Twenty Eleven

5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.

I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.

On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.

Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.

So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.

This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.

Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.

So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.

Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.

I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?

Whatever.

Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.

Vee xox

Excerpt from a Lunchtime Conversation

“I just took my rent money out, should we just go blow it on alcohol?”

”Hell yes we should!”

”I’ll be all ‘yeah I just took my drug money out and..’ bahahaha drug money?! What the fuck??”

“That’s what the money’s REALLY for isn’t it? The truth just SLIPS OUT THERE!”

”Nonono, ok seriously. So, I got mugged and they stole my drug money—GOD DAMNIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”

“Hahahahaha”

”No ok seriously, I’m doing this yogurt diet with my aunt and the utter lack of solid food is playing games with my head.”

”Really? I couldn’t not eat. Aw bless, you’re so tired! Can’t you have like, a weight watcher’s meal or something? One meal a day?”

”My one meal a day is the SlimFast, haha.”

”Oh man, I couldn’t do that, if I were on FIRE and I was hungry, I’d have to get something to eat first and then sort out the damage from the flames later.”

”Hahah. Ok so ANYWAY, I’ll say I just took my drug money… AAGHHHHH!”

Random conversation. There’s a JM that I work with and he’s pretty epic. (He's also gorgeous and gay and skinny without even trying and I hate him just a little bit) We just had to go up to Tesco at lunch to get another girl/friend in our team at work a birthday present from our workmates. On the way back, the above conversation happened. And I almost died laughing. For whatever reason, I couldn’t say “rent money” and it kept coming out “drug money” about eight times. And I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, haha. So funny.

So, I’ve told a few friends about this yogurt diet I’m doing with my aunt. It’s funny, actually, because the “diet” itself is sanctioned by a surgeon, even though I’m only taking in between 200-500 calories a day (depending on whether I actually HAVE the slimfast, which I didn’t yesterday), it’s completely okay. My aunt actually suggested I do it with her. Yet earlier in the day she told me not to starve myself to lose weight.

Um, okay.

But yeah… it seems that, as long as something is said to be okay by some manner of medical professional, it’s totally alright and nobody will question that I’m eating nothing but two yogurts a day for days on end. I find that hypocritical, but on the other hand I’m glad about it.

Because right now I don’t actually have to HIDE how little I’m eating. I can be as open as I want to be and admit that I’m craving pineapple in a huge way but can’t have any. I can crack jokes when the girl next to me at work asks me to pass her the biscuit tin, knowing full well I won’t and can’t have a single one. I can be honest about how tired I am and that I’ve got a massive headache from low blood sugar.

But it’s encouraged by weight loss surgeons so it’s okay, don’t worry about me!

You know what though… the absolute BEST part about today (apart from the random 4lb weight loss, which I’m not completely expecting to stick because it’s likely 80% water weight) is that I’m not hungry at all. I’m craving random things, but I’m not giving in, and at least the things I’m craving are healthy things. But I don’t see the point in eating when I’m not hungry anyway, regardless of diets and eating disorders. I’m starving, but I don’t feel hunger. I have no hunger pains. The only negative thing I felt in the abdominal area was tummy ache from the milk products making my stomach upset, and even that’s subsided now.

I’ve had 97 calories and I’m not even hungry!

I am very thirsty though so I’ma go get a drink and get some work done.

Ridin’ the starvation high baby!

Yay!

Whoo! Down 1.5 for the week. Yeah, it's not a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction right?

Hope you're all having a nice weekend. Today was a fabulous day in spite of the rain and the lunch with S. I'm in such a good mood =]

Going for dinner at my granny' house tomorrow. The upside is that she usually makes like 4 different veggies so I can get away with eating a ton of brussel sprouts and broccoli and like one slice of meat. So it shouldn't be too bad. She's stopped serving dessert since my aunts had surgery too which is a total bonus.

Totally going to enjoy the extra hour in bed thanks to the time change tonight too. I was so tired this morning I did not want to get out of bed, even though I went to bed at midnight last night and didn't set my alarm to go off until 10 this morning. I've been more ridiculously tired than usual this week though (hell last Sunday night I got less than 3 hours of sleep) so I think I definitely needed to catch up. When it went off this morning though my first reaction was "...REALLY!?" and I thought I'd set it for work time (6:30/7am) by mistake.

Ugh. Going to go find something to do, I'm bored out of my damn mind!

Love ya!

Vee

Update, Drama, Depression, and Plans

Quick update.

I’m hoping to get back into the swing of my daily or more-than-five-times-a-day updates. My internet at home isn’t entirely sorted out but it seems to be working better on my desktop now than it has been on my laptop. This is what I get for getting a Dell, if it keeps it up I’m going to have to complain =/ Sigh.

Anyway. I haven’t been doing fabulous but I haven’t been doing shit either. I’ve been maintaining – which, let’s be honest, is not really good enough is it?

We’ve been having a notgreat time lately and I’ve been stress eating. Even while I recognize the fact that I’m doing it, it’s been hard to stop. Luckily, it hasn’t been to bingey proportions, so my weight is stable, even though I’m still pretty close to where I was when I came back from Canada. I’m going to TRY to just do a weekly weigh in to help calm my stress levels (we all know how those levels jump sky high once you see a higher number on the scale) and seeing weekly decreases might be more motivating than the ups-and-downs that occur from day to day. We’ll see.

So.. yeah. There’s been drama back in Canada, although not to the extent that it usually is. Drama here has been insane. My aunt went back to work a couple of weeks ago, following her surgery recovery time off. I’m sure I’ve written before about this, but for those who don’t know, my aunt suffers from very severe depression, and her psychologist thinks she’s bipolar as well. Because of the way the NHS works with mental illnesses over here though, means that because she was diagnosed and treated as Borderline Personality Disorder back when she was in her teens in Canada, the doctors here have latched onto that label and are basically turning a blind eye to anything else. So instead of being treated specifically for bipolar disorder, they’re still acting under the assumption she’s Borderline, which may not actually be the case.

She was going through a better period after her surgery, she was all around acting happier and seemed to be on the rise. However, after going back to work her mood has plummeted. There have been some major changes in the structure of the area she works in (she’s a manager in a unit that is home to adults with learning disabilities, and works for the NHS/City Council), and since she went back to work it’s been non-stop stress. Although she was told that they wanted her to go back to work on a phased return (which means starting work at only 4 hours or less per day and working back up to full time), they immediately threw her in and she’s been working an hour or so extra every day. In fact her first day back she got a text saying one of her staff members wanted to talk to her and she had to stay for half an hour to listen to this staff member bitch at her. Nice way to say welcome back no?

So she’s been going downhill and hasn’t been dealing great. Then about a week and a half ago, we found out my grandparents (her parents, obviously) were fighting. It was a huge exorbitant battle in which both parties were threatening to leave, and both parties were constantly calling my aunt to bitch about the other. And then the fight stopped being about what their actual issues were, and became about my aunt. My granny dragged my aunt into things and that just set her off worse. I haven’t seen my aunt cry in a LONG time, but my grandmother made her.

Then the icing on the cake was this past Sunday, when my great-aunt (the one who has uncurable blood cancer) held her little family get together. Both of my grandparents were there and acting as if nothing had happened. My aunt and I spoke to my grandfather and he said granny’s been acting absolutely fine with him again now and the whole thing had blown over. My grandmother is of the belief that she is the warm, happy centre of the universe. So, because she’d let it go, everyone else must as well and be happy happy happy again. My aunt, however, is pissed off at the way granny behaved with her and dragged her into their battles when she had more than enough of her own shit going on. But of course, my grandmother never ever thinks to apologise to somebody else, so there’s still tension there.

And of course it was fucking depressing being there on Sunday and seeing my great-aunt and how she’s gone downhill. I have no idea how long she’s got left, except that she’s still having blood transfusions and the doctors had said she should be gone within six months of them stopping. When they stop, I have no clue.

I’ve been depressed as well, but I’ve been hiding it well. For the first time since I moved here I’ve been questioning whether I made the right decision. My trip to Canada was fabulous and a lot more awesome than I was expecting it to be, and I didn’t want to come home yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come home at all. And now that I’m here, it’s just the same old crap day and day out. But I know that if I’d stayed in Canada, I’d be tearing my hair out after an extra week or two, and that living here IS for the best. It just strongly affected me hanging out with my best girlfriend and my best guyfriend and his family. I didn’t want it to end. But right now, I couldn’t live there, not when it means having to deal with all the bullshit and drama constantly going on with my immediate family. I just could not do it. I am, however, going to make a more conscious effort to go out there once a year to see everyone and keep my ties strong.

Life isn’t all bad. I complain about work a lot but I realize I should be thankful. They pay me decently and for the most part my job is easy. But there are times when it’s super busy or I get something really complicated and shitty that I have to sort out, that I hate it. But at least I’ve got a job and I don’t have to work in fast food for minimum wage, right?

I don’t know. I’m trying very hard to see the positive side of things right now, although I readily admit that I often fail at this. Deep down, I’m just not a very optimistic and positive person.

This quick update turned into quite a ramble hm?

Anyway. The plan for this week is as follows:

Eat as little as possible.

That’s it, haha.

Today I’m skipping lunch and having something not too calorific for dinner. Tomorrow no lunch again and we’re going to the cinema tomorrow night so I can probably get away with a small bag of popcorn and nothing else (the last time I had just a little popcorn to eat I dropped a pound and a half, but it was probably a fluke). Saturday I’m going out with S for lunch and a catch up. We’re supposed to be going to an Italian restaurant which probably means pasta, but I’ll go for something with seafood or veggies and not finish it. And then of course, nothing at night at home. Sunday I’m planning on doing as little as possible, just sleeping in and hanging out (I’ve been busy every weekend since I got back from Canada so it’ll be nice to have some downtime) and will keep the calories low. I’m not sure yet whether we’re supposed to be having a family dinner on Sunday, but since it’s the weekend before payday I’m assuming not. I’ve still got some 220-cal meals in the freezer, so it should all be good.

Whoo. Back to business babes.

I missed you!

Monster Update

Hey again everyone!

Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.

First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.

My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.

I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.

So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.

Lulz.

The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!

Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:

· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!

My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!

It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.

The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!

Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!

As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).

Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.

Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!

A Little Bit Basket-Case

I tend to get myself upset and/or worked up over absolutely nothing. That happened tonight.

I went onto facebook, and saw that my sister had tagged me in some new photos of my nephew. Whenever she or my brother upload photos of him, they tag me in them to make sure I see them. So I was going through the pictures and thinking, wow, I'm finally going to be able to see him in less than a week!

And then it kind of hit me that... he'll be 2 years old in November and I've never seen or spoken to him, I've never been able to play with him or hug him or kiss him and tell him that I love him.

And BOY OH BOY did the waterworks turn themselves on. I'm still a little teary now, but not as bad.

I just felt so shitty that, this kid is nearly two and I missed all of the baby and early-toddler stages. I missed the teething and the first smiles and the learning to walk and the first words. I missed so much, and it's really upset me. I feel like I should have made more of an effort and gone to see him sooner. I feel guilty for not being there. For being the absentee auntie.

The thing is, he was born about a month after The Big Breakup and I was a complete trainwreck of a mess for months afterward, so I couldn't really have gone if I'd wanted to. And I couldn't afford it or get time off work until now. But the guilt is still there, in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my throat like acid.

My aunt is probably the best friend I have ever had and ever will have. Our bond is stronger than most people are with their parents. But, I grew up sharing a house with her for several years and saw her pretty frequently growing up until I was about 12, when she moved back to England. I always wanted to be THAT aunt. To be the fun, cool aunt that my neices or nephews could have fun with and joke around with, who would take care of them and be there for them and listen if they wanted to talk, to be the person they felt they *could* talk to. Like my aunt is to me.

But I'm not there. I'll get to see him a handfull of times in the next few weeks, but then I come back to England and it'll be a full year before I can see him again. And I'll just have missed MORE.

So yeah, tonight has randomly been hard. But I want to thank pokerface for being there and listening as I stressed out and for being the voice of reason that helped to calm me down somewhat and see a little more clearly, to realize that the chance to be that person has not passed. I've said it before, but this guy is great and you should all go read his blog.

Hopefully we'll be back to your completely random, rambley, nonsensical, un-seriousness tomorrow. Until then, have a nice night. And give a hug to the people you love because, even though they drive you crazy, they love you, and you shouldn't take that for granted.

6 down, 3 to go

I Started writing this post this morning as I was getting ready to go out, but of course my laptop decided to restart about half a sentence in, to install updates. Fuck you, Vista. Fuck. YOU.

So yesterday's random huge post-fast gain was indeed a fluke, as when I weighed myself this morning the scales showed 203.8, which means as of this morning I've managed to lose exactly 6lbs since last Friday, in six days. I've got until this coming Friday (August 28th) to lose another 4, which I think is achievable if I keep it up.

In the end the two small "treats" at work was all I ate yesterday so that probably helped a little bit.

Today, after getting my hair done (I love it, it's not super different but she cut off like 4 inches and really shortened my layers and chopped it much shorter and layered around the front, and blonderized me again), I met up with S and L and we went for lunch, as planned. Instead of sushi, though, we went to a Japanese noodle bar restaurant (that S and I have gone to before), since L can't stand sushi. He's a plain-fried-rice-with-chicken kind of guy and refuses to touch sushi at all.

Food consisted of a shared order of duck gyoza (dumplings), rice with breaded chicken and some manner of Oriental curry Sauce, and a couple scoops of coconut ice cream. All in all, I don't think it was *too* bad, and it probably helps that it's all I'm having to eat today. Still, I'll probably back up a little bit tomorrow. But, anything quickly gained can be lost quickly, too. That's how I try to think of it anyway.

Anyway, how is your weekend going? Drop me a comment and let me know what you've been up to if you want =] I'll probably post a photo of The New Hair when I get a chance, I really love it, even though I've been trying to grow it and now BOOM half my hair on the shop foor. Oh well. <3

It's just after 9:30 at night here and I'm totally restless. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm craving ice cream or something sweet but luckily we don't have anything sweet in the house. And the truth is, although I'm craving it I'm not actually in the mood to eat it, even though I realize that's a total contradiction.

Haha random interruption. My cat just walked into my bedroom, looked at me and went "Meow-ow-ow." So cute. She's so vocal and random and always talks to me. In this case, she was announcing her presence and demanding that I Scratch her neck, haha.

Anyway. I just really don't think I could even be bothered by the preparation of food at this point, even if I hadn't had the big lunch today.

I'm going to go try to find something to do, which is probably nothing aside from read and channel surf. Fun!

Oh yeah I just remembered, I got a book to read on the plane: Battle Royale (yep, the book the movie was based on! If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it, it's awesome and violent and was apparently banned in Japan for being so controversial and political when it first came out) So I can't wait to start reading it!

Best Thing Ever

(With regard to my previous post about being antisocial I finally plucked up the motivation to write back to my best-friend-since-we-were-6, D, who would be the perfect gay best friend if he were into fashion, beauty, or shopping AT ALL, but as it is he's one of only two or three people who understand my completely jaded, misanthropic, antisocial view of the world, so he'll do.)

Anwyay, I just got an email back from D, and the closing line was "On that note I should go to bed because it is 4:30. Crap, it's 4:30. You are a tremendous distraction."

What does it say about me that that last line is probably one of the best compliments I've received in ages?

More Weekend Plans

Sigh. This 10lbs in 14 days challenge is going to be hard. I didn't see S this weekend but we're meeting up this coming Saturday to hang out one last time before I'm Canada-Bound for two weeks. And, of course, this means going out to eat. Why must we always eat? I guess in this case it's so we have something to do... I mean, I have no money to shop, I'm saving shopping for Canada, and I already told her I can't afford to go out clubbing (either the money or the excess calories because all of my favourite drinks are ridiculously non-ED-friendly) so we cancelled that part.

So, we're going for sushi. And oh god, do I love sushi. I just have to remind myself not to overdo it. 500 cals, 500 cals, 500 cals! I might restrict further than 500 this week just so if I slip up a little on Saturday I've already covered myself.

Right now, I'm craving bananas =/ And celery dipped in peanut butter.

Still, it's 11 and I haven't eaten anything yet. I dunno what I want to do for lunch. Go get some fresh crisp lettuce and maybe make a little salad, or get some wafer-thin chicken (9 cals per slice!) and roll them up with the lettuce? I'm not in the mood for my 10-calorie soup, which sounds bad but is the truth. I don't know if I can be bothered to go up to Tesco though. And it's probably best I don't as I've been known to lose myself in there and buy a ton of snack foods like croissants and fridge raiders (cold chicken bites) and stuff, and I can't afford to do that right now. So I'll probably just settle in for a plain baked potato from the canteen instead.

I'd buy a banana from the canteen but they're expensive and always super brown and yucky.

Hellzyeah v2.0

All hope is not lost!

Weighed myself this afternoon (it's 2 now, I stayed in bed until noon and then went downstairs to chill with my aunts until about half an hour ago haha) and I am exactly 205.8 - so no gain this weekend! How fucking awesome is that?

I was fully expecting to be up like 2lbs after last night. I mostly behaved myself with dinner (only small amounts of rice, ate the lamb out of the main course but left the sauce etc) but I still thought I would gain between that and the alcohol and many cocktails last night. But I'm the same! It feels like a miracle haha. I haven't lost this weekend, but I'm so happy to have not gained, so none of my work this week has been undone. I'm positively euphoric today!

I think we're going to visit my granny in a while (yay I can pick up my package!) and then my aunt's got to go have some pre-op injection into her belly at 5. We're taking her to the hospital and waiting with her until she goes through into the operating theatre tomorrow morning (earlllly) and then J has to go to town I think so if it's not raining we'll go there. She wants to hit Starbucks so I might get a small skinny mocha frappucinno or something. We shall see.

Not much else to write about right now, really. S and L and I aren't going to the cinema tonight. S sent me a text-message this morning asking if it's ok to cancel and I said I'm down with that, since I really can't be bothered. Plus no pressure to get nachos or popcorn or anything with them. So that's an upside.

Short work week this week huzzah! Off tomorrow since my aunt's going in for surgery, and then I'll be in late Tues since my orthodontist appointment is midmorning. Love it!

26 days until I go to Canada. I still have mixed feelings about it, but I'm getting excited for the time off work at the very least =]

Right, I've gotta go get ready to venture out into the outside world, and then I'll get replying back to your comments.

Love ya! And I hope you all had a fabulous weekend too <3

Vee xox

Hellzyeah

I love S and L. Even when I'm not in the mood to have to deal with or be around other people, they always make me have fun.

Went to eat (I had Lamb Dopiaza with a little rice and shared naan bread with L), but instead of sticking to low-cal drinks, cocktails were involved. Although, I can't see them being toooo bad, since they were just like... pineapple juice plus alcohol and such things. I had an alcoholic cherry coke with dinner, which had a shot of amaretto in it. So nice. I know I'll be paying for this for the next few days, but I think it was worth it. I needed a night out.

Especially after the shitty evening I had before. Getting ready to go out was crap. At first it seemed to go well. I finally found my plain black flats, and the jeans I wanted to wear were cleaned and ironed so that was good. But then I couldn't find the top I wanted to wear. And when I did and put it on, I got SO frustrated. The chestal area has like foam cups inserted in between the fabric, and when it's been washed you have to fuck around to straighten out the foam cup things because they get all bunched up. But it was worse than usual this time and I wound up tearing the top off and throwing it on the floor before tearing through my closet. Except, I have absolutely nothing to wear. Everything is either too big or slightly too small for me right now. So I spent a good ten minutes fixing my top.

Then, I did my makeup and then decided I wanted to wear false lashes. I love false lashes <3 Except for tonight. The fucking glue would NOT stick to the lashes, just got all up on my lid instead and dried but sans lash. So three times I tried to stick the lash on my left eye, and three times I had to struggle to get all of the glue off and out of my eyelashes where it had somehow managed to wad up (usually I do not have these issues with false lashes, it's just been one of those nights). It pulled off all of my liquid eyeliner, and some eyeshadow, and my eyelashes were all clumped together. Plus I somehow managed to get the glue into my eye so it was stinging and watering up and blurry as all fuck and then my eyelids were sticking together when I blinked (even though the glue was just put above my top lashes ugh).

By this time I didn't have time to take off my makeup and start over so I wound up using a Q-Tip soaked with makeup remover to take off the liner and mascara and then peeled off as much of the glue as I could and reapplied in the bare area. It didn't look too bad in the end but I was SO frustrated and really did not want to go out.

Then, although my aunt asked me earlier in the afternoon what time I needed to be at my bus stop for, by the time I had to leave she was in bed napping, and since it hadn't been agreed really that she was going to drive me, I didn't want to wake her up. So, I grabbed my stuff and headed out. Of course, my umbrella didn't want to open properly so I had to fight with that for a while before it would open fully, as it was PISSING IT DOWN as usual. Ten feet outside my back door and my flats were full of water. AWESOME.

Twenty minutes of speedwalking and I got to my bus stop. Tired and frustrated as hell (although at least it was some extra exercise!) Didn't have to wait long for my bus, but I think the driver thought I was drunk because I stepped on the bus and then kind of stumbled sideways and I was trying to unfold my weekly ticket, and he kind of nodded at me bemusedly. So when I got off I made sure to say a cheery, clear "Thanks!!" haha.

There were a ton of people in town doing their marketing surveys or trying to sell shit or get donations, so I pretended to be on my phone while I walked to our meeting place haha.

We went to eat and then headed out to do a little bar hopping. It never ceases to amaze me what idiots go out... Morbidly obese chicks in miniskirts, huge guys with skinheads wandering around like they think they're all that and checking out all the skinny hot chicks as if they stand half a chance. But the woooorst is the 50+ year old women who dress in teeny, short outfits (whether they still have a half decent body or not) and trowel on the makeup. It's horrible!

We only stayed out til 11:30 - after eating and alcohol we were all tired haha. I got home about an hour and a half ago. The downside is that the food soaked up the alcohol we had, so I'm not even feeling the slightest buzz, which means the full feeling in my stomach from cocktails and shots doesn't seem worth the discomfort. Sigh.

It'll be ok though. We walked quite a bit tonight, plus I've got time to get rid of any extra gain.

We're going to see The Proposal tomorrow afternoon, after I stop by to visit my granny (and pick up my PunkyPinz mystery package yay!)

Ohh yeah. While we were out, L went to get some cash out while S and I waited in one of the bars for him, and he went to get some money for S too while he was out there. He came back and seemed a bit concerned - apparently he got S's money out fine but after he put in his card and pin and requested money, the machine spit his card out then froze for a few minutes before showing an error message saying "Your card has been retained. Please call your bank" - although it had just given his card back. So he was concerned maybe it was some kind of scam (although surely if someone had managed to bug the machine somehow they'd save the pin numbers AND keep the cards?) and S was stressing because she's currently got like 20 grand in her account, waiting for a check to come out (I think it's the deposit for the house they're buying right now). So, L called the emergency fraud-stolen-card-etc line on the back of his card, to ask for advice, as to whether he should be concerned and to ask if they should cancel their cards or whatever. But halfway through explaining what happened, the fuck at the bank hung up on him! So he's going to call back tomorrow to find out what he needs to do and also put in a complaint about the cock he was on the phone with.

Anyway. I'm going to go to bed... I must be getting old, it's only 1 in the morning and I'm completely exhausted. To the point where I can't really be bothered to go take my makeup off and brush my teeth and stuff before bed. But, because I HAVE to put my retainer in, I'll make myself do it. Sigh.

I've got my three-month retainer review at my orthodontist on Tuesday morning at 10, though, and I'm hoping he'll tell me I don't have to wear it EVERY night anymore. Every other night would be awesome, but we'll see. I know I'll have to wear it for the rest of my life at least once or twice a week, but being able to cut out a couple of nights would be nice. Although, I have to take off makeup/wash face and brush teeth before bed every night anyway so I guess it doesn't really make a difference... we'll see.

I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, and reply to all your comments in the morning too. I've read them already, I just don't have the energy to reply right now without passing out haha.

Also, in case you didn't notice, I reply to all of your comments in my comments... instead of spamming up your entries with my own comments haha. I feel bad going to comment back to your entries, with something entirely unrelated to what you just blogged about, so I do it here instead. ^.^

Goodnight my darlings and happy weekend!

Vee xox

Christmas in July?

Kind of.

At work today one of the supervisor-consultant dudes (who is a wicked egomaniac sometimes and very competitive, by the way) brought up the topic of our Christmas party. Rather than having a party at the office or whatever, it's up to each team to organize what they want to do, and usually the company will give each team a budget of £5-10 per head towards it.

Well, Consultant dude (for the sake of continuity we'll call him C1) has decided he wants to do what another team are doing and book our team in at this hall... It's formal with jazz music and carriage rides and stuff. But the food sounds terrible (not to mention there are 2 vegetarians in my team and no vegetarian dinner options), it's £35 a head... and, to put it lightly, nobody in my team is the "formal" type. I can dress up and act polite and ladylike if I want to, or have to, but I'd rather go somewhere where we're comfortable and I won't get glared at for swearing or bursting into hysterical laughter at an unintentional double entendre (which I am very apt to do). But mostly that these aren't people that are capable of being civilized for longer than 5 minutes. Hell, our last team-do was semi-formal and one of the guys spent the night pretending to take photos of everyone, when really he was taking close-up shots of everyone's cleavage. Which was hella fun, but I can see C1 being a stick in the mud and expecting us to keep it toned down.

On top of all of that, I'm not even here on the date it would be on (December 11th) as I'm in Cancun for two and a half weeks from the 7th of December. So, I said my opinion is that if we plan it before then, I'm in, if not, I don't really care where they book since I won't be involved.

So, he's sent the information sheet around the team asking for other suggestions, as this fancy party went down like a lead balloon. So, everyone wrote a ton of suggestion on it (I just added that I don't particularly mind when it's booked, as if it happens when I'm not here, my input is kind of void anyway, and asked them to try to get it before I go away) and passed it back to him. And he just whined about how all of the suggestions were crap and if he doesn't get to go to the place he wants he'll "be very pissed off."

While we were talking about it earlier, he got his panties in such a twist, it was hilarious. He was like "so what, if we just do a generic team meal out or something, everyone will fuck off at 6 and that's the end of that" and was in a proper huff. I get where he's coming with - he wants a proper Christmas party, and that would rock - but it was hilarious and he was so over the top with it.

So yeah, nothing is resolved at all right now haha. But it's given us some amusement. I think he's going to go on the other team's Christmas party anyway, just so he can go where he wants to without us lol.

Slight change of plan

So, I got home from work and went to get a 10-calorie soup for dinner, only to realize I don't have any left. I have one or two in my desk at work but none at home >.< Soo I had the next best thing out of what I had at home.. 220 calorie frozen shepherd's pie. Which tastes amazing, I might add, and for 220 calories I could probably live on nothing but one of them a day and be happy...

But anyway. That pushed the daily total up to 310. It's no 100 but it's still damn good I think. Tomorrow at work I'm just having grapes again.. I think if I leave them any longer they'll go yucky, and I won't be having them Saturday since ALL I'm having Saturday is the Indian food and whatever alcohol at night. I want to fast on Sunday but since we're all at home it's going to be hard to do it without my aunts noticing. HOPEfully I'll be able to get to the store tomorrow to stock up on some more 10-calorie soups. If not, I've got some oxo chicken stock cubes that are like 12 calories each so I can make a cup of "soup" and pass that off at something. Although my aunt's been known to tell me soup is not enough (even though she herself often just has a 100-calorie cup of soup for dinner anyway? The hypocrisy kills me sometimes)

Still, I'm down 4lbs from the beginning of the week, so I can't REALLY complain =] I'm anticipating another half-pound drop tomorrow and if I can drop another half by Saturday morning that means I'll be down the 5lbs I'd been aiming for. Which is definitely good. Saturday night will probably do some damage but I'm staying positive in my ability to stay strong and not overindulge in the calories. And keep reminding myself that any damage inflicted will easily be erased again next week. =] Luckily, S and L both know I'm trying to save my cash for my trips right now so I'll be able to get out of any other outings other than just wandering around the mall or window shopping in town for the rest of the month. Then I'm off to Canada for two weeks.

It's the trip to Canada that I'm a little concerned about. My mom is already planning to make all of my favourite foods, plus there is poutine there and some amazing ice cream place my best friend V wants to take me to. Everything in moderation, Vee.

Luckily, one of my friends, we'll call her N since that's what her name starts with (I think I'm going to have to put up a legend on my sidebar or something to keep these all straight), that I've recently reconnected with after being out of touch for ten years... I'll be doing a lot of shopping with her, and she's VERY weight conscious. So, it won't look odd when we go shopping and decide to go to lunch and I decide I just want a small salad. And I might be able to hit the gym with her, if you just pay to get in instead of having to have a monthly membership.

See, when we were kids, she was pretty huge. I knew her basically all through elementary school. She was taller than the rest of the kids, but she was also pretty overweight. People used to make fun of her and there were rumours going around the school when we were only 10 years old that she was a member of Jenny Craig. Really shitty, cruel stuff. But we were friends.

Then apparently she busted her ass getting in shape because when I stumbled across her facebook page last year, I honest to God didn't recognize her. I was staring at the thumbnail picture and the "you have 17 friends in common" and thinking "was that N's last name? Oh my god, that is so not the same person!" Instead of the trainwreck she was when we were kids, she looks like a Bollywood star now. She wears designer clothes and looks amaaazing. Plus she's so pretty!

That's what I want. People to look at me in a few months' time and go "...wow is that the same person? YOU LOOK AMAZING" you know? It won't be this time obviously but I'm supposed to go to Canada again next September and that is what I'm aiming for. Shock and surprise and awe.

Anyway. N isn't disordered, unless you consider the fact that she's addicted to food. She had to bust her ass at a gym doing cardio every day for the fat to slowly melt off. She said she's really struggled with her weight, at one point she gained it all back and had to start over, and she fluctuates by about 20lbs at any given time. But she looks amazing. And I am ridiculously jealous.

But anyway, I'm completely off topic, haha. I wish I had her dedication to the gym. Hopefully when I get back from Canada I'll have enough spare money to re-join the gym by work so I can stop by every day for an hour or two before heading home. Just need to get my finances sorted out so I can do it (my gym costs £50 a month haha)

Anyway, today turned out to be a pretty good day even though my plans were changed slightly. Tomorrow is Friday so it's automatically a great day. And while I'm not looking forward to the calories involved on Saturday, I'm very much looking forward to seeing S and L. We get together every week or two, and we didn't see eachother last weekend so it feels like FOREVERRR.

Anyway. Hope you guys are all having a good day. Stay strong!

Vee xox

Saturday Plans

Oh yeah, I knew I had something else to post about.

I got an email from S about our weekend plans and she and her boyfriend, L, were discussing it last night. AND they decided we should make a night of it. So we're going out to eat and then going clubbing and drinking and stuff.

The upside is lots of dancing and good times. And dancing = calories burned.

The downside is sugar shots and yummy cocktails and jaeger bombs that are FULL OF CALORIES.

I'm going to have to try to stick to like vodka and diet coke to keep my cals down or something.

I told him to just back up off my Kool-Aid because I ain’t tryin’ to hear that, G.‏

God, this weekend zooooomed by.

I’ve got a lot to write about the weekend. Non-food-related posts. More “things I did and shit” posts. Assuming any of you are interested.

But I’m at work and I need to whine about work right now instead. I still don’t have the internet at home so my weekend catchup will probably have to wait until tomorrow, depending.

Anyway, work.

Right now we’ve got two weeks to get our hours evened out. Up until now, the company I work for used to run on a flexible working schedule. In that, you were contracted to 140 hours per four-week cycle, and you could more or less work those hours however you wanted, so long as you stuck to the “core hours”. Core hours here were 10-12 and 2-4. Meaning you could come in late and/or leave early up to those times (assuming it’s okay’d by a manager of course) and take up to a 2 hour lunch in between.

We also worked up for “flex days” – which is basically a case of working an “extra” 7 hours and then being able to take a paid day off without using a holiday. Because really, you’ve already worked the hours for the day you’re taking off. We were allowed up to 2 of these per 4-week cycle and it rocked. Because I like time off.

I’ve gotten into the habit of working extra hours toward these days off. Generally speaking I work 8:30 – 5 and don’t take a lunch, which equates to 8.5 hours a day, making up an hour and a half per day.

Of course, from the start of next month, they’re abolishing the flexible working schedule and the days off that go along with it. Which SUCKS.

I had assumed that, since our company’s working hours are changing from 9-5 to 8-6, that the “core hours” would be abolished and people would be able to work varying schedules. Like 8-4 (or even 3 if they don’t take a lunch hour) or whatever.

But such is not the case. I asked my manager if I’d be able to work 8:30 – 3:30 and he basically told me I need to be working 9-5 and if I come in early I need to take a longer lunch to compensate for that or I’ll lose the hours. Which is essentially working for free. And fuck that, I’m not working an hour and a half and not getting paid for it.

I’m in the habit of working through lunch. Primarily because there’s nothing to do at lunch. My closest friend in this country and the only person I’d really like to go out to sit in a park for an hour and chat with, doesn’t work in the same building as me. Well, she might be coming back here but we’ll find that out this week hopefully. So what the hell else am I going to do at lunch?

8:30 is convenient for me. I get up, I leave the house at the same time as J, and she drops me off at my bus stop as she drives past. Of course, J had her surgery and hasn’t been working for the past two weeks, so my aunt’s been taking me instead, even getting up early on her day off to drive me so I could catch the train to Manchester on Friday.

This morning though, I walked to the stop. And I have no idea how far it is but it took around 15 minutes to get to my bus stop, which isn’t too bad. And I guess it’s a nice jump start to the morning. The extra walking is free exercise, so that’s how I’m looking at that. It was nice this morning. I was pissed off that my aunt didn’t bother to TELL ME she wasn’t driving me this morning, because then I would have gotten up a little earlier to make it to work for the same time so I could get my stuff unpacked at my new desk. But whatever. It’s all good.

But this lunch thing. I’m not sure what to do.

Do I bring a book and read at my desk? The problem with that is, if I’m at my desk, whether I’m clocked out or not, people will ask me about work. And if it’s my day on the phone, I can’t sit at my desk and let it ring and expect someone else to come pick it up. So go sit and read in the canteen? I’m sorry, but is that image not just the saddest thing ever? =/ Go read in the park? That I could do, but then it’s prone to raining here oh, I dunno, almost ALL OF THE TIME.

So I thought of going to the gym.

I don’t want to get roped into an expensive contract, though. The gym across from work is the gym I used to go to – and didn’t use during the winter months because it was a hassle and it was dark and whatever. Now that it’s warm, I want to go again, and if I took a 2 hour lunch everyday I’d have time for an hour of workout plus half an hour to shower and change and still have half a hour to kill.

The problem is convenience VS money though.

The gym’s 12-month-contract membership runs at around £55 per month, including my company’s corporate discount. But if I got the flexible one that can be cancelled with 30 days notice, no contract, is more. Probably £65+. And I’m trying to SAVE money, no spend it.

So I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe go for a walk at lunch or read or something. The gym membership isn’t worth it in the grand scheme of things, not when the gym (crappy looking, but still a gym!) a couple miles from my house is only £26.50 or something a month. BIG difference.

I dunno, all of this would be easier if I could switch to an 8-3 work schedule – but that’s not going to happen =/

I’m done whining. I should get some work done now that the fucking systems actually look like they’re working.

Oh, which reminds me. When my manager drew up the new seating plan for when we moved to the new area of the office, he’d put me in the middle somewhere. I asked to be put in a window seat because the fluorescents glare and give me a headache, which isn’t so bad if I’ve got natural light behind me instead. So he switched my seat with someone else, huzzah. Except now that I’ve moved, there is no window. The window that WAS here has been boarded over and the air cooling duct is in there somewhere. So, no window.

Need I say, my head is killing me?

Later chicks.

Oh also, Friday and Saturday showed me 200.0. Sunday was 201.8, showing the big lunch we had at the Hard Rock Café on Saturday. I was up slightly today too, but I can’t remember the number. No big deal, I’ll get past it. Wednesday is supposed to be the first ABC fast day, and I think I’m going to make tomorrow a fast day too. Two in a row, baby!

Vee xox

Ps: thanks for your comments girls, I love it! I’ll try to reply back when I get a chance =]

A Buzz-Induced Post of Ramblings

I'm feeling so productive.

I'm still on a constant caffiene high from the fairly-strong Brazilian coffee I've been drinking all morning. Only 5 cups, really? I thought it was more than that. I am seriously buzzing. I feel a little shakey, whether that be from coffee or no food at all today so far, I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't matter, either way it's not a bad thing.

I've got so much stuff done today. It's just turned 2pm here, and I've finished a full eight-and-a-half hours' worth of work in five and a half. Which means I've now got three hours worth of time to kill and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've got my novel-in-progress in a word document on my work computer, but I'm not convinced caffiene-shakes will let me concentrate hard enough to not suck. My work, well, I just go on autopilot, but writing requires actual cohesive thought and creativity. We'll see.

I tend to shop online when I've got a spare hour, but I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on makeup in the past two weeks so I need to cut back. Or rather, I've cut myself off. I'm not allowed to buy any makeup between now and the start of August, unless I run completely out of mascara or liquid eyeliner (hey man, those are staples that I need every damn day!)

I'm so bored it's ridiculous. I could do MORE work but why? I've replied to all my emails from S, to which each reply is pages long, I might add. I don't even know what else to blog about. I guess I could price up ellipticals and dumbbell sets and pedometers online. I still haven't decided on one from my last advice post, sigh. It doesn't matter since I'm not allowed to buy one right now ayway. On payday next week I might order one, but I'm not sure yet. I need to save money.

I have all my spending money for Canada tied up neatly in my savings account. Unfortunately, the makeup money was spent on my credit card, which I won't be able to pay off until after I've paid for my trip to Cancun in September. My goal right now is to get the £1300 I need saved up so I can pay it off before I go to Canada at the end of August (although August payday is the day before I leave, and I'm working that day, so it'll be a stretch to get to the travel agents.) I might have to withdraw the money and give it to my grandmother to pay off for me. I don't even know what name our trip is under. I mean, I know my granny's friend organized it but I don't even know her last name.

June, July, and August paydays should get me up to the 1500 mark so I should be okay to pay it off in September. And after that I can pay off the full balance of my credit card. I want to note that the balance of my card is NOT all makeup, either, because that sounds very bad. I bought my tickets to Canada online and used my card to pay it off, so that's on there too =]

So excited and dreading tomorrow at the same time. I'm meeting S at the train station around 8:45 to catch a train at 9:11, which means I'll have to get up around 7 to get there on time. Earlier if I have to walk to my bus stop, which will take around half an hour. I'm also praying it doesn't rain because THAT IS ALL WE NEED. Damn you, English "summertime". I curse you!

Dreading it because of three things.

1. Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. It's looking like a lot of it is greasy meats, although the chicken fajita might not be too bad without sour cream and stuff. =/
2. Shakeaway. S has been raving about Shakeaway, which is a place that basically does any flavour milkshake you can think of (Ferero Rocher anyone?) so we're supposed to be hunting one of them down.
3. Krispy Kremes - enough said, I think. I told her about Krispy Kreme doughnuts aaaages ago and there happens to me one in the area we're going to in Manchester. One plain glazed doughnut is 217 calories. The cruller I want is, I think, 257.

Methinks Saturday's going to have to be a fast day.

Wish me luck!

Vee xox

FINALLY!!

So finally I've managed to drop some weight! FINALLYYYY.

First of all, last night I was terrified because when I weighed myself at around 10, it read 207. TWO OH SEVEN. And I know, I know, you're not supposed to weigh yourself at night because you're lightest in the morning, weight fluctuates, blah blah. Usually I'm only around 2lbs heavier at night than in the morning though, so when I saw that number I almost screamed.

But this morning the scale read an even 203, so that 0.6 is officially gone.

My stomach is grumbling and feeling very hungry and it's awesome! So today is going to be mostly just liquids. No food, just lots of coffee and water at work to keep me full. It's a 400 day on ABC, so tonight when I get home (around 6ish tonight) I might have a 220-calorie frozen dinner or something, but that's my lot for the day.

Yesterday was a little bit... sorry, someone at work was just making fun of (rather, trying to imitate) my accent and I've lost my train of thought now, haha.

Oh, right. Yesterday I actually got some shit done. And by "some shit" I mean I unpacked two big boxes of books finally! And even organized them how I wanted them on my shelf, leaving space for some other ones I know I've got packed away somewhere. I also realized, I have a serious book problem. I have like 40 Dean Koontz books, no lie. And I even discovered I have THREE OF THE SAME BOOK. One in the oldschool cover, one in the pretty new white covers all his books seem to be released with now, and one under his old pen name of Leigh Nichols when it was originally published back in the 80s. The last one I knew I was buying a duplicate, but I bought it anyway because of the pen name deal and it was rare. But I had no idea I already owned two copies before that! Jeez.

Of course, me being the book hoarder that I am, I won't be getting rid of any of them. This is coming from the same chick who purposely bought two copies of Chuck Palahniuk's "Haunted" just because they had different covers (one was preordered here in the UK, the other I bought in Canada). I have two copies each of The Shining and at least two other Stephen King books.

I refuse to get a library card because that means I have to give the books back after I've read them. Instead of reading a book for free, I'd rather spent £8 on one and keep it forever. I've only lived here for five years but in that time I've accumulated well over two hundred books.

Anyway, I'm rambling again, I think my homemade-mocha is kicking in WHOO!

Bad news for the day:
- I've been awake since 4:20. Which means I've had less than 4 hours of sleep. But what the fuck else is new, right?
- I've got to take our team's phone line today. I fucking hate taking the phones =/
- I have to stay until 5 today, I've gotten used to leaving at 4 the past couple of days and beating the traffic/busy buses.
- I have to get up early tomorrow to meet S at the train station around 8:45 tomorrow morning. On my day off.

Good news for the day:
- YAY Weight loss!
- CAFFEINE!
- Although I have to get up early tomorrow, I'm still looking forward to Manchester IF I can get some decent sleep tonight =/

Bleh, I've got to go log my phone into our line, talk to you later chickadees.

Vee xox

Fucked-Off and Fabulous

Bad times, you guys, bad times.

But also good times.

I'll start with the bad so that I can cheer myself up by the end of my post. If I Start with the good and end with the bad, I'll just be super pissed off and depressed and ruin the goodness of the day.

So the bad news is that I gained two and a half pounds since yesterday. Had I known I was going to gain so much anyway I might have given in to the urge to binge yesterday. But I guess it's best that I didn't. I'm trying to placate myself with the knowledge that the gain was probably not from yesterday but from Saturday, and the weight loss yesterday was just a fluke before the alcohol calories took over. Easy on, easy off. HAH! Whatever. I'm having a single 10 calorie soup tonight and that is all. I need to get out of the Danger Zone. I NEED TO DO IT.

Bleh. Ok, that's the bad. Here comes the good.

The first is that Saturday was amazing. I met up with my good buddy S around noonish at the mall. We had lunch at Nandos (Starter: Humous with pitta bread. Main: Portobello mushroom and halloumi cheese wrap. Dessert: Strawberry Frozen Yogurt. Let it be known this is the first time I have heard of Frozen Yogurt existing here. It was amazing, but made me long for a chocolate Yogen Fruz with 0 calories. Sigh) and then we headed back into the main mall area to shop. In total we were there around four hours. Then we headed back downtown to meet her boyfriend and get some Starbucks (Strawberries and Cream Frapp) and chat for a couple of hours.

We also decided to go out on the town, whoo! Well, more like her boyfriend L texted me the night before asking if I wanted to go out for some drinks with the two of them, as nobody responded when he asked all their friends out to celebrate her birthday. Then it turned into a night of pub crawling, and they invited a ton of other people but it turned out to just be the three of us.

I had... not a TON to drink, but more than I have in a while. Vodka and redbull. Double archer's and lemonade (Sprite for the non-Brits). Tiger Lily cocktail. Six various shots, plus a straight shot of Tia Maria (I'd never had it before and HOT DAMN!). Jager Bomb. Is that it? I can't remember any more. Oh yeah there was some Southern Comfort and lemonade involved at one point. Hmm.

Anyway, I was pretty drunk, but then before we had the last couple of shots we went to find something to eat. The three of us shared a portion of chips and cheese and donner/kebab/donair meat. I didn't eat a lot but it sobered me up quite a bit and by the time we left I was just feeling tipsy. It was a great night, though. We didn't get to spend enough time dancing in the 80's club, though. And we left before they played Pour Some Sugar On Me, which I requested. But still, it was a good night.

Surprisingly I got ID'd at every pub/bar/club we went into. Except for one. One of the bouncers just asked how old I was and then told me I didn't look 23 as he looked for the DOB on my passport.

In the end I wasn't hungover at all yesterday, which is good (lol S said she was quite hung over after our epic night out). I was really tired and a little dehydrated, but before I went to bed I took two painkillers and a TON TON TON of water, and I think that helped lessen the effects a bit. Thank god. I love going out and I love drinking but I hate hangovers =/ Luckily I've only ever really been hung over three times in my life.

I'm pretty convinced S used to be Ana. At one point we were discussing diets and how we've put on weight since living with family. Mine is with my aunts "family meals" and takeout, which are now a thing of the past. Hers is staying with her grandmother and not having any control over portion size. She'd mentioned before that she used to weigh 6.5 stone (which I calculated out to 91lbs, and she's about 5'3 tall - she's currently a size 10 and looks great, so 2 stone ago I can only imagine how skinny she was. Colour me jealous!). When she was talking about her grandmother feeding her since she's moved back in - she and L are staying with her granny until the sale goes through and they can move into their new house - she said "because I used to have.. problems with my weight... if I don't finish everything that's put on a plate in front of me, people make a big deal about me not eating right." I only half-jokingly said "Jeez people, piss off, I'll starve myself if I want to!" and she just laughed and nodded.

I Was telling her about the milk-yogurt diet J did before surgery and how she lost a stone in 10 days, and her boyfriend said he wanted to do it. And then S asked him "Can I do it? I want to lose a stone" and he told her she's dumb and her ass is fabulous etc, but she can if she wants to. Which again makes me think she's got a history.

I don't want to ask her outright. S is my best friend and I Wish I could confess to her. But I don't want to be wrong and wind up fucking up our relationship. So, I'll just ride the waves and see where they go I guess.

The other piece of good news also involves S, and that she might be coming back to work with me! Right now we work for the same company, but in different departments in different buildings doing different stuff. But she told me on the weekend her contract in the other department is only until July, and it's on a "take it from there" basis, but that she'd prefer to come back here to work with me. Which would be, quite frankly, fucking awesome. So I told her I'd ask my manager / her old manager about it.

I wasn't very subtle about it, I didn't know how to bring it up lol.

"So uh.. Do we have a need for another already-trained member of staff?" he looked at me questioningly, but before he could respond yet I proceeded with "Because S wants to come back"

And almost immediately he said "Yes, tell her we'll have her back!"

He needs to check it by his manager and see what the budget is, if they can pay her a salary, but he said it's a tentative yes and he'll give me a definite answer for her by the end of the day. Fuckin' Awesome!

It would be great to work with her again, it'd give me something to do. The two of us never shut up when we're in the same room. Hell, our internal email conversations stretch on for pages in a single reply.

I think it should be ok to go through... because, when she was a temp here, they offered her a permanent job then. Except, the other department/building had already made her an offer that same morning and she'd accepted it, not knowing this place wanted her too. And by the time her manager here offered, it was too late to go back on the other offer, without looking like a flake. But basically since she left, she's been wanting to come back, and now that her contract is coming to an end in the next few weeks, hopefully it'll all go through. I can't wait.

I mean, I see her outside of work and text/email her all the time, but it'll be great having her back here. And hell, we can "diet" together, since she did say she wants to lose a stone, and I want to lose like, eighty.

So yeah. I'm fucked off because Saturday seems to have caught up with me and the weight gain is very, very unwelcome. But I've got until Friday to starve off a couple pounds. Friday S and I are off to Manchester for the day and we're hitting the Hard Rock cafe, but it shouldn't be TOO bad. After that we don't have any plans for eating out, just things like bowling and going to the cinema, so it should be okay.

I'm trying to stay positive. Whoo, go me.

Hope you had a nice weekend, ladies!

Vee xoxo

ps: sorry for the random ass post yesterday. I was trying to do an update on my mobile phone but the text field for the actual post itself wasn't working. Fucking thing. I want an iPhone. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on my current contract and can't upgrade until next May. Suckage.

Operation: Door Slam

Was a failure.


My aunts didn't say anything about me being noisy this morning. But yesterday when I was woken up I put my facebook status as "V... has a monster friggin headache and is not happy about being woken up while trying to sleep it off =/" and today my aunt commented and said "we are allowed to have guests over in our own home!"

So tonight nobody said anything (I checked this at work before I came home) but while we were in the car I was laughing about what some mutual friends had written on one of my status updates last week. And my aunt commented that "Yeah I replied to yours with this" and laughed. So I was like "Yeah well it wasn't the guests that woke me up." Which she should have known.

Because last night I SAID to her "She woke me up banging the bathroom door last night" but tried to make it into a joke by saying I really needed to get up and do my hair anyway. Just because I hate conflict and don't want to start an argument with my aunt...

Anyway so today she was like "well then what did wake you up?" and I said "the bathroom door banging." Conveniently J kept out of this entire conversation even though she was driving the car we were in. And then my aunt said (half-jokingly, she always says things that annoy her half-jokingly, so I never know HOW Serious she is about shit but whatever) "You're a little bugger for making noise at night, especially if you have your earplugs in!"

Of course, I know I NEVER make noise at night. It's only maybe once a week (if that) that I even get up to use the bathroom at night with my earplugs in. And even if I do get up my bedroom door is gay and sticks and bangs when you OPEN it, no matter how careful you are. You have to force it out of the jamb, in part I think because the carpet and underlay in here is a little too tall for the door so it sticks. Anyway. When I close my door and the bathroom door however I am always SO FUCKING QUIET. So I can only assume she was using this morning's noise to bring it up, since I haven't made any noise in months and my aunt hasn't brought it up in months. But of course somehow "the two bangs I made this morning on purpose" turned into "I bang every single night multiple times" which is bullshit.

Of course again I just ignored it because I didn't want to start a fight. I should have gone on about how ACTUALLY I make an effort and it's J who wakes me up EVERY NIGHT. I usually tend to go to bed earlier than them due to my insomnia. It sounds like a contradiction but I always figure, the earlier I get to bed and eventually fall asleep, the most cumulative hours I'll have stacked up by the time my alarm goes off, in between waking up a billion times. And Every Single Night J bangs around in the bathroom.

So, I was too much of a pussy to turn it into a fight this afternoon.

It doesn't help that they got me a really nice silver charm bracelet with two charms (a union jack / UK flag, and a dolphin) for my birthday and let me open it today even though it's not my birthday until Tuesday. Now I'm looking forward to adding charms =] So I couldn't be a bitch, sigh.

Anyway, they're going away tomorrow and I'll have a big quiet house all to myself for two weeks. Awesome.

And also, the rest of my ED books and stuff came today =] So I've got my 200 Under 200 book which I'll start transcribing to my ED-Foodblog this weekend whoo! And two more tarot books and my new Wiccan Oracle Cards which are pretty awesome - the card feels a little flimsy but they're so beautifully illustrated so I love them.

And we spent half the day at work doing tarot readings - I thought I'd be in shit because half the team was using my "communal" cards (I only have one deck that I'll let other people use, the rest I'll let people shuffle for readings but won't let people "play" with them) and trying to do readings for themselves. And no work got done for like two hours. But then my manager had me show him how to do it and was all enthusiastic for me to show another guy / supervisor dude in my team who sits next to him, so obviously he didn't mind, which rocks. I really like my manager =] He looks a little bit like a shorter Johnny Depp, too

Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to try to get to sleep early - my aunts are waking me up at 5 tomorrow morning so I can say goodbye before they leave - so I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

Muchlove!

Vee xox

Dream of Freedom

I've just been chatting over MSN to a friend of mine, who we shall call R. Because it is his first initial and I'm pretty sure we don't have an R in our story yet =]

Anyway. He's... I don't want to say a hippie type but it's probably the best way to describe him. He's all dreadlocks and political opinions and reefer. But that isn't all he is. He's very intelligent and very wise beyond his years, even though he's only a year older than I am. I find there are very few people these days that I can actually have a real, meaningful conversation with, and even fewer people that I can be my completely real self around. So many people don't appreciate certain sides of my personality and sometimes, although I still consider myself an individual and don't really care much what people think of me, I find myself editing out the pieces I know people don't appreciate. Like the swearing or the constant sarcasm or the fact that I'm a mean, nihilistic, cynical bitch who has zero faith or respect in humanity, and laughs her ASS off at dead baby jokes.

R gets all of these parts of my personality and I think that's why we get along so well; in many ways, we're pretty similar people.

We met when he came into my team at work as a temp a little over a year or so ago, and I made up some training notes for him and the other new person to use. We didn't talk a GREAT deal at the time, because I was pretty new to the team myself and can be introverted and shy when the mood strikes me, and he's the same way. He told me later that he's the kind of person who wraps up who they really are and doesn't really let himself loose around people he doesn't know. Ironically, it was his last day here, the day before he left to go into a much better job that his immense artistic talent was much more suited for, that those walls broke down. We talked and we joked and it was awesome. We clicked like old friends. And then, of course, he left.

We have kept in touch though, talking on occasion over facebook but more often by chatting on MSN. Our conversations vary between meaningless chatter about our day or a video game, to more deeper, introspective stuff that forces us to really think. And it's nice to have that variety, you know?

But one major difference between R and myself is that he is so much more free, so much more... independent. He sees what he wants and he charges ahead to get it. And I respect him SO much for that, I don't think he realizes.

He's planning on moving to Korea, and just now told me that he'll have to put it off for a while because when you land in Korea they do blood tests, and he said he would be deported as soon as they found traces of cannabis in his system. This in and of itself is a huge deal, and a step I wish I was brave enough to take. He's moving to Korea ON HIS OWN. I could never just take a leap and move to a completely foreign country all alone. Yes, I moved from Canada to England once I turned eighteen, but that is so not the same thing. I had a firm support net here, and moved in with family immediately. My family supported and continue to help support me. If I didn't have them here, I would not have moved, it's that simple.

But while he's waiting to go to Korea, he's going hitch-hiking and backpacking around Europe. On his own. And again, that is something I really admire about R. That he's fearless and just goes ahead and does these things. Sometimes he feels much wiser and more worldly than I am and I feel embarassed, because he's only one year older than me. And surely that one year doesn't make THAT big of a difference, does it?

R is an old soul. That's the only way I can think to describe him.

Anyway. He asked if I'd like to go along with him, and you know what? I would, very much. I would love to drop everything and get a bag of stuff and just leave. To see the world (Europe at least) and not from a tourist-in-a-hotel perspective. It's so much more REAL to do the backpacking trip instead of spending several thousand on booking a hotel and first-class flights. It's something I would love very much to do.

But I can't. I have so many other things holding me back, strings tied around me and anchoring me here. To my home and to my job. Things I can't just drop, not without a lot of planning in advance. I'd like to think that if I didn't have so many obligations and things I need to do in the next six months, I'd just go. But the truth is, I don't know if I would, if I could LET myself. Maybe it's not my life and my plans and obligations, but myself that holds me back.

He's said he might be screwed because if things don't go well he has no home or job to come back to, but I've told him I've got a spare bed he's more than welcome to if he needs somewhere to sleep, he could probably get a temp job back here again. But I have every faith that he'll be just fine, that things will be amazing and he'll have the trip and experiences of a lifetime.

So right now, I guess I'm a little sad. I'm wishing him all the best on his trip and hope he stays in touch. But right now I find myself mourning that little piece inside of me that maybe I never had to begin with. That piece that is ready, able, and willing to embrace freedom and just let go of all the restraints holding it back.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person.