Friday, 31 July 2009

Been better, been worse


Met my aunts at the vet after work (they had taken one of their cats for a checkup and, as they were expecting, the vet put her on a diet because she's rather largeish) as it's on my bus route and they were there when I passed. Long story short, decided to have a little Chinese food. Because this week went so well I didn't feel too bad about it, so I got some sweet and sour pork and took off most of the sauce. Didn't overdo it, but... felt really sick afterward. I dunno if it was a psychological reaction or if there was something off with it. But I felt really horrible - except I physically couldn't be sick even though I was ridiculously nauseous at the same time.

So, I decided to have a bath to relax a little (throughout the day I've developed a medium-bad headache and my neck is fucking stiff and hurting too). Wound up dozing off in there, and then dreaming I was going down a big flight of stairs but tripped on the way down and FLAILED. Haha I hate that, when you're asleep and then dream you fall or something and your entire body jolts. I splashed water over the edge of the tub and I'm surprised my aunt didn't start banging on the door asking if I'd drowned myself. So I hurried up to get out of the bath, the nausea wasn't goin away and now I was just tired from the hot water. Got out, wrapped myself and hair in towels, and then went to rinse the tub out to get rid of soap residue and shit.

Leaning over the tub with the shower head in hand I started feeling really faint and horrible and yucky and honestly thought I was going to pass out and bash my head on the counter or something. So I quickly relocated to my room where I downed a tall glass of cold coke zero to try to regulate my temperature a little, and flopped on my bed while I waited for the world to stop spinning. The awkward angle from my wet hair in the towel was making my neck hurt more though so after about 20 minutes I got up to start drying it.

So, I was okay about the slightly higher intake until that. I'm not feeling so bad now thank god, head and neck are still hurting and I feel a bit nauseous but not a huge deal. Now, I'm thinking maybe it was a gut reaction to OMGFOODWHATTHEFUCK, which has made me more determined to watch myself tomorrow night, because I do not want this to happen again, it's not worth it. I dunno if it WAS that though, because I didn't really binge. I dunno, we'll see.

I feel like I should feel guiltier about the pork than I do. I guess I rationalized it by saying this was a really good week, plus it's something I usually goooorge myself on and I didn't so I'm feeling proud about that =]

Tomorrow night... We're not meeting until 7, having drinks and then eating at 7:30 so I've got a whole day to burn off calories. I reorganized my room yesterday afternoon so I think tomorrow I might spend some quality time with my treadmill to get a head start too, so the weekend's damage is even less =]

I did have a rather telling conversation with my aunt tonight though. It was under the pretense of a sarcastic jokey conversation but still. It's clear that my aunt is somehow under the impression that her weight loss surgery is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT to starving yourself.

Her: Are you eating that Chinese food??
Me: Yes, yes I am, a little of it anyway.
Her: Okay but don't come crying to me when J and I are nice and slim and you're jealous of our bodies (and yet people will wonder why I have a complex if they ever found out!)
Me: Pff, I haven't done too bad on my diet, so I don't think so.
Her: Yeah but you'll lose it slower.
Me: Well yeah, but at least I'm losing it. I COULD just stop eating entirely and lose as much as you guys do.
Her: Yes but then that's anorexia and that's not healthy.
Me: Dude it's no different from what you're doing. It's just anorexia with surgery to make it stick.
Her: Yes but I'm doing it with the surgery, with vitamins and B12 shots to keep me healthy
Me: Yeah but to be fair I already take a multivitamin (and my Centrum has a hell of a lot more nutrients than her pussy chewable one)
Her: That's not the point though, anorexia weakens your heart and blah blah blah and puts you at risk of a heart attack. If you just stopped eating I'd have you sectioned for being stupid.

Yeah. So she can have elective surgery so starve her body skinny, but if she ever found out I had an eating disorder she would immediately shove me in a psych ward or something. Thanks. This just reinforces why you can never fucking tell anyone. She should be the ONE PERSON who gets it, but she's as closedminded as the rest.

So of course I laughed it off and said how I'd much rather lose weight the safe and right way, thanksverymuch. Sigh.

I dunno, that conversation really annoyed me. It's so fucking hypocritical. To be honest, I knew it and expected it, but while we were having the conversation my mind kept going WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

I don't think she's got any idea though, I was pretending to have a stab at her for being "enforced anorexic" and then we got into a conversation about the surgery and stuff, but I can't really remember the rest of it because I was fuming and thinking, dude, I can't wait to go blog about this.

I'm gonna go take some painkillers and lie down a bit now. My stomach has mostly settled down as I've written this, but my head and neck are killlling!

Have a great one folks!

ps: no calories for today. I do know difinitively that I had 70 calories while at work, but I have no idea how much would have been in the chunks of pork I ate tonight so I'm not even going to hazard a guess. I'll just burn extra tomorrow to compensate. =]


Dot said...

Hey beautiful, thanks so much for the nice, lovely and long comment on my blog. I'm such a whore for long comments ; )
You really helped put things in perspective for me though. You're right, it is about the bigger battles. One binge won't undo everything, even though I feel like it has : (
You can do a lot of cute decorating on a budget. Like you could make your own curtains by buying some pretty fabric and using safety pins, or you could just drape it around so make it look exotic. Thrift stores are always great for furniture of course. And making your own giant pillows out of pretty fabric is easy too! You can sew on fancy beads or get some huge bad of costume jewelry from and use the beads to decorate the pillows, curtains ect. And I love chinese lanterns. I don't know about Canada, but there's lots of asian markets and you can get them for really cheap. I hope this helps a bit! ; )
Stay strong lovely <3

Hanz said...

The same faint thing happened to me yesterday! I ate cookies (badbadbad) to try and get rid of the headache before I went to work, got to work and almost fainted. Gah bodies suck.
Yeah, don't tell your aunt. Even though sometimes you really just want someone to understand and get it, generally no one will. It just means you'll be watched like a hawk.

Vee said...

Dot: I replied on your blog this time cuz I wanted to make sure you saw it, and wasn't sure if people realized I reply back in my own comments instead of spamming theirs up haha.

Hanz: I know, it sucks doesn't it? I mean, on the one hand it means I'll be more wary about what food I DO eat, and might help me stick to restricting, but on the other hand, it was just awful. If the same thing happens tonight I will not be happy, though!

Yeah, it's not worth telling someone just to wind up fucking myself over. At least I have you guys to talk to about it =]