Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Little Battles

I had no idea what to title this, so forgive me.

Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.

Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.

A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.

But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.

The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.

So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.

But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.

So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.

And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.

And people, I refuse to fail. =]

7 comments:

Yum said...

Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war.

Yes indeed.

I too was surprised how easy it becomes. I used to be worried about feeling dizzy and such, but it turned out not to be a problem. Unless there's "surprise meals" where I'm required to eat because someone's watching, I'm always under 800, sometimes by a lot. But as you say, I try not to get too worked up about an "over" day.

I think we're all pessimists at heart - I think it's part of the susceptability. Every once in a while I panic, "I'm failing at even this!!" But I try to beat that feeling back down.

Yum said...

Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war.

Yes indeed.

I too was surprised how easy it becomes. I used to be worried about feeling dizzy and such, but it turned out not to be a problem. Unless there's "surprise meals" where I'm required to eat because someone's watching, I'm always under 800, sometimes by a lot. But as you say, I try not to get too worked up about an "over" day.

I think we're all pessimists at heart - I think it's part of the susceptability. Every once in a while I panic, "I'm failing at even this!!" But I try to beat that feeling back down.

Ana's Girl said...

I've been where you are right now: no struggle, it all seems just too easy. My only problem was that i got all cocky about it and started thinking that i was strong. I put myself in the line of temptation, just to see how invincible i really was. Of course, that led to failure. what did i expect? I'm not superwoman here. Just be careful.

Wow that was pessimistic! Sorry about that. Keep up the good work. I really am happy for you.

Vee said...

You guys are both totally right. It feels easy, but it's still a fight. Maybe not with oneself and the food, but there's always the fight to keep it secret, to rebel against family meals and unpleasant suprises, and the pressure other people put on us to eat..

We're all pessimistic... I guess like you said, it is a common trend in "our kind". And what you said, Yum makes sense to me. We're pessimistic and perfectionists and usually pretty depressed, which is why this lifestyle manages to grasp us so tightly and refuse to let go. I get that too. When I step on the scale and see the number has gone up, I often think to myself "I'm even failing at failing." Which is kind of a backwards way to look at it, I guess, but I can't help it. It sounds so easy on the surface, doesn't it? Stop eating = lose weight. But things are never just that cut and dried.

Ana's Girl I totally understand what you mean. Feeling strong doesn't mean it's good to flaunt it or test yourself too much. I'm very much planning to continue to avoid temptation - it's easy to feel strong when there's nothing there. And I'd rather not put myself in the position where I'm expecting myself to crack, or where there are easy reasons and the availability to do so.

God, I ramble too much haha

Love ya!
Vee xxx

xthinforever said...

A-MEN GIRL.
you refuse to fail! that is the spirit.. maybe naturally you are a pessimist, but you definitely got the drive to keep on going! :) what an insightful post ♥

Dot said...

You shouldn't feel guilty for it being easy. You've worked very hard to get here. There is some kind of battle/struggle going on even if you don't realize it. But it is inside you somewhere and I do think you are very strong ; )

Vee said...

@xthinforever Haha thanks, I'm determined! The pessimism is always there, but I'm damn well going to do my best to try to stay positive ^^

@Dot: Thanks as always for your encouragement. =] It just feels a bit dumb to feel proud over something that hasn't felt like a struggle haha. I give it a week and I'm sure I'll be fighting with myself though.. xx