Thursday, 22 October 2009

Update, Drama, Depression, and Plans

Quick update.

I’m hoping to get back into the swing of my daily or more-than-five-times-a-day updates. My internet at home isn’t entirely sorted out but it seems to be working better on my desktop now than it has been on my laptop. This is what I get for getting a Dell, if it keeps it up I’m going to have to complain =/ Sigh.

Anyway. I haven’t been doing fabulous but I haven’t been doing shit either. I’ve been maintaining – which, let’s be honest, is not really good enough is it?

We’ve been having a notgreat time lately and I’ve been stress eating. Even while I recognize the fact that I’m doing it, it’s been hard to stop. Luckily, it hasn’t been to bingey proportions, so my weight is stable, even though I’m still pretty close to where I was when I came back from Canada. I’m going to TRY to just do a weekly weigh in to help calm my stress levels (we all know how those levels jump sky high once you see a higher number on the scale) and seeing weekly decreases might be more motivating than the ups-and-downs that occur from day to day. We’ll see.

So.. yeah. There’s been drama back in Canada, although not to the extent that it usually is. Drama here has been insane. My aunt went back to work a couple of weeks ago, following her surgery recovery time off. I’m sure I’ve written before about this, but for those who don’t know, my aunt suffers from very severe depression, and her psychologist thinks she’s bipolar as well. Because of the way the NHS works with mental illnesses over here though, means that because she was diagnosed and treated as Borderline Personality Disorder back when she was in her teens in Canada, the doctors here have latched onto that label and are basically turning a blind eye to anything else. So instead of being treated specifically for bipolar disorder, they’re still acting under the assumption she’s Borderline, which may not actually be the case.

She was going through a better period after her surgery, she was all around acting happier and seemed to be on the rise. However, after going back to work her mood has plummeted. There have been some major changes in the structure of the area she works in (she’s a manager in a unit that is home to adults with learning disabilities, and works for the NHS/City Council), and since she went back to work it’s been non-stop stress. Although she was told that they wanted her to go back to work on a phased return (which means starting work at only 4 hours or less per day and working back up to full time), they immediately threw her in and she’s been working an hour or so extra every day. In fact her first day back she got a text saying one of her staff members wanted to talk to her and she had to stay for half an hour to listen to this staff member bitch at her. Nice way to say welcome back no?

So she’s been going downhill and hasn’t been dealing great. Then about a week and a half ago, we found out my grandparents (her parents, obviously) were fighting. It was a huge exorbitant battle in which both parties were threatening to leave, and both parties were constantly calling my aunt to bitch about the other. And then the fight stopped being about what their actual issues were, and became about my aunt. My granny dragged my aunt into things and that just set her off worse. I haven’t seen my aunt cry in a LONG time, but my grandmother made her.

Then the icing on the cake was this past Sunday, when my great-aunt (the one who has uncurable blood cancer) held her little family get together. Both of my grandparents were there and acting as if nothing had happened. My aunt and I spoke to my grandfather and he said granny’s been acting absolutely fine with him again now and the whole thing had blown over. My grandmother is of the belief that she is the warm, happy centre of the universe. So, because she’d let it go, everyone else must as well and be happy happy happy again. My aunt, however, is pissed off at the way granny behaved with her and dragged her into their battles when she had more than enough of her own shit going on. But of course, my grandmother never ever thinks to apologise to somebody else, so there’s still tension there.

And of course it was fucking depressing being there on Sunday and seeing my great-aunt and how she’s gone downhill. I have no idea how long she’s got left, except that she’s still having blood transfusions and the doctors had said she should be gone within six months of them stopping. When they stop, I have no clue.

I’ve been depressed as well, but I’ve been hiding it well. For the first time since I moved here I’ve been questioning whether I made the right decision. My trip to Canada was fabulous and a lot more awesome than I was expecting it to be, and I didn’t want to come home yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come home at all. And now that I’m here, it’s just the same old crap day and day out. But I know that if I’d stayed in Canada, I’d be tearing my hair out after an extra week or two, and that living here IS for the best. It just strongly affected me hanging out with my best girlfriend and my best guyfriend and his family. I didn’t want it to end. But right now, I couldn’t live there, not when it means having to deal with all the bullshit and drama constantly going on with my immediate family. I just could not do it. I am, however, going to make a more conscious effort to go out there once a year to see everyone and keep my ties strong.

Life isn’t all bad. I complain about work a lot but I realize I should be thankful. They pay me decently and for the most part my job is easy. But there are times when it’s super busy or I get something really complicated and shitty that I have to sort out, that I hate it. But at least I’ve got a job and I don’t have to work in fast food for minimum wage, right?

I don’t know. I’m trying very hard to see the positive side of things right now, although I readily admit that I often fail at this. Deep down, I’m just not a very optimistic and positive person.

This quick update turned into quite a ramble hm?

Anyway. The plan for this week is as follows:

Eat as little as possible.

That’s it, haha.

Today I’m skipping lunch and having something not too calorific for dinner. Tomorrow no lunch again and we’re going to the cinema tomorrow night so I can probably get away with a small bag of popcorn and nothing else (the last time I had just a little popcorn to eat I dropped a pound and a half, but it was probably a fluke). Saturday I’m going out with S for lunch and a catch up. We’re supposed to be going to an Italian restaurant which probably means pasta, but I’ll go for something with seafood or veggies and not finish it. And then of course, nothing at night at home. Sunday I’m planning on doing as little as possible, just sleeping in and hanging out (I’ve been busy every weekend since I got back from Canada so it’ll be nice to have some downtime) and will keep the calories low. I’m not sure yet whether we’re supposed to be having a family dinner on Sunday, but since it’s the weekend before payday I’m assuming not. I’ve still got some 220-cal meals in the freezer, so it should all be good.

Whoo. Back to business babes.

I missed you!


fleur said...

Hey.. sorry you've been having such a miserable time.. hopefully your optimistic side will emerge soon and things will get better. glad you managed to maintain and that you're back! much love

♥nervosa♥ said...

this is a general comment
Heyya :)
I'm pretty new here but this is my blog:
It's basically my way of promoting the use creative therapies to treat eating disorders.
I'd love it if you checked it out! and if you like it, follow it <3


PS- I looooove your blog title :) Ted Leo is amazzzing.