Twenty Eleven

5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.

I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.

On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.

Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.

So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.

This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.

Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.

So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.

Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.

I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?

Whatever.

Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.

Vee xox

I can't pay my rent but I'm fuckin' gorgeous

Sigh. New favourite song, and I must share it with you all.

I went to see Lady Gaga on Friday night, and her opening act Semi Precious Weapons were amazing and hilarious and the lead singer is sexy as hell in all his made-up glory. He was also insane thinspo because holy shit the legs on that man went on forever and I'm sure he didn't have an ounce of fat on his body.

Click here to see the video for their self-titled song

I can't stop singing it.

The only problem is that it's not really true for me. I *can* pay my rent, but I'm not fucking gorgeous.

One day.

So anyway, as of yesterday I was down a total of 4.2lbs. Yeah that 4lb loss in a day stretched into like three, and then my friend's barbeque was on Saturday and her boyfriend kept making me sample things. Still, I didn't eat a huge amount and maintained Friday's loss through to yesterday. Which was probably aided by the fact that I had a monster headache all day Saturday (and was running on very little sleep) and wound up heading home after 3 hours, which in turn cut down my alcohol caloric consumption to just one drink (pineapple juice, malibu and peach schnapps - which was amazing and summery by the way).

I didn't have time to weigh in today (rather than leaving at 7:30 as per the norm during the week, I had to get up early to leave just after 6:30, after another sleepless night and therefore dragging myself around like a zombie and almost making myself late over stupid shit like not being able to find the hair elastic I used last night so that I could brush my teeth and wash my face this morning etc) so I have no idea where I stand right now.

Regardless, I have a yogurt in my bag and that is all I'm having until I get home. Whoo!

Also, I went shopping yesterday. I seriously have a problem. Here I am, telling myself that I can't afford to buy new clothes yet, I have to wait until I get paid or possibly until I'm in Canada when I will have money TO spend on whatever I want. Then I went to the mall for the weekend's Starbucks (200 calories worth of skinny mocha frapp), needed to go to Paperchase to buy one thing (a mug to keep at work for my green teas and coffee) and wound up spending about £200. £43 and change in Paperchase. £105 in Claire's on tacky jewellery that I thought was too adorable to pass up, and some nail art decal stickers. Another £48 at Clinique on makeup remover and a night cream. And then £12 on a Harley Davidson mug for my aunt as a present since she wanted it.

So, I could have bought a couple new outfits, rather than fifty pairs of earrings and a calculator with Noodle Bear on it. Although, the earrings are fucking adorable, as are the Noodle Bear stuff I got at Paperchase. The only problem is that I'm deluding myself and making plans that aren't going to happen.

See, I bought this adorable Noodle Bear (srsly, google it, adorable) case with a little fork and spoon in it, again for work. And a set of four plastic lidded nestable bowl things. That I fully intended to start bringing lunch into work in, Japanese style, because predictably I am obsessed with Japanese culture.

But even as I trawled the internet for low-calorie low-fat "Bento" recipes (Bento is the Japanese lunchbox, usually made up of 1/2 carbs, 1/4 veggies and 1/4 meat or protein and the average sized 500ml box made up this way is usually *around* 500 calories) I realized that this isn't realistic. Unless I'm going to fill a bowl with negative calorie fruits and veggies and a tiny pot of fat-free vinaigrette to dip it in, this just isn't something I can really do. Even if I were go out and buy the ingredients and spend the time needed at night to cook and in the morning to assemble everything, I wouldn't really be able to eat it. The only way it would be half way acceptible is if I made it the only meal of the day, but I doubt I could get away with having a "decent" lunch and nothing at home - I would inevitably be forced to make something else to eat in the evening.

So, I don't know. I just don't know.

If only I were one of those people with amazing metabolisms who doesn't gain weight at all regardless of what they eat. Sigh.

ANYWAY, how was your weekend??

Of Flukedom?

I was right when I said that yesterday’s random 4lb drop was a fluke. Today, I’m the same weight, no gains or losses, not even in the decimals. Which I guess makes yesterday’s fluke less of a fluke. 4lbs over 2 days is much more reasonable than 4lbs overnight, right? So hopefully it’ll stick and the loss will continue tomorrow.

Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.

Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.

In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.

Woah x2

Today has kind of started off awfully overall, and yet I find myself in a better mood than I should be.

I’ll start with yesterday. Starvation headaches are fail, and yet completely worth it because it kind of tells me that I’m doing something right. Is it sick that I’m filled with a sense of pride when my body is suffering? My head was killing me when I got home from work, so I had my second (and final) yogurt of the day, took 3 paracetimols and went straight to bed. I slept from six to ten, then got up to get ready for bed, took 2 more painkillers and went straight to sleep until my alarm went off at 8 this morning.

I’m still absolutely exhausted. I’m almost always tired anyway, but at least now I can take it as a result of not eating enough, which places a positive spin on it.

Anyway, last night before I went to bed the second time, I asked my aunts what time they were leaving in the morning so I knew what time I had to get up so that I could get a ride down to the main road. J said 6:45, my aunt said 8:30, so I figured I’d go with my aunt and just get into work an hour later than normal. No big deal, since I’ve got to work an hour later tonight anyway, so my hours will still be on target.

So this morning I got up at 8, brushed my teeth and washed my face etc, and weighed myself. I’m down 4lbs from yesterday. Count em. 1, 2, 3, FOUR. Huzzah! I did a little victory dance and headed back to my room to finish getting ready for work, then realized my aunt wasn’t in bed.

Usually my aunt and her partner get up just after me, since I always seem to set my alarm 5 minutes earlier than they do (or my phone’s clock is five minutes faster than their alarm clocks). So I went downstairs to dump some Pepsi Max from last night and my aunt was by the back door. She asked me what time she told me we had to leave, and I said 8:30. And she was like “No, I have to be there by 8:30.”

So, I had to run upstairs and quickly get ready, and I feel naked and fugly as hell because I have next to no makeup on my face (mascara, powder, and some tinted lip butter). Ugh. Managed to get ready in 10 minutes though.

Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted and I’m empty and I have a 94 calorie fat-free yogurt in my bag for lunch in two hours and that is all. I’m feeling positive – at least, I would be if I were awake enough to feel much of anything haha.

And, I logged on here to see I’ve hit 100 followers on my blog. How is that even possible?? I want to say a huge thank you to each and every one of my followers, I love you all and you guys are the whole reason I keep coming back here. <3

So… here’s to Day Two. And many more losses such as this in the foreseeable future.

Daddy Issues

God. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had half a minute to sit down and listen to myself think.

I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.

After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.

I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.

He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.

He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.

He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.

I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.

I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.

For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.

Manic!

Wow, sorry I haven't had the time to update my blog =/ I am still here, things have just been hectic and insane, and I'm feeling completely bipolar right now. I'm going straight from feeling deeply, horribly depressed, to feeling absolutely great. It's probably the lack of real food, since my descent into restriction has been going pretty well. I'm making a point of not weighing myself right now though, because I want to concentrate on restricting numbers and not scale numbers, lest I obsess to much and just depress myself even more.

But, there's a bit of a change of plan. My 40 day plan isn't going to be going ahead right now, I'm changing it up instead. My aunt is, once again, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, but on the weekend she mentioned that she's going to do the milk-and-yogurt diet that she did presurgery to see if she can lose some damn weight. So I said, I'd do it with her, but supplement a Slimfast shake in, since I physically cannot stomach drinking milk, and she was completely fine with it.

The actual diet calls for 2 fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk a day, and nothing else aside from whatever sugarfree beverages you want - ie: water and diet pop and not much else. So to begin with I said I'd do it with 2 yogurts and 3 Slim-fast shakes (I had no intention of actually having 3 shakes in a day, but have to "keep up appearances") and my aunt actually said "I don't think you even need three, one or two is fine). So, okay. I'm in.

Essentially, this means that the calories will be around 500 ish a day, and there will be NO solid food involved. The diet is to last ten days, at which point I'm going to try to get in a "fast" day (with the ever watchful women in the house, this seems harder and harder, so I'm looking forward to their two weeks away in May), and then I'll decide what to do from there. I still want to do 2468, but I might see if I can get away with doing the 10 day milk-yogurt diet again without drawing TOO much suspicion. I mean hey, her surgeon even said "normal people" - those who aren't undergoing weight loss surgery - can do the diet for the results. So I mean, a doctor has basically said it's totally fine and even healthy to do this. Which makes it seem bizarre, like it's cheating, even though at 500 calories a day, it is still classified as a Starvation Diet. And one without any solid food at all.

I know, I keep changing my plan, but with my family being so effing watchful I have to be careful and do what I can. At least with this diet my aunt seems totally down for me doing it with her, so it's a step. I just need to go shopping tonight or tomorrow for supplies. Until I get a stock of yogurts and SlimFast drinks, I'm going to be on low-calorie soups for all of my meals. 10 calorie soup for lunch. 100 calorie cup soup for dinner.

I find it retarded though, that if I were to have cup soups or something I'd get told I'm not eating enough, yet it's perfectly fine to have a SlimFast and two yogurts and nothing else.

Whatever. More later, I need to tell you about my night out on Friday. I thought it was gonna suck but it was awesome in the end, which is probably why I've been in such a great, upbeat mood all weekend. =]

Stay beautiful my lovelies!
Vee xox

The ball's in my court...

But I'm not even sure whether I want to play.

Can Open. Worms Everywhere.

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.

I just messaged my father back on Facebook.

In case you're not sure what the hell I'm on about, I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 6 years old, when he told my mother he didn't want anything to do with me. Then out of the blue, he sent me a message back in November just saying "Hi. I just joined today and there you are." and nothing else. After much deliberation over how to react – should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I tell him to fuck off? – I sent a completely neutral message back, just saying “I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you.”

Neutral. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, letting him say whatever it is he wants to say, yet holding my own cards to my chest and not reacting either positively or negatively.

He didn’t reply. Which pissed me off but whatever.

For some reason, today I was fucked off more than usual. So, I opened up the old message, and replied to it with the following:

“Wow, I'm so glad you contacted me for this most fulfilling conversation.

If you have something to say to me, then just man up and say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Next time you get the urge to waste my time - say, in another 18 years or so? - do us both a favour and don't bother.

I can't believe I actually thought maybe you had some kind of interest, but hey I guess that's my bad. I accepted a hell of a long time ago that I'll never have a father, that the word "dad" might as well be a word from a foreign language that I'll never use, so feel free to go back to pretending you don't have a daughter.

-[my real name]”

I wasn’t expecting anything back, but immediately he sent a new message as response. What did it say?

“You are right”

That is it. You are right. I know I’m fucking right.

So rather than just leaving things as they are, I have to go and open that can of worms even further by demanding to know “So, what do you want from me? Why bother messaging me in the first place?”

The truth is, I don’t know if I even care. I’m so out of touch with my own emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. To me, it feels like nothing. But any normal person would be feeling something. Wonder. Trepidation. Anger. Upset. But all I feel is a mixture of nothing, and being fucked off at being fobbed off. I’m not anxious as to what his answer might be. I don’t know if I’m even curious, I’m just pissed off at his non response.

He hasn’t replied yet, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t. I don’t need another asshole loser non-father in my life. I have more than my share in my mother’s husband. I wish I hadn’t bothered answering him to begin with.

It was like trying to punch someone in the face for being a jerk, but then slipping on the backswing and banging your own head against the ground.

Explanation?

After the string of previous posts on here, I’m pretty sure none of this is going to come as a surprise to you, and you’ve probably already guessed, but the whole reason I was away for so long was because of how depressed I was.

Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.

Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.

I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.

So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.

But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.

That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.

What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.

Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.

So here I am.

Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.

I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.

This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.

And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.

I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.

Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.

Updates!

Ok, just as I loaded up Blogger to post this, I opened up the Chococat 2010 Diary that I bought to write daily calorie stuff in, AND IT SMELLS LIKE MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE.

That is ONLY awesome because it isn't making me crave it.

Anyway.

Today wasn't a great food-day. I definitely went over the 300 cals I was allotted for Day 3, the Sunday Dinner notwithstanding there was ice cream for dessert and J assumed I wanted a ton so she gave me a full bowl full Fuck, I love ice cream. So that was my weakness for today, I ate more ice cream than I should have.

I was toying with the idea of changing plans and starting ABC again tomorrow, but for the sake of a few calories it isn't worth restarting. Not least of all because the totals are already written in my diary! I mean, tomorrow is a 400 day and the day after is a 500 day anyway, so for the sake of "restarting" I'm practically on the same daily caps anyway. So, tomorrow remains Day 4 =]

Didn't get a chance to weigh in this morning, as I woke up late and was rushing around for when my grandparents turned up for dinner. Probably up slightly as I had a few chips (fries) and part of a slice of garlic bread last night at Bingo, but not by much.

Tomorrow's plan of attack!

Breakfast: Apple with cinnamon and Splenda: 80
Lunch: 10-kcal Soup: 10
Dinner: Weight Watchers' Frozen Meal: 300
Total: 3809

Which means I should be just on target for the day. =]

It makes me happy to restrict and plan within an allowance and hit it!

I sound really upbeat today, and I'm making an effort to try to be more positive in general (it's another resolution for 2010, but I'm not sure how long it will last). But the truth is that right now I'm fantasizing about falling in the ice and snow and breaking my leg in three places so I won't be able to go to work for a few weeks.

And then I get really disappointed that it won't happen.

I think I'm more depressed than usual today because I had an amazing dream last night. I dreamed I met this gorgeous, amazingly sweet guy and we were hanging out and doing day to day things together but it was so fucking nice. And then I woke up and remembered that I've been alone for a year and a half. I haven't been laid in two weeks short of two YEARS. And my depression over my loneliness just got me depressed all over again about everything. This whole bullshit with my job just makes the past four years working for this company a waste. Four years I COULD have been doing something with my life instead of going nowhere fast. That I'm stuck at square one again and have nothing but a 5 thousand pound credit card debt and a broken heart to show for it.

So. Happy New Year.

Let's make 2010 the Year Of Change.

(comments to come tomorrow)

Happy New Year! & Day One

So, back into the ABC world I go.

But before I get into that, last night!

Last night was pretty awesome. My makeup looked fabulous, but my camera wouldn't take a decent picture, nevermind the fact that my face looked effing HUGE in all of them. Sigh.

But anyway. At first I was really not looking forward to going out. I was exhausted and I'm already basically broke and payday isn't for another 3-4 weeks. Plus, the place H and S2 decided to go was horrible. For some reason, before heading to the gayclub that was the night's destination, they decided they wanted to start off in this really grungy area full of hobos and chavs and dirty old men. The first pub we went into had karaoke on, and a group if about 6 uber-chavvy guys and this woman who wasn't quite all there mentally kept trying their best to DESTROY THE WORLD with their vocals. It was horrible but kind of amusing. Who knew the chav-dance was derived from the ever-terrible dad-dance?

From there we went to another pub, which was more of the same crap, but less karaoke and more dirty old men and Motown music that kept skipping.

Finally got to the gayclub and in the end it was a decent night out. A friend's partner somehow managed to get me cage-dancing with her at one point. Apparently my aunt got it on video, BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I hit my Most New Year's Kisses last year... Two lesbian friends of ours, H's husband, and some random gay dude I have never met. This adorable drag queen came over to give me a hug too, and she was so sweet. She looked good, unlike a lot of bad crossdressers that tend to frequent that place, but seemed really shy and quiet and was mostly sat on her own. She danced with us for a while before we left.

It was a night of revelations too. While we were sitting with some drinks after the dancing and just before leaving, my aunt turned to me and asked "V, what's your opinion on men dressed in women's clothes?" And I just shrugged, you know, to each their own. I don't care. I'm friends with drag queens, my best guyfriend is gay, and my sister is marrying a crossdresser. It's all good. Well apparently our buddy S2, H's hubby, occasionally cross-dresses. And I guess he was scared about how we would take it. He told my aunts after much hesitation but in the end he couldn't bring himself to tell me and got my aunt to do it. Which is weird, I suppose maybe he wasn't sure how we'd react and what I'd think. Pff, whatever.

Of course now we've got plans to take him out on the town in full regalia and I'm on Makeup Artist duties. Which actually sounds like a shitton of fun.

The downside is he has better legs than any of the women in the club. Bastard.

So, we got home maybe around 2? And had something to eat (a cheese toastie each made in these handy toaster packet things) before bed. And it was absolutely fucking freezing, so I grabbed my hot water bottle and put the kettle on to fill it up and make J a cup of coffee. Only, while I was filling the hot water bottle, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (I can't even blame it on intoxication as I was only slightly inebriated and hangover-free) and poured boiling water all over my thumb. The damage is concentrated mostly on the top hanlf, only a little bit of scalding extending below the joint. But fuckshit it hurt like a mother.

In the end I didn't get to sleep until after 5:30 because the pain was so intense. I wound up with an ice pack on it, but after a while that wasn't cold enough anymore, so I got a face cloth and a mug of cold-cold water and kept dipping the cloth in water and wrapping it around my thumb. The only problem is, once the heat had transferred and the cloth wasn't icy anymore, it started burning all over again so I had to repeat. It took forever to get to sleep and a corner of my bed is still damp from the wet cloths.

In the end I managed to get to sleep though - after I decided that cutting off the blood flow to the burned area might make it hurt less / at least stop throbbing, so I wrapped a hair elastic several times around under the knuckle. Sure enough, as the blood flow slowed, the burning sensation mostly went away and I was able to pass out. OF COURSE this probably wasn't the best idea. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't feel my thumb at all and when I took the elastic band off, there was a deep mark in my skin where it had bitten into the flesh for several hours, and it looked pretty bruised from the pressure. Oops!

Whatever though, at least I got some fucking sleep!

It's still sore today but not really burny-throbby thank goodness, so at least I didn't sear the flesh off or anything, ew.

Upside to today, is that I'm down 2lbs from yesterday. Which gives me a net weight loss of 4.8lbs since we got home from Mexico. Granted, that was a week and a half ago, but progress is progress, right? I'm not comfortable enough with my numbers to post them here yet, but once I manage to get back into the 100's (i'm not THAT far above but still self-conscious about it) I will. In the meantime I'm keeping track in a spreadsheet.

So today is Day 1 of my ABC. I might wind up a little over, as I couldn't get out of going to McDonald's for lunch. Had a burger, a couple of fries (literally only a couple, I gave the rest to J), and a Sprite to drink, and the calories are 510 according to an online source. I felt really sick and thought I was going to vomit before we left, but I didn't and I have mixed feelings. Throwing up = involuntary purging which means no calories but I don't have to feel guilty about inducing a purge and turning to Mia's "dark side." On the other hand, purging is purging and I hate being sick and hoping for an "involuntary" purge still makes it Mia, doesn't it?

So, I kept it down. It's nearly 4pm and I'm 10 calories over my limit for today, but that's not so bad. My aunt knows I felt sick earlier though so I can probably quite easily get out of eating anything else for the rest of the day. So Day 1 is mostly a success, I think, as long as I can keep away from food for the rest of the day =]

Day 2 tomorrow is another 500 day which should be easy enough - I'm going out with S and maybe L tomorrow and we're meeting for coffee, so I might just get a plain coffee with skimmed milk and splenda, eat nothing and when I get home I can tell my aunt that we went to lunch and I stuffed myself so I'm not hungry for anything to eat for dinner.

Day 3 on Sunday is going to be difficult though. It's a 300 calorie day, but I've got my grandparents coming over for Sunday Dinner with turkey-etc. I'll probably wind up going a little over, but I figure my aunts know "I'm on a diet" so whatever is served to me I do not need to feel obligated to finish it at all, and shouldn't get a lot of hack for leaving food on my plate. I think what I might do it just eat like, half of what's served to me. The calories shouldn't be TOO bad - we are having turkey, Stovetop Stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy, but the rest is just veggies like cabbage and maybe cauliflower. It will probably still be over 300 though. I'll just have to compensate on Monday and cut my calories down a bit further I guess.

Anyway, that's the plan for the next few days. Today I'm still super tired, but I need to sort my room out. I still haven't unpacked, haha, so it looks so cluttered in here!

Happy New Year to you all! What are your resolutions? Beside the obvious lol.

My resolutions are to:

1. Lose at least 50lbs by the time I go to Canada in the summer (that's a conservative 10lbs a month and that should be doable, right?)

2. Continue my Japanese learning and use at least one medium each day (Rosetta Stone, DS Game, Kana flashcards)

3. Draw up a list of weight loss rewards and stick to it!

4. Join a gym and go at least 3 times every week for an average of 2 hours a day. Ideally more but this will be my minimum.

5. See ABC through to the very end!

6. Find someone to love

There was more that I wanted to definitely accomplish this year, but now that it comes to writing it out, I can't quite remember what they were =/

Anyway I'm going to go for a nap! Have a great one, skinnies!

Vee xox

A Quickie Before Bed

So, no weight change again today. Sigh. If this continues to happen next week when I'm back into ABC fully, I'm going to kick my own ass so hard...

Today wasn't too bad for food. I knew we were going out to eat again tonight so I didn't have anything to eat during the day at work. And the interesting thing is that I wasn't hungry either, nor was I craving food. My manager gave me a chocolate selection box that every member of staff got from the company, and I wasn't tempted at all to have one. In fact, the idea of eating chocolate makes me feel a little ill.

Thank the lord and His Noodly Appendages! R-amen!

Anyway. Dinner tonight I got a Cottage pie... It came with chips and veggies but I only have a few chips, no veggies (I hate cooked carrots unless they're cooked until they're almost mooshy, and I despiiiise peas unless they're raw from the pod). Didn't eat all of the cottage pie either. And no dessert. So huzzah!

I think I've decided on a course of action to make this a little less obvious to prying eyes. Maybe not right from the get-go but soon. My aunt's been talking about the milk-and-yogurt diet that she was on before she had her weight loss surgery, and how she might go back on it. Her surgeon told her that "normal people" can do that diet, but supplement the three pints of milk for Slim-fast shakes instead.

Now that's still around 1200 calories a day depending on the shake you get (I think they average around 300kcals each?) which is way too much for me. However, on the PRETENSE of being on this diet I can have nothing for breakfast or lunch at work and get away with publically eating a yogurt and part of a Slimfast shake instead, which is a fairly easy way to get only 250 calories in a day without looking TOO suspicious. The only problem is that it's only supposed to be done for a 10 day stretch and I think my aunt would have something to say about me continuing on this faux diet for longer than that. But if I do it for ten days here and there, she'll think I'm taking in more than I am, and since her surgeon and dietician TOLD HER it is an okay diet for people to follow, she can't have a go at me. In fact, I'm expressed an interest in giving it a try and she's been for it, saying she might do it too.

But my first plan of action is to do ABC. I might bash the two together and use the milk-and-yogurt diet as a way to hit the low calorie restrictions without looking too suspicious but ideally I'd like to be able to stick out the ABC period and then switch to the M.A.Y. diet afterward, which gives me a good two month plan.

Now obviously, I don't think any of us knows anyone who has managed to stick out ABC all the way through to the end, and though I am mostly a cynical realist, I'm trying to be optimistic here. My own negativity will not be my downfall, so rather than expecting to fail at some point in the next several weeks and being okay with that, I'm expecting myself to succeed as far as I possibly can. And I'll do my damndest to make it all the way.

Just think. 60 days of ABC/MAY could equal up to a 60lb weight loss! I mean again that's probably really over optimistic, but just imagine. I think if I managed to lose 60lbs in two months I'd have no motivation whatsoever to ever eat again.

As they say: nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

So, that's my plan of attack for the coming couple of months, taking me to the beginning of March.

Oh, I'm also drawing up a reward system (it goes to show you how my mind works, that rather than typing "reward" my fingers spelled out "retard" the first time and I had to go back and edit that). Rewards and positive reinforcement are good and help you to succeed. The problem is, most of what I want I already cave and buy anyway. Can we say £100+ a month on makeup? Sigh. But there are some things that I'm after that I haven't bought, so I'm going to make a list and stick to it.

Like, no more lipsticks until I've dropped 10lbs.
I'll go get my eyelashes tinted after I've dropped 20.

I've also been toying with the idea of getting false nails. I probably won't because I hate how they destroy your natural nails, and I've heard tales of your nails being RIDICULOUSLY painful once they're taken off because they're so thin and damaged. But damn, they look so nice, and I'm so fed up of how brittle my nails are. They keep peeling and breaking, and lately I've had three tear in a little at the side below the start of the nailbed, and I've had to be careful about trying to peel off the part that's trying to break off without tearing out half my nailbed.

Anyway I'm rambling off on completely unrelated tangents now.

I have another work-bitch but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write that one up tomorrow. Another Tale Of A Selfish Manager. Sigh.

Stay strong, skinnies!

Vee xox

Merry Christmassss (or insert other holiday or nonholiday you celebrate here)

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Today's Christmas dinner didn't go too badly. Christmas is almost always a cheat day, so I'm trying not to feel guilty but damnit it's hard. I didn't eat too much, and most of it was vegetables (like carrots and brussel sprouts, and is it weird that I fucking LOVE sprouts, when they're cooked til they're soggy and barely need chewing and eaten with a lot of salt and basically no other nutritional value left?), but there were also mashed potatoes, one roast potato piece, one piece of roast parsnip, a little stuffing and a slice and a half of turkey crown. Dessert was ice cream, which only added about 80 calories on top. Everyone else was devouring Christmas pudding with tons of cream and brandy butter and thick ass custard, but just looking at it made me feel ill. Blech.

But. I have to do it all again tomorrow. I can't remember if I blogged about this in the past couple days but it completely slipped my mind today that my granny is doing Christmas dinner tomorrow at her house, since my aunt missed it today. So, we're talking the full works all over again. =/

And then Sunday my aunts and I are going out for a Christmas meal with some mutual friends (H and S2) and they booked this well before we went away but I completely fucking blanked. And then we're supposed to be going out for dinner again at this restaurant near home that I absolutely detest - all it has is fatty foods, even the two salads on the menu have a ton of shit in them, fuck - and I do not remember agreeing to this one but of course I'm obligated to go. I'm not even sure who is going but I think it's my aunt's work folks?

Then Friday is new year's eve and we're going out... New Year's Eve is also H's birthday, so we're supposed to be hitting town. Which means alcohol. Maybe I'll get so drunk on spirits (like, vodka and diet coke) that I'll be hungover for the rest of the weekend and therefore have an excuse to ditch the New Year's Meal Slash Sunday Dinner J is cooking for my grandparents to come over next Sunday? In either case, I'm starting ABC on Jan 1st, so it'll be a 500 day. I can get through a family dinner on a 500 day, I'm sure. And, plus my aunts know full well I'm trying to lose weight.

In fact my aunt actually criticized me over it while we were away. I was telling her I'm going to "start taking dieting very seriously come the new year and need to see how much cash I have so I can rejoin my gym and everything" and being really positive. I wanted to make it clear that I have a set "start date" as it were so come the new year when my aunts are suggesting ordering pizza or hitting McDonald's on the way home from the cinema, I can just say "dude no, I'm losing weight remember? I can't eat that and you know it" - kind of a means to pre-empt their interference with my plans to restart ABC.

But anyway, what she said to me was "Make sure you do because I don't want you to wind up like me. I kept putting it off and making excuses for gaining weight and just never went ahead and lost it and then realized, how the fuck did I Get so fat?"

And I was thinking, thanks for being supportive, fuck. But then I realized, that kind of criticism is EXACTLY what I need right now. Fuck complacency and apathy. Tell me I'm fat and I'll prove you wrong. Granted I haven't shifted the weight I gained in Canada, but it's not like I put on two stone and am trying to justify it. I've been trying to restrict but it's just been IMPOSSIBLE the past while. But at this point it's crystal clear that I'm "dieting" and "cutting back" and "losing weight." If anything else, the fact that I'm Maid of Honour for my sister's wedding in February 2011 is just extra motivation, on top of the fact that my aunt basically called me Fat.

Incidentally, before her surgery she took to nicknaming her belly fat. The top roll is called Ben and the lower stomach fat is Jemimah. While we were in Mexico, I was sitting on our balcony area in possibly the most unflattering pair of hipster jeans that always make my middle look bigger than they are (I packed the wrong pair in my haste =/) and she said "Look! You have a Ben bit too!"

Like, bitch just called me fat AND named my stomach. And expected me to laugh about it.

Fuck this bullshit. I'm upset and pissed off but I'm going to channel this emotion into DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I can't get out of the meals coming up this week, but I *can* make those meals the only things I'm eating for the next several days. I'm going to try to restrict as far as I can on Wed-Thurs-Fri as well. Meaning, I'm planning on trying to fast but with Thursday's alcohol consumption my aunt will probably be on my case to eat something "substantial" before we go out. But hopefully I'll feel so shitty on Friday I won't be able to. That said, Friday is Day One of ABC. And fuckshit,I think I just miscounted my days because I thought above that Sunday is Day 2 but according to that, it's actually Day 3. Whatever, I'll do my best to stick to the calorie restrictions while humoring my family as best I can at dinner.

This post is more random and disjointed than usual and for that I apologise. As I was writing I kept remembering more things and getting more pissed off about them.

So, incidentally, MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I hope you've all had an awesome day and the Family Eating Events haven't been too stressful for you. I'm going to go hate myself, my life, and the people in it now.

Vee xox

(ps: I already mentioned this but it's worth saying again, that I'm on Facebook under Vee Seethrough if you want to add me =] Also, if you want to email correspondence or chat on MSN, drop me a comment here with your address or send me an email to xsnuffondigital@live.co.uk. Hope to hear from you soon dolls!)

Acute Sinusitis

Ugh, so the sinus infection I've had since before my trip to Mexico still hasn't gone away, even though I was taking 1500mg of antibiotics every day for a week. So, I went back to the doctor this morning and she's given me something else to try... Just one pill a day for a week and hopefully this will clear it up. Ugh.

Went into work after and took my first pill (today I take two) and not twenty minutes later I felt really dizzy and nauseous and sick, and had to run to the bathroom. Was nearly sick a billion times but held my shit together, because I didn't want to throw up the damn medicine. But then I went and told my manager I'm not well at all so he let me go home again. I called my grandparents and asked if my grandpa would drive me home if I got the bus/tram to their house, and of course he obliged. But I had to stop off in town on the way to get my grandmother's Christmas present and a box of chocolates to take to my great-aunt and -uncle's house tomorrow. The entire time I was struggling not to be sick and felt absolutely terrible =///

The upside is, the idea of food makes me feel horrendous. I got to my grandmother's house and had half a slice of toast (shared the rest of it with her dog), and hung out a bit before my grandpa brought me home. When I got here I microwaved a pouch of rice and had a single bite of it before throwing it away. I love rice, I have to admit it's a weakness of mine, but today it just disgusted me. Which is for sure a good thing! I've got a ton of chocolate around me in the house right now, but I'm not actually tempted at all to eat it. So I guess in that sense, being sick is a good thing. I don't think it's JUST being sick though...

I feel like I'm just fed up of food in general. That doesn't make any sense does it?


Last night was horrible, I had a really bad headache - sinus headache - that kept me up even though I was super super tired. So I'm kind of glad I had a reason to get out of work. It was ridiculously quiet in there anyway so it's not a big loss. I apologised to my manager because I feel like such a flake, but he was okay about it, told me "you can't help it!" and wished me a merry Christmas and all that.

It's my aunt's birthday (she's 38 today!) so tonight we'll all be going over to my grandma's house again for a couple of hours in the evening. We do this every year, go to granny's house and hang out. Sometimes they used to stay over there for the night too, when I lived there, and then we'd have Christmas there. But not this year. The plan is to get takeout to eat too, usually either Chinese or KFC or something, but I feel terrible and have no desire whatsoever to eat, which is pretty awesome =]

Anyway, Merry Christmas (or whatever other holidays you celibrate (or don't celebrate)) to you all, I'll probably post later tomorrow to update but in any case, have a great one.

Stay Strong,
Vee xox

Totals

Today is boring as hell. Checked out of our room around 11, bought some super nice jewellery (a ring and some earrings) from the gift shop at the hotel that I'd been eyeing both here and at various shops since I got here (will post pics later <3)

Since then we've been sitting around in the lobby waiting for our coach to pick us up to take us to the airport. The coach doesn't come until 4:30, it's only 3 now, and we've already been waiting for HOURS. The Travel Folk decided to go for lunch a little under an hour ago, and I had three pieces of the most disgusting tortellini I've ever tasted (which nearly made me sick and was in a nacho cheese sauce. Barf). And then my aunt made me eat two pieces of her super-small club sandwich-on-toast, since she saw me eat three pieces of pasta... nearly made me order desset but I resisted and said my stomach was still feeling upset and I was feeling ill and didn't want to, so got out of that. Breakfast was a couple breakfast sausages and maybe one scrambled egg. Equally gross, and I felt physically sick. I took some French toast with fried bananas for show but didn't have a single bite =]

Really looking forward to starting ABC on New Year's now.

But in the meantime I might actually DIE from the boredom I'm feeling right now. It's 3, but it's another 5+ hours until the flight. And I only have an hour of internet time left, and 3 hours on my laptop battery. I might save it so I can watch a movie at the airport or on the plane.. Siiiigh.

Hope you're all doing okay. Stay strong!

Vee xox

Gross but Good (warning: talk of poop)

My stomach has been ridiculously upset the past several days. I think it's a mixture of anxiety and that I may be coming down with a bug. But I'm kind of glad. Example: dinner tonight, I had a mouthful of rice and a couple tablespoons worth of mashed potatoes, and then a couple scoops of ice cream. Luckily it was all pretty rank so I didn't finish what I did put on my plate. Not twenty minutes later I had rather explosive diarrhoea, and everything I ate was flushed completely out of me (that was apparent by the whole undigested pieces of coconut from the ice cream that was visible... after). Honestly I'm surprised my family hasn't noticed the amount I've been eating... I've been taking a small amount of food to start with, then eating less than half and leaving it. I've been expecting comments, but nobody's said a thing, so I'm not sure they've noticed.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I've got mixed feelings. I'm looking forward to seeing my kitties and catching up with S and L, and most of all sleeping in my own bed. And of course, having more control over the food that I'm eating, since right now everything is catered and there's not a huge variety. Rice and various fish-cooked-in-some-manner-of-sauce, vegetables and meats coated in sauces and gravies. Ugh, my stomach is squirming just thinking about it. Once I get home I can settle back into my own routines, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I think at this point I'm going to start ABC on New Year's Day. I'll restrict before then but plunge right back in at the start of the new year. It seems like a nice way to start the year - after all, they say that however New Year's Day goes, sets the precident for the rest of the year. Anybody with me? =]

Thank you all for your comments on my Exercise Tips, that's a great idea. I've already "obtained" a few Yoga DVDs that I'm going to burn when I get home.

But I've got another question for you: Pro Ana bracelets. I want one. I have for a while, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm having trouble finding something I really like. I mean I found one, but since I apparently have expensive tastes, it's a silver Tiffany & Co bangle with a red enamel inlay. Gorgeous, but somewhere in the region of £300.

I'd love to make my own but I'm tres uncreative and tend not to finish creative projects that I start. Which is bad, but whatever. I started making one in different shades of red and black thread, Friendship-Bracelet style, but I didn't like it so I stopped making it..

So the question is, do you have one? If so, where did you get it?

Thanks again, I hope you're all doing well and had a great weekend.

Vee xox

Viva La Mexico

Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.

But anyway. Here's my vast update.

Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.

Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.

When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.

That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.

Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.

I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.

I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.

It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.

So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.

God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.

I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.

Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.

Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.

Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!

Vee xoxoxox

I swear to god if one more thing happens I'm going to shoot whoever is in charge of the world.

First of all, sorry for the sporadic updates. My internet is still pretty failley and I haven't been at work to post except for Tuesday and was super super busy. I'm still around though and will post whenever I can.

So.

Went to see a Pink concert last night with my aunts. I'm not huge into her music, always thought she was okay or good but never really made a point to buy her CDs or go out of my way to listen to her. But I have to say, the concert was amaaaazing. I was tres impressed for sure. She did an acoustic set, and some of the songs were better than the record versions.

Got home and went to sleep around 1:30. I had today off so had planned to sleep in and veg out and do absolutely nothing other than enjoy the time off work.

Except, I was woken up at 7 to a phone call from my great-aunt (not the one who's sick, my grandpa's sister who lives next door to him and we barely ever see) telling me my grandfather "has an accident" last night and was in the hospital. Went to the hospital and found out where he was and talked to him. In the end he's mostly okay, he said he took his dog for a walk last night and went into a coughing fit, and as he bent over to cough he had a headrush or something and blacked out, hit the deck, and woke up to paramedics talking to him.

They did a chest xray and things but it came back clear, which is good. I've mentioned before but my grandfather is in heart failure, so of course my immediate response was ohmygodhehadaheartattackhesgoingtoDIE. He's got a couple scrapes on the bridge of his nose and forehead but aside from that he's not marked up or anything.

But, his left hand is in a ton of pain and he can't really move it. He thought he may have landed on it and broke something, and the doctor was going to do an xray today. I think it may have come back clear though as they're keeping him in overnight again for some tests.

He had this same hand issue last year on Boxing Day (I prolly posted about it here and N99 at the time) and the doctors did all sorts of tests to make sure he hadn't had a stroke or heart attack or something, but they never did figure it out. After a couple of days it went away on its own and they let him go.

So.. big stress today. I'm happy he seems to be okay but you never know. And now I'm waiting for the third thing to happen =/

Oh, the best part of this, is that my grandmother is currently over at my other great-aunt's house (her sister, the one who has blood cancer) and we don't have the number there. So I try to call granny's mobile phone to get her and as usual it is turned off. I am SO pissed off. I get it in the neck if I miss a call from her, but hers is turned off when she's away, never mind emergencies or the fact that her husband's been in the hospital like twice in the past year.

Because apparently it's "cool" to burn houses down now

There are not even WORDS in my vocabulary (and my vocabulary is extensive!) to explain just how fucking pissed I am. And also there is a lot of disbelief. I want to scream. There is nobody around or online for me to rant or vent to, and nothing to punch without hurting myself. So you get to hear the story.

...and now I'm fucked off that Blogger won't let me fucking past text. GAH.

My aunts got a call about an hour ago from our ex-neighbour, who lived next door to our old house. She called to let them know that a bunch of kids/teens have been hanging around the house and she heard something but wasn't sure, but thought they may have put something through the letterbox. So, my aunts went over to check it out, but this goes fucking above and beyond all the other shit they've had to put up with..

My aunt just called to tell me that these fucking idiots have completely smashed up the gate/fence to the back yard, kicked in the door, and dragged a disposable barbeque set inside the house - clearly they were planning to set it on FIRE and burn it fucking down.

At this point, I could not be HAPPIER THAT WE MOVED THE FUCK AWAY because seriously? No way in hell I would ever feel safe there again with this shit going down.

So the police are there now, my aunt's carpenter-builder friend is coming to do something about the door, and my aunts are coming back here when they're done with the police to get some stuff and are going to have to start sleeping there or something so somebody is there to watch over it I guess.

But the worst part of this, is that the house is attached to the one next door. Our old neighbour has two kids and is currently fostering a baby who isn't even a year old. Yet it's totally fun and okay for them to BURN THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN.

Seriously I'm so fucked off right now I don't even know what to do.

AND THERE IS NOBODY ONLINE TO VENT TO/BITCH WITH which is not helping the need to let off steam.

asdguasdahshdajbsdad

Fuck.

Yay!

Whoo! Down 1.5 for the week. Yeah, it's not a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction right?

Hope you're all having a nice weekend. Today was a fabulous day in spite of the rain and the lunch with S. I'm in such a good mood =]

Going for dinner at my granny' house tomorrow. The upside is that she usually makes like 4 different veggies so I can get away with eating a ton of brussel sprouts and broccoli and like one slice of meat. So it shouldn't be too bad. She's stopped serving dessert since my aunts had surgery too which is a total bonus.

Totally going to enjoy the extra hour in bed thanks to the time change tonight too. I was so tired this morning I did not want to get out of bed, even though I went to bed at midnight last night and didn't set my alarm to go off until 10 this morning. I've been more ridiculously tired than usual this week though (hell last Sunday night I got less than 3 hours of sleep) so I think I definitely needed to catch up. When it went off this morning though my first reaction was "...REALLY!?" and I thought I'd set it for work time (6:30/7am) by mistake.

Ugh. Going to go find something to do, I'm bored out of my damn mind!

Love ya!

Vee