A Little Bit Basket-Case

I tend to get myself upset and/or worked up over absolutely nothing. That happened tonight.

I went onto facebook, and saw that my sister had tagged me in some new photos of my nephew. Whenever she or my brother upload photos of him, they tag me in them to make sure I see them. So I was going through the pictures and thinking, wow, I'm finally going to be able to see him in less than a week!

And then it kind of hit me that... he'll be 2 years old in November and I've never seen or spoken to him, I've never been able to play with him or hug him or kiss him and tell him that I love him.

And BOY OH BOY did the waterworks turn themselves on. I'm still a little teary now, but not as bad.

I just felt so shitty that, this kid is nearly two and I missed all of the baby and early-toddler stages. I missed the teething and the first smiles and the learning to walk and the first words. I missed so much, and it's really upset me. I feel like I should have made more of an effort and gone to see him sooner. I feel guilty for not being there. For being the absentee auntie.

The thing is, he was born about a month after The Big Breakup and I was a complete trainwreck of a mess for months afterward, so I couldn't really have gone if I'd wanted to. And I couldn't afford it or get time off work until now. But the guilt is still there, in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my throat like acid.

My aunt is probably the best friend I have ever had and ever will have. Our bond is stronger than most people are with their parents. But, I grew up sharing a house with her for several years and saw her pretty frequently growing up until I was about 12, when she moved back to England. I always wanted to be THAT aunt. To be the fun, cool aunt that my neices or nephews could have fun with and joke around with, who would take care of them and be there for them and listen if they wanted to talk, to be the person they felt they *could* talk to. Like my aunt is to me.

But I'm not there. I'll get to see him a handfull of times in the next few weeks, but then I come back to England and it'll be a full year before I can see him again. And I'll just have missed MORE.

So yeah, tonight has randomly been hard. But I want to thank pokerface for being there and listening as I stressed out and for being the voice of reason that helped to calm me down somewhat and see a little more clearly, to realize that the chance to be that person has not passed. I've said it before, but this guy is great and you should all go read his blog.

Hopefully we'll be back to your completely random, rambley, nonsensical, un-seriousness tomorrow. Until then, have a nice night. And give a hug to the people you love because, even though they drive you crazy, they love you, and you shouldn't take that for granted.