Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Trying to Stay Motivated

This morning I woke up exactly the same as I did yesterday. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I'm so stressed out and depressed right now, it's stupid. I don't even have a real reason to be stressed out and depressed, so maybe I'm just going through a bit of a downer phase. The very thought of trying to find space to unpack all of my shit makes me want to pass out. Honestly, I have SO MUCH SHIT. And I can't even think of anything to get rid of. Because damn it, I spent good money on accumulating this shit, and the minute I throw it away is the minute I'll need it again.

I'm such a damn pack rat.

I have so much art "stuff". Sketch books and artist pencils and charcoal and fine-tipped pens for inking in line art. But the sad truth is that I haven't touched a sketch book in... well. Over a year at least, I haven't touched any of it since I moved in with my aunts. I love to draw, but my perfectionism outweighs the level of my talent and whenever I try, I just get pissed off. It doesn't help that ALL I can draw are cartooney figures. And even then, only chicks. So really, what's the point, right?

And yet, I keep it. I've always been very creative and artistic, and even though I haven't touched any of it in over a year, it feels like a sin to get rid of it.

Ditto with my guitar. I wanted a guitar for YEARS. When I moved here, the first year I was here, on November 12th 2004, my aunt bought me a second-hand acoustic from a cash converters place. Early Christmas present. And I was SO excited. I printed off guitar tabs from the internet and set to work trying to learn, well, anything.

That was nearly five years ago, and I can only play one song. I can fumble through another VERY, retardedly, slowly. I almost never try. It feels like a lost cause because I've been learning so god damn slowly, don't know where to start.

This has given me a little bit of insight into my too-ready-to-give-up nature. And realizing it makes me more determined than ever to prove myself wrong and reach ONE of my god damn goals. Every other goal I've set just never happened.

Learn to play guitar.

Learn to speak Japanese (still in progress, though)

Get a university degree to be proud of, and then a "real job".

Finish writing my book before I'm 25.

That last one makes me both want to laugh and cry.

I started writing it in high school. Scrapped it and restarted it like four times so far. Right now, I'm 23 years old, and I have nine pages in a word document. Nine. Fucking. Pages. And everytime I go to write more, I have no motivation, no level of creativity, I don't know what to write. When I force myself to write another paragraph, two paragraphs, a page, I wind up deleting it because the beginning of the story flows and reads okay, but everything I add on reads so dumb and fucking redundant.

But the goal to hit 120lbs? I will fucking damn well get there. Today is a set back, in that my weight is the exact same, down to the tenth of a pound, as it was yesterday. But I'll get there. I have to.

So, today's planning. I had to deviate from what I wrote yesterday because I forgot to put my milk-cooler-thing into the freezer last night.

Morning Weigh-In: 203.6lbs

ABC Day: 3

Calorie Cap: 300

Breakfast Plan: Vitality Probiotic Drink

Breakfast Calories: 67

Lunch Plan: Vanilla Muller Light Yogurt

Lunch Calories: 100

Dinner Plan: Chicken 10-Calorie Soup

Dinner Calories: 10

Snack Plan: Strawberry Muller Light Yogurt

Snack Calories: 100

Total: 277 calories

The snack is provisional. I'm not banking on having it, but I'm making it an option if I feel like I need something else. I'd rather fill up on 100 calories worth of yogurt than grap a maple syrup granola bar or something. Anyway, it's there if I really want something else in the evening.

God, I'm so tired. Wish me luck for today, I'll need it just to stop from falling asleep at my desk.

Vee xox


Erika said...


We are the same weight. We have the same goal weight. We are only one year apart. We both are creative packrats. I'm writing a book as well.

If your real name is Samantha, I'm going to poop my pants. Well, no, that would be disgusting - but I'd be even more astonished.

Anywho: DON'T get rid of the guitar, the art supplies, those nine pages. Those are necessities. And don't freak out about the book. It's overwhelming when you think of the big picture: a big, fat, well written book. Instead, write a page a day - and if it turns out that it goes a completely different direction than you intended for your novel, let it. You might end up with a book you never thought you'd write.

But seriously: are you me?

Vee said...

Hahaha. Freaky indeed, oh what!

Yes. I am your Tyler Durden. Bonus points if you get the reference without having to google it ;]

But no haha, my real name starts with a V (hence my lame uncreative blog nickname lol)

Don't worry, I'd never get rid of my guitar... One day I'll be able to play it beautifully. One day! I just keep telling myself.

And I'm still determined that my book will be written. I just need to find some motivation. Sigh. Writing a book is the one thing I've ever really felt passionate about, so I won't give up. It might happen very, very slowly, but it will happen. I think part of this whole apathy towards it is that when I moved here, I had to leave behind a couple notebooks filled with plotting and planning and scene outlines, and when I went back home to visit magically they were completely fucking gone. I *know* most of what's going to happen in the story, but it's a matter of getting it down on "paper" and actually making it sound halfway decent. You can read what I've written so far if you're interested. But it's really just an introductory chapter and a half lol.

Anyway this *is* spooky. But it's nice =] Thank god for Blogger hey? Connecting with new friends and people you have more in common with than you'd imagine!


Erika said...

I am Jack's collection of Chuck Palahniuk books.

Vee said...

...I'm pretty sure we're actually the same person.


*runs off to Amazon*

PrettyWreck said...

Everyone is a writer, so I know you're probably getting lots of "THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD DO IT" advice XD Everybody fancies themselves the next Wilde or Lackey or even the next Norah Roberts.

The truth is, there's a reason there's only ONE Wilde or ONE Poe. Because most of the people who tout themselves as writers are nothing but those who think "ONE DAY I WILL WRITE THAT BOOK".

So do try to be CAREFUL about who you listen to. own two cents on the writing thing...yes, I am a writer. A novelist, to be quite honest. While none of my novels are published, I have thirteen completed and under my belt that I'm currently rewriting, and I have the outlines of a trilogy that I'm waiting for the right time to write, and I do poetry professionally. I also have run a writing website for a few years now.

So I can tell you - perfectionism is the worst thing for any author to have.

I find that when I write straight out, like how I would expect a book to be published, I don't finish it. I have something called ywriter, instead (if you wanta link to the program I can give it to you) and what I do is I first write out descriptions of the chapters. One or two sentences of what I want to have happen. So say...I want the story to develop from LeadA (LA) being a young kid on the streets to the end where LA and say, BoyA (BA) wind up running a big firm together, and I have a basic idea of they get from start to finish.

So I'll have it seperated into parts. Part 1, LA introduced, BA introduced. Part 2, LA and BA thrown together by wild rampaging gafilta fish. Part 3, LA and BA conquer gafilta fish slaying market. Part 4, closing chapter, they live happily ever after.

Then I start to write little snippets of each chapter.
So say in part 1, I would have one sentence to describe the main action in chapter 1, then 2, then 3. Quick outlines. Then I would go back, and start to type out more details. Like...not worrying about tense. Write it as I think it, and worry about it making sense later. Then I go back, and I flesh out the details and hammer out the rough spots and the parts that don't make sense.

THEN I do the final draft, and worry about how pretty it sounds. It takes forever, but you know what?
I've spent...years trying to rewrite book 1 in my main series. In a month? I've got the outline done, and am almost done with five chapters completely. So I managed to move beyond those few sentences.

Sometimes, when you need that control, it's better to lay out the broader outline, so you have boundaries and rules to follow by, and don't feel so obsessed with perfectin, at least until the end, when it's easier to do it.

That's just how I do it. So hopefully that helps. ♥