Tuesday, 14 June 2011


Oh also. I've been stressing myself out even more than usual lately. A large part of me wants to move back to Canada. I miss *everything* and constantly I find myself pining to be there. I've even been online looking for cheap basement suite apartments and seeing if there are any vacancies in my hometown within the company I currently work for, so I could just move internally rather than starting a whole new job hunt. (unfortunately that won't happen as the branch we have in my hometown is in a different job/area of the business from the one I work in now, and they require a college degree and/or 2 years experience in the particular field for the job - neither of which I have)

But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.

Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.

The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.

Basically I fail at blogging


So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.

Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.

Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.

Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.

But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).

My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.

One can hope.

Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.


I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.

All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.

Vee xox