Thursday, 4 June 2009

Long Weekend!

So. Today? Not a good day. Not the worst day ever, but definitely a bad one.

Last night I moved some stuff around in my bedroom and unpacked a couple of boxes, started putting makeup and clothes and things away. The room already looks a ton bigger and I've only taken out three boxes. But anyway, I'm glad progress is finally being made. After work yesterday we had to hit the mall to see the people at the Sky counter set up there to go about signing up for a new package at the new house (the dude there told us just to cancel the old one and sign up at the new house under J's name instead, and we're getting a free Sky plus box, a free standard box for my bedroom, free installation next Wednesday, and our subscription is free for the first 3 months, normally £56, woot) and we didn't get back until after 9 so I was going to just go to bed. After I'd gotten ready to go to bed, I was going to watch an episode of something on my computer and then go to sleep, but at the last minute I had a burst of energy (completely unexpected) so I unpacked instead. Yay!

Of course, today yet again, I was wide awake at 5 and feel like I haven't slept at all. I'm hoping once the treadmill is freed from it's boxed-in corner and I can properly workout, my body will be tired enough to actually sleep through a fucking night. We'll see, but fingers are crossed.

So, I got out some of my old work trousers. And that's where the bad times start.

I bought these trousers probably the first couple of months I lived in England, so we're talking Summer 2004 when I was at my highest weight ever. At the time, they were very tight and I was in fucking denial and refused to buy the next size up. I'm amazed they've lasted, seriously.

Anyway, at the end of 2007 when I broke up with my ex, I had a terribly bad time that did wonders for my figure. I had no appetite and I was being sick every time I ate anything at all - mostly it was entirely involuntary but I will admit that more than once or twice while brushing my teeth in the morning I'd stick the brush back a little further than it needed to go to help matters along. This went on from October until probably May in varying degrees. Between the end of October and Christmas I'd lost 30lbs, just over 2 stone. And I felt amazing. It got to the point where these work trousers were literally falling off. I wasn't skinny by any means, I still weighed around 172lbs, but I was a lot thinner than I had been in years (my weight has been a struggle, always up and down, but usually hovering above 180 since I was 16, which is when it was packed on in the first place). It was to the point where, whenever I walked to the printer from my desk at work, I would have to hold them up, because every step made them shimmy down just a little more.

Eventually I had to buy some a size smaller, and even they were loose. Of course, now they fit okay instead of being loose, not too tight but definitely not how they were (at the time I could fit into the next size down but they were a bit tight and uncomfortable so I had to get the size up, which was just one size down instead of two). It was that "new" pair that split the other night. So last night I got out the older ones, a size bigger.

And they fucking fit the same as the old ones do. I am so fucking depressed because of this, it's unreal. I mean my UK size 18 trousers fit me like my UK size 16s do. How the fuck does that make sense? I know for a fact these trousers are bigger than the other ones, because I purposely bought some that fit tighter.

So I can only assume that I'm even fatter than I thought I was, that the size 16s fit the same as the 18s do because they've been gradually stretched the fuck out by my fat ass.

My mood is completely shit right now and I'm more determined than ever. I will see 175 by the end of summer, so help me God. Ana will help me. She will take my hand and guide me. And she will finally help me to find my smile again.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Keep it going girly, it's all up to you. Try buying a pair of expensive jeans or pants that you really like but are REALLY tight or cannot fit into. And then carry them around in the times when you KNOW are you weak times. Works for me :) good luck!