Monday, 29 March 2010

Daddy Issues

God. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had half a minute to sit down and listen to myself think.

I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.

After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.

I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.

He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.

He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.

He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.

I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.

I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.

For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.

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