Little Battles

I had no idea what to title this, so forgive me.

Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.

Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.

A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.

But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.

The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.

So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.

But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.

So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.

And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.

And people, I refuse to fail. =]