Saturday, 9 January 2010

All I want...

Is to be happy.

By which I mean, to be skinny and beautiful and loved.

I'm restricting and I still feel like a failure. Like a fraud. Like an obese, ugly monster.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and it takes my breath away. My reflection is always large and whale-like - I have no illusions there. But sometimes I look into a mirror and don't believe that the beautiful face with the smouldering blue eyes and sarcastically-playful smirk can possibly be me. I feel vain, and then I feel guilty for feeling vain, because my face does not make up for the mass of lard that is my body.

But then, when I'm at home and all of the makeup is scrubbed off and I can see the bare skin underneath... I cringe and wonder what I ever saw in myself that could possibly be beautiful. My beauty is false, and I only ever feel pretty when my mask is fully in place.

I feel like I will never be perfect. I will never attain the state of grace and beauty that I want. I don't deserve to attain it. No matter how far I restrict, even if I turned to purging and became best friends with Mia - no matter how hard I exercise or starve, I will never be beautiful.

No matter how skinny and fabulous my body becomes - Yes, maybe one day I'll have ribs and hipbones and pelvic bones and clavicles and bumps down my spine, but what use is the perfect body when it's attached to the face of a horse? - the truth is that the only true beauty I will ever have is that which I meticulously paint upon my countenance each morning. And even that is a lie.

And THAT is the reason why I spend so much money on high-brand makeup.

Because the mask I create for myself every day is the closest I will ever come to being something worth looking at. And it might be a lie, but it's all I have.


Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

*sigh...* I don't even know where to start with you, love.

I wish I could hug you. Does that sound as creepy to you as it did to me? :P Sorry...

First of all...You're gorgeous. You are. Without ever having seen your face before today, I've always known you to be beautiful.

While I realize that you don't believe me, I still feel a profound compulsion to reiterate what I feel to be the truth... Again, sorry if it all sounds too personal or creeptastic. I'm just a passionate person. I get...into...things. :P

In my own eyes, I am the most hideous creature I've ever laid eyes upon...without my make up. Ugly drooping bags beneath my eyes; rough, ruddy and mottled skin on my cheeks, and acne..ugh, scars and new blemishes every day... My nose is too long and there's a bump in it that will never go away without plastic surgery. My eyes, which are blue as well, seem so utterly and painfully plain without so much shadow and liner and mascara to actually bring them to light. My lips are pale and my teeth are slightly yellow due to overdrinking of coffees and teas to keep my metabolism up...(all in the name of Ana, of course).

But...when I have my make up on...this face I give myself daily...I feel glamorous. I feel beautiful. I feel lovely. I won't go out without it, for fear of having someone else see the ugliness I see everyday.

All of this considered, I happen to know that I am a beautiful and amazing PERSON. I am a loving and nurturing mother, the best friend that will stick by your side through the good and the bad, a loyal and devoted girlfriend, and a badass student (dean's list, baby!), if I do say so myself. :) I despise my reflection. I love mySELF. I have to. It pushes me to drive harder to improve the body that hosts my beautiful mind.

If you can, think this (aloud, if you like): Of all of the things that make me ME, this physical body is the least significant of them all. The many things that I offer the world are valuable and intangible, and have no relationship whatsoever with my appearance.

I can tell by your writing that you are intelligent and kind and REAL...These qualities are more difficult to come by than you may think.

All of that aside...You are, indeed, lovely. I'm so glad you posted a picture of yourself today. Thank you for sharing this uncensored perspective of yourself from your own eyes...It touched at least me, as well as others, I'm certain.

The meaning of my next tattoo is deeper than I can say. "Stay Lovely." Not "Stay Strong." Not "Get Thin" or "Try and be beautiful by starving and hating yourself until those size 0s fit..." STAY lovely. Backwards, so I can look in the mirror every single day and remind myself that I'm already there. I'm already beautiful. I need the reminder, too. We all do.

Stay lovely, dear, and keep your beautiful chin up.


Ophelia said...

I understand everything you're saying. The make up, the pretty mask, the horrible reality... I always know that I can never settle with a guy because he'd wake up one day and see me without makeup - and no one could love me seeing me naturally. I'm certain of that - regardless of whether it's true or not.

I agree with everything Phantasmagorical has said. You ARE beautiful. I wish you could see it. Don't let the mirror be your enemy, ignore it when it tries to tell you lies, don't let it's power be negative.

lots of love x x x x

MyQuest(ProAna) said...

I know exactlly how you feel. I know your thinking "Yeah right..", but honestly i DO. It's kind of weird because just two years ago when i was at my highest weight i was the happiest person in the world, i swear. I would look in the mirror and know that i wasn't the skinniest person ever, but i didnt seem to care. I'm guessing that the reason my self esteem was so high is because of my lifestyle(Drugs&alcohol seem to distort reality a bit). And now, even though i have lost 30lbs, i'm not able to find ONE single thing about myself that i would even consider halfway decent. I imagine how my life will be once i reach my GW- That even a simple trip to the grocery store will be awesome.... Sounds rediculous, i know. Once i reach my GW, and i WILL, i know that wont make me find my hair attractive or my feet or my skin.etc. I'm not exactlly sure where im going with this, but all i have to say is not to be so hard on yourself because you really are gorgeous! I wouldn't say that if i didn't mean it.

SophiaRuins said...

I feel the SAME WAY.
I feel like even though people tell me im pretty, im really not. Im just good at applying eyeliner and concealer :[

Christ you're stunning though!

No lie hun, you have nothing to worry about. Don't let ana take your self esteem.

Stay strong!

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Dot said...

Well said. This is exactly how I feel. Totally and completely.
I hope you're doing well love <3