One of my friends just posted this on facebook and I nearly wet myself laughing so hard. ENJOY!
Friday 31 July 2009
Hilarity
One of my friends just posted this on facebook and I nearly wet myself laughing so hard. ENJOY!
Been better, been worse
So!
Met my aunts at the vet after work (they had taken one of their cats for a checkup and, as they were expecting, the vet put her on a diet because she's rather largeish) as it's on my bus route and they were there when I passed. Long story short, decided to have a little Chinese food. Because this week went so well I didn't feel too bad about it, so I got some sweet and sour pork and took off most of the sauce. Didn't overdo it, but... felt really sick afterward. I dunno if it was a psychological reaction or if there was something off with it. But I felt really horrible - except I physically couldn't be sick even though I was ridiculously nauseous at the same time.
So, I decided to have a bath to relax a little (throughout the day I've developed a medium-bad headache and my neck is fucking stiff and hurting too). Wound up dozing off in there, and then dreaming I was going down a big flight of stairs but tripped on the way down and FLAILED. Haha I hate that, when you're asleep and then dream you fall or something and your entire body jolts. I splashed water over the edge of the tub and I'm surprised my aunt didn't start banging on the door asking if I'd drowned myself. So I hurried up to get out of the bath, the nausea wasn't goin away and now I was just tired from the hot water. Got out, wrapped myself and hair in towels, and then went to rinse the tub out to get rid of soap residue and shit.
Leaning over the tub with the shower head in hand I started feeling really faint and horrible and yucky and honestly thought I was going to pass out and bash my head on the counter or something. So I quickly relocated to my room where I downed a tall glass of cold coke zero to try to regulate my temperature a little, and flopped on my bed while I waited for the world to stop spinning. The awkward angle from my wet hair in the towel was making my neck hurt more though so after about 20 minutes I got up to start drying it.
So, I was okay about the slightly higher intake until that. I'm not feeling so bad now thank god, head and neck are still hurting and I feel a bit nauseous but not a huge deal. Now, I'm thinking maybe it was a gut reaction to OMGFOODWHATTHEFUCK, which has made me more determined to watch myself tomorrow night, because I do not want this to happen again, it's not worth it. I dunno if it WAS that though, because I didn't really binge. I dunno, we'll see.
I feel like I should feel guiltier about the pork than I do. I guess I rationalized it by saying this was a really good week, plus it's something I usually goooorge myself on and I didn't so I'm feeling proud about that =]
Tomorrow night... We're not meeting until 7, having drinks and then eating at 7:30 so I've got a whole day to burn off calories. I reorganized my room yesterday afternoon so I think tomorrow I might spend some quality time with my treadmill to get a head start too, so the weekend's damage is even less =]
I did have a rather telling conversation with my aunt tonight though. It was under the pretense of a sarcastic jokey conversation but still. It's clear that my aunt is somehow under the impression that her weight loss surgery is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT to starving yourself.
Her: Are you eating that Chinese food??
Me: Yes, yes I am, a little of it anyway.
Her: Okay but don't come crying to me when J and I are nice and slim and you're jealous of our bodies (and yet people will wonder why I have a complex if they ever found out!)
Me: Pff, I haven't done too bad on my diet, so I don't think so.
Her: Yeah but you'll lose it slower.
Me: Well yeah, but at least I'm losing it. I COULD just stop eating entirely and lose as much as you guys do.
Her: Yes but then that's anorexia and that's not healthy.
Me: Dude it's no different from what you're doing. It's just anorexia with surgery to make it stick.
Her: Yes but I'm doing it with the surgery, with vitamins and B12 shots to keep me healthy
Me: Yeah but to be fair I already take a multivitamin (and my Centrum has a hell of a lot more nutrients than her pussy chewable one)
Her: That's not the point though, anorexia weakens your heart and blah blah blah and puts you at risk of a heart attack. If you just stopped eating I'd have you sectioned for being stupid.
Yeah. So she can have elective surgery so starve her body skinny, but if she ever found out I had an eating disorder she would immediately shove me in a psych ward or something. Thanks. This just reinforces why you can never fucking tell anyone. She should be the ONE PERSON who gets it, but she's as closedminded as the rest.
So of course I laughed it off and said how I'd much rather lose weight the safe and right way, thanksverymuch. Sigh.
I dunno, that conversation really annoyed me. It's so fucking hypocritical. To be honest, I knew it and expected it, but while we were having the conversation my mind kept going WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?
I don't think she's got any idea though, I was pretending to have a stab at her for being "enforced anorexic" and then we got into a conversation about the surgery and stuff, but I can't really remember the rest of it because I was fuming and thinking, dude, I can't wait to go blog about this.
I'm gonna go take some painkillers and lie down a bit now. My stomach has mostly settled down as I've written this, but my head and neck are killlling!
Have a great one folks!
ps: no calories for today. I do know difinitively that I had 70 calories while at work, but I have no idea how much would have been in the chunks of pork I ate tonight so I'm not even going to hazard a guess. I'll just burn extra tomorrow to compensate. =]
Met my aunts at the vet after work (they had taken one of their cats for a checkup and, as they were expecting, the vet put her on a diet because she's rather largeish) as it's on my bus route and they were there when I passed. Long story short, decided to have a little Chinese food. Because this week went so well I didn't feel too bad about it, so I got some sweet and sour pork and took off most of the sauce. Didn't overdo it, but... felt really sick afterward. I dunno if it was a psychological reaction or if there was something off with it. But I felt really horrible - except I physically couldn't be sick even though I was ridiculously nauseous at the same time.
So, I decided to have a bath to relax a little (throughout the day I've developed a medium-bad headache and my neck is fucking stiff and hurting too). Wound up dozing off in there, and then dreaming I was going down a big flight of stairs but tripped on the way down and FLAILED. Haha I hate that, when you're asleep and then dream you fall or something and your entire body jolts. I splashed water over the edge of the tub and I'm surprised my aunt didn't start banging on the door asking if I'd drowned myself. So I hurried up to get out of the bath, the nausea wasn't goin away and now I was just tired from the hot water. Got out, wrapped myself and hair in towels, and then went to rinse the tub out to get rid of soap residue and shit.
Leaning over the tub with the shower head in hand I started feeling really faint and horrible and yucky and honestly thought I was going to pass out and bash my head on the counter or something. So I quickly relocated to my room where I downed a tall glass of cold coke zero to try to regulate my temperature a little, and flopped on my bed while I waited for the world to stop spinning. The awkward angle from my wet hair in the towel was making my neck hurt more though so after about 20 minutes I got up to start drying it.
So, I was okay about the slightly higher intake until that. I'm not feeling so bad now thank god, head and neck are still hurting and I feel a bit nauseous but not a huge deal. Now, I'm thinking maybe it was a gut reaction to OMGFOODWHATTHEFUCK, which has made me more determined to watch myself tomorrow night, because I do not want this to happen again, it's not worth it. I dunno if it WAS that though, because I didn't really binge. I dunno, we'll see.
I feel like I should feel guiltier about the pork than I do. I guess I rationalized it by saying this was a really good week, plus it's something I usually goooorge myself on and I didn't so I'm feeling proud about that =]
Tomorrow night... We're not meeting until 7, having drinks and then eating at 7:30 so I've got a whole day to burn off calories. I reorganized my room yesterday afternoon so I think tomorrow I might spend some quality time with my treadmill to get a head start too, so the weekend's damage is even less =]
I did have a rather telling conversation with my aunt tonight though. It was under the pretense of a sarcastic jokey conversation but still. It's clear that my aunt is somehow under the impression that her weight loss surgery is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT to starving yourself.
Her: Are you eating that Chinese food??
Me: Yes, yes I am, a little of it anyway.
Her: Okay but don't come crying to me when J and I are nice and slim and you're jealous of our bodies (and yet people will wonder why I have a complex if they ever found out!)
Me: Pff, I haven't done too bad on my diet, so I don't think so.
Her: Yeah but you'll lose it slower.
Me: Well yeah, but at least I'm losing it. I COULD just stop eating entirely and lose as much as you guys do.
Her: Yes but then that's anorexia and that's not healthy.
Me: Dude it's no different from what you're doing. It's just anorexia with surgery to make it stick.
Her: Yes but I'm doing it with the surgery, with vitamins and B12 shots to keep me healthy
Me: Yeah but to be fair I already take a multivitamin (and my Centrum has a hell of a lot more nutrients than her pussy chewable one)
Her: That's not the point though, anorexia weakens your heart and blah blah blah and puts you at risk of a heart attack. If you just stopped eating I'd have you sectioned for being stupid.
Yeah. So she can have elective surgery so starve her body skinny, but if she ever found out I had an eating disorder she would immediately shove me in a psych ward or something. Thanks. This just reinforces why you can never fucking tell anyone. She should be the ONE PERSON who gets it, but she's as closedminded as the rest.
So of course I laughed it off and said how I'd much rather lose weight the safe and right way, thanksverymuch. Sigh.
I dunno, that conversation really annoyed me. It's so fucking hypocritical. To be honest, I knew it and expected it, but while we were having the conversation my mind kept going WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?
I don't think she's got any idea though, I was pretending to have a stab at her for being "enforced anorexic" and then we got into a conversation about the surgery and stuff, but I can't really remember the rest of it because I was fuming and thinking, dude, I can't wait to go blog about this.
I'm gonna go take some painkillers and lie down a bit now. My stomach has mostly settled down as I've written this, but my head and neck are killlling!
Have a great one folks!
ps: no calories for today. I do know difinitively that I had 70 calories while at work, but I have no idea how much would have been in the chunks of pork I ate tonight so I'm not even going to hazard a guess. I'll just burn extra tomorrow to compensate. =]
Christmas in July?
Kind of.
At work today one of the supervisor-consultant dudes (who is a wicked egomaniac sometimes and very competitive, by the way) brought up the topic of our Christmas party. Rather than having a party at the office or whatever, it's up to each team to organize what they want to do, and usually the company will give each team a budget of £5-10 per head towards it.
Well, Consultant dude (for the sake of continuity we'll call him C1) has decided he wants to do what another team are doing and book our team in at this hall... It's formal with jazz music and carriage rides and stuff. But the food sounds terrible (not to mention there are 2 vegetarians in my team and no vegetarian dinner options), it's £35 a head... and, to put it lightly, nobody in my team is the "formal" type. I can dress up and act polite and ladylike if I want to, or have to, but I'd rather go somewhere where we're comfortable and I won't get glared at for swearing or bursting into hysterical laughter at an unintentional double entendre (which I am very apt to do). But mostly that these aren't people that are capable of being civilized for longer than 5 minutes. Hell, our last team-do was semi-formal and one of the guys spent the night pretending to take photos of everyone, when really he was taking close-up shots of everyone's cleavage. Which was hella fun, but I can see C1 being a stick in the mud and expecting us to keep it toned down.
On top of all of that, I'm not even here on the date it would be on (December 11th) as I'm in Cancun for two and a half weeks from the 7th of December. So, I said my opinion is that if we plan it before then, I'm in, if not, I don't really care where they book since I won't be involved.
So, he's sent the information sheet around the team asking for other suggestions, as this fancy party went down like a lead balloon. So, everyone wrote a ton of suggestion on it (I just added that I don't particularly mind when it's booked, as if it happens when I'm not here, my input is kind of void anyway, and asked them to try to get it before I go away) and passed it back to him. And he just whined about how all of the suggestions were crap and if he doesn't get to go to the place he wants he'll "be very pissed off."
While we were talking about it earlier, he got his panties in such a twist, it was hilarious. He was like "so what, if we just do a generic team meal out or something, everyone will fuck off at 6 and that's the end of that" and was in a proper huff. I get where he's coming with - he wants a proper Christmas party, and that would rock - but it was hilarious and he was so over the top with it.
So yeah, nothing is resolved at all right now haha. But it's given us some amusement. I think he's going to go on the other team's Christmas party anyway, just so he can go where he wants to without us lol.
At work today one of the supervisor-consultant dudes (who is a wicked egomaniac sometimes and very competitive, by the way) brought up the topic of our Christmas party. Rather than having a party at the office or whatever, it's up to each team to organize what they want to do, and usually the company will give each team a budget of £5-10 per head towards it.
Well, Consultant dude (for the sake of continuity we'll call him C1) has decided he wants to do what another team are doing and book our team in at this hall... It's formal with jazz music and carriage rides and stuff. But the food sounds terrible (not to mention there are 2 vegetarians in my team and no vegetarian dinner options), it's £35 a head... and, to put it lightly, nobody in my team is the "formal" type. I can dress up and act polite and ladylike if I want to, or have to, but I'd rather go somewhere where we're comfortable and I won't get glared at for swearing or bursting into hysterical laughter at an unintentional double entendre (which I am very apt to do). But mostly that these aren't people that are capable of being civilized for longer than 5 minutes. Hell, our last team-do was semi-formal and one of the guys spent the night pretending to take photos of everyone, when really he was taking close-up shots of everyone's cleavage. Which was hella fun, but I can see C1 being a stick in the mud and expecting us to keep it toned down.
On top of all of that, I'm not even here on the date it would be on (December 11th) as I'm in Cancun for two and a half weeks from the 7th of December. So, I said my opinion is that if we plan it before then, I'm in, if not, I don't really care where they book since I won't be involved.
So, he's sent the information sheet around the team asking for other suggestions, as this fancy party went down like a lead balloon. So, everyone wrote a ton of suggestion on it (I just added that I don't particularly mind when it's booked, as if it happens when I'm not here, my input is kind of void anyway, and asked them to try to get it before I go away) and passed it back to him. And he just whined about how all of the suggestions were crap and if he doesn't get to go to the place he wants he'll "be very pissed off."
While we were talking about it earlier, he got his panties in such a twist, it was hilarious. He was like "so what, if we just do a generic team meal out or something, everyone will fuck off at 6 and that's the end of that" and was in a proper huff. I get where he's coming with - he wants a proper Christmas party, and that would rock - but it was hilarious and he was so over the top with it.
So yeah, nothing is resolved at all right now haha. But it's given us some amusement. I think he's going to go on the other team's Christmas party anyway, just so he can go where he wants to without us lol.
Whoo!
Still in a great mood but tiiired now. Luckily I can leave work in an hour <3
So hungry today too. I haven't been tempted to eat, but the empty, hollow rumbling in my stomach is an amazing feeling. It lets me know my efforts are successful, so yay!
Also, I'm finally starting to get that shaky feeling... Like I'm not actually trembling but my core feels a little shaky and unsteady. Maybe it's dumb that I like that feeling, but I do because once again, it's a signal to me that what I'm doing is working. My body is devouring itself. Consuming its fat reserves.
So, feeling like this makes me feel a little closer to success, which makes me feel more positive, which makes me happier.
Happy Friday everyone! =]
Vee xox
So hungry today too. I haven't been tempted to eat, but the empty, hollow rumbling in my stomach is an amazing feeling. It lets me know my efforts are successful, so yay!
Also, I'm finally starting to get that shaky feeling... Like I'm not actually trembling but my core feels a little shaky and unsteady. Maybe it's dumb that I like that feeling, but I do because once again, it's a signal to me that what I'm doing is working. My body is devouring itself. Consuming its fat reserves.
So, feeling like this makes me feel a little closer to success, which makes me feel more positive, which makes me happier.
Happy Friday everyone! =]
Vee xox
After some research...
I looked into it, and it sounds like I couldn't go to Japan to teach English even if I wanted to - a university degree is required for a Working Visa. And even where an employer will sponsor you for a Visa, in most cases THEY require a Bachelor degree too. Bleghghghgh. Oh well, I dunno what I'm getting my panties in a twist over, it's not like I'd up and leave now anyway.
Although I do long to one day live there...
Completely Fucking Random
Sometimes I think my brain dies when I go to sleep and in its oxygen-deprived state these visions happen. Otherwise known as "dreams".
Last night I had two random dreams. I can't remember the exact specifics of them, but they were weird.
The first one was that I was living in Tokyo and staying with a friend. This friend of mine in the dream is a J-pop/Japanese Variety show idol that I adore, but whom I obviously don't actually KNOW. I mean, I think she's adorable and cool and if I were a guy I would have a huge crush on her but mostly I just want to hug her. Anyway, in this dream I was living with her at her apartment and were just doing stuff around town together. And we were talking about what kind of presents we'd need to buy eachother and I was all, I already know what you like (since I read the English translation of her blog, which is also why I adore her, she's so REAL and self-conscious and insecure, instead of a fake plastic celebrity. Hell she doesn't even see herself as a celebrity. But I'm digressing). So I listed off some stuff and she started at me with shock asking how I knew, and I said dude, I read your blog. And she was like, but you don't speak Japanese what? And I said about the English translations on the fansite of the company she used to work for... And she burst into tears over the fact that she had so many western fans. Then I must have been coming home because I was heading to the airport (which was right behind her apartment building, even though I hadn't heard ANY NOISE AT ALL while living there). Then I woke up.
I long to go to Japan. If I knew I could make it, I would consider going there to teach English...
Anyway. The second dream was totally random. I dreamed I was getting married and I was... somewhere with my granny rushing to finish getting ready because I was running late. No idea who the shit I was marrying since there are ZERO prospects on the horizon. I don't even KNOW any single straight men. My dress was some weird pink for some reason. And my grandmother kept bitching at me to do stuff, and that I was going to be late for my wedding, and I remember mumbling "this isn't MY wedding, it's YOUR wedding for me." Then I was doing my makeup, but left the eyeshadows I wanted somewhere else, so we went next door. And... the chick whose house it was... I think it was meant to be my aunt's friend who owns a salon, because she was a hairdresser, but the actual person living there was a character I'd created years ago for a story, and she looked exactly like Eliza Dushku. What the fuck is this about? Then I started putting eyeshadow on, and then panicked because I COULD NOT FIND MY PRIMER POTION OR PAINT POTS FOR A BASE OH NO.
At this point I woke up and went what the FUCK?
Last night I had two random dreams. I can't remember the exact specifics of them, but they were weird.
The first one was that I was living in Tokyo and staying with a friend. This friend of mine in the dream is a J-pop/Japanese Variety show idol that I adore, but whom I obviously don't actually KNOW. I mean, I think she's adorable and cool and if I were a guy I would have a huge crush on her but mostly I just want to hug her. Anyway, in this dream I was living with her at her apartment and were just doing stuff around town together. And we were talking about what kind of presents we'd need to buy eachother and I was all, I already know what you like (since I read the English translation of her blog, which is also why I adore her, she's so REAL and self-conscious and insecure, instead of a fake plastic celebrity. Hell she doesn't even see herself as a celebrity. But I'm digressing). So I listed off some stuff and she started at me with shock asking how I knew, and I said dude, I read your blog. And she was like, but you don't speak Japanese what? And I said about the English translations on the fansite of the company she used to work for... And she burst into tears over the fact that she had so many western fans. Then I must have been coming home because I was heading to the airport (which was right behind her apartment building, even though I hadn't heard ANY NOISE AT ALL while living there). Then I woke up.
I long to go to Japan. If I knew I could make it, I would consider going there to teach English...
Anyway. The second dream was totally random. I dreamed I was getting married and I was... somewhere with my granny rushing to finish getting ready because I was running late. No idea who the shit I was marrying since there are ZERO prospects on the horizon. I don't even KNOW any single straight men. My dress was some weird pink for some reason. And my grandmother kept bitching at me to do stuff, and that I was going to be late for my wedding, and I remember mumbling "this isn't MY wedding, it's YOUR wedding for me." Then I was doing my makeup, but left the eyeshadows I wanted somewhere else, so we went next door. And... the chick whose house it was... I think it was meant to be my aunt's friend who owns a salon, because she was a hairdresser, but the actual person living there was a character I'd created years ago for a story, and she looked exactly like Eliza Dushku. What the fuck is this about? Then I started putting eyeshadow on, and then panicked because I COULD NOT FIND MY PRIMER POTION OR PAINT POTS FOR A BASE OH NO.
At this point I woke up and went what the FUCK?
Yay!
God you guys, considering how shittily this week started (what with the complete lack of sleep and the headachiness), it's turned out to be a fabulous week. I'm in such a good mood today! Not least of all because I'm down another 0.6 this morning - total loss this week now is 4.6lbs!
I didn't count the grapes this morning but it's probably around 20 (approx 60cals), since there weren't all that many left. A 10-calorie soup for lunch, and then we'll see when I get home. If I don't go to the store, it'll be a frozen meal. If I do, I'll pick up some more soups and have one of them to prep for tomorrow night's calories.
So happy todayyy =]
Hope everyone else has a great one too <3
I didn't count the grapes this morning but it's probably around 20 (approx 60cals), since there weren't all that many left. A 10-calorie soup for lunch, and then we'll see when I get home. If I don't go to the store, it'll be a frozen meal. If I do, I'll pick up some more soups and have one of them to prep for tomorrow night's calories.
So happy todayyy =]
Hope everyone else has a great one too <3
Thursday 30 July 2009
Edits
Also, I think my main table is a bit too narrow so I'm going to go edit the HTML in my layout to make it wider. So bear with me if things look a little funky for a little while!
Edit: that's better!
Keep in mind both my laptop and desktop monitors are a high resolution widescreen, so if you have issues viewing, let me know please! xx
Edit: that's better!
Keep in mind both my laptop and desktop monitors are a high resolution widescreen, so if you have issues viewing, let me know please! xx
Slight change of plan
So, I got home from work and went to get a 10-calorie soup for dinner, only to realize I don't have any left. I have one or two in my desk at work but none at home >.< Soo I had the next best thing out of what I had at home.. 220 calorie frozen shepherd's pie. Which tastes amazing, I might add, and for 220 calories I could probably live on nothing but one of them a day and be happy...
But anyway. That pushed the daily total up to 310. It's no 100 but it's still damn good I think. Tomorrow at work I'm just having grapes again.. I think if I leave them any longer they'll go yucky, and I won't be having them Saturday since ALL I'm having Saturday is the Indian food and whatever alcohol at night. I want to fast on Sunday but since we're all at home it's going to be hard to do it without my aunts noticing. HOPEfully I'll be able to get to the store tomorrow to stock up on some more 10-calorie soups. If not, I've got some oxo chicken stock cubes that are like 12 calories each so I can make a cup of "soup" and pass that off at something. Although my aunt's been known to tell me soup is not enough (even though she herself often just has a 100-calorie cup of soup for dinner anyway? The hypocrisy kills me sometimes)
Still, I'm down 4lbs from the beginning of the week, so I can't REALLY complain =] I'm anticipating another half-pound drop tomorrow and if I can drop another half by Saturday morning that means I'll be down the 5lbs I'd been aiming for. Which is definitely good. Saturday night will probably do some damage but I'm staying positive in my ability to stay strong and not overindulge in the calories. And keep reminding myself that any damage inflicted will easily be erased again next week. =] Luckily, S and L both know I'm trying to save my cash for my trips right now so I'll be able to get out of any other outings other than just wandering around the mall or window shopping in town for the rest of the month. Then I'm off to Canada for two weeks.
It's the trip to Canada that I'm a little concerned about. My mom is already planning to make all of my favourite foods, plus there is poutine there and some amazing ice cream place my best friend V wants to take me to. Everything in moderation, Vee.
Luckily, one of my friends, we'll call her N since that's what her name starts with (I think I'm going to have to put up a legend on my sidebar or something to keep these all straight), that I've recently reconnected with after being out of touch for ten years... I'll be doing a lot of shopping with her, and she's VERY weight conscious. So, it won't look odd when we go shopping and decide to go to lunch and I decide I just want a small salad. And I might be able to hit the gym with her, if you just pay to get in instead of having to have a monthly membership.
See, when we were kids, she was pretty huge. I knew her basically all through elementary school. She was taller than the rest of the kids, but she was also pretty overweight. People used to make fun of her and there were rumours going around the school when we were only 10 years old that she was a member of Jenny Craig. Really shitty, cruel stuff. But we were friends.
Then apparently she busted her ass getting in shape because when I stumbled across her facebook page last year, I honest to God didn't recognize her. I was staring at the thumbnail picture and the "you have 17 friends in common" and thinking "was that N's last name? Oh my god, that is so not the same person!" Instead of the trainwreck she was when we were kids, she looks like a Bollywood star now. She wears designer clothes and looks amaaazing. Plus she's so pretty!
That's what I want. People to look at me in a few months' time and go "...wow is that the same person? YOU LOOK AMAZING" you know? It won't be this time obviously but I'm supposed to go to Canada again next September and that is what I'm aiming for. Shock and surprise and awe.
Anyway. N isn't disordered, unless you consider the fact that she's addicted to food. She had to bust her ass at a gym doing cardio every day for the fat to slowly melt off. She said she's really struggled with her weight, at one point she gained it all back and had to start over, and she fluctuates by about 20lbs at any given time. But she looks amazing. And I am ridiculously jealous.
But anyway, I'm completely off topic, haha. I wish I had her dedication to the gym. Hopefully when I get back from Canada I'll have enough spare money to re-join the gym by work so I can stop by every day for an hour or two before heading home. Just need to get my finances sorted out so I can do it (my gym costs £50 a month haha)
Anyway, today turned out to be a pretty good day even though my plans were changed slightly. Tomorrow is Friday so it's automatically a great day. And while I'm not looking forward to the calories involved on Saturday, I'm very much looking forward to seeing S and L. We get together every week or two, and we didn't see eachother last weekend so it feels like FOREVERRR.
Anyway. Hope you guys are all having a good day. Stay strong!
Vee xox
But anyway. That pushed the daily total up to 310. It's no 100 but it's still damn good I think. Tomorrow at work I'm just having grapes again.. I think if I leave them any longer they'll go yucky, and I won't be having them Saturday since ALL I'm having Saturday is the Indian food and whatever alcohol at night. I want to fast on Sunday but since we're all at home it's going to be hard to do it without my aunts noticing. HOPEfully I'll be able to get to the store tomorrow to stock up on some more 10-calorie soups. If not, I've got some oxo chicken stock cubes that are like 12 calories each so I can make a cup of "soup" and pass that off at something. Although my aunt's been known to tell me soup is not enough (even though she herself often just has a 100-calorie cup of soup for dinner anyway? The hypocrisy kills me sometimes)
Still, I'm down 4lbs from the beginning of the week, so I can't REALLY complain =] I'm anticipating another half-pound drop tomorrow and if I can drop another half by Saturday morning that means I'll be down the 5lbs I'd been aiming for. Which is definitely good. Saturday night will probably do some damage but I'm staying positive in my ability to stay strong and not overindulge in the calories. And keep reminding myself that any damage inflicted will easily be erased again next week. =] Luckily, S and L both know I'm trying to save my cash for my trips right now so I'll be able to get out of any other outings other than just wandering around the mall or window shopping in town for the rest of the month. Then I'm off to Canada for two weeks.
It's the trip to Canada that I'm a little concerned about. My mom is already planning to make all of my favourite foods, plus there is poutine there and some amazing ice cream place my best friend V wants to take me to. Everything in moderation, Vee.
Luckily, one of my friends, we'll call her N since that's what her name starts with (I think I'm going to have to put up a legend on my sidebar or something to keep these all straight), that I've recently reconnected with after being out of touch for ten years... I'll be doing a lot of shopping with her, and she's VERY weight conscious. So, it won't look odd when we go shopping and decide to go to lunch and I decide I just want a small salad. And I might be able to hit the gym with her, if you just pay to get in instead of having to have a monthly membership.
See, when we were kids, she was pretty huge. I knew her basically all through elementary school. She was taller than the rest of the kids, but she was also pretty overweight. People used to make fun of her and there were rumours going around the school when we were only 10 years old that she was a member of Jenny Craig. Really shitty, cruel stuff. But we were friends.
Then apparently she busted her ass getting in shape because when I stumbled across her facebook page last year, I honest to God didn't recognize her. I was staring at the thumbnail picture and the "you have 17 friends in common" and thinking "was that N's last name? Oh my god, that is so not the same person!" Instead of the trainwreck she was when we were kids, she looks like a Bollywood star now. She wears designer clothes and looks amaaazing. Plus she's so pretty!
That's what I want. People to look at me in a few months' time and go "...wow is that the same person? YOU LOOK AMAZING" you know? It won't be this time obviously but I'm supposed to go to Canada again next September and that is what I'm aiming for. Shock and surprise and awe.
Anyway. N isn't disordered, unless you consider the fact that she's addicted to food. She had to bust her ass at a gym doing cardio every day for the fat to slowly melt off. She said she's really struggled with her weight, at one point she gained it all back and had to start over, and she fluctuates by about 20lbs at any given time. But she looks amazing. And I am ridiculously jealous.
But anyway, I'm completely off topic, haha. I wish I had her dedication to the gym. Hopefully when I get back from Canada I'll have enough spare money to re-join the gym by work so I can stop by every day for an hour or two before heading home. Just need to get my finances sorted out so I can do it (my gym costs £50 a month haha)
Anyway, today turned out to be a pretty good day even though my plans were changed slightly. Tomorrow is Friday so it's automatically a great day. And while I'm not looking forward to the calories involved on Saturday, I'm very much looking forward to seeing S and L. We get together every week or two, and we didn't see eachother last weekend so it feels like FOREVERRR.
Anyway. Hope you guys are all having a good day. Stay strong!
Vee xox
Saturday Plans
Oh yeah, I knew I had something else to post about.
I got an email from S about our weekend plans and she and her boyfriend, L, were discussing it last night. AND they decided we should make a night of it. So we're going out to eat and then going clubbing and drinking and stuff.
The upside is lots of dancing and good times. And dancing = calories burned.
The downside is sugar shots and yummy cocktails and jaeger bombs that are FULL OF CALORIES.
I'm going to have to try to stick to like vodka and diet coke to keep my cals down or something.
I got an email from S about our weekend plans and she and her boyfriend, L, were discussing it last night. AND they decided we should make a night of it. So we're going out to eat and then going clubbing and drinking and stuff.
The upside is lots of dancing and good times. And dancing = calories burned.
The downside is sugar shots and yummy cocktails and jaeger bombs that are FULL OF CALORIES.
I'm going to have to try to stick to like vodka and diet coke to keep my cals down or something.
Girl Confessions - another survey
Because I can't think of anything else to blog about right now. Stolen from MATILDA This was a total waste of time but at least now I'm 20 minutes closer to going home.
1. Do you sleep in your bra?
No
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
If my feet are cold! Usually if it’s super cold I fill up my hot water bottle though
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
It depends on whether that someone else is a bed hog or snores loudly. Generally, someone else though. Although I haven’t snuggled up in bed in SO LONG
4. Do you enjoy drama?
I’ve had way too much of it, I don’t want anymore.
5. Are you a girly girl?
I can be. I’m a stranger hybrid.
6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My cousin R, who has Downs Syndrome and gives the sloppppiest kisses on the cheek ever!
7. Small or large purses?
I want to say small but the one I have now is huge and full of junk. Me needs to downsize!
8. Are you short?
I’m on the shorter side of average I guess, around 5’5.
9. Do you like somebody?
Nope
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Nope!
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Yes! Ew, crusty dirty sockses?
12. Do you think you’re conceited?
Definitely not. Sometimes I can come off as a narcissist but the truth is I’m wicked insecure.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I want to. Last time I did was probably… like three years ago when we hit up the local gaybar/drag joint. And even then it was kinda halfassed.
14. Are you double jointed?
No
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Nowhere weird really. Bed, couch, car, airplane… I once fell asleep in Math class in highschool for about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t count.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
No.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Not that I know of *shiftyeyes*
18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Just old teachers, even though I graduated 5 years ago. When I asked some old teachers for a reference when I applied for university, it was weird. In fact, I added my old physics teacher to facebook and he wrote to say hi and when I wrote him back it was so weird to not write Mr Lastname. So I just didn’t address him by name haha.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions?
I’d like to hope that the few guys who do read my blog aren’t that lame. They’ll read it because I’m FASCINATING of course.
[x] i do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[xx] I think Johnny Depp is sexy
[x] I love to laugh.
[x [some] ] I like death/grind/black metal
[ ] I like rap.
[ ] like techno
[ ] like country
[x] I carry a purse.
[x] i'd be lost without my computer.
[x] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own a Britney Spears CD. READ BELOW
[x] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[x] Think guys are confusing
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is the bra your wearing?
Black with green and other coloured things on it.
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Not sure. Dark hair looks nice with like bright blue or green eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve even had a crush that I’m not sure.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Not A boy, just every boy. Or more accurately, with myself.
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Make me laugh and really mean it.
5. Do you have a best friend?
I have a couple.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah, there was that whole incident when the man I’d lived with for a year and a half left me for another woman who he married a year later.
7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Constantly. I think when I lose weight I might have a boob job (not implants, they’re big enough, but a lift or something)
8. Do you like your life?
Not usually. Sometimes.
10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy from you?
I wasn’t friends with her, so no.
11. Have you ever jumped into a pool with your clothes on?
Nope
12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
I tend to get along better with guys, but I think it’s probably a pretty equal split, being that I don’t have any many friends. I get along with chicks who are similar to me.
13. How long have you had a Facebook?
About.. 3 years?
14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
I punched a guy in the face once at school and made his nose bleed. I think I was 12. He started crying so I made a big fuss of how it was an accident and I was just stretching. Haha.
15. What are your biggest fears?
Spiders, being alone, “big things under deep water”
16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More than I’d like to admit.
17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yeah. It didn’t help that he continued to sleep with me for 3 months after we split up and pretended like we were still best friends.
18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yep. I knew my ex had cheated on his wife but convinced myself it was different because he didn’t really LOVE her. But, in the end he proved my original beliefs correct.
19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yeah
20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
I used to. Sometimes. Kind of.
21. Are you currently missing someone?
Not really.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE
Cowboy or Gangster?
Gangster
Preppy or Punk/Goth?
Punk!
Face or Body?
Face… because it’s a shame when a guy has a hot bod but looks like the ass-end of an elephant in the face. Yeah, I’m shallow. But I couldn’t go with anyone OMGHUGGGEEEWHUT either.
Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good cook.
Sweet or Sexy?
I gotta go with both. I love sweetness, but sexiness is important too…
Armani or Abercrombie?
No preference =P
Contacts or Glasses?
Either, it depends on how his glasses look on him. Sometimes, glasses can be sexy!
01. Eyeliner or Mascara?
Both. If I had to have only one though, I’d have to say mascara since I have BLONDE eyelashes. But my eyes look weird without eyeliner.
02. Louis vuitton or dooney & bourke
I’ve never heard of Dooney & Bourke so I’ll say LV since I like bags.
03. American eagle or Hollister?
Dude I’ve never been in an American Eagle OR a Hollister
04. Pumps or flats?
Both, don’t make me choose!
05. Skirts or pants?
I wish I had the legs for skirts. I LONG for skirts. But as it is, pants.
06. Socks or leggings?
Socks
07. Hoodies or jackets?
I love hoodies, but if it’s too cold I need a nice jacket. Which reminds me, I need to find a cute bomber jacket when I go to Canada
08. Heels or sneakers?
Booth. I love heels but I have a major soft spot for skatershoes.
10. Hoop or dangling earrings?
Danglies mostly.. aahh I like both
11.Do you think your pretty, honestly?
I’m a huge fucking whale, but I think I’m okay looking (in the face department)
12.Boots or Flip Flops?
=/ Heeled boots in autumn and winter. Flip flops when its hot. Although since this is England, Flip-Flops are a gamble even in August. For example, it’s the end of July and RAINED ALL DAY.
13. White or black?
As in like clothes and stuff? Black
14. Victoria’s secret or bath and body works?
Neither of those stores exist in my country. But I’ll say VS since I need a decent bra.
15. Smoothies or lattes?
Frappucinno?
16. Diet or regular sodas?
Diet!
17. Water or daiquiris?
hmm.. Daiquiris. I love me some cocktails, even if they’re calorific =/
18. Pearls or diamonds?
Diamonds baby
19. Lemonade or iced tea?
Iced Tea
20. Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen?
Hmm. I personally think Ashley is prettier… maybe it’s just the blonde hair… But MK is the ED-Goddess so I dunno.
21. Will you get drunk when you celebrate your birthday of this question number?
”your birthday of this question number?” That’s lame. I’m already 23, but no, I didn’t get drunk on my 21st. I was still with my ex, who was a non-practicing Muslim who decided he was going to stop drinking alcohol after we’d been together for 5 months.
22. iPod or cell phone?
Oh god. I can’t choose! I HAVE to have music, but I’d be lost without texting and being able to read blogs on my phone =[
23. Friends or family?
I dunno. My family situation is pretty fucked up most of the time, but I love my aunt to death so just for her I’ll say Family. But they’re both important.
24. Lip gloss or lip stick?
Glosssss. I like both together, but in a rush I’ll throw on some gloss and I’m good to go.
25. Manicure or pedicures?
Mani.. I’m a bit weirded out by the idea of letting strangers touch my feet.
26. Would you rather shop with one best friend or go bowling with lots of friends?
I don’t have “lots of friends” so my 2-3 times monthly shopping trips with S are rockin.
27. Tank tops or beaters?
I’m not entirely sure what the difference is.
28. Tiffany’s or Chanel?
I want both. I own nothing from either but I want a Chanel bag, and the gorgeous silver-and-red-laquer bracelet from Tiffany
29. love or peace?
Love
30. Sunglasses or purses?
Purses… I physically can’t live without one…
IN A GUY...
Funny or Serious?
Both. He needs a great sense of humor, but has to be able to take things seriously when he needs to.
Romantic or Daredevil?
Hmm.. I lean toward romantic
Dark Eyes or Light Eyes?
It depends on the guy ^.^
Long Hair or Short Hair?
Medium / shaggy
Curly Hair or Straight Hair?
Again, depends on the guy
Clean-cut or Rough?
I dunno. I’m not big on facial hair but sometimes a little stubble is sex
Basketball Player or Football Player?
Hm. I dunno, I don’t have a preference.
Smoker or Non-smoker?
NOONNNN
Drunk or Sober?
Sober. Alcohol is alright sometimes but when it gets into alcoholism and dependency I can’t deal with it. I grew up with too much of the alcoholic around me, I don’t need it now.
Druggie or Clean?
CLEAN
Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car?
Well. I like motorcycles (I have a super hot jacket and helmet for when I ride on my aunt’s!) but he needs a car too. It doesn’t need to be sporty though.
Player or Loyal?
LOYAL!
Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
I can’t remember doing it, no, but it sounds like the kind of think I’d do haha
Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Somehow I doubt it since he’s gay. And we’ve been best friends since we were 6, so it’d be fucked up to do that. Also, I’m not interested in him that way anyway.
If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, would you do it?
Hmm. I’m against drugs, but I think it depends on how I’m feeling at the time. Sometimes I don’t give two shits whether I live to see another day or not.
If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
I want to say yes (dude they’re my favourite movies!) but it depends on the situation. I mentally put myself in the victims’ places sometimes and there is NO WAY IN HELL. I could do what Amanda did though, cut a key out of some dude’s intestine.
When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with friends?
I haven’t been in a photo booth in YEARRRSS. But S and her boy L and I took a load of pics of ourselves when we went out on the town a month or two ago.
On average what do you think you cry about the most?
Everything. Seriously. I cry because I’m depressed about my love life or my family or just my life in general. And I also cry because I’m a fat fucking cow.
Who was the last guy you talked to?
One of the dudes I work with.
Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Not really. Although you can make new ones. That sounds contradictory but I dunno how to explain it really. My best friend V and I are still tight, but she still lives in Canada. Now I’m also best buddies with S, but it doesn’t mean that she’s “replaced” V.
Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
I’m going to assume that the last person I held hands with was the boyfriend I had after the Ex Who Left Me For That Bitch, since there hasn’t been any romance at all since then. And OH MY GOD FUCK NO! EEEWW
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Yeah, I helped my ex pay off his debt and then tadaaah, he left me. Also probably my mom since she had me when she was 17, haha
What friends do you tell the most?
You guys.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Probably my aunt…
Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
At work?
Are you going anywhere next summer?
I think we’re planning to go to Canada next September (and S and L might be coming with, that would ROCK)
Are you waiting for anyone's call or text right now?
Waiting to see if K texts me back (K is an ED-buddy)
Are you shy?
Sometimes
Are you talkative?
Yeah, if I’m not in my shy-mode
Do you secretly like someone?
Nope
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, although often people can tell if something’s wrong. Or they accuse me of being a bitch or shout “What’s wrong with you!?” when I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m hopelessly depressed and trying not to cry. Thanks for the support.
How is life going for you right now?
My work life is okay. My home life is average. But overall not fabulous.
Do you trust people easily?
Ahahah. No
Do you give out second chances easily?
No.
Do you smile a lot?
I smile all the time, even though inside I’m often upset. Even when I’m not feeling great or have a headache, I find myself smiling and joking around at work. It’s funny, a friend of mine said to me via Facebook recently that I’m always so happy, even though while I was in high school with him I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I guess I give off the happy vibe because I’m a joker and laugh a lot.
One thing you're looking forward to.
Having time off work, coming BACK from Canada, seeing my friends and mom/bro/sis in Canada, going to Cancun this December, LOSING WEIGHT!
How do you feel about change?
My life is constantly changing, but I deal.
Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes
Are you happy?
Right now I’m completely apathetic and indifferent.
Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself?
It depends, most of the time recently I prefer to be left alone. And then I want to cancel plans I have with people (like shopping with S). But then once I make myself go out there, I enjoy myself.
*** Re: the Britney Spears CD. This is a lame story, but here goes. I’ve never been into Britney (although her more recent stuff isn’t too bad). But for my 16th birthday my mom bought me the Oops, I Did It Again single. Yeah. I don’t actually have it anymore, but I thought it was a funny story.
1. Do you sleep in your bra?
No
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
If my feet are cold! Usually if it’s super cold I fill up my hot water bottle though
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
It depends on whether that someone else is a bed hog or snores loudly. Generally, someone else though. Although I haven’t snuggled up in bed in SO LONG
4. Do you enjoy drama?
I’ve had way too much of it, I don’t want anymore.
5. Are you a girly girl?
I can be. I’m a stranger hybrid.
6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My cousin R, who has Downs Syndrome and gives the sloppppiest kisses on the cheek ever!
7. Small or large purses?
I want to say small but the one I have now is huge and full of junk. Me needs to downsize!
8. Are you short?
I’m on the shorter side of average I guess, around 5’5.
9. Do you like somebody?
Nope
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Nope!
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Yes! Ew, crusty dirty sockses?
12. Do you think you’re conceited?
Definitely not. Sometimes I can come off as a narcissist but the truth is I’m wicked insecure.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I want to. Last time I did was probably… like three years ago when we hit up the local gaybar/drag joint. And even then it was kinda halfassed.
14. Are you double jointed?
No
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Nowhere weird really. Bed, couch, car, airplane… I once fell asleep in Math class in highschool for about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t count.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
No.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Not that I know of *shiftyeyes*
18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Just old teachers, even though I graduated 5 years ago. When I asked some old teachers for a reference when I applied for university, it was weird. In fact, I added my old physics teacher to facebook and he wrote to say hi and when I wrote him back it was so weird to not write Mr Lastname. So I just didn’t address him by name haha.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions?
I’d like to hope that the few guys who do read my blog aren’t that lame. They’ll read it because I’m FASCINATING of course.
[x] i do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[xx] I think Johnny Depp is sexy
[x] I love to laugh.
[x [some] ] I like death/grind/black metal
[ ] I like rap.
[ ] like techno
[ ] like country
[x] I carry a purse.
[x] i'd be lost without my computer.
[x] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own a Britney Spears CD. READ BELOW
[x] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[x] Think guys are confusing
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is the bra your wearing?
Black with green and other coloured things on it.
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Not sure. Dark hair looks nice with like bright blue or green eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve even had a crush that I’m not sure.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Not A boy, just every boy. Or more accurately, with myself.
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Make me laugh and really mean it.
5. Do you have a best friend?
I have a couple.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah, there was that whole incident when the man I’d lived with for a year and a half left me for another woman who he married a year later.
7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Constantly. I think when I lose weight I might have a boob job (not implants, they’re big enough, but a lift or something)
8. Do you like your life?
Not usually. Sometimes.
10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy from you?
I wasn’t friends with her, so no.
11. Have you ever jumped into a pool with your clothes on?
Nope
12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
I tend to get along better with guys, but I think it’s probably a pretty equal split, being that I don’t have any many friends. I get along with chicks who are similar to me.
13. How long have you had a Facebook?
About.. 3 years?
14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
I punched a guy in the face once at school and made his nose bleed. I think I was 12. He started crying so I made a big fuss of how it was an accident and I was just stretching. Haha.
15. What are your biggest fears?
Spiders, being alone, “big things under deep water”
16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More than I’d like to admit.
17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yeah. It didn’t help that he continued to sleep with me for 3 months after we split up and pretended like we were still best friends.
18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yep. I knew my ex had cheated on his wife but convinced myself it was different because he didn’t really LOVE her. But, in the end he proved my original beliefs correct.
19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yeah
20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
I used to. Sometimes. Kind of.
21. Are you currently missing someone?
Not really.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE
Cowboy or Gangster?
Gangster
Preppy or Punk/Goth?
Punk!
Face or Body?
Face… because it’s a shame when a guy has a hot bod but looks like the ass-end of an elephant in the face. Yeah, I’m shallow. But I couldn’t go with anyone OMGHUGGGEEEWHUT either.
Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good cook.
Sweet or Sexy?
I gotta go with both. I love sweetness, but sexiness is important too…
Armani or Abercrombie?
No preference =P
Contacts or Glasses?
Either, it depends on how his glasses look on him. Sometimes, glasses can be sexy!
01. Eyeliner or Mascara?
Both. If I had to have only one though, I’d have to say mascara since I have BLONDE eyelashes. But my eyes look weird without eyeliner.
02. Louis vuitton or dooney & bourke
I’ve never heard of Dooney & Bourke so I’ll say LV since I like bags.
03. American eagle or Hollister?
Dude I’ve never been in an American Eagle OR a Hollister
04. Pumps or flats?
Both, don’t make me choose!
05. Skirts or pants?
I wish I had the legs for skirts. I LONG for skirts. But as it is, pants.
06. Socks or leggings?
Socks
07. Hoodies or jackets?
I love hoodies, but if it’s too cold I need a nice jacket. Which reminds me, I need to find a cute bomber jacket when I go to Canada
08. Heels or sneakers?
Booth. I love heels but I have a major soft spot for skatershoes.
10. Hoop or dangling earrings?
Danglies mostly.. aahh I like both
11.Do you think your pretty, honestly?
I’m a huge fucking whale, but I think I’m okay looking (in the face department)
12.Boots or Flip Flops?
=/ Heeled boots in autumn and winter. Flip flops when its hot. Although since this is England, Flip-Flops are a gamble even in August. For example, it’s the end of July and RAINED ALL DAY.
13. White or black?
As in like clothes and stuff? Black
14. Victoria’s secret or bath and body works?
Neither of those stores exist in my country. But I’ll say VS since I need a decent bra.
15. Smoothies or lattes?
Frappucinno?
16. Diet or regular sodas?
Diet!
17. Water or daiquiris?
hmm.. Daiquiris. I love me some cocktails, even if they’re calorific =/
18. Pearls or diamonds?
Diamonds baby
19. Lemonade or iced tea?
Iced Tea
20. Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen?
Hmm. I personally think Ashley is prettier… maybe it’s just the blonde hair… But MK is the ED-Goddess so I dunno.
21. Will you get drunk when you celebrate your birthday of this question number?
”your birthday of this question number?” That’s lame. I’m already 23, but no, I didn’t get drunk on my 21st. I was still with my ex, who was a non-practicing Muslim who decided he was going to stop drinking alcohol after we’d been together for 5 months.
22. iPod or cell phone?
Oh god. I can’t choose! I HAVE to have music, but I’d be lost without texting and being able to read blogs on my phone =[
23. Friends or family?
I dunno. My family situation is pretty fucked up most of the time, but I love my aunt to death so just for her I’ll say Family. But they’re both important.
24. Lip gloss or lip stick?
Glosssss. I like both together, but in a rush I’ll throw on some gloss and I’m good to go.
25. Manicure or pedicures?
Mani.. I’m a bit weirded out by the idea of letting strangers touch my feet.
26. Would you rather shop with one best friend or go bowling with lots of friends?
I don’t have “lots of friends” so my 2-3 times monthly shopping trips with S are rockin.
27. Tank tops or beaters?
I’m not entirely sure what the difference is.
28. Tiffany’s or Chanel?
I want both. I own nothing from either but I want a Chanel bag, and the gorgeous silver-and-red-laquer bracelet from Tiffany
29. love or peace?
Love
30. Sunglasses or purses?
Purses… I physically can’t live without one…
IN A GUY...
Funny or Serious?
Both. He needs a great sense of humor, but has to be able to take things seriously when he needs to.
Romantic or Daredevil?
Hmm.. I lean toward romantic
Dark Eyes or Light Eyes?
It depends on the guy ^.^
Long Hair or Short Hair?
Medium / shaggy
Curly Hair or Straight Hair?
Again, depends on the guy
Clean-cut or Rough?
I dunno. I’m not big on facial hair but sometimes a little stubble is sex
Basketball Player or Football Player?
Hm. I dunno, I don’t have a preference.
Smoker or Non-smoker?
NOONNNN
Drunk or Sober?
Sober. Alcohol is alright sometimes but when it gets into alcoholism and dependency I can’t deal with it. I grew up with too much of the alcoholic around me, I don’t need it now.
Druggie or Clean?
CLEAN
Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car?
Well. I like motorcycles (I have a super hot jacket and helmet for when I ride on my aunt’s!) but he needs a car too. It doesn’t need to be sporty though.
Player or Loyal?
LOYAL!
Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
I can’t remember doing it, no, but it sounds like the kind of think I’d do haha
Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Somehow I doubt it since he’s gay. And we’ve been best friends since we were 6, so it’d be fucked up to do that. Also, I’m not interested in him that way anyway.
If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, would you do it?
Hmm. I’m against drugs, but I think it depends on how I’m feeling at the time. Sometimes I don’t give two shits whether I live to see another day or not.
If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
I want to say yes (dude they’re my favourite movies!) but it depends on the situation. I mentally put myself in the victims’ places sometimes and there is NO WAY IN HELL. I could do what Amanda did though, cut a key out of some dude’s intestine.
When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with friends?
I haven’t been in a photo booth in YEARRRSS. But S and her boy L and I took a load of pics of ourselves when we went out on the town a month or two ago.
On average what do you think you cry about the most?
Everything. Seriously. I cry because I’m depressed about my love life or my family or just my life in general. And I also cry because I’m a fat fucking cow.
Who was the last guy you talked to?
One of the dudes I work with.
Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Not really. Although you can make new ones. That sounds contradictory but I dunno how to explain it really. My best friend V and I are still tight, but she still lives in Canada. Now I’m also best buddies with S, but it doesn’t mean that she’s “replaced” V.
Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
I’m going to assume that the last person I held hands with was the boyfriend I had after the Ex Who Left Me For That Bitch, since there hasn’t been any romance at all since then. And OH MY GOD FUCK NO! EEEWW
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Yeah, I helped my ex pay off his debt and then tadaaah, he left me. Also probably my mom since she had me when she was 17, haha
What friends do you tell the most?
You guys.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Probably my aunt…
Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
At work?
Are you going anywhere next summer?
I think we’re planning to go to Canada next September (and S and L might be coming with, that would ROCK)
Are you waiting for anyone's call or text right now?
Waiting to see if K texts me back (K is an ED-buddy)
Are you shy?
Sometimes
Are you talkative?
Yeah, if I’m not in my shy-mode
Do you secretly like someone?
Nope
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, although often people can tell if something’s wrong. Or they accuse me of being a bitch or shout “What’s wrong with you!?” when I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m hopelessly depressed and trying not to cry. Thanks for the support.
How is life going for you right now?
My work life is okay. My home life is average. But overall not fabulous.
Do you trust people easily?
Ahahah. No
Do you give out second chances easily?
No.
Do you smile a lot?
I smile all the time, even though inside I’m often upset. Even when I’m not feeling great or have a headache, I find myself smiling and joking around at work. It’s funny, a friend of mine said to me via Facebook recently that I’m always so happy, even though while I was in high school with him I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I guess I give off the happy vibe because I’m a joker and laugh a lot.
One thing you're looking forward to.
Having time off work, coming BACK from Canada, seeing my friends and mom/bro/sis in Canada, going to Cancun this December, LOSING WEIGHT!
How do you feel about change?
My life is constantly changing, but I deal.
Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes
Are you happy?
Right now I’m completely apathetic and indifferent.
Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself?
It depends, most of the time recently I prefer to be left alone. And then I want to cancel plans I have with people (like shopping with S). But then once I make myself go out there, I enjoy myself.
*** Re: the Britney Spears CD. This is a lame story, but here goes. I’ve never been into Britney (although her more recent stuff isn’t too bad). But for my 16th birthday my mom bought me the Oops, I Did It Again single. Yeah. I don’t actually have it anymore, but I thought it was a funny story.
Bleh
Suckage!
Just been told by one of the dudes I work with that mid-to-late August I'll be moving to another desk. He's not supposed to be telling anyone - my manager told him because I think he's going to be training one of the new folks - but he told me and a couple others anyway haha. We've got three new temps coming in to work for us so we're moving the team around so they can slot in next to the people that are training and mentoring them. The good news is that my manager took this opportunity to finally move me into the window seat I needed and haven't had since we moved up the wing. The bad news is that my back is now to my "superiors" (or whatever you want to call them) so I'll have to watch my ass so I don't get in trouble for blogging and being on the internet all the time ^.^
The other downside is that I'll be sitting diagonally across from The Super Creepy Creeptastically Creep (with computers between us at least so I should be able to ignore him). Shudder. He's just so... weird. And old, and flirts with and hits on younger attractive chicks. I made cupcakes to bring into work several months ago and after that he was constantly talking to me and trying to joke with me. But dude, I am not interested. He's weird and creepy in a perv kind of way (In fact, about seven years ago or so he got put on a disciplinary and demoted because a chick he was working with realized she'd forgotten something at her desk after leaving for the day, and when she came back he was on his knees sniffing her computer chair. I shit you not.
Ew.
So yeah, not looking forward to that. But I can be sneaky, I'm sure. I've gotten away with it in every other team I'm in. I think since my output is so high and my work is of such good quality, I probably wouldn't get in trouble anyway. It would just call attention to the fact that I can do a full day's work and spend 3 hours on the internet, wheras everyone else is supposedly doing their job to the best of their abilities, but only doing half as much work as I am.
Can open. Worms everywhere.
I don't mean to sound vain or stuck up, but it's the truth. Either everyone else is just ridiculously slow and bad at their job, or they slack even worse than I do.
But anyway, that's not happening for a few weeks, and it should be mostly ok. Time will tell!
Just been told by one of the dudes I work with that mid-to-late August I'll be moving to another desk. He's not supposed to be telling anyone - my manager told him because I think he's going to be training one of the new folks - but he told me and a couple others anyway haha. We've got three new temps coming in to work for us so we're moving the team around so they can slot in next to the people that are training and mentoring them. The good news is that my manager took this opportunity to finally move me into the window seat I needed and haven't had since we moved up the wing. The bad news is that my back is now to my "superiors" (or whatever you want to call them) so I'll have to watch my ass so I don't get in trouble for blogging and being on the internet all the time ^.^
The other downside is that I'll be sitting diagonally across from The Super Creepy Creeptastically Creep (with computers between us at least so I should be able to ignore him). Shudder. He's just so... weird. And old, and flirts with and hits on younger attractive chicks. I made cupcakes to bring into work several months ago and after that he was constantly talking to me and trying to joke with me. But dude, I am not interested. He's weird and creepy in a perv kind of way (In fact, about seven years ago or so he got put on a disciplinary and demoted because a chick he was working with realized she'd forgotten something at her desk after leaving for the day, and when she came back he was on his knees sniffing her computer chair. I shit you not.
Ew.
So yeah, not looking forward to that. But I can be sneaky, I'm sure. I've gotten away with it in every other team I'm in. I think since my output is so high and my work is of such good quality, I probably wouldn't get in trouble anyway. It would just call attention to the fact that I can do a full day's work and spend 3 hours on the internet, wheras everyone else is supposedly doing their job to the best of their abilities, but only doing half as much work as I am.
Can open. Worms everywhere.
I don't mean to sound vain or stuck up, but it's the truth. Either everyone else is just ridiculously slow and bad at their job, or they slack even worse than I do.
But anyway, that's not happening for a few weeks, and it should be mostly ok. Time will tell!
I was wrong!
Haha so the current weight I posted yesterday was wrong. I put down 107.8 instead of 106.8. So the latter is where I really was. Obviously yesterday is a long day, if I didn't even know where I was.
Today is still down, not a huge amount, but still another 0.4, so nearly half a pound. Total loss so far is 4lbs, so I'm definitely on target to be down 5lbs total by Sunday =]
Thanks for all your comments last night, it was great coming online and seeing SEVEN new comments waiting for me. Love you all! I'll get replying back today, once I've got enough work done to take another break.
So, plan for today:
Breakfast
30 grapes (90calories)
Lunch
Skip
Dinner
10-cal soup (10 calories)
Daily total: 100
Bring it on!
Today is still down, not a huge amount, but still another 0.4, so nearly half a pound. Total loss so far is 4lbs, so I'm definitely on target to be down 5lbs total by Sunday =]
Thanks for all your comments last night, it was great coming online and seeing SEVEN new comments waiting for me. Love you all! I'll get replying back today, once I've got enough work done to take another break.
So, plan for today:
Breakfast
30 grapes (90calories)
Lunch
Skip
Dinner
10-cal soup (10 calories)
Daily total: 100
Bring it on!
Wednesday 29 July 2009
Goodnight my darlings!
... I hate Blogger. And my laptop.
My fagging laptop's touch-pad deal has some kind of pressure-sensitivity so if you tap it it'll click on a link instead of having to use the actual buttons. But when I went to post this entry, it registered a tap when I moved my cursor down to the button and another click when I clicked on it... so Blogger errored and said I tried to edit it twice at the same time. Hit BACK to try to repost and HEY THE WHOLE POST I JUST TYPED IS GONE.
Fuck my life.
Anyway.
I'm heading off to bed. It's not even 10:30 yet but I'm tired, and bored, and I can't think of anything to do that doesn't require energy or concentration. So I'm going to try to sleep.
Except that my room is super frigging hot right now (due to having the heating on as it's cold outside, plus my blow-drier and flatiron - I need to go back to doing my hair in front of my computer in the office so I don't make my room super hot...) so it's going to be harder than ever to fall asleep. Sigh. Oh well.
I know most of my followers are in a different time zone, so I'll wish you all a good rest of the day wherever you are, and I'll talk to you all tomorrow.
Muchlove, and keep strong!
Vee xox
My fagging laptop's touch-pad deal has some kind of pressure-sensitivity so if you tap it it'll click on a link instead of having to use the actual buttons. But when I went to post this entry, it registered a tap when I moved my cursor down to the button and another click when I clicked on it... so Blogger errored and said I tried to edit it twice at the same time. Hit BACK to try to repost and HEY THE WHOLE POST I JUST TYPED IS GONE.
Fuck my life.
Anyway.
I'm heading off to bed. It's not even 10:30 yet but I'm tired, and bored, and I can't think of anything to do that doesn't require energy or concentration. So I'm going to try to sleep.
Except that my room is super frigging hot right now (due to having the heating on as it's cold outside, plus my blow-drier and flatiron - I need to go back to doing my hair in front of my computer in the office so I don't make my room super hot...) so it's going to be harder than ever to fall asleep. Sigh. Oh well.
I know most of my followers are in a different time zone, so I'll wish you all a good rest of the day wherever you are, and I'll talk to you all tomorrow.
Muchlove, and keep strong!
Vee xox
Roundup
So. Starting weight this morning: 207.8 - yep, that's really where I'm at right now, and it's shit =/ But at least the number is dropping!
Calore intake was as originally outlined, but I also had a handful of little pretzels, so I'm going to tack on an estimate of say 70 calories? Not too bad.
So total for the day comes to.. 453. Which is higher than yesterday but still perfectly acceptable =]
I still can't believe how well this week has gone so far - the shitty sleeping issues aside of course. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up.
Tomorrow I'm aiming for more of the same... but I might go the extra mile and just have a 10 calorie soup for dinner instead. I'm aiming to keep my intake under 100 tomorrow with 2 ten calorie soups and a handful of grapes at work. Wish me luck!
Calore intake was as originally outlined, but I also had a handful of little pretzels, so I'm going to tack on an estimate of say 70 calories? Not too bad.
So total for the day comes to.. 453. Which is higher than yesterday but still perfectly acceptable =]
I still can't believe how well this week has gone so far - the shitty sleeping issues aside of course. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up.
Tomorrow I'm aiming for more of the same... but I might go the extra mile and just have a 10 calorie soup for dinner instead. I'm aiming to keep my intake under 100 tomorrow with 2 ten calorie soups and a handful of grapes at work. Wish me luck!
Little Battles
I had no idea what to title this, so forgive me.
Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.
Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.
A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.
But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.
The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.
But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.
So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.
And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.
And people, I refuse to fail. =]
Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.
Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.
A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.
But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.
The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.
But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.
So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.
And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.
And people, I refuse to fail. =]
Survey
Stolen from KEMPER - because I need something to do during my lunch hour ^.^
General
Age? 23
Height? 5'5" (ish)
Weight? 206.8 – yeah.
Lowest Weight? ~130
Highest Weight? 215+
What weight do you want to weigh? Right now I’m aiming for 120. I’ll reassess my goals once I’m there, since 120 looks amazing on some, but chubby on others my height/
What eating disorder do you have? EDNOS
In DepthHow many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Right now I’m averaging under 500, which is where I want to stay.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? No. I’ll admit I’ve done it a couple times before and the urge is there, but I fight against it.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? Yes. My mom used to tell me I could be a model, and I used to laugh in her face. Of course when I gained like 80lbs. Bad times.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? No, as I’m not in school. Once I have the money I need to rejoin the gym though and go everyday. Unfortunately, I’m beyond broke right now so need to do what I can at home.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Not directly…
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? The closest I’ve come to a fast day was a 6-calorie day or something. But I don’t count it because there were non-water-coffee-sweetener calories involved.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? No, and although I’m sometimes tempted I won’t – they don’t work and they just REALLY fuck up your insides. Not that starving yourself makes you healthy or anything.. Yes, I’m a hypocrite.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Kind of. I’m inspired to be them.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? No.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? At first I tried to resist it. I recognized the signs in myself. But by then the mentality of it was too deeply entrenched, so I just kind of gave up and gave myself over to it.
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes, but I AM fat. And it pisses me off when people try to tell me I don’t need to lose weight. At my height and weight my BMI is just in the OBESE category. Do not fucking tell me I’m not fat / don’t need to lose weight.
What part of your body would you change? Honestly, everything. If I had to pick one right now, my legs/thighs.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? Not SOLELY, but it’s a huge part of it, yes.
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? I’ve been depressed since before I was a teenager, before weight was really an issue (at least one that I was conscious of). But appearance and weight definitely impact it and make it worse now.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes.
Health/FoodDo you think you eat healthy enough? I don’t know. Sometimes my eating is bad, sometimes it’s good but probably too restrictive to be “healthy”. I don’t do middle-of-the-road. It’s all or nothing.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? No, I’m not concerned really with the contents of the food I’m eating, just the calories that I’m ingesting.
Fat grams? No.
Calories? Yes. And I feel guilty for eating the smallest of things.
Are you often tired/fatigued? Yes but I don’t think that’s necessarily just ED related, since I’ve had issues with insomnia for the past ten years.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? Not really. Often it makes me more tired, actually.
Do you eat meat? Yes
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Mm.. I tend to cut everything up before I eat it. But I’m not sure if that’s an OCD/ED-related thing, or just part of growing up in Canada where people don’t use knives and forks throughout every meal like they do in the UK. I chop stuff up and then just eat with a fork – my aunt does the same.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Hahah. People tell me I look sick or exhausted when I don’t have any makeup on, that’s about it.
Have you ever thrown up blood? No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? Yes
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? No. Sometimes I feel dizzy or lightheaded but I’ve never actually fainted.
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? I think it’s a large part of it. Although if there wasn’t media I think people would still agonize over that one girl at work who is super skinny and looks amazing in everything. I think it would still be an issue, just maybe not as huge as it has become today.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? I can’t say I’m against it because I’m an active part of the community. But I also think there’s a difference between Pro-Ana and what’s been popularized as “Wana-rexia” where girls just consciously starve themselves to lose weight. Pro-Ana to me is a community of support and people I can really identify with and who UNDERSTAND where I’m at. But I wouldn’t actively encourage normal people to stop eating for a month to drop that last 10lbs either.
Do you have any other mental disorders? Depression, some anxiety. Major mood swings (maybe bipolar? I dunno). None of it’s been actually diagnosed or treated, but I’m not stupid. I’m just too embarrassed and dumb to go to a doctor for medication.
What's your favorite food to eat? It changes constantly. But I could probably live off Yorkshire puddings, mashed potatoes and gravy. Or fried rice with soya sauce. The problem is, I love it so when I have it, it’s an inevitable binge.
Favorite drink? Sweetened coffee or green tea. Sugar free iced tea. Water with ice cubes. Coke Zero.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? I wish that I had the body that I want and that I didn’t HAVE to develop an ED to get there.
Do you want to recover? No.
General
Age? 23
Height? 5'5" (ish)
Weight? 206.8 – yeah.
Lowest Weight? ~130
Highest Weight? 215+
What weight do you want to weigh? Right now I’m aiming for 120. I’ll reassess my goals once I’m there, since 120 looks amazing on some, but chubby on others my height/
What eating disorder do you have? EDNOS
In DepthHow many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Right now I’m averaging under 500, which is where I want to stay.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? No. I’ll admit I’ve done it a couple times before and the urge is there, but I fight against it.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? Yes. My mom used to tell me I could be a model, and I used to laugh in her face. Of course when I gained like 80lbs. Bad times.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? No, as I’m not in school. Once I have the money I need to rejoin the gym though and go everyday. Unfortunately, I’m beyond broke right now so need to do what I can at home.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Not directly…
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? The closest I’ve come to a fast day was a 6-calorie day or something. But I don’t count it because there were non-water-coffee-sweetener calories involved.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? No, and although I’m sometimes tempted I won’t – they don’t work and they just REALLY fuck up your insides. Not that starving yourself makes you healthy or anything.. Yes, I’m a hypocrite.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Kind of. I’m inspired to be them.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? No.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? At first I tried to resist it. I recognized the signs in myself. But by then the mentality of it was too deeply entrenched, so I just kind of gave up and gave myself over to it.
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes, but I AM fat. And it pisses me off when people try to tell me I don’t need to lose weight. At my height and weight my BMI is just in the OBESE category. Do not fucking tell me I’m not fat / don’t need to lose weight.
What part of your body would you change? Honestly, everything. If I had to pick one right now, my legs/thighs.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? Not SOLELY, but it’s a huge part of it, yes.
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? I’ve been depressed since before I was a teenager, before weight was really an issue (at least one that I was conscious of). But appearance and weight definitely impact it and make it worse now.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes.
Health/FoodDo you think you eat healthy enough? I don’t know. Sometimes my eating is bad, sometimes it’s good but probably too restrictive to be “healthy”. I don’t do middle-of-the-road. It’s all or nothing.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? No, I’m not concerned really with the contents of the food I’m eating, just the calories that I’m ingesting.
Fat grams? No.
Calories? Yes. And I feel guilty for eating the smallest of things.
Are you often tired/fatigued? Yes but I don’t think that’s necessarily just ED related, since I’ve had issues with insomnia for the past ten years.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? Not really. Often it makes me more tired, actually.
Do you eat meat? Yes
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Mm.. I tend to cut everything up before I eat it. But I’m not sure if that’s an OCD/ED-related thing, or just part of growing up in Canada where people don’t use knives and forks throughout every meal like they do in the UK. I chop stuff up and then just eat with a fork – my aunt does the same.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Hahah. People tell me I look sick or exhausted when I don’t have any makeup on, that’s about it.
Have you ever thrown up blood? No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? Yes
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? No. Sometimes I feel dizzy or lightheaded but I’ve never actually fainted.
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? I think it’s a large part of it. Although if there wasn’t media I think people would still agonize over that one girl at work who is super skinny and looks amazing in everything. I think it would still be an issue, just maybe not as huge as it has become today.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? I can’t say I’m against it because I’m an active part of the community. But I also think there’s a difference between Pro-Ana and what’s been popularized as “Wana-rexia” where girls just consciously starve themselves to lose weight. Pro-Ana to me is a community of support and people I can really identify with and who UNDERSTAND where I’m at. But I wouldn’t actively encourage normal people to stop eating for a month to drop that last 10lbs either.
Do you have any other mental disorders? Depression, some anxiety. Major mood swings (maybe bipolar? I dunno). None of it’s been actually diagnosed or treated, but I’m not stupid. I’m just too embarrassed and dumb to go to a doctor for medication.
What's your favorite food to eat? It changes constantly. But I could probably live off Yorkshire puddings, mashed potatoes and gravy. Or fried rice with soya sauce. The problem is, I love it so when I have it, it’s an inevitable binge.
Favorite drink? Sweetened coffee or green tea. Sugar free iced tea. Water with ice cubes. Coke Zero.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? I wish that I had the body that I want and that I didn’t HAVE to develop an ED to get there.
Do you want to recover? No.
Help??
So, this weekend (or possibly next) I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with my good friend S.
S used to be anorexic, and says she's still very aware of the feelings toward food, but that she pushes through and ignores them. That said, she's tiny and makes me feel like a huuuge whale when I'm around her - she's about 5'3" and a UK size 10 (a US 6?) - and is constantly saying she wants to lose weight. She used to weigh 6 and a half stone, which is around 90lbs, and laments the loss of her skinny days. Although even now she only weighs around 120ish. So I wouldn't necessarily say that she's completely recovered, but that she tries to eat normally so that her fiancee and her family won't worry (apparently if she's out all day and doesn't eat at home, her grandmother will have a go and automatically assume she hasn't eaten while she's out, or makes a deal if S doesn't eat everything put on her plate at mealtimes, even though her grandmother really packs it on etc). So, all of that is to say that I don't think she's completely "recovered" but that she loves her some sweet food and eating out in new restaurants.
Anyway. S doesn't know about my issues... She knows I'm trying to lose weight and "behave myself" and whatever, but whenever we go out to eat (which is once or twice a month after shopping or something) it's usually to somewhere "bad". Last time was to Chiquito, a Mexican restaurant here, where about the healthiest thing on the menu was the pork enchiladas with Mexican rice. I didn't gain, but it wasn't great either.
So, upon deciding where to go next, I told her that I wanted to go somewhere a bit healthier this time, and she agreed. But then we couldn't think of anywhere. Buuut then she said if we go for spicy food, it's not so bad - since spicy food increases your metabolic rate for up to 3 hours after you've eaten (or so I've read in a few places). So, I agreed, figuring spicy food is good and I can try to find something lower in calories as well.
Now, we're planning to go to this Indian restaurant in town, that I've heard is really nice. My only problem is that my ONLY experience with Indian food to date has been chicken korma, which I know is very bad.
So, I guess what I'm asking for here is advice. What is something healthier that I'll be able to order? Some manner of Indian food that has less fat/calories, and is "safer" than a korma and rice? I want to have some ideas in mind, otherwise I'll get there and start panicking =/
Thanks for your advice loves
Vee xox
PS: their menus are HERE if that helps
S used to be anorexic, and says she's still very aware of the feelings toward food, but that she pushes through and ignores them. That said, she's tiny and makes me feel like a huuuge whale when I'm around her - she's about 5'3" and a UK size 10 (a US 6?) - and is constantly saying she wants to lose weight. She used to weigh 6 and a half stone, which is around 90lbs, and laments the loss of her skinny days. Although even now she only weighs around 120ish. So I wouldn't necessarily say that she's completely recovered, but that she tries to eat normally so that her fiancee and her family won't worry (apparently if she's out all day and doesn't eat at home, her grandmother will have a go and automatically assume she hasn't eaten while she's out, or makes a deal if S doesn't eat everything put on her plate at mealtimes, even though her grandmother really packs it on etc). So, all of that is to say that I don't think she's completely "recovered" but that she loves her some sweet food and eating out in new restaurants.
Anyway. S doesn't know about my issues... She knows I'm trying to lose weight and "behave myself" and whatever, but whenever we go out to eat (which is once or twice a month after shopping or something) it's usually to somewhere "bad". Last time was to Chiquito, a Mexican restaurant here, where about the healthiest thing on the menu was the pork enchiladas with Mexican rice. I didn't gain, but it wasn't great either.
So, upon deciding where to go next, I told her that I wanted to go somewhere a bit healthier this time, and she agreed. But then we couldn't think of anywhere. Buuut then she said if we go for spicy food, it's not so bad - since spicy food increases your metabolic rate for up to 3 hours after you've eaten (or so I've read in a few places). So, I agreed, figuring spicy food is good and I can try to find something lower in calories as well.
Now, we're planning to go to this Indian restaurant in town, that I've heard is really nice. My only problem is that my ONLY experience with Indian food to date has been chicken korma, which I know is very bad.
So, I guess what I'm asking for here is advice. What is something healthier that I'll be able to order? Some manner of Indian food that has less fat/calories, and is "safer" than a korma and rice? I want to have some ideas in mind, otherwise I'll get there and start panicking =/
Thanks for your advice loves
Vee xox
PS: their menus are HERE if that helps
Morning!
I'll comment back to my comments a little later, I've got to be in a meeting in 20 minutes so I've got to make this quick.
After weigh-in this morning, I'm down 0.6lbs since yesterday. Which... I should be happy, but it tastes a lot like failure. I just have to keep telling myself at least it's a loss - I can't reasonably EXPECT to lose 1-2lbs per day consistently. I think the faster loss before is probably due to food and water weight, but at least right now I'm down 3.6lbs from last Thursday. Which, by all means, should be totally acceptable.
I'm not really disappointed in the lower loss, but I'm not ecstatic either. I'm kind of indifferent, if that makes sense.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the 100 cal bag of popcorn last night FELT like a huge binge, even though it totally wasn't, so that set me up to feel like crap today. God, how lame is that?
Anyway. Plan for today:
Breakfast
26 Grapes : 76 calories
(I just pulled off three small bunches and counted them as I ate, so the number is totally random)
Lunch
10-cal soup : 10 calories
Dinner
Frozen meal : 294 calories
Total for the day: 380
Totally acceptable. =]
I AM craving ice cream to a ridiculous degree right now - but I don't have access to any and even if I do go to buy cat food and litter tonight, I won't buy any food unless it's fruit. If I can keep it up I may allow myself a scoop on Sunday as a reward, but can't overdo it, and won't have any until then. I really wish frozen yogurt was common here, it would make this so much easier. As it is, I might just see if they've got some lemon sorbet this weekend instead, the one I had from Tesco wasn't very caloriffic.
I can't believe how... easy this week has been. But, I've got to print off a load of documents and get ready for this meeting, so I'll save that for another post
Lots of Love
Vee xox
After weigh-in this morning, I'm down 0.6lbs since yesterday. Which... I should be happy, but it tastes a lot like failure. I just have to keep telling myself at least it's a loss - I can't reasonably EXPECT to lose 1-2lbs per day consistently. I think the faster loss before is probably due to food and water weight, but at least right now I'm down 3.6lbs from last Thursday. Which, by all means, should be totally acceptable.
I'm not really disappointed in the lower loss, but I'm not ecstatic either. I'm kind of indifferent, if that makes sense.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the 100 cal bag of popcorn last night FELT like a huge binge, even though it totally wasn't, so that set me up to feel like crap today. God, how lame is that?
Anyway. Plan for today:
Breakfast
26 Grapes : 76 calories
(I just pulled off three small bunches and counted them as I ate, so the number is totally random)
Lunch
10-cal soup : 10 calories
Dinner
Frozen meal : 294 calories
Total for the day: 380
Totally acceptable. =]
I AM craving ice cream to a ridiculous degree right now - but I don't have access to any and even if I do go to buy cat food and litter tonight, I won't buy any food unless it's fruit. If I can keep it up I may allow myself a scoop on Sunday as a reward, but can't overdo it, and won't have any until then. I really wish frozen yogurt was common here, it would make this so much easier. As it is, I might just see if they've got some lemon sorbet this weekend instead, the one I had from Tesco wasn't very caloriffic.
I can't believe how... easy this week has been. But, I've got to print off a load of documents and get ready for this meeting, so I'll save that for another post
Lots of Love
Vee xox
Tuesday 28 July 2009
330
Total for the day: 330.
I went over by 100 because I was craving salt, so had some of that healthy popcorn to sate the craving. Still, 330 isn't too shabby if I do say so myself. The popcorn is great, because 100 calories is the whole bag, and it really fills you up. The downside is that it feels like a binge, even though I had LESS calories than I did yesterday.
I've got a headache tonight, no doubt due to dehydration. I need to start bringing bottles of water to work with me or something - the water cooler at work for some reason gives me heartburn =[
Going to go lie down and hope the headache will abate a little now that I've eaten my main meal and had a few glasses of water to drink.
Hi to all my new followers by the way =]
Vee xox
I went over by 100 because I was craving salt, so had some of that healthy popcorn to sate the craving. Still, 330 isn't too shabby if I do say so myself. The popcorn is great, because 100 calories is the whole bag, and it really fills you up. The downside is that it feels like a binge, even though I had LESS calories than I did yesterday.
I've got a headache tonight, no doubt due to dehydration. I need to start bringing bottles of water to work with me or something - the water cooler at work for some reason gives me heartburn =[
Going to go lie down and hope the headache will abate a little now that I've eaten my main meal and had a few glasses of water to drink.
Hi to all my new followers by the way =]
Vee xox
Trying not to be Disappointed
This isn't a food or ED related post.
Instead, it's about music I love. Or, more accurately, music I WANT very badly to love, but just can't.
My taste in music is both pretty varied, and pretty… non expansive. It’s varied because I like a variety of genres and songs from a lot of different artists. But in general, I tend to stick to a few “favourite” bands. I don’t listen to the radio or watch much, if any, music television. So, when I’m on the prowl for new music, my first stop is always to see if my favourite bands have announced a new album yet. If not, I find myself hanging and bored and a little sad. I ask people for music suggestions, but generally speaking, they never hit that nerve, y’know?
This year has been a good year for music – for me, I mean. Many of my favourite artists and bands have released new albums this year. Marilyn Manson (a good album although some of the tracks are pretty "samey"). Placebo (not quite as good as Meds was, but that's a damn hard album to follow up. It's still probably their second-best album, which is a feat considering that they lost an integral member of the band since the last album). Green Day (a perfect follow-up to American Idiot). Billy Talent (more to come). Muse has one out this fall, and AFI and 30 Seconds To Mars have announced that they’re currently working on their next albums, to be released this year or 2010.
But, I find myself struggling not to be disappointed. It’s a certain kind of loyalty that makes you want to TRY to like something. But the truth is, I’m not sure that I do.
In this case, I’m talking about Billy Talent. They’re a Canadian-Based ska-punk-alternative-what-the-fuck-ever band, and their first two albums were amazing. I could happily put those two albums on a playlist alone on shuffle repeat, listen to it for days at a time and not get bored. So when I heard Billy Talent III was out this summer, I leapt to preorder it excitedly.
I picked it up from my grandparents’ house this weekend, and finally ripped the tracks onto my ipod this weekend. I listened to it for the first time yesterday, and from the first chord, my heart sank.
Billy Talent has a certain “sound”. And that sound is, admittedly, up-tempo squealiness, with a very distinct guitar sound. It's a sound you either love or completely detest. And that’s what I love about them. The first album was amazing. The second album could have easily been a continuation of the first, or tracks that wouldn’t fit on their first release but which were written at the same time – they have the same sound, the same style, the same FEEL. And I love them both dearly. And largely the Canadian general public agrees - they're very popular back in my homeland.
The third album was, however, made to “appeal to the American market.”
Had I known that before I bought the CD, it would have made me wary. Now, after having listened to it, I’m saddened. Apparently appealing to the American music market means changing everything and becoming an entirely new band. A band should be what a band is, and should not alter themselves to try to suit a target market. Some bands grow and progress and as a result their sound changes (early AFI was very much shouty punk music, but the songs on their last two albums are entirely different, but still amazing. In fact, I prefer them). But Billy Talent have deeply disappointed their fans this time around – and indeed, they’ve turned their backs on those of us who LIKE their signature sound.
The new album is toned down by a lot. There are only a couple subtle inklings of the strong, unique guitar sound that their first two albums are known for. The voice is less squealy – but also less powerful. It feels like the lead singer is trying to be something he’s not (which I believe he is) and the toned-down songs and the reigned-in vocals just don’t suit. It doesn’t feel right. Even had I not been a Billy Talent before, had this been their first album release, that voice does not suit that kind of music. It’s less punk-ska-alt-whatever and more generic-rock-with-pop-influences.
It just feels… wrong. In a way I can’t even describe.
I don't know how else to articulate this, but it feels like they're trying to take themselves more seriously as a rock band - when it's entirely unnecessary and the punk-alt-etc band they were before was much loved and filled a niche very nicely. I want my ADHD sugar-high strong guitar, squealy-voiced band back =[
Instead, it's about music I love. Or, more accurately, music I WANT very badly to love, but just can't.
My taste in music is both pretty varied, and pretty… non expansive. It’s varied because I like a variety of genres and songs from a lot of different artists. But in general, I tend to stick to a few “favourite” bands. I don’t listen to the radio or watch much, if any, music television. So, when I’m on the prowl for new music, my first stop is always to see if my favourite bands have announced a new album yet. If not, I find myself hanging and bored and a little sad. I ask people for music suggestions, but generally speaking, they never hit that nerve, y’know?
This year has been a good year for music – for me, I mean. Many of my favourite artists and bands have released new albums this year. Marilyn Manson (a good album although some of the tracks are pretty "samey"). Placebo (not quite as good as Meds was, but that's a damn hard album to follow up. It's still probably their second-best album, which is a feat considering that they lost an integral member of the band since the last album). Green Day (a perfect follow-up to American Idiot). Billy Talent (more to come). Muse has one out this fall, and AFI and 30 Seconds To Mars have announced that they’re currently working on their next albums, to be released this year or 2010.
But, I find myself struggling not to be disappointed. It’s a certain kind of loyalty that makes you want to TRY to like something. But the truth is, I’m not sure that I do.
In this case, I’m talking about Billy Talent. They’re a Canadian-Based ska-punk-alternative-what-the-fuck-ever band, and their first two albums were amazing. I could happily put those two albums on a playlist alone on shuffle repeat, listen to it for days at a time and not get bored. So when I heard Billy Talent III was out this summer, I leapt to preorder it excitedly.
I picked it up from my grandparents’ house this weekend, and finally ripped the tracks onto my ipod this weekend. I listened to it for the first time yesterday, and from the first chord, my heart sank.
Billy Talent has a certain “sound”. And that sound is, admittedly, up-tempo squealiness, with a very distinct guitar sound. It's a sound you either love or completely detest. And that’s what I love about them. The first album was amazing. The second album could have easily been a continuation of the first, or tracks that wouldn’t fit on their first release but which were written at the same time – they have the same sound, the same style, the same FEEL. And I love them both dearly. And largely the Canadian general public agrees - they're very popular back in my homeland.
The third album was, however, made to “appeal to the American market.”
Had I known that before I bought the CD, it would have made me wary. Now, after having listened to it, I’m saddened. Apparently appealing to the American music market means changing everything and becoming an entirely new band. A band should be what a band is, and should not alter themselves to try to suit a target market. Some bands grow and progress and as a result their sound changes (early AFI was very much shouty punk music, but the songs on their last two albums are entirely different, but still amazing. In fact, I prefer them). But Billy Talent have deeply disappointed their fans this time around – and indeed, they’ve turned their backs on those of us who LIKE their signature sound.
The new album is toned down by a lot. There are only a couple subtle inklings of the strong, unique guitar sound that their first two albums are known for. The voice is less squealy – but also less powerful. It feels like the lead singer is trying to be something he’s not (which I believe he is) and the toned-down songs and the reigned-in vocals just don’t suit. It doesn’t feel right. Even had I not been a Billy Talent before, had this been their first album release, that voice does not suit that kind of music. It’s less punk-ska-alt-whatever and more generic-rock-with-pop-influences.
It just feels… wrong. In a way I can’t even describe.
I don't know how else to articulate this, but it feels like they're trying to take themselves more seriously as a rock band - when it's entirely unnecessary and the punk-alt-etc band they were before was much loved and filled a niche very nicely. I want my ADHD sugar-high strong guitar, squealy-voiced band back =[
On A More Positive Note
The day is going well so far. I need to stop hitting up Facebook during lunch though, because I found out that apparently all the drama going on with my immediate family back home is still ongoing. But I don't know EXACTLY what's happening at this point and it's maddening.
I posted about it before but my mom called in tears last Sunday (I think it was sunday anyway) about stuff that had been going on. The next day she called and things seemed to be mostly ironed out. Now my sister's facebook status is bitching that "that little bitch" (presumably meaning my brother's ex / my nephew's mom) stirring up shit is causing issues in her relationship and that all of my immediate family are wound up so tight they're constantly snapping.
What a feel-good story. I can't WAIT to go visit. Sigh.
Anyway, that's irritating, and hopefully I'll get to talk to my mom before the weekend to find out what's going down. If I do I'll keep you posted.
BUT on a more positive note, I've stuck to my guns at work (despite a sudden and HUGE craving for chips, cheese and gravy around 1 o'clock) and my intake so far is still just me 10-calorie chicken soup. Mmm.
It's almost 3 now - funny, I always seem to get an urge to blog around 3 haha - so I've got two hours to go. I worked out my hours and thank god I don't have to stay until 5:30 today. Because I worked an extra 15 minutes yesterday and managed to get in for 8:30 today I can just take off at 5 - and then I'm free to go at 4 tomorrow as long as I'm in early enough to cover it.
So, I've only got two hours left to work. And the three pieces of work I've got left to do are super easy, so yay!
My only gripe right now is that because yesterday was The Longest Day Ever, it feels like it should be Wednesday today, which would rock. But it is not.
Also, J has gone to visit her brother and sis-in-law at their caravan for a couple days, so it's just me and my aunt at home until Thursday evening. And I'm kind of glad for the break. J can be randomly moody over nothing and make snarky comments over the tiniest things. The other day, I had something to eat and put my plate in the sink since it was already filled with water and some other cups and stuff. 99% of the time I wash my dishes as I use them but this one time I put it in the sink (everyone else does it, and my aunts have been known to pass me their dirty dishes as I'm washing mine, and I don't mind doing it *shrug*) but J made a deal out of it. Grumbling "I'll do the dishes then, shall I?" And I don't know that it was necessarily directed AT me or my aunt, but both of them had been home all day and the other stuff in the sink was theirs, so what gives?
I bitch too much, hah.
She was okay yesterday, I dunno. Hopefully a couple days away will bring her back a little more chill? I think it's getting to her that she's not at work and is at home all day, or something. Cabin Fever maybe.
Usually when J is away my aunt and I do something... like make something nice for dinner, or get pizza and watch some movies, then stay up late and get the Ouija board out (that J doesn't know I have, since she's dead-set against having one in her house). But, since my aunt is on her pre surgery diet, no temptations to order any takeout, so yay =] We'll probably do nothing special or interesting in the next couple days - I think we'll just appreciate the quiet, to be honest.
I need to get some more water to drink. More later! xx
I posted about it before but my mom called in tears last Sunday (I think it was sunday anyway) about stuff that had been going on. The next day she called and things seemed to be mostly ironed out. Now my sister's facebook status is bitching that "that little bitch" (presumably meaning my brother's ex / my nephew's mom) stirring up shit is causing issues in her relationship and that all of my immediate family are wound up so tight they're constantly snapping.
What a feel-good story. I can't WAIT to go visit. Sigh.
Anyway, that's irritating, and hopefully I'll get to talk to my mom before the weekend to find out what's going down. If I do I'll keep you posted.
BUT on a more positive note, I've stuck to my guns at work (despite a sudden and HUGE craving for chips, cheese and gravy around 1 o'clock) and my intake so far is still just me 10-calorie chicken soup. Mmm.
It's almost 3 now - funny, I always seem to get an urge to blog around 3 haha - so I've got two hours to go. I worked out my hours and thank god I don't have to stay until 5:30 today. Because I worked an extra 15 minutes yesterday and managed to get in for 8:30 today I can just take off at 5 - and then I'm free to go at 4 tomorrow as long as I'm in early enough to cover it.
So, I've only got two hours left to work. And the three pieces of work I've got left to do are super easy, so yay!
My only gripe right now is that because yesterday was The Longest Day Ever, it feels like it should be Wednesday today, which would rock. But it is not.
Also, J has gone to visit her brother and sis-in-law at their caravan for a couple days, so it's just me and my aunt at home until Thursday evening. And I'm kind of glad for the break. J can be randomly moody over nothing and make snarky comments over the tiniest things. The other day, I had something to eat and put my plate in the sink since it was already filled with water and some other cups and stuff. 99% of the time I wash my dishes as I use them but this one time I put it in the sink (everyone else does it, and my aunts have been known to pass me their dirty dishes as I'm washing mine, and I don't mind doing it *shrug*) but J made a deal out of it. Grumbling "I'll do the dishes then, shall I?" And I don't know that it was necessarily directed AT me or my aunt, but both of them had been home all day and the other stuff in the sink was theirs, so what gives?
I bitch too much, hah.
She was okay yesterday, I dunno. Hopefully a couple days away will bring her back a little more chill? I think it's getting to her that she's not at work and is at home all day, or something. Cabin Fever maybe.
Usually when J is away my aunt and I do something... like make something nice for dinner, or get pizza and watch some movies, then stay up late and get the Ouija board out (that J doesn't know I have, since she's dead-set against having one in her house). But, since my aunt is on her pre surgery diet, no temptations to order any takeout, so yay =] We'll probably do nothing special or interesting in the next couple days - I think we'll just appreciate the quiet, to be honest.
I need to get some more water to drink. More later! xx
A little mid-morning introspection (and more about me than you ever wanted to know)
I don't know exactly what triggered this inward discussion. But on the weekend, I started thinking about myself, prying inside my own mind. And I... I don't even know how to put this into words so that it makes sense... So expect much nonsensical rambling.
Basically, I'm... largely unable to articulate my emotions. I can't say what I feel. And a lot of that has to do with being so bound and oppressed for so long that I no longer feel comfortable doing so. It's hard for me to say how I feel. On here is one thing, because it's anonymous and I can say what I really think without fear of backlash. But reality is another issue altogether.
Growing up for me was hard. I didn't have a particularly happy childhood, and I know that same thing can go for a lot of people in this community, too. I had to grow up at a young age, and before I was a teenager I was playing the adult. At the time there was nothing odd about this, it was just how my life was. But looking back, I never really got to experience a real childhood, to live life the way every other teenager does.
My mom was only 17 when she had me, and I hate to say this but I think she was too young, and somewhat ill-equipped for the job of motherhood. She married my father when I was a couple months old, but they divorced before I was 2. My father could be abusive, and one of my earliest memories is of hiding underneath a table while my dad choked my mom in the kitchen - then, my mom crying and getting me to go stay with my grandparents.
When the marriage eventually and inevitably ended, we lived with my grandparents and my aunt. I may have mentioned this before, but my aunt was only 14 when I was born, and maybe that relatively small age gap is one of the reasons we're so close. And also because she played a big role on my childhood.
Almost immediately after divorcing my father, my mom started seeing who is now my stepfather. I have very few memories of my early life - I remember getting horrific sunburn on my back when I was living with my grandmother, around the age of 3 or 4. I remember a drawer at my dad's house that I used to keep a ton of stuffed animals in - a parrot in particular - although I don't remember my dad's house or my weekends there with him. I do remember playing Uno with him, and riding on the back of his motorcycle with my fingers tucked into his beltloops.
I don't remember much. But I remember always hating my stepfather.
Maybe my life would have been a little different if he had stuck around, but I honestly don't think so, nor do I like to waste my time on the "maybe"s and "what if"s. To make a long story short, the last time I saw my dad was on my 6th birthday, when he turned up to tell my mom he didn't want to see me anymore. By this time we were already living with my stepfather and my half-sister had been born.
My grandmother constantly tries to push me to get back into contact with him, but I don't actually want to. I don't see the point. She professes that probably my stepfather threatened him to stay away or something. But in the years following, my dad still did some pretty shitty things that can't be blamed on anyone else but him. For example, when I had to apply for a new passport when I was 12 or so before I came to England for the summer. My dad had to sign the application form, and when my mom called to ask him to, he laughed and refused. Until my mom told him that if he didn't, she would be suing him for all the child support he hadn't paid since I was 6. Stuff like that.
I never really thought about him over the years, until I found out when I was 16 or 17 that he had adopted my cousin, who was a girl the same age as me. Suddenly, all the feelings came flooding forward. Because it wasn't just that he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to have a daughter who was a teenager already at his age. It was that he didn't want me.
But I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. How, ten years later I was finally feeling the sting of his abandonment. Because by this time, I had already learned how to master and suppress my emotions, to a fault. I didn't know how to let myself feel it or vent it.
I should skip back a little and explain. When I was a kid, I used to tell my grandmother everything. I used to spend weekends at her house and we used to talk through the night about everything and nothing at all. I used to vent to her about all of the shit going on at home - my stepfather is an abusive asshole and always had been.
I vividly remember him screaming and shouting at me, just because I was there. My brother and sister had been fighting and of course I would ALWAYS get pulled into the crossfire, even if I wasn't at home when the reason for his rage had happened. And he ALWAYS overreacted to a ridiculous degree. I remember that he used to threaten to give us away, tell us to pack our bags because he was going to call child welfare to take us away because he didn't want us. I remember actually keeping a tally chart hidden behind one of the small posters by my lower-level bunk bed in the room I shared with my sister, of the number of times he made this threat.
The tally had reached 13 in the space of a few weeks by the time I gave up.
I remember being so completely terrified of him that I would shut down, I couldn't think or talk or move, could only cover my face with my hands and sob and tremble uncontrollably, hyperventilating until I felt faint. But of course, if I cried I got screamed at more, got slapped because I "needed a reason to cry".
My stepfather stopped hitting for the most part by the time I was a teenager. Me, anyway. He used to use whatever was around to hit my brother and sister, and I used to tell my mom and she would yell at him. My mom always said that she believed in corrective smacking - but NOT in hitting your hid with an object or anything other than an open hand. I actually can't remember my mom ever so much as slapping me. I never gave her a reason to.
My stepfather however, grew up in a house of alcoholics, where his father used to beat him with leather belts and his mom used to hit him with wire coathangers. My stepfather is an alcoholic with serious rage issues, and he used to take that out on anyone around him. The doorframe around his bedroom door broke, and he kept a large, long piece of wood to hit my brother and sister with, until I told my mom and she made him break it and throw it away. I even remember one afternoon where my stepdad was shouting at my brother over something trivial, and he called him a "fucking cocksucker" and picked him up by the throat and threw him onto the living room couch.
He used to lock our dog in the basement when we went out or while he was at work and we were at school - for HOURS at a time. And then he used to beat and kick the shit out of that dog when he got home from work and he had pooped on the floor.
I was SO GLAD when that dog ran away.
I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't hate him with my entire being.
Before my mom married him, when I was maybe 8 years old, I remember taking her aside and asking her not to marry him, begging her not to marry him. Of course, I was ignored. Maybe, if she'd listened to me, I would have been able to save her life.
When I was in high school, things just got worse. When I was 10 or 12, my grandparents and aunt moved back to England, leaving us, in a sense, alone. I remember having to work on the weekends at my mom's place washing dishes just so I would have enough money to replace the single pair of black trousers that I had to wear to school, in which a huge hole had worn through the inner thigh. I remember being in high school and having to walk to school through hip-deep snow in -50 degree weather in the winter, with shoes that barely had the soles hanging onto them. I remember coming home from school having not eaten anything all day, and having nothing in the cupboards - having to wait until my mom got home at 9:30 at night so we could have something to eat when she brought fast food home with her from her job.
Because buying beer and marijuana and making sure my stepfather had everything he wanted was much, much more important.
When I was in 10th grade, the shit hit the fan with force. By this time, I had shut down. I lived in my basement bedroom and spent as much time away from the house as I could. I stayed at my friends' house on the weekends, and if my stepfather was on the day shift, I would go to work with my mom if she was working evenings. I used to sit in the back and do dishes, even if I wasn't getting paid for it, because by god, it was better than being at home without my mom acting as a buffer from her husband. When she wasn't around he was always worse, and would almost always bitch at us ABOUT HER. As if her numerous failings and incompetencies (as numbered by him) were a direct result of our existence.
One night in particular, I'd gone to work with mom. My stepdad had stopped by for something to eat around 6 and was in a good enough mood, then. But when he picked us up after work around 9:45, it was immediately obvious he was in a mood. He tore off before my mom's door was even shut and ignored her when she cheerfully greeted him. Speeding dangerously home, he suddenly started shouting at me, saying I was not to leave the house until he told me it was okay. That I was grounded and would not be going to work with my mom again.
I had NO IDEA what I had done. But I was unsurprised.
When we got home, I went to my room and cried silently in the way I had learned long ago. To this day, I can't have a proper cry, I can't sob. All I can do is sit quietly as the tears roll rapidly down my cheek.
The house was tense and we all walked on eggshells. Which was, again, nothing new. For years, whenever he was on the night shift, more nights than not I would be woken up when he came home at 4 in the morning, slamming the door, stomping around, and then bashing through the kitchen so noisily I expected to find the entire living and kitchen area destroyed when I finally got up. I was always SO terrified that he was going to come wake me up - he had been known to wake everyone up to yell at us in this manner before.
For so, SO long, all I wanted was to die.
But anyway, a few days after the after-work incident.. it was a Friday. Fridays, my brother and sister's school finished at 12ish, and my high school got out around 2. So we were all at home in the afternoon. Mom and Him were at work, both due home around 6:30. I'd filled the sink with dishes and soapy water, and my brother and sister were in the living room playing (I'd been babysitting them since I was around 9 years old), when someone knocked on the door. My brother ran down to answer it (he was around 10 or 11 at this time) and next thing a woman walked into the kitchen.
Turns out my sister had told her guidance counsellor at school what had happened That Night, and she had in turn called child welfare, who had in turn called the police - about an hour later two police officers turned up.
That Night, my brother had gone to a friend's house after school. My stepfather told him to come home at 7, but he didn't. My stepfather called several times and my brother refused to come home. So he drove there. He physically dragged my brother out to the car, where he hit him several times, both open and closed-fisted. When they got home, he pulled off his belt and hit him again. So hard that the leather snapped and he left a huge welt on one side of my brother's ass. When the belt snapped, he picked up my brother's hockey stick and hit him with that.
Yeah. If I had known what had happened, I would have called the fucking police myself.
My brother and sister gave statements and my mom cried and glared accusingly at my stepfather - it was the first she'd heard of what had happened. He'd told my mom he's "smacked" my brother, but not that he'd beat him with fists, a belt, and a hockey stick.
After that, my stepfather had a huge vendetta against my sister. He would overreact and scream at her more than usual over any little thing. That summer, he made her stay at a friend's house for a week so he wouldn't have to see her. Even now, my sister blames herself for all of the shit that ensued in the family. My stepfather blamed her - but she had done the right thing!
In the end, he got off with a suspended sentence and community service OR a fine. He paid the fine, and bitched at my brother and sister and I because he couldnt' afford it and it was our fault he had to pay it.
I remember before the trial, my mom taking me aside and saying "if the judge wants to talk to you and ask about what kind of a person is, please tell her he's a good father etc etc." To keep the peace. YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT. In the end, because I wasn't present when it happened and had no knowledge of it, I had no part in it at all. And I kind of wish I had.
That was when I decided I needed to get the fuck away. That's why, when the opportunity presented itself to MOVE to England instead of just going to stay for six months, I fucking leapt.
All of this is to say that I was forced from a relatively young age to shut down and not show my emotions. I couldn't tell people what I thought or felt because I had to "keep the peace". Lord only knows what would have happened if I had actually stood up to His Assholishness. It took me years to work through some of those barriers, but a lot are still in place.
The year I moved here, I was talking to a friend over the phone and we were joking around when I realized I couldn't even LAUGH properly. I'd laugh closed-throated, so there was barely a sound. It was more of a kept-inside snicker. And I had to physically make myself stop doing that. Because it was okay!
I still can't cry properly. Even after my ex left me for another woman and my world came crashing down around me, when everything hurt so much worse than it ever had in my life before, I couldn't give myself over to the breakdown that wanted to happen. That probably NEEDED To happen so that I could move on a lot sooner than I did.
And I can't say what I feel. I can't say I love you unless it's already been said. I can't tell someone when they make me angry. I can't tell someone when something they've done has upset me. Because in the past if I ever did, there was always a backlash. Even telling my ex that I was upset by something, he used to get mad at me for crying and say I was stupid for getting upset for some stupid reason.
And I can't bring myself to tell someone when what they're doing is hurting / annoying / whatever-ing me. Because I've got some deep-rooted survival instinct that stops me from doing it. Deep down I always expect there to be some huge backlash everytime I say something. Whether it's going to come or not, I can't help it.
This is a lot, lot longer than I was anticipating. It was originally meant to just be an explanation of my emotional ineptitude - actually, that's not right. I'm a very emotional person, I'm pretty moody, I get irritated easily and I can cry over anything. I guess what I mean is just my inability to show it or say it. But in order to explain that I felt like I had to give some background information as to why that barrier is there.
Maybe one day I'll get past it, but I don't know.
Also, I want to add that writing this was painful. Because it felt a lot like reliving it. And writing about my mother's husband made my chest constrict with such a high level of anxiety as I haven't felt in a long time.
Oh yeah, I'm so looking forward to visiting my mom and her husband at the end of August. =/
**PS: although I said that "maybe if she had listened I would have been able to save her life" I want to clarify that my mom is alive - but she has no "life" to speak of. He's crushed her down so far that she no longer feels worth anything. She doesn't bother to take care of herself because she's not worth the effort. She has only one or two friends, who she rarely sees, and she does absolutely nothing but sit at home and take care of his needs.
Basically, I'm... largely unable to articulate my emotions. I can't say what I feel. And a lot of that has to do with being so bound and oppressed for so long that I no longer feel comfortable doing so. It's hard for me to say how I feel. On here is one thing, because it's anonymous and I can say what I really think without fear of backlash. But reality is another issue altogether.
Growing up for me was hard. I didn't have a particularly happy childhood, and I know that same thing can go for a lot of people in this community, too. I had to grow up at a young age, and before I was a teenager I was playing the adult. At the time there was nothing odd about this, it was just how my life was. But looking back, I never really got to experience a real childhood, to live life the way every other teenager does.
My mom was only 17 when she had me, and I hate to say this but I think she was too young, and somewhat ill-equipped for the job of motherhood. She married my father when I was a couple months old, but they divorced before I was 2. My father could be abusive, and one of my earliest memories is of hiding underneath a table while my dad choked my mom in the kitchen - then, my mom crying and getting me to go stay with my grandparents.
When the marriage eventually and inevitably ended, we lived with my grandparents and my aunt. I may have mentioned this before, but my aunt was only 14 when I was born, and maybe that relatively small age gap is one of the reasons we're so close. And also because she played a big role on my childhood.
Almost immediately after divorcing my father, my mom started seeing who is now my stepfather. I have very few memories of my early life - I remember getting horrific sunburn on my back when I was living with my grandmother, around the age of 3 or 4. I remember a drawer at my dad's house that I used to keep a ton of stuffed animals in - a parrot in particular - although I don't remember my dad's house or my weekends there with him. I do remember playing Uno with him, and riding on the back of his motorcycle with my fingers tucked into his beltloops.
I don't remember much. But I remember always hating my stepfather.
Maybe my life would have been a little different if he had stuck around, but I honestly don't think so, nor do I like to waste my time on the "maybe"s and "what if"s. To make a long story short, the last time I saw my dad was on my 6th birthday, when he turned up to tell my mom he didn't want to see me anymore. By this time we were already living with my stepfather and my half-sister had been born.
My grandmother constantly tries to push me to get back into contact with him, but I don't actually want to. I don't see the point. She professes that probably my stepfather threatened him to stay away or something. But in the years following, my dad still did some pretty shitty things that can't be blamed on anyone else but him. For example, when I had to apply for a new passport when I was 12 or so before I came to England for the summer. My dad had to sign the application form, and when my mom called to ask him to, he laughed and refused. Until my mom told him that if he didn't, she would be suing him for all the child support he hadn't paid since I was 6. Stuff like that.
I never really thought about him over the years, until I found out when I was 16 or 17 that he had adopted my cousin, who was a girl the same age as me. Suddenly, all the feelings came flooding forward. Because it wasn't just that he didn't want to be a father, he didn't want to have a daughter who was a teenager already at his age. It was that he didn't want me.
But I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. How, ten years later I was finally feeling the sting of his abandonment. Because by this time, I had already learned how to master and suppress my emotions, to a fault. I didn't know how to let myself feel it or vent it.
I should skip back a little and explain. When I was a kid, I used to tell my grandmother everything. I used to spend weekends at her house and we used to talk through the night about everything and nothing at all. I used to vent to her about all of the shit going on at home - my stepfather is an abusive asshole and always had been.
I vividly remember him screaming and shouting at me, just because I was there. My brother and sister had been fighting and of course I would ALWAYS get pulled into the crossfire, even if I wasn't at home when the reason for his rage had happened. And he ALWAYS overreacted to a ridiculous degree. I remember that he used to threaten to give us away, tell us to pack our bags because he was going to call child welfare to take us away because he didn't want us. I remember actually keeping a tally chart hidden behind one of the small posters by my lower-level bunk bed in the room I shared with my sister, of the number of times he made this threat.
The tally had reached 13 in the space of a few weeks by the time I gave up.
I remember being so completely terrified of him that I would shut down, I couldn't think or talk or move, could only cover my face with my hands and sob and tremble uncontrollably, hyperventilating until I felt faint. But of course, if I cried I got screamed at more, got slapped because I "needed a reason to cry".
My stepfather stopped hitting for the most part by the time I was a teenager. Me, anyway. He used to use whatever was around to hit my brother and sister, and I used to tell my mom and she would yell at him. My mom always said that she believed in corrective smacking - but NOT in hitting your hid with an object or anything other than an open hand. I actually can't remember my mom ever so much as slapping me. I never gave her a reason to.
My stepfather however, grew up in a house of alcoholics, where his father used to beat him with leather belts and his mom used to hit him with wire coathangers. My stepfather is an alcoholic with serious rage issues, and he used to take that out on anyone around him. The doorframe around his bedroom door broke, and he kept a large, long piece of wood to hit my brother and sister with, until I told my mom and she made him break it and throw it away. I even remember one afternoon where my stepdad was shouting at my brother over something trivial, and he called him a "fucking cocksucker" and picked him up by the throat and threw him onto the living room couch.
He used to lock our dog in the basement when we went out or while he was at work and we were at school - for HOURS at a time. And then he used to beat and kick the shit out of that dog when he got home from work and he had pooped on the floor.
I was SO GLAD when that dog ran away.
I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't hate him with my entire being.
Before my mom married him, when I was maybe 8 years old, I remember taking her aside and asking her not to marry him, begging her not to marry him. Of course, I was ignored. Maybe, if she'd listened to me, I would have been able to save her life.
When I was in high school, things just got worse. When I was 10 or 12, my grandparents and aunt moved back to England, leaving us, in a sense, alone. I remember having to work on the weekends at my mom's place washing dishes just so I would have enough money to replace the single pair of black trousers that I had to wear to school, in which a huge hole had worn through the inner thigh. I remember being in high school and having to walk to school through hip-deep snow in -50 degree weather in the winter, with shoes that barely had the soles hanging onto them. I remember coming home from school having not eaten anything all day, and having nothing in the cupboards - having to wait until my mom got home at 9:30 at night so we could have something to eat when she brought fast food home with her from her job.
Because buying beer and marijuana and making sure my stepfather had everything he wanted was much, much more important.
When I was in 10th grade, the shit hit the fan with force. By this time, I had shut down. I lived in my basement bedroom and spent as much time away from the house as I could. I stayed at my friends' house on the weekends, and if my stepfather was on the day shift, I would go to work with my mom if she was working evenings. I used to sit in the back and do dishes, even if I wasn't getting paid for it, because by god, it was better than being at home without my mom acting as a buffer from her husband. When she wasn't around he was always worse, and would almost always bitch at us ABOUT HER. As if her numerous failings and incompetencies (as numbered by him) were a direct result of our existence.
One night in particular, I'd gone to work with mom. My stepdad had stopped by for something to eat around 6 and was in a good enough mood, then. But when he picked us up after work around 9:45, it was immediately obvious he was in a mood. He tore off before my mom's door was even shut and ignored her when she cheerfully greeted him. Speeding dangerously home, he suddenly started shouting at me, saying I was not to leave the house until he told me it was okay. That I was grounded and would not be going to work with my mom again.
I had NO IDEA what I had done. But I was unsurprised.
When we got home, I went to my room and cried silently in the way I had learned long ago. To this day, I can't have a proper cry, I can't sob. All I can do is sit quietly as the tears roll rapidly down my cheek.
The house was tense and we all walked on eggshells. Which was, again, nothing new. For years, whenever he was on the night shift, more nights than not I would be woken up when he came home at 4 in the morning, slamming the door, stomping around, and then bashing through the kitchen so noisily I expected to find the entire living and kitchen area destroyed when I finally got up. I was always SO terrified that he was going to come wake me up - he had been known to wake everyone up to yell at us in this manner before.
For so, SO long, all I wanted was to die.
But anyway, a few days after the after-work incident.. it was a Friday. Fridays, my brother and sister's school finished at 12ish, and my high school got out around 2. So we were all at home in the afternoon. Mom and Him were at work, both due home around 6:30. I'd filled the sink with dishes and soapy water, and my brother and sister were in the living room playing (I'd been babysitting them since I was around 9 years old), when someone knocked on the door. My brother ran down to answer it (he was around 10 or 11 at this time) and next thing a woman walked into the kitchen.
Turns out my sister had told her guidance counsellor at school what had happened That Night, and she had in turn called child welfare, who had in turn called the police - about an hour later two police officers turned up.
That Night, my brother had gone to a friend's house after school. My stepfather told him to come home at 7, but he didn't. My stepfather called several times and my brother refused to come home. So he drove there. He physically dragged my brother out to the car, where he hit him several times, both open and closed-fisted. When they got home, he pulled off his belt and hit him again. So hard that the leather snapped and he left a huge welt on one side of my brother's ass. When the belt snapped, he picked up my brother's hockey stick and hit him with that.
Yeah. If I had known what had happened, I would have called the fucking police myself.
My brother and sister gave statements and my mom cried and glared accusingly at my stepfather - it was the first she'd heard of what had happened. He'd told my mom he's "smacked" my brother, but not that he'd beat him with fists, a belt, and a hockey stick.
After that, my stepfather had a huge vendetta against my sister. He would overreact and scream at her more than usual over any little thing. That summer, he made her stay at a friend's house for a week so he wouldn't have to see her. Even now, my sister blames herself for all of the shit that ensued in the family. My stepfather blamed her - but she had done the right thing!
In the end, he got off with a suspended sentence and community service OR a fine. He paid the fine, and bitched at my brother and sister and I because he couldnt' afford it and it was our fault he had to pay it.
I remember before the trial, my mom taking me aside and saying "if the judge wants to talk to you and ask about what kind of a person is, please tell her he's a good father etc etc." To keep the peace. YEAH. FUCKING. RIGHT. In the end, because I wasn't present when it happened and had no knowledge of it, I had no part in it at all. And I kind of wish I had.
That was when I decided I needed to get the fuck away. That's why, when the opportunity presented itself to MOVE to England instead of just going to stay for six months, I fucking leapt.
All of this is to say that I was forced from a relatively young age to shut down and not show my emotions. I couldn't tell people what I thought or felt because I had to "keep the peace". Lord only knows what would have happened if I had actually stood up to His Assholishness. It took me years to work through some of those barriers, but a lot are still in place.
The year I moved here, I was talking to a friend over the phone and we were joking around when I realized I couldn't even LAUGH properly. I'd laugh closed-throated, so there was barely a sound. It was more of a kept-inside snicker. And I had to physically make myself stop doing that. Because it was okay!
I still can't cry properly. Even after my ex left me for another woman and my world came crashing down around me, when everything hurt so much worse than it ever had in my life before, I couldn't give myself over to the breakdown that wanted to happen. That probably NEEDED To happen so that I could move on a lot sooner than I did.
And I can't say what I feel. I can't say I love you unless it's already been said. I can't tell someone when they make me angry. I can't tell someone when something they've done has upset me. Because in the past if I ever did, there was always a backlash. Even telling my ex that I was upset by something, he used to get mad at me for crying and say I was stupid for getting upset for some stupid reason.
And I can't bring myself to tell someone when what they're doing is hurting / annoying / whatever-ing me. Because I've got some deep-rooted survival instinct that stops me from doing it. Deep down I always expect there to be some huge backlash everytime I say something. Whether it's going to come or not, I can't help it.
This is a lot, lot longer than I was anticipating. It was originally meant to just be an explanation of my emotional ineptitude - actually, that's not right. I'm a very emotional person, I'm pretty moody, I get irritated easily and I can cry over anything. I guess what I mean is just my inability to show it or say it. But in order to explain that I felt like I had to give some background information as to why that barrier is there.
Maybe one day I'll get past it, but I don't know.
Also, I want to add that writing this was painful. Because it felt a lot like reliving it. And writing about my mother's husband made my chest constrict with such a high level of anxiety as I haven't felt in a long time.
Oh yeah, I'm so looking forward to visiting my mom and her husband at the end of August. =/
**PS: although I said that "maybe if she had listened I would have been able to save her life" I want to clarify that my mom is alive - but she has no "life" to speak of. He's crushed her down so far that she no longer feels worth anything. She doesn't bother to take care of herself because she's not worth the effort. She has only one or two friends, who she rarely sees, and she does absolutely nothing but sit at home and take care of his needs.
Can You Gimme A FUCK YES?!
Yesterday, I would not say was a very fabulous day. Food-wise I did pretty good, staying under my personal cap of 500. I know I'm not always going to be able to manage to stay that low, but at least if I've got a maximum goal in mind, it'll help... Also, for those interested, I gave up on the ABC deal a while ago again, obviously. I think I mentioned ages ago but.. I didn't like how strict the rules were. It's not like it was just a matter of limits being too low or anything, but like I said before, I prefer to be able to pick and choose my fast days. Sometimes it's easier to do than others, y'know?
Anyway, when I got home from work last night, I had a quick bite to eat and then immediately went upstairs to nap because I literally couldn't stand upright for another minute without falling over. I napped solidly from around 7 to 10, then woke up to get ready for bed (I would have just stayed in bed, but I HAD to get up to brush my teeth and get my retainer in - after all that pain and suffering I refuse to let my hard work be undone). It took a while to fall back to sleep though... and I slept kinda fitfully again. Although, I always do. I rarely ever sleep straight through for more than a couple of hours, and tend to wake up a thousand times during the night. At one point I also had a nightmare, but I can't really remember the specifics of it anymore. Except that at one part, my right ear was bleeding? No idea what that has to do with anything, really.
I'm getting off topic again, haha. Annyway, I remember waking up around 1 and realizing my cat wasn't on my bed, although the night before she went OUT at 1:30 so I wasn't too concerned. When I woke up just after 3 and she still wasn't in, though, I started worrying. My last cat was run over just outside our last house, my aunt's cat was hit by a car and lived, my aunt's previous cat was hit by a car and died, and two of our old neighbours' cats were run over and killed too. So, to say the very least, I AM PARANOID.
So I crept downstairs, intending to have a quick look outside to see if I could find her or call her in - but as soon as I got into the kitchen/dining room and looked at the door, I could see her little face peering at me through the catflap. I called to her and she meowed at me, but didn't come inside. So I pushed the cat-flap so it was open and she tucked her head and front paws part of the way through - then stopped. Then pulled back out and started meowing at me again. In the end, I had to unlock the back door and open it for her so she would come inside and go to bed. I have no idea what was up with her, she's never had an issue with the cat-flap before, but last night she refused to go through it *shrug*
But anyway, yesterday's restriction did the job. This morning I am exactly 2lbs lighter than I was yesterday morning, and that's put me in an amazing mood for the day. I'm still pretty tired, and the lack of food is making me slightly lightheaded at times, but it's worth it!
Today's plan is much like yesterday:
Breakfast: zilch
Lunch: 10-calorie chicken soup
Dinner: 220-calorie frozen meal
So, that brings my total to 230, which will be AMAZING if I can achieve it. I honestly can't remember the last time I managed to get my intake so low. And after yesterday, it really feels do-able, you know? Like the 220-calorie frozen dinner is probably more food but less calories than the little canned hot dogs I had last night, and when I went to bed I had no cravings and wasn't hungry at all.
So, yay!
Oops, just realized I've been at work for 40 minutes and havent' done anything but comment and blog yet, so I need to get some stuff done, hehe.
Talk to you all soon!
Also: a Shoutout to Samantha, whose comment on my last entry totally made my day, and Dot, whose constant comments remind me why I do this. You girls rock hard! <3
Vee xox
Anyway, when I got home from work last night, I had a quick bite to eat and then immediately went upstairs to nap because I literally couldn't stand upright for another minute without falling over. I napped solidly from around 7 to 10, then woke up to get ready for bed (I would have just stayed in bed, but I HAD to get up to brush my teeth and get my retainer in - after all that pain and suffering I refuse to let my hard work be undone). It took a while to fall back to sleep though... and I slept kinda fitfully again. Although, I always do. I rarely ever sleep straight through for more than a couple of hours, and tend to wake up a thousand times during the night. At one point I also had a nightmare, but I can't really remember the specifics of it anymore. Except that at one part, my right ear was bleeding? No idea what that has to do with anything, really.
I'm getting off topic again, haha. Annyway, I remember waking up around 1 and realizing my cat wasn't on my bed, although the night before she went OUT at 1:30 so I wasn't too concerned. When I woke up just after 3 and she still wasn't in, though, I started worrying. My last cat was run over just outside our last house, my aunt's cat was hit by a car and lived, my aunt's previous cat was hit by a car and died, and two of our old neighbours' cats were run over and killed too. So, to say the very least, I AM PARANOID.
So I crept downstairs, intending to have a quick look outside to see if I could find her or call her in - but as soon as I got into the kitchen/dining room and looked at the door, I could see her little face peering at me through the catflap. I called to her and she meowed at me, but didn't come inside. So I pushed the cat-flap so it was open and she tucked her head and front paws part of the way through - then stopped. Then pulled back out and started meowing at me again. In the end, I had to unlock the back door and open it for her so she would come inside and go to bed. I have no idea what was up with her, she's never had an issue with the cat-flap before, but last night she refused to go through it *shrug*
But anyway, yesterday's restriction did the job. This morning I am exactly 2lbs lighter than I was yesterday morning, and that's put me in an amazing mood for the day. I'm still pretty tired, and the lack of food is making me slightly lightheaded at times, but it's worth it!
Today's plan is much like yesterday:
Breakfast: zilch
Lunch: 10-calorie chicken soup
Dinner: 220-calorie frozen meal
So, that brings my total to 230, which will be AMAZING if I can achieve it. I honestly can't remember the last time I managed to get my intake so low. And after yesterday, it really feels do-able, you know? Like the 220-calorie frozen dinner is probably more food but less calories than the little canned hot dogs I had last night, and when I went to bed I had no cravings and wasn't hungry at all.
So, yay!
Oops, just realized I've been at work for 40 minutes and havent' done anything but comment and blog yet, so I need to get some stuff done, hehe.
Talk to you all soon!
Also: a Shoutout to Samantha, whose comment on my last entry totally made my day, and Dot, whose constant comments remind me why I do this. You girls rock hard! <3
Vee xox
Monday 27 July 2009
Roundup!
Whoo, so today has wound up being a good day foodwise.
Lunch:
soup : 10 calories
Dinner:
6.5 canned hot dogs: 295 (I miscalculated before =[)
1 small of thin-sliced wholemeal bread: 50ish
Total for the day: approx 360 calories.
More than I'd originally thought it would be, but still decent, methinks =]
Fingers crossed the scale will reflect it tomorrow.
I'm going (back) to bed now so I'll talk to you all tomorrow
Vee xox
Lunch:
soup : 10 calories
Dinner:
6.5 canned hot dogs: 295 (I miscalculated before =[)
1 small of thin-sliced wholemeal bread: 50ish
Total for the day: approx 360 calories.
More than I'd originally thought it would be, but still decent, methinks =]
Fingers crossed the scale will reflect it tomorrow.
I'm going (back) to bed now so I'll talk to you all tomorrow
Vee xox
New Poll
Pretty basic and self-explanitory, really. This week's question is "What is an acceptible level of restriction to you?"
Answers ranging from Less Than 400 to Over 1200. Feel free, as always, to comment and expand upon your answer if you want =]
Answers ranging from Less Than 400 to Over 1200. Feel free, as always, to comment and expand upon your answer if you want =]
Poll Results
Just to keep a record =]
The question was: What part of your body are you the happiest with?
In trying to focus on the positive!
Face: 33% (5 votes)
Arms: 26% (4 votes)
Other: 20% (3 votes)
Bum: 13% (2 votes)
Breasts: 6% (1 vote)
Stomach: 0%
Legs: 0%
Tummy and legs seem to be everyone's problem area ^^ - to be honest, it's my most disliked body parts too.
The question was: What part of your body are you the happiest with?
In trying to focus on the positive!
Face: 33% (5 votes)
Arms: 26% (4 votes)
Other: 20% (3 votes)
Bum: 13% (2 votes)
Breasts: 6% (1 vote)
Stomach: 0%
Legs: 0%
Tummy and legs seem to be everyone's problem area ^^ - to be honest, it's my most disliked body parts too.
Also..
My motherfucking nails keep peeling and it is pissing me off. I've been using this nail strengthener gel for the past 6 weeks or so and they are STILL PEELING. The worst part is that it peels down below the nailbed so I can't just clip off the peeley part and let it grow back. I'm hacking them all off tonight and see what happens. God damn it.
I mean, I know this is due to a vitamin deficiency. Must remember to take vitamins...
I mean, I know this is due to a vitamin deficiency. Must remember to take vitamins...
On Shooting Yourself In The Foot
Damnit.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
3pm and all is well
The good news is that I've stuck to my guns so far. Lunch was a 10-calorie soup, so that's my total intake for the day as of right now. And the better news is that I'm not even hungry or tempted right now. Yay!
Bad news is that I am absolutely freezing. I've got a thin sweatshirt on with a thick-ish black cardigan over the top and I am so cold. My fingers are frigid and it's a little difficult to type since they're so stiff. I should be getting more green tea to drink to warm myself up, but the truth is, I don't want any. I don't want anything.
Which means I'll probably be ridiculously dehydrated by the morning. Damnit, I need to kick myself in the ass and go get lots to drink.
Starve On,
Vee xox
ps: I signed up for the latest Weight Loss Competition. I couldn't be bothered with all the points and rules and shit before, but it looks like they're doing a new one that is just to see "who can lose the most in the shortest amount of time". I mean there's no way I'd be even a weekly winner or anything, but at least it's some kind of motivation, participation, right? <3
Bad news is that I am absolutely freezing. I've got a thin sweatshirt on with a thick-ish black cardigan over the top and I am so cold. My fingers are frigid and it's a little difficult to type since they're so stiff. I should be getting more green tea to drink to warm myself up, but the truth is, I don't want any. I don't want anything.
Which means I'll probably be ridiculously dehydrated by the morning. Damnit, I need to kick myself in the ass and go get lots to drink.
Starve On,
Vee xox
ps: I signed up for the latest Weight Loss Competition. I couldn't be bothered with all the points and rules and shit before, but it looks like they're doing a new one that is just to see "who can lose the most in the shortest amount of time". I mean there's no way I'd be even a weekly winner or anything, but at least it's some kind of motivation, participation, right? <3
Monday Morning Misery
I hate Mondays. I know they aren’t exactly the more popular days to most people, but my GOD, do I hate them. I suppose I bring some of that on myself, since I tend to stay in bed late on the weekend which in turn screws up my already tenuous sleeping pattern, and then having to get up early for work is a living nightmare.
This morning was, of course, no exception.
Last night, after showering and doing my hair, I did a quick post to my blog and immediately went to bed. Not ten minutes later, my cat started clawing at the door so I had to let her out. Then back in again half an hour later. Then at 1:30 in the morning, she wanted to go out again so I had to drag myself out of bed to open my bedroom door yet again. By this time I’d dozed for maybe ten minutes.
In the end, I think I finally managed to fall asleep around 4ish, and even then my sleep was fitful. I remember waking up at least three times between 5 and 6, and then dozed restlessly on and off from 6:20 until my alarm went off at 6:45.
I woke up feeling like hell. A little uneasy and nauseous, dizzy, but mostly completely fucking exhausted. I dragged myself to the bathroom to get ready for work, but my aunt called me from her room and told me she wasn’t going to work today. Great. I mentioned in my last post that I have 3 hours to make up between today and tomorrow, on top of my usual 7 hours each day. So last night I asked my aunt what time she was leaving – I figured, if she was leaving early I’d go with her and get my morning ride to the bus stop, but if she was starting late, I’d get up half an hour earlier to ensure I’d still get to work before 8:30. So, my aunt telling me at the last minute that she wasn’t going to work today totally screwed up my plans. Instead of getting to work for 8:20 like I’d planned to, I got to my desk at 8:45, which means I have to stay until between 5:30 and 5:45 to make up the extra time (I need to calculate exactly what I need to make up, but either way it’s not good).
And of course, instead of taking this news and being able to hurry to get out the door sooner to make up time, I wound up having to spend 20 minutes on the toilet with an upset stomach. Ugh. No idea what caused that, probably just my body being pissed off that it didn’t get any sleep last night or something. But in the end I didn’t leave the house until 5 minutes AFTER I should have left with my aunt.
Halfway into my 20-minute walk to the bus stop, I suddenly realized I wasn’t sure whether or not I locked the door when I left. Of course by this time, I was pissed off and felt sick and didn’t give a damn, and there was no way in hell I was going to waste an extra 20 minutes walking home and back again just to check the door. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and it’s the back door that I used, so it should be fine… But I’m half expecting a bitchy text from one of my aunts around noon.
Also, my bread-binge did some damage, but not an immense amount. I’m up a pound this morning, but still down 1 overall from last Thursday morning. Which, in my opinion, is not nearly good enough, but at least I’m still down after having a bad weekend. To make up for it, I left my bag of grapes in the fridge at home – I have a 10 calorie chicken soup that I’m going to have for lunch instead (IF my stomach calms down enough to allow it. I just had a sip of green tea and it’s churning in my stomach like an ocean storm right now, oh god). When I get home I’ll either have… a frozen Shepherd’s Pie (220 calories) or a can of English cop-out fake hot dogs when I get home (I think for a whole can of 8 little hot dogs, it’s like 200 calories) so either way my total will be in a totally acceptable level and I should see another decent loss in the morning.
My room is like a glorified storage closet right now. And I know I’m not going to do a damn thing about it tonight, which is what I’d planned to do. Instead, I’m so damn tired, that I’m going to go home, eat something (hmm, or maybe skip food altogether and blame it on feeling sick), throw some laundry in the washing machine, and go to bed for the night.
Tomorrow I’ll try to do some organizing. I have two big bags of books, two boxes of godknowswhat, and a bag that has some stuffed animals and film cells and framed photos in it, that I need to find a home for. The books aren’t too bad, it’s the rest of it. Mental note, I need to get a shoe rack or something to put on the back of my door =/
Anyway, I should go get some work done. I really don’t want to be here, and in all honesty I probably should have just stayed at home today, but I have to make up these hours by the end of tomorrow, and I’m here now so I might as well persevere.
Still, I wonder if anyone would notice if I took a two-hour nap under my desk at lunchtime…?
This morning was, of course, no exception.
Last night, after showering and doing my hair, I did a quick post to my blog and immediately went to bed. Not ten minutes later, my cat started clawing at the door so I had to let her out. Then back in again half an hour later. Then at 1:30 in the morning, she wanted to go out again so I had to drag myself out of bed to open my bedroom door yet again. By this time I’d dozed for maybe ten minutes.
In the end, I think I finally managed to fall asleep around 4ish, and even then my sleep was fitful. I remember waking up at least three times between 5 and 6, and then dozed restlessly on and off from 6:20 until my alarm went off at 6:45.
I woke up feeling like hell. A little uneasy and nauseous, dizzy, but mostly completely fucking exhausted. I dragged myself to the bathroom to get ready for work, but my aunt called me from her room and told me she wasn’t going to work today. Great. I mentioned in my last post that I have 3 hours to make up between today and tomorrow, on top of my usual 7 hours each day. So last night I asked my aunt what time she was leaving – I figured, if she was leaving early I’d go with her and get my morning ride to the bus stop, but if she was starting late, I’d get up half an hour earlier to ensure I’d still get to work before 8:30. So, my aunt telling me at the last minute that she wasn’t going to work today totally screwed up my plans. Instead of getting to work for 8:20 like I’d planned to, I got to my desk at 8:45, which means I have to stay until between 5:30 and 5:45 to make up the extra time (I need to calculate exactly what I need to make up, but either way it’s not good).
And of course, instead of taking this news and being able to hurry to get out the door sooner to make up time, I wound up having to spend 20 minutes on the toilet with an upset stomach. Ugh. No idea what caused that, probably just my body being pissed off that it didn’t get any sleep last night or something. But in the end I didn’t leave the house until 5 minutes AFTER I should have left with my aunt.
Halfway into my 20-minute walk to the bus stop, I suddenly realized I wasn’t sure whether or not I locked the door when I left. Of course by this time, I was pissed off and felt sick and didn’t give a damn, and there was no way in hell I was going to waste an extra 20 minutes walking home and back again just to check the door. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and it’s the back door that I used, so it should be fine… But I’m half expecting a bitchy text from one of my aunts around noon.
Also, my bread-binge did some damage, but not an immense amount. I’m up a pound this morning, but still down 1 overall from last Thursday morning. Which, in my opinion, is not nearly good enough, but at least I’m still down after having a bad weekend. To make up for it, I left my bag of grapes in the fridge at home – I have a 10 calorie chicken soup that I’m going to have for lunch instead (IF my stomach calms down enough to allow it. I just had a sip of green tea and it’s churning in my stomach like an ocean storm right now, oh god). When I get home I’ll either have… a frozen Shepherd’s Pie (220 calories) or a can of English cop-out fake hot dogs when I get home (I think for a whole can of 8 little hot dogs, it’s like 200 calories) so either way my total will be in a totally acceptable level and I should see another decent loss in the morning.
My room is like a glorified storage closet right now. And I know I’m not going to do a damn thing about it tonight, which is what I’d planned to do. Instead, I’m so damn tired, that I’m going to go home, eat something (hmm, or maybe skip food altogether and blame it on feeling sick), throw some laundry in the washing machine, and go to bed for the night.
Tomorrow I’ll try to do some organizing. I have two big bags of books, two boxes of godknowswhat, and a bag that has some stuffed animals and film cells and framed photos in it, that I need to find a home for. The books aren’t too bad, it’s the rest of it. Mental note, I need to get a shoe rack or something to put on the back of my door =/
Anyway, I should go get some work done. I really don’t want to be here, and in all honesty I probably should have just stayed at home today, but I have to make up these hours by the end of tomorrow, and I’m here now so I might as well persevere.
Still, I wonder if anyone would notice if I took a two-hour nap under my desk at lunchtime…?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
