Saturday, 17 January 2009

004: Do You Ever Feel Like...

You just can't do ANYTHING right?

Last night basically went to hell after I'd posted. I'd managed to have 4 cups of green tea with splenda, 4 cups of strawberry-raspberry-loganberry tea with splenda, and a 295cal frozen dinner. And that was it. I was feeling very proud of myself.

Then, my aunt got home from work and we all left to the cinema. My plan was to get a Coke Zero and check out the calorie content of the ice cream bars and things they sold there. Of course, My Bloody Valentine started last night and the place was absolutely PACKED. Even the express extra-special lineup for we Unlimited Card holders was HUGE. In the end, my aunts decided we'd go out to eat instead.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I couldn't get out of it. We were THERE already. And my aunts know that I'm dieting and when my aunt got home from work she was bragging that all she'd eaten yesterday was some soup and one slice of bread. She's not ED, she's just... weird. And manic-depressive so sometimes her eating habits are way out there. But anyway. She was carrying on as if nobody in the history of ever had had so little to eat and oh woe is her I must feel bad. So I made the mistake of saying "Well I had a lot of green tea at work and was on a green tea buzz so I wasn't hungry until I got home so all I'VE HAD was my frozen meal." Trying to shut her up.

So of course, they assumed I must be hungry, even though I had SAID I wasn't even hungry in spite of that. And they traipsed over to the restaurant across the parking lot place thing. Got seats. And I spent ages agonizing over the menu. My aunts ordered their starters and I said I didn't want one, and then they made a big deal about BUT LOOK THEY HAVE GARLIC BREAD - and people, I'm a garlic bread addict, if there was a Garlicaholics Anonymous, I'd be the chairperson. So I had to order that, although I didn't finish it. I was going to get a fish dish because I know it would be the healthiest, but unfortunately I still can't physically bring myself to eat fish, after a serious bout of food poisoning caused by fish two years ago. Long time to hold a grudge, I know, but I HAVE NEVER been that sick in my entire life.

So, I ordered chicken and mashed potatoes. Didn't finish either of them. And made a big deal about how sick I was feeling afterward. Which wasn't a lie. I stated previously that I have no problem with people who are mia but I personally don't purge because I'm like OCD about my teeth. My paranoia is intense. But last night at the restaurant, I was just about to excuse myself to the toilets to see if anyone was in there, when my aunt piped up that her stomach was upset. She spent the next 10 minutesin the only bathroom while her partner ate her dessert - and as soon as she got back, we left. And when I got home, I physically could not be sick. I have never been more pissed off at myself as I was in that moment.

So, I went over my 500 calorie limit for yesterday by maybe an extra 500, ugh. To compensate, I'm making today a Fast Day.

In addition to that, one of my housemates had also bought all the ingredients to make her Infamous Sausage Bake. Which is totally yummy, but EXTREMELY fattening. It's like, condensed cream of tomato soup with paxo stuffing with gravy with mashed potatoes with like twenty fatty pork sausages and fuck knows what else. The problem is, this has been my favourite food for like the past ten years, and I've only had it a handful of times. The last time she made it was when I first moved to England, which is more than four years ago now. And she's already bought the ingredients. I can't not eat it, I can't tell her I don't want it. Ugh. This was an upside to the year and a half I didn't eat pork: no fatty sausages!

So, today is a fast day, tomorrow I'll have to have some sausage bake, but I'll keep my portions small, and then fast again on Monday to make up for it. Then I'll pick up the ABC on Tuesday, on Day 4 (the day after the "scheduled" fast day anyway) and take it from there.
The only upside to all of this is that I dropped 0.8lbs since yesterday (even with the Restaurant ordeal), and as of this morning I've lost exact 4lbs in 3 days, and am at 197.4lbs right now. I'm approaching that half-stone mark and I'm excited.

In other news, we went to visit my grandmother today. And I feel like shit and am trying not to hate her.

We walked in and she was like "Hey, give me £5 for a book of raffle tickets I'm selling to raise money" And I'm like "WHAT five pounds? I have no money right now" and my aunts were saying the same thing. It's a really bad time for money right now. We asked what the prizes were out of interest, and my grandmother replied as if she were telling us they were the CROWNED MOTHERFUCKIN' JEWELS themselves. "A ticket to see Sheffield Wednesday Play. And second prize is Scuba Diving".

First of all, it needs to be said that I was a Season Ticket Holder for Sheffield United for two years. When I give two shits about football, I support Sheffield Wednesday's ANTICHRIST. I did say to her that No, that's not exactly a prize I would cherish. And I can be pretty claustrophobic so I doubt I could do scuba diving. I also have a MAJOR phobia of like, swimming in deep water and knowing there are big things under me. Like a whale or a fucking sunken ship. I would have a HEART ATTACK.

So anyway, I told her I have no money. It's six week between paydays because we got paid early at Christmas. I've already had to take two HUNDRED pounds out of my savings account this month. That money was supposed to be half of my flight to visit Canada this year. And she says "Well its for a good cause!!" and I was like I have to look after my own cause right now. I have bills to pay. Transport to work, food to buy.

And she got all pissed off and basically told me to "Shove it" and nevermind, and stormed off to put her tickets away. So then my aunt was saying she was just joking (she'd said some stuff as well about no money and she can't afford tickets for shit prizes or whatever) and my grandmother turned and glared at me and was like "Yeah but then SHE* started!"

Like it's my fault I have no money and don't want to waste £5 on a fucking raffle ticket, to win a prize to see the ONE FOOTBALL TEAM that I would never go to see because they are the archrivals of my team. She made me feel like a huge bitch and then basically ignored me the rest of the time we were there. And when we said we'd take the tickets and pay her the money when we had it later, she refused to give them to us: even though earlier it was her idea that we could do that.

SHE IS SO GOOD with guilt trips. I can never do anything right, especially not by this woman.

Oh, get this. She noticed I'd lost a little weight (nothing major but 4lbs is 4lbs I guess) and I told her four pounds, all happy. And then she looked at me sternly and was like "How, you're not starving yourself, are you?"

I didn't know what to say. I told her no, I wasn't. Which to be honest is true: with all the drama of the past week and the fucking takeout food and restaurants, I haven't really. But trust her to basically tell me that hey, the only way I could conceivably lose any weight in any period of time is to just stop eating altogether. WAY TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

I am so pissed right now it's not even funny. I wanted to burst into tears and just stalk out.

Anyway before I head off, I want to ask you to keep your fingers crossed for me. This fast day is going mostly okay. It's 5pm and I did have to break it to eat nine grapes. But I was so pissed off and upset by the deal at my grandmother's house (it might not sound like a lot but this woman makes me fucking crazy upset) I just wanted to come home and comfort eat. So I just ate the rest of the grapes I'd bought that wouldn't fit into the plastic container in the freezer (I'm freezing them as a crunchy snack). So 9 grapes. I have a Sprite Zero to take to the cinema, and that's all I'm planning on having. Wish me luck

Stay Beautiful xxx

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