It’s funny. When my life gets real, or harder than usual, or frustrating, or I get stuck in a rut and don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life, or feel lost and alone and dazed and confused… I want to run here more than anything else. There’s only so much that I can say, a limit to how honest I can be on personal blogs, on Twitter, on Facebook, et al. There’s nobody in my life that I can be completely 100% honest with about my feelings. Even food struggles aside, I’ve been feeling increasingly lost and alone and there’s nobody that I can really vent to, to be honest with, whose shoulder I can cry on unconditionally. This blog, in all its circle of understanding and anonymity, is my safe haven.
And yet, I disappear. For months on end. And even I have no idea why. I have full intentions of blogging daily, whether it be about the ED circle or just about life in general and the struggles I’m having internally on a daily basis. Yet invariably, I don’t. I can tell myself I don’t have the time, or I don’t know what to write, but let’s be honest – those things hardly stop me when I really need or want to write. And I’ve needed and wanted to write for months now but just… haven’t. Apathy maybe? Perhaps I’m basking in my sense of disorientation. I feel I don’t deserve the support that I know I will get here.
I guess this is all to say, I’m back, and it’s far later than it should have been. To kick off the blog again, I’m going to attempt to throw myself into ABC again. With all the other bullshit-and-absolutely-nothing going on in my life, concentrating so heavily on this one little 50 day goal might help me keep my head above water. I need something to provide me with focus, and god knows nothing else in my life is providing it.
So far today has been a good day. I have two thirds of a pot of porridge this morning (which, might I say, was disgusting. I hate the texture of that stuff) to total me approximately 140 calories. Day one is 500, so I have an even 360 to last me the rest of the day. Honestly though I don’t even want to eat anything. I’m not hungry, physically or craving in my mind.
All I want to do is go home, climb into bed with my purring kitten, and be dead to the world for twelve hours, until I’m forced to get up and do it all over again. The blanket of despair and self-hatred that covers me at this time is thicker than it has been in a long, long while. It’s all the better for hibernating against the cold snap that’s hit England lately. And hibernating I have been. And in all likelihood, will continue to do. Until I can snap myself out of this deep depression enough to give a shit about anything in my life again, anyway.
We shall see.
Love you all.
V
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Monday, 29 March 2010
Daddy Issues
God. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had half a minute to sit down and listen to myself think.
I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.
After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.
I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.
He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.
He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.
He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.
I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.
I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.
For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.
I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.
After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.
I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.
He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.
He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.
He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.
I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.
I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.
For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Insufficient
I just want to write a quick post to thank you. I'll reply to individual comments soon, likely tomorrow (or rather today, since it's nearly 1am here in jolly ol' England). But I read what you guys have said on my last post, and I just want to hug you all.
I never had any doubts that you would understand what I meant, how I feel, and where I'm coming from when I say the things that I do. I can be myself here. I can bare my soul, with all its imperfections, and say EXACTLY what I think and feel... and know that I'm not alone with you all here at my side.
I would be lost without you all, and you are all such beautiful people. I wish only the best for each of you, and feel blessed that I've become a part of this blog community, if only because of you, the other people here that make it worthwhile. Without whose support, I would be lost and alone.
So thank you. It seems so insufficient, but I don't know how to put it into any other words.
I love you all.
I never had any doubts that you would understand what I meant, how I feel, and where I'm coming from when I say the things that I do. I can be myself here. I can bare my soul, with all its imperfections, and say EXACTLY what I think and feel... and know that I'm not alone with you all here at my side.
I would be lost without you all, and you are all such beautiful people. I wish only the best for each of you, and feel blessed that I've become a part of this blog community, if only because of you, the other people here that make it worthwhile. Without whose support, I would be lost and alone.
So thank you. It seems so insufficient, but I don't know how to put it into any other words.
I love you all.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
All I want...
Is to be happy.
By which I mean, to be skinny and beautiful and loved.
I'm restricting and I still feel like a failure. Like a fraud. Like an obese, ugly monster.
Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and it takes my breath away. My reflection is always large and whale-like - I have no illusions there. But sometimes I look into a mirror and don't believe that the beautiful face with the smouldering blue eyes and sarcastically-playful smirk can possibly be me. I feel vain, and then I feel guilty for feeling vain, because my face does not make up for the mass of lard that is my body.
But then, when I'm at home and all of the makeup is scrubbed off and I can see the bare skin underneath... I cringe and wonder what I ever saw in myself that could possibly be beautiful. My beauty is false, and I only ever feel pretty when my mask is fully in place.
I feel like I will never be perfect. I will never attain the state of grace and beauty that I want. I don't deserve to attain it. No matter how far I restrict, even if I turned to purging and became best friends with Mia - no matter how hard I exercise or starve, I will never be beautiful.
No matter how skinny and fabulous my body becomes - Yes, maybe one day I'll have ribs and hipbones and pelvic bones and clavicles and bumps down my spine, but what use is the perfect body when it's attached to the face of a horse? - the truth is that the only true beauty I will ever have is that which I meticulously paint upon my countenance each morning. And even that is a lie.
And THAT is the reason why I spend so much money on high-brand makeup.
Because the mask I create for myself every day is the closest I will ever come to being something worth looking at. And it might be a lie, but it's all I have.
By which I mean, to be skinny and beautiful and loved.
I'm restricting and I still feel like a failure. Like a fraud. Like an obese, ugly monster.
Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and it takes my breath away. My reflection is always large and whale-like - I have no illusions there. But sometimes I look into a mirror and don't believe that the beautiful face with the smouldering blue eyes and sarcastically-playful smirk can possibly be me. I feel vain, and then I feel guilty for feeling vain, because my face does not make up for the mass of lard that is my body.
But then, when I'm at home and all of the makeup is scrubbed off and I can see the bare skin underneath... I cringe and wonder what I ever saw in myself that could possibly be beautiful. My beauty is false, and I only ever feel pretty when my mask is fully in place.
I feel like I will never be perfect. I will never attain the state of grace and beauty that I want. I don't deserve to attain it. No matter how far I restrict, even if I turned to purging and became best friends with Mia - no matter how hard I exercise or starve, I will never be beautiful.
No matter how skinny and fabulous my body becomes - Yes, maybe one day I'll have ribs and hipbones and pelvic bones and clavicles and bumps down my spine, but what use is the perfect body when it's attached to the face of a horse? - the truth is that the only true beauty I will ever have is that which I meticulously paint upon my countenance each morning. And even that is a lie.
And THAT is the reason why I spend so much money on high-brand makeup.
Because the mask I create for myself every day is the closest I will ever come to being something worth looking at. And it might be a lie, but it's all I have.
Monday, 4 May 2009
And Also...
I'm too lazy to just edit my previous post, eat me.
Some of my ED-Books came the other day. I picked them up from my grandparents' house yesterday afternoon. I had to tell them "Some of the stuff is books and some tarot cards for me, some of it MIGHT BE early Christmas presents because there was a sale on Amazon, so I can't open them right now and show you."
How messed up is it that my family is so nosey that they always DEMAND to know exactly what I ordered. That time I ordered diet pills they kept asking me what the package was and when I was all "it's none of your business" they wouldn't take that shit and thought I was joking and kept PESTERING ME so I told them I'd ordered some more Valerian tablets to help with my insomnia. It was bullshit, but it got them off my back.
It just reinforces that my life is not nearly as private as I would like it to be. What if I was ordering lengerie and flavoured lube from Anne Summers? Or fucking sex toys? I mean seriously, what I buy online is nobody's fucking business but my own.
Yet again, I wish I could afford to move into my own apartment. But there's no way in the forseeable future that is going to happen.
Also, my nails are suffering and that pisses me off. It's probably a mix between the lack of lots of proper food (I forgot to take my vitamins every day but twice this week, I suck so hard) and I probably over-filed/buffed them last week. But they keep peeling and now I've had to cut them down so the peeley bits are gone and have to wait for them to grow out again. Fucking nails. Show some respect, motherfuckers. I bit my nails constantly until I was 12 and then stopped cold turkey, and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?
I swear to god I'm not ACTUALLY going crazy.
In other news, one of my Tarot books also came. I've got two tarot books and a Wiccan Cards oracle deck (the artwork on them looked really nice, I always seem to buy cards based on how they look. Yes, I am shallow, and I do not give a shit.) coming in total. The one that came is called The Tarot Bible, and was well worth the money. It gives pretty in-depth descriptions of each card, as well as lots of different spreads, as well as lots of info about the history of the tarot and how to use them most effectively. I used it in conjunction with my Egyptian Tarot deck last night, and all the spreads seemed to be pretty spot-on. I got a lot of cards about perfectionism and idealism and new goals and will power and fighting self-indulgence.
It always creeps me out a little when things ring true. I do not profess to be a psychic by any means, but sometimes things are just so RIGHT.
Of course, when my ex left me for an uglier other woman, I did a reading with a set of fortune cards. It was a simple spread. Card 1 = me. Card 2 = him. Card 3 = the dynamic between the two of us. And then I did a second spread on him and her and their dynamic.
The dynamic between him and me came up as "True love and happiness." The one between him and her said - and this is VERBATIM FROM THE FACE OF THE CARD ITSELF "Fate has blocked this path for you."
OF course I convinced myself this meant we would get back together. Maybe he'll come crawling back in the future when he realizes how dumb it was to leave ME, but I doubt it, and if he did I would laugh in his face because I'm mean like that.
So, maybe my tarot just tells me what I want to hear, or what I need to hear to make it through another day, I don't know. Time will tell, but last night's made me hopeful that I can and will succeed.
Unrelated sidenote: I think the batteries in my wireless keyboard are dying because even though I'm typing at half my usual speed and not missing any keys, HALF the letters are not registering so it's taking forever to type this and it is PISSING ME OFFFFFF!!!
Gah. Ok I'm going to stop there because I'm annoyed and need to charge these bitches up.
Goodnight my darlings.
Vee xox
Some of my ED-Books came the other day. I picked them up from my grandparents' house yesterday afternoon. I had to tell them "Some of the stuff is books and some tarot cards for me, some of it MIGHT BE early Christmas presents because there was a sale on Amazon, so I can't open them right now and show you."
How messed up is it that my family is so nosey that they always DEMAND to know exactly what I ordered. That time I ordered diet pills they kept asking me what the package was and when I was all "it's none of your business" they wouldn't take that shit and thought I was joking and kept PESTERING ME so I told them I'd ordered some more Valerian tablets to help with my insomnia. It was bullshit, but it got them off my back.
It just reinforces that my life is not nearly as private as I would like it to be. What if I was ordering lengerie and flavoured lube from Anne Summers? Or fucking sex toys? I mean seriously, what I buy online is nobody's fucking business but my own.
Yet again, I wish I could afford to move into my own apartment. But there's no way in the forseeable future that is going to happen.
Also, my nails are suffering and that pisses me off. It's probably a mix between the lack of lots of proper food (I forgot to take my vitamins every day but twice this week, I suck so hard) and I probably over-filed/buffed them last week. But they keep peeling and now I've had to cut them down so the peeley bits are gone and have to wait for them to grow out again. Fucking nails. Show some respect, motherfuckers. I bit my nails constantly until I was 12 and then stopped cold turkey, and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?
I swear to god I'm not ACTUALLY going crazy.
In other news, one of my Tarot books also came. I've got two tarot books and a Wiccan Cards oracle deck (the artwork on them looked really nice, I always seem to buy cards based on how they look. Yes, I am shallow, and I do not give a shit.) coming in total. The one that came is called The Tarot Bible, and was well worth the money. It gives pretty in-depth descriptions of each card, as well as lots of different spreads, as well as lots of info about the history of the tarot and how to use them most effectively. I used it in conjunction with my Egyptian Tarot deck last night, and all the spreads seemed to be pretty spot-on. I got a lot of cards about perfectionism and idealism and new goals and will power and fighting self-indulgence.
It always creeps me out a little when things ring true. I do not profess to be a psychic by any means, but sometimes things are just so RIGHT.
Of course, when my ex left me for an uglier other woman, I did a reading with a set of fortune cards. It was a simple spread. Card 1 = me. Card 2 = him. Card 3 = the dynamic between the two of us. And then I did a second spread on him and her and their dynamic.
The dynamic between him and me came up as "True love and happiness." The one between him and her said - and this is VERBATIM FROM THE FACE OF THE CARD ITSELF "Fate has blocked this path for you."
OF course I convinced myself this meant we would get back together. Maybe he'll come crawling back in the future when he realizes how dumb it was to leave ME, but I doubt it, and if he did I would laugh in his face because I'm mean like that.
So, maybe my tarot just tells me what I want to hear, or what I need to hear to make it through another day, I don't know. Time will tell, but last night's made me hopeful that I can and will succeed.
Unrelated sidenote: I think the batteries in my wireless keyboard are dying because even though I'm typing at half my usual speed and not missing any keys, HALF the letters are not registering so it's taking forever to type this and it is PISSING ME OFFFFFF!!!
Gah. Ok I'm going to stop there because I'm annoyed and need to charge these bitches up.
Goodnight my darlings.
Vee xox
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