Tuesday, 5 May 2009

I'm such an ass

I feel like a jerk. All I ever write about is how much people irritate me, and that always seems to centre upon my aunts. Which is probably because I live with them and they're the people I have the most contact with but still, it isn't fair. Yes, things they do annoy me, but I am a very easy person to annoy. And I feel like such a fucking asshole for bitching about them. My aunt, especially.

I want to go back and delete my last post because it's not fair, but then I remind myself; it's bitchy, but it's true. My aunt talks through movies and that annoys me. I have a right to be annoyed, don't I? So why do I feel so guilty for writing it? As if she would ever read it anyway.

I feel guilty AS I write those kinds of things but after the fact the guilt is always more pronounced. The truth is, my aunt is my best friend and probably the one person I love the most in the world. She annoys me probably because she has the most OPPOURTUNITY to do so. Though my grandmother winds me up everytime I see her, which is like once or twice a week, and after ten minutes I kind of want to kill myself. I love her too, but god...


So I just had a missed call from my aunt and then a text.

I think I mentioned before that she had her preop last Thursday. That included taking 4 vials of blood for various tests, and on Friday evening we had a message on our answering machine asking her to go in because they had to redo one of the tests. My aunt stressed about it all weekend but I was convinced it was probably just a high white blood cell count, as she thinks she has an ear infection.

But, the text said that there may be a problem with her liver, she had her blood taken and the nurse told her that her "liver function test came back abnormal" but had no more information. So she's calling her doctor this morning to try and get her to call back when she has time later to talk about it and what they could potentially mean. My aunt is the kind of person to make a mountain out of a molehill (I get that trait from her =/) and something tiny becomes a constant source of stress. So something like this, a potential problem with her liver, well, I can only imagine what's going through her head right now. I called her back to make sure she was ok and see if there was anything else, but she had no more details. She's taken today off work and is heading home now.

So I'm hoping all comes back okay, or that any issues are easily treated, and that this does not stop her getting her weight loss surgery. However much I may disagree with weight loss surgery and look upon it with a certain level of distain, it's something that I can admit she does need. She doesn't have the will power to just stop. And she NEEDS to lose the weight because it is imposing a very serious risk on her health. But most of all because her self-image and self-confidence are both extremely low, and these things only work in favour of her depression and are just another nudge in her constant spiral down to self-harming and suicide attempts.

So... we won't find out for a few days, hopefully they push it through fast (my aunts leave for Spain on Saturday morning) so she'll get it sooner rather than later. And I hope she's okay.

Mostly though, I feel like a fucking jerk.


PrettyWreck said...

We all need to rant. It's nto about being an ass, it's about getting it out so you don't take it out on them. I get that way with people I love from time to time, until I want to hit even the people I'm closest with because they can't pull their damn heads out of their asses.

I hope everything goes okay with her. If it's the liver, it could also be as simple as something as insulin, right?

If she really wants weight loss surgery to work, it's not just losing the weight, but also getting away from the badfoods. I remember you saying something about that--they need to do a HUGE life change.

I hope everything turns out well, and don't feel like a jerk. You're allowed your feelings. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Vee said...

Thanks for that, I think I needed it.

Although I realize I am a moody bitchface about 75% of the time, I'm also cursed with an empathetic streak that drives me up the wall. I rant and then I think, how would she feel if she read that? How would *I* feel if she wrote something like that about me? And hence the assholefeeling.

You are right though, it's better than taking it out on her and getting into a fight over nothing.

The insulin thing is a good point that I had thought of in passing. She's prediabetic, has been on some kind of diabetic prescription drug (not insulin injections, something else that I do not remember) and suffers from hypoglycaemia I think. So, insulin would make sense, her doctors told her a while back that she was at a huge risk to get diabetes in the next few years if she didn't shift the weight. Which is why it's so important she does it now.

I'm trying to be positive with the weight loss surgery. It will HELP her but it is not a solution in and of itself and I hope she is strong enough to avoid bingeing and stretching her stomach out again, such that the entire thing is reversed. Time will tell. I hope she has it in her though because this is about health ramifications more than about aesthetics. Sigh.

The thing is, I know my aunt likes all the wrong foods so while I am hoping and will urge her forward in the right direction (haha, leading by example?) I know full well it could end badly. We'll see.

Anyway. Thank you. You rock. xx

Pasco said...

Hey Vee,

Thought I'd toss up a bit of reassurance as the friendly local almost-doctor. Pre-op testing generally includes "LFTs" (liver functions tests) which measure 5 or 6 enzymes and other chemicals produced by the liver.

Various things can thrown them out of whack, such as alcohol, common viral infections, inflammation elsewhere in the body, bone problems... almost anything!

It is quite common for there to be some slight abnormalities in some of the markers without there being too much cause for concern. I'm sure they're just being extra cautious and double checking :)

Pasco x

Vee said...

Hey Pasco. Thank you. That is just the information I need to help myself calm down. The infections/inflammation thing is probably it - for several days before her blood was taken, my aunt had been complaining of a pain in her ear and thinking she's got another ear infection (she got a lot of pretty serious ear infections last year and said it felt the same) so I'm hoping it's just that that threw things out of whack.

The problem is, when she went to have more blood taken this morning, she did not see her doctor and did not therefore have anyone look in her ear to tell her whether she's got an ear infection and to therefore treat her for it. So now, of course, if that IS the problem, the second test will come back abnormal again, which is dumb and she should have just had it all dealt with at once.

I will definitely pass this information onto her though because I think it will definitely calm her down a little - and maybe finally get her to get some antibiotics for the infection before she damages her inner ear =P

Thanks again, doll =]