Friday, 24 April 2009

It's been a while...

This is just a very quick update. Mostly to tell you all how much I suck and how shitty I feel as a result of that. It's a vicious downward spiral.

To make a long story short, the past few weeks I've been ridiculously homesick. I've been depressed and chatting into the late hours of the night with my best friend in the world has just made that more pronounced. No, I don't think I could ever LIVE there again, but I haven't seen my closest friends and my siblings in three years. Yes. Three years. And it's really been getting to me.

My depression has been... bad lately. Not so bad that I can't function and pretend like I'm a normal human being, but bad enough that I have had zero will power. For two weeks, I binged every day straight, and gained a shitload of weight. After plateauing at 188 for a while, I'm back up to 196. Eight pounds in two weeks. It probably could have been a lot worse (you should have seen the shit I was eating, most of it isn't even stuff that I LIKE) but at this point I feel like a failure because my weight loss has been nearly all erased.

I'm turning over a new leaf though, and trying to start over from scratch now. This is a new starting point to me. And it's the perfect time to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT for two reasons. The first is, yes I'm still depressed, but gaining weight has made me MORE DEPRESSED and if I ever want to be happy again I need to get my ass in gear and stop fucking around. I've also booked my tickets for my two-week trip back home in September, so I have that to look forward to - and want to turn up and have my friends go "oh GOD you've lost so much weight, you look amazing!!".

The second motivation is that I'm going on a holiday to Mexico at the end of the year. My body needs to be such that I can wear a bathing suit without breaking down into tears by December. Which is a healthy amount of time to get down to a decent weight - not necessarily a UGW, but a much better weight than I'm at now. This is my major motivation right now, because I'm going to be spending two weeks on the beach it's something I have to do, with a strict, non-negotiable deadline. I guess you could say I work well under pressure.

For now I'm not going to follow any super strict plans. I'm going to aim to hit below 600 per day, and will slowly reduce that back into a structured weekly plan. I know 600 is still pretty high, but the last time I went from a binge-cycle straight into barely eating at all I made myself the sickest I have been in a long time. Hopefully a period of adjustment will help minimize that, but I guess we'll see.

Anyway... I just want to apologise to you guys for being such a shitty shitty person. I'm back now, and I hope you'll welcome me back into your lives.


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