Explanation?

After the string of previous posts on here, I’m pretty sure none of this is going to come as a surprise to you, and you’ve probably already guessed, but the whole reason I was away for so long was because of how depressed I was.

Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.

Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.

I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.

So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.

But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.

That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.

What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.

Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.

So here I am.

Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.

I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.

This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.

And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.

I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.

Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.

Updates!

Ok, just as I loaded up Blogger to post this, I opened up the Chococat 2010 Diary that I bought to write daily calorie stuff in, AND IT SMELLS LIKE MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE.

That is ONLY awesome because it isn't making me crave it.

Anyway.

Today wasn't a great food-day. I definitely went over the 300 cals I was allotted for Day 3, the Sunday Dinner notwithstanding there was ice cream for dessert and J assumed I wanted a ton so she gave me a full bowl full Fuck, I love ice cream. So that was my weakness for today, I ate more ice cream than I should have.

I was toying with the idea of changing plans and starting ABC again tomorrow, but for the sake of a few calories it isn't worth restarting. Not least of all because the totals are already written in my diary! I mean, tomorrow is a 400 day and the day after is a 500 day anyway, so for the sake of "restarting" I'm practically on the same daily caps anyway. So, tomorrow remains Day 4 =]

Didn't get a chance to weigh in this morning, as I woke up late and was rushing around for when my grandparents turned up for dinner. Probably up slightly as I had a few chips (fries) and part of a slice of garlic bread last night at Bingo, but not by much.

Tomorrow's plan of attack!

Breakfast: Apple with cinnamon and Splenda: 80
Lunch: 10-kcal Soup: 10
Dinner: Weight Watchers' Frozen Meal: 300
Total: 3809

Which means I should be just on target for the day. =]

It makes me happy to restrict and plan within an allowance and hit it!

I sound really upbeat today, and I'm making an effort to try to be more positive in general (it's another resolution for 2010, but I'm not sure how long it will last). But the truth is that right now I'm fantasizing about falling in the ice and snow and breaking my leg in three places so I won't be able to go to work for a few weeks.

And then I get really disappointed that it won't happen.

I think I'm more depressed than usual today because I had an amazing dream last night. I dreamed I met this gorgeous, amazingly sweet guy and we were hanging out and doing day to day things together but it was so fucking nice. And then I woke up and remembered that I've been alone for a year and a half. I haven't been laid in two weeks short of two YEARS. And my depression over my loneliness just got me depressed all over again about everything. This whole bullshit with my job just makes the past four years working for this company a waste. Four years I COULD have been doing something with my life instead of going nowhere fast. That I'm stuck at square one again and have nothing but a 5 thousand pound credit card debt and a broken heart to show for it.

So. Happy New Year.

Let's make 2010 the Year Of Change.

(comments to come tomorrow)

Dread

Holy Christ, I can't believe how on edge I am lately. I'm even pissing myself off at this point with my random catiness and whiplash inducing mood swings. The smallest things and irritating me and I'm trying not to let it show, but although nobody's said anything to me I'm pretty sure my bitchtasticness is at least a little apparent. And it's all because I'm so fucking stressed out and absolutely DREADING going back to work. I can't even find it in me to enjoy these last couple of days away, because it just feels like a ticking time bomb.

The sooner I find a new job, the better, I think. Which is more stress, but at least it's a means to an end and hopefully a job I don't despise to the point of depression and panic attacks.

Today was a day much like any other. Got up, breakfast with The Vacationers (a tiny scoop of scrambled eggs, two strips of bacon and a couple small breakfast sausages. I dread to even attempt the calorie counts here, fuck), lounging on a sun bed by the pool listening to loud music and reading (The Time-Traveller's Wife, in case anyone is wondering, and I just finished The Bible AKA Wasted). Quick buffet lunch that consisted of exactly six french fries and then some ice cream. Retired to my room to watch episodes of Gossip Girl and catch up - I don't smoke, Gossip Girl is my replacement addiction.

Which brings me to now. Bored and stressed out. All this nervous energy must be good for burning calories though, I'm always moving, fidgeting, I can not physically sit still, which is in turn keeping me awake which is the opposite of awesome but I don't sleep well anyway so it's not a major loss. I feel physically ill all the time right now. And I'm constantly tired, both from the lack of sleep and as a side effect of being so god damn down right now.

The laughable part is how this whole work fiasco has played out. My old manager, my old manager's-manager, my new manager, my new manager's-manager, and every single member of staff in my old team and new team know how much I hate this, how much it's affecting me and how down I am. But nobody cares. It's like I'm being penalized for being good at my job. All they're seeing is my numbers are awesome. The new area needs good numbers. Ergo, I move. But oh my Christ. Agh, I need to scream and punch and preferably stab something. Repeatedly. But I'm getting offtopic.

This whole thing feels like a huge step backwards. I've gone from having the highest work stats and productivity in my old team doing pension admin work... to not knowing a god damn thing. I'm a fish out of water. I'm supposed to be working on a call centre for group pension schemes. Taking calls from financial advisers, scheme administrators, employers, some plan holders. And answering their questions and sorting things out. But, I know absolutely fuck all about group pension schemes. I worked on group schemes when I first started with the company, but I was a glorified mail-girl. I sorted out incoming post for our scheme. I sent out confirmation letters and policy documents and the occasional forms. The scheme I worked on was a very sensitive one that was administered differently to every other scheme the company deals with. I know nothing about what I'm doing.

People call and ask questions and I do not have the slightest fucking clue. I've gone from being the best member of staff in my team, to the new girl who knows nothing. The only advantage I have over hiring a few temps from the agency, is that I know my way around the eight thousand systems we use to keep information and updates et al.

After my first week of training, I went to talk to my old manager and asked if there was any way I could be moved back. He's a great guy and is one of only two managers I've had that I've felt I can really talk to, who cares about his staff as people and not just numbers and stats. (Incidentally, I once worked for my new manager before for a couple of months. At the time, I had a review and he told me I'm great and the work I was doing was fantastic, but I wouldn't be able to get a raise because the document the company used to use to outline the eligibility for a pay rise basically said I'd need to get further training on a wider variety of admin work in order to get one. At the time all of our work was being sent to be processed in India and there was no admin work to train me on. Therefore, it was "sorry but you can't get a raise and it will be very difficult for you to get one in the near future." Fast forward, and this year under two different managers I've had four raises. So I'm not happy to be working him to start with. Fuck.)

Anyway, he said probably not as his hands are pretty much tied, but he'd speak to his manager and see what was what and post it to him hypothetically. A week later he told me that his manager wanted me to give it a couple of weeks and see if it would grow on me. A week, two weeks later I was still miserable, moreso even. So I spoke to him again and he said that his manager still wanted me to try, but he "didn't want it to get to the point where I was thinking about looking for another job." So I was honest and told him that, as things stood at that point, I would be looking for another job after Christmas. So he said he'd put the pressure on his manager and tell him this, as the company doesn't want to lose me altogether.

Then, my last day before coming here to Mexico, I went to say farewell to my old colleagues before heading off, and we spoke again. He said his manager said no, he hadn't been able to get anywhere - but if I was thinking of leaving he would "fight to keep me".

I'm sorry but, is that not what he was doing to begin with?

I'm just so irritated and annoyed and frustrated, it's such bullshit. When I go back I'll tell him point blank I'm applying for other work. I'm not expecting anything to happen, but you never know. Of course, even if they did move me back to where I was before, or even to another administrative area that isn't just callcentre work, it would then count against me next review time because I'm "inflexible" and "can't deal with change." (which is bullshit, in the four years I've worked for that company I've had no less than a dozen different managers. And every single time I've taken it in stride.)

But right now I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I could burst into tears right now, would be quite happy in fact for my plane to crash on the way back from Mexico next week.

Add my food and weight issues on top of that, and I'm basically a walking cocktail for disaster right now.

Sorry for all the ranting, but I need to spill it out because if I don't I'm going to explode in a huge way. My regular blogging will probably be more interspersed with work ranting than usual for the forseeable future - just a heads up.

Love you all, and I hope you're doing well and hitting your goals. And that life in general is going better for you than it is for me right now.

Vee xox