in Canada, but it's not like I put on two stone and am trying to justify it. I've been trying to restrict but it's just been IMPOSSIBLE the past while. But at this point it's crystal clear that I'm "dieting" and "cutting back" and "losing weight." If anything else, the fact that I'm Maid of Honour for my sister's wedding in February 2011 is just extra motivation, on top of the fact that my aunt basically called me Fat.

Incidentally, before her surgery she took to nicknaming her belly fat. The top roll is called Ben and the lower stomach fat is Jemimah. While we were in Mexico, I was sitting on our balcony area in possibly the most unflattering pair of hipster jeans that always make my middle look bigger than they are (I packed the wrong pair in my haste =/) and she said "Look! You have a Ben bit too!"

Like, bitch just called me fat AND named my stomach. And expected me to laugh about it.

Fuck this bullshit. I'm upset and pissed off but I'm going to channel this emotion into DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I can't get out of the meals coming up this week, but I *can* make those meals the only things I'm eating for the next several days. I'm going to try to restrict as far as I can on Wed-Thurs-Fri as well. Meaning, I'm planning on trying to fast but with Thursday's alcohol consumption my aunt will probably be on my case to eat something "substantial" before we go out. But hopefully I'll feel so shitty on Friday I won't be able to. That said, Friday is Day One of ABC. And fuckshit,I think I just miscounted my days because I thought above that Sunday is Day 2 but according to that, it's actually Day 3. Whatever, I'll do my best to stick to the calorie restrictions while humoring my family as best I can at dinner.

This post is more random and disjointed than usual and for that I apologise. As I was writing I kept remembering more things and getting more pissed off about them.

So, incidentally, MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I hope you've all had an awesome day and the Family Eating Events haven't been too stressful for you. I'm going to go hate myself, my life, and the people in it now.

Vee xox

(ps: I already mentioned this but it's worth saying again, that I'm on Facebook under Vee Seethrough if you want to add me =] Also, if you want to email correspondence or chat on MSN, drop me a comment here with your address or send me an email to Hope to hear from you soon dolls!)

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Acute Sinusitis

Ugh, so the sinus infection I've had since before my trip to Mexico still hasn't gone away, even though I was taking 1500mg of antibiotics every day for a week. So, I went back to the doctor this morning and she's given me something else to try... Just one pill a day for a week and hopefully this will clear it up. Ugh.

Went into work after and took my first pill (today I take two) and not twenty minutes later I felt really dizzy and nauseous and sick, and had to run to the bathroom. Was nearly sick a billion times but held my shit together, because I didn't want to throw up the damn medicine. But then I went and told my manager I'm not well at all so he let me go home again. I called my grandparents and asked if my grandpa would drive me home if I got the bus/tram to their house, and of course he obliged. But I had to stop off in town on the way to get my grandmother's Christmas present and a box of chocolates to take to my great-aunt and -uncle's house tomorrow. The entire time I was struggling not to be sick and felt absolutely terrible =///

The upside is, the idea of food makes me feel horrendous. I got to my grandmother's house and had half a slice of toast (shared the rest of it with her dog), and hung out a bit before my grandpa brought me home. When I got here I microwaved a pouch of rice and had a single bite of it before throwing it away. I love rice, I have to admit it's a weakness of mine, but today it just disgusted me. Which is for sure a good thing! I've got a ton of chocolate around me in the house right now, but I'm not actually tempted at all to eat it. So I guess in that sense, being sick is a good thing. I don't think it's JUST being sick though...

I feel like I'm just fed up of food in general. That doesn't make any sense does it?

Last night was horrible, I had a really bad headache - sinus headache - that kept me up even though I was super super tired. So I'm kind of glad I had a reason to get out of work. It was ridiculously quiet in there anyway so it's not a big loss. I apologised to my manager because I feel like such a flake, but he was okay about it, told me "you can't help it!" and wished me a merry Christmas and all that.

It's my aunt's birthday (she's 38 today!) so tonight we'll all be going over to my grandma's house again for a couple of hours in the evening. We do this every year, go to granny's house and hang out. Sometimes they used to stay over there for the night too, when I lived there, and then we'd have Christmas there. But not this year. The plan is to get takeout to eat too, usually either Chinese or KFC or something, but I feel terrible and have no desire whatsoever to eat, which is pretty awesome =]

Anyway, Merry Christmas (or whatever other holidays you celibrate (or don't celebrate)) to you all, I'll probably post later tomorrow to update but in any case, have a great one.

Stay Strong,
Vee xox

Monday, 21 December 2009


Today is boring as hell. Checked out of our room around 11, bought some super nice jewellery (a ring and some earrings) from the gift shop at the hotel that I'd been eyeing both here and at various shops since I got here (will post pics later <3)

Since then we've been sitting around in the lobby waiting for our coach to pick us up to take us to the airport. The coach doesn't come until 4:30, it's only 3 now, and we've already been waiting for HOURS. The Travel Folk decided to go for lunch a little under an hour ago, and I had three pieces of the most disgusting tortellini I've ever tasted (which nearly made me sick and was in a nacho cheese sauce. Barf). And then my aunt made me eat two pieces of her super-small club sandwich-on-toast, since she saw me eat three pieces of pasta... nearly made me order desset but I resisted and said my stomach was still feeling upset and I was feeling ill and didn't want to, so got out of that. Breakfast was a couple breakfast sausages and maybe one scrambled egg. Equally gross, and I felt physically sick. I took some French toast with fried bananas for show but didn't have a single bite =]

Really looking forward to starting ABC on New Year's now.

But in the meantime I might actually DIE from the boredom I'm feeling right now. It's 3, but it's another 5+ hours until the flight. And I only have an hour of internet time left, and 3 hours on my laptop battery. I might save it so I can watch a movie at the airport or on the plane.. Siiiigh.

Hope you're all doing okay. Stay strong!

Vee xox


Also... I'm on Facebook (anonymously I mean ;)) You can search and find me as Vee Seethrough. I haven't done much on my account yet, so it's pretty blank and sparse but feel free to look me up if you want to.

And, do any of you want to chat it up on msn or AIM? If you do, drop me a comment here with your details (I'll add you but will delete the comment instead of publishing it so it isn't visible to any old body) and I'll add you =]

See you on the flip-side

Stay strong my beauties!
Vee xox

ps: pokerface, if you read this, I hope you're doing ok and sorry I haven't caught you online in a while. Missing you, boy! I'll try to catch you on msn soon =]

Gross but Good (warning: talk of poop)

My stomach has been ridiculously upset the past several days. I think it's a mixture of anxiety and that I may be coming down with a bug. But I'm kind of glad. Example: dinner tonight, I had a mouthful of rice and a couple tablespoons worth of mashed potatoes, and then a couple scoops of ice cream. Luckily it was all pretty rank so I didn't finish what I did put on my plate. Not twenty minutes later I had rather explosive diarrhoea, and everything I ate was flushed completely out of me (that was apparent by the whole undigested pieces of coconut from the ice cream that was visible... after). Honestly I'm surprised my family hasn't noticed the amount I've been eating... I've been taking a small amount of food to start with, then eating less than half and leaving it. I've been expecting comments, but nobody's said a thing, so I'm not sure they've noticed.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I've got mixed feelings. I'm looking forward to seeing my kitties and catching up with S and L, and most of all sleeping in my own bed. And of course, having more control over the food that I'm eating, since right now everything is catered and there's not a huge variety. Rice and various fish-cooked-in-some-manner-of-sauce, vegetables and meats coated in sauces and gravies. Ugh, my stomach is squirming just thinking about it. Once I get home I can settle back into my own routines, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I think at this point I'm going to start ABC on New Year's Day. I'll restrict before then but plunge right back in at the start of the new year. It seems like a nice way to start the year - after all, they say that however New Year's Day goes, sets the precident for the rest of the year. Anybody with me? =]

Thank you all for your comments on my Exercise Tips, that's a great idea. I've already "obtained" a few Yoga DVDs that I'm going to burn when I get home.

But I've got another question for you: Pro Ana bracelets. I want one. I have for a while, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm having trouble finding something I really like. I mean I found one, but since I apparently have expensive tastes, it's a silver Tiffany & Co bangle with a red enamel inlay. Gorgeous, but somewhere in the region of £300.

I'd love to make my own but I'm tres uncreative and tend not to finish creative projects that I start. Which is bad, but whatever. I started making one in different shades of red and black thread, Friendship-Bracelet style, but I didn't like it so I stopped making it..

So the question is, do you have one? If so, where did you get it?

Thanks again, I hope you're all doing well and had a great weekend.

Vee xox

Sunday, 20 December 2009

RIP: Brittany Murphy

Wow, I'm pretty shocked but apparently Brittany Murphy died this morning from "full cardiac arrest." This has been a bad year for celebrity deaths, it seems.

Brittany was always a big source of Thinspo for me, and I've always been a fan of her as an actress. She was such a crazy bitch, and I loved The Crazy.

I'll probably post my first batch of thinspo pics here in honor of her later.

Saturday, 19 December 2009


Holy Christ, I can't believe how on edge I am lately. I'm even pissing myself off at this point with my random catiness and whiplash inducing mood swings. The smallest things and irritating me and I'm trying not to let it show, but although nobody's said anything to me I'm pretty sure my bitchtasticness is at least a little apparent. And it's all because I'm so fucking stressed out and absolutely DREADING going back to work. I can't even find it in me to enjoy these last couple of days away, because it just feels like a ticking time bomb.

The sooner I find a new job, the better, I think. Which is more stress, but at least it's a means to an end and hopefully a job I don't despise to the point of depression and panic attacks.

Today was a day much like any other. Got up, breakfast with The Vacationers (a tiny scoop of scrambled eggs, two strips of bacon and a couple small breakfast sausages. I dread to even attempt the calorie counts here, fuck), lounging on a sun bed by the pool listening to loud music and reading (The Time-Traveller's Wife, in case anyone is wondering, and I just finished The Bible AKA Wasted). Quick buffet lunch that consisted of exactly six french fries and then some ice cream. Retired to my room to watch episodes of Gossip Girl and catch up - I don't smoke, Gossip Girl is my replacement addiction.

Which brings me to now. Bored and stressed out. All this nervous energy must be good for burning calories though, I'm always moving, fidgeting, I can not physically sit still, which is in turn keeping me awake which is the opposite of awesome but I don't sleep well anyway so it's not a major loss. I feel physically ill all the time right now. And I'm constantly tired, both from the lack of sleep and as a side effect of being so god damn down right now.

The laughable part is how this whole work fiasco has played out. My old manager, my old manager's-manager, my new manager, my new manager's-manager, and every single member of staff in my old team and new team know how much I hate this, how much it's affecting me and how down I am. But nobody cares. It's like I'm being penalized for being good at my job. All they're seeing is my numbers are awesome. The new area needs good numbers. Ergo, I move. But oh my Christ. Agh, I need to scream and punch and preferably stab something. Repeatedly. But I'm getting offtopic.

This whole thing feels like a huge step backwards. I've gone from having the highest work stats and productivity in my old team doing pension admin work... to not knowing a god damn thing. I'm a fish out of water. I'm supposed to be working on a call centre for group pension schemes. Taking calls from financial advisers, scheme administrators, employers, some plan holders. And answering their questions and sorting things out. But, I know absolutely fuck all about group pension schemes. I worked on group schemes when I first started with the company, but I was a glorified mail-girl. I sorted out incoming post for our scheme. I sent out confirmation letters and policy documents and the occasional forms. The scheme I worked on was a very sensitive one that was administered differently to every other scheme the company deals with. I know nothing about what I'm doing.

People call and ask questions and I do not have the slightest fucking clue. I've gone from being the best member of staff in my team, to the new girl who knows nothing. The only advantage I have over hiring a few temps from the agency, is that I know my way around the eight thousand systems we use to keep information and updates et al.

After my first week of training, I went to talk to my old manager and asked if there was any way I could be moved back. He's a great guy and is one of only two managers I've had that I've felt I can really talk to, who cares about his staff as people and not just numbers and stats. (Incidentally, I once worked for my new manager before for a couple of months. At the time, I had a review and he told me I'm great and the work I was doing was fantastic, but I wouldn't be able to get a raise because the document the company used to use to outline the eligibility for a pay rise basically said I'd need to get further training on a wider variety of admin work in order to get one. At the time all of our work was being sent to be processed in India and there was no admin work to train me on. Therefore, it was "sorry but you can't get a raise and it will be very difficult for you to get one in the near future." Fast forward, and this year under two different managers I've had four raises. So I'm not happy to be working him to start with. Fuck.)

Anyway, he said probably not as his hands are pretty much tied, but he'd speak to his manager and see what was what and post it to him hypothetically. A week later he told me that his manager wanted me to give it a couple of weeks and see if it would grow on me. A week, two weeks later I was still miserable, moreso even. So I spoke to him again and he said that his manager still wanted me to try, but he "didn't want it to get to the point where I was thinking about looking for another job." So I was honest and told him that, as things stood at that point, I would be looking for another job after Christmas. So he said he'd put the pressure on his manager and tell him this, as the company doesn't want to lose me altogether.

Then, my last day before coming here to Mexico, I went to say farewell to my old colleagues before heading off, and we spoke again. He said his manager said no, he hadn't been able to get anywhere - but if I was thinking of leaving he would "fight to keep me".

I'm sorry but, is that not what he was doing to begin with?

I'm just so irritated and annoyed and frustrated, it's such bullshit. When I go back I'll tell him point blank I'm applying for other work. I'm not expecting anything to happen, but you never know. Of course, even if they did move me back to where I was before, or even to another administrative area that isn't just callcentre work, it would then count against me next review time because I'm "inflexible" and "can't deal with change." (which is bullshit, in the four years I've worked for that company I've had no less than a dozen different managers. And every single time I've taken it in stride.)

But right now I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I could burst into tears right now, would be quite happy in fact for my plane to crash on the way back from Mexico next week.

Add my food and weight issues on top of that, and I'm basically a walking cocktail for disaster right now.

Sorry for all the ranting, but I need to spill it out because if I don't I'm going to explode in a huge way. My regular blogging will probably be more interspersed with work ranting than usual for the forseeable future - just a heads up.

Love you all, and I hope you're doing well and hitting your goals. And that life in general is going better for you than it is for me right now.

Vee xox

Tips Please?

What are your favourite / the best ways to exercise at home with minimal (read: basically none unless improvised from household objects) or no equipment?

Friday, 18 December 2009

Viva La Mexico

Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.

But anyway. Here's my vast update.

Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.

Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.

When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.

That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.

Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.

I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.

I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.

It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.

So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.

God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.

I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.

Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.

Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.

Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!

Vee xoxoxox