Monday, 11 August 2014

Life update, kind of?

I'm still struggling, with everything. I guess that, even though it's been two years since I last posted here, everything about me and my life is the same. I honestly barely even remember the last couple of years. Which I think is just more proof that the nothing I'm doing with my life means that every day, month, year is just a blur of the same following the same following the same.

I've considered coming back here a lot over the last two years. Part of the reason I didn't was that I became so out of the loop, so detached and outside of this community and all of the bloggers I used to read and speak to. It just felt awkward to come back, to leave for so long and then turn up with excuses as to why I left in the first place and why absolutely nothing about my life has changed during my mega-hiatus.

The truth is that I have no excuses. My constant whirlwind of depression and self-hatred is doing its best to isolate me, and the truth is simply that I let it. And I'm not sure whether or not I even care anymore. Or have I just accepted that, well, this is it.

If it was over tomorrow, I think I would be relieved. I like to believe in reincarnation, the subject has always fascinated me - but I also think that the need to believe is to make myself feel better. To think that, I failed and gave up on this life, this incarnation of myself, so completely... but it doesn't matter. Because next time I can do it right. Next time I can be born as somebody different, into a body and a personality that is inherently better than the life I've lived this time around. The thought is comforting to me. That however bad we have it this time, karma will make up for it next time.

In my next life, I will be beautiful, I will be outgoing and interesting and creative and motivated and driven and passionate. In my next life, I will be loved and I will have dreams and I will achieve them. In my next life I will be everything I always wanted. This life is a writeoff, the next one is where it's at.

I appreciate that I'm deluding myself. I'm making excuses as to why I haven't ever really tried to make something of myself, to figure my life out. It's like the smoker whose New Year's resolution every single year is to quit, and then every single July says to himself "ah well, it's too late for this year. I'll enjoy myself and make it count next year. Next year is my year." I know what a hypocrite I am. I know that my life is within my own power, to make of it and of myself what I want and desire.

My point is that I don't care.

So all of that is to say that I'm back here. I need community and I need somewhere that I can write and be honest. I hung around Tumblr quite a lot the past couple years, but the problem with Tumblr is that I don't have the anonymity that I need to really be honest. I can only be honest with myself when I don't have to account to other people around me who know me. I have friends who follow me on Tumblr, friends who should understand the things I feel but who attack me in passive-aggressive posts when I dare make an honest post about my feelings.

This blog started off as just another weight loss/ed blog, but it's always been about my life and feelings in general. Sometimes just being honest and writing can be cathartic. So this is how it will remain. I'm not going to bother with weight loss trackers and goals and numbers, because I don't want judgement or competition. If you want to take this journey with me, then I more than appreciate the company. I just don't feel like being specific this time around. In part because I don't have a scale anymore. But I completely digress.

Part of me wants to change the title of my blog because although the theme is still relevant I'm not sure the actual words themselves speak to the truth of myself and how I feel. More Dead but More Alive. I haven't felt so numb and cynical in years. It's the "more alive" part I take issue with. But I guess it can stay. It can remain a mantra for how I want to feel. How I might feel if ever I can beat my own apathy into submission and take some real control over my life.

But I'm rambling. I'll stop here, but... I'm back. Or at least I hope to be.

And guys, I missed you.

No comments: