Monday, 4 January 2010

And Today's Another Day

Didn't do too bad caloriewise today. May have gone over my limit again, but if I did it's only super minor =]

I don't have all that much to write about tonight - shock horror, I know that's not like me at all, right?! - but I think it's primarily because I'm so tired. If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know I'm nearly always tired, even when I'm not restricting particularly hard (or, even the times when I was eating normally), and I very rarely sleep "well". So I'm not surprised but it's still frustrating as hell to be checking your clock until nearly 4 in the morning waiting to fall asleep. I *should* go to the doctor, but even when I tried prescription sleeping pills they did nothing but make me feel hungover in the morning.

I should also probably go to the doctor for some depression meds, but I'm one of those people who refuses to go see a medical professional until I absolutely have to. I like to live by the "if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away" approach. Which yes, I realize is wrong. I think part of it is that, I feel self conscious about going to the doctor and having to explain how I feel and WHY I feel the way I do. I want to say that the way I feel is just "situational" depression, and everything will be better when I find a job (or when I'm skinny, or when I have a boyfriend, or when I'm rich and famous, et al.) But even as I say it, I know I'm kidding myself. I've been depressed to one degree or another since I was a child, forchrissakes. But, I can't be bothered.

Also, it's like admitting I have a problem. Wheras not having to take medication means I'm not "clinically" depressed. I'm undiagnosed, so it doesn't count. I Realize I sound like an idiot, but I don't really care.

There I go rambling, right after I say I have nothing to talk about =] At least I'm consistent!

Anyway, work today was... more of the same. Irritating and depressing. And something malfunctioned with my phone so as soon as I hung up a call another one came RIGHT through - we're talking, I haven't even let go of the receiver yet - four times in a row. I hadn't even finished dealing with the previous ones before I was getting more.

And then of course my manager was all "So, how're you finding it so far?" And I kind of sighed and fought the urge to roll my eyes with deep sarcasm. And I said I don't like taking calls. Which he already knows. But that so far the kinds of calls I've been taking have been easy ones, which I more or less know the answers to. I haven't had anybody shout at me yet or ask me shit I haven't heard of at ALL - I mean I don't know much but at least the things I've been getting asked I've heard of in passing, if that makes sense.

But that said, I still detest it. I would rather pull the covers over my head and bawl into my pillow every morning instead of going into work. And I find myself finding reasons to log my phone out of the queue to take calls. Today it was "Oh I can't find any record of taking that fraud test on my records. I'll do it again now just to be sure!"


My best friend S sent me through a link on our intranet to apply for a job in her building. Not in her team specifically, and it doesn't sound like the typical entry-level admin job I was doing before either, it seems to have more responsabilities. And the other bonus is the pay - it says minimum is £14,000 and max is around £17,800 (I'm currently on 16K and it would be a nightmare and a half to have to go back to a job that only pays minimum wage, which is around 10 grand or something ridiculous like that). So anyway, I was thinking of applying, since it's internal it links through to our HR accounts and it looks like there's no need to add in a CV/Resume or actual application, it just sends your records through to the people who are hiring for the position. But I also noticed that before it sends through to the other area for perusal, it is first sent to your manager to "approve."

Right, because when you hate your job so much you want to kill yourself half the time, and your boss doesn't care, you of course want to ask his fucking permission to apply for another job. Which is bullshit, but I don't care, I think I'll send it anyway. Worst case scenario they say no and my manager actually recognizes that I have no intention to stay where I am.

Soo, that's that.

The bonus is that I've got tomorrow off work. My manager was figuring out my hours (our hours are on a 4-week "month" and in that month we have to work our 140 hours that we're contracted to. Which means that instead of working 7 hours every day we have a little flexibility to work 6 and 8 or other variations, as long as we're on target at the end of the "month." When I started on the call centre, I was still clocking in down in my old team, but then moved up to this one and nobody had bothered to add the figures together yet, so I had no idea where I stood and my manager was under the impression that I was down by 23 hours. Pfft) and it turned out I had worked an extra 4 and a half hours. So, I booked the day off tomorrow to "use" those hours up. I have to work an extra two and a half to make up the rest of the day, but fuck, it's better than having to go in tomorrow right?

So tomorrow is a 500 calorie day I do believe. And I'm just generally going to try to stay as low as I can. The downside is that my aunt is home and although she's trying to be more sensible about her eating (not bingeing on sugary food or snacking throughout the day and night) she has a tendency to try and watch what I'm eating. Even in the same breath as telling me I need to lose weight and I'm fat. Which makes complete sense. But with 500 I've got room to play around.

SO, just one comment reply for now, that I'm aware of. If I missed something, smack me upside the head k?

Phantasmagorical Delusions: I tried your suggestion and microwaved the apples-cinnamon-splenda. Holy crap, it was beyond amazing. I felt like I should be feeling guilty and horrible and bingey but it totally wasn't which was awesommmme. I think that is going to become a staple in my diet =] And I might add it to my foodblog as a yummy tip because, wow everyone needs to try it!

Haha as to the weather, since I grew up in Canada, the notion of a -50 degree windchill is not at all alien to me - yet when it drops to 0 here I'm the first to start bitching and complaining about how cold I am. It makes no sense, but I can't help it haha. I could NEVER live somewhere where it was cold all the time, I'm just not built for it (half the time I'm shivering under a sweater in summer when the rest of my family is sweltering), but I couldn't live anywhere that had NO snow at all either. I'm just difficult to please lol.

Thanks for your comments on my other blog too, and I'm glad you like both of them =] It motivates me a little more to know someone is reading the foodblog and liking what I'm doing, so I'm more likely to add some more to it (the book is sitting in front of me as I type but I can't find the will or energy to type out more recipes just now haha.)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog, past and future. All the best doll, if you ever want to talk just drop me a comment =]

Also, my other readers: you should check out her blog. It's real, it's a good read, and I find it genuinely interesting as well. And she writes about more than JUST ED/food issues, which is the type of blog I like to read... It's more.. substantial, y'know? I find them more interesting anyway!

1 comment:

Ana's Girl said...

I'm totally the same way about seeing doctors, yet i tell people to go to the doctor. Lol. What a hypocrite i am. "Ignore it and it'll go away" has always been my policy too. Unfortunately the only thing it really works with is hunger.
I do wish you the very best in finding another job. I can't stand how much you hate your job :(