Thursday, 30 April 2009

The end of the worst day of the month

Suffice to say, today's been a super shittacular day.

I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted (might do a tarot reading or two while I'm at it), but I'll write all about it tomorrow.

But I'll just say two things:

Forced dinner out with family and mutual friends


My will-power exists but not in the quantities it fucking needs to. I hope this gets easier with time because so far, I suck big hair balls. Still, it could have been a lot worse than it was.

But yeah, I'll give you guys the full scoop tomorrow.

also, check out my ED-Friendly Foodblog, and send me any recipe suggestions you may have:


Time for some new goals

I've updated my goals in the sidebar.

I thought, after being up and down and then bingeing for two weeks and finally restarting, I'd change my start date and stats too.

Old start date and weight was January 14th 09, at 201.4lbs

New start date and weight are April 27th 09 at 198lbs.

I didn't think it was really fair to track from the old date when for a good month I went between plateauing and bingeing and getting back down to 188 and then plateauing and bingeing and getting back down... It was just a big period of crapness.

So I'm starting fresh as from this week. And I need to say, it's amazing to have this outlet again. I don't know why I stopped blogging and reading blogs, but coming back to this feels like coming home. I'm a lot happier since I've been here, and I love having an avenue to vent all of my feelings and frustrations that I just can't say or talk about anywhere else.

And I know that you girls will accept me for what I am, not just what I wish I was or what I will be one day. With my goals and my days of amazing will power and even my faults and weaknesses.

I love you guys. I know I say it a lot, but that doesn't make it any less true.

So here's to starting new and reaching our goals. So far (today not included) this has been a great first week for me and I'm happy to be back here. And I wish you all the best in reaching the goals you've set for yourself. We can do it. We WILL be tiny and beautiful and perfect.

Vee xox

ps: as you can tell, I needed a little positive affirmation after the last post =/

Failure v2.0

So, I hate myself.

Someone at work brought me a plate of various munchies... Everyone at work is always pressuring people to fucking eat something, everyone in my team is a god damn pig, I swear. And I caved and had a couple of things from the plate. Mostly since I thought "it'll be okay to have a couple things, it's not going to kill you or anything".

Sigh. I just did a tally of the few things I did eat, and the total is 655kcals. Including the yogurt this morning, that brings my total up to 757 calories.

I'm not a purge-er but I have to admit I did just try to get rid of some of it.. I know not everything came back out but at least some of it did so the damage won't be quite as high.

I hate purging but when I found out there were THAT many calories I couldn't help myself. Ugh.

I didn't even eat that much but there is more calories in that shit than I thought there would be. Fucking supermarket brands and their calorie-badness.

So, I'm sorry you guys. But I'm going to do a full tea-and-water fast tomorrow to make up for it. No braised lettuce for me tonight. =[


It's not what you think, I promise. I've been really good all this week and I tell you what, I am damn proud of myself right now.

Monday, I had nothing but a handful of Doritos.

Tuesday I had nothing but some Braised Lettuce and two smoothies (damn you, fruit-filled awesomeness)

Wednesday I had some sushi at lunch and nothing else.

Today I've had a yogurt for breakfast and will probably make braised lettuce again tonight, if I have the energy after work and hitting up Tesco.

So, yay. So far this week I'm down 4lbs. Monday morning I was 198, and this morning I am 194, so I'm down another 0.6 from yesterday. Which could be better, but I'll take it over a gain any fucking day.

The failure in question, is the saltwater flush.

For those of you who don't know, it's essentially a way to cleanse your digestive system and get rid of all the "crap" up in there. Pun not intended, but funny nonetheless.

What you need is 1 litre (4 cups) of warm water, and 2 teaspoons of sea salt. Do not use iodized table salt because it will not work, and will probably just be absorbed by your body and cause severe water retention and bloating!

You drink it down as fast as you can, and in anywhere from 15mins to 3 hours you will... how to put this delicately. Experience a strong "urge" and "expel" the contents of your... entire bowels, I guess.

My friend K gave me a helpful hint: if you add some lemon juice to the water, it helps with the taste. It's still uber salty but not as horrifyingly so. So, that's what I did.

I drank it down in two 500ml glasses of saltwater-and-lemon-juice, and chugged that shit down. And it was horrible. I like fairly salty food so it probably wasn't as bad for me as it is for some others, but it was still horrible having to down a litre of water all at once. My stomach didn't want to take it, and I felt a bit sick for a while.

So I sat and waited for the magic to happen.

And it didn't. I was not happy.

I woke up this morning not feeling really bloated, but very dehydrated. I think the salt water had pulled the water out of my system (can we say "seeking a state of homeostasis through osmosis" anyone? God, I'm such a fucking science nerd) and since I did not drink enough to begin with yesterday during the day, and then had nothing else to drink after said salty water, I woke up feeling a little hungover today.

Which is another fun trivia fact. One of the primary causes for the feeling of being hungover after you've had a lot to drink, is due to dehydration. Alcohol is a diruetic and dehydrates you, which in turn makes your body very fucking unhappy.

I'm just full of random bs today. In my defense, I just spent the last half hour compiling some Science questions for a quiz we're doing at work in about an hour, so I've got my brainiac head on. Luckily it doesn't happen often =P

Fuck. One of the chicks in my team is going on maternity leave after today, and for her last day she's just emailed us all to say she's brought some food in for everyone.

But anyway. That is all. I'm just irritated that the saltwater flush didn't work, so I'm going to have to endure it again in a couple of days. Rockin' (not).

I'll write more later, I've got to get some work done.

As always, thanks for your comments ladies, you all rock hardcore.

Love you!
Vee xox

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

A Change of Plan

Tonight: Saltwater Flush. I ate early enough that it should be okay to go ahead with it later on tonight. No food.

Tomorrow: No food at work. Make Braised Lettuce for dinner and that is all.

Friday: Try to fast, hope the aunt doesn't decide to order fucking pizza again. Nevermind that I can't AFFORD pizza even if I did want it, either.

Thanks for the comments, ladies. You all rock.

Now back to trying not to fall asleep. Only 2 hours to go, so it doesn't seem that bad now =]

Love you all!
Vee xxx

Only four hours left to go

Ugh. Working ten hours a day to rack up two and a half of overtime really bites.

But on a lighter note. Today started off really shitty, I was so tired I nearly fell asleep after my alarm went off, and was depressed and had no motivation - and to make matters worse I woke up convinced it was Thursday. Unfortunately, I am not that day closer to the weekend, and it ruined my day. Also, it was foggy and trying to rain and the weather was doing everything in its power to look like stereotypical Britain from a movie made by people who had never set foot in this country yet still decided to set it in London - which we ALL know is the only place in England. /sarcasm.

But now it's not so bad. I've had my sushi, and it was yummier than any other sushi I have ever had before, it was so wonderful. I feel guilty for eating it despite having lost less than half a pound last night, but at least I'm eating it earlier, yes? The sun is also shining outside, which is awesome but also sucks because I'm stuck in an office until 6:30 tonight, by which time it will probably be raining and windy as hell. The morning went by pretty quickly and I spent my first hour at work reading a couple blogs and ordering some books from Amazon. A new tarot/oracle card deck, two tarot books, and about twelve books on eating disorders. I need something new to read and unsuprisingly, this is what I would rather read right now. Though I do have to remind myself that my two favourite authors (Koontz and Palahniuk) both have new books coming out in not such a long time, so I'll need to make space for them.

I'll probably have to find an extra hour or two of overtime to AFFORD the books and the tarot cards, but it's cool. Maybe I'll stay at work til 7 instead of 6:30 tomorrow.

No, no I won't.

I'm rambling now so I'll stop and probably write something else later.

Calorie consumption so far today:
Strawberry Tea with Splenda Sweeteners: 1.8
Sushi: 395 - yeah, it's more than I thought but still not HUGE.

Now the big question. Do I make the braised lettuce when I get home? Or do I go without? I want to skip it but at the same time I can't make it tomorrow because I'm doing the saltwater flush. And I don't want my half-onion and cut-apart green pepper to go off, because again, I can't afford to waste any money.

I wish there was an ED-Friendly Supermarket that sold teeny portions so things wouldn't be wasted. Like single servings of like 1/4 cups of cereal, 1/4 of skim or soymilk, peppers and onions and tomatoes by the quarter and bananas by the half. Ice-cube packaged servings of ice cream. Celery by the stalk and individual berries and grapes. Half-size cans of soup.

Maybe I'm getting carried away now. Anyway, I'll talk to you guys later.

Vee xox

The Good, The Bad, and the Downright Fucking Ugly

The Good: I lost today!

The Bad: It was only 0.4lbs =/

The Downright Fucking Ugly: Me. My huge ass, my thighs, my huge stomach, my flabby EVERYTHING. Ugh.

So, the smoothies really fucked me up. The Braised Lettuce I had last night was really really good and low-calorie, so I can't blame it on that. I didn't think the smoothies would be so bad until I thought to myself that the smoothies are pure fruit. So it's like gorging on a huge fruit bowl, but without being full halfway through because it's so condensed. I am not happy with myself.

Yes, I know that a loss is a loss and that I should be happy. Instead, I'm pissed off with myself. I don't feel like I've earned the sushi that I bought for today, I don't deserve it. But I'm going to have some of it anyway because it's dated today and I can not afford to waste money right now - I spent £4. Which may not sound like much, but that's nearly half of what it costs me to get to work in a week. That money could have bought me half a pan eyeshadow from MAC instead. Or paid toward my taxi fare when I meet up with a friend in a couple of weeks for dinner and drinks for my birthday. Sigh.

So yeah, my euphoria is long gone. Today is Sushi. Maybe braised lettuce at home but I'm not banking on it. Tomorrow is going to be a fast day, and I'm going to do my saltwater flush when I get home from work.

Oh, and apparently with this whole Swine Flu pandemic apparently it's kinda rife in Mexico and people aren't supposed to go there. People at work just now were telling me "it should be okay by December when you go, but if not it'll probably be cancelled."

I better damn well get my fucking money back if it is. I've already paid a £170 deposit, and the total balance of £1,300 needs to be paid by September. If shit isn't sorted out, I want my money back. I'll spend it in Canada instead. Grr.

That's all for now, I'll write more later.

Vee xox

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Another Early Night

I'm so tired so I'm going to bed soon. I'm also suffering from the munchies even though I'm not actually hungry. And sleeping = less temptation to find something to eat.

I made Braised Lettuce today, although it was much more of a Lettuce Soup than anything else. And it was delicious, far far better than I was expecting it to taste. I added some celery and spring onions and green pepper and a dash of tobasco, but fucked up and put in too much stock so it was SUPER salty. Now, I love love love salty food, which is one of my problems, but this stock was too salty even for me. But the stuff in it was amaaazing.

I'm going to give it another try tomorrow. Mmmm. And for less than around 50 calories I'm ahead of where I originally wanted to be today =]

It feels like cheating though because I'm very full [I put more water into it than I should have, which in turn filled me up faster] even though I didn't actually eat anything other than that.

Oh.. crap. Yeah I also had two Innocent smoothies. Which total around 500 calories. I know a lot of people don't usually count their liquid calories unless it's something dumb like a McDonald's Milkshake or lots and lots of beer, but those smoothies have knocked me back. That happy high from earlier? I'm not happy anymore. Especially when I think about how much fruit is in those smoothies. Which is good because yay fruit! and nothing extra. But bad because holy calories!

Shit. Shit shit shit. I don't know if I should be mad at myself or not.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. Tomorrow is going to be my sushi pack for lunch at work and maybe some more Braised Lettuce when I get home. Depends on whether or not I can be bothered making it. It was good and easy to make but right now crushing garlic and chopping onions and green peppers and celery is sounding like a lot of work.

Anyway. I'm going to bed.

And yes, my life really is this boring. No wonder I'm so fucking depressed.

I Just Wanted To Add...

...That blogging is fucking addictive. I haven't blogged like this in months and I'm always on here reading blogs and posting lame nonsensical updates. Even though I'm at work. Which is both a good and a bad thing. Sigh.

I'll be back for more later, but I should probably get some actual work done around now.

Euphoric - And Shopping!

Starvation is Euphoria.

I feel enlightened. I feel calm and contented. I feel weak, but it’s such a good feeling.

I can feel my body consuming itself.
I'm in such a good mood. Seriously. It's so strange, because my depression is probably a large contributing factor to my whole "disordered eating habits" or whatever you want to call it** but while I'm doing it, restricting or fasting or anything short of eating normally/bingeing... I feel happier. I feel such a strange contentment and almost a sense of smugness. Like, I'm doing this and it's working and.. I don't know. The only problem is, it's never fast enough, as I'm sure you ALL know.

Still, it's only when I severely restrict or am fasting that I feel this way. It seems to go hand-in-hand with the weakness and physical exhaustion side. But, I like those feelings too, the ones that most people say are negatives. I *like* feeling week and tired. I like it when the walk up my 13 stairs to bed at night feel like climbing a mountain.

Or maybe I'm just delirious from having nothing but a handful of Doritos in more than 36 hours. =]

Are any of you guys like this? I know that even if I had the willpower to fast for say, 10 days, 20 days, etc without stopping, eventually the feeling of euphoria would probably wear off and depression would rear it's ugly head. But right now is such a good feeling, it makes me not want to stop.

And I shouldn't stop, not really. So I'm not going to (not at least until next weekend, when I'm going to HAVE TO go to dinner with my family for my birthday, but I'll get a salad or some fish or something). I'm going to restrict and restrict some more and try desperately to really fast.

Today I've had nothing, save for some water and 1 cup of strawberry tea. I just bought a bottle of lemon juice - I might try having some hot, sweet lemon water. Hmm. Anyway. I went to Tesco and got the supplies I need to make some Braised Lettuce (approx 30kcals give or take) [The recipe is now up at my other blog, thanks to my darling dearest K =]] and I'm adding a little tabasco sauce for flavour and a little chopped celery I think. Mmm. It's sounding really yummy.

I also got some sea salt and some lemons and lemon juice to do a saltwater flush. It probably won't be tonight since I'm having the braised lettuce tonight and you shouldn't do it with food in your stomach or you'll just be sick. So I'm aiming at tomorrow or Thursday.

I was originally going to fast yesterday and today so that I felt as thought I'd "earned" some lasagne from my work canteen at lunchtime tomorrow. Instead, I bought a package of sushi which I'm going to nibble on throughout the day tomorrow, and that's all I'm having. It's around 350kcals but that's still not too high, and I figure the lasagne would have had like 600+++ since my canteen cooks everything in oil and grease and more oil =/

Finally, I bought a couple more magazines. Elle and Glamour. Last week I bought Cosmopolitan, Vogue, and In Style. There is some serious thinspiration in these mags, and it helps that I'm a beauty junkie (not that you'd know to look at me, the only thing I've been making an effort with lately is my makeup and kind of my skincare, I desperately need to go clothes shopping, but I'm going to try to wait until I go to Canada because A: it will be cheaper and B: I will be skinner and C: I've got a couple shopping sprees planning with a friend when I go there so I might as well save my money now and blow it on fun times with N in Canada instead.

Such a long post. Originally this was just going to be the first parts about Starvation-Induced-Euphoria but oh well.

I hope you are all having a fabulous day. Love you lots!
Vee xox

**Obese people are not anorexic, not until they reach a healthy weight and KEEP GOING. At least that's how I look at it. I realize I am disordered, EDNOS if you will, but I think it's an insult to the anorexic community to call somebody who weighs 195lbs with a BMI of 31 one of them.

My Aglets Are Falling Apart


Just a random observation. On my Black-and-Pink Vans Skatershoes, I have a tendency to tie the laces into a normal, boring bow and then, because the laces are ridiculously long, I shove the ends of the bows down the sides of the shoes under/beside the "tongue" and shove the Aglets into the top lace-hole-things to keep them out of the way. This morning when I got to work I retied my shoes and realized the aglets are starting to show mucho wear and if they keep it up I won't be able to shove them in there anymore. But at least they won't be too hard to shove into the shoes with the bows for fear of stepping on them.

Aglets, by the way, are the hard, plastic-coated tips at the end of your shoelaces.

But anyway I'm digressing.

I had the most wonderful start to the morning. And by that I do not mean the "waking up feeling like a zombie with a headache". I got my wish.

On Sunday morning when I woke up I weighed 198lbs. I purposely didn't weigh myself yesterday because after my aunt's enforced Beef Casserole, I was too scared. (On a sidenote, I need to figure out how many calories are in the casserole because it's driving me crazy. I had three canned new potatoes, a scoop or two of the casserole - which really just translates to four chunks of stewing beef with some carrots and onions and a packet sauce-gravy-stuff - and a serving of butter-roasted yams. Sigh. That was the worst part. And I fucking love yams/sweet potatoes). Anyway I doubt I lost anything between Sunday morning and yesterday morning.

Yesterday my plan was to eat nothing and I ALMOST succeeded. All day at work (and I was at work for a straight 10 hours, I might add) all I had was water, some vitamins, and a few cups of strawberry tea with Splenda. When I got home, I chatted to a friend of mine, and that's when I caved - and had a handful of cheese Doritos. Not too many so I'm going to guess maybe 100 calories worth, which in the grand scheme of thing isn't much. So I'm not chalking yesterday up to an overall failure, it could have been MUCH, much worse.

So this morning I woke up and said to myself "I want to be 195" but doubted it would happen. 3lbs in a day is a bit of a stretch even considering I had eaten nearly nothing the day before. But I stepped on the scale and - drumroll please? - 195.0lbs. I was 195 EXACTLY, and that totally set me up for a good day. Booya!

I'm going to try for more of the same today. I'm limiting myself to a maximum of 100 calories, but am going to aim for nothing. At work I've got my water, vitamins, and strawberry tea - and when I get home, if I really feel the need, I'll have a cup-a-soup or a nonfat yogurt, which will keep my total at or below 100 calories.

The best part of this is that I'm not even hungry. If I ate anything right now I know it would just be for the sake of it, and that's no reason to indulge. Eat when you're hungry, and I'm not. Which is awesome.

I'm feeling really positive again. Seeing the numbers drop so quickly really affirms that I CAN DO THIS, I'm not a failure. Yes, I slipped up in the midst of a sickening depression, but I can fix that, and I can keep going. My goal is to try to drop 4 Stone (or around 56lbs) in 5 months. So I'm only aiming for a loss of around 10lbs per month which I think is doable, providing I stick to my guns and don't let weakness consume me. I mean hell, I'm already down 3lbs today, right?

And once again, I'm really looking forward to my aunts going away. On the one hand, I get lonely and like to be around people, but on the other hand I'm actually a pretty solitary person. And it's SO much easier doing this when people aren't hovering over you and asking what you've eaten today. It makes me fantasize about having my own apartment downtown, and just being on my own and not having to deal with the bullshit of other people. I can come home and have a sliced apple with cinnamon and splenda for dinner after work and nobody can say a god damn thing.

The problem is, I really can't afford to live on my own. Not at least until January, at LEAST. I make a halfway decent amount of money, but I also like to spend it. I'm going to Canada in September and Cancun in December and, if I had to pay rent for an apartment plus bills on top, there's no way I would be able to afford that. AND to be able to spend a couple hundred a month on makeup and clothes AND still have savings. I'm accustomed to having money spare, and moving out on my own will make me essentially broke. All the time.

It's not so bad though I guess. To be perfectly honest, once my aunts have their Gastric Bypass surgeries this summer, I don't think they will have any right to tell me off for not eating anything. I've said it before and I stand by it: weight loss surgery is a self-inflicted and enforced eating disorder. It's just forcing them to eat teeny tiny amounts, which in turn makes them lose weight. How is that any different from what we do? (but, minus the will power). I can't wait for them to have the surgery, seriously.

Also, thanks to you guys who have shown interest in the ED-Foodblog! I'm really excited about it. As you've probably seen I've already put together a rather large list of less than 50kcal and 50>100kcal foods. The next order of business is to start getting recipes together. I've already got one, which my fabulously amazing friend and partner-in-crime K has sent to me... which will be added to the blog once it decides to actually appear in my email inbox. I'll be searching the internet and some cookbooks for some, but as always I'd be more than grateful if you decided to send me your favourites =] (On that note, don't worry if you don't have the exact calorie or nutritional details. There's a "recipe analyzer" on that lets you work it out. So if you don't have the info, just send me the recipe and I'll figure out the calories from it =])

Mucho Love,
Vee xox

Monday, 27 April 2009

ED-Friendly Cookbook Blog

So, I've decided to take on a new project, and that project is the above. Essentially it will be a compilation blog-based "cookbook" for low-calorie foods and recipes, accompanied by full nutritional information.

Please click the link above to see the full introduction post. If any of you would like to contribute recipes you've found/devised/modified, you can email them to me at (take out the ##s!!)

Hopefully this will turn into something great =)

I Want To Break Free

I guess. How much easier all of this would be if I lived on my own. I am literally counting the hours until my aunts have their weight-loss surgery. No more will I have to come home to "So, we ordered pizza" or open the freezer to get out a low-cal frozen meal and be rebuffed with "We're making beef casserole, it's in the oven."

I hate how nobody consults me before they start planning group meals. My aunts KNOW full well I'm trying to lose weight. I've told them numerous times not to bother phoning me and asking if I want anything picking up from McDonald's or ask if I want anything while they're at the fish-and-chip shop. Because no, I do not, and I really do not need the temptation either. Yes, it's an amazing feeling to be able to say no. But I could really do without the option to begin with.

So right now, I'm very much looking forward to next month, when my aunts will be away for two weeks. I've got a couple of meals I'm going to have to endure (I think my grandparents want to go to dinner or lunch with me for my birthday. I'm also supposed to be going out for Thai and cocktails with a good friend of mine the weekend after my birthday, and she wants to come over to my house the day before to bake some goodies. The only downside of which is that I don't have my aunts there to pawn it off too but my neighbour and her kids always appreciate my baking) but aside from that I'm completely free for those two weeks. I'll be able to eat (or rather, NOT eat) what I want. The first week I'm off work, and have those few "engagements" for birthday "fun", and the second week I'll be at work.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to it, to be free of any pressure and to just do what I want to do.

I hope the rest of you are doing okay.

Stay beautiful,
Vee xox

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Feeling Demonic Harmonic in a No-Go-Zone

So... after being all annoyed this afternoon... I am in SUCH a good mood tonight. I feel euphoric and a little giddy. I actually did something constructive (an eye makeup tutorial that is currenly in a queue to upload to YouTube... yeah, I'm a beauty-blogger-video-maker, too). And I'm chatting to an old friend of mine from back home that I haven't seen since I was like 12 and finished elementary school. But it's nice and feels natural and we just clicked after we got back in touch over Facebook a few months ago. We're planning shopping sprees and partying together when I go back later in the year. It's all so amazing and I can't wait to go and do everything now!

Sigh. Right now, everything feels so easy. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Happy because.. well, it's just how I feel. I've got that natural-high feeling that you get after you've just successfully completed your first aerobics class and the endorphins have all kicked in, but without all the physical fatigue and achiness. But sad because I know this feeling won't last.

To be able to say right now "I am so happy!" is something of a miracle, because I never feel this way, and it feels weird to not feel empty nothingness inside me, or depression. I will admit that the way I feel right now is amazing, but it's still only a small glimmer in the dark depths of a black hole that I know will soon swoop in to consume me once again. But for now I'm reveling in the sensation. I've been depressed and down for so long I honestly couldn't remember what it felt like to feel anything positive at all. So I'm trying so hard to hang on to this feeling. Even though I know it will hurt worse once it finally passes.

So, there you go. I'm going to wash off my makeup and go to bed. And when I wake up, this feeling will probably be gone. But I wanted to share it with you while it was happening. Right now everything feels good and so easy. I have plans for the future for the first time in at least a couple of years. Something to really look forward to.

Now I need to figure out how to stop spending so much money on makeup and skincare products so I can AFFORD said shopping sprees and partying. It will not be easy. Sigh.

Goodnight darlings. I love you.

Also, I know I don't comment on your blogs a lot, but mostly it's just because I don't know what to say. Anything usually seems inadequate and just doesn't sum up what I feel about your posts and about you, you strange women I have never met or spoken to but feel such kinship with. But I do think of you and I do try to read all your blogs when I get the time to do so.

Stay beautiful, my pretties,
Vee xx

Friday, 24 April 2009

I missed this

Man, I've missed having a place to do random ranting.

So here goes.

Today, is a bad day. It started off okay because I'd lost half a pound since yesterday even though I also had two buttercream-frosted cupcakes (I baked cupcakes to bring into work on Wednesday). And there are no cupcakes left for me at home because I skillfully offered all the leftovers to my aunts, who are determined to eat what they can now, since they're for definite getting the weight loss surgery this summer now.

But, the bad side effect of bringing in the cupcakes, even though I got a marriage proposal from my manager and it's been quoted as "the most important thing to happen this year" in a meeting... Is that the SUPER FUCKING WEIRDO old man (50+) has taken it upon himself to start talking to me, which weirds me out.

A while back he got put on a disciplinary for sniffing a woman teammate's chair. She caught him when she forgot something at her desk and came back to get it.

Then three years ago he sent a friend of mine some expensive flowers to her desk on Valentine's day, even though he'd never spoken to her before (but apparently HAD been talking about her forever to one of her best friends, who he sat next to at the time). This doesn't sound like a big deal but if you ever met him you would understand. He's "weird" in a way that is otherwise indescribeable.

Yesterday though, while I was working overtime and was the only other person left in the office, he came over and started yammering at me. And I swear to god the first thing he said to me was "You're from Calgary right? I know a family from there. I don't know if you'd know them. How big a city is it?" Like are you seriously pulling out the lamest, most retarded question in the world? People always assume just because I grew up in Calgary I know every single person to ever live there. Nevermind that this man is ten years older than my mother. God.

Then today he came over and asked if I was coming in tomorrow for Overtime and when I said no he asked if I lived far from the office. And I had this sense of dread but I told him I live farish, yes. And he said "Well I was wondering if you would bring cupcakes in for those of us who are working?" Seriously. I am not your pack mule 1950's wife, fuck off.

Like bringing in a couple batches of cupcakes for my teammates somehow translates to "she is totally hot for me, let's try lameley to flirt, bwahhaha". SO. NOT. INTERESTED.


And then on top of that, I'm starting to get quite a bad headache, probably due to skipping lunch but whatever. I'm doing better at staying hydrated lately, which is a plus... Just as I realized I'm out of migraine meds (and tried taking 3 generic painkillers instead, but I'm doubtful they'll do anything) one of my boss-supervisor folks came over and asked if I'd pick up our phone line when one of the other women in the team leaves at 2:30.

For those of you who do not know, I work in a pensions office in an adminsitrative role. I use the term "admin" loosely, since I don't actually administer the pensions themselves I just produce and give information out to the people who request it, work that is varying in its complexity. But I don't actually know the first thing about pensions. So having to pick up our phone line that the local contact centre uses if they have questions about our policies, is like putting me into a courtroom and demanding me to adequately defend someone up against a murder charge. I have not the first fucking clue.

Luckily, the woman who is leaving said the only calls she's had to day were chasing some information requests that haven't been sent out yet, and it shouldn't be TOO hard, and there are people in my team I can ask if I'm asked something I can't answer on my own. But I could just really do without the hassle today. My head hurts, I'm tired, and my headache is making me feel sick. All I want to do is curl up somewhere and pass out for a day or two solid, but no.



Sorry, I just really needed to get that out, because I'm irritated.

It's been a while...

This is just a very quick update. Mostly to tell you all how much I suck and how shitty I feel as a result of that. It's a vicious downward spiral.

To make a long story short, the past few weeks I've been ridiculously homesick. I've been depressed and chatting into the late hours of the night with my best friend in the world has just made that more pronounced. No, I don't think I could ever LIVE there again, but I haven't seen my closest friends and my siblings in three years. Yes. Three years. And it's really been getting to me.

My depression has been... bad lately. Not so bad that I can't function and pretend like I'm a normal human being, but bad enough that I have had zero will power. For two weeks, I binged every day straight, and gained a shitload of weight. After plateauing at 188 for a while, I'm back up to 196. Eight pounds in two weeks. It probably could have been a lot worse (you should have seen the shit I was eating, most of it isn't even stuff that I LIKE) but at this point I feel like a failure because my weight loss has been nearly all erased.

I'm turning over a new leaf though, and trying to start over from scratch now. This is a new starting point to me. And it's the perfect time to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT for two reasons. The first is, yes I'm still depressed, but gaining weight has made me MORE DEPRESSED and if I ever want to be happy again I need to get my ass in gear and stop fucking around. I've also booked my tickets for my two-week trip back home in September, so I have that to look forward to - and want to turn up and have my friends go "oh GOD you've lost so much weight, you look amazing!!".

The second motivation is that I'm going on a holiday to Mexico at the end of the year. My body needs to be such that I can wear a bathing suit without breaking down into tears by December. Which is a healthy amount of time to get down to a decent weight - not necessarily a UGW, but a much better weight than I'm at now. This is my major motivation right now, because I'm going to be spending two weeks on the beach it's something I have to do, with a strict, non-negotiable deadline. I guess you could say I work well under pressure.

For now I'm not going to follow any super strict plans. I'm going to aim to hit below 600 per day, and will slowly reduce that back into a structured weekly plan. I know 600 is still pretty high, but the last time I went from a binge-cycle straight into barely eating at all I made myself the sickest I have been in a long time. Hopefully a period of adjustment will help minimize that, but I guess we'll see.

Anyway... I just want to apologise to you guys for being such a shitty shitty person. I'm back now, and I hope you'll welcome me back into your lives.