Monday, 23 February 2009

Craving Solitude

So, I’m really depressed and in a very weird mood today for some reason. Maybe it’s just because I, once again, didn’t sleep at all last night. Right now all I want in the world, is to be isolated. To hole myself up in my room and just be away from everyone else in the world. I just want to be completely alone. I don’t want to have to force chit-chat and small talk. I don’t want to pretend I’m in a good mood and force a smile and a laugh. I don’t want to have to just be around another human being right now.

I haven’t felt this antisocial in a while. Sometimes I get moody – yes, I am quite famed within my family for mood swings – but right now I am literally craving alone time and isolation. More than food or coffee or ice water, I just want to be alone.

Everyone is driving me crazy. And by everyone I mean even the people who are usually excluded from that list are making me super-irked. Well no, there are a small handful who are not – like you guys, and one person at work, and that’s basically it. This weekend, my aunt drove me a little bit insane. We were trying to watch some burned episodes of Lost last night and she talked through the entire thing, and when I didn’t respond she asked “What’s up with you?!” like I’d just snapped and bit her head off or something. What’s up? What’s up is that I want to WATCH IT and not listen to your effing commentary on every little thing. What’s up is that I do not WANT to eat McDonald’s.

Yeah, fair enough, I am in a bit of a moody mood right now, so I could understand her getting annoyed with me being a bitchy brat right now. But the thing is, I haven’t BEEN a bitchy brat to her, all I did was watched the fucking television instead of having a full blown conversation about the squishy-sounds of Claire giving birth to her baby in the jungle. Seriously, is that such a big deal? All this less than 24 hours after we walked out a friend’s house and she said “I’m not used to watching movies with people who talk all the way through them, I just wanted to shout for everyone to shut up and watch it already.”

Seriously.

Sigh. I think that’s one reason I want to be alone, because I don’t have the emotional capacity to smile and laugh and pretend like I think something is funny, when I’m just tired and not happy at all and not in the mood to pretend otherwise. I’d rather just be alone and not have to do all that, and keep the peace. Instead of snapping and being accused of being a bitch.

Even people at work are annoying me. One person doesn’t have access to a system so has to ask me to print off some information for her periodically. And I’m getting really pissed off that she keeps interrupting what I’m trying to do so I can do stuff for her instead. The lady next to me keeps talking, trying to start a random conversation about her fiancee, or bitching about some work she’s trying to find. And I really could not care less right now. I’m even avoiding talking to my friend, the one who drives me home from work almost every day, because I don’t have the patience to pretend his quips are funny or to listen to him belittle my taste in movies and not have a go at him for it (this happened first thing this morning, I kind of wanted to smack him). I’m leaving work at 4 just so I can take the bus with my friend S (the one person here I’m NOT annoyed with) and not have to sit in the guy-friend’s car for 45 minutes and laugh at his non-jokes and not scream when he interrupts me when I’m trying to relay a story or anecdote.

WHICH HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. God. I hate it when people don’t listen. It makes me want to peel faces off and feed them to rabid fucking dogs. It's true what Chuck Palahniuk wrote in fight club: a lot of people don't ever really LISTEN. They just wait for their turn to speak. Not everyone does this, but it drives me insane. Even moreso when they don't even wait for you to finish, and just interrupt because what they have to say is so clearly more important than whatever stupid story you've just been telling.

Okay, I need to calm down. I’m seriously getting fucked off over nothing. The people at work haven’t done anything to deserve me feeling such animosity toward them right now. It’s just me, just my random bad mood.

My aunt, however…

I feel really bad bitching about her, because she is my best friend in the world. I’m closer to her than I am my own mother, and I love her more than ANYTHING else in this world. But sometimes, oh sometimes I just want to snap. When I moved in with her I thought it would be the best idea ever, and for the majority it has been fantastic living with her. Right now though, I just want to be on my own, I’m seriously thinking of saving for a deposit on a nice flat downtown or something. So I can just be on my own, do my own thing, so I won’t have to deal with other people around me, and mostly so I don’t have to deal with the little snippy comments. I’m sure she doesn’t do it on purpose, but those little comments really get to me.

Like when she tells me I’ve been a bitch for the past two weeks, for example (at the time I hadn’t slept for more than 3 hours a night for the entire time, plus I was getting over the flu. Was I really supposed to be in a good mood?). Or when she asks me what the hell is wrong with me, when I don’t laugh at a joke she made, when I don’t respond when she’s waffling on about a movie I’m trying to watch. Because clearly, if I’m not laughing and smiling and giggling and making funny sarcastic witty quips 24/7 there must be something wrong, and that is not allowed.

Never mind the fact that she suffers from manic-depression, her therapist thinks she’s bipolar, she usually winds up in a psychiatric ward twice a year because she’s suicidal. Never mind that, when she’s in a very low stage, she herself bitches about everything and goes off on one about nothing. That she becomes the most antisocial person in the world and starts arguments with her partner over absolutely nothing at all. I hate those double-standards. It’s okay for her to be down, to be in a bad mood, but god forbid anybody else in the world is anything short of a peppy cheerleader.

I’m in two minds as to whether or not I should even publish this. I know the chances are infinitesimal that she’d ever see this, but I still feel bad even writing it. Even if I’d written it in my private diary, I’d feel some deep sense of guilt about it. Because like I said, I love this woman more than anything else in the world. I would give anything for her to be happy and safe. But right now I’m just so irritated by everything, and little things she says are really getting under my skin. So, I’m going to go ahead and publish the entry. Because it’s truth and it’s real, and what’s the point in having an anonymous blog if I can’t be honest and write what I feel?

Even when right now what I’m feeling is a mix between nothing at all, a craving for total isolation, complete and total apathy, and a little bit of animosity toward everyone around me

All this said, I love you guys, and I want you to know you're not included in my whole "I hate the world and wish it would implode right this minute" feeling. Reading your blogs is keeping me going, reading your entries and being able to relate to somebody else for real instead of just pretending to, it's helping my day be that much less shit-filled.

God... Right now I don't even feel like a real human being.

1 comment:

Ana said...

Vee, you keep me going. I can so relate to everything you're saying. Seriously... just... I don't know. I don't know what to say. Get better. Keep your head up. X