Bleh

I'm a bit all over the place right now, which is why I haven't commented back to most comments yet, and for that I apologise. I will get around to it tonight, I promise. I always feel like such a flake when I don't reply back right away. Which is another reason why I'm going to stick to replying to comments within my/your comments instead of doing comment posts... because I tend to post more than once a day and don't comment back every day (like I should) it gets a little mixed up and convoluted... So, comments will remain in-comments.

I will reply to every one (eventually) so if I haven't commented on your blog, it'll be in my own comments <3

Anyway, as to my "all over the place". It's so weird, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and a manic episode at the same time. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm ready to burst out of myself, like my inside is thrumming and giddy and trembling with anticipation. Anticipation for what, I have no idea, since nearly everything is shit-tastic right now.

I feel excited and ridiculously depressed at the same time. And I realize that makes no sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm going to burst out into a hysterical giggling fit at any given moment, yet at the same time I still feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going crazy.

How is it possible to be pissed off and depressed, and yet still be in a quazi-good mood? Once again, my own physiology confuses me. I bet I'd be a prize subject for science to study.

Bleh, I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I just feel like there's so much in my life that is a mess and that I need to work on and improve, but I don't know where to start and I'm not even sure I have the motivation to do it. Take, for example, my impending trip back over the Atlantic.

On the one hand, I'm looking forward to visiting Canada. Mostly, I'm looking forward to shopping at Sephora and getting some REAL cowboy boots (which, by my research, will cost between $150-200, by the way), and seeing a couple of friends and my mom and brother and sister and nephew. I'm looking forward to having some time off work.

But I'm not looking forward to seeing friends at the same time. Because I'm huge. The last time I went to Canada was just over three years ago, and I was about 10lbs lighter than I am now. The past couple of months my weight has exploded and I'm struggling to get it back under control. My two-week personal challenge started off great, dropping 1.4lbs in the first 24 hours. But then on the weekend, I didn't lose at all, and last night I managed to GAIN half a pound back, due to snacking on ritz crackers and peanut butter.

I fail. At everything.

Because the worst part is that I'm looking forward to Canadian food, like poutine and my mom's beef dip. I know I'm going to have to restrict and be very careful if I want to NOT gain anything while I'm there, but it's going to be so hard not to binge. Luckily I'm bringing my laptop with me and will be able to check in every day, and having to post stats here will be more likely to keep me under control.

That, and the fact that money I don't spend on eating out can be spent on that MUFE HD Foundation I want so badly instead, and a new pair of leather, four-inch block-heeled rubber(ish?) soled boots!

Which brings me to an aside, in that a lot of England's footwear sucks. Don't get me wrong, Schuh sells some amazing stilettos and hooker-heels and skater-shoes and Rocket Dog flats. But boots. I love me some heeled leather boots. When I lived in Canada I had a nice pair that had a block-heel with rubber soles that had a decent level of gripping in there, and were perfect for trudging through the snow and stopping my clumsy ass from breaking my face on the ice all over the place in the winter. But when I finally had to get rid of them, I was never able to find a decent substitute. The only decent pair of boots I have right now are some leather Hush Puppies with a heel, but they are in no way suitable for wear during winter and in ice.

So anyway. I need to not eat so that I can instead shop. Which is true for my day-to-day life also, to be fair.

Also, I'm in a kind of antisocial period right now. I don't know why but I've been slacking on my email and IM correspondence with friends back home, and little things are really getting under my skin. I can only assume it's because I'm depressed at my physical situation, and the fact that I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER now that I've paid my trip to Cancun on my credit card. Oh GOD, I really, really, need to lose all this lard before I go to Mexico..

It's weird, after writing all of this I feel a little bit more placcid. I still feel that shakiness inside but it's not AS bad. I feel more like... I CAN get control of myself.

Which brings me to today's plan.

Two 10-calorie soups.

That is it. It's 11:45 in the morning right now, and around 1 I think I'll go get some hot water for the first one. Second one when I get home.

And. AND. Tomorrow I am planning a fast-day =] My aunts will be at their "Fat Club" when I get home, and shouldn't be home until around 8, at which point I can hop in the shower and spend the rest of the night taming my wild tresses and go straight to bed. I haven't done a fast day in SO long, so tomorrow will be it!

Fingers crossed these two days will get my weight-loss jumpstarted again.

Also, I really need to start working out. I've been so lazy lately, but I still haven't been sleeping so it's been hard to find any energy reserves at all to do anything.

Thanks for listening darlings. I love you all!

<3