Day One

It’s funny. When my life gets real, or harder than usual, or frustrating, or I get stuck in a rut and don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life, or feel lost and alone and dazed and confused… I want to run here more than anything else. There’s only so much that I can say, a limit to how honest I can be on personal blogs, on Twitter, on Facebook, et al. There’s nobody in my life that I can be completely 100% honest with about my feelings. Even food struggles aside, I’ve been feeling increasingly lost and alone and there’s nobody that I can really vent to, to be honest with, whose shoulder I can cry on unconditionally. This blog, in all its circle of understanding and anonymity, is my safe haven.

And yet, I disappear. For months on end. And even I have no idea why. I have full intentions of blogging daily, whether it be about the ED circle or just about life in general and the struggles I’m having internally on a daily basis. Yet invariably, I don’t. I can tell myself I don’t have the time, or I don’t know what to write, but let’s be honest – those things hardly stop me when I really need or want to write. And I’ve needed and wanted to write for months now but just… haven’t. Apathy maybe? Perhaps I’m basking in my sense of disorientation. I feel I don’t deserve the support that I know I will get here.

I guess this is all to say, I’m back, and it’s far later than it should have been. To kick off the blog again, I’m going to attempt to throw myself into ABC again. With all the other bullshit-and-absolutely-nothing going on in my life, concentrating so heavily on this one little 50 day goal might help me keep my head above water. I need something to provide me with focus, and god knows nothing else in my life is providing it.

So far today has been a good day. I have two thirds of a pot of porridge this morning (which, might I say, was disgusting. I hate the texture of that stuff) to total me approximately 140 calories. Day one is 500, so I have an even 360 to last me the rest of the day. Honestly though I don’t even want to eat anything. I’m not hungry, physically or craving in my mind.

All I want to do is go home, climb into bed with my purring kitten, and be dead to the world for twelve hours, until I’m forced to get up and do it all over again. The blanket of despair and self-hatred that covers me at this time is thicker than it has been in a long, long while. It’s all the better for hibernating against the cold snap that’s hit England lately. And hibernating I have been. And in all likelihood, will continue to do. Until I can snap myself out of this deep depression enough to give a shit about anything in my life again, anyway.

We shall see.

Love you all.

V

PS

Oh also. I've been stressing myself out even more than usual lately. A large part of me wants to move back to Canada. I miss *everything* and constantly I find myself pining to be there. I've even been online looking for cheap basement suite apartments and seeing if there are any vacancies in my hometown within the company I currently work for, so I could just move internally rather than starting a whole new job hunt. (unfortunately that won't happen as the branch we have in my hometown is in a different job/area of the business from the one I work in now, and they require a college degree and/or 2 years experience in the particular field for the job - neither of which I have)

But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.

Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.

The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.

Basically I fail at blogging

Yeah.

So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.

Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.

Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.

Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.

But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).

My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.

One can hope.

Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.

Whatever.

I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.

All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.

Vee xox

Meelodramatic? Maybe

Of all the things I have done in my life, this is by far the hardest.

I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.

Eeeugh

I actually feel sick now. Jesus Christ. I'm maybe a quarter to a third of the way through the bottle.

Crap

...Now I want quorn chilli and rice.

But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.

Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!

ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.

Bottom's Up

I just made the most disgusting looking concoction of ice cold water, lemon juice, ground cinnamon, cayenne and hot chilli powder – to boost my metabolism. And now I’m going to make myself drink it.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.

Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.

This had SO better be worth it.

Srsly

So basically, I fail at blogging. Even more than I fail at life. Who knew?

Twenty Eleven

5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.

I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.

On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.

Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.

So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.

This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.

Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.

So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.

Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.

I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?

Whatever.

Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.

Vee xox

A New Alli

So. I'll do a major catchup post once I figure out where I'm keeping my blog. So far it seems likely that I'll be staying here but we'll see.

In the meantime, I went to my doctor's office today to have a word with the nurse about weight loss. She weighed me and I'm down about half a pound from when the doctor weighed me on Monday when I went in for some test results, which the nurse said was really good because the scales in the doctor's office tend to weigh lighter than the ones she uses, so I've lost more than what's registered on that. So, yay I guess.

Long story short, I'm going to be taking Orlistat (the prescription drug that's in the over-the-counter drug Alli). She actually asked if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. She told me I need to lose about 12lbs in the first 3 months, and if I don't then there's no point staying on it. I actually laughed. I can lose 12lbs in one month if I stick to it. I lost 14lbs in two and a half weeks on ABC. And dude.. explosive diarrhoea if I don't stick to it is a pretty damn good motivation to actually stick to it, haha. (I'd been contemplating buying Alli over the counter, but it's wicked expensive so I'm going to save shittons of cash on it as well, which is definitely good.) Actions have consequences and instead of just not losing weight, any negative actions with food will have more dire consequences, so I'll be more likely to keep to my restricting and cut fat out of my diet.

Semi-related but the reason I went to the doctor to begin with wasn't actually anything to do with weight. I don't particularly want anybody monitoring my weight because I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm getting bitched out by my doctor for losing too much too fast (I'm making huge assumptions about my success and will power here but I have to TRY to stay positive, right?).

I went to find out why the fuck I am so goddamn tired and emotional and a basket case but mostly SO TIRED all the time. I can't sleep, when I do sleep I wake up a billion times, and even if I do manage to get a solid few hours without interruption, I still feel just as exhausted as if I'd never gone to bed in the first place. I went in, doctor ordered blood tests and had me fill in a Depression assessment form. My blood tests are completely normal, including thyroid function which I would not have believed because I have the metabolism of a dead snail, and the depression assessment flagged that I am very likely depressed (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?) but she doesn't think I'm depressed so she's not going to do anything about that. Thanks.

I've had so much fucking stress going on lately, I've actually been feeling like I'm losing my mind. I've been so stressed out and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I've been going to sleep actually praying to the gods I'm not even sure I believe in that I'd just go to sleep and never wake up. The important things in my life are all over the goddamn place right now, spiraling out of control. I haven't even been taking care of myself properly. I went six days last week without showering and washing my hair. I felt disgusting, and the worst part is that I didn't even fucking care. This is SO unlike me. I'm someone who is vain even though I have no reason to be. My hair is my pride and glory. And I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.

So much for trying to be positive.

So much has been going on. Once I know what I'm doing with the blog I'll fill you in. Ugh.