Tuesday, 1 June 2010

38

Sorry I haven't been posting, my dears. I keep meaning to, I really do. I miss blogging and commenting on yours. But I've been having difficulty finding the time. Or, indeed, the motivation. I just feel so apathetic all the time. Or at least, when I'm not feeling depressed.

38.

This is the number of days between today and the day I step foot on a plane headed for my hometown in Canada. 38 Days until I see my friends and family for the first time in nearly a year, a good 15-20lbs heavier than I was back then. 38 Days until I call my biological father and make a date to meet up and go for dinner. To see him for the first time in eighteen years.

This is also my deadline. I have to restrict as hard as I possibly can to lose the maximum amount of weight possible. I have to try to make myself blog, even when I can't find it in me to care about myself enough to even wonder if anybody else cares enough to read the drivel I write here.

I can NOT go to Canada at my current weight. Were I to gain 7lbs I would be at the threshold at which I always told myself "if I ever reach this weight, I will kill myself."

The good point I suppose, if there IS any, is that today marks the first day (again) of the previously mentioned Milk And Yogurt diet, which is surgeon-approved, I might add. My aunt and I were talking this weekend and she said she was going to do it again and suggested I do it with her. I can't drink milk, it makes me physically sick, so I won't be drinking the 3 pints of milk. I will have the 2 fat-free yogurts a day, and maybe supplement with a slimfast (or half of one) if my aunt does wind up having a go that I'm not having anything else with the yogurt (she'll be getting additional "calories/nutrients" from the milk she's drinking all day every day).

The bad news is that it's my best friend S's 20th birthday this weekend and she's having a barbeque and copious amounts of alcohol. My only solace is that I tend to lose weight when I've had a lot to drink rather than gain. I know it's only water weight through dehydration from the alcohol, but it's better than nothing. But I'm not giving myself a free pass. I'm setting myself an 800 calorie limit for Saturday.

I feel so, so tired. In part because I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was stressing about work, then freaking myself out over nothing, then got a song stuck in my head that just wouldn't let my body shut down. Woke up this morning aching from head to toe like you do after a massive gym session - or when you're on Day Three of the worst flu of your life.

Also in part because I've eaten less than 200 calories today.

Small successes.

Baby steps.

3 comments:

Hanz said...

Welcome back!
I too am starting back on track, so we can get through this, yes?
And milk = the devil. x

Ana's Girl said...

I've missed you! They milk and yogart diet sounds like a good one--especially minus the milk. It should certainly produce some nice results in time for you to go back to see all your family. Stay strong, darling.

pokerface said...

Welcome back girl! I KNOW you can do this. You've done it before and proven that you're very capable. Just keep all your motivation in mind and go for it :D