I've changed the comments on here, after all the issues we had this week. Comment form is no longer embedded, I've changed it to a pop up window. Myself and others have had problems leaving comments on the embedded form... sometimes it takes four or more clicks before it finally posts the damn thing.
I also removed the word verification requirement, since that was one major thing stopping comments this way. If there are any issues with either of these, let me know and I'll change them again. Hopefully though, this will make it easier on all of us.
Friday, 27 February 2009
The Update That Wasn't
I started writing a blog entry about how I feel really restless today. About how yesterday was such a productive day, but today is crap even though it’s busy. Blah blah blah.
And now, I’m just annoyed. We just had a small meeting to do “awards”. Basically if someone does something great and you want them to get some recognition for it, we do Stars. People get little card stars that have the thing written on it and who it’s from and you can stick them on your computer or whatever. I don’t, because it’s lame and they’re shit. BUT, these count toward Star of the Month – whoever gets the most Stars or Nominations in the team, gets an extra half-day holiday for free. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s only February and I only have 2.5 holidays left to last me until the beginning of June. I will take all the days off I can get.
People got a bunch of stars for “giving positive feedback to such and such” and basically doing their Fing job. My friend got one for “Always staying until 5 to cover phones so most of the team can leave at 4.”
Well, considering he gives me a ride home EVERY DAY, you would think I’d get one too. No. I left early this week only, because I’m so far up on my hours at work that I won’t be able to carry them over to next month if I work any more extra time. But I get no recognition for that. Nobody’s every said anything about the fact that I did amazing in my training when they trained me to help out this other team. About how fast I got signed off on it and what great feedback I got from my trainer. About how I’ve been busting my ass to close a ton of work every day and that my effectiveness according to our system is always over 120%. About how, even though I’m doing all of this, I’m still spending two hours a day – working through my lunch hour – to do some extra work for my team. About the training I’ve been doing, the training notes I spent all morning yesterday putting together.
No, I got one nomination for coming in when it had snowed copious amounts overnight and only me and two other people bothered to show up. That’s it.
If people are going to get recognition and days off for things that are basic like “giving feedback to offshore team” or “answering my question about a recommencement” or “helping me out with a telephone query from a policy holder”, why do I get absolutely nothing for all the extra work I do every day?
It’s just not fucking worth it. I’m pissed off right now. Even though I said “I stay late every day, this week is the first time I’ve left early since before Christmas” it was just laughed off. Yet he gets a fucking star nomination for it, and I’m pretty sure that one extra meant he got the extra half day.
I’m such a fucking sore loser. But damnit, you’d be pissed too.
And now, I’m just annoyed. We just had a small meeting to do “awards”. Basically if someone does something great and you want them to get some recognition for it, we do Stars. People get little card stars that have the thing written on it and who it’s from and you can stick them on your computer or whatever. I don’t, because it’s lame and they’re shit. BUT, these count toward Star of the Month – whoever gets the most Stars or Nominations in the team, gets an extra half-day holiday for free. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s only February and I only have 2.5 holidays left to last me until the beginning of June. I will take all the days off I can get.
People got a bunch of stars for “giving positive feedback to such and such” and basically doing their Fing job. My friend got one for “Always staying until 5 to cover phones so most of the team can leave at 4.”
Well, considering he gives me a ride home EVERY DAY, you would think I’d get one too. No. I left early this week only, because I’m so far up on my hours at work that I won’t be able to carry them over to next month if I work any more extra time. But I get no recognition for that. Nobody’s every said anything about the fact that I did amazing in my training when they trained me to help out this other team. About how fast I got signed off on it and what great feedback I got from my trainer. About how I’ve been busting my ass to close a ton of work every day and that my effectiveness according to our system is always over 120%. About how, even though I’m doing all of this, I’m still spending two hours a day – working through my lunch hour – to do some extra work for my team. About the training I’ve been doing, the training notes I spent all morning yesterday putting together.
No, I got one nomination for coming in when it had snowed copious amounts overnight and only me and two other people bothered to show up. That’s it.
If people are going to get recognition and days off for things that are basic like “giving feedback to offshore team” or “answering my question about a recommencement” or “helping me out with a telephone query from a policy holder”, why do I get absolutely nothing for all the extra work I do every day?
It’s just not fucking worth it. I’m pissed off right now. Even though I said “I stay late every day, this week is the first time I’ve left early since before Christmas” it was just laughed off. Yet he gets a fucking star nomination for it, and I’m pretty sure that one extra meant he got the extra half day.
I’m such a fucking sore loser. But damnit, you’d be pissed too.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
However
Do not lend cook books to people at work, because you will get them back with greasy fingerprints and bits of food on them.
Sigh.
Sigh.
A rare good day
Yes, after days and days of feeling like an absolute bag of shit, today is a thankfully good day.
First, I went to bed last night at 9pm. Yeah. I've been so drained lately and with my insomnia rearing it's ugly head with more force than usual, I've been trying to get to bed super early. My reasoning was "the more time spent in bed, the more oppourtunity I have to get a total of a few hours' sleep over the course of the night". For the most part, this has been a total bust. But last night it seemed to work.
I also got to stay in bed an extra hour this morning whoo! Eleven hours in bed sounds like a lot, but I probably slept five or so. And I woke up with a headache, but this is still the best I have felt in a while. I immediately went to weigh myself. The bad news is, I haven't lost. The good news is, even though I probably had too much humous last night, I didn't gain either. I'm exactly the same today as I was yesterday, down to the tenth-of-a-pound. So I can't really complain.
Getting ready for work was leisurely to a degree, or at the very least, wasn't rushed. Normally I'm rushing around to be ready to walk out the door at exactly 7:30 in the morning, but since I wasn't keeping to someone else's schedule today, it wasn't so frantic.
Back in January, I bought a top online. A white and red gingham bodice type top, with a halter neck, made from a fitted, boned vintage 1950s pattern. When it came, I tried it on, and physically couldn't do it up. I had to get my aunt to yank up the zipper, and it just was not happening. We finally got it closed but it was super tight and looked horrendous.
Well, on a whim I got it out this morning and managed to get it zipped up with no problems! It's still a little tight near the bottom around the upper hip area, but it fits aside from that and looks great. I just put a thin white hoodie on over the top and zipped it up halfway to cover the very bottom bit. It looks fabulous. I'm even going braless with it on, even though I have those kind of breasts that should never, ever, go anywhere but bed and the shower without some manner of underwire (I'm naturally top-heavy, and these puppies are not the perkiest in the land, unfortunately. I've thought long and hard about a breast lift, but... I can't even afford a £450 deposit on my own apartment, there's no way I can afford cosmetic surgery).
Anyway, I feel gorgeous today. This top, because it's fitted and boned, accentuates my waist and makes it look smaller, which is awesome. I'm still huge, but I feel pretty, and not as horrendous as I usuallydo. Which is, to quote Martha Stewart, a good thing.
I've been really productive today too, considering I'm only working 6.25 hours today as opposed to the 8.5+ I usually work. Already I've compiled two full sets of complicated training notes and sent out two other pieces of work I had to do for another team. I've got another one or two sets of training notes to do, plus about four or five letters to write and send out for the other team. And even though I'm leaving in three and a half hours, I'm confident it'll get done. Whoo, this is awesome. Also, the training notes I've written are very easy to understand and awesome. The notes we usually get from the training team are usually HORRIBLE COMPLICATED and make the easiest work look like rocket science. So I wrote my own instead and I'm very damn pleased with myself.
Today is a 100 day, and my food plan is to have some stock "soup" and a pot of 10cal sugarfree jello. Mmm. I felt kind of faint and out of it this morning, which is a good thing. I love this feeling. Right now I've got a tonn of energy, though. I can't sit still. Yay, extra calorie expenditure!
Also, I tried a new green tea - with jasmine as opposed to "just" green tea on its own. And I love it. It's got a slightly different taste and seems much sweeter to me. I love it. You should try it.
First, I went to bed last night at 9pm. Yeah. I've been so drained lately and with my insomnia rearing it's ugly head with more force than usual, I've been trying to get to bed super early. My reasoning was "the more time spent in bed, the more oppourtunity I have to get a total of a few hours' sleep over the course of the night". For the most part, this has been a total bust. But last night it seemed to work.
I also got to stay in bed an extra hour this morning whoo! Eleven hours in bed sounds like a lot, but I probably slept five or so. And I woke up with a headache, but this is still the best I have felt in a while. I immediately went to weigh myself. The bad news is, I haven't lost. The good news is, even though I probably had too much humous last night, I didn't gain either. I'm exactly the same today as I was yesterday, down to the tenth-of-a-pound. So I can't really complain.
Getting ready for work was leisurely to a degree, or at the very least, wasn't rushed. Normally I'm rushing around to be ready to walk out the door at exactly 7:30 in the morning, but since I wasn't keeping to someone else's schedule today, it wasn't so frantic.
Back in January, I bought a top online. A white and red gingham bodice type top, with a halter neck, made from a fitted, boned vintage 1950s pattern. When it came, I tried it on, and physically couldn't do it up. I had to get my aunt to yank up the zipper, and it just was not happening. We finally got it closed but it was super tight and looked horrendous.
Well, on a whim I got it out this morning and managed to get it zipped up with no problems! It's still a little tight near the bottom around the upper hip area, but it fits aside from that and looks great. I just put a thin white hoodie on over the top and zipped it up halfway to cover the very bottom bit. It looks fabulous. I'm even going braless with it on, even though I have those kind of breasts that should never, ever, go anywhere but bed and the shower without some manner of underwire (I'm naturally top-heavy, and these puppies are not the perkiest in the land, unfortunately. I've thought long and hard about a breast lift, but... I can't even afford a £450 deposit on my own apartment, there's no way I can afford cosmetic surgery).
Anyway, I feel gorgeous today. This top, because it's fitted and boned, accentuates my waist and makes it look smaller, which is awesome. I'm still huge, but I feel pretty, and not as horrendous as I usuallydo. Which is, to quote Martha Stewart, a good thing.
I've been really productive today too, considering I'm only working 6.25 hours today as opposed to the 8.5+ I usually work. Already I've compiled two full sets of complicated training notes and sent out two other pieces of work I had to do for another team. I've got another one or two sets of training notes to do, plus about four or five letters to write and send out for the other team. And even though I'm leaving in three and a half hours, I'm confident it'll get done. Whoo, this is awesome. Also, the training notes I've written are very easy to understand and awesome. The notes we usually get from the training team are usually HORRIBLE COMPLICATED and make the easiest work look like rocket science. So I wrote my own instead and I'm very damn pleased with myself.
Today is a 100 day, and my food plan is to have some stock "soup" and a pot of 10cal sugarfree jello. Mmm. I felt kind of faint and out of it this morning, which is a good thing. I love this feeling. Right now I've got a tonn of energy, though. I can't sit still. Yay, extra calorie expenditure!
Also, I tried a new green tea - with jasmine as opposed to "just" green tea on its own. And I love it. It's got a slightly different taste and seems much sweeter to me. I love it. You should try it.
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Aggravation
I hope this stupid website sorts itself out soon. I'm getting fed up of trying to comment on blogs, only for the stupid word verification thing to decide not to load. Thanks, Blogger. Really.
So far so good
After whining and bitching this morning, I have to update to say that so far things are going okay. I've eaten exactly nothing, and have had one cup of strawberry tea and half a cup of water. Which means that this headache I'm getting is likely the result of dehydration, which doesn't surprise me. I'm so crap at trying to keep my body hydrated. The water cooler at work gives me heartburn for some reason, so I usually wind up avoiding it without realizing that I'm even doing it. I'll need to start filling my water bottle and keeping it on my desk and aiming to down the whole thing. As it is right now I just wind up with a million cups of water, that are ignored once they get warm. I don't aim for anything. But if I aim to drink my adorable water bottle full of water at least twice a day, I'll probably be in a much better position. I mean, to be perfectly honest, dehydration could be one reason I've been feeling so shitty and tired lately too. Well, moreso than usual I mean =P
Ugh. I hate the sound that my nylon-blend trousers make when I walk and my thighs rub together. It makes me want to walk bow-legged just so I - and other people! - don't have to hear it.
And I'm getting swiftly fed up with my Urban Decay eyeshadows. The glitter in that shit just gets every-fucking-where. My gold and reddish-brown and bright green are amazing and I love them (I don't have them here I don't know colours) but I've got some purple and pink on today and both are glitter, and now I have glitter all the fuck over my face.
I was going to write about how I wasn't in such a bad mood today, despite a rocky start. About how, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just now when I walked into the toilet, and how my hair looks amazing and while I'm still a huge lard, at least I'm pretty. But then I looked closer. And quickly changed my mind. I look like the walking dead, even with makeup. My dark circles from not sleeping are peering through my concealer and foundation. I just look... drained and sallow and horrible. Sigh. At least I have nice fingernails. That's about the only self-compliment I can come up with right now. And I'm trying to positively reinforce myself. And it just isn't working.
Whatever.
In spite of not eating, my stomach didn't start telling me it was hungry until maybe twenty minutes ago - 2 in the afternoon. Which is good and bad. Good because, if I'm not hungry, there's no reason at all for me to be eating in the morning to begin with. Bad because, my body isn't going to devour my fat reserves if it isn't hungry in the first place.
All that said, I'm actually NOT in as horrible a mood today as I was yesterday. I'm still totally fucking exhausted, and I'm still feeling pretty antisocial. But I'm not QUITE as pissed off with everyone as I was. Even though I look like hell =]
Going "grocery" shopping tonight after work. I need to figure out what I need to buy. Maybe some raw veggies to have with a low-cal dip of some description. I don't know. I always buy fruit and then wind up realizing "There are too many calories in this banana and if I eat it I can't have XYZ later, so I'm going to skip the banana and have XYZ when I get home instead" and the fruit winds up going off. I need to stop doing that. I need to start planning ahead.
Tomorrow will be a 200 day. I'm going to have an apple (55) for "breakfast" and maybe a banana (104) for lunch, which leaves me with a small salad for dinner after work.
OR something. I'm so horrible at planning, I doubt any of the above will actually transpire.
The past few days I've been craving Oriental food. All weekend and yesterday it was rice. I almost went home last night to make sushi rice in my rice cooker when I got home, just to devour on its own. But then I thought twice and decided that there was no way I could figure out how to get 100 calories of rice.
Today it's Ramen. I was online looking at a Japanese store that sells the brand of Ramen I used to love and adore in Canada. My favourite brand of ramen ever. I was going to buy some but then I thought... one package of Sapporo Ichiban ramen soup contains around 400 calories. Which means I could have it two days of the week (Saturday is 400, Sunday is 500), but it would have to be the only thing I ate. Which is okay, but it depends on whether I have the discipline. Sigh, I don't know, I'll probably buy some and keep it in reserve. I think I have a package at home still, but I'm not going to touch it until the weekend. I am NOT fucking this up. Especially not after gaining a pound and a half after Day One.
Oh god, that reminds me, I think I'm supposed to be going to a Chinese Buffet on Monday with my aunts and a load of friends. Dude might be there too, I don't know. Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Our friends tried to invite him to their place when we went over on Saturday night but he didn't answer his phone. Hm.
Anyway, I need to finish two more hours of work, and then I can go HOME!
Love you,
Vee xxxx
Ugh. I hate the sound that my nylon-blend trousers make when I walk and my thighs rub together. It makes me want to walk bow-legged just so I - and other people! - don't have to hear it.
And I'm getting swiftly fed up with my Urban Decay eyeshadows. The glitter in that shit just gets every-fucking-where. My gold and reddish-brown and bright green are amazing and I love them (I don't have them here I don't know colours) but I've got some purple and pink on today and both are glitter, and now I have glitter all the fuck over my face.
I was going to write about how I wasn't in such a bad mood today, despite a rocky start. About how, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just now when I walked into the toilet, and how my hair looks amazing and while I'm still a huge lard, at least I'm pretty. But then I looked closer. And quickly changed my mind. I look like the walking dead, even with makeup. My dark circles from not sleeping are peering through my concealer and foundation. I just look... drained and sallow and horrible. Sigh. At least I have nice fingernails. That's about the only self-compliment I can come up with right now. And I'm trying to positively reinforce myself. And it just isn't working.
Whatever.
In spite of not eating, my stomach didn't start telling me it was hungry until maybe twenty minutes ago - 2 in the afternoon. Which is good and bad. Good because, if I'm not hungry, there's no reason at all for me to be eating in the morning to begin with. Bad because, my body isn't going to devour my fat reserves if it isn't hungry in the first place.
All that said, I'm actually NOT in as horrible a mood today as I was yesterday. I'm still totally fucking exhausted, and I'm still feeling pretty antisocial. But I'm not QUITE as pissed off with everyone as I was. Even though I look like hell =]
Going "grocery" shopping tonight after work. I need to figure out what I need to buy. Maybe some raw veggies to have with a low-cal dip of some description. I don't know. I always buy fruit and then wind up realizing "There are too many calories in this banana and if I eat it I can't have XYZ later, so I'm going to skip the banana and have XYZ when I get home instead" and the fruit winds up going off. I need to stop doing that. I need to start planning ahead.
Tomorrow will be a 200 day. I'm going to have an apple (55) for "breakfast" and maybe a banana (104) for lunch, which leaves me with a small salad for dinner after work.
OR something. I'm so horrible at planning, I doubt any of the above will actually transpire.
The past few days I've been craving Oriental food. All weekend and yesterday it was rice. I almost went home last night to make sushi rice in my rice cooker when I got home, just to devour on its own. But then I thought twice and decided that there was no way I could figure out how to get 100 calories of rice.
Today it's Ramen. I was online looking at a Japanese store that sells the brand of Ramen I used to love and adore in Canada. My favourite brand of ramen ever. I was going to buy some but then I thought... one package of Sapporo Ichiban ramen soup contains around 400 calories. Which means I could have it two days of the week (Saturday is 400, Sunday is 500), but it would have to be the only thing I ate. Which is okay, but it depends on whether I have the discipline. Sigh, I don't know, I'll probably buy some and keep it in reserve. I think I have a package at home still, but I'm not going to touch it until the weekend. I am NOT fucking this up. Especially not after gaining a pound and a half after Day One.
Oh god, that reminds me, I think I'm supposed to be going to a Chinese Buffet on Monday with my aunts and a load of friends. Dude might be there too, I don't know. Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Our friends tried to invite him to their place when we went over on Saturday night but he didn't answer his phone. Hm.
Anyway, I need to finish two more hours of work, and then I can go HOME!
Love you,
Vee xxxx
Mourning the tragic passing of My Metabolism
Sorry for the short, vague post about two hours ago. I was just getting ready to leave for work and I was super pissed and had to say something.
Why am I fucked off?
Well, aside from generically STILL being irritated by everything and everyone around me, and the fact that I went to bed at TEN last night and still didn't sleep, and that I woke up thinking it was Wednesday, only to be told that HAH, no, it is only Tuesday bitch, four more days of work to go!
I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday.
Yesterday was a 300 day and I went over ever so slightly, but by barely anything. And I GAINED A POUND AND A HALF.
How the fuck is that even physically possible?!
Today is a 100 day, but I'll be damned if a single piece of food is passing my lips today. Of course, it would be Pancake Day here in the UK, and I'm praying that my aunts don't realize, that I don't walk in the door to fresh pancakes with the syrup she imported from Canada. Ugh.
There are no words to adequately express just how I feel right now.
Why am I fucked off?
Well, aside from generically STILL being irritated by everything and everyone around me, and the fact that I went to bed at TEN last night and still didn't sleep, and that I woke up thinking it was Wednesday, only to be told that HAH, no, it is only Tuesday bitch, four more days of work to go!
I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday.
Yesterday was a 300 day and I went over ever so slightly, but by barely anything. And I GAINED A POUND AND A HALF.
How the fuck is that even physically possible?!
Today is a 100 day, but I'll be damned if a single piece of food is passing my lips today. Of course, it would be Pancake Day here in the UK, and I'm praying that my aunts don't realize, that I don't walk in the door to fresh pancakes with the syrup she imported from Canada. Ugh.
There are no words to adequately express just how I feel right now.
Monday, 23 February 2009
Craving Solitude
So, I’m really depressed and in a very weird mood today for some reason. Maybe it’s just because I, once again, didn’t sleep at all last night. Right now all I want in the world, is to be isolated. To hole myself up in my room and just be away from everyone else in the world. I just want to be completely alone. I don’t want to have to force chit-chat and small talk. I don’t want to pretend I’m in a good mood and force a smile and a laugh. I don’t want to have to just be around another human being right now.
I haven’t felt this antisocial in a while. Sometimes I get moody – yes, I am quite famed within my family for mood swings – but right now I am literally craving alone time and isolation. More than food or coffee or ice water, I just want to be alone.
Everyone is driving me crazy. And by everyone I mean even the people who are usually excluded from that list are making me super-irked. Well no, there are a small handful who are not – like you guys, and one person at work, and that’s basically it. This weekend, my aunt drove me a little bit insane. We were trying to watch some burned episodes of Lost last night and she talked through the entire thing, and when I didn’t respond she asked “What’s up with you?!” like I’d just snapped and bit her head off or something. What’s up? What’s up is that I want to WATCH IT and not listen to your effing commentary on every little thing. What’s up is that I do not WANT to eat McDonald’s.
Yeah, fair enough, I am in a bit of a moody mood right now, so I could understand her getting annoyed with me being a bitchy brat right now. But the thing is, I haven’t BEEN a bitchy brat to her, all I did was watched the fucking television instead of having a full blown conversation about the squishy-sounds of Claire giving birth to her baby in the jungle. Seriously, is that such a big deal? All this less than 24 hours after we walked out a friend’s house and she said “I’m not used to watching movies with people who talk all the way through them, I just wanted to shout for everyone to shut up and watch it already.”
Seriously.
Sigh. I think that’s one reason I want to be alone, because I don’t have the emotional capacity to smile and laugh and pretend like I think something is funny, when I’m just tired and not happy at all and not in the mood to pretend otherwise. I’d rather just be alone and not have to do all that, and keep the peace. Instead of snapping and being accused of being a bitch.
Even people at work are annoying me. One person doesn’t have access to a system so has to ask me to print off some information for her periodically. And I’m getting really pissed off that she keeps interrupting what I’m trying to do so I can do stuff for her instead. The lady next to me keeps talking, trying to start a random conversation about her fiancee, or bitching about some work she’s trying to find. And I really could not care less right now. I’m even avoiding talking to my friend, the one who drives me home from work almost every day, because I don’t have the patience to pretend his quips are funny or to listen to him belittle my taste in movies and not have a go at him for it (this happened first thing this morning, I kind of wanted to smack him). I’m leaving work at 4 just so I can take the bus with my friend S (the one person here I’m NOT annoyed with) and not have to sit in the guy-friend’s car for 45 minutes and laugh at his non-jokes and not scream when he interrupts me when I’m trying to relay a story or anecdote.
WHICH HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. God. I hate it when people don’t listen. It makes me want to peel faces off and feed them to rabid fucking dogs. It's true what Chuck Palahniuk wrote in fight club: a lot of people don't ever really LISTEN. They just wait for their turn to speak. Not everyone does this, but it drives me insane. Even moreso when they don't even wait for you to finish, and just interrupt because what they have to say is so clearly more important than whatever stupid story you've just been telling.
Okay, I need to calm down. I’m seriously getting fucked off over nothing. The people at work haven’t done anything to deserve me feeling such animosity toward them right now. It’s just me, just my random bad mood.
My aunt, however…
I feel really bad bitching about her, because she is my best friend in the world. I’m closer to her than I am my own mother, and I love her more than ANYTHING else in this world. But sometimes, oh sometimes I just want to snap. When I moved in with her I thought it would be the best idea ever, and for the majority it has been fantastic living with her. Right now though, I just want to be on my own, I’m seriously thinking of saving for a deposit on a nice flat downtown or something. So I can just be on my own, do my own thing, so I won’t have to deal with other people around me, and mostly so I don’t have to deal with the little snippy comments. I’m sure she doesn’t do it on purpose, but those little comments really get to me.
Like when she tells me I’ve been a bitch for the past two weeks, for example (at the time I hadn’t slept for more than 3 hours a night for the entire time, plus I was getting over the flu. Was I really supposed to be in a good mood?). Or when she asks me what the hell is wrong with me, when I don’t laugh at a joke she made, when I don’t respond when she’s waffling on about a movie I’m trying to watch. Because clearly, if I’m not laughing and smiling and giggling and making funny sarcastic witty quips 24/7 there must be something wrong, and that is not allowed.
Never mind the fact that she suffers from manic-depression, her therapist thinks she’s bipolar, she usually winds up in a psychiatric ward twice a year because she’s suicidal. Never mind that, when she’s in a very low stage, she herself bitches about everything and goes off on one about nothing. That she becomes the most antisocial person in the world and starts arguments with her partner over absolutely nothing at all. I hate those double-standards. It’s okay for her to be down, to be in a bad mood, but god forbid anybody else in the world is anything short of a peppy cheerleader.
I’m in two minds as to whether or not I should even publish this. I know the chances are infinitesimal that she’d ever see this, but I still feel bad even writing it. Even if I’d written it in my private diary, I’d feel some deep sense of guilt about it. Because like I said, I love this woman more than anything else in the world. I would give anything for her to be happy and safe. But right now I’m just so irritated by everything, and little things she says are really getting under my skin. So, I’m going to go ahead and publish the entry. Because it’s truth and it’s real, and what’s the point in having an anonymous blog if I can’t be honest and write what I feel?
Even when right now what I’m feeling is a mix between nothing at all, a craving for total isolation, complete and total apathy, and a little bit of animosity toward everyone around me
All this said, I love you guys, and I want you to know you're not included in my whole "I hate the world and wish it would implode right this minute" feeling. Reading your blogs is keeping me going, reading your entries and being able to relate to somebody else for real instead of just pretending to, it's helping my day be that much less shit-filled.
God... Right now I don't even feel like a real human being.
Day One of The Patented VK Diet Plan
...It doesn't have a name, but V and K are our first initials and it's kind of funny because VK is a yummy alcoholic beverage.
Okay, maybe not all that funny but whatever.
Today marks the first day of the plan. I kind of had a weekend “off”. Friday night we had my wonderful pasta, as I think I’ve written about before. Saturday night we were invited to a friend’s house for takeout, so I had chips and some donner meat. Yesterday my aunts decided we were going to McDonald’s. Yeah. I told them I didn’t want to and got in response “You’ve been off the diet this weekend anyway, you’re going back on it tomorrow anyway, so you might as well have this” etc etc etc. They wouldn’t lay off and take no for an answer. So I ate, and I wasn’t happy about it.
When I got home, I felt sick. And I have to admit, I purged. I think it’s the first and only time I’ve done so successfully. Those who know me, know that I hate purging. Other people can do what suits them, but for me personally, it’s really not my thing. I detest it. Not least of all because of the pain and suffering I’m going through with braces, and I do not want to fuck it up by destroying my teeth with stomach acid. I think I even have some kind of mental block against it, because I physically can’t do it. Ughghh. Anyway. Yesterday was necessary though, and if I’m totally honest, I felt supremely nauseous anyway. McDonald’s sometimes does this to me… the greasy food has an adverse effect on my stomach. So yes, I was violently sick when I got home. And it felt horrible.
Honestly, I don’t know how you mia girls do it. Whenever I’m sick, I always feel totally horrible for the next day or two. It makes me feel physically sicker, gives me a headache, and messes up my throat. That’s one reason I don’t drink very often… I can’t deal with the hangovers haha. Clearly, you’re all far more determined and stronger than me. Which is why I’m sticking to my weekly plan instead. I can see how BPing can be really attractive to some people, but I’m really just not cut out for it.
That aside, the weekend never lasts anywhere near long enough, sigh.
I’ll write more to update later, but I’m at work and really need to get something done before I spend the rest of the day writing here =]
Okay, maybe not all that funny but whatever.
Today marks the first day of the plan. I kind of had a weekend “off”. Friday night we had my wonderful pasta, as I think I’ve written about before. Saturday night we were invited to a friend’s house for takeout, so I had chips and some donner meat. Yesterday my aunts decided we were going to McDonald’s. Yeah. I told them I didn’t want to and got in response “You’ve been off the diet this weekend anyway, you’re going back on it tomorrow anyway, so you might as well have this” etc etc etc. They wouldn’t lay off and take no for an answer. So I ate, and I wasn’t happy about it.
When I got home, I felt sick. And I have to admit, I purged. I think it’s the first and only time I’ve done so successfully. Those who know me, know that I hate purging. Other people can do what suits them, but for me personally, it’s really not my thing. I detest it. Not least of all because of the pain and suffering I’m going through with braces, and I do not want to fuck it up by destroying my teeth with stomach acid. I think I even have some kind of mental block against it, because I physically can’t do it. Ughghh. Anyway. Yesterday was necessary though, and if I’m totally honest, I felt supremely nauseous anyway. McDonald’s sometimes does this to me… the greasy food has an adverse effect on my stomach. So yes, I was violently sick when I got home. And it felt horrible.
Honestly, I don’t know how you mia girls do it. Whenever I’m sick, I always feel totally horrible for the next day or two. It makes me feel physically sicker, gives me a headache, and messes up my throat. That’s one reason I don’t drink very often… I can’t deal with the hangovers haha. Clearly, you’re all far more determined and stronger than me. Which is why I’m sticking to my weekly plan instead. I can see how BPing can be really attractive to some people, but I’m really just not cut out for it.
That aside, the weekend never lasts anywhere near long enough, sigh.
I’ll write more to update later, but I’m at work and really need to get something done before I spend the rest of the day writing here =]
Friday, 20 February 2009
A Pleasant Surprise, and an Unpleasant One
I lost track of what day I was on, and I'm too lazy to count, and it seemed like too much effort to go back to see what the number was on my last blog entry. I'm tempted to say today should be 037, but I'm not entirely sure. Yes, that is just how apathetic I am feeling right now.
That's not to say it's a negative feeling, I'm just very indifferent right now.
Yesterday I was starving and I cheated, and then told myself it doesn't count as cheating because I'm not doing ABC anymore. Which is all well and good in theory, but my ABC day yesterday would have been 350 calories. On the new plan, Thursdays are 100 calorie days. So no matter how I look at it, I cheated. And I lost just under half a pound so I'm okay with that. I went over by eating two handfulls of chocolate covered raisins, and a bag of Special K Mini Breaks. I woke up and weighed myself and the number was 188.0lbs. However, I forgot that I was 188.4 yesterday, so I thought I was only down 0.2lbs, but when I got to work and went to log it in my food-diary and my normal diary, I was pleasantly surprised to learn I had lost 0.4lbs instead. Yay!
Last night I spent an hour and a half trying to curl my hair using my flatiron. If you knew what my hair was like, you would laugh right now. Ok go ahead, I'll wait. To put this in perspective, my hair is mid-back-length, but also very THICK. And in its natural state it is so frizzy that I would not be insulted if someone described it as "tumbleweed-esque". It takes me anywhere over 45 minutes to dry and straighten my hair. To add insult to injury, after drying (but not straightening thank god) last night, I decided to try to curl it.
WHY I decided to do this, I have no frigging clue. Clearly, I am deranged. I didn't use any hair product, so it was kind of frizzy, but the end result looked pretty good, if I say so myself. I was getting really frustrated though because certain sections refused to curl and it took forever to make them OBEY GOD DAMN IT.
Then I realized... wait. Now, I have to go to bed. And when I wake up, I am going to just look like a fuzzy headed freakmonster. Shit. I doused it in hairspray... which wasn't really "hairspray" it was GHD's Creation Spray which is supposed to be used WITH the flatiron, to keep the style, not AFTER the flatiron, after you realize you're a retard who really needs to invest as much money in hair products as she does in makeup and shoes and skincare.
I had a nightmare that woke me up last night and had be convinced there was something watching me from the shadows in my room. But that's not out of the ordinary, since I'm the biggest wuss in the world, AND I'm afraid of the dark. Eventually I fell back to sleep, though I woke up lots and kept changing position. When I woke up, the hair was... kind of a messy wave. But thankfully, not much frizz, hoorah! I put a little hair slide in one side to hide where the curl had just gone insane and was trying to blind me with the pokey ends of my hair. Voila, nice look.
I'm also wearing less makeup today than usual, and I'm actually feeling pretty good ("less makeup" is kind of subjective. I still have Hanskin BB Cream concealer and tinted-moisturizer-foundation on, plus a little blush, gloss, liquid liner on top, and mascara. But usually I also wear 2-4 shades of eyeshadow plus eye kohl for good measure. But I digress). My jeans and work trousers are feeling a little looser. The top I wore yesterday, I haven't worn since just before I started this journey, 13.4lbs ago. Then, it looked horrible, it was tight. But I wore it yesterday and it actually fit and didn't look or feel like I'd forced myself into it. My waist is trying to make an appearance in the show. These are good things. So, I'm feeling positive.
I'm so rambley today. Back on topic prease!
At work, there is a huge move-around going on. Basically a bunch of extra managers and second-in-command type people have been tossed, and the powers that be are reorganizing all the remaining staff into new teams, so that skills are distributed into the areas of a persons expertise. The team I'm in now... I like it, I like the people, and it's the easiest shit you ever did hear about. But since October, I've been working six and a half hours of my working day for another team, doing their work. I figured all along that I would be moved from "my" team into this other team. Which, predictably, I found out today. So I guess I can't say it's an unpleasant SURPRISE per se, but it wasn't a happy moment. My manager asked me how I felt about it, and I just told her I saw it coming so I was prepared for the news anyway.
Today's been very up and down. I started off feeling exhausted, and then perked up for most of the day. Right now though, my sinuses are starting to hurt and my neck feels stiff from staring at the computer since eight thirty this morning. I'm leaving in 22 minutes, and I really can't wait. Freedom! This place does something to you. All day yesterday, I felt horrible. I felt like I was getting a ridiculously bad flu. My entire throat and neck felt swollen to the extent that it felt like I'd swallowed an (American) football and it had lodged itself sideways in my throat. I had an earache so bad the entire right side of my face hurt and I couldn't find a position that my jaw could be held in to not aggravate the pain further. My head was pounding, my sinuses were feeling both dry and painful. I had a headache. I felt really nauesous at one point.
I know some people who don't "get it" will jump on the "It's because you're restricting you dumb bitch, this is your body paying you back HAH!" bandwagon, but unfortunately, you stupid whorebags, that's not the case. So hah right back at you!
See, as SOON as I stepped outside, all of this went away. I walked to the bus stop with my friend, waited, got on the bus, then walked home from my stop, and I felt absolutely fine! I think maybe it has something to do with the quality of the recycled air in the building or something. Or it might be a psychological subconscious reaction to the fact that I HATE this place with a passion and would really love to raze it to the ground while dancing naked around the fire and chanting curses upon the directors of the company.
If any blog statement will ever get me fired if my boss finds it, it'll be that one.
So anyway. I think a similar thing is happening today. I don't feel as horrible, just a little headache and neck ache really, and I'm pretty sure that once I step outside into the fresh air, I'll feel fine.
I'm making my famous pasta dish tonight. I say famous, but I'm the only one who has ever had it before, and even then was only once and I fucked up and put way too much olive oil in the sauce, but shut up and let my delusions of grandeur live on for another five minutes ok?
Ok.
I'm over it now.
I can't for the life of me remember what I wrote when I blogged last night about The New Weekly Calorie Plan, so this might be reiterating something you've already read, and if it is I apologise. But my aunts have now both officially had letters of acceptance for Gastric Bypass surgery. They're both going (along with their best friend who was referred a month earlier) to the same information session at the beginning of March. Basically it's a group consult with a doctor who will explain the procedure and give information on what to do beforehand (like apparently they have to go on an all-yogurt diet for two weeks before the date of the surgery) and required aftercare, and answer any questions. That kind of thing. Actual surgery dates will be scheduled after this session. So, the pasta evening has become one of celebration. For them because they're getting the life-altering surgery that is, in effect, just forcing them to follow the path I'm on right now. For me, it's a celebration because soon there won't be so much SHIT in the house. No food to tempt me. No more making big group meals that I have to partake in because they spent SO MUCH TIME cooking it. Yay!
Also, I honestly don't think they would have any right to say anything about my eating habits, if they're just forcing it upon themselves with surgery. They may not be disordered in the way that I am, but essentially gastric bypass surgery is enforced self-starvation to lose weight, in my mind anyway. They lack the willpower to do it on their own, so they're getting a doctor to go in and make their stomach so small that they physically will not be able to eat a normal amount of food ever again. As I said before: I will succeed where they have failed. If they had the will power in the first place, they wouldn't be doing this to themselves.
I mention this because on Wednesday night, my aunt turned to me and asked me what I ate for dinner, obviously because she noticed I didn't have anything when I came home. Like, what business is it of yours? You're stuffing yourself constantly, I don't tell her "hey you shouldn't eat that because if you didn't eat it, you would lose weight anyway and you wouldn't have to go through barbaric surgery." And she's forcing starvation upon herself, so she has no RIGHT to say ANYthing about what I do or do not eat. Anyway, I lied and told her I had subway for dinner. Which was a half-lie, I guess, since I did have a 350-calorie sub for lunch.
But again, I'm digressing. It's almost 4 now so I'm going to get ready to go home and get some basil for my pasta. I'll probably post more later, and I promise to try to make it slightly less rantey.
Love you, ladies.
Vee xxxx
That's not to say it's a negative feeling, I'm just very indifferent right now.
Yesterday I was starving and I cheated, and then told myself it doesn't count as cheating because I'm not doing ABC anymore. Which is all well and good in theory, but my ABC day yesterday would have been 350 calories. On the new plan, Thursdays are 100 calorie days. So no matter how I look at it, I cheated. And I lost just under half a pound so I'm okay with that. I went over by eating two handfulls of chocolate covered raisins, and a bag of Special K Mini Breaks. I woke up and weighed myself and the number was 188.0lbs. However, I forgot that I was 188.4 yesterday, so I thought I was only down 0.2lbs, but when I got to work and went to log it in my food-diary and my normal diary, I was pleasantly surprised to learn I had lost 0.4lbs instead. Yay!
Last night I spent an hour and a half trying to curl my hair using my flatiron. If you knew what my hair was like, you would laugh right now. Ok go ahead, I'll wait. To put this in perspective, my hair is mid-back-length, but also very THICK. And in its natural state it is so frizzy that I would not be insulted if someone described it as "tumbleweed-esque". It takes me anywhere over 45 minutes to dry and straighten my hair. To add insult to injury, after drying (but not straightening thank god) last night, I decided to try to curl it.
WHY I decided to do this, I have no frigging clue. Clearly, I am deranged. I didn't use any hair product, so it was kind of frizzy, but the end result looked pretty good, if I say so myself. I was getting really frustrated though because certain sections refused to curl and it took forever to make them OBEY GOD DAMN IT.
Then I realized... wait. Now, I have to go to bed. And when I wake up, I am going to just look like a fuzzy headed freakmonster. Shit. I doused it in hairspray... which wasn't really "hairspray" it was GHD's Creation Spray which is supposed to be used WITH the flatiron, to keep the style, not AFTER the flatiron, after you realize you're a retard who really needs to invest as much money in hair products as she does in makeup and shoes and skincare.
I had a nightmare that woke me up last night and had be convinced there was something watching me from the shadows in my room. But that's not out of the ordinary, since I'm the biggest wuss in the world, AND I'm afraid of the dark. Eventually I fell back to sleep, though I woke up lots and kept changing position. When I woke up, the hair was... kind of a messy wave. But thankfully, not much frizz, hoorah! I put a little hair slide in one side to hide where the curl had just gone insane and was trying to blind me with the pokey ends of my hair. Voila, nice look.
I'm also wearing less makeup today than usual, and I'm actually feeling pretty good ("less makeup" is kind of subjective. I still have Hanskin BB Cream concealer and tinted-moisturizer-foundation on, plus a little blush, gloss, liquid liner on top, and mascara. But usually I also wear 2-4 shades of eyeshadow plus eye kohl for good measure. But I digress). My jeans and work trousers are feeling a little looser. The top I wore yesterday, I haven't worn since just before I started this journey, 13.4lbs ago. Then, it looked horrible, it was tight. But I wore it yesterday and it actually fit and didn't look or feel like I'd forced myself into it. My waist is trying to make an appearance in the show. These are good things. So, I'm feeling positive.
I'm so rambley today. Back on topic prease!
At work, there is a huge move-around going on. Basically a bunch of extra managers and second-in-command type people have been tossed, and the powers that be are reorganizing all the remaining staff into new teams, so that skills are distributed into the areas of a persons expertise. The team I'm in now... I like it, I like the people, and it's the easiest shit you ever did hear about. But since October, I've been working six and a half hours of my working day for another team, doing their work. I figured all along that I would be moved from "my" team into this other team. Which, predictably, I found out today. So I guess I can't say it's an unpleasant SURPRISE per se, but it wasn't a happy moment. My manager asked me how I felt about it, and I just told her I saw it coming so I was prepared for the news anyway.
Today's been very up and down. I started off feeling exhausted, and then perked up for most of the day. Right now though, my sinuses are starting to hurt and my neck feels stiff from staring at the computer since eight thirty this morning. I'm leaving in 22 minutes, and I really can't wait. Freedom! This place does something to you. All day yesterday, I felt horrible. I felt like I was getting a ridiculously bad flu. My entire throat and neck felt swollen to the extent that it felt like I'd swallowed an (American) football and it had lodged itself sideways in my throat. I had an earache so bad the entire right side of my face hurt and I couldn't find a position that my jaw could be held in to not aggravate the pain further. My head was pounding, my sinuses were feeling both dry and painful. I had a headache. I felt really nauesous at one point.
I know some people who don't "get it" will jump on the "It's because you're restricting you dumb bitch, this is your body paying you back HAH!" bandwagon, but unfortunately, you stupid whorebags, that's not the case. So hah right back at you!
See, as SOON as I stepped outside, all of this went away. I walked to the bus stop with my friend, waited, got on the bus, then walked home from my stop, and I felt absolutely fine! I think maybe it has something to do with the quality of the recycled air in the building or something. Or it might be a psychological subconscious reaction to the fact that I HATE this place with a passion and would really love to raze it to the ground while dancing naked around the fire and chanting curses upon the directors of the company.
If any blog statement will ever get me fired if my boss finds it, it'll be that one.
So anyway. I think a similar thing is happening today. I don't feel as horrible, just a little headache and neck ache really, and I'm pretty sure that once I step outside into the fresh air, I'll feel fine.
I'm making my famous pasta dish tonight. I say famous, but I'm the only one who has ever had it before, and even then was only once and I fucked up and put way too much olive oil in the sauce, but shut up and let my delusions of grandeur live on for another five minutes ok?
Ok.
I'm over it now.
I can't for the life of me remember what I wrote when I blogged last night about The New Weekly Calorie Plan, so this might be reiterating something you've already read, and if it is I apologise. But my aunts have now both officially had letters of acceptance for Gastric Bypass surgery. They're both going (along with their best friend who was referred a month earlier) to the same information session at the beginning of March. Basically it's a group consult with a doctor who will explain the procedure and give information on what to do beforehand (like apparently they have to go on an all-yogurt diet for two weeks before the date of the surgery) and required aftercare, and answer any questions. That kind of thing. Actual surgery dates will be scheduled after this session. So, the pasta evening has become one of celebration. For them because they're getting the life-altering surgery that is, in effect, just forcing them to follow the path I'm on right now. For me, it's a celebration because soon there won't be so much SHIT in the house. No food to tempt me. No more making big group meals that I have to partake in because they spent SO MUCH TIME cooking it. Yay!
Also, I honestly don't think they would have any right to say anything about my eating habits, if they're just forcing it upon themselves with surgery. They may not be disordered in the way that I am, but essentially gastric bypass surgery is enforced self-starvation to lose weight, in my mind anyway. They lack the willpower to do it on their own, so they're getting a doctor to go in and make their stomach so small that they physically will not be able to eat a normal amount of food ever again. As I said before: I will succeed where they have failed. If they had the will power in the first place, they wouldn't be doing this to themselves.
I mention this because on Wednesday night, my aunt turned to me and asked me what I ate for dinner, obviously because she noticed I didn't have anything when I came home. Like, what business is it of yours? You're stuffing yourself constantly, I don't tell her "hey you shouldn't eat that because if you didn't eat it, you would lose weight anyway and you wouldn't have to go through barbaric surgery." And she's forcing starvation upon herself, so she has no RIGHT to say ANYthing about what I do or do not eat. Anyway, I lied and told her I had subway for dinner. Which was a half-lie, I guess, since I did have a 350-calorie sub for lunch.
But again, I'm digressing. It's almost 4 now so I'm going to get ready to go home and get some basil for my pasta. I'll probably post more later, and I promise to try to make it slightly less rantey.
Love you, ladies.
Vee xxxx
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Change Of Plan
As of Monday, I won't be doing ABC anymore.
Well, as of today kind of.
Tomorrow I was going to trade out for my 800 day anyway because I was contemplating having pasta. Now, we're all having celebratory pasta so I'm making it for three instead of just one. My aunt got her letter through to go to an information day before Gastric Bypass surgery, and her partner got hers a week or two ago now. So anyway, that's tomorrow.
Anyway, the news is... a friend of mine, K, and I have decided to make our own plan instead of following ABC. It's still varied day by day, but it's on a weekly rotation. Mondays are the same, Tuesdays are the same etc. There are no incorporated fast days. Both of us feel that fast days work best when you WANT to do them rather than when you have to do it because a plan dictates. I personally do better fasting when I want to do it, when I feel like I can do it, if that makes sense.
So yeah, today is my last day on ABC. The weekend is going to be about restricting but not following a plan, and we're plunging into the new plan come Monday.
So! There's an update for you haha. Wish us luck. =] But I'm looking forward to the new plan. Since the days are the same, it will be a lot easier to remember - with ABC I kept having to refer to my diary or the internet to keep track of where I am and what day I'm on.
Well, as of today kind of.
Tomorrow I was going to trade out for my 800 day anyway because I was contemplating having pasta. Now, we're all having celebratory pasta so I'm making it for three instead of just one. My aunt got her letter through to go to an information day before Gastric Bypass surgery, and her partner got hers a week or two ago now. So anyway, that's tomorrow.
Anyway, the news is... a friend of mine, K, and I have decided to make our own plan instead of following ABC. It's still varied day by day, but it's on a weekly rotation. Mondays are the same, Tuesdays are the same etc. There are no incorporated fast days. Both of us feel that fast days work best when you WANT to do them rather than when you have to do it because a plan dictates. I personally do better fasting when I want to do it, when I feel like I can do it, if that makes sense.
So yeah, today is my last day on ABC. The weekend is going to be about restricting but not following a plan, and we're plunging into the new plan come Monday.
So! There's an update for you haha. Wish us luck. =] But I'm looking forward to the new plan. Since the days are the same, it will be a lot easier to remember - with ABC I kept having to refer to my diary or the internet to keep track of where I am and what day I'm on.
(037) 188.2lbs - Start of a bad day
So all in all, yesterday was a good day. I burned 400 calories at the gym, and stuck to my 400 day (maybe went over 20-50, I’m not 100% sure). I didn’t have anything big to eat when I got home, just a 99 calorie bag of Special K Mini Breaks, which was insanely yummy by the way. They taste a bit like chocolate Teddy Grahams to me. Mmm. Must not buy teddy grahams…
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Anyway. Guy From The Gym wasn’t there last night, which is okay because I could concentrate more on my hour-and-a-half of cardio instead of slowing down to talk. At the same time, it made it feel dragged out – those twenty minutes that we were talking was the fastest that time ever went on a cross-trainer! I also got told off for reading a book on the cross-trainer. Apparently it’s against health and safety. Cuz I might fall off or something if I’m using one hand to hold the book. Puh-leeze. I do that EVERY time I go to the gym, why is this time suddenly dangerous?
… He probably saw me hit the other guy with the cross-trainer and figured I’m a liability. Can’t say I blame him.
But yeah. Just as I was coming out of the gym, the other guy called me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him before, because there wasn’t a whole lot going on. My aunts and their best friends, wanted me to get with this other guy (Who I will call D for Dude), thought we’d be perfect for one another. They’d showed him my photos on facebook (even though I have actually met him once… though he had a girlfriend at the time lawl) and apparently he was quite interested. We’ve been texting the past couple of weeks but that’s about it. Apparently my aunt’s best friend had a talk with him and he’d said that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship that gets really serious and then have to leave – he’s trying to join the Marines. So, I don’t know.
But then last night as I was coming out of the gym he called me to chat, and we talked while I walked to the bus stop / waited for my bus. Then just as I went to bed (at 10pm I might add, I was so exhausted) he called again and we talked for a few minutes. I finally managed to pass out, even though I woke up about eight times during the night and couldn’t get comfortable again. When I woke up this morning (Fifteen minutes before my effing alarm agh!) I saw he’d sent me a text just before 11 last night asking if I was still up, but I missed it.
So, I dunno. We shall see. No big news, but… yeah.
Today, though, started off badly. I was convinced I’d be down at least a pound today. But when I hopped on the scale, it said 188.4lbs. That is only 0.2lbs lower than yesterday. I’m SO disappointed and it put me in such a bad mood. On top of that, my fucking bedroom light burnt out when I tried to turn it on, so I got to put makeup on by the subtle glow of my bedside table lamp this morning. Sigh.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted. I ache everywhere – which is a good thing because it means I didn’t go too easy on myself at the gym, I love achiness. Even my ass hurts. Especially my ass hurts.
Sigh. I’m so disappointed today. And I’m sad because a good buddy of mine (we'll call her K, she's in the same situation as me, so to speak) has gained today and I can tell from her texts how upset and pissed off she is. I wish I could make her feel better. But at the same time, I’ve LOST a fraction of a pound, and I’m still upset and pissed off. So I’d be a hypocrite to try and tell her to be happy and it’s no big deal. It is a big deal, to people like us. When I gained over the weekend I really could have had a breakdown. Sigh. So, if you read this, I love you doll. And I have every faith in your ability to shift it back off in a day or two.
So… that’s all from me for now. I’m not going to the gym tonight because I need to wash my gym stuff and I think my ass really needs a day off. I’m so tired so hopefully I’ll get an early night tonight. Back to the gym tomorrow if my things are dry in time, if not I’m hitting it hard on Monday (Won’t get a chance over the weekend, I really need a bike of a cross-trainer in my room =/) I’ll get one of my yoga DVDs on and do some of that over the weekend, too.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Were they always that big??
That blog title sounds a little dirty, doesn't it? Especially when I expand upon it to make "Since when was six inches SO HUGE?!"
Ehehehe. If only what you were all thinking was true. The truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. BIG SURPRISE. But anyway, that's SO not what I'm talking about. The minute my dry spell is over I will be dishing details, but until then this blog post is about...
Subway.
I'm on a 400 day on the ABC plan, and I decided I wanted to treat myself to something yummy for lunch. Even though, after I went and bought it and was walking back to work, I wasn't even hungry. I've been craving chips and gravy (or even better, a poutine with yummy cheese curd melting all over), but I happen to know that there is no way I could fit it in. The chips in our canteen are all deep fried and horrible, and the gravy is greasy and comprised of like 96% animal fat.
Ew.
So, instead I went to Subway. The sub I had in total came out to... 350 calories, give or take. Didn't finish all the bread =].
Anyway, it was weird for me. All I "ate" yesterday was 200mls of chicken-broth-water worth a whole seventeen calories, so I thought I'd be physically STARVING and would never be able to sate that hunger. But I wasn't hungry as I began eating, and now I feel fuller than I have been in a long time. I remember a time when I could eat a footlong meatball sub with cheese and lots of lettuce, have a cookie, and sometimes STILL be hungry.
To that end, at least this past month of ABC (on and off as it was for the first couple of weeks) has accomplished one thing: Reducing my appetite. I mean, in total I've now lost 12.8lbs since January 14th, which is a feat in and of itself, especially considering the random gains and plateaus at the end of last month. But I hate feeling full, and if eating normal portions is going to make me feel like this, well, it's just more incentive to restrict harder.
The weird things is, I haven't even gone over for the day. After I get home from the gym I'm having my 19 calorie broth, so I'll still be grossing low for the day. But I still feel really full. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd gone for a sushi pack from tesco. BUT then I'd just wind up having a larger frozen meal after the gym, and I always feel sick if I eat a lot after working out. So I guess it's for the best. Plus I'm having my "larger meal" at lunchtime and have more time to burn it off before bedtime.
God, I ramble a lot, don't I?
Anyway. I just wanted to share those random thoughts, but now I need to get some more work done. I'm leaving the office in three hours so I need to get SOMEthing done.
Stay beautiful and think thin
Vee xoxox
ps: I wonder if that guy will be at the gym again tonight...? =]
Ehehehe. If only what you were all thinking was true. The truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. BIG SURPRISE. But anyway, that's SO not what I'm talking about. The minute my dry spell is over I will be dishing details, but until then this blog post is about...
Subway.
I'm on a 400 day on the ABC plan, and I decided I wanted to treat myself to something yummy for lunch. Even though, after I went and bought it and was walking back to work, I wasn't even hungry. I've been craving chips and gravy (or even better, a poutine with yummy cheese curd melting all over), but I happen to know that there is no way I could fit it in. The chips in our canteen are all deep fried and horrible, and the gravy is greasy and comprised of like 96% animal fat.
Ew.
So, instead I went to Subway. The sub I had in total came out to... 350 calories, give or take. Didn't finish all the bread =].
Anyway, it was weird for me. All I "ate" yesterday was 200mls of chicken-broth-water worth a whole seventeen calories, so I thought I'd be physically STARVING and would never be able to sate that hunger. But I wasn't hungry as I began eating, and now I feel fuller than I have been in a long time. I remember a time when I could eat a footlong meatball sub with cheese and lots of lettuce, have a cookie, and sometimes STILL be hungry.
To that end, at least this past month of ABC (on and off as it was for the first couple of weeks) has accomplished one thing: Reducing my appetite. I mean, in total I've now lost 12.8lbs since January 14th, which is a feat in and of itself, especially considering the random gains and plateaus at the end of last month. But I hate feeling full, and if eating normal portions is going to make me feel like this, well, it's just more incentive to restrict harder.
The weird things is, I haven't even gone over for the day. After I get home from the gym I'm having my 19 calorie broth, so I'll still be grossing low for the day. But I still feel really full. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd gone for a sushi pack from tesco. BUT then I'd just wind up having a larger frozen meal after the gym, and I always feel sick if I eat a lot after working out. So I guess it's for the best. Plus I'm having my "larger meal" at lunchtime and have more time to burn it off before bedtime.
God, I ramble a lot, don't I?
Anyway. I just wanted to share those random thoughts, but now I need to get some more work done. I'm leaving the office in three hours so I need to get SOMEthing done.
Stay beautiful and think thin
Vee xoxox
ps: I wonder if that guy will be at the gym again tonight...? =]
(036) - Goal One Achieved
So… my plan was to be down to 190lbs this morning, at a best. I figured I’d be down at least to 191, but was hoping and hoping for 190lbs. I wanted to hit that first goal again as soon as possible.
And ladies, I have succeeded in breaking it. I am in SUCH a good mood today it is ridiculous. I live for those ecstatic moments when you step on a scale and those lower-than-yesterday numbers pop up. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the day brings. As long as those numbers are lower, I can basically call it a “good day”. It sets up my mood for the rest of the day. If those numbers are higher, I will undoubtedly be mopey and depressed. If they’re lower, I’ll likely still be mopey and depressed, but maybe a little less so, and at least I’ll have that half-minute of supreme happiness to start the day with.
My scales this morning said 188.6lbs. I dropped 2.8lbs in 24 hours. I am unbelievably happy right now!
I’m psyched up to go to the gym again, even though my body is exhausted, I’ve got a headache, and my throat feels swollen. I plan to drink a load of water, so if it’s dehydration (I didn’t drink near as much as I should have yesterday), it should help. Although one of the guys I work with, has been working with someone who has Mumps, so there’s a chance he’s brought it in and given it to us all – at least two of us have the same symptoms right now. Swollen, sore throat, physically exhausted, couldn’t sleep last night because we felt SO HOT and kept tossing and turning. And that’s not like me. I am ALWAYS cold.
But I digress. 188.6! If I can lose a pound a day, I can reach my goal weight of 130… by the end of April. How amazing is that? I know it’s not likely that I will lose a pound a day, it’ll be up and down, but I can hope that it averages out. We’ll see I guess!
Anyway, I need to get some work done and try to stay awake, which is definitely going to be a challenge today. It’s a 400 day on ABC and I’m torn between restricting hard like I did yesterday, and giving myself some real food. I’ll have my broth for lunch, and see how I feel when I get home. If I’m super ravenous, I’ll have a 250 calorie frozen meal, which will still put me more than 100 calories under today.
Burn goal at the gym is at least 300, which is what I burned yesterday. I can probably do more if I stick to the treadmill for a full hour, which in itself should burn approximately 400+. Unfortunately, I can’t run. Sigh. My physical fitness level right now is such that I can jog-run on a treadmill for 3 minutes maximum before I need to slow down to a walking speed again, or risk passing out.
That’s another goal of mine. Increase my fitness level so that I can run at least 15 minutes at a stretch without having to pause. I’ll get there eventually, but I need to build up from speed-walking to jogging to running.
Right, gotta head off for now, more later tonight. Have a great day, ladies, and I hope you’re all feeling as amazing as I am right now =]
Stay beautiful, my darlings.
Love you all,
Vee xoxox
PS: If I do wind up sick again, I'm going to keep restricting this time. The roller coaster last time around was way too much and I refuse to fuck up and ever be over 190 again, now that I'm finally firmly in the 180s.
And ladies, I have succeeded in breaking it. I am in SUCH a good mood today it is ridiculous. I live for those ecstatic moments when you step on a scale and those lower-than-yesterday numbers pop up. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the day brings. As long as those numbers are lower, I can basically call it a “good day”. It sets up my mood for the rest of the day. If those numbers are higher, I will undoubtedly be mopey and depressed. If they’re lower, I’ll likely still be mopey and depressed, but maybe a little less so, and at least I’ll have that half-minute of supreme happiness to start the day with.
My scales this morning said 188.6lbs. I dropped 2.8lbs in 24 hours. I am unbelievably happy right now!
I’m psyched up to go to the gym again, even though my body is exhausted, I’ve got a headache, and my throat feels swollen. I plan to drink a load of water, so if it’s dehydration (I didn’t drink near as much as I should have yesterday), it should help. Although one of the guys I work with, has been working with someone who has Mumps, so there’s a chance he’s brought it in and given it to us all – at least two of us have the same symptoms right now. Swollen, sore throat, physically exhausted, couldn’t sleep last night because we felt SO HOT and kept tossing and turning. And that’s not like me. I am ALWAYS cold.
But I digress. 188.6! If I can lose a pound a day, I can reach my goal weight of 130… by the end of April. How amazing is that? I know it’s not likely that I will lose a pound a day, it’ll be up and down, but I can hope that it averages out. We’ll see I guess!
Anyway, I need to get some work done and try to stay awake, which is definitely going to be a challenge today. It’s a 400 day on ABC and I’m torn between restricting hard like I did yesterday, and giving myself some real food. I’ll have my broth for lunch, and see how I feel when I get home. If I’m super ravenous, I’ll have a 250 calorie frozen meal, which will still put me more than 100 calories under today.
Burn goal at the gym is at least 300, which is what I burned yesterday. I can probably do more if I stick to the treadmill for a full hour, which in itself should burn approximately 400+. Unfortunately, I can’t run. Sigh. My physical fitness level right now is such that I can jog-run on a treadmill for 3 minutes maximum before I need to slow down to a walking speed again, or risk passing out.
That’s another goal of mine. Increase my fitness level so that I can run at least 15 minutes at a stretch without having to pause. I’ll get there eventually, but I need to build up from speed-walking to jogging to running.
Right, gotta head off for now, more later tonight. Have a great day, ladies, and I hope you’re all feeling as amazing as I am right now =]
Stay beautiful, my darlings.
Love you all,
Vee xoxox
PS: If I do wind up sick again, I'm going to keep restricting this time. The roller coaster last time around was way too much and I refuse to fuck up and ever be over 190 again, now that I'm finally firmly in the 180s.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Oh. My. God.
I met a guy at the gym.
I know. People always ask me if I met any cute guys at the gym. And I'm always like "Don't be fucking stupid, that kind of thing never happens for REAL. That's movies!"
But it happened! And he was cute.
The story is kind of retarded though. Basically I accidentally assaulted him with a cross-trainer.
I walked over to a cross-trainer and put my water bottle on it, then noticed there was some paper towel stuff that someone before me had left, so I went to throw it away. When I came back, this guy was leaning against the front of the treadmill, so I hopped on and said "Excuse me?" ... Well, the arm that I was expecting to go backward went forward and nailed him in the back of the shoulder. Sigh.
So I was all embarassed and apologised PROFUSELY but he was okay with it and laughed it off. So I started working the cross-trainer and he started talking to me. Apparently he works there and was on a break so he'd come into the cardio room to watch Cricket for a bit. So not only did I assault a cute guy, I assaulted the STAFF. We wound up talking for twenty minutes and then he had to go downstairs for pool-duty and asked if I'd come talk to him. Unfortunately, I had to leave to catch my bus. If I missed it, I'd have no way to get home =/
But he did ask if I'm going tomorrow and I told him I am sooo I might see him tomorrow. How exciting!
Then he asked if I've had a fitness plan made (my gym does a free assessment and plan for you when you join) and I said no, so he asked if I wanted one and I was like "Um no it's ok thanks, I probably wouldn't stick to it anyway." But in reality I was thinking "I don't want the cute, super fit, sporty guy to see how super ridiculously UNfit the fat chick who hit him with the cross-trainer is."
Man, I'm doing SO WELL today too. I only burned 300 calories at the gym, but while I was on the cross trainer I was talking to him, and I can't work hard and talk at the same time. When I got home, before I climbed into a hot bath, I weighed myself. And the scale said 189.6. ONE EIGHT NINE POINT SIX. That's almost two full pounds lighter than this morning! And USUALLY I'm around two pounds heavier at night than I am the next morning. So this has me WAY excited. I'd been hoping to hit 190 tomorrow morning, so if I'm back into the 180s I will be SO RIDICULOUSLY THRILLED.
Wow, lots of caps haha.
The best part is, I've done AMAZINGLY well today. It was a 200 day on ABC but I've been trying to restrict harder to make up for Valentine's Day Weekend Doomsday. I posted my "plan" earlier, but I did even better. I've had nothing since my 17 calorie broth at lunchtime =] GO ME.
I honestly think this is the least I've ever "eaten" in one day. Zero solid food (even though my aunts, who are both going for gastric bypass surgery, sigh, went to the fish and chip shop and asked me if I wanted something. I so could have had chips and gravy. But I said no. Also, I had no money. SO THIS IS GOOD. I need to not carry money on me, obviously. Although, I would have said no anyway, I could've borrowed it off my aunt if I wanted to.) and only 17 calories. Even on a fast day I tried to do with my first try at ABC, I think I had 40 calories.
YAY. SO psyched right now, you have no idea.
Thank You
I just wanted to thank all my beautiful readers for the comments you've been leaving for me.
All this started as just a way to finally get my thoughts and feelings out there. To keep a record of how things go and how I feel as they progress. To keep track, I guess. I mean, I have a personal diary, but sometimes it's nice to be able to share that, too. Which is, I guess, why I came to the internet to do this. To share my experiences with similar people. I didn't expect to get any messages back from other people, but the support I got back so far has been amazing.
I honestly didn't think I'd get any readers, followers, even comments. And I have to be honest and say that it's nice to have become part of a... "network" if you will. I read your blogs religiously even though I don't comment often, and your posts give me motivation to keep strong myself.
So, I want to apologise for not having any new posts up for like two weeks. And thank you for your comments and support. I'm going to be more active about updating this blog, as opposed to just rambling away in my friends-only LJ and forgetting about this one (if you want to add me on Livejournal anyway, my username there is xsnuffondigital =])
I love you all and wish you the best of luck in reaching your goals.
Stay strong, think thin.
But mostly, just stay the beautiful, motivating, caring people that you are.
Vee xxx
All this started as just a way to finally get my thoughts and feelings out there. To keep a record of how things go and how I feel as they progress. To keep track, I guess. I mean, I have a personal diary, but sometimes it's nice to be able to share that, too. Which is, I guess, why I came to the internet to do this. To share my experiences with similar people. I didn't expect to get any messages back from other people, but the support I got back so far has been amazing.
I honestly didn't think I'd get any readers, followers, even comments. And I have to be honest and say that it's nice to have become part of a... "network" if you will. I read your blogs religiously even though I don't comment often, and your posts give me motivation to keep strong myself.
So, I want to apologise for not having any new posts up for like two weeks. And thank you for your comments and support. I'm going to be more active about updating this blog, as opposed to just rambling away in my friends-only LJ and forgetting about this one (if you want to add me on Livejournal anyway, my username there is xsnuffondigital =])
I love you all and wish you the best of luck in reaching your goals.
Stay strong, think thin.
But mostly, just stay the beautiful, motivating, caring people that you are.
Vee xxx
(035) - Updateage
I need to start updating this thing again. Lately all my posts have been on an ABC community on LJ, and in my Livejournal blog. I do need to make an effort to keep this one updated too, though… after all, it was created before I joined Livejournal =/
Anyway. Quickish update.
I gained over the weekend due to Valentine’s Day Pasta. I didn’t think the pasta would be all that bad, since most of the calories would be in the pasta and I didn’t have a great deal of it. But I sat and calculated everything out, and the pasta dish was over 800 calories. Jesus. Effing. Christ.
Then I somehow managed to gain on Sunday too. So it was a shit bad weekend.
BUT. Yesterday I got by on 99 calories (150 day on ABC, but I wanted to keep as low as possible. I only had two cups of broth (meaning two stock cubes with hot water)) and a few slices of wafer thin chicken). I also went to bed at like 7:30 because I was insanely exhausted yesterday. I’m still a bit tired today, probably from OVER sleeping, but I feel better than I have in a long time right now.
Today’s plan: (it's a 200 day on ABC)
Work.
Only had 1 cup of broth (17 calories) (just finished this)
Drink lots of water and green tea
After work:
Go to the gym from 4:30 until 6 or just after.
Pray that I don’t miss the last bus home just after 6.
Have a hot bath and relax!
Another cup of broth (19 calories).
POSSIBLY have some wafer-thin-chicken-slices-wrapped-in-a-lettuce-leaf (for four of these puppies it’s 44 calories). Depends on how I feel when I get home. Hoping to not have it but if I’m starving and dying after the gym, I’ve got it in the daily budget.
Watch a movie on my pc, and burn a copy of The Tale Of Two Sisters for a girl at work to borrow.
Get my gym stuff ready for tomorrow.
Take measurements and record them in my diary. (I’ve lost 10lbs SURELY I must have lost even part of an inch right? Sigh, I hope so)
Go to bed early.
That is the plan anyway.
Hopefully I’ll manage to lose the other 2lbs that I’d gained over the weekend (Down 2 today from yesterday so halfway there) and then I can get started on some “fresh” weight loss. And the bonus: I’ll be back in the 180s!
Which is still ridiculously high but after yo-yoing in the 190s and even spending a brief while in the low 200s, the 180s are a breath of fresh air and SO SUPER MOTIVATING to lose the rest of it!
As of this morning I’m 191.4, so I think it’s plausible to be down to 189 by tomorrow. More likely the day after tomorrow, but a girl can dream, right?
Right, that’s my update for now, I’ll try to be more regular about updating this puppy =]
Stay beautiful, ladies!
Vee xxx
Anyway. Quickish update.
I gained over the weekend due to Valentine’s Day Pasta. I didn’t think the pasta would be all that bad, since most of the calories would be in the pasta and I didn’t have a great deal of it. But I sat and calculated everything out, and the pasta dish was over 800 calories. Jesus. Effing. Christ.
Then I somehow managed to gain on Sunday too. So it was a shit bad weekend.
BUT. Yesterday I got by on 99 calories (150 day on ABC, but I wanted to keep as low as possible. I only had two cups of broth (meaning two stock cubes with hot water)) and a few slices of wafer thin chicken). I also went to bed at like 7:30 because I was insanely exhausted yesterday. I’m still a bit tired today, probably from OVER sleeping, but I feel better than I have in a long time right now.
Today’s plan: (it's a 200 day on ABC)
Work.
Only had 1 cup of broth (17 calories) (just finished this)
Drink lots of water and green tea
After work:
Go to the gym from 4:30 until 6 or just after.
Pray that I don’t miss the last bus home just after 6.
Have a hot bath and relax!
Another cup of broth (19 calories).
POSSIBLY have some wafer-thin-chicken-slices-wrapped-in-a-lettuce-leaf (for four of these puppies it’s 44 calories). Depends on how I feel when I get home. Hoping to not have it but if I’m starving and dying after the gym, I’ve got it in the daily budget.
Watch a movie on my pc, and burn a copy of The Tale Of Two Sisters for a girl at work to borrow.
Get my gym stuff ready for tomorrow.
Take measurements and record them in my diary. (I’ve lost 10lbs SURELY I must have lost even part of an inch right? Sigh, I hope so)
Go to bed early.
That is the plan anyway.
Hopefully I’ll manage to lose the other 2lbs that I’d gained over the weekend (Down 2 today from yesterday so halfway there) and then I can get started on some “fresh” weight loss. And the bonus: I’ll be back in the 180s!
Which is still ridiculously high but after yo-yoing in the 190s and even spending a brief while in the low 200s, the 180s are a breath of fresh air and SO SUPER MOTIVATING to lose the rest of it!
As of this morning I’m 191.4, so I think it’s plausible to be down to 189 by tomorrow. More likely the day after tomorrow, but a girl can dream, right?
Right, that’s my update for now, I’ll try to be more regular about updating this puppy =]
Stay beautiful, ladies!
Vee xxx
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