Tuesday, 9 June 2009

A Moment of Strength

God, I'm so fucking upbeat and positive today that I kind of want to scream. Remember when I wrote ages ago about starvation = euphoria? It's still fucking true. I've missed this. It's an amazing feeling.

Just now I went to the little book stall set up outside my work's canteen, and picked up a birthday present for S - a dessert cookbook. And it cost me £4. Regular price? £20. Score! So I shall just need to get a card and wrap it up nicely and it's good to go. Although in retrospect we're now going to have to carry it around the mall on Saturday. Oh well =]

I also picked up a little Juice recipe book set. It's so cute, the box that the three little books are in is shaped like a mini juice/milk carton (That just made me think, do we have milk cartons over here? I know we have the bottles but I can't remember seeing any cardboard cartons. Trippy! Screw cartons, England needs to discover the good ol' Milk In A Bag that we had back in Canada, ehehe. Ok ok, I'm off topic already). The three books are for Vegetable juices, Fruit juices, and Smoothies respectively.

I figure this will be good because I've been wanting a juicer and to be able to do some juice-fasts every now and again, and the book will give me a little inspiration and I'll be able to try something new rather than eating and drinking the same boring shit every day. It'll be... interesting. The problem right now is that I don't actually HAVE a juicer. There's one on sale in the Morrison's near my new house that has one on sale for £9.98, and I was going to buy it, but then J said her sister in law gave them one ages ago and its in their garage. Which is ok but do I really want a juicer that's been sitting in their spider-infested garage for the past 2+ years? Probably not. I think I'll buy the juicer when I go shopping this weekend. And also make a mental note to buy some fruits and vegetables to try a couple of the juices out.

Honestly, I'm so excited about this. More than I should be, haha.

Jeez... I've posted SIX times already today? I have issues...

Moving on.

Like I said, the book stall was outside work's canteen. I went in to get a Pepsi Max, because I need something other than lukewarm-water-that-gives-me-heartburn to drink, and the drinks machine near where my desk is doesn't have a SINGLE diet beverage in it. And although that Lilt would have tasted amazing, it wasn't worth the 60 calories for a 500ml bottle.

Anyway, I was SO tempted to buy something to eat. First I looked at the yogurts, but I already had a yogurt at my desk. Then I looked at the fruit, but they looked like they were in a state of suspended decay. Then I looked at the sandwiches and so very very nearly picked up a cheese-and-pepperoni panini. And then I saw the mushroom stroganoff with rice, and a voice inside said "You did so well yesterday, having that for lunch today isn't going to kill you, you know" - but I fought it down and let that other voice take over instead. The one that was telling me "What's the point in doing so well yesterday to begin with if you're going to turn around and fuck it right up again on day two? Are you really so god damn weak that you can't handle two days in a row without stuffing yourself full of greasy food like the fat pig you don't want to be?"

I turned away, internally screaming at the voice that dared to tell me it was okay. Because it was not okay at all. I could do this, I wasn't even really hungry, I just wanted it because it was THERE and it would taste okay for the entire ten minutes it would take me to eat it. But then were would I be? So I smiled and I turned away and went to pay for my bottle of pop.

Then, I was interrupted when the lady from the security desk in reception turned to me and said hi. Told me I looked different, good-different with blonde hair and she didn't recognize me at first. She told me I looked "fab" and I wanted to hit her. I do not look fab. The last compliment she paid me was the last time I ran into her about a year ago, when she told me "My god, you've lost a load of weight, you look fantastic!" - which she couldn't say to me today because here I am, 30lbs heavier than I was back then.

Funny, isn't it? A compliment means nothing unless it's a comment about how much weight you've lost, how slim and skinny you look.

All the same, I'm still in a great mood. I came back to my desk and ate my yogurt and I can honestly, truly say that I feel full. I'm not just talking sated and not-hungry but actually full. Which just reinforces the fact that I don't actually, really, need to eat more. If I'd bought food from the canteen, I'd have eaten it just for the sake of it, I would have regretted it and felt like shit and gained weight. And I wasn't even hungry.

I love these moments. The times I make the right decisions. They seem way too few and far between, but when they happen I feel elated.

Haha ok I'm going to try not to write any more random posts today, lord knows I've already spammed up my followers' dashboard bloglist enough.

No posts tomorrow as I'm off work and the home internet isn't up yet. But I'll be thinking of you! xxx

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