Thursday, 23 July 2009

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Like the first monkey shot into space.

Quote from Fight Club. I was going to use a different quote to title this post, one about insomnia, but *this* quote speaks to me a lot more. Because it's not just about not being able to sleep and feeling like a fictional zombie all the time - but this is a quote that could be the title of the soundtrack to my life. And I'm betting a lot of you out there see the same.

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.

And it's true. And this is exactly why we do what we do. Because we have to, or we have nothing.

But anyway, I'm getting off topic, as I am so often wont to do. The reason the original quote I wanted to use was about insomnia because oh my god you guys, I have not been this tired in SO GOD DAMN LONG. My eating has still been borderline normal - and it's been hard not to turn into a bingey mess because my aunt has been ordering takeout all week. She's got her surgery date (August 3rd) and is starting her ten-day milk-and-yogurt-diet tomorrow. So today is the last day that there will be any temptation at all in my house. Aside from that which I create for myself. But I'm determined that I'll be able to stick to my guns now. I can't be tempted by the ice cream they're buying, or the pizza they want to order, or the fish and chips they're going to get on the way home from work.

And I am so excited! It's so weird, this giddy feeling inside, knowing that I won't have to come home to my aunt telling me she bought us fatty four-cheese tortellini for dinner and asking me to make it for us with garlic bread. I am so looking forward to the starvation high.

But I am still SO tired. I've has issues with insomnia on and off since I was in my early teens. Lately it hasn't seemed as bad - but the sleep I am getting is of such a low quality that I feel as though I haven't slept at all. The other night, my cat escaped just as I was going to bed, and because I can't sleep with my door open (my aunts noise plus light from the rest of the house keeps me awake), J said she'd let the cat in my room when she came in/before she went to bed. I went to bed just before midnight and I was completely lost to the world when J let the cat in around 1:30. This is so unlike me and when I woke up the next morning an hour before my alarm, I thought - AWESOME. I'd managed to sleep a good six hours straight without interruption, and now I had another hour to doze before I had to get ready for work. But - and this is a huge but - although I'd slept like a rock for six hours, I felt like I hadn't slept in days.

This morning, I feel jet-lagged. I can't think straight. I got to work an hour ago and have done nothing yet because I can't concentrate on anything. And I know there are other big things going on in my life right now (see my previous post), but I don't think that's the cause of this. This is just my fucked up physiology telling me that no, nothing in my life will ever be easy, because I do not deserve easy. So even though I'd finally managed to get a full night's sleep, it had no effect at all. I woke up the other morning feeling worse than when I'd gone to bed.

And then last night I barely slept at all - hence the jet-lagged feeling, I guess. I'm so sick to death of this, but there's nothing I can do. Over the counter sleep aids do nothing to help me sleep. And my doctor took me off prescription sleeping pills because they weren't helping me sleep, but they WERE making me sick and feel hungover. I hate milk, so warm milk is out of the question (I just gagged a little while envisioning a pot of milk on the stove, haha). I don't know. I don't think this post really has much of a purpose other than to whine about being tired and that my aunt's surgery is coming up in a couple weeks yay.

I feel like I really just need some time off work, some time on my own, to just... god, I don't know. Relax, I guess. My job is not generally stressful or anything, I just feel like I could do without HAVING to do anything. Maybe if I have nothing to do or think about, I can figure out who I am again, who I want to be. Random profound statement, right there. I also really need to re-join a gym, except that I can't afford to, so the treadmill in my room will have to suffice for now. Except that my room is now once again crammed with boxes and trash bags full of STUFF that needs to be sorted out (the last bits from the old house were brought over this week and dumped in my room, and I haven't had the energy to do much of anything with it yet), so I have to create room again to pull the treadmill out.

Also, I think I have the only cat in the world who goes outside all evening, comes inside to take a shit in her litter box, and then demands to be let outside again.

Akahsdjahs. I'm all over the place today and I can't make my mind focus on a particular topic, and it's frustrating me. So I'll finish off on this note.

My great-aunt and uncle are coming to my granny's for lunch on Saturday (they're getting fish and chips - in a "show of solidarity" for my aunts who cannot eat any of it, I'll be skipping the lunch) and I think my second-cousin (the one with Down's Syndrome) is staying at my grandmother's house for the weekend. So we're taking him to see the new Harry Potter movie in the afternoon, and at least I'll get to see my great-aunt for the first time since the cancer news broke.

From my reasearch though, her condition sounds like Thalassemia (that might be spelled wrong) - but thalassemia isn't actually cancer, it's a genetic blood disease. So I need to find out what it is that she has this weekend, so I can research properly.

Anyway I need to try to get some work done. All I want to do is curl up under my desk and die. At least then maybe I'd get some decent sleep.

Vee xox

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