Can Open. Worms Everywhere.

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.

I just messaged my father back on Facebook.

In case you're not sure what the hell I'm on about, I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 6 years old, when he told my mother he didn't want anything to do with me. Then out of the blue, he sent me a message back in November just saying "Hi. I just joined today and there you are." and nothing else. After much deliberation over how to react – should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I tell him to fuck off? – I sent a completely neutral message back, just saying “I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you.”

Neutral. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, letting him say whatever it is he wants to say, yet holding my own cards to my chest and not reacting either positively or negatively.

He didn’t reply. Which pissed me off but whatever.

For some reason, today I was fucked off more than usual. So, I opened up the old message, and replied to it with the following:

“Wow, I'm so glad you contacted me for this most fulfilling conversation.

If you have something to say to me, then just man up and say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Next time you get the urge to waste my time - say, in another 18 years or so? - do us both a favour and don't bother.

I can't believe I actually thought maybe you had some kind of interest, but hey I guess that's my bad. I accepted a hell of a long time ago that I'll never have a father, that the word "dad" might as well be a word from a foreign language that I'll never use, so feel free to go back to pretending you don't have a daughter.

-[my real name]”

I wasn’t expecting anything back, but immediately he sent a new message as response. What did it say?

“You are right”

That is it. You are right. I know I’m fucking right.

So rather than just leaving things as they are, I have to go and open that can of worms even further by demanding to know “So, what do you want from me? Why bother messaging me in the first place?”

The truth is, I don’t know if I even care. I’m so out of touch with my own emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. To me, it feels like nothing. But any normal person would be feeling something. Wonder. Trepidation. Anger. Upset. But all I feel is a mixture of nothing, and being fucked off at being fobbed off. I’m not anxious as to what his answer might be. I don’t know if I’m even curious, I’m just pissed off at his non response.

He hasn’t replied yet, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t. I don’t need another asshole loser non-father in my life. I have more than my share in my mother’s husband. I wish I hadn’t bothered answering him to begin with.

It was like trying to punch someone in the face for being a jerk, but then slipping on the backswing and banging your own head against the ground.

Because apparently it's "cool" to burn houses down now

There are not even WORDS in my vocabulary (and my vocabulary is extensive!) to explain just how fucking pissed I am. And also there is a lot of disbelief. I want to scream. There is nobody around or online for me to rant or vent to, and nothing to punch without hurting myself. So you get to hear the story.

...and now I'm fucked off that Blogger won't let me fucking past text. GAH.

My aunts got a call about an hour ago from our ex-neighbour, who lived next door to our old house. She called to let them know that a bunch of kids/teens have been hanging around the house and she heard something but wasn't sure, but thought they may have put something through the letterbox. So, my aunts went over to check it out, but this goes fucking above and beyond all the other shit they've had to put up with..

My aunt just called to tell me that these fucking idiots have completely smashed up the gate/fence to the back yard, kicked in the door, and dragged a disposable barbeque set inside the house - clearly they were planning to set it on FIRE and burn it fucking down.

At this point, I could not be HAPPIER THAT WE MOVED THE FUCK AWAY because seriously? No way in hell I would ever feel safe there again with this shit going down.

So the police are there now, my aunt's carpenter-builder friend is coming to do something about the door, and my aunts are coming back here when they're done with the police to get some stuff and are going to have to start sleeping there or something so somebody is there to watch over it I guess.

But the worst part of this, is that the house is attached to the one next door. Our old neighbour has two kids and is currently fostering a baby who isn't even a year old. Yet it's totally fun and okay for them to BURN THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN.

Seriously I'm so fucked off right now I don't even know what to do.

AND THERE IS NOBODY ONLINE TO VENT TO/BITCH WITH which is not helping the need to let off steam.

asdguasdahshdajbsdad

Fuck.

The Update That Wasn't

I started writing a blog entry about how I feel really restless today. About how yesterday was such a productive day, but today is crap even though it’s busy. Blah blah blah.

And now, I’m just annoyed. We just had a small meeting to do “awards”. Basically if someone does something great and you want them to get some recognition for it, we do Stars. People get little card stars that have the thing written on it and who it’s from and you can stick them on your computer or whatever. I don’t, because it’s lame and they’re shit. BUT, these count toward Star of the Month – whoever gets the most Stars or Nominations in the team, gets an extra half-day holiday for free. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s only February and I only have 2.5 holidays left to last me until the beginning of June. I will take all the days off I can get.

People got a bunch of stars for “giving positive feedback to such and such” and basically doing their Fing job. My friend got one for “Always staying until 5 to cover phones so most of the team can leave at 4.”

Well, considering he gives me a ride home EVERY DAY, you would think I’d get one too. No. I left early this week only, because I’m so far up on my hours at work that I won’t be able to carry them over to next month if I work any more extra time. But I get no recognition for that. Nobody’s every said anything about the fact that I did amazing in my training when they trained me to help out this other team. About how fast I got signed off on it and what great feedback I got from my trainer. About how I’ve been busting my ass to close a ton of work every day and that my effectiveness according to our system is always over 120%. About how, even though I’m doing all of this, I’m still spending two hours a day – working through my lunch hour – to do some extra work for my team. About the training I’ve been doing, the training notes I spent all morning yesterday putting together.

No, I got one nomination for coming in when it had snowed copious amounts overnight and only me and two other people bothered to show up. That’s it.

If people are going to get recognition and days off for things that are basic like “giving feedback to offshore team” or “answering my question about a recommencement” or “helping me out with a telephone query from a policy holder”, why do I get absolutely nothing for all the extra work I do every day?

It’s just not fucking worth it. I’m pissed off right now. Even though I said “I stay late every day, this week is the first time I’ve left early since before Christmas” it was just laughed off. Yet he gets a fucking star nomination for it, and I’m pretty sure that one extra meant he got the extra half day.

I’m such a fucking sore loser. But damnit, you’d be pissed too.

(037) 188.2lbs - Start of a bad day

So all in all, yesterday was a good day. I burned 400 calories at the gym, and stuck to my 400 day (maybe went over 20-50, I’m not 100% sure). I didn’t have anything big to eat when I got home, just a 99 calorie bag of Special K Mini Breaks, which was insanely yummy by the way. They taste a bit like chocolate Teddy Grahams to me. Mmm. Must not buy teddy grahams…

Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?

… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.

But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.

But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.

So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.

Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.

Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.

Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.

So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.

007: Day 4 of ABC. Also: the WORST DAY EVER

It is not even 10am yet, but already this is the worst day ever. Today could not have been a worse day had God himself decided to smite me in my sleep and I woke up this morning dead and decaying all over my beautiful bedding.

Last night, exhausted and bored, I went to bed around 9:30. Maybe the hunger was getting to me? Although to be perfectly honest, I didn’t actually feel hungry, I felt just fine. I was proud of the fact that I wasn’t hungry. But I was tired and went to bed early. I woke up, wiiide awake, convinced that it would of course only be a few minutes before my alarm was due to go off, because with me that is always the way. A glance at my phone, however, proved it was only 2:22 in the morning. Score! I could go back to sleep for a whole four and a half extra hours. Of course, I was WIDE awake and it took ages to fall back to sleep… Next thing I knew, I was 7:00, my alarm was going off and I had to get up. And now I was exhausted.

I got ready for work, gathering all the extra crap I needed. I even remembered to get my fruit salad, peach, and 10cal pot of jell-o (it’s not Jell-O brand because England doesn’t have Jell-O, but I feel weird calling the stuff “Jelly”) AND a spoon to eat it with! I was dropped off at my bus stop. And waited.

And waited.

Then I saw my bus up the street, about the turn onto the roundabout. I walked to the edge of the road to wait for it to come down. And it didn’t. It went straight across the roundabout. I was pissed. I went back and waited.

And waited.

And then I saw another bus. And once again, it went straight across the roundabout. By this time, I had been waiting at the bus stop for over half an hour. Everyone got on the next bus, after asking me what was up with my bus, and I said I had no idea. In the end I called the local Traveline, and asked the operator. She said they didn’t have anything on their system about the bus route being revised, and gave me the number to call my bus company’s office direct. So I did, and he told me that yes, it wasn’t coming down this way due to road works on the area where it comes back out onto the main road again. Wonderful. It would have been nice for someone to TELL US that. I told the man on the phone this and he said that there should have been notices on the bus.

Well I wouldn’t know would I? I’m not ON the fucking bus! I also told him that nobody I’d spoke to had seen any notices (and for the record, when I finally DID get on the bus? NO NOTICES)

So, fine, I decided to walk up to the next stop. Of course, since the bus was bypassing no fewer than six stops, the next available stop was a ways up the road, and up a hill. And let me make this clear to you all: I am wearing heels. Sometimes, I wear flat shoes or sneakers on the way to work and change into heels when I get there, but today, I figured I had a ride to the bus stop and I had a ride home at the end of the day, so I should be okay in the heels. However, the hill I had to walk up to get to the bus stop, it was covered in ice, and I nearly let my face hit the pavement about eighty times on the way. My leg muscles hurt from tensing up so much to try to keep my balance.

I was almost at the stop when TWO buses came in a row, but of course I could hardly run to catch them, not without breaking my face and/or ass. So I walked, and had to wait AGES for the next one to come. I didn’t get into work until nearly 9:30, a full two hours after I originally got to the bus stop, and more than an hour after I usually get into work (8:20 or thereabouts). NOT HAPPY.

And might I add that my fucking hairband is hurting my head and irritating the living hell right out of me.

Okay, now that that rant is over with, I’ll get back on topic. Sigh.

This morning, I weighed exactly 195.0lbs. Down 6.4lbs since last Wednesday yay!

Today I’ve already eaten my apple (cut into chunks and shaken in a sandwich bag with a teaspoon of splenda and some ground cinnamon), and I’m doing okay. I’ve also got:

A fruit salad: 30 raspberries and 30 blueberries: 53
One small peach: 31
One medium banana: 105
One medium orange: 62
One Jello cup: 10

Whatever I don’t eat at work today I’m going to take home and have with a 100kcal yogurt.

It’s Day 4 of ABC and that makes it a 400 calorie day. My total with all of the above comes to: 361

Which leaves me open for maybe a small salad with some nonfat vinaigrette or something later if I’m really hungry, and still under 400 calories.

So excited, this shouldn’t be a problem. That seems like a ton of fruit.

<3

Stay Beautiful, Ladies
Xxxxx

Vee x

PS, I’m also out of Splenda so have to wander up to Tesco at lunch to buy some. Ughh.

004: Do You Ever Feel Like...

You just can't do ANYTHING right?

Last night basically went to hell after I'd posted. I'd managed to have 4 cups of green tea with splenda, 4 cups of strawberry-raspberry-loganberry tea with splenda, and a 295cal frozen dinner. And that was it. I was feeling very proud of myself.

Then, my aunt got home from work and we all left to the cinema. My plan was to get a Coke Zero and check out the calorie content of the ice cream bars and things they sold there. Of course, My Bloody Valentine started last night and the place was absolutely PACKED. Even the express extra-special lineup for we Unlimited Card holders was HUGE. In the end, my aunts decided we'd go out to eat instead.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I couldn't get out of it. We were THERE already. And my aunts know that I'm dieting and when my aunt got home from work she was bragging that all she'd eaten yesterday was some soup and one slice of bread. She's not ED, she's just... weird. And manic-depressive so sometimes her eating habits are way out there. But anyway. She was carrying on as if nobody in the history of ever had had so little to eat and oh woe is her I must feel bad. So I made the mistake of saying "Well I had a lot of green tea at work and was on a green tea buzz so I wasn't hungry until I got home so all I'VE HAD was my frozen meal." Trying to shut her up.

So of course, they assumed I must be hungry, even though I had SAID I wasn't even hungry in spite of that. And they traipsed over to the restaurant across the parking lot place thing. Got seats. And I spent ages agonizing over the menu. My aunts ordered their starters and I said I didn't want one, and then they made a big deal about BUT LOOK THEY HAVE GARLIC BREAD - and people, I'm a garlic bread addict, if there was a Garlicaholics Anonymous, I'd be the chairperson. So I had to order that, although I didn't finish it. I was going to get a fish dish because I know it would be the healthiest, but unfortunately I still can't physically bring myself to eat fish, after a serious bout of food poisoning caused by fish two years ago. Long time to hold a grudge, I know, but I HAVE NEVER been that sick in my entire life.

So, I ordered chicken and mashed potatoes. Didn't finish either of them. And made a big deal about how sick I was feeling afterward. Which wasn't a lie. I stated previously that I have no problem with people who are mia but I personally don't purge because I'm like OCD about my teeth. My paranoia is intense. But last night at the restaurant, I was just about to excuse myself to the toilets to see if anyone was in there, when my aunt piped up that her stomach was upset. She spent the next 10 minutesin the only bathroom while her partner ate her dessert - and as soon as she got back, we left. And when I got home, I physically could not be sick. I have never been more pissed off at myself as I was in that moment.

So, I went over my 500 calorie limit for yesterday by maybe an extra 500, ugh. To compensate, I'm making today a Fast Day.

In addition to that, one of my housemates had also bought all the ingredients to make her Infamous Sausage Bake. Which is totally yummy, but EXTREMELY fattening. It's like, condensed cream of tomato soup with paxo stuffing with gravy with mashed potatoes with like twenty fatty pork sausages and fuck knows what else. The problem is, this has been my favourite food for like the past ten years, and I've only had it a handful of times. The last time she made it was when I first moved to England, which is more than four years ago now. And she's already bought the ingredients. I can't not eat it, I can't tell her I don't want it. Ugh. This was an upside to the year and a half I didn't eat pork: no fatty sausages!

So, today is a fast day, tomorrow I'll have to have some sausage bake, but I'll keep my portions small, and then fast again on Monday to make up for it. Then I'll pick up the ABC on Tuesday, on Day 4 (the day after the "scheduled" fast day anyway) and take it from there.
The only upside to all of this is that I dropped 0.8lbs since yesterday (even with the Restaurant ordeal), and as of this morning I've lost exact 4lbs in 3 days, and am at 197.4lbs right now. I'm approaching that half-stone mark and I'm excited.

In other news, we went to visit my grandmother today. And I feel like shit and am trying not to hate her.

We walked in and she was like "Hey, give me £5 for a book of raffle tickets I'm selling to raise money" And I'm like "WHAT five pounds? I have no money right now" and my aunts were saying the same thing. It's a really bad time for money right now. We asked what the prizes were out of interest, and my grandmother replied as if she were telling us they were the CROWNED MOTHERFUCKIN' JEWELS themselves. "A ticket to see Sheffield Wednesday Play. And second prize is Scuba Diving".

First of all, it needs to be said that I was a Season Ticket Holder for Sheffield United for two years. When I give two shits about football, I support Sheffield Wednesday's ANTICHRIST. I did say to her that No, that's not exactly a prize I would cherish. And I can be pretty claustrophobic so I doubt I could do scuba diving. I also have a MAJOR phobia of like, swimming in deep water and knowing there are big things under me. Like a whale or a fucking sunken ship. I would have a HEART ATTACK.

So anyway, I told her I have no money. It's six week between paydays because we got paid early at Christmas. I've already had to take two HUNDRED pounds out of my savings account this month. That money was supposed to be half of my flight to visit Canada this year. And she says "Well its for a good cause!!" and I was like I have to look after my own cause right now. I have bills to pay. Transport to work, food to buy.

And she got all pissed off and basically told me to "Shove it" and nevermind, and stormed off to put her tickets away. So then my aunt was saying she was just joking (she'd said some stuff as well about no money and she can't afford tickets for shit prizes or whatever) and my grandmother turned and glared at me and was like "Yeah but then SHE* started!"

Like it's my fault I have no money and don't want to waste £5 on a fucking raffle ticket, to win a prize to see the ONE FOOTBALL TEAM that I would never go to see because they are the archrivals of my team. She made me feel like a huge bitch and then basically ignored me the rest of the time we were there. And when we said we'd take the tickets and pay her the money when we had it later, she refused to give them to us: even though earlier it was her idea that we could do that.

SHE IS SO GOOD with guilt trips. I can never do anything right, especially not by this woman.

Oh, get this. She noticed I'd lost a little weight (nothing major but 4lbs is 4lbs I guess) and I told her four pounds, all happy. And then she looked at me sternly and was like "How, you're not starving yourself, are you?"

I didn't know what to say. I told her no, I wasn't. Which to be honest is true: with all the drama of the past week and the fucking takeout food and restaurants, I haven't really. But trust her to basically tell me that hey, the only way I could conceivably lose any weight in any period of time is to just stop eating altogether. WAY TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

I am so pissed right now it's not even funny. I wanted to burst into tears and just stalk out.

Anyway before I head off, I want to ask you to keep your fingers crossed for me. This fast day is going mostly okay. It's 5pm and I did have to break it to eat nine grapes. But I was so pissed off and upset by the deal at my grandmother's house (it might not sound like a lot but this woman makes me fucking crazy upset) I just wanted to come home and comfort eat. So I just ate the rest of the grapes I'd bought that wouldn't fit into the plastic container in the freezer (I'm freezing them as a crunchy snack). So 9 grapes. I have a Sprite Zero to take to the cinema, and that's all I'm planning on having. Wish me luck

Stay Beautiful xxx