A New Alli

So. I'll do a major catchup post once I figure out where I'm keeping my blog. So far it seems likely that I'll be staying here but we'll see.

In the meantime, I went to my doctor's office today to have a word with the nurse about weight loss. She weighed me and I'm down about half a pound from when the doctor weighed me on Monday when I went in for some test results, which the nurse said was really good because the scales in the doctor's office tend to weigh lighter than the ones she uses, so I've lost more than what's registered on that. So, yay I guess.

Long story short, I'm going to be taking Orlistat (the prescription drug that's in the over-the-counter drug Alli). She actually asked if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. She told me I need to lose about 12lbs in the first 3 months, and if I don't then there's no point staying on it. I actually laughed. I can lose 12lbs in one month if I stick to it. I lost 14lbs in two and a half weeks on ABC. And dude.. explosive diarrhoea if I don't stick to it is a pretty damn good motivation to actually stick to it, haha. (I'd been contemplating buying Alli over the counter, but it's wicked expensive so I'm going to save shittons of cash on it as well, which is definitely good.) Actions have consequences and instead of just not losing weight, any negative actions with food will have more dire consequences, so I'll be more likely to keep to my restricting and cut fat out of my diet.

Semi-related but the reason I went to the doctor to begin with wasn't actually anything to do with weight. I don't particularly want anybody monitoring my weight because I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm getting bitched out by my doctor for losing too much too fast (I'm making huge assumptions about my success and will power here but I have to TRY to stay positive, right?).

I went to find out why the fuck I am so goddamn tired and emotional and a basket case but mostly SO TIRED all the time. I can't sleep, when I do sleep I wake up a billion times, and even if I do manage to get a solid few hours without interruption, I still feel just as exhausted as if I'd never gone to bed in the first place. I went in, doctor ordered blood tests and had me fill in a Depression assessment form. My blood tests are completely normal, including thyroid function which I would not have believed because I have the metabolism of a dead snail, and the depression assessment flagged that I am very likely depressed (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?) but she doesn't think I'm depressed so she's not going to do anything about that. Thanks.

I've had so much fucking stress going on lately, I've actually been feeling like I'm losing my mind. I've been so stressed out and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I've been going to sleep actually praying to the gods I'm not even sure I believe in that I'd just go to sleep and never wake up. The important things in my life are all over the goddamn place right now, spiraling out of control. I haven't even been taking care of myself properly. I went six days last week without showering and washing my hair. I felt disgusting, and the worst part is that I didn't even fucking care. This is SO unlike me. I'm someone who is vain even though I have no reason to be. My hair is my pride and glory. And I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.

So much for trying to be positive.

So much has been going on. Once I know what I'm doing with the blog I'll fill you in. Ugh.

New Poll - Help Me Decide

So. I've put a new poll in my sidebar.

Should I keep my blog here or move it to a new one? I've already registered another one in case, but I can't decide what I want to do.

Little help?

An Unnecessary Revelation

Prawn Cocktail pringles taste the same on the way out as they did on the way in.

Starting Over

I tried.

I tried to be normal. I tried to fit in and not obsess.

I tried to be healthy.

It didn't work.

I'm more stressed and more fucked up than ever.

I need this. It needs me.

I'm starting over. From the beginning.

The only question is where.

I'm debating opening a new blog.

This one is full of so much failure and bullshit.

Do I start with a clean slate? Or embrace the past and move forward here?

Fuck it, I have no idea.

If I open a new blog to start over, the link will be here.

I've missed you all, right down to the bones I wish would show.

I can't pay my rent but I'm fuckin' gorgeous

Sigh. New favourite song, and I must share it with you all.

I went to see Lady Gaga on Friday night, and her opening act Semi Precious Weapons were amazing and hilarious and the lead singer is sexy as hell in all his made-up glory. He was also insane thinspo because holy shit the legs on that man went on forever and I'm sure he didn't have an ounce of fat on his body.

Click here to see the video for their self-titled song

I can't stop singing it.

The only problem is that it's not really true for me. I *can* pay my rent, but I'm not fucking gorgeous.

One day.

So anyway, as of yesterday I was down a total of 4.2lbs. Yeah that 4lb loss in a day stretched into like three, and then my friend's barbeque was on Saturday and her boyfriend kept making me sample things. Still, I didn't eat a huge amount and maintained Friday's loss through to yesterday. Which was probably aided by the fact that I had a monster headache all day Saturday (and was running on very little sleep) and wound up heading home after 3 hours, which in turn cut down my alcohol caloric consumption to just one drink (pineapple juice, malibu and peach schnapps - which was amazing and summery by the way).

I didn't have time to weigh in today (rather than leaving at 7:30 as per the norm during the week, I had to get up early to leave just after 6:30, after another sleepless night and therefore dragging myself around like a zombie and almost making myself late over stupid shit like not being able to find the hair elastic I used last night so that I could brush my teeth and wash my face this morning etc) so I have no idea where I stand right now.

Regardless, I have a yogurt in my bag and that is all I'm having until I get home. Whoo!

Also, I went shopping yesterday. I seriously have a problem. Here I am, telling myself that I can't afford to buy new clothes yet, I have to wait until I get paid or possibly until I'm in Canada when I will have money TO spend on whatever I want. Then I went to the mall for the weekend's Starbucks (200 calories worth of skinny mocha frapp), needed to go to Paperchase to buy one thing (a mug to keep at work for my green teas and coffee) and wound up spending about £200. £43 and change in Paperchase. £105 in Claire's on tacky jewellery that I thought was too adorable to pass up, and some nail art decal stickers. Another £48 at Clinique on makeup remover and a night cream. And then £12 on a Harley Davidson mug for my aunt as a present since she wanted it.

So, I could have bought a couple new outfits, rather than fifty pairs of earrings and a calculator with Noodle Bear on it. Although, the earrings are fucking adorable, as are the Noodle Bear stuff I got at Paperchase. The only problem is that I'm deluding myself and making plans that aren't going to happen.

See, I bought this adorable Noodle Bear (srsly, google it, adorable) case with a little fork and spoon in it, again for work. And a set of four plastic lidded nestable bowl things. That I fully intended to start bringing lunch into work in, Japanese style, because predictably I am obsessed with Japanese culture.

But even as I trawled the internet for low-calorie low-fat "Bento" recipes (Bento is the Japanese lunchbox, usually made up of 1/2 carbs, 1/4 veggies and 1/4 meat or protein and the average sized 500ml box made up this way is usually *around* 500 calories) I realized that this isn't realistic. Unless I'm going to fill a bowl with negative calorie fruits and veggies and a tiny pot of fat-free vinaigrette to dip it in, this just isn't something I can really do. Even if I were go out and buy the ingredients and spend the time needed at night to cook and in the morning to assemble everything, I wouldn't really be able to eat it. The only way it would be half way acceptible is if I made it the only meal of the day, but I doubt I could get away with having a "decent" lunch and nothing at home - I would inevitably be forced to make something else to eat in the evening.

So, I don't know. I just don't know.

If only I were one of those people with amazing metabolisms who doesn't gain weight at all regardless of what they eat. Sigh.

ANYWAY, how was your weekend??

Of Flukedom?

I was right when I said that yesterday’s random 4lb drop was a fluke. Today, I’m the same weight, no gains or losses, not even in the decimals. Which I guess makes yesterday’s fluke less of a fluke. 4lbs over 2 days is much more reasonable than 4lbs overnight, right? So hopefully it’ll stick and the loss will continue tomorrow.

Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.

Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.

In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.

Comment Replies!

@Hanz: Thanks honey! We will definitely get through this. I didn’t even realize I’m technically starting fresh from the 1st of the month, but now I’m seeing it as a clean slate haha. Ugh, I knoow. Milk is DISGUSTING. I do not understand how anybody can drink it voluntarily, especially on its own ughhh. =///

@Ana’s Girl: Yay I’ve missed you also, and I’m so glad you’re back to blogging full time yourself! The yogurt diet seems to be going well so far, with the added excuse that it’s weight-loss-surgeon approved so huzzah! And I’ve found it easier to stick to than I thought I would so far =]

@pokerface: Thanks dude! I miss our random chats before you went to Uni and I dropped off the face of the earth haha. I’m looking forward to keeping up with your blog, and you’re right! I can do this. We can both do this!! We’re awesome, amazing people, and all it takes is a little motivation and will power =]

Excerpt from a Lunchtime Conversation

“I just took my rent money out, should we just go blow it on alcohol?”

”Hell yes we should!”

”I’ll be all ‘yeah I just took my drug money out and..’ bahahaha drug money?! What the fuck??”

“That’s what the money’s REALLY for isn’t it? The truth just SLIPS OUT THERE!”

”Nonono, ok seriously. So, I got mugged and they stole my drug money—GOD DAMNIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”

“Hahahahaha”

”No ok seriously, I’m doing this yogurt diet with my aunt and the utter lack of solid food is playing games with my head.”

”Really? I couldn’t not eat. Aw bless, you’re so tired! Can’t you have like, a weight watcher’s meal or something? One meal a day?”

”My one meal a day is the SlimFast, haha.”

”Oh man, I couldn’t do that, if I were on FIRE and I was hungry, I’d have to get something to eat first and then sort out the damage from the flames later.”

”Hahah. Ok so ANYWAY, I’ll say I just took my drug money… AAGHHHHH!”

Random conversation. There’s a JM that I work with and he’s pretty epic. (He's also gorgeous and gay and skinny without even trying and I hate him just a little bit) We just had to go up to Tesco at lunch to get another girl/friend in our team at work a birthday present from our workmates. On the way back, the above conversation happened. And I almost died laughing. For whatever reason, I couldn’t say “rent money” and it kept coming out “drug money” about eight times. And I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, haha. So funny.

So, I’ve told a few friends about this yogurt diet I’m doing with my aunt. It’s funny, actually, because the “diet” itself is sanctioned by a surgeon, even though I’m only taking in between 200-500 calories a day (depending on whether I actually HAVE the slimfast, which I didn’t yesterday), it’s completely okay. My aunt actually suggested I do it with her. Yet earlier in the day she told me not to starve myself to lose weight.

Um, okay.

But yeah… it seems that, as long as something is said to be okay by some manner of medical professional, it’s totally alright and nobody will question that I’m eating nothing but two yogurts a day for days on end. I find that hypocritical, but on the other hand I’m glad about it.

Because right now I don’t actually have to HIDE how little I’m eating. I can be as open as I want to be and admit that I’m craving pineapple in a huge way but can’t have any. I can crack jokes when the girl next to me at work asks me to pass her the biscuit tin, knowing full well I won’t and can’t have a single one. I can be honest about how tired I am and that I’ve got a massive headache from low blood sugar.

But it’s encouraged by weight loss surgeons so it’s okay, don’t worry about me!

You know what though… the absolute BEST part about today (apart from the random 4lb weight loss, which I’m not completely expecting to stick because it’s likely 80% water weight) is that I’m not hungry at all. I’m craving random things, but I’m not giving in, and at least the things I’m craving are healthy things. But I don’t see the point in eating when I’m not hungry anyway, regardless of diets and eating disorders. I’m starving, but I don’t feel hunger. I have no hunger pains. The only negative thing I felt in the abdominal area was tummy ache from the milk products making my stomach upset, and even that’s subsided now.

I’ve had 97 calories and I’m not even hungry!

I am very thirsty though so I’ma go get a drink and get some work done.

Ridin’ the starvation high baby!

Random Thoughts of The Day

ARGH Why do I have cramps?? I haven't had a period in three and a half years!

Oh wait... probably because I've eaten nothing but Dairy for two days. And Dairy hates me. The feelign is mutual.

Woah x2

Today has kind of started off awfully overall, and yet I find myself in a better mood than I should be.

I’ll start with yesterday. Starvation headaches are fail, and yet completely worth it because it kind of tells me that I’m doing something right. Is it sick that I’m filled with a sense of pride when my body is suffering? My head was killing me when I got home from work, so I had my second (and final) yogurt of the day, took 3 paracetimols and went straight to bed. I slept from six to ten, then got up to get ready for bed, took 2 more painkillers and went straight to sleep until my alarm went off at 8 this morning.

I’m still absolutely exhausted. I’m almost always tired anyway, but at least now I can take it as a result of not eating enough, which places a positive spin on it.

Anyway, last night before I went to bed the second time, I asked my aunts what time they were leaving in the morning so I knew what time I had to get up so that I could get a ride down to the main road. J said 6:45, my aunt said 8:30, so I figured I’d go with my aunt and just get into work an hour later than normal. No big deal, since I’ve got to work an hour later tonight anyway, so my hours will still be on target.

So this morning I got up at 8, brushed my teeth and washed my face etc, and weighed myself. I’m down 4lbs from yesterday. Count em. 1, 2, 3, FOUR. Huzzah! I did a little victory dance and headed back to my room to finish getting ready for work, then realized my aunt wasn’t in bed.

Usually my aunt and her partner get up just after me, since I always seem to set my alarm 5 minutes earlier than they do (or my phone’s clock is five minutes faster than their alarm clocks). So I went downstairs to dump some Pepsi Max from last night and my aunt was by the back door. She asked me what time she told me we had to leave, and I said 8:30. And she was like “No, I have to be there by 8:30.”

So, I had to run upstairs and quickly get ready, and I feel naked and fugly as hell because I have next to no makeup on my face (mascara, powder, and some tinted lip butter). Ugh. Managed to get ready in 10 minutes though.

Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted and I’m empty and I have a 94 calorie fat-free yogurt in my bag for lunch in two hours and that is all. I’m feeling positive – at least, I would be if I were awake enough to feel much of anything haha.

And, I logged on here to see I’ve hit 100 followers on my blog. How is that even possible?? I want to say a huge thank you to each and every one of my followers, I love you all and you guys are the whole reason I keep coming back here. <3

So… here’s to Day Two. And many more losses such as this in the foreseeable future.

38

Sorry I haven't been posting, my dears. I keep meaning to, I really do. I miss blogging and commenting on yours. But I've been having difficulty finding the time. Or, indeed, the motivation. I just feel so apathetic all the time. Or at least, when I'm not feeling depressed.

38.

This is the number of days between today and the day I step foot on a plane headed for my hometown in Canada. 38 Days until I see my friends and family for the first time in nearly a year, a good 15-20lbs heavier than I was back then. 38 Days until I call my biological father and make a date to meet up and go for dinner. To see him for the first time in eighteen years.

This is also my deadline. I have to restrict as hard as I possibly can to lose the maximum amount of weight possible. I have to try to make myself blog, even when I can't find it in me to care about myself enough to even wonder if anybody else cares enough to read the drivel I write here.

I can NOT go to Canada at my current weight. Were I to gain 7lbs I would be at the threshold at which I always told myself "if I ever reach this weight, I will kill myself."

The good point I suppose, if there IS any, is that today marks the first day (again) of the previously mentioned Milk And Yogurt diet, which is surgeon-approved, I might add. My aunt and I were talking this weekend and she said she was going to do it again and suggested I do it with her. I can't drink milk, it makes me physically sick, so I won't be drinking the 3 pints of milk. I will have the 2 fat-free yogurts a day, and maybe supplement with a slimfast (or half of one) if my aunt does wind up having a go that I'm not having anything else with the yogurt (she'll be getting additional "calories/nutrients" from the milk she's drinking all day every day).

The bad news is that it's my best friend S's 20th birthday this weekend and she's having a barbeque and copious amounts of alcohol. My only solace is that I tend to lose weight when I've had a lot to drink rather than gain. I know it's only water weight through dehydration from the alcohol, but it's better than nothing. But I'm not giving myself a free pass. I'm setting myself an 800 calorie limit for Saturday.

I feel so, so tired. In part because I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was stressing about work, then freaking myself out over nothing, then got a song stuck in my head that just wouldn't let my body shut down. Woke up this morning aching from head to toe like you do after a massive gym session - or when you're on Day Three of the worst flu of your life.

Also in part because I've eaten less than 200 calories today.

Small successes.

Baby steps.

Bring on the Weekend!

Last night failed. I was so fucking exhausted that I burst into tears when my aunt slammed the bathroom door and woke me up for the third time. (We have very thin walls and the bathroom is attached to my room so, however loud the goddamn thing was at the old house, it’s exponentially worse here. And they both seem to have forgotten how to turn the handle to stop the click-bang-walltremble since we moved). I was so damned exhausted and every time I’d just dozed off they woke me up. Rage!

Anyway I finally managed to get to sleep and woke up feeling like a zombie. Saw some chick on the bus who DEEPLY OFFENDED ME. Hah, she had on this foundation that was at least 5 shades too dark for her and wasn’t blended at all and it looked like she’d smeared terra-cotta coloured mud all over her face. It caused me physical pain to look at.

Got into work 25 minutes late (luckily my manager didn’t care), but I have to stay an hour later than usual tonight. I hate Wednesdays, I always have to work an extra hour on Wednesday.

BUT on the upside, I managed to book tomorrow off work which means I now have a FIVE day weekend to look forward to. Which is a little bit epic. And even better, it means that to make up the hours I’m going to have to work through lunch four out of five days a week for the next several weeks, which means I’m free to sit at my desk and have nothing but my allocated yogurt – the girls I lunch with always make a huge deal about how little I’m eating, even though they’re all skinny bitches who can eat what they want yet still look like Ana’s dream (one in particular, who I kind of hate, but more because she’s irritating as hell than her magic metabolism).

Then, I got a call this morning from some company trying to trace a client’s pension, and nobody else she spoke to could find it and our tracing department were supposed to look into her but never called her back. So I Got her to fax me what limited details she had (a pension scheme reference that I don’t have access to and a letter we sent back in 2007 that had NO policy info on it). And I managed to find the team that deal with it and it is all good now, huzzah. So I’m feeling a little bit smug that my detective abilities have sorted this out.

It’s 11:30, which means I have another 5 and a half hours at work, but since I’ve got five days off to look forward to, it’s all good. Going food shopping tonight which means I can start this yogurt diet asap, and my aunts are going to the caravan tomorrow night until Monday, so I can eat (or rather, not eat) all I want – save for Sunday, since apparently my grandpa is picking me up and I’m going to theirs for a roast dinner. Luckily granny makes a LOAD of veggies so I’ll eat lots of them instead of the meat.

I had something I really wanted to write about, and lots more than this to say. But just as I started typing the first paragraph my phone rang and I had to deal with some woman who isn’t all that bright. So I can’t remember. More later if it comes back to me =]

Daddy Issues

God. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had half a minute to sit down and listen to myself think.

I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.

After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.

I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.

He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.

He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.

He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.

I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.

I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.

For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.

Manic!

Wow, sorry I haven't had the time to update my blog =/ I am still here, things have just been hectic and insane, and I'm feeling completely bipolar right now. I'm going straight from feeling deeply, horribly depressed, to feeling absolutely great. It's probably the lack of real food, since my descent into restriction has been going pretty well. I'm making a point of not weighing myself right now though, because I want to concentrate on restricting numbers and not scale numbers, lest I obsess to much and just depress myself even more.

But, there's a bit of a change of plan. My 40 day plan isn't going to be going ahead right now, I'm changing it up instead. My aunt is, once again, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, but on the weekend she mentioned that she's going to do the milk-and-yogurt diet that she did presurgery to see if she can lose some damn weight. So I said, I'd do it with her, but supplement a Slimfast shake in, since I physically cannot stomach drinking milk, and she was completely fine with it.

The actual diet calls for 2 fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk a day, and nothing else aside from whatever sugarfree beverages you want - ie: water and diet pop and not much else. So to begin with I said I'd do it with 2 yogurts and 3 Slim-fast shakes (I had no intention of actually having 3 shakes in a day, but have to "keep up appearances") and my aunt actually said "I don't think you even need three, one or two is fine). So, okay. I'm in.

Essentially, this means that the calories will be around 500 ish a day, and there will be NO solid food involved. The diet is to last ten days, at which point I'm going to try to get in a "fast" day (with the ever watchful women in the house, this seems harder and harder, so I'm looking forward to their two weeks away in May), and then I'll decide what to do from there. I still want to do 2468, but I might see if I can get away with doing the 10 day milk-yogurt diet again without drawing TOO much suspicion. I mean hey, her surgeon even said "normal people" - those who aren't undergoing weight loss surgery - can do the diet for the results. So I mean, a doctor has basically said it's totally fine and even healthy to do this. Which makes it seem bizarre, like it's cheating, even though at 500 calories a day, it is still classified as a Starvation Diet. And one without any solid food at all.

I know, I keep changing my plan, but with my family being so effing watchful I have to be careful and do what I can. At least with this diet my aunt seems totally down for me doing it with her, so it's a step. I just need to go shopping tonight or tomorrow for supplies. Until I get a stock of yogurts and SlimFast drinks, I'm going to be on low-calorie soups for all of my meals. 10 calorie soup for lunch. 100 calorie cup soup for dinner.

I find it retarded though, that if I were to have cup soups or something I'd get told I'm not eating enough, yet it's perfectly fine to have a SlimFast and two yogurts and nothing else.

Whatever. More later, I need to tell you about my night out on Friday. I thought it was gonna suck but it was awesome in the end, which is probably why I've been in such a great, upbeat mood all weekend. =]

Stay beautiful my lovelies!
Vee xox

Success

Yesterday was a success.

In that, I stayed under the 1300. Although, to be totally honest, I wanted to stay further below. As it is, I had a 6 calorie buffer between Calories Allowed and Calories Consumed.

Actually, I think that the actual calories is lower. Because I used the calorie content for Saltine crackers when I calculated everything, but when I got home and checked the calories on the Saltine-like crackers I actually ate, there was a huge difference (the ones I ate were a lot lower yay). But now that I’m updating my spreadsheet – yes, I am THAT organized – I can’t remember the actual content, so I’m going to go with the Saltine ones and know that it’s a bit of an overestimation.

Yesterday I had a 94 calorie yogurt for breakfast.

Lunch consisted of cheese and crackers. As did dinner. Together Lunch and Dinner are just under 1200 calories. So under 1300 for the day =]

Today’s plan is as follows:

Breakfast: Yogurt – 97 calories
Lunch: French Onion cup soup – 95 Calories (these are AMAZING)
Snack: Yogurt – 94 calories
Dinner: Soup – <400

I can’t remember which kinds of soup I have at home, but I do remember that when I bought them I ensured that they all had under 400 calories. So, score.

Total will then be under 686, with a daily allowance of 1200. This number makes me feel good and positive. And it still seems like a decent amount of food. Having two yogurts and instant soup for lunch doesn’t feel like restricting at all, but the calorie count is still decent.

I’ve got a load of really crappy work to do (some idiot set up a couple of pensions wrong last summer and I’ve now got to fix it and call the financial adviser to tell them I’ve fixed it, and she’s likely going to bitch me the fuck out because she was NOT happy about it yesterday…) so I’ll update later when I’ve got another free minute or eight.

Stay beautiful!
Vee xox

Action Plan

So I’ve got a new plan, to help get me into the swing of things.

I saw somebody mention a Staircase Diet somewhere. I can’t remember where for the life of me, but when I saw it, I thought it would be a good way to ease myself back into restricting, and the varying calories will be great for the metabolism. So I took the basic idea and turned it into a 40 day plan.

Basically it involves starting on 1300 calories and reducing your intake by 100 each day until you hit 0 – fast day – and then work your way back up again. The one that I saw was more varied on the “upswing” but I’ve modified it to make it easier to remember, if nothing else.

What I plan on doing is start on my 1300 today, work down, have a fast day, work back up, have a fast day, and then work back down to 100. This constitutes the 40 day plan. After this, I’ll have another fast day, and then start on the 2-4-6-8 diet. I haven’t yet incorporated any definite fast days into that yet, but I’ll modify the plan later. 2-4-6-8 will last until May 9th. May 10th and 11th I will fast, and 12th I have allocated myself 1000 calories. Because it’s my birthday and I’ll probably be going to lunch with my grandparents or my best friend. If I can fast for the two days before this, I’ll be able to have a “free pass” for my birthday without too much guilt. It should be fairly easy to fast during this time, because my aunts will be away in Spain for the two weeks around my birthday, so there’s nobody around to “keep and eye on me.”

After this, I’m not sure where to go, but for now I’m going to stick to this plan and hopefully it’ll give me the results I need.

I realize that 1300 calories is high, but I’m not aiming to eat exactly the number of calories allowed for each day, that’s just the upper cap. And because my eating has been so up and down and whatever for the past while, I’m allowing myself a decent variance to wade back in as it were.

SO there you have it! Here are the dates and totals all laid out for you =]

March 18th 1300
March 19th 1200
March 20th 1100
March 21st 1000
March 22nd 900
March 23rd 800
March 24th 700
March 25th 600
March 26th 500
March 27th 400
March 28th 300
March 29th 200
March 30th 100
March 31st 0
April 1st 100
April 2nd 200
April 3rd 300
April 4th 400
April 5th 500
April 6th 600
April 7th 700
April 8th 800
April 9th 900
April 10th 1000
April 11th 1100
April 12th 1200
April 13th 1300
April 14th 0
April 15th 1200
April 16th 1100
April 17th 1000
April 18th 900
April 19th 800
April 20th 700
April 21st 600
April 22nd 500
April 23rd 400
April 24th 300
April 25th 200
April 26th 100
April 27th 0
April 28th 200
April 29th 400
April 30th 600
May 1st 800
May 2nd 200
May 3rd 400
May 4th 600
May 5th 800
May 6th 200
May 7th 400
May 8th 600
May 9th 800
May 10th 0
May 11th 0
May 12th 1000

SO, that’s the plan as I see it, from today until my birthday. =] Some of the figures seem too lenient but I just keep reminding myself that it's a starting point to get me into 2468. I'll re-evaluate then.

There’s more drama with my father, but I’ll write about that later..

Until later, stay beautiful my darlings

The ball's in my court...

But I'm not even sure whether I want to play.

Can Open. Worms Everywhere.

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.

I just messaged my father back on Facebook.

In case you're not sure what the hell I'm on about, I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 6 years old, when he told my mother he didn't want anything to do with me. Then out of the blue, he sent me a message back in November just saying "Hi. I just joined today and there you are." and nothing else. After much deliberation over how to react – should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I tell him to fuck off? – I sent a completely neutral message back, just saying “I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you.”

Neutral. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, letting him say whatever it is he wants to say, yet holding my own cards to my chest and not reacting either positively or negatively.

He didn’t reply. Which pissed me off but whatever.

For some reason, today I was fucked off more than usual. So, I opened up the old message, and replied to it with the following:

“Wow, I'm so glad you contacted me for this most fulfilling conversation.

If you have something to say to me, then just man up and say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Next time you get the urge to waste my time - say, in another 18 years or so? - do us both a favour and don't bother.

I can't believe I actually thought maybe you had some kind of interest, but hey I guess that's my bad. I accepted a hell of a long time ago that I'll never have a father, that the word "dad" might as well be a word from a foreign language that I'll never use, so feel free to go back to pretending you don't have a daughter.

-[my real name]”

I wasn’t expecting anything back, but immediately he sent a new message as response. What did it say?

“You are right”

That is it. You are right. I know I’m fucking right.

So rather than just leaving things as they are, I have to go and open that can of worms even further by demanding to know “So, what do you want from me? Why bother messaging me in the first place?”

The truth is, I don’t know if I even care. I’m so out of touch with my own emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. To me, it feels like nothing. But any normal person would be feeling something. Wonder. Trepidation. Anger. Upset. But all I feel is a mixture of nothing, and being fucked off at being fobbed off. I’m not anxious as to what his answer might be. I don’t know if I’m even curious, I’m just pissed off at his non response.

He hasn’t replied yet, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t. I don’t need another asshole loser non-father in my life. I have more than my share in my mother’s husband. I wish I hadn’t bothered answering him to begin with.

It was like trying to punch someone in the face for being a jerk, but then slipping on the backswing and banging your own head against the ground.

Explanation?

After the string of previous posts on here, I’m pretty sure none of this is going to come as a surprise to you, and you’ve probably already guessed, but the whole reason I was away for so long was because of how depressed I was.

Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.

Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.

I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.

So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.

But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.

That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.

What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.

Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.

So here I am.

Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.

I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.

This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.

And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.

I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.

Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.

I'm Back

And good lord how I've missed you.

Insufficient

I just want to write a quick post to thank you. I'll reply to individual comments soon, likely tomorrow (or rather today, since it's nearly 1am here in jolly ol' England). But I read what you guys have said on my last post, and I just want to hug you all.

I never had any doubts that you would understand what I meant, how I feel, and where I'm coming from when I say the things that I do. I can be myself here. I can bare my soul, with all its imperfections, and say EXACTLY what I think and feel... and know that I'm not alone with you all here at my side.

I would be lost without you all, and you are all such beautiful people. I wish only the best for each of you, and feel blessed that I've become a part of this blog community, if only because of you, the other people here that make it worthwhile. Without whose support, I would be lost and alone.

So thank you. It seems so insufficient, but I don't know how to put it into any other words.

I love you all.

All I want...

Is to be happy.

By which I mean, to be skinny and beautiful and loved.

I'm restricting and I still feel like a failure. Like a fraud. Like an obese, ugly monster.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and it takes my breath away. My reflection is always large and whale-like - I have no illusions there. But sometimes I look into a mirror and don't believe that the beautiful face with the smouldering blue eyes and sarcastically-playful smirk can possibly be me. I feel vain, and then I feel guilty for feeling vain, because my face does not make up for the mass of lard that is my body.

But then, when I'm at home and all of the makeup is scrubbed off and I can see the bare skin underneath... I cringe and wonder what I ever saw in myself that could possibly be beautiful. My beauty is false, and I only ever feel pretty when my mask is fully in place.

I feel like I will never be perfect. I will never attain the state of grace and beauty that I want. I don't deserve to attain it. No matter how far I restrict, even if I turned to purging and became best friends with Mia - no matter how hard I exercise or starve, I will never be beautiful.

No matter how skinny and fabulous my body becomes - Yes, maybe one day I'll have ribs and hipbones and pelvic bones and clavicles and bumps down my spine, but what use is the perfect body when it's attached to the face of a horse? - the truth is that the only true beauty I will ever have is that which I meticulously paint upon my countenance each morning. And even that is a lie.

And THAT is the reason why I spend so much money on high-brand makeup.

Because the mask I create for myself every day is the closest I will ever come to being something worth looking at. And it might be a lie, but it's all I have.

What the hell...?

I think my body is in its own time zone.

I'll beak it down for you. The first couple of days on ABC, I managed to gain THREE pounds. It was probably a late gain from all the Southern Comfort I had on New Year's eve, but I gained and it was depressing just the same, and demotivating, and I didn't want to mention it here because gaining weight, even when I'm actively restricting, tastes like failure and it's embarassing. But for the sake of full disclosure and honesty - and hey, when I have to admit it and be truthful, I'm less likely to fuck up because I have to answer to you guys! - there it is. A couple days late, but whatever.

Then to make matters worse, yesterday I was at home all day with my aunt and I will admit: I binged.

And when I say I binged I don't mean I ate a couple of cookies and a sandwich. By my calculations, my total calorie intake was around 2,000. So I consumed FOUR times the amount I was allotted on ABC.

But the fucked up part? I've LOST a little over a pound. Maybe eating a "normal" amount of calories for the first time in a long time has woken up my metabolism a little? Maybe the fact that the night before last and last night, I had my first two consecutive DECENT NIGHTS' SLEEP in years helped? Fuck me, I have no idea. And I'll probably wake up tomorrow 5lbs heavier, but right now this just feels totally bizarre, and I do not understand one bit.

Today is okay so far. 200 Calorie cap for today, and I've only had some low-cal soup with a couple crackers and a load of Pepsi Max. I'm not hungry in the slightest so will probably skip dinner, have a shower shortly, and go to bed early.

I didn't have to go to work today, since the snow is still pretty bad up here, and our road is a mess of ice, snow, and slush. And I don't live near the main road where I catch my bus to work, so I called and said I couldn't make it (my manager seemed ok with it, I felt bad and was all apologetic, but he was like "You can't help it!"). It's been snowing on and off kinda heavily again today, but I'll probably have to go in tomorrow all the same. In spite of the fact that I have no boots, my "winter" coat is thinner than half of the hoodies I own, and I've no gloves to my name either since I lost them on the bus last year and haven't found a new pair I like enough to buy...

So, back to work tomorrow. Which is depressing in itself, sigh.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about here today, but I really can't remember. So I think I'm going to have a shower, maybe a nap, and then straighten my hair for work tomorrow. And maybe even give myself a much-needed manicure. FUN TIMES WHUT.

Also: I love how I keep saying I can't afford a pair of boots because the ones I like are all upwards of £100, yet I have no qualms with the fact that the list of cosmetics I'm ordering from MAC's two new limited edition collections tomorrow comes to just under £120. I'm such a hypocrite. And makeup obsessed.

I should make one of my New Year's Resolutions to try to cut my makeup spending, even by a third. Lord knows I could use the money (and I pretty desperately need some new bedroom furniture, since the shit I bought from Argos a year and a half ago is basically falling apart at this point.)

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I'm off now!

And Today's Another Day

Didn't do too bad caloriewise today. May have gone over my limit again, but if I did it's only super minor =]

I don't have all that much to write about tonight - shock horror, I know that's not like me at all, right?! - but I think it's primarily because I'm so tired. If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know I'm nearly always tired, even when I'm not restricting particularly hard (or, even the times when I was eating normally), and I very rarely sleep "well". So I'm not surprised but it's still frustrating as hell to be checking your clock until nearly 4 in the morning waiting to fall asleep. I *should* go to the doctor, but even when I tried prescription sleeping pills they did nothing but make me feel hungover in the morning.

I should also probably go to the doctor for some depression meds, but I'm one of those people who refuses to go see a medical professional until I absolutely have to. I like to live by the "if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away" approach. Which yes, I realize is wrong. I think part of it is that, I feel self conscious about going to the doctor and having to explain how I feel and WHY I feel the way I do. I want to say that the way I feel is just "situational" depression, and everything will be better when I find a job (or when I'm skinny, or when I have a boyfriend, or when I'm rich and famous, et al.) But even as I say it, I know I'm kidding myself. I've been depressed to one degree or another since I was a child, forchrissakes. But, I can't be bothered.

Also, it's like admitting I have a problem. Wheras not having to take medication means I'm not "clinically" depressed. I'm undiagnosed, so it doesn't count. I Realize I sound like an idiot, but I don't really care.

There I go rambling, right after I say I have nothing to talk about =] At least I'm consistent!

Anyway, work today was... more of the same. Irritating and depressing. And something malfunctioned with my phone so as soon as I hung up a call another one came RIGHT through - we're talking, I haven't even let go of the receiver yet - four times in a row. I hadn't even finished dealing with the previous ones before I was getting more.

And then of course my manager was all "So, how're you finding it so far?" And I kind of sighed and fought the urge to roll my eyes with deep sarcasm. And I said I don't like taking calls. Which he already knows. But that so far the kinds of calls I've been taking have been easy ones, which I more or less know the answers to. I haven't had anybody shout at me yet or ask me shit I haven't heard of at ALL - I mean I don't know much but at least the things I've been getting asked I've heard of in passing, if that makes sense.

But that said, I still detest it. I would rather pull the covers over my head and bawl into my pillow every morning instead of going into work. And I find myself finding reasons to log my phone out of the queue to take calls. Today it was "Oh I can't find any record of taking that fraud test on my records. I'll do it again now just to be sure!"

Sigh.

My best friend S sent me through a link on our intranet to apply for a job in her building. Not in her team specifically, and it doesn't sound like the typical entry-level admin job I was doing before either, it seems to have more responsabilities. And the other bonus is the pay - it says minimum is £14,000 and max is around £17,800 (I'm currently on 16K and it would be a nightmare and a half to have to go back to a job that only pays minimum wage, which is around 10 grand or something ridiculous like that). So anyway, I was thinking of applying, since it's internal it links through to our HR accounts and it looks like there's no need to add in a CV/Resume or actual application, it just sends your records through to the people who are hiring for the position. But I also noticed that before it sends through to the other area for perusal, it is first sent to your manager to "approve."

Right, because when you hate your job so much you want to kill yourself half the time, and your boss doesn't care, you of course want to ask his fucking permission to apply for another job. Which is bullshit, but I don't care, I think I'll send it anyway. Worst case scenario they say no and my manager actually recognizes that I have no intention to stay where I am.

Soo, that's that.

The bonus is that I've got tomorrow off work. My manager was figuring out my hours (our hours are on a 4-week "month" and in that month we have to work our 140 hours that we're contracted to. Which means that instead of working 7 hours every day we have a little flexibility to work 6 and 8 or other variations, as long as we're on target at the end of the "month." When I started on the call centre, I was still clocking in down in my old team, but then moved up to this one and nobody had bothered to add the figures together yet, so I had no idea where I stood and my manager was under the impression that I was down by 23 hours. Pfft) and it turned out I had worked an extra 4 and a half hours. So, I booked the day off tomorrow to "use" those hours up. I have to work an extra two and a half to make up the rest of the day, but fuck, it's better than having to go in tomorrow right?

So tomorrow is a 500 calorie day I do believe. And I'm just generally going to try to stay as low as I can. The downside is that my aunt is home and although she's trying to be more sensible about her eating (not bingeing on sugary food or snacking throughout the day and night) she has a tendency to try and watch what I'm eating. Even in the same breath as telling me I need to lose weight and I'm fat. Which makes complete sense. But with 500 I've got room to play around.

SO, just one comment reply for now, that I'm aware of. If I missed something, smack me upside the head k?

Phantasmagorical Delusions: I tried your suggestion and microwaved the apples-cinnamon-splenda. Holy crap, it was beyond amazing. I felt like I should be feeling guilty and horrible and bingey but it totally wasn't which was awesommmme. I think that is going to become a staple in my diet =] And I might add it to my foodblog as a yummy tip because, wow everyone needs to try it!

Haha as to the weather, since I grew up in Canada, the notion of a -50 degree windchill is not at all alien to me - yet when it drops to 0 here I'm the first to start bitching and complaining about how cold I am. It makes no sense, but I can't help it haha. I could NEVER live somewhere where it was cold all the time, I'm just not built for it (half the time I'm shivering under a sweater in summer when the rest of my family is sweltering), but I couldn't live anywhere that had NO snow at all either. I'm just difficult to please lol.

Thanks for your comments on my other blog too, and I'm glad you like both of them =] It motivates me a little more to know someone is reading the foodblog and liking what I'm doing, so I'm more likely to add some more to it (the book is sitting in front of me as I type but I can't find the will or energy to type out more recipes just now haha.)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog, past and future. All the best doll, if you ever want to talk just drop me a comment =]

Also, my other readers: you should check out her blog. It's real, it's a good read, and I find it genuinely interesting as well. And she writes about more than JUST ED/food issues, which is the type of blog I like to read... It's more.. substantial, y'know? I find them more interesting anyway!

Commentorizing / Update

Phantasmagorical Delusion: (Holy crap I love your username!) I love them too =] So tasty and sweet and like you said, totally guilt-free. I haven’t had them in ages though since I kept forgetting to buy Splenda (I don’t use sugar in anything else at home). I’ve never tried them microwaved though! I didn’t bring the apple to work this morning since I was running late and it was icy as hell outside, so I might try it for dessert when I get home tonight. I’m looking forward to trying it now lol.. Being positive is hella hard, but I keep telling myself that negativity isn’t going to get me anywhere faster so I might as well try to be a little bit more upbeat. But then, pretending to be happier and more upbeat than I am sometimes bites me in the ass (I’m pretty sure my new manager thinks I love it here, since I’m not bitching all the time and am trying to be nice instead of complaining about how miserable I am every 5 minutes)… Also, I’ve followed your blog now =]

Dot: Yay, you sorted out your comments box <3 I’ll read your blog properly tonight. The background isn’t that bad now either, so ignore my bitching before, lol. I can read it fine today for some reason, must’ve been tired eyes yesterday. Haha, Genki <3 I’m trying anyway! The thumb is mostly ok now thanks, although it feels like I have reptile scales on it instead of my usually fairly-soft skin ^.^

Hanz: That’s a really good idea. Actually, I told myself ages ago that I was going to do just that, save money that otherwise would have been spent on bingeing or food, but never got around to it (I’m really bad for planning and never following through =/). But I think I might make a point of starting putting the money aside. Next time my aunts ask if I want to order pizza, I’ll put £15 aside lol.

Ana’s Girl: I agree, I’m the same way. I always comment on blogs and then either forget I’ve commented or just forget to check back to see if there are replies. I do it all the time lol.

Also, I’ve done so well today so far. It’s 2:15 in the afternoon and I’ve had 0 calories. I forgot my apple this morning because I was running late and didn’t get a chance to enter the kitchen before I left for work. Then figured I might as well skip the 10kcal soup for lunch. I’m just having one of those days where I’m not in the MOOD for food. Thank god, I need a no/little food day!

So tiredddd, but I need to get back to work so I’ll write more later when I’m at home =]

DOT!

Girl, I love your new blog layout but I can't really read the light-pink-on-more-shades-of-pink =/ And your comments box isn't loading for some reason. Click on Post A Comment, and nothing happens. Maybe it's just me the page isn't loading properly for, but thought I would tell you! <3 xxx

CBB Thinspo??

PS: Holy fucking god. I was just roped into watching the first episode of Celebrity Big Brother, and that Nicola Tappenden chick? 23 Inch Waist. One of the photos they showed of her in her intro is like HELLO BEAUTIFUL RIBS!

Might be a reason to watch it this year.

Updates!

Ok, just as I loaded up Blogger to post this, I opened up the Chococat 2010 Diary that I bought to write daily calorie stuff in, AND IT SMELLS LIKE MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE.

That is ONLY awesome because it isn't making me crave it.

Anyway.

Today wasn't a great food-day. I definitely went over the 300 cals I was allotted for Day 3, the Sunday Dinner notwithstanding there was ice cream for dessert and J assumed I wanted a ton so she gave me a full bowl full Fuck, I love ice cream. So that was my weakness for today, I ate more ice cream than I should have.

I was toying with the idea of changing plans and starting ABC again tomorrow, but for the sake of a few calories it isn't worth restarting. Not least of all because the totals are already written in my diary! I mean, tomorrow is a 400 day and the day after is a 500 day anyway, so for the sake of "restarting" I'm practically on the same daily caps anyway. So, tomorrow remains Day 4 =]

Didn't get a chance to weigh in this morning, as I woke up late and was rushing around for when my grandparents turned up for dinner. Probably up slightly as I had a few chips (fries) and part of a slice of garlic bread last night at Bingo, but not by much.

Tomorrow's plan of attack!

Breakfast: Apple with cinnamon and Splenda: 80
Lunch: 10-kcal Soup: 10
Dinner: Weight Watchers' Frozen Meal: 300
Total: 3809

Which means I should be just on target for the day. =]

It makes me happy to restrict and plan within an allowance and hit it!

I sound really upbeat today, and I'm making an effort to try to be more positive in general (it's another resolution for 2010, but I'm not sure how long it will last). But the truth is that right now I'm fantasizing about falling in the ice and snow and breaking my leg in three places so I won't be able to go to work for a few weeks.

And then I get really disappointed that it won't happen.

I think I'm more depressed than usual today because I had an amazing dream last night. I dreamed I met this gorgeous, amazingly sweet guy and we were hanging out and doing day to day things together but it was so fucking nice. And then I woke up and remembered that I've been alone for a year and a half. I haven't been laid in two weeks short of two YEARS. And my depression over my loneliness just got me depressed all over again about everything. This whole bullshit with my job just makes the past four years working for this company a waste. Four years I COULD have been doing something with my life instead of going nowhere fast. That I'm stuck at square one again and have nothing but a 5 thousand pound credit card debt and a broken heart to show for it.

So. Happy New Year.

Let's make 2010 the Year Of Change.

(comments to come tomorrow)

Happy New Year! & Day One

So, back into the ABC world I go.

But before I get into that, last night!

Last night was pretty awesome. My makeup looked fabulous, but my camera wouldn't take a decent picture, nevermind the fact that my face looked effing HUGE in all of them. Sigh.

But anyway. At first I was really not looking forward to going out. I was exhausted and I'm already basically broke and payday isn't for another 3-4 weeks. Plus, the place H and S2 decided to go was horrible. For some reason, before heading to the gayclub that was the night's destination, they decided they wanted to start off in this really grungy area full of hobos and chavs and dirty old men. The first pub we went into had karaoke on, and a group if about 6 uber-chavvy guys and this woman who wasn't quite all there mentally kept trying their best to DESTROY THE WORLD with their vocals. It was horrible but kind of amusing. Who knew the chav-dance was derived from the ever-terrible dad-dance?

From there we went to another pub, which was more of the same crap, but less karaoke and more dirty old men and Motown music that kept skipping.

Finally got to the gayclub and in the end it was a decent night out. A friend's partner somehow managed to get me cage-dancing with her at one point. Apparently my aunt got it on video, BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I hit my Most New Year's Kisses last year... Two lesbian friends of ours, H's husband, and some random gay dude I have never met. This adorable drag queen came over to give me a hug too, and she was so sweet. She looked good, unlike a lot of bad crossdressers that tend to frequent that place, but seemed really shy and quiet and was mostly sat on her own. She danced with us for a while before we left.

It was a night of revelations too. While we were sitting with some drinks after the dancing and just before leaving, my aunt turned to me and asked "V, what's your opinion on men dressed in women's clothes?" And I just shrugged, you know, to each their own. I don't care. I'm friends with drag queens, my best guyfriend is gay, and my sister is marrying a crossdresser. It's all good. Well apparently our buddy S2, H's hubby, occasionally cross-dresses. And I guess he was scared about how we would take it. He told my aunts after much hesitation but in the end he couldn't bring himself to tell me and got my aunt to do it. Which is weird, I suppose maybe he wasn't sure how we'd react and what I'd think. Pff, whatever.

Of course now we've got plans to take him out on the town in full regalia and I'm on Makeup Artist duties. Which actually sounds like a shitton of fun.

The downside is he has better legs than any of the women in the club. Bastard.

So, we got home maybe around 2? And had something to eat (a cheese toastie each made in these handy toaster packet things) before bed. And it was absolutely fucking freezing, so I grabbed my hot water bottle and put the kettle on to fill it up and make J a cup of coffee. Only, while I was filling the hot water bottle, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (I can't even blame it on intoxication as I was only slightly inebriated and hangover-free) and poured boiling water all over my thumb. The damage is concentrated mostly on the top hanlf, only a little bit of scalding extending below the joint. But fuckshit it hurt like a mother.

In the end I didn't get to sleep until after 5:30 because the pain was so intense. I wound up with an ice pack on it, but after a while that wasn't cold enough anymore, so I got a face cloth and a mug of cold-cold water and kept dipping the cloth in water and wrapping it around my thumb. The only problem is, once the heat had transferred and the cloth wasn't icy anymore, it started burning all over again so I had to repeat. It took forever to get to sleep and a corner of my bed is still damp from the wet cloths.

In the end I managed to get to sleep though - after I decided that cutting off the blood flow to the burned area might make it hurt less / at least stop throbbing, so I wrapped a hair elastic several times around under the knuckle. Sure enough, as the blood flow slowed, the burning sensation mostly went away and I was able to pass out. OF COURSE this probably wasn't the best idea. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't feel my thumb at all and when I took the elastic band off, there was a deep mark in my skin where it had bitten into the flesh for several hours, and it looked pretty bruised from the pressure. Oops!

Whatever though, at least I got some fucking sleep!

It's still sore today but not really burny-throbby thank goodness, so at least I didn't sear the flesh off or anything, ew.

Upside to today, is that I'm down 2lbs from yesterday. Which gives me a net weight loss of 4.8lbs since we got home from Mexico. Granted, that was a week and a half ago, but progress is progress, right? I'm not comfortable enough with my numbers to post them here yet, but once I manage to get back into the 100's (i'm not THAT far above but still self-conscious about it) I will. In the meantime I'm keeping track in a spreadsheet.

So today is Day 1 of my ABC. I might wind up a little over, as I couldn't get out of going to McDonald's for lunch. Had a burger, a couple of fries (literally only a couple, I gave the rest to J), and a Sprite to drink, and the calories are 510 according to an online source. I felt really sick and thought I was going to vomit before we left, but I didn't and I have mixed feelings. Throwing up = involuntary purging which means no calories but I don't have to feel guilty about inducing a purge and turning to Mia's "dark side." On the other hand, purging is purging and I hate being sick and hoping for an "involuntary" purge still makes it Mia, doesn't it?

So, I kept it down. It's nearly 4pm and I'm 10 calories over my limit for today, but that's not so bad. My aunt knows I felt sick earlier though so I can probably quite easily get out of eating anything else for the rest of the day. So Day 1 is mostly a success, I think, as long as I can keep away from food for the rest of the day =]

Day 2 tomorrow is another 500 day which should be easy enough - I'm going out with S and maybe L tomorrow and we're meeting for coffee, so I might just get a plain coffee with skimmed milk and splenda, eat nothing and when I get home I can tell my aunt that we went to lunch and I stuffed myself so I'm not hungry for anything to eat for dinner.

Day 3 on Sunday is going to be difficult though. It's a 300 calorie day, but I've got my grandparents coming over for Sunday Dinner with turkey-etc. I'll probably wind up going a little over, but I figure my aunts know "I'm on a diet" so whatever is served to me I do not need to feel obligated to finish it at all, and shouldn't get a lot of hack for leaving food on my plate. I think what I might do it just eat like, half of what's served to me. The calories shouldn't be TOO bad - we are having turkey, Stovetop Stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy, but the rest is just veggies like cabbage and maybe cauliflower. It will probably still be over 300 though. I'll just have to compensate on Monday and cut my calories down a bit further I guess.

Anyway, that's the plan for the next few days. Today I'm still super tired, but I need to sort my room out. I still haven't unpacked, haha, so it looks so cluttered in here!

Happy New Year to you all! What are your resolutions? Beside the obvious lol.

My resolutions are to:

1. Lose at least 50lbs by the time I go to Canada in the summer (that's a conservative 10lbs a month and that should be doable, right?)

2. Continue my Japanese learning and use at least one medium each day (Rosetta Stone, DS Game, Kana flashcards)

3. Draw up a list of weight loss rewards and stick to it!

4. Join a gym and go at least 3 times every week for an average of 2 hours a day. Ideally more but this will be my minimum.

5. See ABC through to the very end!

6. Find someone to love

There was more that I wanted to definitely accomplish this year, but now that it comes to writing it out, I can't quite remember what they were =/

Anyway I'm going to go for a nap! Have a great one, skinnies!

Vee xox

Work Rant

Woot!

Ok before I get into the New Year shebang, I owe you all, yet another, work rant.

Basically, what happened is that I got metaphorically shat upon. If you've been following my blog recently you'll know that I was recently moved from a pension admin team to a pension helpdesk (read: call centre), and that it is so shit that my mood has plummetted something obscene.

The week between Christmas and New Year is notoriously slow for our company. Since we deal primarily with scheme administrators, employers and financial advisers and other finance companies/pension providers, there's always less work coming in, since most of those people tend to take the week off. Hell, I would be too if I had the holiday allowance left.

So, on Tuesday when I came in, my manager mentioned that, if it was really dead, they'd probably let people go home early. Which I was all for, since my sleep patterns have been even more fucked than usual (Monday night I got to sleep at 5 and my alarm went off at 7). So, come about 1:30, one of the other managers (the area I work in is a huge team divided into 4 subteams, all doing the same work but with different managers) came over to say that they're letting a few people go home early. One person from each subteam. So, my manger asks "So who wants to be the first one to go home?" and I put my hand up but so did everyone else.

Except for one dude, who said he "wasn't bothered about going home early" and didn't mind staying until the normal closing time. To be fair, my manager decided to draw a name randomly, like a fun raffle. And in the end, dude who didn't mind staying got to go home early. Sigh.

Then an hour later, it was time for the second person in teach team to go. Except, instead of drawing names and making it fair and random, my manager just stood up, got his stuff and said "Right ok, I'm off, see you tomorrow!"

What the shit.

So, me and two others had to stay until our usual finishing time.

Then Wednesday was more of the same. One of the other two guys who had to stay to our usual time were in, along with the two who went home early the day before, and one other guy who was off on Tuesday. So I figured, to make it fair, the two of us that had to stay the night before should be the two to go if they decided to let people go early.

At 2, because it was really quiet and there weren't enough calls coming in to keep everyone sufficiently busy, they decided to do it again. Instead of doing it randomly, my manager let the other guy who'd stayed the night before, go early. Since he stayed an hour later than me (the shift I work is usually 8:30 - 4, wheras this other dude always works until 5 instead and takes a longer lunch) he should get to go home early. Which I understood, but if our manager had let me go at 2 and other dude go at 3 then we'd both be in an equal boat and leaving exactly 2 hours early.

But, whatever. So he went. And then come 3, my manager came over and I thought, awesome I get to go home! But no. The dude who hadn't been in on Tuesday "wasn't feeling very well" so he got to go at 3 and I got to stay until my usual time.

I mean, I know I'm whining about the sake of one hour, but it was the fact that, if he was sick he should have gone home / not come in regardless of whether the company was letting people go home early. If he was that bad he shouldn't have come into the office to begin with. (paired with the fact that, when asked "What's up with him?" by another of my coworkers, my manager didn't say he was sick at all, just said "Oh he's just feeling old." Right.)

What annoyed me was the fact that, of everyone in our team who worked both Tuesday and Wednesday, I was the only one who didn't get to go home early.

Yesterday I *did* get to go home two hours early though so I'm slightly less irritated about it now. I came in at 8:30 and between then and 10:45 when I was told to go home, I only took two calls, it was SO boring. Of course, this wasn't just because I was the only one who'd had to work "late" the previous two days, everyone else in the team had the option to go at the same time but chose not to because they'd already made plans to meet friends when the office closed at 1.

In the end I was really glad they let me go home early because I needed it. Even though I left at 10:45, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30, and since I'd had like two hours of sleep that night I wanted to try to get a nap in before I started getting ready to go out.

Annyway, that was just my obligatory rantpost (I mean, what would my blog BE without rambling rantings right?), I'm going to do a separate post for New Year's Things =]