Dread

Holy Christ, I can't believe how on edge I am lately. I'm even pissing myself off at this point with my random catiness and whiplash inducing mood swings. The smallest things and irritating me and I'm trying not to let it show, but although nobody's said anything to me I'm pretty sure my bitchtasticness is at least a little apparent. And it's all because I'm so fucking stressed out and absolutely DREADING going back to work. I can't even find it in me to enjoy these last couple of days away, because it just feels like a ticking time bomb.

The sooner I find a new job, the better, I think. Which is more stress, but at least it's a means to an end and hopefully a job I don't despise to the point of depression and panic attacks.

Today was a day much like any other. Got up, breakfast with The Vacationers (a tiny scoop of scrambled eggs, two strips of bacon and a couple small breakfast sausages. I dread to even attempt the calorie counts here, fuck), lounging on a sun bed by the pool listening to loud music and reading (The Time-Traveller's Wife, in case anyone is wondering, and I just finished The Bible AKA Wasted). Quick buffet lunch that consisted of exactly six french fries and then some ice cream. Retired to my room to watch episodes of Gossip Girl and catch up - I don't smoke, Gossip Girl is my replacement addiction.

Which brings me to now. Bored and stressed out. All this nervous energy must be good for burning calories though, I'm always moving, fidgeting, I can not physically sit still, which is in turn keeping me awake which is the opposite of awesome but I don't sleep well anyway so it's not a major loss. I feel physically ill all the time right now. And I'm constantly tired, both from the lack of sleep and as a side effect of being so god damn down right now.

The laughable part is how this whole work fiasco has played out. My old manager, my old manager's-manager, my new manager, my new manager's-manager, and every single member of staff in my old team and new team know how much I hate this, how much it's affecting me and how down I am. But nobody cares. It's like I'm being penalized for being good at my job. All they're seeing is my numbers are awesome. The new area needs good numbers. Ergo, I move. But oh my Christ. Agh, I need to scream and punch and preferably stab something. Repeatedly. But I'm getting offtopic.

This whole thing feels like a huge step backwards. I've gone from having the highest work stats and productivity in my old team doing pension admin work... to not knowing a god damn thing. I'm a fish out of water. I'm supposed to be working on a call centre for group pension schemes. Taking calls from financial advisers, scheme administrators, employers, some plan holders. And answering their questions and sorting things out. But, I know absolutely fuck all about group pension schemes. I worked on group schemes when I first started with the company, but I was a glorified mail-girl. I sorted out incoming post for our scheme. I sent out confirmation letters and policy documents and the occasional forms. The scheme I worked on was a very sensitive one that was administered differently to every other scheme the company deals with. I know nothing about what I'm doing.

People call and ask questions and I do not have the slightest fucking clue. I've gone from being the best member of staff in my team, to the new girl who knows nothing. The only advantage I have over hiring a few temps from the agency, is that I know my way around the eight thousand systems we use to keep information and updates et al.

After my first week of training, I went to talk to my old manager and asked if there was any way I could be moved back. He's a great guy and is one of only two managers I've had that I've felt I can really talk to, who cares about his staff as people and not just numbers and stats. (Incidentally, I once worked for my new manager before for a couple of months. At the time, I had a review and he told me I'm great and the work I was doing was fantastic, but I wouldn't be able to get a raise because the document the company used to use to outline the eligibility for a pay rise basically said I'd need to get further training on a wider variety of admin work in order to get one. At the time all of our work was being sent to be processed in India and there was no admin work to train me on. Therefore, it was "sorry but you can't get a raise and it will be very difficult for you to get one in the near future." Fast forward, and this year under two different managers I've had four raises. So I'm not happy to be working him to start with. Fuck.)

Anyway, he said probably not as his hands are pretty much tied, but he'd speak to his manager and see what was what and post it to him hypothetically. A week later he told me that his manager wanted me to give it a couple of weeks and see if it would grow on me. A week, two weeks later I was still miserable, moreso even. So I spoke to him again and he said that his manager still wanted me to try, but he "didn't want it to get to the point where I was thinking about looking for another job." So I was honest and told him that, as things stood at that point, I would be looking for another job after Christmas. So he said he'd put the pressure on his manager and tell him this, as the company doesn't want to lose me altogether.

Then, my last day before coming here to Mexico, I went to say farewell to my old colleagues before heading off, and we spoke again. He said his manager said no, he hadn't been able to get anywhere - but if I was thinking of leaving he would "fight to keep me".

I'm sorry but, is that not what he was doing to begin with?

I'm just so irritated and annoyed and frustrated, it's such bullshit. When I go back I'll tell him point blank I'm applying for other work. I'm not expecting anything to happen, but you never know. Of course, even if they did move me back to where I was before, or even to another administrative area that isn't just callcentre work, it would then count against me next review time because I'm "inflexible" and "can't deal with change." (which is bullshit, in the four years I've worked for that company I've had no less than a dozen different managers. And every single time I've taken it in stride.)

But right now I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I could burst into tears right now, would be quite happy in fact for my plane to crash on the way back from Mexico next week.

Add my food and weight issues on top of that, and I'm basically a walking cocktail for disaster right now.

Sorry for all the ranting, but I need to spill it out because if I don't I'm going to explode in a huge way. My regular blogging will probably be more interspersed with work ranting than usual for the forseeable future - just a heads up.

Love you all, and I hope you're doing well and hitting your goals. And that life in general is going better for you than it is for me right now.

Vee xox