Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Survey

Stolen from KEMPER - because I need something to do during my lunch hour ^.^

General
Age? 23
Height? 5'5" (ish)
Weight? 206.8 – yeah.
Lowest Weight? ~130
Highest Weight? 215+
What weight do you want to weigh? Right now I’m aiming for 120. I’ll reassess my goals once I’m there, since 120 looks amazing on some, but chubby on others my height/
What eating disorder do you have? EDNOS
In DepthHow many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Right now I’m averaging under 500, which is where I want to stay.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? No. I’ll admit I’ve done it a couple times before and the urge is there, but I fight against it.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? Yes. My mom used to tell me I could be a model, and I used to laugh in her face. Of course when I gained like 80lbs. Bad times.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? No, as I’m not in school. Once I have the money I need to rejoin the gym though and go everyday. Unfortunately, I’m beyond broke right now so need to do what I can at home.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Not directly…
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? The closest I’ve come to a fast day was a 6-calorie day or something. But I don’t count it because there were non-water-coffee-sweetener calories involved.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? No, and although I’m sometimes tempted I won’t – they don’t work and they just REALLY fuck up your insides. Not that starving yourself makes you healthy or anything.. Yes, I’m a hypocrite.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Kind of. I’m inspired to be them.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? No.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? At first I tried to resist it. I recognized the signs in myself. But by then the mentality of it was too deeply entrenched, so I just kind of gave up and gave myself over to it.

Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes, but I AM fat. And it pisses me off when people try to tell me I don’t need to lose weight. At my height and weight my BMI is just in the OBESE category. Do not fucking tell me I’m not fat / don’t need to lose weight.
What part of your body would you change? Honestly, everything. If I had to pick one right now, my legs/thighs.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? Not SOLELY, but it’s a huge part of it, yes.
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? I’ve been depressed since before I was a teenager, before weight was really an issue (at least one that I was conscious of). But appearance and weight definitely impact it and make it worse now.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes.
Health/FoodDo you think you eat healthy enough? I don’t know. Sometimes my eating is bad, sometimes it’s good but probably too restrictive to be “healthy”. I don’t do middle-of-the-road. It’s all or nothing.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? No, I’m not concerned really with the contents of the food I’m eating, just the calories that I’m ingesting.
Fat grams? No.
Calories? Yes. And I feel guilty for eating the smallest of things.
Are you often tired/fatigued? Yes but I don’t think that’s necessarily just ED related, since I’ve had issues with insomnia for the past ten years.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? Not really. Often it makes me more tired, actually.
Do you eat meat? Yes
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Mm.. I tend to cut everything up before I eat it. But I’m not sure if that’s an OCD/ED-related thing, or just part of growing up in Canada where people don’t use knives and forks throughout every meal like they do in the UK. I chop stuff up and then just eat with a fork – my aunt does the same.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Hahah. People tell me I look sick or exhausted when I don’t have any makeup on, that’s about it.
Have you ever thrown up blood? No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? Yes
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? No. Sometimes I feel dizzy or lightheaded but I’ve never actually fainted.

Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? I think it’s a large part of it. Although if there wasn’t media I think people would still agonize over that one girl at work who is super skinny and looks amazing in everything. I think it would still be an issue, just maybe not as huge as it has become today.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? I can’t say I’m against it because I’m an active part of the community. But I also think there’s a difference between Pro-Ana and what’s been popularized as “Wana-rexia” where girls just consciously starve themselves to lose weight. Pro-Ana to me is a community of support and people I can really identify with and who UNDERSTAND where I’m at. But I wouldn’t actively encourage normal people to stop eating for a month to drop that last 10lbs either.
Do you have any other mental disorders? Depression, some anxiety. Major mood swings (maybe bipolar? I dunno). None of it’s been actually diagnosed or treated, but I’m not stupid. I’m just too embarrassed and dumb to go to a doctor for medication.
What's your favorite food to eat? It changes constantly. But I could probably live off Yorkshire puddings, mashed potatoes and gravy. Or fried rice with soya sauce. The problem is, I love it so when I have it, it’s an inevitable binge.
Favorite drink? Sweetened coffee or green tea. Sugar free iced tea. Water with ice cubes. Coke Zero.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? I wish that I had the body that I want and that I didn’t HAVE to develop an ED to get there.
Do you want to recover? No.

2 comments:

Dot said...

You sound a lot like me from this survey! Like with the whole wana-rexia vs pro ana and the insomnia and having depression from way before you were a teenager.....It's so wonderful to find people I can relate to, that' why I love your blog so much!
Oh and I feel exactly the same about feeling like I had to develop an ED to get where I want.

Vee said...

I know, that's a huge part of why I'm here... because here is the only place I've found people I can REALLY relate to. It can be eerie how alike you are to total strangers, hey? =]

But that's exactly it. If I didn't have an ED, I wouldn't be getting anywhere, so what's the point in fighting it, y'know?

xxxxxxxxx

ps: insomnia is fail. I wish I got hyper like you do, instead I'm just a zombie most of the time lol