Wednesday, 6 May 2009

I Have No Idea...

...what I weigh today.

After yesterday's badness, I decided to not weigh in today because the numbers would just depress me. Especially since, my stomach itself feels empty and hollow and hungry, but the rest of my digestive system feels crammed full and bloated. I can just imagine ugh >.<

So no scales for me today.

I'm going to try so hard to behave today. What I want to do is nibble on some grapes at work and then go home and have lettuce soup. But I have no idea whether or not my aunts have some dumb meal planned again. I know they were going to make southern-fried-chicken wraps one night but I'm hoping its not tonight.

Why are they all of a sudden deciding to cook? When they know I'm trying to lose weight and would much rather not stuff 600+ calories worth of "real food" into myself at night.

Besides, yesterday was a really bad day. That horrifically horrible cottage pie at work. Then Shepherd's Pie at home (although we didn't have a packet of the sauce mix they usually use, so it was just normal gravy which probably saved me a few calories but not a large amount) and then I gave in and had an (admittedly small) slice of my aunt's Bakewell Tart-Thing.

And it was disgusting.

I went and did some of my Japanese course for half an hour before getting into bed. I was so tired I completely forgot to take off my makeup last night, and didn't even realize it until I was all crusty-panda-eyes this morning. Those who know me know that I'm pretty anal about my skincare and makeup and ALWAYS take it off at night because... well, I'm anal-retentive. So, that speaks for how worn out I was yesterday.

This morning I have a headache and feel like I haven't slept at all. My eyes feel puffy and a little swollen. I've taken some paracetimol but I still don't have any migraine meds so I'm probably going to be majorly screwed in a couple hours.


I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body. I can restrict for several days and barely feel hungry at all, but I fucking binge like the huge pig that I am, and the next morning, before the food's even been digested, my stomach is screaming at me for something to eat.

I have eaten one grape so far. And however much I am completely CRAVING a big sausage sandwich, I am not going to cave today.

My grapes, they are good enough. And I am going to savor this hungry feeling. I will feel myself starving, and I will like it. Eat my fat away, go ahead, I beg you to do it.

In somewhat more serious news, when I got home last night my aunt's doctor HAD called her - though probably only because my aunt's partner J went to the doctor's office and demanded that she call (and then had to drop a passenger off at the office where my aunt's therapist works and popped in to see her secretary. Apparently the therapist is back in work today after being off for six weeks and J has left a message asking her to call my aunt and set up an appointment so she can see her before they go on vacation. My aunt is not at a very good point right now and when she doesn't see her fucking retarded, unreliable therapist, it gets even worse).

Anyway the doctor said she thinks that her enzyme levels were all out of whack because of... well, something to do with when she had her gallbladder removed late last year. My aunt has said that sometimes when she eats certain foods she still gets a dull ache where she used to have full-blown gallbladder attacks so bad that she thought she was having a heart attack and dying, so she thinks that the surgeon left a little of the tube in there and it's still reacting. If that's the case and it IS something like that whacking up her enzyme levels, the doctor said it WILL Delay her gastic bypass surgery.

My aunt is all depressed and was sobbing yesterday over it. She said she needs to have it done before we go to Mexico because, and I quote "I refuse to go to Cancun like THIS!"

I wanted to say she could join me on my diet. I'll make her fruit salads or healthy brown-bread sandwiches for lunch and she can start having weight watcher's frozen meals for dinner, or lettuce soup ;], and a fat free yogurt for dessert. I mean I realize that's not what I'M doing or anything but I could quite easily help HER diet "properly" if that's really what she wanted to do.

The problem is, it's not.

So, we'll see. She should hopefully get the blood work back this week and go from there.

We're also definitely moving at the beginning of June, which is going to be pretty damn hard if nobody gets any boxes. We have none and we've got nearly a whole house to pack up. If all goes according to plan and my book case and computer desk go in the spare bedroom, I'll have extra room in my bedroom and I'm going to see about having my aunt's treadmill set up in there. There's no point bringing it up to my room now if we're moving in a few weeks, and there isn't room anyway because my room is so small. And if she keeps saying she can't be bothered bringing it up to my room once we move, well then, I'll just buy my own damn treadmill or cross-trainer and have the delivery men bring it up for me =P

Mmm, I just need to say: rarely have grapes ever tasted as good as these. Eating healthy on an empty, starving stomach, makes it taste so much better.

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