That's how much I'm down FINALLY, again. which makes it 5.6lbs lost to date, which isn't too bad I guess.
I'm absolutely fucking freezing. The air conditioning in this place is turned up high. And someone in the team across from me has decided to turn on the fluorescents over our banks of desks. So now, I also have a motherfucking headache.
My grandparents are coming over tonight to see me before I go away, and to give me some clothes to take over for my nephew. I’m tired, I can’t be bothered, and I *really* need to pack tonight.
Busy times.
Showing posts with label bad day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad day. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Monday, 24 August 2009
I'd say good morning, but it's not
Shit things are shit.
Yesterday wasn’t too bad, except that I had to go out for dinner with my aunts. I had planned on going for some fish or something but all they had in fish was some gross sounding fishcake or battered, deep-fried fish. Un-awesome. So I went for ravioli instead, didn’t eat the bread that came with it, and skipped the amazing looking desserts.
Unfortunately, my scale registered another half pound gain this morning, which means I’m only down 5lbs and I’ve only got 4 days left to lose. So, for the rest of the week I’m staying under 300 calories a day. Today will be a 220 calorie frozen meal, as will tomorrow. Wednesday will be 250, and I’m going to try to get away with fasting on Thursday but knowing my luck my aunts will make a “family meal” because I’m going away the next day. We shall see!
Wish me luck, I’ll need it.
Yesterday wasn’t too bad, except that I had to go out for dinner with my aunts. I had planned on going for some fish or something but all they had in fish was some gross sounding fishcake or battered, deep-fried fish. Un-awesome. So I went for ravioli instead, didn’t eat the bread that came with it, and skipped the amazing looking desserts.
Unfortunately, my scale registered another half pound gain this morning, which means I’m only down 5lbs and I’ve only got 4 days left to lose. So, for the rest of the week I’m staying under 300 calories a day. Today will be a 220 calorie frozen meal, as will tomorrow. Wednesday will be 250, and I’m going to try to get away with fasting on Thursday but knowing my luck my aunts will make a “family meal” because I’m going away the next day. We shall see!
Wish me luck, I’ll need it.
Friday, 21 August 2009
That Bloated Feeling
Bleh. Today, I'm in a pretty good mood, but unfortunately I feel physically shit.
Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).
But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!
But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.
Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.
Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.
Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]
Hope you're all having a good day!
Stay strong,
Vee xox
Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).
But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!
But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.
Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.
Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.
Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]
Hope you're all having a good day!
Stay strong,
Vee xox
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
I am such a god damn idiot.
I just went to the drinks machine like a good little girl to get two cups of cold water and one of hot water with which to make coffee.
When I went to pick them up, I KNOCKED OVER THE HOT WATER AND SPILLED IT ALL THE FUCK OVER MYSELF.
Fuck my life.
My left wrist hurts and is slightly burny-feeling so I probably scalded it a bit and the edge of my hoodie sleeve cuff thing is damp and has gone all cold. I also managed to spill down my left thigh, luckily NOT the general crotch area! - and then further down near my ankle. The ankle-spill didn't touch skin so no biggie, but the thigh-spill is uncomfortable although I did manage to soak most of the water out of my trousers with some conveniently-supplied paper towels.
Fucksakes. Even water is my god damn enemy.
I just went to the drinks machine like a good little girl to get two cups of cold water and one of hot water with which to make coffee.
When I went to pick them up, I KNOCKED OVER THE HOT WATER AND SPILLED IT ALL THE FUCK OVER MYSELF.
Fuck my life.
My left wrist hurts and is slightly burny-feeling so I probably scalded it a bit and the edge of my hoodie sleeve cuff thing is damp and has gone all cold. I also managed to spill down my left thigh, luckily NOT the general crotch area! - and then further down near my ankle. The ankle-spill didn't touch skin so no biggie, but the thigh-spill is uncomfortable although I did manage to soak most of the water out of my trousers with some conveniently-supplied paper towels.
Fucksakes. Even water is my god damn enemy.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Confession (graphicness warning!)
Tonight was kind of bad. Not as bad as it could have been but just bad.
I was really down this evening, still. And for some reason I decided to make it worse and have a handful of Doritos instead of soup or anything. Only a handful turned into more than I should have eaten. So then I Started freaking out and felt really sick and dizzy and went and purged as much as I could. Only, because I'd barey had anything to drink all day, the stuff at the bottom was all dry and horrible and thick and SCRAPED up my throat and I thought I was going to choke to death on it. And then afterward I just felt really sick and dizzy and headachey and horrible and had a lot to drink and went to bed and just passed out for like 2 or 3 hours.
Everytime I purge (whether I make myself do it or it happens "on its own" so to speak) I always feel terrible. All night I've felt really sick like I've got a ridiculous cold and just all around yickiness. I think I have a fever since I'm super hot, which is not like me - I am ALWAYS cold. But this just backs up the fact that I could never, ever give over to Mia and live my life with her. To me, it's not worth feeling like this.
Anyway, tomorrow will be my scheduled fast day as my aunts won't be home until around 8 (maybe later) tomorrow so I can definitely get away without having anything at all. And I am damn well going to stick to it.
It totally helps that the idea of eating anything right now turns my stomach =P
Night folks, hope you've had a good one!
I was really down this evening, still. And for some reason I decided to make it worse and have a handful of Doritos instead of soup or anything. Only a handful turned into more than I should have eaten. So then I Started freaking out and felt really sick and dizzy and went and purged as much as I could. Only, because I'd barey had anything to drink all day, the stuff at the bottom was all dry and horrible and thick and SCRAPED up my throat and I thought I was going to choke to death on it. And then afterward I just felt really sick and dizzy and headachey and horrible and had a lot to drink and went to bed and just passed out for like 2 or 3 hours.
Everytime I purge (whether I make myself do it or it happens "on its own" so to speak) I always feel terrible. All night I've felt really sick like I've got a ridiculous cold and just all around yickiness. I think I have a fever since I'm super hot, which is not like me - I am ALWAYS cold. But this just backs up the fact that I could never, ever give over to Mia and live my life with her. To me, it's not worth feeling like this.
Anyway, tomorrow will be my scheduled fast day as my aunts won't be home until around 8 (maybe later) tomorrow so I can definitely get away without having anything at all. And I am damn well going to stick to it.
It totally helps that the idea of eating anything right now turns my stomach =P
Night folks, hope you've had a good one!
Bleh
I'm a bit all over the place right now, which is why I haven't commented back to most comments yet, and for that I apologise. I will get around to it tonight, I promise. I always feel like such a flake when I don't reply back right away. Which is another reason why I'm going to stick to replying to comments within my/your comments instead of doing comment posts... because I tend to post more than once a day and don't comment back every day (like I should) it gets a little mixed up and convoluted... So, comments will remain in-comments.
I will reply to every one (eventually) so if I haven't commented on your blog, it'll be in my own comments <3
Anyway, as to my "all over the place". It's so weird, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and a manic episode at the same time. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm ready to burst out of myself, like my inside is thrumming and giddy and trembling with anticipation. Anticipation for what, I have no idea, since nearly everything is shit-tastic right now.
I feel excited and ridiculously depressed at the same time. And I realize that makes no sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm going to burst out into a hysterical giggling fit at any given moment, yet at the same time I still feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going crazy.
How is it possible to be pissed off and depressed, and yet still be in a quazi-good mood? Once again, my own physiology confuses me. I bet I'd be a prize subject for science to study.
Bleh, I don't even know where I'm going with this.
I just feel like there's so much in my life that is a mess and that I need to work on and improve, but I don't know where to start and I'm not even sure I have the motivation to do it. Take, for example, my impending trip back over the Atlantic.
On the one hand, I'm looking forward to visiting Canada. Mostly, I'm looking forward to shopping at Sephora and getting some REAL cowboy boots (which, by my research, will cost between $150-200, by the way), and seeing a couple of friends and my mom and brother and sister and nephew. I'm looking forward to having some time off work.
But I'm not looking forward to seeing friends at the same time. Because I'm huge. The last time I went to Canada was just over three years ago, and I was about 10lbs lighter than I am now. The past couple of months my weight has exploded and I'm struggling to get it back under control. My two-week personal challenge started off great, dropping 1.4lbs in the first 24 hours. But then on the weekend, I didn't lose at all, and last night I managed to GAIN half a pound back, due to snacking on ritz crackers and peanut butter.
I fail. At everything.
Because the worst part is that I'm looking forward to Canadian food, like poutine and my mom's beef dip. I know I'm going to have to restrict and be very careful if I want to NOT gain anything while I'm there, but it's going to be so hard not to binge. Luckily I'm bringing my laptop with me and will be able to check in every day, and having to post stats here will be more likely to keep me under control.
That, and the fact that money I don't spend on eating out can be spent on that MUFE HD Foundation I want so badly instead, and a new pair of leather, four-inch block-heeled rubber(ish?) soled boots!
Which brings me to an aside, in that a lot of England's footwear sucks. Don't get me wrong, Schuh sells some amazing stilettos and hooker-heels and skater-shoes and Rocket Dog flats. But boots. I love me some heeled leather boots. When I lived in Canada I had a nice pair that had a block-heel with rubber soles that had a decent level of gripping in there, and were perfect for trudging through the snow and stopping my clumsy ass from breaking my face on the ice all over the place in the winter. But when I finally had to get rid of them, I was never able to find a decent substitute. The only decent pair of boots I have right now are some leather Hush Puppies with a heel, but they are in no way suitable for wear during winter and in ice.
So anyway. I need to not eat so that I can instead shop. Which is true for my day-to-day life also, to be fair.
Also, I'm in a kind of antisocial period right now. I don't know why but I've been slacking on my email and IM correspondence with friends back home, and little things are really getting under my skin. I can only assume it's because I'm depressed at my physical situation, and the fact that I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER now that I've paid my trip to Cancun on my credit card. Oh GOD, I really, really, need to lose all this lard before I go to Mexico..
It's weird, after writing all of this I feel a little bit more placcid. I still feel that shakiness inside but it's not AS bad. I feel more like... I CAN get control of myself.
Which brings me to today's plan.
Two 10-calorie soups.
That is it. It's 11:45 in the morning right now, and around 1 I think I'll go get some hot water for the first one. Second one when I get home.
And. AND. Tomorrow I am planning a fast-day =] My aunts will be at their "Fat Club" when I get home, and shouldn't be home until around 8, at which point I can hop in the shower and spend the rest of the night taming my wild tresses and go straight to bed. I haven't done a fast day in SO long, so tomorrow will be it!
Fingers crossed these two days will get my weight-loss jumpstarted again.
Also, I really need to start working out. I've been so lazy lately, but I still haven't been sleeping so it's been hard to find any energy reserves at all to do anything.
Thanks for listening darlings. I love you all!
<3
I will reply to every one (eventually) so if I haven't commented on your blog, it'll be in my own comments <3
Anyway, as to my "all over the place". It's so weird, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and a manic episode at the same time. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm ready to burst out of myself, like my inside is thrumming and giddy and trembling with anticipation. Anticipation for what, I have no idea, since nearly everything is shit-tastic right now.
I feel excited and ridiculously depressed at the same time. And I realize that makes no sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm going to burst out into a hysterical giggling fit at any given moment, yet at the same time I still feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going crazy.
How is it possible to be pissed off and depressed, and yet still be in a quazi-good mood? Once again, my own physiology confuses me. I bet I'd be a prize subject for science to study.
Bleh, I don't even know where I'm going with this.
I just feel like there's so much in my life that is a mess and that I need to work on and improve, but I don't know where to start and I'm not even sure I have the motivation to do it. Take, for example, my impending trip back over the Atlantic.
On the one hand, I'm looking forward to visiting Canada. Mostly, I'm looking forward to shopping at Sephora and getting some REAL cowboy boots (which, by my research, will cost between $150-200, by the way), and seeing a couple of friends and my mom and brother and sister and nephew. I'm looking forward to having some time off work.
But I'm not looking forward to seeing friends at the same time. Because I'm huge. The last time I went to Canada was just over three years ago, and I was about 10lbs lighter than I am now. The past couple of months my weight has exploded and I'm struggling to get it back under control. My two-week personal challenge started off great, dropping 1.4lbs in the first 24 hours. But then on the weekend, I didn't lose at all, and last night I managed to GAIN half a pound back, due to snacking on ritz crackers and peanut butter.
I fail. At everything.
Because the worst part is that I'm looking forward to Canadian food, like poutine and my mom's beef dip. I know I'm going to have to restrict and be very careful if I want to NOT gain anything while I'm there, but it's going to be so hard not to binge. Luckily I'm bringing my laptop with me and will be able to check in every day, and having to post stats here will be more likely to keep me under control.
That, and the fact that money I don't spend on eating out can be spent on that MUFE HD Foundation I want so badly instead, and a new pair of leather, four-inch block-heeled rubber(ish?) soled boots!
Which brings me to an aside, in that a lot of England's footwear sucks. Don't get me wrong, Schuh sells some amazing stilettos and hooker-heels and skater-shoes and Rocket Dog flats. But boots. I love me some heeled leather boots. When I lived in Canada I had a nice pair that had a block-heel with rubber soles that had a decent level of gripping in there, and were perfect for trudging through the snow and stopping my clumsy ass from breaking my face on the ice all over the place in the winter. But when I finally had to get rid of them, I was never able to find a decent substitute. The only decent pair of boots I have right now are some leather Hush Puppies with a heel, but they are in no way suitable for wear during winter and in ice.
So anyway. I need to not eat so that I can instead shop. Which is true for my day-to-day life also, to be fair.
Also, I'm in a kind of antisocial period right now. I don't know why but I've been slacking on my email and IM correspondence with friends back home, and little things are really getting under my skin. I can only assume it's because I'm depressed at my physical situation, and the fact that I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER now that I've paid my trip to Cancun on my credit card. Oh GOD, I really, really, need to lose all this lard before I go to Mexico..
It's weird, after writing all of this I feel a little bit more placcid. I still feel that shakiness inside but it's not AS bad. I feel more like... I CAN get control of myself.
Which brings me to today's plan.
Two 10-calorie soups.
That is it. It's 11:45 in the morning right now, and around 1 I think I'll go get some hot water for the first one. Second one when I get home.
And. AND. Tomorrow I am planning a fast-day =] My aunts will be at their "Fat Club" when I get home, and shouldn't be home until around 8, at which point I can hop in the shower and spend the rest of the night taming my wild tresses and go straight to bed. I haven't done a fast day in SO long, so tomorrow will be it!
Fingers crossed these two days will get my weight-loss jumpstarted again.
Also, I really need to start working out. I've been so lazy lately, but I still haven't been sleeping so it's been hard to find any energy reserves at all to do anything.
Thanks for listening darlings. I love you all!
<3
Monday, 17 August 2009
The Weekend of Suck
This weekend was made of fail. Mostly because it was made of migraines.
It started off okay - woke up Saturday morning 1.4lbs lighter than I had on Friday! Score! Went to the mall and a craft shop to pick up some things I needed, and managed to get my hands on two new Dean Koontz books. Double-Score!
But halfway through our trek through the mall, my head started pounding ominously. And it only got worse. I drank two bottles of fruit juice hoping it was dehydration or something, but no dice. So I got a small bag of crisps and had most of them, hoping the salty goodness would stave off the migraine if it was due to lack of food. Again, no dice.
By the time we got home I was nearly in tears. I had a little pasta to eat, still praying that carbs would do the job (although I ate pasta, I didn't go over much for the day, my total was around 600 with the crisps so it's not TOO bad). But I couldn't even finish eating because the headache was making me feel ridiculously sick - and my migraine pills weren't doing anything. So I lie in bed trying not to be sick - and all the while thinking how great it would be if my migraine DID make me sick, because no calories and technically it wasn't making myself sick - and took some more painkillers. By 9 at night the migraine had centred over... well, the entire right half of my head. But it wasn't as bad as it had been, so I went down to talk to my aunts for a while. But, it reared right back up as soon as I got out of bed, so I soon wandered back and stayed there for the night.
Around 6 yesterday morning, I woke up and my head was killing me still/again. I got up and took some more migraine pills, but immediately started feeling sick and had to take out my retainer so I could sit in the bathroom for 15 minutes and wait for the sick feeling to pass. It didn't, but I wound up getting a wash cloth and soaking it in very cold water, before going back to bed. In the end, I put the cloth - water and all - on one of my pillows, pressed my face into the pillow so the cold water was bathing the section over my brow that was throbbing the worst, and finally managed to fall asleep. BUT then around 11 my grandparents turned up and I had to get up and get dressed. More painkillers and two and a half hours later and I went back to bed until 5.
Last night it was finally starting to ease up, although it's still throbbing a bit in the same spot today. At least it's not a full on migraine.
In the end, even though I didn't go over calories yesterday, I still didn't lose any today. Sigh.
So total loss so far is 1.4lbs - which isn't TOO bad I suppose since it still averages to half a pound a day, right?
Oh yeah, and it was my mom's birthday yesterday and when I spoke to her on the phone in the evening she was depressed and in tears. My grandmother had forgot her own daughter's birthday, and nobody over there was acting like they gave half a shit. She had to go out and buy stuff to cook dinner for her husband and my brother. My stepdad went out to get her a card while I was on the phone with her. No presents.
Yeah, happy fucking birthday.
I hope you guys had a better weekend than I did =/
Vee xox
It started off okay - woke up Saturday morning 1.4lbs lighter than I had on Friday! Score! Went to the mall and a craft shop to pick up some things I needed, and managed to get my hands on two new Dean Koontz books. Double-Score!
But halfway through our trek through the mall, my head started pounding ominously. And it only got worse. I drank two bottles of fruit juice hoping it was dehydration or something, but no dice. So I got a small bag of crisps and had most of them, hoping the salty goodness would stave off the migraine if it was due to lack of food. Again, no dice.
By the time we got home I was nearly in tears. I had a little pasta to eat, still praying that carbs would do the job (although I ate pasta, I didn't go over much for the day, my total was around 600 with the crisps so it's not TOO bad). But I couldn't even finish eating because the headache was making me feel ridiculously sick - and my migraine pills weren't doing anything. So I lie in bed trying not to be sick - and all the while thinking how great it would be if my migraine DID make me sick, because no calories and technically it wasn't making myself sick - and took some more painkillers. By 9 at night the migraine had centred over... well, the entire right half of my head. But it wasn't as bad as it had been, so I went down to talk to my aunts for a while. But, it reared right back up as soon as I got out of bed, so I soon wandered back and stayed there for the night.
Around 6 yesterday morning, I woke up and my head was killing me still/again. I got up and took some more migraine pills, but immediately started feeling sick and had to take out my retainer so I could sit in the bathroom for 15 minutes and wait for the sick feeling to pass. It didn't, but I wound up getting a wash cloth and soaking it in very cold water, before going back to bed. In the end, I put the cloth - water and all - on one of my pillows, pressed my face into the pillow so the cold water was bathing the section over my brow that was throbbing the worst, and finally managed to fall asleep. BUT then around 11 my grandparents turned up and I had to get up and get dressed. More painkillers and two and a half hours later and I went back to bed until 5.
Last night it was finally starting to ease up, although it's still throbbing a bit in the same spot today. At least it's not a full on migraine.
In the end, even though I didn't go over calories yesterday, I still didn't lose any today. Sigh.
So total loss so far is 1.4lbs - which isn't TOO bad I suppose since it still averages to half a pound a day, right?
Oh yeah, and it was my mom's birthday yesterday and when I spoke to her on the phone in the evening she was depressed and in tears. My grandmother had forgot her own daughter's birthday, and nobody over there was acting like they gave half a shit. She had to go out and buy stuff to cook dinner for her husband and my brother. My stepdad went out to get her a card while I was on the phone with her. No presents.
Yeah, happy fucking birthday.
I hope you guys had a better weekend than I did =/
Vee xox
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Bad times
I'm on fucking phones at work today and it's irritating me already. I hadn't even logged onto the system when someone handed me my first call from someone else's phone, and I had to deal with that. Started getting on with my first piece of actual work and the phone rang again - someone from our Indian contact centre with a client on the line who was super pissed off... so I had to ask two other people to find an answer to the question, finally figured it out and came back - and the person had hung up on me. AWESOME. So I just wasted 20 minutes, instead of actually getting some of my own work done.
Also was stressed this morning because my aunt is still in the hospital and yesterday she was running a fever and she said her stomach felt like it was swelling a little bit. I wasn't too highly concerned, the doctors were going to look into the fever and deal with it. But this morning J was telling me about how, when her dad went into the hospital to have a botched hip replacement redone, he was running a fever and his stomach was swelling. And then it turned out the swollen stomach was due to a ruptured intestine and he was vomiting fecal matter. And a few days later HE FUCKING DIED.
So then all morning I've been stressed to all hell, but I've just texted J to ask how my aunt is doing and she said "better this morning, hopefully coming home tomorrow. going to try her on a light meal today" (she hasn't eaten yet, just liquids since the surgery). So, all seems well now.
My stress plus having to eat at the hospital meant that my intake was way over what it should have been the past two days and as a result of that and probably late gain from the weekend, I'm up 2lbs. Which I expected after Saturday anyway so I'm not TOO depressed over it. Getting back into business today though so I will be back down soon. On the upside, my stress today is making me feel sick which is making the idea of food make me even more nauseous so huzzah!
Um. Thanks for your comments about my story. I'm going to take it down but if anyone wants to read it, leave me a comment with a way to contact you and I'll email you my writing.com account address.
God, I'm so all over the place today I can't even remember what the shit I was going to write about. I've got to try to get something done before the phone goes again so I'll write more later, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'm doing mostly okay but I am stressed the shit out.
Love you all,
Vee xox
Also was stressed this morning because my aunt is still in the hospital and yesterday she was running a fever and she said her stomach felt like it was swelling a little bit. I wasn't too highly concerned, the doctors were going to look into the fever and deal with it. But this morning J was telling me about how, when her dad went into the hospital to have a botched hip replacement redone, he was running a fever and his stomach was swelling. And then it turned out the swollen stomach was due to a ruptured intestine and he was vomiting fecal matter. And a few days later HE FUCKING DIED.
So then all morning I've been stressed to all hell, but I've just texted J to ask how my aunt is doing and she said "better this morning, hopefully coming home tomorrow. going to try her on a light meal today" (she hasn't eaten yet, just liquids since the surgery). So, all seems well now.
My stress plus having to eat at the hospital meant that my intake was way over what it should have been the past two days and as a result of that and probably late gain from the weekend, I'm up 2lbs. Which I expected after Saturday anyway so I'm not TOO depressed over it. Getting back into business today though so I will be back down soon. On the upside, my stress today is making me feel sick which is making the idea of food make me even more nauseous so huzzah!
Um. Thanks for your comments about my story. I'm going to take it down but if anyone wants to read it, leave me a comment with a way to contact you and I'll email you my writing.com account address.
God, I'm so all over the place today I can't even remember what the shit I was going to write about. I've got to try to get something done before the phone goes again so I'll write more later, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'm doing mostly okay but I am stressed the shit out.
Love you all,
Vee xox
Monday, 3 August 2009
Ugh
Full post to come later because I need to fit a nap in before I go back to visit my aunt at the hospital in a few hours (after waiting five hours for her to go into surgery at noon today >.<)
But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.
But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.
Monday, 20 July 2009
Cancer: Not The Crab
I mentioned in my previous post of bad times about cancer in the family. So, for those who are interested, here’s the full story.
Near the end of last year, my grandma’s sister (my great-aunt) was pretty sick. She had a bunch of tests done and her doctor said she had some condition that could potentially be a precursor to leukaemia. She had been undergoing treatment for that.
Now, though, my grandmother had told us that my great-aunt HAS cancer. I need to do some research to find the name and implications, but it’s essentially the opposite of Leukaemia – in that, her body is not producing white blood cells.
She can’t have a bone marrow transplant because her doctor said point-blank, it would kill her.
She’s currently having blood transfusions to keep her going. However, her doctor said she can have twenty of these – after 20 transfusions, they will be doing more harm than good to her body and would slowly kill her over time anyway.
So far in her treatment, she has had 8. Next month she has another 2. That leaves 10 transfusions, which is maybe 5 months if she’s having one every fortnight.
After the transfusions have stopped, there is some drug that she MIGHT be able to take, an injection into the spine. The injections, if she takes them, will eventually render her paralyzed below the waist.
The injections are administered monthly. Each one costs £1,000. And they are NOT covered by the NHS. My great-uncle has already been paying privately for her treatment; he’s now having to put their (super, super nice!) house up for sale now to try to get the money for the injections.
He has a friend in Dubai who owns a company that is the equivalent of Boots (or, I guess, like a Shopper’s Drug Mart in North America?) – that is to say, it deals in pharmaceuticals and prescriptions. He’s going to see if he can get the medication cheaper for them.
But, here’s the stinker. It’s not a guarantee that she’ll be able to take this medication. Even if she does, the cost is exorbitant, and will paralyze her. And they might not work.
If she can’t get them, or they don’t work… well, once the transfusions have stopped, she has six months to live.
Bad times.
Perhaps the saddest part is that she's planning a party in October - a big get-together, so she can have her family all together and see everyone one last time.
And the part that makes ME the saddest, is that my mom isn't coming.
Near the end of last year, my grandma’s sister (my great-aunt) was pretty sick. She had a bunch of tests done and her doctor said she had some condition that could potentially be a precursor to leukaemia. She had been undergoing treatment for that.
Now, though, my grandmother had told us that my great-aunt HAS cancer. I need to do some research to find the name and implications, but it’s essentially the opposite of Leukaemia – in that, her body is not producing white blood cells.
She can’t have a bone marrow transplant because her doctor said point-blank, it would kill her.
She’s currently having blood transfusions to keep her going. However, her doctor said she can have twenty of these – after 20 transfusions, they will be doing more harm than good to her body and would slowly kill her over time anyway.
So far in her treatment, she has had 8. Next month she has another 2. That leaves 10 transfusions, which is maybe 5 months if she’s having one every fortnight.
After the transfusions have stopped, there is some drug that she MIGHT be able to take, an injection into the spine. The injections, if she takes them, will eventually render her paralyzed below the waist.
The injections are administered monthly. Each one costs £1,000. And they are NOT covered by the NHS. My great-uncle has already been paying privately for her treatment; he’s now having to put their (super, super nice!) house up for sale now to try to get the money for the injections.
He has a friend in Dubai who owns a company that is the equivalent of Boots (or, I guess, like a Shopper’s Drug Mart in North America?) – that is to say, it deals in pharmaceuticals and prescriptions. He’s going to see if he can get the medication cheaper for them.
But, here’s the stinker. It’s not a guarantee that she’ll be able to take this medication. Even if she does, the cost is exorbitant, and will paralyze her. And they might not work.
If she can’t get them, or they don’t work… well, once the transfusions have stopped, she has six months to live.
Bad times.
Perhaps the saddest part is that she's planning a party in October - a big get-together, so she can have her family all together and see everyone one last time.
And the part that makes ME the saddest, is that my mom isn't coming.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Trying to Stay Motivated
This morning I woke up exactly the same as I did yesterday. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I'm so stressed out and depressed right now, it's stupid. I don't even have a real reason to be stressed out and depressed, so maybe I'm just going through a bit of a downer phase. The very thought of trying to find space to unpack all of my shit makes me want to pass out. Honestly, I have SO MUCH SHIT. And I can't even think of anything to get rid of. Because damn it, I spent good money on accumulating this shit, and the minute I throw it away is the minute I'll need it again.
I'm such a damn pack rat.
I have so much art "stuff". Sketch books and artist pencils and charcoal and fine-tipped pens for inking in line art. But the sad truth is that I haven't touched a sketch book in... well. Over a year at least, I haven't touched any of it since I moved in with my aunts. I love to draw, but my perfectionism outweighs the level of my talent and whenever I try, I just get pissed off. It doesn't help that ALL I can draw are cartooney figures. And even then, only chicks. So really, what's the point, right?
And yet, I keep it. I've always been very creative and artistic, and even though I haven't touched any of it in over a year, it feels like a sin to get rid of it.
Ditto with my guitar. I wanted a guitar for YEARS. When I moved here, the first year I was here, on November 12th 2004, my aunt bought me a second-hand acoustic from a cash converters place. Early Christmas present. And I was SO excited. I printed off guitar tabs from the internet and set to work trying to learn, well, anything.
That was nearly five years ago, and I can only play one song. I can fumble through another VERY, retardedly, slowly. I almost never try. It feels like a lost cause because I've been learning so god damn slowly, don't know where to start.
This has given me a little bit of insight into my too-ready-to-give-up nature. And realizing it makes me more determined than ever to prove myself wrong and reach ONE of my god damn goals. Every other goal I've set just never happened.
Learn to play guitar.
Learn to speak Japanese (still in progress, though)
Get a university degree to be proud of, and then a "real job".
Finish writing my book before I'm 25.
That last one makes me both want to laugh and cry.
I started writing it in high school. Scrapped it and restarted it like four times so far. Right now, I'm 23 years old, and I have nine pages in a word document. Nine. Fucking. Pages. And everytime I go to write more, I have no motivation, no level of creativity, I don't know what to write. When I force myself to write another paragraph, two paragraphs, a page, I wind up deleting it because the beginning of the story flows and reads okay, but everything I add on reads so dumb and fucking redundant.
But the goal to hit 120lbs? I will fucking damn well get there. Today is a set back, in that my weight is the exact same, down to the tenth of a pound, as it was yesterday. But I'll get there. I have to.
So, today's planning. I had to deviate from what I wrote yesterday because I forgot to put my milk-cooler-thing into the freezer last night.
Morning Weigh-In: 203.6lbs
ABC Day: 3
Calorie Cap: 300
Breakfast Plan: Vitality Probiotic Drink
Breakfast Calories: 67
Lunch Plan: Vanilla Muller Light Yogurt
Lunch Calories: 100
Dinner Plan: Chicken 10-Calorie Soup
Dinner Calories: 10
Snack Plan: Strawberry Muller Light Yogurt
Snack Calories: 100
Total: 277 calories
The snack is provisional. I'm not banking on having it, but I'm making it an option if I feel like I need something else. I'd rather fill up on 100 calories worth of yogurt than grap a maple syrup granola bar or something. Anyway, it's there if I really want something else in the evening.
God, I'm so tired. Wish me luck for today, I'll need it just to stop from falling asleep at my desk.
Vee xox
I'm such a damn pack rat.
I have so much art "stuff". Sketch books and artist pencils and charcoal and fine-tipped pens for inking in line art. But the sad truth is that I haven't touched a sketch book in... well. Over a year at least, I haven't touched any of it since I moved in with my aunts. I love to draw, but my perfectionism outweighs the level of my talent and whenever I try, I just get pissed off. It doesn't help that ALL I can draw are cartooney figures. And even then, only chicks. So really, what's the point, right?
And yet, I keep it. I've always been very creative and artistic, and even though I haven't touched any of it in over a year, it feels like a sin to get rid of it.
Ditto with my guitar. I wanted a guitar for YEARS. When I moved here, the first year I was here, on November 12th 2004, my aunt bought me a second-hand acoustic from a cash converters place. Early Christmas present. And I was SO excited. I printed off guitar tabs from the internet and set to work trying to learn, well, anything.
That was nearly five years ago, and I can only play one song. I can fumble through another VERY, retardedly, slowly. I almost never try. It feels like a lost cause because I've been learning so god damn slowly, don't know where to start.
This has given me a little bit of insight into my too-ready-to-give-up nature. And realizing it makes me more determined than ever to prove myself wrong and reach ONE of my god damn goals. Every other goal I've set just never happened.
Learn to play guitar.
Learn to speak Japanese (still in progress, though)
Get a university degree to be proud of, and then a "real job".
Finish writing my book before I'm 25.
That last one makes me both want to laugh and cry.
I started writing it in high school. Scrapped it and restarted it like four times so far. Right now, I'm 23 years old, and I have nine pages in a word document. Nine. Fucking. Pages. And everytime I go to write more, I have no motivation, no level of creativity, I don't know what to write. When I force myself to write another paragraph, two paragraphs, a page, I wind up deleting it because the beginning of the story flows and reads okay, but everything I add on reads so dumb and fucking redundant.
But the goal to hit 120lbs? I will fucking damn well get there. Today is a set back, in that my weight is the exact same, down to the tenth of a pound, as it was yesterday. But I'll get there. I have to.
So, today's planning. I had to deviate from what I wrote yesterday because I forgot to put my milk-cooler-thing into the freezer last night.
Morning Weigh-In: 203.6lbs
ABC Day: 3
Calorie Cap: 300
Breakfast Plan: Vitality Probiotic Drink
Breakfast Calories: 67
Lunch Plan: Vanilla Muller Light Yogurt
Lunch Calories: 100
Dinner Plan: Chicken 10-Calorie Soup
Dinner Calories: 10
Snack Plan: Strawberry Muller Light Yogurt
Snack Calories: 100
Total: 277 calories
The snack is provisional. I'm not banking on having it, but I'm making it an option if I feel like I need something else. I'd rather fill up on 100 calories worth of yogurt than grap a maple syrup granola bar or something. Anyway, it's there if I really want something else in the evening.
God, I'm so tired. Wish me luck for today, I'll need it just to stop from falling asleep at my desk.
Vee xox
Monday, 15 June 2009
Fucked-Off and Fabulous
Bad times, you guys, bad times.
But also good times.
I'll start with the bad so that I can cheer myself up by the end of my post. If I Start with the good and end with the bad, I'll just be super pissed off and depressed and ruin the goodness of the day.
So the bad news is that I gained two and a half pounds since yesterday. Had I known I was going to gain so much anyway I might have given in to the urge to binge yesterday. But I guess it's best that I didn't. I'm trying to placate myself with the knowledge that the gain was probably not from yesterday but from Saturday, and the weight loss yesterday was just a fluke before the alcohol calories took over. Easy on, easy off. HAH! Whatever. I'm having a single 10 calorie soup tonight and that is all. I need to get out of the Danger Zone. I NEED TO DO IT.
Bleh. Ok, that's the bad. Here comes the good.
The first is that Saturday was amazing. I met up with my good buddy S around noonish at the mall. We had lunch at Nandos (Starter: Humous with pitta bread. Main: Portobello mushroom and halloumi cheese wrap. Dessert: Strawberry Frozen Yogurt. Let it be known this is the first time I have heard of Frozen Yogurt existing here. It was amazing, but made me long for a chocolate Yogen Fruz with 0 calories. Sigh) and then we headed back into the main mall area to shop. In total we were there around four hours. Then we headed back downtown to meet her boyfriend and get some Starbucks (Strawberries and Cream Frapp) and chat for a couple of hours.
We also decided to go out on the town, whoo! Well, more like her boyfriend L texted me the night before asking if I wanted to go out for some drinks with the two of them, as nobody responded when he asked all their friends out to celebrate her birthday. Then it turned into a night of pub crawling, and they invited a ton of other people but it turned out to just be the three of us.
I had... not a TON to drink, but more than I have in a while. Vodka and redbull. Double archer's and lemonade (Sprite for the non-Brits). Tiger Lily cocktail. Six various shots, plus a straight shot of Tia Maria (I'd never had it before and HOT DAMN!). Jager Bomb. Is that it? I can't remember any more. Oh yeah there was some Southern Comfort and lemonade involved at one point. Hmm.
Anyway, I was pretty drunk, but then before we had the last couple of shots we went to find something to eat. The three of us shared a portion of chips and cheese and donner/kebab/donair meat. I didn't eat a lot but it sobered me up quite a bit and by the time we left I was just feeling tipsy. It was a great night, though. We didn't get to spend enough time dancing in the 80's club, though. And we left before they played Pour Some Sugar On Me, which I requested. But still, it was a good night.
Surprisingly I got ID'd at every pub/bar/club we went into. Except for one. One of the bouncers just asked how old I was and then told me I didn't look 23 as he looked for the DOB on my passport.
In the end I wasn't hungover at all yesterday, which is good (lol S said she was quite hung over after our epic night out). I was really tired and a little dehydrated, but before I went to bed I took two painkillers and a TON TON TON of water, and I think that helped lessen the effects a bit. Thank god. I love going out and I love drinking but I hate hangovers =/ Luckily I've only ever really been hung over three times in my life.
I'm pretty convinced S used to be Ana. At one point we were discussing diets and how we've put on weight since living with family. Mine is with my aunts "family meals" and takeout, which are now a thing of the past. Hers is staying with her grandmother and not having any control over portion size. She'd mentioned before that she used to weigh 6.5 stone (which I calculated out to 91lbs, and she's about 5'3 tall - she's currently a size 10 and looks great, so 2 stone ago I can only imagine how skinny she was. Colour me jealous!). When she was talking about her grandmother feeding her since she's moved back in - she and L are staying with her granny until the sale goes through and they can move into their new house - she said "because I used to have.. problems with my weight... if I don't finish everything that's put on a plate in front of me, people make a big deal about me not eating right." I only half-jokingly said "Jeez people, piss off, I'll starve myself if I want to!" and she just laughed and nodded.
I Was telling her about the milk-yogurt diet J did before surgery and how she lost a stone in 10 days, and her boyfriend said he wanted to do it. And then S asked him "Can I do it? I want to lose a stone" and he told her she's dumb and her ass is fabulous etc, but she can if she wants to. Which again makes me think she's got a history.
I don't want to ask her outright. S is my best friend and I Wish I could confess to her. But I don't want to be wrong and wind up fucking up our relationship. So, I'll just ride the waves and see where they go I guess.
The other piece of good news also involves S, and that she might be coming back to work with me! Right now we work for the same company, but in different departments in different buildings doing different stuff. But she told me on the weekend her contract in the other department is only until July, and it's on a "take it from there" basis, but that she'd prefer to come back here to work with me. Which would be, quite frankly, fucking awesome. So I told her I'd ask my manager / her old manager about it.
I wasn't very subtle about it, I didn't know how to bring it up lol.
"So uh.. Do we have a need for another already-trained member of staff?" he looked at me questioningly, but before he could respond yet I proceeded with "Because S wants to come back"
And almost immediately he said "Yes, tell her we'll have her back!"
He needs to check it by his manager and see what the budget is, if they can pay her a salary, but he said it's a tentative yes and he'll give me a definite answer for her by the end of the day. Fuckin' Awesome!
It would be great to work with her again, it'd give me something to do. The two of us never shut up when we're in the same room. Hell, our internal email conversations stretch on for pages in a single reply.
I think it should be ok to go through... because, when she was a temp here, they offered her a permanent job then. Except, the other department/building had already made her an offer that same morning and she'd accepted it, not knowing this place wanted her too. And by the time her manager here offered, it was too late to go back on the other offer, without looking like a flake. But basically since she left, she's been wanting to come back, and now that her contract is coming to an end in the next few weeks, hopefully it'll all go through. I can't wait.
I mean, I see her outside of work and text/email her all the time, but it'll be great having her back here. And hell, we can "diet" together, since she did say she wants to lose a stone, and I want to lose like, eighty.
So yeah. I'm fucked off because Saturday seems to have caught up with me and the weight gain is very, very unwelcome. But I've got until Friday to starve off a couple pounds. Friday S and I are off to Manchester for the day and we're hitting the Hard Rock cafe, but it shouldn't be TOO bad. After that we don't have any plans for eating out, just things like bowling and going to the cinema, so it should be okay.
I'm trying to stay positive. Whoo, go me.
Hope you had a nice weekend, ladies!
Vee xoxo
ps: sorry for the random ass post yesterday. I was trying to do an update on my mobile phone but the text field for the actual post itself wasn't working. Fucking thing. I want an iPhone. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on my current contract and can't upgrade until next May. Suckage.
But also good times.
I'll start with the bad so that I can cheer myself up by the end of my post. If I Start with the good and end with the bad, I'll just be super pissed off and depressed and ruin the goodness of the day.
So the bad news is that I gained two and a half pounds since yesterday. Had I known I was going to gain so much anyway I might have given in to the urge to binge yesterday. But I guess it's best that I didn't. I'm trying to placate myself with the knowledge that the gain was probably not from yesterday but from Saturday, and the weight loss yesterday was just a fluke before the alcohol calories took over. Easy on, easy off. HAH! Whatever. I'm having a single 10 calorie soup tonight and that is all. I need to get out of the Danger Zone. I NEED TO DO IT.
Bleh. Ok, that's the bad. Here comes the good.
The first is that Saturday was amazing. I met up with my good buddy S around noonish at the mall. We had lunch at Nandos (Starter: Humous with pitta bread. Main: Portobello mushroom and halloumi cheese wrap. Dessert: Strawberry Frozen Yogurt. Let it be known this is the first time I have heard of Frozen Yogurt existing here. It was amazing, but made me long for a chocolate Yogen Fruz with 0 calories. Sigh) and then we headed back into the main mall area to shop. In total we were there around four hours. Then we headed back downtown to meet her boyfriend and get some Starbucks (Strawberries and Cream Frapp) and chat for a couple of hours.
We also decided to go out on the town, whoo! Well, more like her boyfriend L texted me the night before asking if I wanted to go out for some drinks with the two of them, as nobody responded when he asked all their friends out to celebrate her birthday. Then it turned into a night of pub crawling, and they invited a ton of other people but it turned out to just be the three of us.
I had... not a TON to drink, but more than I have in a while. Vodka and redbull. Double archer's and lemonade (Sprite for the non-Brits). Tiger Lily cocktail. Six various shots, plus a straight shot of Tia Maria (I'd never had it before and HOT DAMN!). Jager Bomb. Is that it? I can't remember any more. Oh yeah there was some Southern Comfort and lemonade involved at one point. Hmm.
Anyway, I was pretty drunk, but then before we had the last couple of shots we went to find something to eat. The three of us shared a portion of chips and cheese and donner/kebab/donair meat. I didn't eat a lot but it sobered me up quite a bit and by the time we left I was just feeling tipsy. It was a great night, though. We didn't get to spend enough time dancing in the 80's club, though. And we left before they played Pour Some Sugar On Me, which I requested. But still, it was a good night.
Surprisingly I got ID'd at every pub/bar/club we went into. Except for one. One of the bouncers just asked how old I was and then told me I didn't look 23 as he looked for the DOB on my passport.
In the end I wasn't hungover at all yesterday, which is good (lol S said she was quite hung over after our epic night out). I was really tired and a little dehydrated, but before I went to bed I took two painkillers and a TON TON TON of water, and I think that helped lessen the effects a bit. Thank god. I love going out and I love drinking but I hate hangovers =/ Luckily I've only ever really been hung over three times in my life.
I'm pretty convinced S used to be Ana. At one point we were discussing diets and how we've put on weight since living with family. Mine is with my aunts "family meals" and takeout, which are now a thing of the past. Hers is staying with her grandmother and not having any control over portion size. She'd mentioned before that she used to weigh 6.5 stone (which I calculated out to 91lbs, and she's about 5'3 tall - she's currently a size 10 and looks great, so 2 stone ago I can only imagine how skinny she was. Colour me jealous!). When she was talking about her grandmother feeding her since she's moved back in - she and L are staying with her granny until the sale goes through and they can move into their new house - she said "because I used to have.. problems with my weight... if I don't finish everything that's put on a plate in front of me, people make a big deal about me not eating right." I only half-jokingly said "Jeez people, piss off, I'll starve myself if I want to!" and she just laughed and nodded.
I Was telling her about the milk-yogurt diet J did before surgery and how she lost a stone in 10 days, and her boyfriend said he wanted to do it. And then S asked him "Can I do it? I want to lose a stone" and he told her she's dumb and her ass is fabulous etc, but she can if she wants to. Which again makes me think she's got a history.
I don't want to ask her outright. S is my best friend and I Wish I could confess to her. But I don't want to be wrong and wind up fucking up our relationship. So, I'll just ride the waves and see where they go I guess.
The other piece of good news also involves S, and that she might be coming back to work with me! Right now we work for the same company, but in different departments in different buildings doing different stuff. But she told me on the weekend her contract in the other department is only until July, and it's on a "take it from there" basis, but that she'd prefer to come back here to work with me. Which would be, quite frankly, fucking awesome. So I told her I'd ask my manager / her old manager about it.
I wasn't very subtle about it, I didn't know how to bring it up lol.
"So uh.. Do we have a need for another already-trained member of staff?" he looked at me questioningly, but before he could respond yet I proceeded with "Because S wants to come back"
And almost immediately he said "Yes, tell her we'll have her back!"
He needs to check it by his manager and see what the budget is, if they can pay her a salary, but he said it's a tentative yes and he'll give me a definite answer for her by the end of the day. Fuckin' Awesome!
It would be great to work with her again, it'd give me something to do. The two of us never shut up when we're in the same room. Hell, our internal email conversations stretch on for pages in a single reply.
I think it should be ok to go through... because, when she was a temp here, they offered her a permanent job then. Except, the other department/building had already made her an offer that same morning and she'd accepted it, not knowing this place wanted her too. And by the time her manager here offered, it was too late to go back on the other offer, without looking like a flake. But basically since she left, she's been wanting to come back, and now that her contract is coming to an end in the next few weeks, hopefully it'll all go through. I can't wait.
I mean, I see her outside of work and text/email her all the time, but it'll be great having her back here. And hell, we can "diet" together, since she did say she wants to lose a stone, and I want to lose like, eighty.
So yeah. I'm fucked off because Saturday seems to have caught up with me and the weight gain is very, very unwelcome. But I've got until Friday to starve off a couple pounds. Friday S and I are off to Manchester for the day and we're hitting the Hard Rock cafe, but it shouldn't be TOO bad. After that we don't have any plans for eating out, just things like bowling and going to the cinema, so it should be okay.
I'm trying to stay positive. Whoo, go me.
Hope you had a nice weekend, ladies!
Vee xoxo
ps: sorry for the random ass post yesterday. I was trying to do an update on my mobile phone but the text field for the actual post itself wasn't working. Fucking thing. I want an iPhone. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on my current contract and can't upgrade until next May. Suckage.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Good? Maybe.
This weekend was a shittalicious weekend. I mean I didn't overeat (aside from the bag of popcorn at the cinema on Saturday night, but I haven't had cinema popcorn in over a year and a half and I needed to get it out of my system. And after all the popcorn kernel skin crap that got all up in my gums, I'm kind of getting sick of it already) so it wasn't bad in THAT sense.
But it was bad in the sense that I managed to weigh myself and then nearly dropped dead right there in my bathroom.
I can't even bring myself to type or say it. I'm in denial. But this has forced me to really need to do something about it. I mean, the need has been there for a while but I let myself become complacent. Saying, hey, I've eaten more than I should but it's still less than a "normal person" so it's ok. But it isn't okay.
So, back to basics, baby.
Today has been a good day so far.
For breakfast I brought cereal to work. I found this awesome gadget at Morrison's this weekend that is like two pots that screw together. The bottom one has a gel lining and you put it in the freezer (like those plastic cups you get in summer with gel in it and you freeze it so it keeps your drinks cold?) and you put your milk in it and it keeps your milk cold. The top part you put the cereal into, then screw it on top of the milk part, pop it in a bag and you're good to go. The lid even has a foldy spoon in it. Super handy.
So, I bought some unsweetened soymilk. My aunts spent all last night bitching about how horrible soymilk is and yick. But honestly, I couldn't really tell a difference between that and the semiskimmed/2% they usually buy for cereal. Although, I don't like milk anyway so it all tastes just as nonyummy to me I guess.
So I had:
Half a cup of Special K cereal = Around 60 kcals (I'm going off the guidelines for Red Berries, which is slightly more than the one I bought)
Around 100mls of unsweetened Soymilk = Around 29kcals (I'll need to check the carton and do exact calcs when I get home)
That was breakfast. Then for lunch I just had a fat-free vanilla yogurt for 100 calories.
Total so far? 189. Yay, under 200!
Last night for dinner I had a Weight Watcher's Shepherd's pie. And you know what, it was pretty damn good, and only 220 calories. Which is MUCH better than some of the frozen meals out there. I don't think I've got another at home so it'll either be a salmon-broccoli-wedge-melt (around 290?) or a Slimfast Shake (219). Depending on how I feel when I get home I might actually up the ante a little and just have another 100-kcal yogurt
So... That makes my max at under 500, which is live-with-able. But I'm going to aim for that Yogurt because having sub-300 would just feel amazing.
OH SNAP. I just remembered I picked up some 10-calorie soups! Ignore all of the above, I'm having 10-calorie soup for dinner.
Total: 199 Calories.
Fuck. Yes.
We can do this ladies. Fuck yes we can.
Vee xox
But it was bad in the sense that I managed to weigh myself and then nearly dropped dead right there in my bathroom.
I can't even bring myself to type or say it. I'm in denial. But this has forced me to really need to do something about it. I mean, the need has been there for a while but I let myself become complacent. Saying, hey, I've eaten more than I should but it's still less than a "normal person" so it's ok. But it isn't okay.
So, back to basics, baby.
Today has been a good day so far.
For breakfast I brought cereal to work. I found this awesome gadget at Morrison's this weekend that is like two pots that screw together. The bottom one has a gel lining and you put it in the freezer (like those plastic cups you get in summer with gel in it and you freeze it so it keeps your drinks cold?) and you put your milk in it and it keeps your milk cold. The top part you put the cereal into, then screw it on top of the milk part, pop it in a bag and you're good to go. The lid even has a foldy spoon in it. Super handy.
So, I bought some unsweetened soymilk. My aunts spent all last night bitching about how horrible soymilk is and yick. But honestly, I couldn't really tell a difference between that and the semiskimmed/2% they usually buy for cereal. Although, I don't like milk anyway so it all tastes just as nonyummy to me I guess.
So I had:
Half a cup of Special K cereal = Around 60 kcals (I'm going off the guidelines for Red Berries, which is slightly more than the one I bought)
Around 100mls of unsweetened Soymilk = Around 29kcals (I'll need to check the carton and do exact calcs when I get home)
That was breakfast. Then for lunch I just had a fat-free vanilla yogurt for 100 calories.
Total so far? 189. Yay, under 200!
Last night for dinner I had a Weight Watcher's Shepherd's pie. And you know what, it was pretty damn good, and only 220 calories. Which is MUCH better than some of the frozen meals out there. I don't think I've got another at home so it'll either be a salmon-broccoli-wedge-melt (around 290?) or a Slimfast Shake (219). Depending on how I feel when I get home I might actually up the ante a little and just have another 100-kcal yogurt
So... That makes my max at under 500, which is live-with-able. But I'm going to aim for that Yogurt because having sub-300 would just feel amazing.
OH SNAP. I just remembered I picked up some 10-calorie soups! Ignore all of the above, I'm having 10-calorie soup for dinner.
Total: 199 Calories.
Fuck. Yes.
We can do this ladies. Fuck yes we can.
Vee xox
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Long Weekend!
So. Today? Not a good day. Not the worst day ever, but definitely a bad one.
Last night I moved some stuff around in my bedroom and unpacked a couple of boxes, started putting makeup and clothes and things away. The room already looks a ton bigger and I've only taken out three boxes. But anyway, I'm glad progress is finally being made. After work yesterday we had to hit the mall to see the people at the Sky counter set up there to go about signing up for a new package at the new house (the dude there told us just to cancel the old one and sign up at the new house under J's name instead, and we're getting a free Sky plus box, a free standard box for my bedroom, free installation next Wednesday, and our subscription is free for the first 3 months, normally £56, woot) and we didn't get back until after 9 so I was going to just go to bed. After I'd gotten ready to go to bed, I was going to watch an episode of something on my computer and then go to sleep, but at the last minute I had a burst of energy (completely unexpected) so I unpacked instead. Yay!
Of course, today yet again, I was wide awake at 5 and feel like I haven't slept at all. I'm hoping once the treadmill is freed from it's boxed-in corner and I can properly workout, my body will be tired enough to actually sleep through a fucking night. We'll see, but fingers are crossed.
So, I got out some of my old work trousers. And that's where the bad times start.
I bought these trousers probably the first couple of months I lived in England, so we're talking Summer 2004 when I was at my highest weight ever. At the time, they were very tight and I was in fucking denial and refused to buy the next size up. I'm amazed they've lasted, seriously.
Anyway, at the end of 2007 when I broke up with my ex, I had a terribly bad time that did wonders for my figure. I had no appetite and I was being sick every time I ate anything at all - mostly it was entirely involuntary but I will admit that more than once or twice while brushing my teeth in the morning I'd stick the brush back a little further than it needed to go to help matters along. This went on from October until probably May in varying degrees. Between the end of October and Christmas I'd lost 30lbs, just over 2 stone. And I felt amazing. It got to the point where these work trousers were literally falling off. I wasn't skinny by any means, I still weighed around 172lbs, but I was a lot thinner than I had been in years (my weight has been a struggle, always up and down, but usually hovering above 180 since I was 16, which is when it was packed on in the first place). It was to the point where, whenever I walked to the printer from my desk at work, I would have to hold them up, because every step made them shimmy down just a little more.
Eventually I had to buy some a size smaller, and even they were loose. Of course, now they fit okay instead of being loose, not too tight but definitely not how they were (at the time I could fit into the next size down but they were a bit tight and uncomfortable so I had to get the size up, which was just one size down instead of two). It was that "new" pair that split the other night. So last night I got out the older ones, a size bigger.
And they fucking fit the same as the old ones do. I am so fucking depressed because of this, it's unreal. I mean my UK size 18 trousers fit me like my UK size 16s do. How the fuck does that make sense? I know for a fact these trousers are bigger than the other ones, because I purposely bought some that fit tighter.
So I can only assume that I'm even fatter than I thought I was, that the size 16s fit the same as the 18s do because they've been gradually stretched the fuck out by my fat ass.
My mood is completely shit right now and I'm more determined than ever. I will see 175 by the end of summer, so help me God. Ana will help me. She will take my hand and guide me. And she will finally help me to find my smile again.
Vee
Last night I moved some stuff around in my bedroom and unpacked a couple of boxes, started putting makeup and clothes and things away. The room already looks a ton bigger and I've only taken out three boxes. But anyway, I'm glad progress is finally being made. After work yesterday we had to hit the mall to see the people at the Sky counter set up there to go about signing up for a new package at the new house (the dude there told us just to cancel the old one and sign up at the new house under J's name instead, and we're getting a free Sky plus box, a free standard box for my bedroom, free installation next Wednesday, and our subscription is free for the first 3 months, normally £56, woot) and we didn't get back until after 9 so I was going to just go to bed. After I'd gotten ready to go to bed, I was going to watch an episode of something on my computer and then go to sleep, but at the last minute I had a burst of energy (completely unexpected) so I unpacked instead. Yay!
Of course, today yet again, I was wide awake at 5 and feel like I haven't slept at all. I'm hoping once the treadmill is freed from it's boxed-in corner and I can properly workout, my body will be tired enough to actually sleep through a fucking night. We'll see, but fingers are crossed.
So, I got out some of my old work trousers. And that's where the bad times start.
I bought these trousers probably the first couple of months I lived in England, so we're talking Summer 2004 when I was at my highest weight ever. At the time, they were very tight and I was in fucking denial and refused to buy the next size up. I'm amazed they've lasted, seriously.
Anyway, at the end of 2007 when I broke up with my ex, I had a terribly bad time that did wonders for my figure. I had no appetite and I was being sick every time I ate anything at all - mostly it was entirely involuntary but I will admit that more than once or twice while brushing my teeth in the morning I'd stick the brush back a little further than it needed to go to help matters along. This went on from October until probably May in varying degrees. Between the end of October and Christmas I'd lost 30lbs, just over 2 stone. And I felt amazing. It got to the point where these work trousers were literally falling off. I wasn't skinny by any means, I still weighed around 172lbs, but I was a lot thinner than I had been in years (my weight has been a struggle, always up and down, but usually hovering above 180 since I was 16, which is when it was packed on in the first place). It was to the point where, whenever I walked to the printer from my desk at work, I would have to hold them up, because every step made them shimmy down just a little more.
Eventually I had to buy some a size smaller, and even they were loose. Of course, now they fit okay instead of being loose, not too tight but definitely not how they were (at the time I could fit into the next size down but they were a bit tight and uncomfortable so I had to get the size up, which was just one size down instead of two). It was that "new" pair that split the other night. So last night I got out the older ones, a size bigger.
And they fucking fit the same as the old ones do. I am so fucking depressed because of this, it's unreal. I mean my UK size 18 trousers fit me like my UK size 16s do. How the fuck does that make sense? I know for a fact these trousers are bigger than the other ones, because I purposely bought some that fit tighter.
So I can only assume that I'm even fatter than I thought I was, that the size 16s fit the same as the 18s do because they've been gradually stretched the fuck out by my fat ass.
My mood is completely shit right now and I'm more determined than ever. I will see 175 by the end of summer, so help me God. Ana will help me. She will take my hand and guide me. And she will finally help me to find my smile again.
Vee
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Fuck
Last night I received the final bit of motivation I needed to get back on track fully.
After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.
Embarassing and pissed-off-making.
I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.
But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.
So, that was that.
Today my meal plan is as follows:
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch
At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]
If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.
The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.
I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.
Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.
Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.
Did I mention I fucking hate moving?
But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.
And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.
Pros:
Exercise! YAAAAAY!
Cons:
Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Rain
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty
I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.
But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.
Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!
Oh also, more excitedness!
Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!
Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.
I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)
Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox
After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.
Embarassing and pissed-off-making.
I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.
But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.
So, that was that.
Today my meal plan is as follows:
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch
At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]
If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.
The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.
I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.
Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.
Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.
Did I mention I fucking hate moving?
But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.
And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.
Pros:
Exercise! YAAAAAY!
Cons:
Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Rain
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty
I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.
But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.
Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!
Oh also, more excitedness!
Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!
Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.
I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)
Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox
Monday, 1 June 2009
Shittalicious
Just a quick update of sorts.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really stressed and busy, as we moved into our new house on Saturday. I spent ALL day on Friday packing (I've only lived in this country for 5 years where the FUCK did all this SHIT come from?? I have enough stuff to furnish a 3-bedroom house on my own, I swear to god), and I'm SO GLAD I took Friday off work. I wasn't going to bother, I thought I'd just leave work early at 4 and spend the night packing. But I packed from 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until around 8 in the evening. And then I still had a couple things to finish up before we actually moved on Saturday morning.
The house right now is a shambles. Most of the stuff has been moved into the new house, there are just a few things at the old place still (like a couple bags of books, a plastic bag full of old handbags, another bag full of my Film Cell collection (I say collection, I think I have four film cells total so it's hardly a "collection" - for those who are interested, I have the Blade Trilogy, Silent Hill, The Nightmare Before Christmas (OMFGLOVE) and got a small coaster-size Edward Scissorhands one for Christmas. I NEED to get a Fight Club and Choke film cell too... and a Nightmare on Elm Street one would be FABULOUS but we'll see I guess). Our computers are still there but I'm bringing mine home tonight after work and my aunt's leaving hers there for if we need the internet for something until it's been switched to the new house. As of right now we have no interwebs at the new house at all, and AOL (I know, it's Satan's Spawn) said it'll be up to 20 days to get it switched over. Suckage.
SO my updates will be a little sporatic, and I probably won't get around to the Summer2009 challenge in time, but it'll get up there eventually.
So anyway. My bedroom, is bigger. The SPACE is amazing, even though I still have *counts* about 7 boxes in my room right now that need to be unpacked plus the gaming chair my aunt and I bought last year (which is fucking not staying in my room, we bought it to put in the living room, NOT to shove in my room, I don't have THAT much space!) Once the boxes are unpacked I need to bring my big solid wood chest up and I think that is all.
The best news? The treadmill is officially in my bedroom! And it JUST fits between the side of my wardrobe and the wall so I don't have to have it sticking out in the middle of the room. Thank god for inventing foldable exercise equipment. I haven't used it yet as things are so cluttered and I can't even unfold it at this point, but once the boxes are out of the way I'm planning to spend an hour a night on it. I'll have to start walking since my fitness levels are shit-tastic right now, but eventually I want to work my way up to jogging the entire time. I inspected it last night and it DOES have a calorie calculator and a pulse rate thingy in there too, which is something I didn't think it had, so huzzah for that.
Also, I "acquired" a couple Zumba DVDs since I've heard a lot of good things about it. Now that my computer isn't going to be in my bedroom I can't just play them on there and work out, so I think I'll have to burn a few DVDs to keep in my bedroom.
Which reminds me, I need to get a new TV. We're getting Sky installed in the next couple of weeks (for those of you in the US, Sky is like satellite/digital cable. Without it, we have literally only 5 channels, and even that's only with an antenna and if your reception area is amazing.) and I'm getting it setup in my room. And the TV I have right now is crap. It's got a tiny screen, and it's pretty old so it's an old CRT (damn my physics classes, everytime I see or hear or write CRT I flash back to high school when I learned what a Cathode Ray Tube is and how it works and electron firing blah blah. God it's so boring living in my head) and is therefore large and clunky and heavy for what it is. And the DVD player in it doesn't work. Last night while I was doing my hair, I was bored out of my mind. I'm used to reading something on the internet or watching TV/movie on my computer while doing my hair, but without the computer there was nothing to do. So I plugged the fucker in and grabbed one of my aunt's DVDs (yeah for some reason her box of DVDs is in my bedroom, don't ask why because I've no idea) and put it in. And I had to eject and put it back in eight times and blow into the drive a billion times before the bastarding thing would read the disk. SO NOT WORTH THE EFFORT
SO I'll probably just buy a smallish, cheapish flat-screen and have it mounted on my wall, and then get some shelves set up for my XBOX and Sky box and DVD player.
This moving thing is costing so much money, haha.
Bleh, also? This weekend has been hell because I have not slept more than maybe eight collective hours all weekend. I'm the type of person who needs dark and quiet in order to sleep. Once I'm out I can be a bit of a heavy sleeper, or I can be the lightest sleeper in the world, it entirely depends. But I can NOT get to sleep if there is any noise or light. I suffer from insomnia that gets worse at times, and then gets slightly better - but I honestly can not remember the last time I slept a full, straight, uninterrupted 8 hours and woke up feeling refreshed. I am ALWAYS tired.
Anyway I'm digressing.
While packing the last of the big furniture from my bedroom, our friend SR (I'm going to need to put a name legend on the sidebar) asked if we were taking the curtains. Keep in mind that the curtains in my room at the old house cost around £60. They fit my silvery decor, and were fully lined and heavy so they did a damn good job of blocking out any outside light. I paid for them and my aunt is in the process of paying me back for them (along with the £240 carpet we had installed in my room last May). Anyway. My aunt said no, we're not taking the curtains, because she thinks my cat's caught it and pulled a few threads. Also she didn't want to take the curtains because then it would be obvious to outsiders nobody was living there, and the old house is in a neighbourhood where people slash tires knowing full well that people are in the house upstairs with the lights on, so you can imagine what empty houses are like. And there are still valuables in there.
At first, I didn't think of the whole "Light makes my face melt off!" situation. My aunt's sister in law made matching curtains for every room, so there are some nice curtains in my room already that match the wallpaper and carpet - which reminds me, why the fuck did I think the carpet was terra cotta? It's a neutral brown. It must have been reflecting the ghastly rose colour of the old wardrobes or something. BUT of course, after I finally managed to fall asleep, I was WIDE AWAKE at 5:15 in the morning when the sun was STREAMING in and shining full force on my bed. The curtains are made of a very light, gauzy fabric, like tulle or chiffon. They stop basically nothing whatsoever. Same deal this morning. BAD TIMES.
So I brought this up and my aunt said that while we can't take the old curtains yet, she'll find an old sheet or something to cover the window with to help me out in the meantime.
What else?
Oh yeah, this morning my aunt also mentioned we'd have to move my bed away from the wall. Right now it's pressed against the corner so that the head end of my bed is pressed against the wall between my room and my aunts' room, and she said when I turn over the bed is somehow making a banging sound against the wall. So she said to move it down. Except I have no headboard so I can't, if I move the bed my pillows fall off the end - at the old house I had to move my mattress back up flush with the wall EVERY night otherwise my feather pillow was swallowed up in the chasm. SO I have to find somewhere else to put the bed, which is a pain. Possibly just turning it so the side of the bed is a couple inches from the wall and the head is against the outside wall.
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud at this point.
Ok now I need to bitch. Big time.
Last weekend I went shopping with my good friend S (it's her birthday on Friday, she's turning 19, and this makes me feel very old because jesus, am I REALLY four years older than her?!?!?!) and I bought two pairs of really nice sunglasses from River Island. This morning I wore my favourite pair (which are a pink plastic on the inside and black plastic on the ouside, and there's a flowery design on the sides where you can see the pink through and they're so nice and I love them) when I went to my orthodontist to have my teeth cleaned / any excess glue buffed off.
I'm sure you can already see where I'm going with this.
When I went in and sat next to my grandfather, I clipped the sunglasses onto the strap on my bag. I was called through, had my teeth cleaned, came back out and grabbed my bag from my grandpa and we left. As he passed me the bag I looked at the sunglasses and thought "I need to move those off the strap or I'll lose them" and then put away my appointment card...
Shit, hang on, I just remembered something, I need to call the office again. I'm such a fucking retard.
Nope, no dice.
Anyway. I walked down the stairs, through the X-Ray Reception (which is right inside the front doors, Orthodontics is upstairs) and outside. Once I was outside I realized shit, no sunglasses. So I dropped my bag and jacket next to my grandfather and literally ran back inside and upstairs, checking the floor and stairs on the way. When I got back to the reception I asked the people sitting around where we had been sat if they'd seen them, asked reception if they'd been handed in, nothing. Checked under the chairs and everything. In the sixty seconds it took me to walk downstairs and outside, they completely disappeared.
IE: someone fucking took them and refused to speak up when I asked where they had gone. Thieving fucking bitches.
Just now, I thought I'd figured it out. When I asked reception if they'd been handed in she said "No, dear, but you can go back and see if you dropped them by the hygienist's area earlier?" and I said no, because I hadn't taken my bag in with me when I went in. BUT, when I came out the hygienist forgot to give me my appointment card and for the life of me I can't remember if I had my bag when I went back to get the appointment card before leaving. So just now I called the office and asked if they'd been found but no such luck. =[
Again. Thieving fucking bitches.
So, I'm not happy. I'm tired and I lost the £17 sunglasses I've had for all of nine fucking days. Sure, it could be worse, it could have been a more expensive pair of designer sunglasses, but god damn it, I don't care.
Anyway I should get some work done. This is pretty long =/
Oh on that note I have no idea what I weigh because my scale was not deemed Priority to be brought across this weekend. And I kind of don't want to know. Last time I checked I was back to 198 and this weekend, although it's been hectic with the moving, I had a bacon sandwich on Saturday after moving (it was the only thing we had in the house, granny was cooking for us movers, and I was RAVENOUS after moving shit all morning) and an ice cream cone yesterday so things are probably bad. I Could cry right now even though I don't KNOW.
My official weigh-in day will be this Friday. And good or bad I will post it. Because I report to YOU guys. It kind of helps me stay on track, you know? Like, I feel ashamed if I'm reporting bad news to you, so I have to struggle to have only good to say. That hasn't been the case lately, which is why I avoided the scale for a while I think. But avoiding the issue doesn't make it better, it just makes me in denial. So I need to weigh in and get on with this shit.
GOOD NEWS: J got her date through for the surgery - June 10th. She started her yogurt-and-milk diet yesterday. Which means NO MORE FUCKING FAST FOOD which means it should now be easier for me to get back into restricting too. Yay!
Besides. If she's doing this diet, people can't tell me off for not eating enough, can they? Her surgeon even SAID "normal people can do this diet to lose weight, too" although he did say they should have slimfast instead of just milk, and shouldn't do it EVERY day. Still.
I must remember to buy a load of yogurts. I could easily live off a yogurt for lunch and a yogurt for dinner, and that's only 200 calories combined. So it could totally be worse.
I'm looking forward to it =]
And the money I save will help pay for the TV I need lol.
Later, lovemonkeys!
Vee xoxox
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really stressed and busy, as we moved into our new house on Saturday. I spent ALL day on Friday packing (I've only lived in this country for 5 years where the FUCK did all this SHIT come from?? I have enough stuff to furnish a 3-bedroom house on my own, I swear to god), and I'm SO GLAD I took Friday off work. I wasn't going to bother, I thought I'd just leave work early at 4 and spend the night packing. But I packed from 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until around 8 in the evening. And then I still had a couple things to finish up before we actually moved on Saturday morning.
The house right now is a shambles. Most of the stuff has been moved into the new house, there are just a few things at the old place still (like a couple bags of books, a plastic bag full of old handbags, another bag full of my Film Cell collection (I say collection, I think I have four film cells total so it's hardly a "collection" - for those who are interested, I have the Blade Trilogy, Silent Hill, The Nightmare Before Christmas (OMFGLOVE) and got a small coaster-size Edward Scissorhands one for Christmas. I NEED to get a Fight Club and Choke film cell too... and a Nightmare on Elm Street one would be FABULOUS but we'll see I guess). Our computers are still there but I'm bringing mine home tonight after work and my aunt's leaving hers there for if we need the internet for something until it's been switched to the new house. As of right now we have no interwebs at the new house at all, and AOL (I know, it's Satan's Spawn) said it'll be up to 20 days to get it switched over. Suckage.
SO my updates will be a little sporatic, and I probably won't get around to the Summer2009 challenge in time, but it'll get up there eventually.
So anyway. My bedroom, is bigger. The SPACE is amazing, even though I still have *counts* about 7 boxes in my room right now that need to be unpacked plus the gaming chair my aunt and I bought last year (which is fucking not staying in my room, we bought it to put in the living room, NOT to shove in my room, I don't have THAT much space!) Once the boxes are unpacked I need to bring my big solid wood chest up and I think that is all.
The best news? The treadmill is officially in my bedroom! And it JUST fits between the side of my wardrobe and the wall so I don't have to have it sticking out in the middle of the room. Thank god for inventing foldable exercise equipment. I haven't used it yet as things are so cluttered and I can't even unfold it at this point, but once the boxes are out of the way I'm planning to spend an hour a night on it. I'll have to start walking since my fitness levels are shit-tastic right now, but eventually I want to work my way up to jogging the entire time. I inspected it last night and it DOES have a calorie calculator and a pulse rate thingy in there too, which is something I didn't think it had, so huzzah for that.
Also, I "acquired" a couple Zumba DVDs since I've heard a lot of good things about it. Now that my computer isn't going to be in my bedroom I can't just play them on there and work out, so I think I'll have to burn a few DVDs to keep in my bedroom.
Which reminds me, I need to get a new TV. We're getting Sky installed in the next couple of weeks (for those of you in the US, Sky is like satellite/digital cable. Without it, we have literally only 5 channels, and even that's only with an antenna and if your reception area is amazing.) and I'm getting it setup in my room. And the TV I have right now is crap. It's got a tiny screen, and it's pretty old so it's an old CRT (damn my physics classes, everytime I see or hear or write CRT I flash back to high school when I learned what a Cathode Ray Tube is and how it works and electron firing blah blah. God it's so boring living in my head) and is therefore large and clunky and heavy for what it is. And the DVD player in it doesn't work. Last night while I was doing my hair, I was bored out of my mind. I'm used to reading something on the internet or watching TV/movie on my computer while doing my hair, but without the computer there was nothing to do. So I plugged the fucker in and grabbed one of my aunt's DVDs (yeah for some reason her box of DVDs is in my bedroom, don't ask why because I've no idea) and put it in. And I had to eject and put it back in eight times and blow into the drive a billion times before the bastarding thing would read the disk. SO NOT WORTH THE EFFORT
SO I'll probably just buy a smallish, cheapish flat-screen and have it mounted on my wall, and then get some shelves set up for my XBOX and Sky box and DVD player.
This moving thing is costing so much money, haha.
Bleh, also? This weekend has been hell because I have not slept more than maybe eight collective hours all weekend. I'm the type of person who needs dark and quiet in order to sleep. Once I'm out I can be a bit of a heavy sleeper, or I can be the lightest sleeper in the world, it entirely depends. But I can NOT get to sleep if there is any noise or light. I suffer from insomnia that gets worse at times, and then gets slightly better - but I honestly can not remember the last time I slept a full, straight, uninterrupted 8 hours and woke up feeling refreshed. I am ALWAYS tired.
Anyway I'm digressing.
While packing the last of the big furniture from my bedroom, our friend SR (I'm going to need to put a name legend on the sidebar) asked if we were taking the curtains. Keep in mind that the curtains in my room at the old house cost around £60. They fit my silvery decor, and were fully lined and heavy so they did a damn good job of blocking out any outside light. I paid for them and my aunt is in the process of paying me back for them (along with the £240 carpet we had installed in my room last May). Anyway. My aunt said no, we're not taking the curtains, because she thinks my cat's caught it and pulled a few threads. Also she didn't want to take the curtains because then it would be obvious to outsiders nobody was living there, and the old house is in a neighbourhood where people slash tires knowing full well that people are in the house upstairs with the lights on, so you can imagine what empty houses are like. And there are still valuables in there.
At first, I didn't think of the whole "Light makes my face melt off!" situation. My aunt's sister in law made matching curtains for every room, so there are some nice curtains in my room already that match the wallpaper and carpet - which reminds me, why the fuck did I think the carpet was terra cotta? It's a neutral brown. It must have been reflecting the ghastly rose colour of the old wardrobes or something. BUT of course, after I finally managed to fall asleep, I was WIDE AWAKE at 5:15 in the morning when the sun was STREAMING in and shining full force on my bed. The curtains are made of a very light, gauzy fabric, like tulle or chiffon. They stop basically nothing whatsoever. Same deal this morning. BAD TIMES.
So I brought this up and my aunt said that while we can't take the old curtains yet, she'll find an old sheet or something to cover the window with to help me out in the meantime.
What else?
Oh yeah, this morning my aunt also mentioned we'd have to move my bed away from the wall. Right now it's pressed against the corner so that the head end of my bed is pressed against the wall between my room and my aunts' room, and she said when I turn over the bed is somehow making a banging sound against the wall. So she said to move it down. Except I have no headboard so I can't, if I move the bed my pillows fall off the end - at the old house I had to move my mattress back up flush with the wall EVERY night otherwise my feather pillow was swallowed up in the chasm. SO I have to find somewhere else to put the bed, which is a pain. Possibly just turning it so the side of the bed is a couple inches from the wall and the head is against the outside wall.
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud at this point.
Ok now I need to bitch. Big time.
Last weekend I went shopping with my good friend S (it's her birthday on Friday, she's turning 19, and this makes me feel very old because jesus, am I REALLY four years older than her?!?!?!) and I bought two pairs of really nice sunglasses from River Island. This morning I wore my favourite pair (which are a pink plastic on the inside and black plastic on the ouside, and there's a flowery design on the sides where you can see the pink through and they're so nice and I love them) when I went to my orthodontist to have my teeth cleaned / any excess glue buffed off.
I'm sure you can already see where I'm going with this.
When I went in and sat next to my grandfather, I clipped the sunglasses onto the strap on my bag. I was called through, had my teeth cleaned, came back out and grabbed my bag from my grandpa and we left. As he passed me the bag I looked at the sunglasses and thought "I need to move those off the strap or I'll lose them" and then put away my appointment card...
Shit, hang on, I just remembered something, I need to call the office again. I'm such a fucking retard.
Nope, no dice.
Anyway. I walked down the stairs, through the X-Ray Reception (which is right inside the front doors, Orthodontics is upstairs) and outside. Once I was outside I realized shit, no sunglasses. So I dropped my bag and jacket next to my grandfather and literally ran back inside and upstairs, checking the floor and stairs on the way. When I got back to the reception I asked the people sitting around where we had been sat if they'd seen them, asked reception if they'd been handed in, nothing. Checked under the chairs and everything. In the sixty seconds it took me to walk downstairs and outside, they completely disappeared.
IE: someone fucking took them and refused to speak up when I asked where they had gone. Thieving fucking bitches.
Just now, I thought I'd figured it out. When I asked reception if they'd been handed in she said "No, dear, but you can go back and see if you dropped them by the hygienist's area earlier?" and I said no, because I hadn't taken my bag in with me when I went in. BUT, when I came out the hygienist forgot to give me my appointment card and for the life of me I can't remember if I had my bag when I went back to get the appointment card before leaving. So just now I called the office and asked if they'd been found but no such luck. =[
Again. Thieving fucking bitches.
So, I'm not happy. I'm tired and I lost the £17 sunglasses I've had for all of nine fucking days. Sure, it could be worse, it could have been a more expensive pair of designer sunglasses, but god damn it, I don't care.
Anyway I should get some work done. This is pretty long =/
Oh on that note I have no idea what I weigh because my scale was not deemed Priority to be brought across this weekend. And I kind of don't want to know. Last time I checked I was back to 198 and this weekend, although it's been hectic with the moving, I had a bacon sandwich on Saturday after moving (it was the only thing we had in the house, granny was cooking for us movers, and I was RAVENOUS after moving shit all morning) and an ice cream cone yesterday so things are probably bad. I Could cry right now even though I don't KNOW.
My official weigh-in day will be this Friday. And good or bad I will post it. Because I report to YOU guys. It kind of helps me stay on track, you know? Like, I feel ashamed if I'm reporting bad news to you, so I have to struggle to have only good to say. That hasn't been the case lately, which is why I avoided the scale for a while I think. But avoiding the issue doesn't make it better, it just makes me in denial. So I need to weigh in and get on with this shit.
GOOD NEWS: J got her date through for the surgery - June 10th. She started her yogurt-and-milk diet yesterday. Which means NO MORE FUCKING FAST FOOD which means it should now be easier for me to get back into restricting too. Yay!
Besides. If she's doing this diet, people can't tell me off for not eating enough, can they? Her surgeon even SAID "normal people can do this diet to lose weight, too" although he did say they should have slimfast instead of just milk, and shouldn't do it EVERY day. Still.
I must remember to buy a load of yogurts. I could easily live off a yogurt for lunch and a yogurt for dinner, and that's only 200 calories combined. So it could totally be worse.
I'm looking forward to it =]
And the money I save will help pay for the TV I need lol.
Later, lovemonkeys!
Vee xoxox
Friday, 22 May 2009
The Aftermath
So after two days of writhing in pain and being unable to even sleep until the pain went away, I'm now living "The Aftermath" - you know, the time after having a migraine where your head still feels a bit sensitive where the pain used to be, where you feel a little shaky and maybe disoriented and so very, very fatigued. Recovering from a migraine attack really wears you down. That sensitive spot just over the arch of my left eyebrow, feels so tender, feels like the migraine is just dormant and ready to spring back. But if I'm lucky, it'll stay away.
I was doing so well yesterday. Up until 7pm I had only eaten around 200 calories worth of rice (one of the only things I had in the house aside from frozen meals and peanut butter) and was feeling good. Through the day my migraine had slowly abated to a persistent, niggling headache. Towards nighttime though, my head was starting to throb and pound all over again and I was drenched in sweat even though our heating was off - and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am ALWAYS cold. So I thought shit, I need to eat something. I grabbed a frozen meal and shoved it in the microwave and ate it without tasting it. I felt like I was panicking. I also downed a ton of water just in case I was getting dehydrated and that was messing me up.
Luckily, after eating I went to bed with a cool gel thing on my head and, although it took me several hours to fall asleep, I woke up pain-free. Thank god.
Funny story: strange noises kept waking me up even though I had earplugs in, but then when I listened there was nothing. I was freaking myself out. This morning I open the bathroom door (I had shut it because there was a spider on the ceiling and I didn't want the little fucker venturing over to my bedroom in the middle of the night) and my aunt's cat darted out and started purring around my ankles. Oops!
Surprisingly, today is an alright day so far, all things considered. My head feels terribly tender and I'm so very tired and have zero motivation to actually do anything. And my bus is detouring from its current route and bypassing 5 or 6 stops, which means I had to walk an extra 15-minutes uphill to get to the next one. Maybe it's endorphins from getting my heart going a little, but even though I'm exhausted, I'm in a good mood. In work I had a little chat and some laughs with my manager and a few other guys in my team. My manager is fine with the fact that I'm going to be down 3 hours for the working period and is more than happy for me to make it up next week. Whoo!
Anyway, I need to get some work done, since I'm kind of behind after chatting.
More later,
Vee xox
I was doing so well yesterday. Up until 7pm I had only eaten around 200 calories worth of rice (one of the only things I had in the house aside from frozen meals and peanut butter) and was feeling good. Through the day my migraine had slowly abated to a persistent, niggling headache. Towards nighttime though, my head was starting to throb and pound all over again and I was drenched in sweat even though our heating was off - and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am ALWAYS cold. So I thought shit, I need to eat something. I grabbed a frozen meal and shoved it in the microwave and ate it without tasting it. I felt like I was panicking. I also downed a ton of water just in case I was getting dehydrated and that was messing me up.
Luckily, after eating I went to bed with a cool gel thing on my head and, although it took me several hours to fall asleep, I woke up pain-free. Thank god.
Funny story: strange noises kept waking me up even though I had earplugs in, but then when I listened there was nothing. I was freaking myself out. This morning I open the bathroom door (I had shut it because there was a spider on the ceiling and I didn't want the little fucker venturing over to my bedroom in the middle of the night) and my aunt's cat darted out and started purring around my ankles. Oops!
Surprisingly, today is an alright day so far, all things considered. My head feels terribly tender and I'm so very tired and have zero motivation to actually do anything. And my bus is detouring from its current route and bypassing 5 or 6 stops, which means I had to walk an extra 15-minutes uphill to get to the next one. Maybe it's endorphins from getting my heart going a little, but even though I'm exhausted, I'm in a good mood. In work I had a little chat and some laughs with my manager and a few other guys in my team. My manager is fine with the fact that I'm going to be down 3 hours for the working period and is more than happy for me to make it up next week. Whoo!
Anyway, I need to get some work done, since I'm kind of behind after chatting.
More later,
Vee xox
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Fighting
...hopefully NOT a losing battle.
I'm in full-on binge mode. I can feel it swelling up inside of me. I'm not even hungry but the need to eat and eat and eat is almost overwhelming. Earlier it was just "good" homemade food that I wanted but now I'm in a place psycholigically where it doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
So far I've been okay. I've had a couple of the very small brownies I brought in, and lots of water, and nothing else. But when I go home, there is food. And I'm in a mood where I almost want to make a huge batch of peanut butter cupcakes and then devour all two dozen of them.
I feel like a complete failure admitting this because, although last week's food was bad and couldn't technically be called a "binge" I guess (portion control wasn't TOO bad), I've only been restricting properly for ONE fucking day and I'm already a mess.
Part of me is telling me to just get it out of my system. To eat everything I want tonight, and then throw away EVERYTHING so that the ONLY food left in the house is my aunts'. But I don't want to be a failure before I've even really gotten into it. If I had been restricting and fasting for two weeks, I could understand the need to binge that's welling up inside of me, that's cresting over me like a fucking tsunami. But I haven't. I've had one meal a day for the past two weeks, and that one meal has NOT been restrictive. Somewhere between bingeing and restricting is where I'd been. I want to say "normal" but normal people eat more than once a day, right?
But the fact of the matter is, I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I'm estimating that I have put back on the 5lbs I lost the week before. I am planning to NOT step on the scale until Saturday morning, that hopefully whatever damage was inflicted will be undone by then. Because if I look at the scale and see 200 again I... just have no idea how I'd react. Even when I weighed in at 198 a couple of weeks ago, it was bad but damn it, it was under The Magic Number.
So the huge other side of me is screaming at me not to fuck up. To be GOOD for fucksakes. To understand that my body can not possibly be that hungry and starved of nutrients and calories and shit. And even if it IS, that's just a better oppourtunity to let it burn and enjoy the ride.
I've never felt like this before. I've had my bingey moments, don't get me wrong. But I've never felt it like THIS and I don't know how to react or what to do. I don't want to give in. And if I do, I will feel worse than I do right now. So is it worth it? No, it's not. But I'm sure you out there can appreciate that it's not always up to us what we do and don't eat. And I'm terrified of fucking up, of being unable to get myself under strict control. Why was it so easy before Birthday Madness? That first week back here was so easy. And before all the shittaliciousness that caused me to fall off, back in February, it was so easy.
So why is it so hard right now?
Usually my drive to eat, my inability to reign in the fat monster inside of me, is linked with stress. But I'm not stressed right now!
Since I moved here I never really forged any close friendships except with my ex, who turned out to be a monster douche. Now I've got a really close friendship with S and I love her. My working life is going amazingly well. I just got a raise so I can stop obsessing over my half-year review coming up in six weeks, because obviously my manager is damn happy with me! I'm going on two rock ass vacations before the end of the year. I'll get to see my best friends for the first time in three years, and then laze around in the sun in a four-star hotel on a beach in Cancun. In a few weeks I'm moving to a slightly bigger house in a much nicer neighbourhood - once my trips are paid off I can look into buying some stuff for my room, to make it My Space (not to be confused with the social networking 'site). There isn't a man in my life right now, but for the first time in a while I'm not actually depressed over that fact.
Everything in my life feels like it's slowly starting to fall back into place, that the pieces of the puzzle are slotting themself together and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time since I can't even remember when.
So why do I feel like I'm losing my shit?
It's not just the whole wanting to binge and sabotage myself. I feel like something contained deep down inside is fighting to come out. That its bonds are cracking at the seams and something is going to explode. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Give me strength girls. And thanks for listening.
I'm in full-on binge mode. I can feel it swelling up inside of me. I'm not even hungry but the need to eat and eat and eat is almost overwhelming. Earlier it was just "good" homemade food that I wanted but now I'm in a place psycholigically where it doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
So far I've been okay. I've had a couple of the very small brownies I brought in, and lots of water, and nothing else. But when I go home, there is food. And I'm in a mood where I almost want to make a huge batch of peanut butter cupcakes and then devour all two dozen of them.
I feel like a complete failure admitting this because, although last week's food was bad and couldn't technically be called a "binge" I guess (portion control wasn't TOO bad), I've only been restricting properly for ONE fucking day and I'm already a mess.
Part of me is telling me to just get it out of my system. To eat everything I want tonight, and then throw away EVERYTHING so that the ONLY food left in the house is my aunts'. But I don't want to be a failure before I've even really gotten into it. If I had been restricting and fasting for two weeks, I could understand the need to binge that's welling up inside of me, that's cresting over me like a fucking tsunami. But I haven't. I've had one meal a day for the past two weeks, and that one meal has NOT been restrictive. Somewhere between bingeing and restricting is where I'd been. I want to say "normal" but normal people eat more than once a day, right?
But the fact of the matter is, I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I'm estimating that I have put back on the 5lbs I lost the week before. I am planning to NOT step on the scale until Saturday morning, that hopefully whatever damage was inflicted will be undone by then. Because if I look at the scale and see 200 again I... just have no idea how I'd react. Even when I weighed in at 198 a couple of weeks ago, it was bad but damn it, it was under The Magic Number.
So the huge other side of me is screaming at me not to fuck up. To be GOOD for fucksakes. To understand that my body can not possibly be that hungry and starved of nutrients and calories and shit. And even if it IS, that's just a better oppourtunity to let it burn and enjoy the ride.
I've never felt like this before. I've had my bingey moments, don't get me wrong. But I've never felt it like THIS and I don't know how to react or what to do. I don't want to give in. And if I do, I will feel worse than I do right now. So is it worth it? No, it's not. But I'm sure you out there can appreciate that it's not always up to us what we do and don't eat. And I'm terrified of fucking up, of being unable to get myself under strict control. Why was it so easy before Birthday Madness? That first week back here was so easy. And before all the shittaliciousness that caused me to fall off, back in February, it was so easy.
So why is it so hard right now?
Usually my drive to eat, my inability to reign in the fat monster inside of me, is linked with stress. But I'm not stressed right now!
Since I moved here I never really forged any close friendships except with my ex, who turned out to be a monster douche. Now I've got a really close friendship with S and I love her. My working life is going amazingly well. I just got a raise so I can stop obsessing over my half-year review coming up in six weeks, because obviously my manager is damn happy with me! I'm going on two rock ass vacations before the end of the year. I'll get to see my best friends for the first time in three years, and then laze around in the sun in a four-star hotel on a beach in Cancun. In a few weeks I'm moving to a slightly bigger house in a much nicer neighbourhood - once my trips are paid off I can look into buying some stuff for my room, to make it My Space (not to be confused with the social networking 'site). There isn't a man in my life right now, but for the first time in a while I'm not actually depressed over that fact.
Everything in my life feels like it's slowly starting to fall back into place, that the pieces of the puzzle are slotting themself together and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time since I can't even remember when.
So why do I feel like I'm losing my shit?
It's not just the whole wanting to binge and sabotage myself. I feel like something contained deep down inside is fighting to come out. That its bonds are cracking at the seams and something is going to explode. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Give me strength girls. And thanks for listening.
Bleghghghhgghgh
...Shit, I forgot what I even wrote about yesterday, let me go check.
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Monday, 18 May 2009
Monday Catch-Up
I avoided my blog last week, mostly because of all the crap going on. I also completely avoided my scale, and it's killing me not knowing exactly what I weigh. But I think it would be much worse to look and find out just how MUCH I've gained.
Last week was The Week of Birthday Eating that I couldn't get out of. Restaurants and fast food and more restaurants, and baking (although I've been really good with the baked goods, I only had a couple "blondie" brownies and a cupcake - the coffee in the buttercream icing gave me a migraine so it was a great excuse to avoid the rest and give them to my neighbours).
I won't list all the crap I had to go out for with friends and family, because I don't want to trigger a binge for anybody, but we'll suffice it to say that I will not be at all surprised if I weighed myself this morning to find the big 200 staring back at me.
But, all of the birthday festivities are over and I can go back to the whole "Um no I can't go out for dinner" excuses.
And today has started off remarkably well!
But I have to skip back to last week again before I can explain how good today is. See, after my aunts left for Spain on Saturday Morning last week, I've been on my own in the house except when people came over for birthday shizz. And I tend to get really paranoid and retarded when I'm on my own. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid of the dark to start with, so I am very good at freaking myself out. I also live in a neighbourhood where the local teens are not above mugging old men or slashing tires for no reason. So every noise had me completely convinced someone was going to break into the house or bust up my aunt's car.
The third night, I had stayed up until around 2-3 am, chatting with my good friends online, when a short, very high pitched, VERY LOUD beep sounded throughout the house. I couldn't figure out what it was or where it was coming from. That night, I got to sleep around 6am, no lie. Ugh. And for four days I could not figure out what it was or where it was coming from, and it was really weirding me out that it was only doing it at night. It would start at 1am and keep going at random intervals (anywhere between 10 minutes and a little over an hour) until between 9 and 11 the next morning. Thank god for earplugs, although it was loud so I could still hear it.
Yesterday, it kept going, and after beeping every 15 minutes until 2 in the afternoon, I finally figured it out: our fucking smoke alarm. I went up to it, braced myself and pressed the TEST button - and nothing happened. It SHOULD have emitted a high, loud, fast BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP that would probably deafen me entirely OR cure my tinnitus with shock therapy. But nothing happened. So I took the fucking dead battery out and HEY NO NOISE. AWESOME.
Of course, the night before last I didn't go to sleep until around 4 so I slept fitfully until 1pm yesterday afternoon. This kind of sleeping pattern is not conducive to going back to a work schedule. So of course last night I couldn't sleep at all, finally passed out around 4ish and my alarm went off at 7. Ugh.
So, I came into work - 20 minutes later than usual - and thought this was the shitty start to a shitty new day. But when I went to get my phone out of my bag (I keep my mobile on my desk "just in case" because between my aunt's suicidal tendencies and my grandfather's "could-drop-dead-at-any-minute-five-minutes-from-now-or-ten-years-from-now" heart condition, you never know) I discovered £10 I forgot I had. I'd gotten £10 cash back when I'd paid for some baking supplies at Tesco on Friday and thrown it into my bag with the receipt and then forgot all about it so whoo!
Then! My manager pulled me aside a few minutes ago to tell me about pay rises. I was under the impression I wouldn't be getting one, because our work's intranet said the pay review was only for those who haven't had any recent raises already. But my manager clearly rocks out loud. Basically he'd been given a budget to give everyone in our team a rise up to a total of 3.5% of our annual salary, at his discretion. So he said he'd decided to give people he was really impressed with the full 3.5, 1.75 would go to average people, and very little-to-nothing to people who were "crap" (his word, not mine) - then he proceeded to tell me he's super pleased with me, the work that I do, how I interact with the rest of the team (and apparently my facebook updates make him lol) so I've got the full 3.5%. THEN! To make it even better he came back to tell me it will be paid in this month's salary (next week) AND! it's being backdated for the previous 2 months. Considering the amount of overtime I've got in this month's pay, that should really bump it up.
Thank fuck, because I really need all the help I can get or Cancun is going on my credit card.
So yeah. This week, like I said, is a "new leaf" as it were. Effective immediately I'm cutting back to a maximum cap of 400 calories a day and will try to keep below that. I've been having probiotic drinks in the morning because my immune system and also my digestion (From a childhood bout with pnumonia, and all the shit I've eaten this week, respectively) are fucked up. I've got a fat free 100kcal yogurt on my desk that I was planning on having for lunch but I'm not sure I even want it now so I might just get some hot water and a stock cube and have that instead for 19kcals. Dinner, I don't know yet. We'll see when I get home. But sticking under 400 should be ridiculously easy =]
Mmm. I just remembered I need to update y'all on the braces front too, but I'll make a new post for that one.
Here's to starting fresh. Again, I know, but still.
Last week was The Week of Birthday Eating that I couldn't get out of. Restaurants and fast food and more restaurants, and baking (although I've been really good with the baked goods, I only had a couple "blondie" brownies and a cupcake - the coffee in the buttercream icing gave me a migraine so it was a great excuse to avoid the rest and give them to my neighbours).
I won't list all the crap I had to go out for with friends and family, because I don't want to trigger a binge for anybody, but we'll suffice it to say that I will not be at all surprised if I weighed myself this morning to find the big 200 staring back at me.
But, all of the birthday festivities are over and I can go back to the whole "Um no I can't go out for dinner" excuses.
And today has started off remarkably well!
But I have to skip back to last week again before I can explain how good today is. See, after my aunts left for Spain on Saturday Morning last week, I've been on my own in the house except when people came over for birthday shizz. And I tend to get really paranoid and retarded when I'm on my own. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid of the dark to start with, so I am very good at freaking myself out. I also live in a neighbourhood where the local teens are not above mugging old men or slashing tires for no reason. So every noise had me completely convinced someone was going to break into the house or bust up my aunt's car.
The third night, I had stayed up until around 2-3 am, chatting with my good friends online, when a short, very high pitched, VERY LOUD beep sounded throughout the house. I couldn't figure out what it was or where it was coming from. That night, I got to sleep around 6am, no lie. Ugh. And for four days I could not figure out what it was or where it was coming from, and it was really weirding me out that it was only doing it at night. It would start at 1am and keep going at random intervals (anywhere between 10 minutes and a little over an hour) until between 9 and 11 the next morning. Thank god for earplugs, although it was loud so I could still hear it.
Yesterday, it kept going, and after beeping every 15 minutes until 2 in the afternoon, I finally figured it out: our fucking smoke alarm. I went up to it, braced myself and pressed the TEST button - and nothing happened. It SHOULD have emitted a high, loud, fast BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP that would probably deafen me entirely OR cure my tinnitus with shock therapy. But nothing happened. So I took the fucking dead battery out and HEY NO NOISE. AWESOME.
Of course, the night before last I didn't go to sleep until around 4 so I slept fitfully until 1pm yesterday afternoon. This kind of sleeping pattern is not conducive to going back to a work schedule. So of course last night I couldn't sleep at all, finally passed out around 4ish and my alarm went off at 7. Ugh.
So, I came into work - 20 minutes later than usual - and thought this was the shitty start to a shitty new day. But when I went to get my phone out of my bag (I keep my mobile on my desk "just in case" because between my aunt's suicidal tendencies and my grandfather's "could-drop-dead-at-any-minute-five-minutes-from-now-or-ten-years-from-now" heart condition, you never know) I discovered £10 I forgot I had. I'd gotten £10 cash back when I'd paid for some baking supplies at Tesco on Friday and thrown it into my bag with the receipt and then forgot all about it so whoo!
Then! My manager pulled me aside a few minutes ago to tell me about pay rises. I was under the impression I wouldn't be getting one, because our work's intranet said the pay review was only for those who haven't had any recent raises already. But my manager clearly rocks out loud. Basically he'd been given a budget to give everyone in our team a rise up to a total of 3.5% of our annual salary, at his discretion. So he said he'd decided to give people he was really impressed with the full 3.5, 1.75 would go to average people, and very little-to-nothing to people who were "crap" (his word, not mine) - then he proceeded to tell me he's super pleased with me, the work that I do, how I interact with the rest of the team (and apparently my facebook updates make him lol) so I've got the full 3.5%. THEN! To make it even better he came back to tell me it will be paid in this month's salary (next week) AND! it's being backdated for the previous 2 months. Considering the amount of overtime I've got in this month's pay, that should really bump it up.
Thank fuck, because I really need all the help I can get or Cancun is going on my credit card.
So yeah. This week, like I said, is a "new leaf" as it were. Effective immediately I'm cutting back to a maximum cap of 400 calories a day and will try to keep below that. I've been having probiotic drinks in the morning because my immune system and also my digestion (From a childhood bout with pnumonia, and all the shit I've eaten this week, respectively) are fucked up. I've got a fat free 100kcal yogurt on my desk that I was planning on having for lunch but I'm not sure I even want it now so I might just get some hot water and a stock cube and have that instead for 19kcals. Dinner, I don't know yet. We'll see when I get home. But sticking under 400 should be ridiculously easy =]
Mmm. I just remembered I need to update y'all on the braces front too, but I'll make a new post for that one.
Here's to starting fresh. Again, I know, but still.
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