Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Euphoric - And Shopping!

Starvation is Euphoria.

I feel enlightened. I feel calm and contented. I feel weak, but it’s such a good feeling.

I can feel my body consuming itself.
I'm in such a good mood. Seriously. It's so strange, because my depression is probably a large contributing factor to my whole "disordered eating habits" or whatever you want to call it** but while I'm doing it, restricting or fasting or anything short of eating normally/bingeing... I feel happier. I feel such a strange contentment and almost a sense of smugness. Like, I'm doing this and it's working and.. I don't know. The only problem is, it's never fast enough, as I'm sure you ALL know.

Still, it's only when I severely restrict or am fasting that I feel this way. It seems to go hand-in-hand with the weakness and physical exhaustion side. But, I like those feelings too, the ones that most people say are negatives. I *like* feeling week and tired. I like it when the walk up my 13 stairs to bed at night feel like climbing a mountain.

Or maybe I'm just delirious from having nothing but a handful of Doritos in more than 36 hours. =]

Are any of you guys like this? I know that even if I had the willpower to fast for say, 10 days, 20 days, etc without stopping, eventually the feeling of euphoria would probably wear off and depression would rear it's ugly head. But right now is such a good feeling, it makes me not want to stop.

And I shouldn't stop, not really. So I'm not going to (not at least until next weekend, when I'm going to HAVE TO go to dinner with my family for my birthday, but I'll get a salad or some fish or something). I'm going to restrict and restrict some more and try desperately to really fast.

Today I've had nothing, save for some water and 1 cup of strawberry tea. I just bought a bottle of lemon juice - I might try having some hot, sweet lemon water. Hmm. Anyway. I went to Tesco and got the supplies I need to make some Braised Lettuce (approx 30kcals give or take) [The recipe is now up at my other blog, thanks to my darling dearest K =]] and I'm adding a little tabasco sauce for flavour and a little chopped celery I think. Mmm. It's sounding really yummy.

I also got some sea salt and some lemons and lemon juice to do a saltwater flush. It probably won't be tonight since I'm having the braised lettuce tonight and you shouldn't do it with food in your stomach or you'll just be sick. So I'm aiming at tomorrow or Thursday.

I was originally going to fast yesterday and today so that I felt as thought I'd "earned" some lasagne from my work canteen at lunchtime tomorrow. Instead, I bought a package of sushi which I'm going to nibble on throughout the day tomorrow, and that's all I'm having. It's around 350kcals but that's still not too high, and I figure the lasagne would have had like 600+++ since my canteen cooks everything in oil and grease and more oil =/

Finally, I bought a couple more magazines. Elle and Glamour. Last week I bought Cosmopolitan, Vogue, and In Style. There is some serious thinspiration in these mags, and it helps that I'm a beauty junkie (not that you'd know to look at me, the only thing I've been making an effort with lately is my makeup and kind of my skincare, I desperately need to go clothes shopping, but I'm going to try to wait until I go to Canada because A: it will be cheaper and B: I will be skinner and C: I've got a couple shopping sprees planning with a friend when I go there so I might as well save my money now and blow it on fun times with N in Canada instead.

Such a long post. Originally this was just going to be the first parts about Starvation-Induced-Euphoria but oh well.

I hope you are all having a fabulous day. Love you lots!
Vee xox

**Obese people are not anorexic, not until they reach a healthy weight and KEEP GOING. At least that's how I look at it. I realize I am disordered, EDNOS if you will, but I think it's an insult to the anorexic community to call somebody who weighs 195lbs with a BMI of 31 one of them.

1 comment:

Fenie said...

im feeling just like you at the moment.
Im only on the first day of a 3 day fast, but already i feel so happy =]
not eating anything at all gives me such a sense of power and pride! i love it!

stay strong!