A New Alli

So. I'll do a major catchup post once I figure out where I'm keeping my blog. So far it seems likely that I'll be staying here but we'll see.

In the meantime, I went to my doctor's office today to have a word with the nurse about weight loss. She weighed me and I'm down about half a pound from when the doctor weighed me on Monday when I went in for some test results, which the nurse said was really good because the scales in the doctor's office tend to weigh lighter than the ones she uses, so I've lost more than what's registered on that. So, yay I guess.

Long story short, I'm going to be taking Orlistat (the prescription drug that's in the over-the-counter drug Alli). She actually asked if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. She told me I need to lose about 12lbs in the first 3 months, and if I don't then there's no point staying on it. I actually laughed. I can lose 12lbs in one month if I stick to it. I lost 14lbs in two and a half weeks on ABC. And dude.. explosive diarrhoea if I don't stick to it is a pretty damn good motivation to actually stick to it, haha. (I'd been contemplating buying Alli over the counter, but it's wicked expensive so I'm going to save shittons of cash on it as well, which is definitely good.) Actions have consequences and instead of just not losing weight, any negative actions with food will have more dire consequences, so I'll be more likely to keep to my restricting and cut fat out of my diet.

Semi-related but the reason I went to the doctor to begin with wasn't actually anything to do with weight. I don't particularly want anybody monitoring my weight because I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm getting bitched out by my doctor for losing too much too fast (I'm making huge assumptions about my success and will power here but I have to TRY to stay positive, right?).

I went to find out why the fuck I am so goddamn tired and emotional and a basket case but mostly SO TIRED all the time. I can't sleep, when I do sleep I wake up a billion times, and even if I do manage to get a solid few hours without interruption, I still feel just as exhausted as if I'd never gone to bed in the first place. I went in, doctor ordered blood tests and had me fill in a Depression assessment form. My blood tests are completely normal, including thyroid function which I would not have believed because I have the metabolism of a dead snail, and the depression assessment flagged that I am very likely depressed (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?) but she doesn't think I'm depressed so she's not going to do anything about that. Thanks.

I've had so much fucking stress going on lately, I've actually been feeling like I'm losing my mind. I've been so stressed out and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I've been going to sleep actually praying to the gods I'm not even sure I believe in that I'd just go to sleep and never wake up. The important things in my life are all over the goddamn place right now, spiraling out of control. I haven't even been taking care of myself properly. I went six days last week without showering and washing my hair. I felt disgusting, and the worst part is that I didn't even fucking care. This is SO unlike me. I'm someone who is vain even though I have no reason to be. My hair is my pride and glory. And I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.

So much for trying to be positive.

So much has been going on. Once I know what I'm doing with the blog I'll fill you in. Ugh.