Ramblings

So. I’m not thinking that I’m going to reach the goal by Friday. After the weekend I’ve lost a total of 5lbs, and have managed to lose exactly nothing since yesterday. Even if I could miraculously lose a pound today and tomorrow, it still only brings my total loss to 7lbs, which is only 2/3 of the way there.

On the one hand, I’m pissed off with myself. I should have done what it took instead of giving in and going out with friends and family to eat, to places where there was basically nothing “safe” on the menu. That I should have done more exercise in spite of the fact that I am exhausted all the time already. That this? This is not good enough.

But on the other hand, at least I’ve made progress. 5lbs in two weeks is still more than is considered “normal” and at least it’s five whole pounds that were there two weeks ago that now are not.

Going to Canada is going to be hard. It’s going to be hard to restrict, or indeed just to keep myself from bingeing the entire time I’m there. But the way I’m trying to look at it is that those two weeks are a grace period. I’m not allowed to be a bingey monster, but I can’t expect myself to stick to a 300-calorie a day “diet” while I’m there either. But when I get back, this shit is getting kicked up into high gear, and I will do what it takes to achieve an acceptable level of weight loss before I’m bathing-suit-bound in December.

So, unrelated to that (or maybe related, in a roundabout way), I’ve been feeling horrible lately. Not really sick per se. I think I’m in the process of entering a depressed period right now, and if what I’m suspecting is true, then it could be either good or bad that I’m going away for a couple of weeks now.

I’ve been feeling really antisocial lately. I want to cancel all of my plans because I can’t be bothered, even though I DO want to see S and L every weekend. I go to work all day and when I get home I usually make something to eat while talking to my aunt and/or her partner, go up to my bedroom to eat, watch tv or blog for a while, then sometimes have a nap. Then I shower and go to bed. So exciting.

I feel guilty for being antisocial, for holing myself up in my room and having to force myself to make a conscious effort to hang out with my aunts. But then when I do, I don’t see the point either. I’ll go downstairs to talk to them and get shushed by my aunt because she’s trying to watch tv. Or she’ll be on her own computer or my granny’s borrowed laptop playing farming games on Facebook all night. Very little actual conversation happens anyway. So I retreat back to my room for some quiet solitude.

I’m tired ALL the time. Which I know you already know, but for the amount of time I spend in bed when I can, I should not be this tired. Right now I’m physically exhausted and am having a hard time not passing out at my desk. And when I get on my bus home, I always have to fight not to fall asleep. In spite of my insomnia waking me up a thousand times in the night, I still try to go to bed in time to have eight solid hours in bed (though not necessarily asleep), and yet I often find it necessary to nap for up to three hours after work, and even then I usually don’t want to get up.

The smallest things are irritating me and last night when my aunt was joking with me, it was just pissing me off instead.

I know everyone irritates everyone sometimes, that although my aunt is my best friend and I love her more than maybe anyone else in this world, she sometimes winds me up. But last night she cracked a joke and I just wanted to tell her to get out of my room, which isn’t like me.

So maybe I do need some time away, to regroup and just not be around her all the time I guess. To be in a different place around different people for a while maybe.

On the other hand, it could wind up being the worst thing I’ve ever done. Last time I went to Canada, I couldn’t wait to come home. I cried every night the first week I was there and just wanted to leave. And then even when my ex had come to join me and meet my family and see my hometown, my stepdad was still kicking off about every little fucking thing.

So yeah, I have mixed feelings. I just don’t want to feel like this. Like I’m withdrawing into myself, which is NOT what I want to be doing. I want to be me, not the antisocial zombie asleep upstairs at 4 in the afternoon. I need a good kick in head and to stop being such a whiney little douchebag.