Monday, 20 July 2009

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming

So. Bad things have been going on.

Work is mostly okay, it’s just been busy.
My grandfather read the title sticker on one of my Amazon purchases and apparently went on a tirade to my aunt demanding to know why I’m buying books about eating disorders (I’ve had to try to lay low for a while until this blows over. Honestly though, I’m a fucking whale, how could anybody look at me and honestly think I have an ED?)
J has been moody as all hell and I have no idea what her problem is.
My aunt’s mood has been up and down but she has her surgery date now (August 3rd) so hopefully she’ll be able to chill a little.
My own mood is trying to inch closer and closer to rock bottom.
My grandmother’s sister (my favourite great-aunt) has cancer. It is the opposite of Leukaemia, but I can’t remember the name. Something to do with her body not producing white blood cells, I think. Chances are good that she will be dead this time next year. I’ll write a separate post about this later.
Shit keeps going down back in Canada. My mom called this weekend in tears because shit had hit the fan again. Long story short, my brother threw a tantrum over something dumb, his father got into a fight with him (a physical fight, not a screaming-match fight), my brother isn’t living at home, and now his ex-girlfriend has told my mom she’s not allowed to see my nephew. So my mom is taking this to mean she is a bad mother and is upset because she is VERY sensitive on this point. And it makes my heart ache that I can’t say “You’re not a bad mother” and really, truly mean it.
I bought a juicer so I could do my first juice-fast, all natural, and the fucking thing does not work. Now I have a SHITTON of fruit in my kitchen threatening to go bad, so I think I’m on a three-day fruit diet. By shitton of fruit I mean eight apples, six pears, a punnet of strawberries, two punnetts of cherries, a bag of grapes, seven bananas and a quarter of a watermelon.

Mostly it’s been little stresses, but some of the bombs are huge (read: cancer). But it’s been burying me, and I’ve had to take some time to myself. To be honest, I haven’t had the motivation to come and write here. Even though I need the outlet, all I’ve been wanting to do is curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep every night.

Except I can’t even cry.

And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I CAN NOT make myself restrict. I keep going into a binge mode. It’s not that I’m eating a huge amount, I’m eating “normally” or sub-normal even. But my head goes into that state of mind where you physically can’t stop. It’s like you’re outside watching your body on auto pilot and there’s nothing you can do about it. Stress and depression are making me crazy right now, and my inability to get control over my eating and drop some fucking weight is making it so much worse. I haven’t been eating enough to gain, but I’ve been unable to lose for weeks and I’m still a fucking monster. But I’m not giving up the fight and until I manage to get my eating completely under control.

All this is to say, I’m sorry I’ve been gone again. But I’m back. And I’m really going to need your support and motivation to get my head working right again. Right now I don’t even know who I am.

1 comment:

Dot said...

I'm so glad you're back! I really missed reading your blog, but I'm really sad that you've been going through such a tough time :' ( I'm so sorry about your great aunt. Cancer is so scary. And it sounds like you've just had so much stress and family drama. If I were you I'd feel like I was drowning. I know I'd wouldn't be able to concentrate and restrict either. But I think going on a fruit diet is a wonderful idea! And I think the weight you'll lose from it will give you the boost you need to get back on track for good. Please feel better. I know you can do this. I can tell you're a strong person. You will get through it.
Stay strong darling <3